Date: Sat, 26 May 2012 13:24:55 +0800
From: Ben Ng <ng.ben9@gmail.com>
Subject: Rick's Diary Part 20 - Trouble in Paradise

Trouble in Paradise

For the entire week, I was in heaven. I've not remembered I
ever laughed so much or was so happy. Usually I would go over
to Ben's room to jerk off or suck each other, but I totally
forgot about it. I spent every waking moment making love to
Mike, besides going to classes, football practice and so on.
It was so satisfying.

Ben noticed I didn't go to his room for a week, so he asked me
to stay back after football practice. "Hey, you haven't been
coming over. What's up?"

I didn't know how to answer. Can I tell him I'm in love with
Mike? I made some incoherent sounds that even I didn't
recognize.

"You are not yourself lately. What the hell is going on?"

"I... um... I... well..." I always had my way with words. I didn't
know what has gotten to me.

"It's Mike, isn't it?" Ben's piercing gaze locked onto my
eyes.

"Um... kind of."

"You look so happy with him. You two look like... lovers." He
said. I detected a hint of jealousy.

"What? You think so?" My mind was drifted to Mike. Are we
lovers?

"There! That look on your face! You are in love!" He pointed
to my face. Funny how he can notice I'm in love with Mike, but
I've been in love with him forever and he didn't notice. Or
perhaps... he noticed but didn't know what to do with it?

"Yeah, I love him, he's cool." It's no use denying it. He has
seen through me.

"Really? That dumb jock? You love him?" He sounded like he
couldn't believe it.

"Hey, he's a good guy, don't call him that."

"YOU called him that, remember? You were the one who said you
can't stand dumb people!" He was right. I did say that, but
that was history. Everything is different now.

"He's not really that dumb. I've lived with him long enough to
know that."

"Something must have happened this week. Tell me!"

"Why? It's personal!"

"I thought we were best friends?"

"Yeah, but... can't I have personal things too?" He frowned and
looked at me. I could see that he can't stand me keeping this
from him. It's too big.

"You stopped coming over. You aren't even talking to me
anymore. If I didn't ask you to stay back, you would have just
left without saying a word to me for a week."

"I... I'm sorry, but really... something major happened... something
unexpected. Can you give me some time to handle it?"

"If something major happened, shouldn't your best friend be
the first to know? What kind of a friend am I? Do you even
consider me your best friend?"

"Of course, Ben. You have always been my best friend... since
high school. Come on." Ben shook his head. He looked at me and
knew that I wasn't going to tell him. He just stood up and
left. I sat there feeling stupid and confused.

I loved Ben. Of course I wouldn't tell him I love Mike too,
but he already guessed. And now, he's pissed because I
wouldn't tell him and he even questioned our friendship. I
didn't know what to do, but I certainly didn't want to lose my
best friend, so I chased after him.

"Hey, Ben, wait!" I called out to him. Ben turned around and
waited.

"I'll tell you, but you must keep a secret!" Ben nodded. I
looked around and made sure no one was around.

"Mike was kind of depressed when he found out Daisy had a
threesome with us, remember? I couldn't bear seeing him like
that so I looked after him and comforted him, and now he's
attached to me and I want to be around him and make him feel
better." It wasn't the complete truth, but it wasn't a lie
either.

"There's more to it. You both look so happy together, like you
just fell in love with each other." Ben was frowning again as
he said it. He clearly wasn't happy that Mike and I were so
into each other. Was he jealous on the friendship level, or
was it more?

I decided there was no use hiding it, since he already knew.
"We kind of messed around and we both like it, so for now, we
are like... boyfriends, but that's only until he finds another
girlfriend."

"You fucked each other?" He raised an eyebrow.

"We... um... made love to each other." I stressed on "made love"
because I wanted to tell him it's not just fucking.

"Oh my God! You and Mike? Made love?" He said it kind of
loudly and I had to shush him. He just stared at me, loss for
words. Finally he shook his head and just walked away.

"Wait! What was that?" I chased after him, not sure what his
reaction meant.

He turned around and said, "Rick, I'm happy for you. I'm glad
you found someone. But Mike? I don't think it will work. When
it's not working out, you can come and talk to me. But
meanwhile, I think it's best for us to keep a distance, like
we are already doing. I think that's best for the both of us."
With that, he just walked off. I watched as he slowly walked
away, feeling so lost and confused. If he only treated me as a
friend, why must we keep a distance while Mike and I are
together? If not, what does he treat me as?

As I walked back to my room, I was deep in thought. It was
trouble in paradise. Things are going so well with Mike, but
Ben's not happy about it. I feel torn between the two. When I
entered the room, Mike was sitting on his bed, supporting his
head with his hands. Clearly something was on his mind as
well.

"What's the matter, Mike?"

"Coach called me in today. He said the guys have been
talking."

"About what?"

"That we are gay."

"Oh." I knew that was coming.

"He said I was the most homophobic guy on the team, and
suddenly I'm acting all touchy feely with you, so that got the
guys talking."

"Right, I'm sure."

"So he just asked me what's going on, and I didn't know how to
answer him."

"So what did you say?"

"I just said you are my good bro and my roommate so we are
close."

"And?"

"And coach didn't really believe it."

"So what is he going to do?"

"Nothing yet, but he said all the talk is distracting the team
and splitting us up. He said some guys have been avoiding me
because they thought I was gay, and they were talking behind
my back."

"That sucks."

"That's not all. You know in high school, people have always
called me big, fat and stupid? I'm not fat anymore, but now
people are calling me big, gay and stupid."

"Oh my God, that's terrible."

"I can't live like this again. High school was a nightmare."

"I know. I thought you grew out of it."

"I thought I did too. But today it all came back. I can't live
that way again." He looked at me with genuine fear in his
eyes. I can tell how terrible his high school years were.

"Look, it's not that bad. We'd just act normal from now on so
they won't have anything to talk about."

"It doesn't go away... these things just stick with you!" He was
going hysterical. I totally empathized with him.

"This is not high school, Mike, and we are not kids anymore."

"You don't know what it's like to be me!" He was yelling by
then.

"You are right. I don't. So what do you want to do now?"

"I don't know!" He yelled. I thought I needed to give him some
space, so I went to take a shower. He just sat there burying
his head in his hands.

During the shower, I felt someone approaching. I could see
Mike's shadow on the shower curtain and I asked, "Mike?"

"Can I join you?" Mike asked tentatively.

"Sure." It was an unusual request, but given what we have done
together, sharing a shower was nothing. He came in stark
naked. The shower stall immediately became crowded as his
beefy body entered. We stood inches away, facing each other,
warm water all over us. I looked at him, waiting for him to
make the first move.

"I'm sorry, Rick, I shouldn't have gotten mad at you."

"It's ok, I understand why you are mad."

"It's just that... high school has been so terrible it freaked
me out when coach told me people are now calling me gay."

"I know."

"Is this gay? Should we stop what we are doing?"

I sighed. Once again we have gone back to this fundamental
question. I thought we have risen above it, but clearly we
haven't.

"Does it really matter what others are saying about us, as
long as we are happy?"

"You know how cruel people can be. You've seen how people
treat gays. They beat them up, even torture them to death!
And... the whole team avoids me now. What if I'm kicked off the
team? Football is everything to me!"

"You think you will be kicked off the team because they think
you are gay?"

"You never know!" He looked at me in fear.

"Mike, you got to be stronger. You are a man now, not a boy
anymore. No one can bully you, and no one can kick you off the
team if you perform well and stay out of trouble."

"But trouble comes looking for me! What if they come up to me
and call me gay? I can't just let it go! But if I hit them, I
get into trouble! I may be kicked off for hitting my
teammates!"

"That is, IF you hit them."

"But what do I do? Just let them taunt me?"

"I don't know about you, but I'd ignore them."

"Ignore them? Then they'd think it's ok to taunt me some more!
I know how it goes down!"

"So you think hitting them is a better choice?"

"No, there is no better choice! Once it starts it doesn't
stop! Not till you are dead, or left the school!"

"It doesn't always have to end this way."

"You still don't understand!"

"Look, that's what happened at your old high school. This is
not it. Drill that in your head. This is NOT your old high
school!"

He looked at my helplessly. It's like he was a child facing
his greatest fear, and the only one who understands him
doesn't understand. He was totally freaked out.

"Rick," he said nervously, "I love you, but we can't continue
this way." His eyes were full of sadness, but he has already
made up his mind. I could hear it from his tone.

"You mean..."

"I mean if we continue this way, everyone will say we are gay
and we are screwed!"

"You mean, you are screwed." He looked at me, hurt.

"I'm sorry, but I really don't think it's as bad as you make
it out to be." He just shook his head and looked down.

"So, you want to end this. What are you doing in the shower
naked with me?" I was pissed at him for wanting to end things
with me just because he's freaked out.

"I want to make it up to you." He looked up; his eyes
apologetic.

"By having sex with me?"

"By making love to you one last time!" When he said "one last
time," my heart sank. This past week has been the greatest in
my life and he wanted to end it, to take away my happiness.
And for what? Because he can't stand people teasing him? I
wanted to say "That's why people think you are stupid!" but I
stopped myself just in time. That would have hurt him so
deeply. I shook my head and turned to get out of the shower,
but he stopped me. He looked at me with pleading eyes as his
strong hands grabbed my arm. He was so much bigger than me
that I couldn't move. I looked at him in anger.

"What, you are going to rape me now?"

"No, please stay." He was totally begging me now. I looked at
his face, full of sadness and guilt. I softened. If he wanted
to make love to me one last time, sure, I'll let him. I turned
back to face him. He let go of my arm. Then he did something
that totally surprised me. He leaned in and kissed me. A real
French kiss, wet and full of tongue. He put his hands behind
my head and held me in place while he kissed me. When I got
over my initial shock, I kissed him back. We tongue wrestled
for a long time, warm water all over us. When we parted, I
could see love in his eyes.

Then, he started massaging my whole body, from head to toe,
just like I did to him a week ago. He was so gentle and
sensual, exactly the way I taught him to be. I closed my eyes
and enjoyed it. He has never given me a full-body massage
before, and it felt so good. His big, rough hands roamed all
over my body, squeezing and nudging every muscle. Although he
still tends to be more forceful than needed, he was doing a
wonderful job. I felt so relaxed and comfortable. After he
massaged me from head to toe, he went back to my cock. He
rubbed it and played with my balls a bit. Then, just like I
did, he asked, "How do you want me to finish you off?"

"Can I cum in your ass?" I replied exactly as he did. If it
was one last time, I would want to get as much as I can. He
nodded and turned so that his ass was right in front of my
cock. He even stuck it out so that his ass crack pushed
against my hard cock. I couldn't help but rubbed it up and
down his crack. It felt so surreal. It's been ages since I
last fucked him. It brought back memories: how I got him to
let me hump him, how much he liked it, how I later got him to
let me fuck him, how he used a dildo on himself, how he asked
me to fuck him again, and so on. And now, I can do it again,
but it's also the last time. I wanted to make this memorable.

I took some soap and used it as lube on my cock. My hands kept
rubbing his ass cheeks. They were so big, so round and so
meaty. I squeezed them hard, wanting to remember the feel.
When I enter him, I want to do it slowly. I want to savor
every moment. I poked around, found his hole, then ever so
slowly inserted my cock. I could feel his hole tightened
around my cock head. It hasn't been fucked for a long time and
it has closed up. But I didn't want to use my fingers; I
wanted to feel his tight hole opening up for my cock. I
pressed against his hole and applied pressure. It slowly
opened up, but it was still too tight. Mike flinched. I knew
he was in pain, but I got to go through with it. He pushed
against me, opening up as best he can. Ever so slowly, my cock
head entered. The hardest was over and the rest was easy. I
pushed in, inch by inch, and he kept moaning. His hands were
pressing on the shower wall for support, his ass pushed back
at me, and his head was thrown back. There was a mixture of
pain and pleasure on his face.

As I continued to push in, I kissed his neck. I started
sucking on it. I wanted to leave my mark on him, a mark that
says I own him, at least for now. In this brief moment, he's
mine. I caressed his entire body. I stroked his chest and
stomach with my left hand and reached for his cock with my
right, just like he did to me. I slowly jerked him off while I
pushed in and out of him with long, deep strokes. I pulled all
the way out, then shoved back in. I played with his balls,
stroked his cock, caressed his legs, squeezed his ass, tweaked
his nipples and rubbed his stomach. I touched every part of
his body I could reach. I wanted to have him all to myself. I
wanted to remember this day forever.

Just like he did, I settled back to just holding his chest
with my left, then jerking him with my right hand while I
thrust in him. After fucking him slowly for a long time, it
was time to speed things up. If I wanted to make this
memorable, the finale has to be spectacular. I started
thrusting faster, pushing my cock hard into him. I was so
forceful I sent him against the wall, but neither of us cared.
He was pushing back, wanting more of my cock in him. I fucked
him relentlessly while I jerked him at a frantic pace. I
wanted both of us to cum together. I was grunting loudly and
he was moaning in sync with every thrust I made. I nibbled on
his neck as I pounded him hard. I felt his ass clenching on my
cock and I knew it was time. He was close and so was I. I
could feel his cock pulsating in my hands. I reached down and
gently cupped his balls with my left hand while my right hand
kept jerking him. I wanted to feel his cum rising from his
balls. I felt his balls tightened and his cock immediately
jumped and erupted with loads of thick, white cum. They
splashed onto the wall in front and I could hear the
splattering sounds. It was so forceful. He was practically
screaming.

Meanwhile, my cock started ejaculating as well. I unloaded
deep in his ass, shooting four or five volleys of hot cum. I
could feel my cum filling out his hole and seeping back down,
surrounding my own cock. I held my cock there, enjoying the
warm sensation. I wanted to milk every drop of cum out of my
cock. I wanted to breed this giant. When I felt every drop of
cum has been milked, I slowly pulled out, but not before
giving his ass a few last strokes. Only when my cock fully
deflated did I reluctantly pull out of him.

Mike was breathing heavily, his hands still pressing against
the wall for support. His head was down. I didn't know what he
was thinking or feeling. I was so exhausted myself that I
leaned back on the opposite wall, panting. The water was
starting to turn cold.

He turned towards me and said, "You haven't had your shower
yet." I didn't know why he said that, it was the last thing on
my mind. But I soon found out why. He started washing my hair
and scrubbing my body lovingly, like I did to him that day
when he was drunk. It felt so good having him wash me all
over. It was so sensual. He really took care cleaning me and
was really gentle. By the time he finished and I rinsed off,
the water was totally cold. We quickly exited the shower stall
and dried ourselves. We laughed, and for the moment, it seemed
we were back to the perfect week, but as soon as we went back
to our room, I was brought back to reality.

"Did you enjoy it, Rick? I certainly did."

"Yes, I did, a lot. Thanks, Mike."

"You are welcome. I hope that was good, because I don't think
we can do it again." He looked at me, waiting for my response,
but I had nothing to say.

"I thought about it. I can't go the gay route. My teammates
won't accept it, my parents won't accept it, and... I'm not sure
if I can accept it either."

"You had no problem accepting it this past week."

"I know, but as soon as we go back to the real world, it's
just not so simple."

"So you can't accept it because the world can't accept it?"

"Rick, may be you are stronger than me, but I can't live in
this world if this world doesn't accept me."

"Because you are a big, burly football player, you can't be
gay?"

"I'm not even sure if I'm gay. Remember our talk last time?
You were so certain I was 100% straight!"

"That was before we started fucking like every hour of every
day!"

He looked at me, at a loss for words, but I can see he already
made up his mind, so I just sighed.

"I'm sorry, Rick. This has to end. I'm going to be a
homophobic football player, I'm going to diss gays just like
all the guys on the team, and I'm going to graduate from this
college and get into professional football, and then I'm going
to get married and have kids." He looked so determined.

I snickered and shook my head. "Well, good luck, Mike."
Suddenly I felt my love for him melted to nothingness. If a
guy can't be true to himself and admit what he loves, yet turn
around and bully people like him, what kind of a man is he? Is
he even worthy of my love? Clearly, to him, football is more
important than me. Not only that, but to him, what others
think is more important than our relationship. He is stopping
it base on other people's talk behind his back. What a coward.
But then, I thought about it more. What about me? I always
kept a low profile, always pretended I'm not gay. Am I any
better? Do I dare to tell the world I'm gay? My teammates? My
parents? I don't know. I was so confused, so devastated. I was
heartbroken.

I threw my blanket over me and turned to face the wall, just
like Mike did when he was sulking. I wanted to cry, but I told
myself it's not worth crying for. I just closed my eyes and
tried to sleep. I wanted to numb myself. Mike came over and
put his hand on my shoulder briefly, but he didn't say
anything. There was nothing to be said. It was final. I knew
it. He just sat on my bed for a long time, not saying
anything. Finally, he said, "I'm sorry."

And he was gone.