Date: Fri, 10 Jul 2015 15:50:27 -0400 From: Anthony Mavilia Subject: Becoming A Man's Boy Becoming a Man's Boy By Tony I For a long time - at least from age 16.- I was a pretty normal guy who happened to like fucking around with other guys. By 22 other than work and the gym, fucking with men was what was on my mind most of the time. "Gay"? - nah - don't give a shit about style and theatre and the camp names of the local drag queens. "Frat jock"? Maybe - sure looked it -but no.. "Queer"? "Fuckboi"? - Nah...definitely not.. "A regular horny guy who liked getting it off with men"? There ya go. I go to the gym three - five times a week, have the regulation six-pack and square pecs. I work on my body and it shows.Dark eyes dark hair - pretty short most of the time - but I can get lazy about having it cut. , DNA gave me hairy legs and butt, nice treasure trail and a thick bush. My cock is pretty decent too - not enormous, but not "a gay 9 inches" either - ya know nine inches measured from the top of the butt crack to the piss slit. Erect Just a solid seven inch piece of meat, measured from the base where my pubes used ta be, cut and pretty good thickness too.. My friend Dave used ta say its "Party Size" and helikes to party on it- or he used ta. You noticed that "used ta"?. There's a lot of "used ta" about me right now. "Used ta" have thick dark pubes and pit hair "used ta" get fucked only when I felt like it usually in a flip-fuck situation and "used ta" jack off whenever I wanted . Used ta."Used ta" cum when I was horny and never thought about when and whether it was "the right time" to be sporting an erection. Never "used ta" call any guy "sir" or let him decide what-if anything - I'd be wearing. "Used ta" look a dude straight in the eye while we were fucking. Never got slapped in the ass - at least not over a knee with tears streaming down my face."Never used ta." It's all different now. Today I'm a smooth shaved down 25 year old Boy - slimmer than at 23 and more cut up - real smooth, - no pubes, pit hair - nothin' on my legs even, short hair on top .. Twink ? Boy? Boi? Mike says I'm a "boy" right now till I learn to be what he calls a "Youngman" and maybe someday a "Man". Right now just his boy - and when I piss him off a "fuckin' little boy." Before I started down the track of becoming a boy three years ago everything was pretty much as nature and my workout designed it. But that is all changed now. Mike - my Dad - likes his boys to be "realbois" with bush and what body hair they grew into and muscle growing - if he thinks they've earned the right That right is not so easy to come by and I learned it the hard way. He tells me some day I might earn it back , might- but a part of me says prob'ly not.Not any time real soon And maybe Mike's right. Where I used ta know myself now its through Mike that I know who I am. When he says I'm ready to be a Youngman that's when it is. So... I met Mike at Jacks about three 'n a ha'f years ago.. I was really into open group masturbation and went thereon a regular basis. I jacked with guys I knew and new ones that showed up - anybody hot 'll get a few strokes from me and I learned a long time ago that good looks and big cock size don't always make for the most hot times.. I'm normally into guys like myself - at least used ta be - basically I fucked with other dudes that were age size weight similar to me.. I like groups and I like naked play . I go to the baths too - or "used ta" . Like I said I went after guys my age and size and liked to flip fuck and 69 with protection ( I'm only so stupid Ha!) , rim and piss not so much, but. hell a dude gets freaky sometimes... Sometimes I'd hook up with smaller guys and fuck their brains out. Bigger guys would come on to me and if I was game get MY brains fucked out .It was always pretty casual and no strings attached - if we felt like hooking up again we did or just walked after a shower. Even my roommate Mark who I was real close to and shared just about everything with is nowhere near being a "serious commitment" The Baths and street cruising were all part of a week but Jacks was my main playground my place where everyone knew my name. Sitting butt-assed naked at the bar with your cock up and another dude's in your fist sure beats sitting at a cruise joint nursing a drink waiting for something to happen and then having to take it outside somewhere All types of guys show up at Jacks, lots of them and a lot of naked action from the minute you got on line to check your clothes to the time they put you out. . Lots of Dad types show up there too. Older grey guys, sometimes in shape sometimes not - and hell they catch a lot of action from other Dads and bears and their cubs so that's cool too. Sometimes they came on to me or tried to horn in on the action between me and some other jacker. Not really my speed so I mostly let them walk off. Ok..... So I'm at Jacks this night and my two main friends Dave and Mark call to say they can't come over - bummer! Still the place is pretty full so no prob. I jacked with a couple guys I knew to be regulars and this one Brit with a huge piece of meat. But nothing really catches fire so ya move on. I spy a very hot older guy I'd seen a few times before -a lot bigger than me - about 6'4" and maybe 250 - 260, solid , mat of grey body hair and a beard. Maybe 50 - 52 and a legitimate 9 inch cock standing erect straight up at least two inches above his navel. He was on a bar stool facing out into the room, legs open and his elbows on the bar. Lots of guys walked past and looked to step up to him , then thought better of it and passed on. That cock got little or no attention from its master but stayed up like there was rebar in it. . Viagra I thought.. Not really my type - but damn he looked hot and that cock -uncut, nice foreskin, long hanging balls real fleshy and lots of skin - what I always call a real horse cock - and fuckin hard as rock - standing up practically touching his abs.. Now, like I said I usually went for age size similar guys. But this Dad was hot. .I looked at him and stepped in between his legs like I usually do with other men , maybe say hi, or just take some Albolene and give a guys cock a stroke. Normally it leads to some stroke play and maybe further. When I stepped in between this man's legs he gave me a look and put both hands on my biceps. "Don't ask for permission first boy?" My temper flared at "boy" and I would have just walked away. "Don't ask permission before you grab a man's cock?" This guy was serious and I was a little like a deer caught in the headlights. I tried to just move away but he held me. "Sorry Sir" came out my mouth. "Where the fuck did that come from?" I would later ask myself. " So I see you have some manners " He felt up my arms and moved to my pecs and abs. "Look like a fine young man too" and he proceeded to check my body out with his eyes and hands. I felt like I was a horse up for sale - he did everything but check my teeth. "Nice piece on you too - seen bigger but it'll do. Probably needs training - always does at your age - what are you - 22-23?" Fuckin' arrogant dude if I ever met one. But that voice and those eyes held me in place as he did what he wished. He even tried to get a finger up in my chute - I was in no mood to open for this arrogant son of a bitch. But I didn't get myself free either and never would. II Where I had stepped up to a man to enjoy his cock and get into some mutual anonymous JO, I was now under the hand of someone who while he told me his name was Mike I couldn't stop calling "Sir". And who found it natural to call me "boy". Mike had a slow hand, gentle but powerful - and not always gentle. He liked to see how I took some pain. A punch to the chest if I was slow to respond, a tug to the balls 'cause thats how he did it. One punch to the gut to see if I was a real boy not just some gym fag. Yeah - I should 'a walked away - but this was some incredible JO and I hate to admit it but I liked all the attention. and fuck this man was hot. Much as I tried, my hand never even grazed Mike's hard stand-up cock. Every attempt at contact earned a punch to the pecs and one serious gut punch. This was some totally one sided JO and while my cock got all the attention it was really about Mike and what he said was going on. Pretty quick too I got the message that if I was going to have an ejac it was gonna be on his schedule and his say so. and it would be a long time coming. Which I really didn't mind, in fact some weird switch was turned on and I wanted to impress this bastard I didn't even know with how long I could take serious edging. I was like an open book to Mike - he knew before I did when I was on the edge and was real deft about getting me back down. At one point he turned me around my back against his chest, put his left fist on my shaft and applied the open palm of his right to the head of my penis. What first was ecstasy became unbearable -I started to whimper and begged him to let me cum. "Boy, I could do this all night and you wouldn't cum - go with it. " I really had no choice and trembled under his hand. Pre-cum was streaming out of my cock making it slick as I could ever remember. He took some of it and put it to my lips." I could do a lot with you boy" No answer from me lost in the torture of this slow swirl . Then a twist to my left nipple very hard and -it seemed- angry ."I could do a lot with you boy" "Yes Sir , Thank You sir" This would not be the last time that I would thank this man for inflicting pain and preventing me from ejaculating.. At a point Mike felt that this had gone on long enough. "So I suppose you want to shoot your load now don't you?" Fuck yeah." Swift blow to the pecs. "Fuck!" But the normal urge to slug this fucker back just wasn't there - not really, not the way it woulda been "Boy this can go two ways - you can walk off right now and get that load out with anyone of the others here or we can do this the right way.. I think you know what you need and I think I might not have wasted my time here today." " So I suppose you want to shoot your load now don't you?" My blood was pretty much up but my cock was under his control and wanted only one thing - for this arrogant patronizing fuck to give me the orgasm he had been working me up to for almost three hours."Yes sir, thank you sir" "I think we have potential here young man." Mike took my cock in both hands told me to put some lube on the tip and began a slow steady rhythm, piston like, from base to head. Tight and hard, slow but steady. He began working me up, not putting on any of the breaks that he had been applying and let my orgasm surge through my body and express itself as a loud groan and a gush of cum that splattered all over Mikes naked thighs, cock and abs. " Whoa boy - steady" He held me up and let my orgasm reverberate. Drenched in sweat I collapsed against him. "Yeah boy - you've got some real potential ." I leaned against him and inhaled his odor, felt his hard hairy body against mine, longed for him to put his mouth against mine and his hand to my head. As my head began to clear I had an odd realization. Being so close and inhaling his odor my attention shifted from my penis to his cock -his still steadily erect penis. While I was the focus of his undivided attention he had not once touched that organ yet it had been standing erect throughout my whole ordeal. It was now oozing cum. Did my orgasm move him to come as well - vain thought of a self centered boy. Or had he willed himself to orgasm at the same time that he had allowed me to have one? Mike was not sweating nor trembling, his hands had been on me the entire time and no one had come over to us to make it a three way.. I realized that his treatment of me while pretty arrogant was also some kind of test that I knew I had passed and that Mike would let me step up to him for his pleasure and my instruction from now on. We met more and more at Jacks and his hold on me got stronger, deeper and more intense. Soon I was going to Jacks only to meet Mike. Dudes I jacked with before said "Hey" and gave me a stroke but I never let it go where it used ta.I might come in with Mark or Steve but .I was holding out for Mike and if he didn't show I was there to the end and went home and jacked just to fantasize about the last time he WAS there. To stand naked and erect in front of Mike my cock in his hands and taking his orders and punishment became the focus of my life. Oh Yeah I went to work, the gym, played sports with my friends but my MIND my real MIND was with Mike and under Mikes control. I stood in front of my mirror and practiced my stance, worked out extra to get that hardness he demanded, stopped using deodorant 'cause a whiff of my underarms made me re-experience Mikes smell. My cock became erect when his image or name flew through my brain wherever I was and more and more I masturbated with the fantasy that it was his hand that was working my penis, his directions and at the end his decision to let my cum. When I came now I muttered "yes sir" or worse "thank you sir!". Each time with Mike he molded me and manipulated me in new ways and gave me the orgasm I craved only from that hand. His hands cupping my pecs or my balls or my butt cheek made my skin tremble and sweat and yearn. His jabs to my chest and ball tugs were like the touch of a lover - but this was not love making . No - I never reciprocated - I never initiated. I could request, ask or beg - try to make Mike do any little thing 'cause I wanted him to and it never happened. III A day came where Mike was working me, using me and a dude I'd never seen stepped up to us. "Hey Mike" "Daniel" "I see you have a new boy" "Maybe" Mike took his hand off my penis and shook with Daniel who looked to be in his 30's - a fit Dad type a little gray at the temples. kinda corporate maybe a politician. He swiveled his body toward him and I was as forgotten as if I'd been left at the curb .I stood there like a useless appendage, like his dog on a leash who had just been played with and was now confused and abandoned. I humped my dick against Mikes leg for a sec and got a cuff to the side of my head. I turned and left muttering "fuck you" fuck you man!" My eyes misted over like some little bitch.. I got myself a bottle and stood by the back one foot against the wall and my penis limp in its place. Two jackers came up either side of me and tried to get the game going but my dick stayed soft and I walked away nursing my bottle." "fuck him" fuck him" I muttered over and over. I could see Mike and this Daniel dude talking from the other side of the room. Occasionally Daniel would reach over and give Mike's cock a stroke or graze his nipple like some men touch a shoulder or arm when talking with a good buddy. Something I was never allowed to do. Mike too would give Daniels nipple a tug or graze his flank but never touched Daniels limp penis ( which I marveled at - how could he be near Mike touch him, touch that cock and not become stiff immediately?) . Mike on the other hand stayed just as he was when I walked away - hard - completely stiff and fully tumescent. How I wanted it right now - how I wanted to curse him and touch that cock like Daniel. kill him and suck the cum out of him - and feel him touching me stroking me twisting my nipples and torturing my penis. Putting the rough flat of his hand to the head, taking his fist up and down the shaft, forcing my tight balls downward and twisting my nipples. That fuck Daniel. Who the fuck was he anyway? Daniel walked away after a while and Mike backed up off the bar stool to get to the piss trough. He passed me and said real sternly "Fuckin' little boy upset 'cause he's not getting his piece stroked? My brain, my mind everything was thrown into confusion even convulsion - "fuck you bastard" collided with "Yes Sir" tears with a fantasy of thrown punches. I walked with Mike to the piss trough and stood next to him limp and dejected and followed him back to his stool and stood back where I had walked off.. Every word I had rehearsed in my head disappeared as I stood between his thick hairy thighs inhaled the odor of his stiff cock and his arm pits and my own penis rose back up to erection. Mike spoke very little normally and now I just stood there as he glared at me - he cuffed me hard upside my head and took a sharp punch to my gut. "Get this straight boy - when you're with me - if you mean to stay with me - you're my boy and you go or come when I tell you to. You got that?". I struggled and quivered, sniveled with my eyes misted and my nose getting snotty. A big part of me wanted to walk away right then - leave the room pick up my clothes and get the fuck out of this fucked up situation. The other part heard only "you're my boy" "You're my boy" "You're my boy".. Inhaling his odor and stifling a snivel I gnashed out between my teeth " Yes sir" "Mike Sir" "thank you sir" Mike said nothing and proceeded to masturbate my penis - his hand was hard and angry , his eyes on me hard.. I could see him calculating computing - my desire to actually cum totally confused and fucked up with anger and rejection, fear and rage. A length of time passed and then he stopped. "That's enough boy" " I turned to leave as he told me but he grabbed my cock hard forcing me to turn. "What the fuck dude?" and I tried to push his grip off. "Maybe this aint gonna work - maybe your not cut out for any of this - are you boy? " "I don't know" I stopped " I don't know sir" "Maybe sir"" I want to be with you sir" but Please sir - sir" "Please what boy?" "What do you want boy? "You know what this is Boy? Do You? Do You know what this is? At that moment I knew what it was - being Mike's boy wasn't about being masturbated by Mike -having other men watch as Mike manipulated me, chose me and my penis over the others and having Mike give me the most mind-blowing intense ejaculations and orgasms I had ever experienced. Mike let me sort of think I had a choice , that I was allowing him to use me, that I was giving my penis and body over to him for MY pleasure. That was just his way of sucking me in - making me dependent and yearning, incapable of wanting any other touch but his - even my own. No it was about being under Mike's total control - vaguely I saw it -my personality completely stripped away and one that Mike wanted put in its place. . I sweated and my breath was hard ,but other words entered my head - those that told me I... I... I... was Mikes boy. "You're Mikes boy" You're Mikes boy" Dimly another one sneaked in that I ignored "You're Mikes boy, Mike owns you" "He owns you" "Yes Sir I know what this is" He looked at me hard his fist still grabbing my penis. He slowly exerted pressure on it and my testes. The pain was strong strong and I gasped. "Do you boy?" Like a man entering into hand to hand , a wrestler stepping into a ring I knew that being with Mike would be combat, that he would always win and that I wanted him to , would be complicit in his winning, plotting my own loss.. .And that his winning would give me a self-definition that I sought in his presence. I would be MIKE'S BOY. MIKE'S BOY. IV That was the last of meeting Mike at Jacks. The last of feeling that I was somehow the attraction and Mike giving me what I wanted. Mike was arrogant but it was my own self centered regard - my own pathetic version of arrogance that actually made him want to get at me - and want to break down, structure and replace all of that in me. Mike's "that's enough" was for him not me.. He handed me his ticket and told me to get his stuff. When I returned loaded down with his and my gear he flared up again. " So you're just stupid is that what it is?" I stood and said nothing. Jab- "What did I tell you boy.?" "To get you're stuff sir." "Did I tell you to get yours?" "No Sir." He took my things and dropped them on the floor, kicked them behind some tables. "Dennis" he called to the dude who checked the clothes. " You got some pants-maybe a shirt back there? "Nah" He stopped for a sec. "I got a pair of old gym shorts here that somebody left last week" "Give them to this boy - he doesn't have any clothes" and I need to take him out of here." "But my hoodie and sweats are right there..." a cuff to the head stopped that attempt at reason. " You do want it rough don't you boy? " No Sir but..." cuff to the head two "Put this on and stand outside 'til I come out." "Yes Sir." Now it was the middle of October and while the days were pretty warm it was fucking cold out at this point in the evening - and this gym rat is standing on a corner in just some old shorts - no shirt and a new hoodie sitting on the floor back in the club shivering and rubbing his hands with an erection tenting up these skuzzy shorts. For the whole fucking time I had been erect - while Mike struck me and talked down to me and set me practically naked onto the corner my cock was doing a fucking erection dance . So I'm standing shivering in the cold - waiting for Mike - and take a walk over to the corner and look down - the subway was just on 8th. My wallet was gone, no money no ID. Maybe I could slip into the subway and get home .....no fuckin' keys either. I was where Mike wanted me - practically naked totally dependent and alone. I shivered and stamped my feet and waited for him to come out. I almost walked back into the club but figured he'd just pound my chest for me or worse. I knew what this was - total devotion, total enthrallment, total dependence, total desperation and total fear. A good half hour later Mike walked out leather jacket and boots jeans 'n' cap on his head. I'd never seen him in clothes and fuck--he was still looking hot. and me in some hole-y cut offs looking like a homeless rat. He grabbed me by the back of my neck with one hand and with his other my crotch. "Keep that piece up boy when you see me - I like it standing up so I know I'm on your mind." With my flat stomach and loose shorts my piece all tented up looked obscene out on the street - a couple of faggots walked by and stared -their tongues almost out their mouth. I was proud and ashamed at the same time. "Good Boy" and he tweaked my left nip. "My place is about three blocks from here by the water" "Yes Sir" We set off and reached what looked to be an abandoned factory or storage place. When we got to the door Mike looked at me and said" drop the shorts". " We're on the street sir." Bap!! He cuffed my head. "Drop the shorts and leave em at the door." They were real loose like and were dropped in a second. So now I stood there basically on the streeet naked and erect while he got out his keys and opened the door. What the fuck.. no dough, no keys, no clothes I was- I thought- truly at rock bottom. I was shaking and the pit of my stomach was churning - but my hard on said it all. We walked a long hallway - me behind Mike naked and hard my dick swinging. We approached an elevator which opened as we got near. Inside was an operator -"Fuck" I blushed and went to put my hand over my cock . The operator was a young guy - Puerto Rican - real buff, good looking too and dressed in green work chinos and shirt . " Good evening sir" "Good evening Jimmy - everything in shape?" " Yes sir" Good - thats what I like" Jimmy was standing by the controls and I noticed that his front was tented out by his erect penis. Mike gave it a grab. "Good Boy" "Thank you Sir" Jimmy did not look at Sir, and I didn't exist - there were no introductions and nothing said about me.The cab opened right into Mikes space. The big loft had huge windows looking over and into other buildings - and I could see people moving about and working . So I guess they could see us too. "Good night sir" and we were alone again. "Liquors over there - pour me a scotch on the rocks" and one for you. I was about to say I drank beer but knew that scotch would be a part of my life now. Mike settled into a leather club chair. The room was pretty stark - there were a few chairs and a sofa. a table by his chair. To the back of the space by the windows was a leather thing that looked like a pommel horse a huge leather ottoman and not much else. I brought the drinks and set them on the table. Mike picked his up and told me to take a drink. It burned and rasped my throat. Mike snickered. "Stand in front of me - let's see what we've got here." I stood in front of Mike and figured at ease with my hands behind my back would do. "Good Boy" and my penis which had gotten soft while I was getting drinks and all went back up to stiff. "Palms on the back of your head"" Yes Sir" "Legs apart" Yes Sir" "Stand Straight" .Mike picked up a cane and moved my legs apart - used it to tell my feet how to face and my arms where to be. " "This cane can be a friend or a fiend - do you catch my drift Troy" Swack to my calf - I let out a yelp- "Yes sir" another swack to the calf " yes sir - thank you sir" a single tear welled up at my eye.. Mike ran the cane over my body - up my thigh and over the bump of my ass cheek, into my back curve ,across my chest and over a nipple.. A light wack to my abs and I huffed in. then down and over my erect penis. This can do some serious damage to a boys balls or shaft you know Troy. "Yes Sir" "Or his Butt" and he gave it a sting "or his Calves or pretty much anywhere it lands. Would you like that Troy" " No Sir" " But you will Troy" " Up till now Troy it has been pretty much one sided. I gave you my attention and training and you enjoyed the appreciation of the crowd, the feeling that you were attractive to me and some very good ejaculations.. Isn't that true Troy? " Yes Sir" Swack to the calf" Yes Sir. Thank You sir! " It felt pretty nice having a hand stroke your boy penis and fondle your balls and cause you to spurt semen like a real man didn't it Troy" Without having to think about someone else.". Yes sir" Swack "Your not entirely bright are you Troy?" I mumbled " No Sir - I'm not stupid" Speak up Troy! "Thank You Sir" came out as if by divine inspiration. Mike smiled. "Good Boy" - and swacked my calf as reinforcement."Did it cross your mind - what I was getting out of this? The privilege of being with an attractive young man,? The pleasure of causing another to cum ? You must have thought you were quite special. " No sir" I felt very proud to be with you and very glad that you made me cum Sir" " "That may be a start." "Now help me out of these clothes - we have work to do. "Mike stood up before me. I moved forward and began to unbutton his shirt. He took my hand and directed it to his belt. "The belt first then the shirt" You will remember that? " Yes Sir" I took the belt out of the loops, rolled it up and placed it on the table. " Very good Troy.. The shirt. Hang it over there" The chest that so impressed me when I first saw him at Jacks was once again visible and my penis began to get that real real hard erection it had only in Mike's presence now. " Now the Boots.. Kneel" My thighs splayed he placed his booted foot in my crotch - my erection against the sole - he put a little pressure down on. and then a little more. I winced. " Do you like that? " Not very much sir" " Ah you prefer it harder" He held down harder and then lightened up. " Open the laces and get these boots off me" "Yes Sir. Thank You Sir" I placed them side by side. I had never been so close to Mikes feet. They were tanned and muscular with hair down to the ankles and toes. I wanted to lick them to kiss them to put my tongue between his toes.Most of all I wanted to move my penis over them and hump them like a dog in love with his master. My dick jumped and a drool of pre-cum oozed from it. "You are getting excited Troy? " Y-Yes Sir I stammered" "Stand and look at me" "Control. Troy. Control. That is what you will learn with me . To be controlled and to control yourself. Do you understand that?. Is that something you want. "Whatever you want sir". "Very Good Troy but is that what you want?" . "I want to be with you Sir. To be your boy . Whatever Sir Whatever it takes ." Mike directed my hands to his briefs and I pushed them down - his cock slapped against his abs as the elastic band cleared over it. He stepped out of them and then brought me to him. " I am in your mind Troy " I opened my mouth -he put his hand to it." "You love my Troy Don't you" I could say nothing " That is very unwise - it will bring you great pain - more than the suffering of your training" I stood and looked at Mike and tears began to well from me - soft sobs - Mike hugged me and we stood arms around each other, my stream dampening the hair of his chest and face..."Troy - you are confusing - you are a sort of a man. That will cause you to resist and force me to inflict great pain. You are enough of a boy to want to be controlled to want to make me proud of you to seek my approval. You will inflict great pain upon yourself. I continued to sob. Then I stopped and looked straight at Mike and said "I love you Sir" "That will cause us both great pain" Mike observed as though to himself. V Jacks always had rules and even Mike kept them - like no oral and no anal play - and while he once or twice reached around to finger my hole it was more a test than an attempt. Some guys were always eager to have a finger in their hole at Jacks and the monitors were alert to the start of anal play and cut it short. Those were the men who were at Jacks but really wanted to be fucked not masturbated - you could always tell. Like I said Mike went for my hole and I kept him out - not 'cause I didn't especially want him fucking me but 'cause I didn't want him thinking I was some faggot fuckboy whose hole was itchy to be entered and made unto a man's cunt. Now we were out of Jacks and in a whole 'nother world - Mike's. As I stood there confessing to Mike tear stained and naked his mouth to mine I knew that Mike's way of using me would be hard learned and go against most of what I had seen as my rights and self respect as a man. Reciprocation would never be a question when it came to Mike. That cock I found so awesome standing erect between Mike's legs open while sitting on the bar stool would find its greatest pleasure inside me and would rule my life. It would also be the source of some of my greatest pain and a constant test of who I was. We had never kissed at Jacks - Mikes kiss was to take my breath and replace it with his, Mikes kiss was to swallow me within him, Mikes kiss was an invasion and violation in slow motion and terrible depth. Above all Mikes kiss was a way of breaking me down and making me his boy. He held my face in his huge hands and steadied my head to make it receive his hard tongue and spit. As Mike became aroused by his kiss his cock pressed hard against me - a hand to the small of my back pressed me to him and a finger began to open me. This I allowed reluctantly. "Your no fuckboy Troy - we know that - but my cock will be inside of you and you will learn that" "It will be inside your mouth more often than my tongue and inside your hole more than that" My control which you already feel and know and will depend on is physical and the entrance of my body into yours will be the daily proof of that.. Mike then picked me up and placed me chest and stomach down on what I thought was a pommel horse. There was a place for my feet and handles for me to hold and a hole that would accommodate my penis and testes - and a piece to go in my mouth to bite down on. The leather was cold against my chest and abs and Mike placed my penis not in the hole but pushed away from my body with my testes exposed right below my hole. Most important my rear was elevated and my hole open to view and touch. Seen from behind it was an obscene position for a boy - my hole on display like it was in fact a cunt. He spoke as he caressed my butt cheeks" Troy - you will learn how I fuck and why I fuck - today will be just to begin training your hole to fit. I do not like whining, resistance or tears and they will be punished. Remember I am not fucking you to pleasure your hole, and not to hurt it either although it will. Being entered by me is what you need and entering you is my prerogative and pleasure. My way of branding you and claiming you .I will hurt you today but not harm you." Mike began to stroke my penis roughly and quickly brought me to ejaculation -no edging none of the masturbation I associated with being handled by Mike and without real orgasm. He lifted my waist and placed my penis and testes in the hole designed for them "Good Boy Troy" and began to apply my cum to the hole with his large fingers. " When I wish you will supply the lube for your own fucking. Remember that -and I will bring it out of you - at no time will you masturbate your boypenis from now on." "That will be punished and I will know when you have done it even if you are out of my sight. Do you understand?" "Do You understand that Troy? "In this position and having just been ejaculated I replied without really understanding what it meant. I would. Mike's touch to my hole made me gasp. "Open Troy" ' Yes Sir" smack! "Open" and I began to push and open my hole for his fingers and my own cum. "Open" smack "Thank You Sir" It will fit but you must cooperate boy" Mike rested his huge piece in the hairy crack of my butt and smacked it a few times against the hole My cum and Mike's own lube eased the entry and as he pressed his head against my hole it started to open.. The pain was intense I felt I was being ripped apart and the breath stolen from my lungs. I gasped again. "Open" Smack" "Thank You Sir" and it pressed in another half inch. My penis which had turned flaccid and shrank from the shock now began to lengthen and harden and some precum dribbled from the nozzle. Mike's was the largest cock I had ever had to take - the pain was overwhelming and I gasped again. I assumed my penis would become flaccid now but it grew even harder. Smack. "Bite down on the piece. That whining will be punished later Troy - remember that." I bit hard on the leather piece it tasted of the saliva of other boys who had been in my place.. I grabbed hold of the handles and pushed out - his organ pressed into and into me. 'Breath Troy " and it pressed in more - I did not think there was that much cock in the world - and finally I felt his wiry pubes against my sore cheeks. He stopped for a moment to allow me to feel the thickness and fullness with which I was occupied. Mike and I were now joined and Mike being in me made me an extension of him - Troy drifted away as I became an organ he used the way I had used my own penis in the old life He began to withdraw and I knew the real fucking would begin. Mike battered my hole , pulled out to the head and rammed it in over and over - the tears welled from my eyes and I knew Mike was taking notice of my every reaction, resistance and acquiescence. I could feel the separation of his mind which governed, kept track and instilled control and his cock which was primitive and punitive and demanded surrender. Finally, drenched in sweat Mike leaned his chest against my back and said into my ear that he would breed me, unload his semen into my chute and that I was to hold it after he withdrew. Mike fucked into me harder even than before and I bit down in the horse. I could feel his sperm fill the condom . but he continued to buck into me. Then as the bucking slowed there was a moment of calm and quiet as Mike, still in me, allowed his cock to lose some of its erection and begin to withdraw. I was drenched in sweat and trembling. Mike pried my fingers off the handles and removed my legs from the support. "Stand up boy" I slowly removed myself from the horse and stood before him my penis erect sweat beading on to the floor., Mike looked me over and fingered my penis and scrotum " This is a problem" Mike stated as he observed my erect organ and applied pressure to it.. He reached to get a much smaller rod than the one he had introduced to me before - It was flat like a ruler but made of some silvery metal - and struck the head of my penis. I jumped and cursed and covered it with my hand. "Fuck Mike What the Fuck " He grabbed my neck and held me in place administering another hard sharp wack "An erect penis while my cock is in your hole means you have not been focused on your hole and my cock. While being fucked you wandered off into some fuckboy state of mind thinking how good my cock is making your hole feel hasn't it boy ? My cock making your cunt feel good? Did it cum? " No sir No sir it hurt real bad sir " 'And he swacked my penis yet again. "An erect penis while being fucked tells me that your mind is not focused on your hole and my cock in it . Is that clear?" "Where must your mind be from now on when I fuck you Troy.?" " On You Sir, on your cock...and on using my hole Sir for you Sir" "Good boy" and he struck my penis again. It quickly became flaccid and hung limply between my legs. "Why is your penis soft now Troy?" " Because of what you did sir - hitting it and all" He gently grabbed my scrotum and penis and held them together in his large hand and regarded them for a second. For a second it began to feel lovely - and then he brought the little ruler down on it again. I thought I would pass out and he steadied me. "Why is your penis soft now Troy?" Because that is the way it is supposed to be now. Sir. .The way you want it now Sir". I would slowly learn that my penis was but a reflection of what Mike was doing to me and how I related to him. Standing before Mike, while being inspected or trained ,even while working out with him or walking on the street his presence in my mind was expected to bring that organ to erection. At all times my focus on Mike and his requirements was registered by the state of my penis. When Mike was actually in me it was expected, and would be learned, that my penis no longer existed except to produce the lube needed to ease his penetration and must remain soft while he was inside, My focus was expected to shift to my hole and its ability to meet the needs of his cock as he fucked me. At no time was the boypenis, as he called it to my humiliation, to provide MY pleasure or show any reaction other than the one expected by Mike. When Mike decided to edge and masturbate me as he did almost daily it was about endurance , cum control and imposition of his will over my penis. Accidental ejaculation, even after prolonged and excruciating edging was met with hard spanking and humiliating berating for my immaturity and disrespectful inability to control myself. Even though Mike had just fucked me and unloaded like a bull, his cock was still erect. "Lets see if you can learn anything" He picked me up again and deposited my roughly back on the horse.. He stroked my limp penis back up to erection and forced another load of Jizz lube out of it . I unloaded a smaller amount than before." That's all you've got stud boy? he asked sarcastically. 'You're gonna learn real quick from this fuck ".Despite the load of cum he had shot in me the small amount of my own cum Mike worked into my hole was not enough to ease his cock into my chute like before - it was kind of dry and felt way rougher than before This time it was not about anyone's pleasure just what Mike considered a needed lesson. But as his cock forced its way into me the image of my chute and hole as a closed fist that could masturbate his cock came to my mind - the cock that I had so wanted to stroke back at Jacks was inside me now and I thought how I could milk a load of cum out of it. Straining to open my hole while he ploughed in made sense, holding it tight while he pulled back made sense too. The tough part was not thinking about Mikes smell, his weight on me or the hardness of his body, his breath in my ear or his teeth on my neck - all of those things gave me an erection. Better to just think about his cock, my chute and how to use it to give Mike the fuck he deserved. It would be a slow lesson hard learned. Pretty soon I began a rhythm that countered his - pushing in I opened , pulling out I closed. - pretty basic and not too tough - but that had to be the only thing on my mind. Mike was unpredictable - sometimes he just humped his cock between my crack, As he realized I got the way this would work he left it in me for my chute to masturbate. his cock. Most of the time it was just straight up animal fucking. What Mike was doing was ploughing, breaking in my hole in and ramming that piece where he wanted it. Remembering the rhythm in the pain was practically impossible. Mike's control of his cock was incredible and he kept the rape of my hole up for longer than I had ever fucked or been fucked. Periodically Mike checked the state of my penis - felt its now soft weight and struck my balls with his thumb and fore finger if he detected the slightest tumescence. After a long while Mikes voice began to go deeper and his thrusts harder so I knew he was about to shoot up in me again - I contracted my chute and made it extra tight. This seemed to get him wild - bucking into me balls deep and sucking the breath out of my mouth until finally he shot . Bellowing and bucking he was like an animal on fire -it was like he had blacked out and some other creature possessed him now. After he deposited his load Mike staggered up to his feet and stood over me . "Pretty good - I think you can learn something. Be back here next week - your out of Jacks now and don't even think about touching that boypenis" He turned ,picked up his scotch and went into another room. VI "What the fuck" - fucked, dismissed, naked, no money, no keys "WHAT THE FUCK?" The elevator door opened as Mike left the room and Jimmy stood at his place pants tented like when I came up. I stood there uncertain - "You better get in dude!" I stepped in and the door closed. We descended. Before I could say anything Jimmy whistled"Tore your ass up - you're not sittin' for a week and you will be showing black and blue for a minute - shit! Mike must be hot for you or you must be really really stupid! Still you still got your pubes so you can't be but so stupid ". "Fuck man what do I do now - all my shit is at the club - I don't even know if those fucked up shorts he put me in are still around. Jimmy laughed - "you think you're the first boy to come in here butt assed naked from the street? Mikes a mean mother fucker but he's not crazy." "See that box over there" . He pointed to a box I hadn't noticed when I came in "That's where your shit goes when you get here. Dennis brought it over like he does" "I could see why Mike picked you up though - you are one hot boy and don't look like no one's faggot." I opened the box and sure enough all my stuff and my money were in there. My mood lifted but I was still pretty shaken - not from just this but the events of the whole night. I stood there naked talking to Jimmy who seemed real familiar with Mike and his ways and what and who came in here on an almost daily basis." You must be real new to this!" "I guess so - all I know is this is the first time anything like this has ever happened to me.. What's so fucked up is even right now talking about it and thinking about Mike my cock is catching wood. .He told me to come back next week" "And ......? "" I don't know - some of this shit is kinda fucked up. He sort of chuckled - "O yeah !" "Like what? " "Like he OWNS me ! Shit ! Like I gotta thank him when he slugs me" Like I cant jack or go to the club from now on." " He told you to say thank you sir after he he fucked with you right?" "Uh. NO I guess I did that the first time he slugged me - don't know why - it just popped out - he is kind of a "Sir" type guy." " Kinda ??" and he laughed "but after that I had to say "thank you" when ever he popped me or belted me or twisted my balls or beat my cock or he did those things again 'cause I didn't" "So you started it." I gave Jimmy a pissed look - "I started it?" "Like how?". "Like the first time you thanked him he knew you were ready for this - for everything that happened to you tonight" "That you have a natural BOY attitude" ' That you can naturally become a man's boy" " You can tell all that?" " You know all that from just meeting me right now?" " Yeah 'cause that's how it happened with me - almost exactly." VII Ten years ago Jimmy turned 18 and became a busboy at Kean's. Mikes favorite restaurant. Three times a week. Mike came in and Jimmy bussed his table. Make no mistake Jimmy was a hot looking boy even then -lean and wiry, caramel skin, nice bulge in his pants and a hot walk that was put to show on the floor of this restaurant. Mike fucked with his head - made demands - gave great tips - showed interest and asked questions then ignored him .Jimmy recognized and respected him as a "steady" one of those customers who were important to a restaurant and were given exceptional service. One night he told him to be at the door when the place closed. at 2 AM. No explanation was given and Jimmy said" Yes Sir" Twenty minutes after 2 AM Mike comes by and picks Jimmy up - they walk and Mike takes him into a basement club buys him a scotch and begins to get into his head even further Asked him about his past , his aspirations, his attitude to life, his sexual history. Now, Jimmy was not what you would call a "talker" and when he did talk mainly with his friends at the boxing place bragged about the girls they fucked, the money they made or the faggots they beat up. Of course he had never fucked with a guy before. Anyone who even suggested that would be fucked up before all the words came out of his mouth. Working for him - or against - you decide - was the fact that he respected older men and had a naturally deferential attitude like he was raised and trained by a real father - not like the jerk that split when I was coming up. It turned out Jimmy really missed his Dad who had passed on a few years ago and Mike was ready to take his place - well sort of - and in a way different way: Shit that Jimmy's real Dad would never have thought of and would have fought Mike to the death to prevent would become a regular part of Jimmy's life. But still that's how Jimmy went and deep down how it made him feel calm and real and put some things into focus that he had before this put out of his mind with contempt. Nothing much happened that night - Mike talked, got information out of Jimmy, assessed him and his potential and at dawn Mike put him in a cab and told him he would see him at dinner later that day. Mike was in Jimmy's mind. The experience made Jimmy feel like he was important to someone other than his abuela. . Service began at 5 but all Jimmy could wait for was 8:30 when Mike would show up. And he did - with a young man in tow . Jimmy was beat - defeated - jealous - angry. and confused that he felt any of those things. This was just a steady customer - probably some kind of macho acting faggot white man who wanted to suck Jimmy's cock or get in his pants. That's what he said to himself in anger - but in reality Mike that day had become his idol his Dad maybe even his future. In this state of mind his service was erratic and forgetful and Mike had to ask for water and bread twice. When he got up there was no tip and Mike said to him "be outside when you get off". " I'll be busy sir" " Be outside when you get off". 2:19 found Jimmy still standing in front of the restaurant . every three minutes he had made up his mind to go two minutes later then gave himself another three. At 4:20 Mike picked him up . No allusion was made to his "busyness and no apology from Mike for lateness." But Mike did talk to him about his failed service. ."Got yor panties in a wad because I had a guest" 'No Sir" Mike stopped and planted himself in front of Jimmy - "that was not a question" You acted like a jealous bitch 'cause I had a boy with me" No Sir!" Jimmy insisted and turned to leave. Sometimes thinking about it all later he wished he had just stayed that course and left Mike out of his life completely. Mike walked on and did not look back - Jimmy did and unable to control himself ran back after Mike. .Mike ignored him and continued to walk. "Please sir Please." "You're right sir I was jealous - I was being like a little bitch." Mike stopped and grabbed Jimmy's crotch on the street. He let out a yelp but Mike did not stop. He pressed and squeezed. With any other man Jimmy would have belted him and put this old blanco on the pavement. Instead Jimmy's penis grew hard and Mike did not let up the pressure. Tears streamed down Jimmy's face - he held his tongue and took Mikes punishment. "A man Huh?" Jimmy said nothing. Mike squeezed harder. "A man huh?" "Yes Sir" He squeezed more and then relented. "Thank you sir" came out of Jimmy's mouth as it had mine .'Good boy." He let go and Jimmy -breathing hard- doubled over to steady himself. Mike held him up stood behind him and wrapped an arm around him. Jimmy." He muttered into his ear "You think taking pain tells you you're a man don't you?" Jimmy said nothing. But again he didn't haul off and belt him , he didn't even walk away. Like me something about Mike held him in place. A leash, a chain a worship. Jimmy had never allowed a man to touch him the way Mike had and had never fully thought about having sex with a man either - and even if he did, it would have been with him -Jimmy - on top driving his thick piece into the faggots hole. He knew plenty of dudes had been to prison bragged about fucking the queers and faggots and lost no standing for manhood. Standing before Mike his world crumbled - everything he knew or thought he knew was washed away - his tears burned away the old Jimmy and revealed a new boy created by Mike for his own use. A boy who would learn to be fucked, a boy who would learn to suck cock a boy who would learn to be masturbated to provide lube for his own fucking and rarely allowed the release of a full orgasm .Jimmy understood and accepted this as he understood and accepted the power before this of his father and the other older men who directed and punished him when he was growing up. Like me Jimmy had a pretty active sex life - used ta- but unlike me he fucked girls and women and was known as a real man where he grew up. Now Jimmy started a life on the DL - lying about his work schedule to his on again off again girlfriend. Making up excuses for why his chest and pubes were shaved AND making up fake explanations about his black and blue marks to the dudes at the club where he boxed. These were his first tastes of humiliation - his manhood doubted and his strength called into question. Black and blue meant only one thing to his friends - that he was getting fucked up and that his skills sucked -that he was a faggot - and they said this with not one of them guessing that Jimmy regularly spent his evenings on his knees with a cock in his mouth or up his hole taking punishment from a man not his father and in ways no man in his world would ever have accepted Thinking about Mike while he tried to fuck his girl brought up his training and his erection disappeared. Pretty soon Jimmy found the double life too difficult and after a scene with her broke up. He just stopped going to his club. His Mom he told he was moving downtown to the meat packing district 'cause he had a better gig in a new restaurant. She got used to seeing him less and less and didn't even know where "the meatpacking" was anyway. She knew Jimmy had changed but he was quiet and didn't get into so much trouble so whatever it was it was good and maybe he was just growing up. For Jimmy this new life was a necessity yet a burden - not just the DL shit about it - but the homophobia he carried around inside himself and the way he couldn't look at himself in the mirror anymore. Thisdespite the fact that he was filling out and looking better than he ever had. Mike was hard but it worked - Jimmy looked like a Young Marine - only his training was way more rigorous and complete than any provided by Uncle Sam. .He carried himself differently - while looking strong he no longer looked another man in the eye. Saying little was his way before - now it was the result of total self- abasement .Sometimes he attacked the punching bag and pummeled it over and over until he was almost exhausted constantly muttering under his breath "faggot.". Jimmy was split in two - he understood Mike as his master - accepted it and was in a weird way proud of it - to have a man like that select him and lavish him with his attention and even in a way love. When he thought about Mike his penis became engorged and that engorgement brought praise and attention while standing before his master. At the same time his training and instinct found what he did profoundly deeply fucked up and wrong - even when, especially when ,he craved it most. He saw himself as a man addicted - but there was no 12 step or AA or even Priest - although he had never knelt before one of them either - to relieve him of his burden or guide him out of it. He couldn't stand up and say "My Name is Jimmy and I have given control of my Penis to another man", "My name is Jimmy and when fucked my manhood becomes soft and small as I focus on using my hole to provide my master with pleasure and release". "My name is Jimmy and I am unable to handle my own penis - even when it comes to urination -and must ask my master for permission to use it even for that.". As defeating as the training, was his knowledge that Mike had had other boys - boys that he trained and addicted, broke down and humbled. That he was not so special, that he was not unique and that he could be dropped and discarded at any moment if he failed to measure sometimes overwhelmed him And Yet.... Unique to Jimmy was what Mike saw as the potential to become a real man. Someone that he might someday think of as an equal . Mike came to see that unlike most subs while he could be broken down that was just a clearing of the land for a new and more magnificent structure to built upon it. Put down on his knees, taught to relinquish control, Jimmy gave up his "manhood" and still never had it destroyed. Jimmy's manhood was on loan to Mike as he came to see it , for him to use, stretch and abuse speculate with and perhaps even lose but the loan would be repaid and at a rate of interest uncommon in Mike's economy. Jimmy suffered it all - ritualized whipping and caning, the humiliation of serving naked while Mike and his guests remained clothed , the shame of being brought to tears before these same men, handled and used by Mike as a boi before them.. Through celibacy and the cock cage, forced milking, ball stretching and penis whipping. Jimmy's bodily and mental control grew exponentially over the next years. Despite his early ambivalence there was a small secure place that Jimmy never left regardless of what Mike imposed upon him and what he submitted to. While he might flinch from looking himself in the mirror Jimmy recognized and came to take great pride in the almost perfect control of his reactions, his body, his penis and his hole he was able to summon.. Jimmy was Mike's masterpiece.: Not only did he develop a magnificent physique, penis control that rivaled Mikes ,but an ability to use his hole that almost ...almost .... succeeded in placing Mike under his sway. And which, when recognized as such by Mike, warranted a caning that truly almost broke Jimmy's spirit.. New boys slowed to a trickle. - mostly bois he took in for masters on vacation or looking for a way to scare their boy back into submission after some rebellion or defection. Jimmy became the focus of all Mikes attention and what could be construed as love. Mike felt that with Jimmy they achieved an almost perfect union of master and submissive ... no ... Master and a bodily extension that yet had its own personality, a being that Mike could respect while still controlling and punishing. He began to resent the fact that Jimmy had a life away from him and outside of his purview. Mike was never jealous, he was far too self possessed - and he had an unerring sense of when a boy under his training had used his penis, masturbated or tricked out with another man or boy. Yet Mike - almost a surprise to Mike himself - wanted to be always with Jimmy, to look upon him , to be in him, to see how he would react to new demands, to smell him , taste his sweat, hold his penis while he urinated at all times. To look upon his beautiful organ flaccid and ignored while he fucked him and see it strain at attention when he did each morning inspection. To run his hand over his rear after he caned it, to rub lotion into the spreading red mark after he spanked it. To spend the hours anticipating the feel of his tongue in Jimmy's mouth or in his hole - even though he made sure that for Jimmy it carried the humiliation of having his "cunt lapped" before it was fucked. These new needs were all things that Mike saw threatening HIS domination because he wanted them so badly. Before every other boy he was master, teacher, punisher and father and now Mike was falling in love and it angered and annoyed him, and made his treatment of Jimmy more severe than with any boys he had trained. Over the course of these first few years Mike realized that Jimmy was not some stupid ghetto kid just badly educated, and had real potential beyond busing or rising to that point where he would be allowed to wait tables. He placed pressure on Jimmy to get an education and do something more with his life even if it meant not having his boy bring his steak and wine three nights a week. And so Jimmy became manager of Mike's property and a real part of his life outside the room where Mike was master. What he was doing operating an elevator that night would become clear to me only later and become almost as important in the course of my life as my first "Yes Sir" to Mike at Jacks. VIII When I dragged my very well beat ass into the apartment it was damn near 7 AM - I stripped down and collapsed on the sofa. It was a blackout more than sleep . At around three in the afternoon my room mate Mark stepped in and shook me awake. "Fuck dude ! You OK?? You a'right"? There was real fear in his voice. " Did you get bashed" ? What the fuck why didn't you call me - dude?? I was still pretty groggy and couldn't figure what the fuck Mark was talking about and why he was so upset. I'm OK I'm aK what the fuck??? " Look at you dude - you're black and blue , your ass is all tore up, you look like shit man. Did you get in a fight? Did you get jumped?? I looked down at my chest and abs - there was black and blue all over it and my nipples were inflamed, my butt was bright red with a few black and blue marks as well. There were a couple of welts on the back of my thigh and even my face was kind of roughed up.. I got up and fuck !! if it didnt hurt every move I made.. Mark followed me - "Dude what happened ? I thought you were just going to Jacks??" I was still pretty groggy and wasn't responding much just checking myself out in the mirror. Mark was right - I did look like shit. I played it off telling him I got a little drunk and fell down dodging a car at the crosswalk. " That's bullshit dude" "Your ass got red like that dodging a car?" "I dunno - Yeah " I looked at my butt in the mirror - it was bright red in a way that only a severe spanking can deliver. "Troy thats a load of shit - some guy you picked up beat you? right? I said nothing. "You got beat by a trick right" " No, No It's not like that" So what's it like when you come home from fucking lookin' like you been jumped". "I dunno , it just happened." ' It just happened ! That's shit - that shit doesn't "just happen " dude . Did you get fucked bare dude? Was it just one guy?? Mark stopped - I could see he was really upset " Was it that leather lookin' old dude you been jackin' with the past weeks?? "Nah Nah "- and I looked into the mirror avoiding Mark's eyes. "Was it that leather lookin' dude?? Steve said he didn't belong at jacks - should have been at the Eagle or the Pitt or some other fucked up scene. Did he take you there and you let yourself get worked over?? How many guys fucked you ?Do you even know.?" Mark was really running with it so I had to stop him. "Mark - I know it looks fucked up but this was something I got into 'cause I wanted to and I know what I'm doing. and Yeah, it was that dude, his name is Mike, it was only me and him and we used protection, it was some mind blowing sex we had. Mark just looked at me " This is totally fucked up Troy - this's not cooll and that's not you, you never let no one disrespect you, how could you let some fuckin' old creep do this shit to you? beat you and fuck your body up? " Mark would never understand how fuckin hot and MALE standing naked erect and on edge in front of Mike made me feel, how much I wanted to earn his MALE approval and how much I wanted what happened last night to happen again even if it meant being black and blue and red and sore forever. I realized too that all the other stuff at Jacks and wherever, we were just getting some rocks off, playing at being men, really just being dudes and buddies , gettin' off real fun time but that with Mike it was serious and real - it wasn't just about jackin and suckin but confronting something in me and in him and while it wasn't pretty it wasn't just "wanking". This was visceral and serious and separated what I had been doing and what I wanted from what I wanted now no matter how much pain it took. .Like I said, Mark would never understand it . I felt his buddy love and it made me sad and soft and almost weepy to see him so distressed for me , touching my marks and telling me that from now on him and Steve were going to look after me better when we went out and make sure this never happened again. He started to hug me but fuck it hurt and I made him step back. "OH Troy - fuck fuck fuck " - his eyes misted over and I wished I could have just made sure he didn't have to see what had happened to me - what door I had walked through - and that - while I would always love him as a brother - I was in a different place and following something that he would have no place in.