Chapter 3: Rock and a Hard Place

We both lay there shirtless, on our backs, napping and soaking up the last bit of warmth the afternoon had to offer. This flat rocky outcrop that formed the edge of the plateau was my favorite spot to just sit and think, and watch the world pass by. Behind us were some ancient oak trees standing over a secluded grassy meadow, and before us was a view of the whole valley floor below. Looking down upon the whole fucked up world, there was just something about a place like this that allowed you to feel like you could just rise above it for a while; separate yourself from all the bullshit down there. They were mostly just petty people living their petty lives anyway: afraid to make a difference. Afraid to be different.

As I looked over at Lances profile, lying there peacefully with his eyes closed, I just couldn't shake the feeling that I was the luckiest guy in the world at that moment. The sight of his bare chest and arms made me sigh to myself in pleasure as I noticed that strange feeling in the pit of my stomach was returning again. I reached my hand out hesitatingly, and I finally couldn't resist gently running my hand over his warm smooth skin.

"Feels good, Ricky," he said softly but clearly, his eyes still closed.

After we had reached `the ledge' (as I called it) earlier that afternoon, I sat down and dangled my feet over the edge of the 150-foot drop off, leaning back on my hands. I looked over at Lance, sitting beside me. "Well? You got a lot of `splainin' to do Lucy," I laughed with my best Cuban accent.

He stifled a giggle at my statement (good--apparently they have `I Love Lucy' re-runs in Australia too...), and then his face grew deadly serious. "I know, Ricky. You don't know that much about me yet. But you have to promise me you won't let anything that I tell you now change what we have. I want to tell you the truth, but I just couldn't stand to lose you too. I don't think I could live without you, mate; and it scares me to death. I mean, we just met 2 days ago, and I reckon I honestly can't picture my life without you. In a way, you're the reason I'm even alive today--but I'll get to that. Just let me say what I have to say, and then you can ask me anything you like, ok?"

"Sure, Lance," I said.

He took a deep breath and started in. "I hope this doesn't just sound too weird to you Ricky, but it really is the truth, so please try and understand." He looked up at me briefly and began, looking down at his feet again; "So, you remember I told you that I had been through something like this once before, back home? Well, I hope it doesn't hurt your feelings or anything mate, but surely you must have reckoned that you aren't the first person I ever fell in love with. Now, I know that I'm your first--at least I'm pretty sure I am--and that is really special to me; really special! I just wish I could give you something that special in return, but my life simply didn't happen that way, Rick," he said with an apologetic look.

"I'm sorry to interrupt, Lance, but you have given me something even better! You loved me back!" I said while trying not to let my tears show. "Go on, I'll be quiet now."

After a moment, he began again. "Corey was his name. We were best mates since we were both in nappies. We grew up together. More like brothers really, since we were both only children. We did everything together. We both had a set of bunk beds and a set of clothes in each other's house. We just took turns living in each other's family. It didn't matter which house or which set of parents, all that mattered was that we were together."

He took another deep breath. "When I turned 12, and when...well; you know, things started changing down there..." he glanced at his shorts, "I kinda reckoned that I might be different. Well, what I mean was that Corey was startin' to notice the girls in a different way, and I was startin' to notice Corey in a different way. All I ever dreamed about was what it would be like to hug him, or kiss him, or...other things," he blushed. "I couldn't possibly tell him that, of course! We truly were best mates, and I never wanted to lose that. I decided that I would just try to be happy with what I had, and enjoy his friendship. But, it was hard as hell to watch him dating all the girls--and he was damn cute, but I think you'd give him a hell of a go, Ricky--and listen to him tell me all about it afterwards, without letting on how much it broke my heart to know that he would never kiss me or touch me like that. Of course, he was a player too, you know. A golfer. That's about all we did together. He was a lot like you, Ricky. I mean, he was shorter than me; but he was a hella player. A real fiery and determined little bloke. I don't know how he did it, but he was always a little longer than me off the tee--the little bugger. Anyway, we really pushed each other to get better through our own little competitions, and in local junior tournaments we both competed in. In our first year, we both made the school team; and we were both equally the top players on the team last year."

He sighed sadly. "Then, things just went all to hell, Ricky. We were still sleeping together quite a lot (in the same room, not the same bed!). One morning, I woke up and saw him sitting there like he had been watching me, giving me a real serious look. He said, `Lancer (his nick-name for me), you know you're still talking in your sleep, mate? (I have since I was little). You have anything you wanna tell me?' Well, I had no idea what I could have said, but I had a fair guess what the general neighborhood might be. Most of the dreams I could remember were about him. `Not really, Cor.' I said. He gave me an angry look. `Don't lie to me, Lance. I know you too well, dammit! You've always been a terrible liar, mate. You bloody said you wanted me to kiss you, Lance! In your dream, I reckon. What's up with that?"

Now, Lance was having a little trouble talking through his tears and sniffles. "I had to tell him, Ricky. I couldn't lie to him anymore. Something inside me wanted so badly to tell him. It really hurt inside and I wanted to get it out of me, but I just knew it would be all over then. I lost my best mate, just like that. He threw me out of his house that same morning, after he yelled at me for a while. He was none too happy to find out I was gay, but he was really pissed I had kept it a secret all our lives. He said that if I couldn't be honest with him, couldn't trust him, he had no use for me as a friend. After that, I didn't see him for a while. I was too depressed to go to school, and I was afraid he might tell everyone about me. He had quite a temper, but I knew eventually he would calm down--like, maybe after a month or two! I still had a faint hope we could be mates again once he got over it. I was just waiting a few more days until he cooled off so I could talk to him, you know? And apologize for not telling him. But, before I had a chance, he died in a car wreck, Ricky! Hit by a drunk driver. Just like that, he was gone," he said, snapping his fingers.

Lance was crying pretty hard now, and I put my arm around him and gave him a little hug, laying my head on his shoulder. "I never got to see him again, Ricky! I never got to say all the things I wanted to say, to apologize for not telling him about me, to just tell him how much I loved him! I just wanted to beg him to be best mates again, you know? It hurt so bad, I just couldn't stand it. When his dad called me early in the morning after it happened, to tell me he had died, I was still home alone since I hadn't left for school yet. When I heard what had happened I was so heartbroken, at first I could hardly even breathe, let alone move a muscle. Eventually I just felt this huge growing anger inside me. I kept telling myself that it was in some way my fault. If I had been there, it never would have happened, I was sure. I was just so mad at myself and mad at the world for taking him away from me; I decided I wanted to end all my pain and hurt. I decided I couldn't stand to live if I couldn't be together with Corey any more. So, I found some tranquilizers my mum had in her emergency kit (which she had taught me how to use, etc.) and I swallowed them all. I just laid down on my bed crying into my pillow, Ricky, expecting to die," he said to me apologetically.

"I don't know if it was a dream, or if it was really him, or what the hell it was actually mate...but after I passed out, he came to me. Well, I mean...uh, I could see him in my dream...or whatever it was. He said he came to say goodbye to me. He told me he was sorry for rejecting me before, that it was ok to be gay. He said that he forgave me for not telling him, and that he would always love me as a brother. But, he said it wasn't my time to go: that someone still needed me in this life, and that I had to go and find him--be with him. He said not to worry, everything would work out ok; I just needed to have some faith, some patience, and I would know when I find him. Then a picture of the cutest boy I ever saw popped into my head, Ricky. It must have been you. At least, when I first saw you that day, I was totally sure it was you I had seen in that dream. Something in my heart just told me it was."

"Holy shit!" I said with wide eyes. "That's just so...I dunno. Kinda weird, no offense, Lance. Pretty amazing, I guess."

"I hope you don't think I've lost me marbles or something," Lance said looking at me for some sense of my reaction. "I know it sounds a bit too much, but that's what happened, best I reckon. I woke up late in the afternoon, and realized I had thrown up all over my bed and myself. I guess all the stuff I swallowed never stayed down long enough to have a chance to kill me. I just got myself up, cleaned everything, and never told anyone about it until just now, Ricky."

"Wow. Mostly, I just feel sooo lucky to have you in my life at all. It really scares me to think how close I came to never meeting you..." I said. "Lance," I added seriously, "Like you said, I just don't think I could make it without you either. I don't want to make it without you. Lance, let's just promise each other right here and right now that we will do everything we possibly can to stick together, no matter what."

"I do, Ricky, I promise," he said with tears in his eyes.

"Me too." We hugged tightly, and held on to each other for the longest time, each almost afraid to let go of the other. We each needed the other so much at that point; I think it was a little scary for both of us.

After a bit, all the close body contact started to arouse other feelings in each of us. We fell into a long kiss, and another, etc., until we were simply exhausted from the whole physical and emotional outlay that afternoon. So, we both lay back on the rock to nap for a while, and soak up a little more sun.

"Ya, it does feel good, doesn't it?" I replied with a smile, as I continued to run my hand across his smooth, warm chest, memorizing all the wonderful contours of his upper body. My fingers slowly teased the little hairs around each nipple making them stand up and beg for more attention. Then, my fingers moved down across his taught stomach to the little trail of hairs leading away from his belly button down to his very noticeable package.

My hands were soon trembling again as noticed him becoming obviously hard in his shorts from my attention. My breathing got suddenly short and ragged, and my mouth went dry as I just stared at the outline of his dick straining against the fabric of his shorts. So long, and perfect. Again, the head of his dick was clearly outlined in his looked huge even in relation to his above average size. My fingers shook as they teased across the top of his boxers, showing stylishly above his shorts. He remained totally silent, as he lay there looking so calm and peaceful with his eyes closed and hands behind his head. My hands wandered down and slowly caressed the little black hairs on his legs and inside his muscular thighs, wandering up just inside the opening of his shorts and down again. Eventually my fingers found their way back up and continued teasing along the top of his shorts and along his waist. Soon I could see a wet spot starting to form near the head of his dick. At this point, I was so hard that I couldn't see straight, and my hands decided things for me as they tentatively stroked down his hard length, feeling the heat through the fabric. I was totally on fire inside at this point, marveling over the first touch of my hand on another erection besides my own. My own dick was so achingly hard, I thought for a moment that I might be able to cum without doing anything but touching Lance. I leaned over to kiss him; nibbling on his chest, his shoulder, his neck, and eventually working my way up to his chin as my hand continued to stroke the entire length of his hardness. He groaned a low groan and turned to meet my lips with his. Before I even realized it, our tongues were teasing each other, and immediately began to battle more heatedly. As I stroked his length slowly a few more times, he writhed and moaned out, "Oh god, Ricky!" I gently but firmly squeezed the big plum shaped head through his shorts a couple times. "Unghhhhhhh..." He whimpered loudly as he shook and I could feel him cumming massively in his shorts. As he groaned repeatedly through his orgasm, I continued to kiss his face all over lightly, especially enjoying the feeling as the little bit of stubble on his chin brushed across my lips.

"Oh man, I'm so sorry Lance! I didn't mean to make you mess in your pants! I just...well, I just had to touch you there. It was like my hand wasn't gonna take no for an answer!" I apologized.

"Bloody hell, Ricky! Don't apologize!" he said in amazement. "It was fantastic having you touch me like that. I've never felt anything close to being that good before in my life! You're just amazing Ricky, you can do that any time you want, love. Well...almost any time," he laughed.

"Really?" I said beaming. "I really liked it too, ya know. Yours is so's so long and...oh, man." I said getting a little embarrassed. "I gotta piss," I said as I hopped up to visit the bushes. Fortunately, the immediate guilt and concern that Lance would be upset with me had deflated my pressing situation well enough, thank god. It's not easy to piss with a hard-on, ya know?

As I walked back to the ledge, it was getting dark enough to begin to see the lights down in the city below. I looked at Lance and he patted the ground in front of him. I sat down between his knees, and he wrapped his arms around me, placing his chin on my shoulder. We both sat silently for a while, enjoying the view and the city lights. The light breeze was getting cooler now that the sun was down, so we both put on our shirts and windbreakers, and cuddled up quickly as we had been just before.

"So, I mean, what happened after that? How did you get outed? Did he tell anyone?" I asked.

"No. He never told anyone about me. I did," he said sadly.

I put my hands over his as they wrapped around me tightly from behind, and squeezed them gently. "It's ok if you don't wanna talk about it any more."

"No," he said. "I want to get this over with." He took another deep breath, and started in again. "At his funeral, I felt I just had to speak in his memory. I had to honor him, and honor myself by telling the truth about everything; how much I loved him and missed him. About how he came to me and told me it was ok to be who I am; told me to be brave for him," he said, as I could feel his tears dripping down on my shoulder. A lot of my classmates and teachers were there, Rick. After that, of course, they knew. They made my life bloody hell. Nobody beat me, but they may as well have. Nobody would speak to me at school. The teachers treated me like shit. They wouldn't have me on the golf team after that. But, without Corey, I couldn't play anyway. It was too hard to be on the course without him at my side; too many painful memories. Without him, I didn't have my heart in playing: no passion, no fire to compete. No reason to be there, really" he sighed. "I spent the last nine months living a shadow life. Just doing what I had to do to get to the next day, and keep looking for you like he said I should do, hoping you were real. I had my doubts many, many times. The world just seemed so pointless to me without him. But, I just kept hoping it would finally work out like he promised me. Thursday last was the first time I played since he died. My parents insisted that I try to play again. I guess I'm glad they did."

"I'm so sorry, Lance" I sniffed. My heart was aching for him, just imagining what he must have felt. "I'm sorry you had to live through all that. It must have been sooo hard for you. But, I am real, and I'm really glad that you are here. I feel like a different person now because of you: like my life has a reason all of a sudden, that I had never been able to see before. Thank you," I said as I raised his hand up in mine and kissed it. "And thanks to Corey for bringing you to me."

After a moment of just sitting together and enjoying the view, Lance added, "You know, mate; the last two days I woke up each morning absolutely sure this had all been another dream, you know--meeting you and all," he laughed a little. "Every day I had to convince myself all over again that you were real. When I walked into the golf course Thursday and I saw you there, I almost collapsed right on the spot. I don't know really how, but I just knew instantly you were `the one.' There was this big ray of sunshine coming between the trees, shining right on you; it looked just like a movie or something. You were so awesome standing there, so beautiful, so...oh man," he blushed as he stroked my hair. I was so happy after that, it was really hard for me not to just run over and hug you and...well, it wouldn't have been pretty, I assure you," He laughed. "I was trying so hard to just be calm and act normal, whatever that is. I didn't want to scare you off. But, it was just driving me crazy that first day, I tell ya! I just had to get to know you."

"Well," I said with a laugh, "I sure am glad you didn't undress me right there on the putting green! I sure wouldn't want anyone to confuse my driver with my one-iron, hah!"

Lance fell over backwards, laughing hysterically and adding between breaths, "No, not your one-iron, mate--your putter!"

"You asshole!" I said laughing almost as hard, "I'm gonna have to punish you for that!" I jumped on top of him as he lay on his back, and began to tickle him unmercifully.

"Stop!" he panted, "Stop! You're gonna make me wet meself!"

"So," I said with glee, "You already did that once, anyway! What could it hurt now?"

"Please," he begged, as my fingers ran from his armpits down to his ribs and back again. "I'll do anything...uhhh...hah hah hah...just stop...hah hah...oh, don't...Ricky, please! Hah hah hah..."

"Hmmm," I said as I let up, still sitting on top of him with my knees grabbing his hips (and a little reluctant to stop, because I was really starting to enjoy the ride--

If ya know what I mean!) "I know!" I said with an evil grin. I couldn't quite believe myself that I was really going to say what I did then. Musta been that alien mind control thing again (ya, the alien in my pants I think!). "I know what your punishment should be..." I said leaning down real close to his face, and looking deep into his eyes.

"What, dare I ask?" he replied.

"Well, uh..." I said, blushing at what I was about to suggest, "I think you should clean my `putter'--uh...with your tongue, of course." Wow! I was experiencing a whole new dimension of myself I had never known before today. I felt like a sexual being for the first time in my life, I think. It felt weird, but good at the same time. Kinda like I was watching myself do and say things I would never have believed I was capable of, through someone else's eyes.

His eyes got real big as it dawned on him what I meant. Then, he looked at me again with passion in his eyes, "Can I, please?"

"Uh, ya...I mean...but, you don't really have to Lance..." I choked out.

The look in his eyes made his intentions quite clear. Both our eyes then followed down to my shorts, as I sat now nervously astride him, where my hard-on was quite obvious by then. He slowly undid the button on my shorts, and then the zipper. He gently fished my dick and balls out as he lowered my boxer briefs. He gently stroked up and down with his fingers for a minute, and he said, "You are just so gorgeous Ricky."

"Nowhere big as you, man," I said with a nervous laugh, as I could feel his monster coming alive again underneath my butt (hey, at least I had finally passed the 5" mark the previous summer, to go with my recently acquired small patch of light brown hair --yahoo! I had to have a little `celebration' after that, ya know?). It had gotten noticeably thicker the last few months, I observed, but still only about 5 " in length hard. Sure, I measured it. Who doesn't?

"Just bloody perfect," he said quietly, with wonder still in his voice. He grabbed my butt and pulled me up towards him. His tongue gently reached out and softly traced around the circumcised head with agonizing slowness as his strong hands squeezed my butt. I couldn't help myself, as I pushed my hips forward and he took me all the way inside his mouth, the heat and the wetness absolutely driving me crazy. I had never experienced anything remotely like it before (I mean, there are only so many ways you get off with your own hands!). As his tongue swirled all over my shaft and my balls, I was totally lost in the experience. My natural reflexes soon took over, and I began madly humping his mouth while holding his head in both of my hands, while gently running my fingers all through his soft, sexy hair. I could hardly even make a sound; my mouth was open, shouting out silent screams of pleasure. My dick had never felt anything like this before--all of a sudden it just felt so incredibly big and so, so hard it almost hurt. Then, in an instant everything in my whole body spasmed and shook as I exploded several times into his mouth. God, it felt like I was gonna blow his head right off!

"Ohhhh...ohhh...ohh my fuckin' god! I never...oh,! God Lance, I love you sooo much!" I said breathlessly as I leaned down and kissed the top of his head. He looked up at me with a satisfied smile, love shining in his eyes. I collapsed down on him, resting my head on his chest, and the world slowly faded to black.

As I walked in the door to my house, I came face to face with my Mom for the first time in a few days. Even though I knew she would be home, and I had been mentally preparing myself for this moment as I walked home, I still felt myself beginning to crumble under the pressure. I was full of conflicted feelings--I had this overwhelming feeling that she would come unglued if she knew I was gay, and that scared me shitless at the moment. I have always been terrible at hiding things from her. If I felt bad or guilty about something I had done, she would always just know instantly and start questioning me until I spilled my guts out. Sometimes, quite literally (my stomach doesn't do too well when I get emotionally stressed...).

Not that we were very close, but my Mom was all I had left. I couldn't stand the thought of losing her too, right now. I had definitely lost my Dad a long time ago (thankfully, perhaps...), and I was pretty sure I had already lost my brother (if I ever really `had' him; we haven't ever been very close, certainly not since he was a little shit...). She always tried to be what she thought a good mom should be, but I never felt emotionally connected to her. Everything with her always felt like it was just about the surface of things, the appearance of things. I realized long ago that we were quite opposite in that regard. I never trusted anything or anyone based on appearances. I have always preferred to let people define themselves by their own words or actions. I try never to make assumptions, only observations. And, I had learned to be very observant.

I never felt like I could talk to her about anything really important to me. Like I always had to hide some part of myself, because I didn't think she would approve of it. Sure, she supported me in whatever I wanted to do, and gave me appropriate encouragement or criticism where it was warranted. Maybe it was just me, but I felt like we had a very superficial relationship. I felt like I was just another job for her, and that she was just grateful that I could mostly take care of myself, and never got into any trouble of my own making, did well in school, etc. She already had more than she could handle with my brother as it was, I knew. But, the thought that she would probably disapprove of me being gay also made me mad. What right could she have to judge me for being gay? It wasn't my choice! From what I know, and from what I have read, I have to assume I was born that way, dammit, and she was the one who gave birth!

"Hi Mom. G'night Mom. It's been a long day, and I have to work tomorrow morning. I'm goin' to bed," I said quietly while heading towards my room, trying to avoid eye contact. I was definitely hoping to stay away from any lengthy conversation at this point.

"Hang on a sec there, bud. I haven't seen you around very much the last two days. That isn't like you, Rick. What have you been up to lately? And, I know I don't have to ask you if you are keeping up with your school work."

"Well, Mom, I've just been hanging out with Lance. He's a new friend from the golf team. He just moved here a week and a half ago. From Australia. We practice and stuff. Today, we took a hike at the preserve after I got off work."

She gave me a long, penetrating look. But, apparently her radar couldn't detect anything tonight. Maybe it was busted. "I see. Ok, Good night son."

Ok...Now that was weird!

Later that night, I lay alone in my bed digesting all of the last two days events in my mind. In just 48 hours, I had more or less figured out I was gay, fallen in love, and had my first ever `sexual encounter' with the nicest, awesome-est, hunkiest guy on the planet--who was now my boyfriend! Other than that, nothing much had happened. Jeez! It just stunned me to think how much had happened in such a short time. My mind just can't adjust that quickly to all these new concepts and feelings. I seemed to have this permanent case of butterflies in my stomach, like I get when I am nervous or anxious about doing something that makes me uncomfortable, kinda like giving a speech in front of the class at school. I don't think it will go away until my head gets comfortable with all that has changed in my life. My mind was nowhere ready for sleep tonight, as it had way too much work to do processing all of this stuff.

As my mind chugged along working on its huge task in the background, my attention drifted back to memories of what it felt like today to feel Lance's body--the electric feeling it created inside me--and the sensations of his tongue lightly tracing over the head of my dick. The feeling of shooting off in Lance's mouth today had instantly re-defined for me what an orgasm was supposed to feel like. My dick started to ache again in sympathy as I remembered feeling the sensations--my dick had literally felt bigger and harder than it had ever felt in my entire life, even though it may not have actually been so. But, the feeling was so incredible...I was struggling to describe to myself this new feeling I had inside me...I just felt so different now. I had sex with another boy! And I loved it!

Then, it hit me. I kinda felt like in some ways I started to become a man today. Sounds a little grandiose, I know; but it made me feel so grown up physically and sexually all of a sudden (but hey, I will be sixteen in a couple of weeks!). Now, I guess I know a little bit how some guys feel when they fuck their first chick. How they walk, talk; act totally different the next day. They are truly changed forever. I don't think I expected that to happen to me exactly, but I certainly felt different inside. A lot of it, I think, came simply from the growing feeling that I loved someone with all my heart, and that he loved me too. That feeling alone just seemed to alter the foundation that everything else in my life rested upon. Changed it for the better. Ya, definitely better.