The following story is for adults and contains graphic descriptions of sexual contact between adolescent males. If you are a minor, then it is illegal for you to read this story. If you find the subject objectionable, then read no further. All the characters, events and settings are the product of my overactive imagination. I hope you like it and feel free to respond.

Dark Thoughts Rising runs through fourteen chapters and 145 pages. If you would like the entire novella, contact me at

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Wasting All These Tears

It was really cold. Rowan shivered under a smelly sleeping bag he had found in the corner. He had flicked a few used condoms away with a broken chair leg. It really was a bad idea thinking about who had used the musty old bag last. It was really quiet too. Rowan heard nothing but the wind and a ghostly noise as the old bones of the house shifted around him. A fire would be nice.

The teenagers called the abandoned farm yard Hobarts for some reason that probably stretched back to when Robert was a teenager. The RCMP knew all about it too. It was a school night, so Rowan thought he had it to himself. Maybe the shivering was not from the cold.

He and the guys had biked out to Hobarts two summers ago to find out where it was. It seemed like a haunted house full of animal shit. Well, the boys had hoped it was just animal shit. Broken bottles littered the yard around a scorched fire pit. Rowan had not guessed how spooky the place would be at night. Snuggled into the corner of a bedroom, he drifted off to sleep.

He did not know what time it was. The iPhone, still in his bag, had been forgotten in his panic to escape Keegan. Rowan looked out of a window, judging the position of the sun. He was missing school, that was certain. There was a treasure of water bottles amongst the debris. He drank one thirstily, then realized he had to piss. There was no movement on the grid road as he watered a bush.

After deciding that the water in a rusted rain barrel was clean enough, Rowan washed his face and tried to scrub the blood out of his shirt. He set it to dry on the window sill and snuggled back into his nest. He needed time to think. Apparently, he needed time to cry. Rowan curled into a ball and clutched the bag tightly to his chest. Nobody could hear him.

Rowan slept again, then spent some time throwing empty beer bottles at a large erratic that reminded him of Keegan’s face. When a last handy bottle shattered between Keegan’s eyes, he realized he had screamed himself hoarse. His shrill voice trailed off. Rowan kicked at the shards of glass. Feeling guilty, he wandered around gingerly cleaning up glass and fussing with the stumps around the fire pit. Okay, now you’re really acting crazy. Rowan admitted to himself.

There was an unopened can of beer. With an apology to Hayden, he cracked it and started wandering along the shelterbelt. It tasted awful until half the can filled his empty stomach. The shelterbelt was a fragmenting tangle of tall bushes and wind tortured elms. He stopped against a trunk so bent it lay along the ground before ancient branches curved up to a yellowing crown.

It was a secluded spot. The afternoon sun warmed him. Rowan stripped, letting the sun kiss his body. He lay along the log, attending to the rough bark and slight breeze on his chest. He thought of past partners and his dreams as he slowly played with himself. Something was missing. He straddled the log while he thought, letting the rough bark scratch his thighs and dangling scrotum. Rowan had forgotten his belt.

He came easily after that. Rowan tugged on the leash arching his back against the log as brief jets spattered his chest. He rubbed a wet digit around his anus, then tried fingering himself. It was awkward, so he gave up and let the sun dry his semen. Legs slipped down to straddle the rough trunk. That brought his focus back to centre. A hand strayed back to his groin.

The car’s tires brought Rowan out of his dreamy play. Heart pounding, he rolled off the trunk and scrambled along the ground so he could see who had arrived. RCMP, he peered anxiously as the police SUV rolled to a stop before the house. His bike was in the weeds where the shelterbelt met the dirt road. It might be noticed. He recognized the young constable who climbed out of the car. She walked around the yard and up the broken steps to the house.

Rowan held his breath. The withered leaves beneath his naked body shouted out his location with every nervous movement. She was inside too long. Something would give him away. Probably the carefully folded sleeping bag and empty water bottles lined up on a makeshift shelf, one, two, three, then the last two still untouched. She emerged, holding a water bottle. Damn, damn, damn.

“Rowan.” His name echoed around the yard. She paused, then walked over to his neat circle of logs around the fire pit. She put the bottle on a stump. “Rowan.” He ducked his head at the name. Tension built as the constable wandered around the house. Rowan’s eyes closed with relief when she finally got back into the SUV and left the yard.

Rowan crawled back to his clothes. Safely dressed, he returned to his spot. He felt pinned down till dark, but thirst drove him back to the house. The beer made him thirsty. He nursed his last water bottle wondering what to do next. He could not stay at Hobarts. It was Friday night and the teenagers might return. The RCMP might return.

Rowan thought of Hayden. It was the first place they would expect and Hayden’s parents would be quick to call his mom. He was not ready for that yet. Hayden had gotten hurt. Rowan could not let that happen again. Jesus, I’m crying again. He could not stay at Hobarts. When it was dark, he had to move. Everything was driving him back into that basement. Keegan, waiting in the doorway, trapping him in his cage, expecting... Rowan his half-willing slut always waiting, ready. There was plenty of time to cry before it was dark again.


He used back alleys to sneak across town. Kepler on a Friday night was too busy.  Rowan paused in the shadow of a garage imagining he heard Hayden’s voice calling his nickname. After a sigh, he pushed on, threading his way to Davon’s. This was all simply delay, but it would be nice to think he was not entirely alone.

Davon’s father was at the kitchen sink, lights on everywhere except Davon’s basement room. Rowan thought camping season was done. The huge fifth-wheel sat in shadows with its living room popped out. Fall cleanup perhaps, it looked like sanctuary to the desperate fugitive. Rowan glanced at Davon’s dark window before scurrying over to the camper door. After a spooky night out at Hobarts, the familiarity of the Ball fifth-wheel lured him in. The door was open.

“Davon?” Rowan whispered hopefully. The silence was disappointing. After a final scan of the house, Rowan went in. Rowan cracked the fridge door open. Light betrayed his presence. A frightened sweep of the camper reassured him the blinds were drawn. The fridge looked almost stocked for him. There was juice and a few beers, otherwise it had been cleaned out. He left the drinks reluctantly.

He ate a box of Ritz Crackers someone had left on the counter. The couch brought back memories of Davon. Davon’s touch, but more importantly his friendly smile. Davon knew what Rowan was and he liked Rowan anyway. Rowan fingered Davon’s web belt. It connected him to the teenager. It was Saturday soon. Davon would help Rowan figure out what to do next.

He cleaned up what little mess he had made and went up to the master bed. There were memories here too. Rowan felt gritty after a night in the abandoned house and crawling around on the ground. There was nothing to be done about that now. Running from everyone had made Rowan too tired for words. He pulled his shoes off and let the soft mattress and warm cover carry him away. Things might sort themselves out in the morning.

“Have some juice then. It’s more beer for me.” Davon’s voice coaxed.

Rowan stretched lazily and rolled over. He smiled at Davon’s sparkling eyes. “What did you put in it?” He murmured, still half asleep.

“Did you just hear something?”

There was a pause. Davon brushed his hard cock with a promise. Rowan reached down and rubbed, delighting in his length, anticipating the moment when Davon would throw the covers back, reclaim his belt and collar Rowan. Davon’s eyes flicked down to Rowan’s crotch. He licked his lips and Rowan thought, This time, this time maybe Davon will wrap his lips around my cock. He’ll make me cum before he fucks me. Rowan encouraged Davon by thrusting out his hips.

“Just chill,” Davon replied. “It’s just the two of us.” Davon nudged him with the pipe. “Want a toke?” Rowan froze. “Just a quick puff.” Rowan shook his head on the pillow. Davon held the brass pipe for him. Don’t inhale, you know this is how it started. He could not get his arms free from the sheet to push the pipe away. Davon’s friendly eyes made the next part inevitable. Rowan’s lungs burned and he frowned. He wanted sex, not drugs. The smell of Davon’s Marijuana irritated Rowan’s nose. “Let it take hold of you. Are you starting to feel good?”

Rowan nodded sleepily. He drifted back to sleep while Davon talked on in a hypnotic tone about how cool he was, how it was great to have someone like him to hang out with on a Saturday morning, how he should take his shirt off. Rowan smiled, more than half asleep. Davon wrapped his lips around Rowan’s aching cock, engulfing it like Cameron did with his incredible warmth, or was Rowan sucking Hayden’s cock deep into his own hungry mouth? Hayden’s here.! Oh Rat, I couldn’t tell you everything. The orgasm washed over Rowan and he could taste Hayden’s salt in his mouth. Rowan understood it was going to be okay.

“Here, let me show you something freaky.”

Rowan’s eyes snapped open. He was alone in the bed. It had been a dream. He lay still. What the hell is wrong with you? He wiped the sudden tears out of his eyes. It was a good dream though. He should have to stay in his dream. Rowan was so depressed.

“Oh man that is so trippy.” Adolescent voices giggled from the living room. “Oh dude, Davon, fuck, that’s making me hard.”

“You’re beautiful baby. I mean, you’re so hot.” Davon’s seductive voice was so familiar.

“You are stoned Davon.” The other boy replied uncomfortably. “This is twisted.”

“Just relax, we're on our own. We’re just a couple of guys having some harmless fun.” Rowan pushed the covers off. His heart hurt as he realized what was happening. “Oh dude, you are seriously hard and wet.”

“So are you Davon.”

“Lean back, relax. Let me take care of that dangerous weapon baby.” Rowan sat up and reached for his shoes with a trembling hand. He wanted to be away from Davon’s voice. “I’d only do this with you man, ‘cause I trust you.” He sat on the edge of the bed staring at the wall, wishing the missing door would materialize and he could finally escape this awful game. He could picture everything. Davon’s hands all over the boy, making whoever it was forget. Freeing passions best left in some shameful corner of a boy’s mind. “So hard.” Davon whispered. “So fucking sexy.” The other boy’s falsetto moans of encouragement made Rowan flinch.

Rowan moved to the doorway, ready to face the seduction. It was Lav. The voice had been familiar. The boy was completely wasted. The flat stomach heaved as Davon's fist ran up and down Lav’s straining cock. Rowan watched. Sweat glistened on Lav’s heaving chest. The light muscles defined themselves across his belly as Davon finally milked his semin free. He ran the end of the web belt through his fingers, feeling its comforting texture, the remembered odour of cum and weed flooding his senses.

They would probably notice him now. Lav would, as Davon coaxed him up from the couch with a hand behind his neck. Instead, Rowan saw a flash of Lav’s blissful face before he slid off the couch between Davon’s legs. “God that was awesome Lav.”

“That felt so good Davon. I was so hard. That was so intense dude. I’ve never felt like this before. Look I’m still as hard as a rock.” The dazed boy paused. “I’m really wasted.”

“Here, let’s have another hit of this weed. It’s extreme baby.”

Why was he frozen watching this play out? Rowan unconsciously wrapped the reassuring belt tongue around his finger. Its texture steadied him. There should be anger here, or maybe relief that Davon found another boy. Rowan was smart, he could see the drugs carelessly spilling out Davon’s tobacco pouch on the tiny kitchen counter. So why did he feel so hurt and betrayed? A cruel knife was sawing at one of the final threads.

“Take me into your mouth Lav. It’s cool. Not a big deal, we’re just taking care of eachother here. A guy gets so horny sometimes, right?” Davon was petting the boy’s back. He bent over Lav’s bare back, running his hands down toward the boy’s waist and beyond. Rowan could remember the fingers reaching for his pussy. “You feel it don’t you? It’s okay Lav. This is our secret. Oh fuck, you’re good.” Davon shifted forward on the stool, thrusting his pelvis into Lav’s face.

Rowan stepped heavily into into the living room. Davon twisted around in surprise, pulling his cock free from Lav’s mouth. They were both too wasted for fear. After a heartbeat, Davon laughed. Lav stared at him with a mixture of distracted alarm, still caught up in Davon’s pharmacological web.

“Ro, where have you been Ro? People are looking for you baby.” Hands fumbled with Lav’s head, guiding it gently back to the glistening cock. Lav balked, trying to muster the natural alarm he should feel at being caught between Davon’s legs. “It’s okay Lav. It’s just Ro. He’s cool with this.” Davon caught Lav’s mouth with a painfully familiar gesture, using his thumb to pry the lips apart. Davon guided Lav back onto his cock.

Rowan took a step toward the pair, caught up in the scene. Lav came off the cock and glanced at Rowan. Fear and embarrassment had forced their way past the ecstasy of sex. Lav’s eyes darted back to Davon’s calm face when the older teen took his erection. Small jolts of pleasure hit the hypersensitive boy. Davon stroked the shaft, shifting occasionally to palm the scrotum. “I know you need it Lav. Just take care of me first. Ro is my little bitch.” Davon’s voice was dreamy and his movements slow. Lav dropped back down on his cock.

Rowan turned to the door, heartbroken by it all. “You’re my cock slut aren’t you Ro? I’ll show you how to take Ro so he freaks out all over your beautiful long cock up his cunt.” The next thought was choked off by a spasm of pleasure. “Ro is my beautiful, beautiful boy.” When he could finally speak again. “Arg, don’t stop Lav. Think about how tight Ro’s pussy is going to be.” Davon’s voice was oddly slurred.

Another thread frayed. Rowan hurt so badly, tears blurred his vision as he fumbled with the door. “Where are you going Ro? We need your little ass over here. Do you hear me Ro? Agh! Agh!” Rowan leaned his head against the metal door frame listening to Davon’s climax. Lav’s cock waited for him. He knew how much he wanted to be beneath the handsome boy, pleasing both of them over and over again as they fed his own hunger.

If he looked at the teenagers, he would join them. Rowan took a breath. He chanced one look. Davon was kissing Lav, that helped. “You’re getting better.” He cried through his tears. “You did not have to tie him up before you raped him.” A dam burst when Davon’s thread snapped. He caught Davon’s stricken look before he fell into the sunlit yard. He could not stop sobbing as he ran to his bike.


He would have to go straight into the Ratt’s past Hayden’s parents and hope he could get a few minutes of privacy with him before his mother or Robert came to collect him. He could not let Keegan hold Hayden hostage and after their fight in the park, Rowan knew that would be exactly what he would do. Besides, he really needed to be with Hayden, if only for a moment.

The cars were gone from the pad in front of the house. Rowan tumbled off his bike and lay on the grass panting. Hayden was away, off to who knew where with his family. He looked up at the sky. It was almost a relief not to have to confront his best friend. Rowan lay on the cool lawn not much caring if anyone discovered him. It had been a shitty last few days.

“Pen? Oh my God Pen! You stupid son of a bitch, you left your phone. How was I supposed to reach you?”

Rowan rolled over and looked up at Hayden and his little sister Bella standing together on the front steps. “I forgot Rat.”

“You’re a mess Pen.”

“I’m a mess Rat.” Rowan dropped his face into his hands and started crying.

Hayden’s mother was out of town shopping. His father would be at work for a few hours. Hayden chased Bella away after warning her not to talk about Rowan’s arrival. He would not listen to Rowan until he showered. Hot water helped, but it could not stop the pounding of his heart. Talking to Hayden might be scariest thing he had ever thought about doing.

Hayden had taken his clothes off somewhere. That was fine. It made it easier somehow. He went naked to Hayden’s room. His bag and Davon’s belt lay on the bed. He sat on the bed and pulled them close. He looked around the comfortable space while he waited for the next thread to start unravelling.

Hayden brought a sandwich and a glass of juice. “What did you put in the juice?”

“Tropical fruits I suppose.” Hayden set the food carefully beside the bed.

“You looked in my bag?” Rowan touched it.

“I did, sorry. Your phone was ringing all the time. They were going to trace it, I had to get it out so I could give it to your mom.”

Rowan nodded silently. Hayden watched as he opened the bag and dumped its contents onto the bed before him. The drugs rolled loose and he reached out to put them carefully beside Peter and his beads. He could not look at his friend. It was so overwhelming, cutting this oh so vital thread. He cried unashamed.

Hayden closed his door and joined Rowan on the bed. Rowan touched the ugly bruise on the side of Hayden’s face. He hesitated before he let his finger caress the swollen lips. “Sorry Rat.”

“It wasn't your fault Pen.”

“Yes it is Rat.”

“Tell me Pen.” Rowan hear the anguish. He hated hurting Hayden more than he had already done. So Rowan told him. The story came out in a whisper.

He started with the first party while Hayden danced at the pow wow. He opened the glass bottle and spilled the tablets into his palm while he tried to sort the pain and confusion of that night. Hayden started to interrupt. Rowan hand shook as he waited for his friend’s response. Hayden cleared his throat, not wanting to interrupt the flow. Rowan's fright was transparent, so Hayden spoke.

“I'm pretty sure the blue ones are Viagra.” He shrugged apologetically. Rowan nodded as he poured the tablets back into bottle.

Rowan ran the old web belt through his hands as he continued on. It was simpler to look at belt while talked about everything up until the trip to Winnipeg. He lingered over a sip of juice before telling Hayden about the store in Winnipeg.

Getting through that confession was exhausting. Hayden understood about the basement. Finally, Rowan talked himself out. He reached for the belt and fastened it to his neck. He had found some spot on the wall he could look at instead of Hayden’s disgusted face. Rowan had tucked his legs up and used his knees to shield his face when the words came harder. He crossed his legs and played with his fingers nervously in his lap.

“That’s what I am now Hayden.” Rowan’s eyes finally met Hayden’s. Hayden snagged the end of his leash and pulled him forward till Rowan’s head was on his shoulder.

“They raped you Pen.” Hayden said it gently into his ear. Rowan nodded.

“I like it Rat. The sex, feeling someone inside of me. I’m scared Rat.” He started to pull away, but Hayden’s hand drew him back.

“It doesn't matter if it feels good. The bastards raped you.” Rowan would not answer. “Rowan, they hurt you.” Hayden was crying. Rowan nodded. Hayden carefully took the belt off.

“Hayden, the clothes are in the dryer now. I added a sheet of Bounce. Is Rowan okay?”

“Rowan is just sad Bella. It's okay. Thanks for doing that.”

Rowan sighed and sat up. He looked at the scattered contents of his bag. What did Hayden think of him now? It was a lot for one twelve year old to dump on another twelve year old. Hayden picked Peter up. He switched the dildo on and held it to his crotch. He had such a crazy look on his face that Rowan slapped his hands to his face in surprise. He peeked through his fingers and saw Hayden was wiggling Peter around invitingly. His expression was even funnier. Rowan finally started laughing.

They smiled at each other. Hayden turned the dildo off and examined it. “It's really big Pen.”

“It's an average cock Rat. You should see Peter’s big brother.” Rowan did not mention that two years might make Hayden’s cock as big as Cameron’s.

“Peter? Oh my God, Peter?” Hayden started laughing. Rowan told him to shut up and turned crimson. Then he had to laugh with Hayden. “Well, Peter is a little scary.” He put the dildo down and picked up the beads. “I tried these last night.” He paused. “A few times, with those bottles.” He looked steadily at Rowan. Tears filled Rowan’s eyes again, he understood, even if he was not sure it was a good thing. Hayden wanted him to know that, just like the bags, his friend would always try to be open to him.

“Let me get you some clothes Pen. I should phone dad, and you need to phone your mom.” Rowan nodded as he repackaged his bag. Hayden went to a drawer. “You’ll be okay Pen. I want you to know it will be okay.” His voice seemed muffled.

“I can't tell mom what they did to me Rat. You understand that?” He could hear the quaver in his voice. “I can't stop it either. You can't stop it Rat.”

Hayden pulled sweats and tee-shirt free. He held them up to his face. “Yeah, I get that Pen.” Rowan could see his friend was worrying something in his mind.

“Are we going to be okay Hayden?”

“Rowan Vigo Pence, you and me are always going to be okay.”


Rowan was still on Hayden’s bed crying, but now his mom sat cradling him. “I'm sorry Rowan. I let you down and I'm so sorry.” What could he say to that? He let her brush the hair off his forehead. It fell back into his eyes as soon as she stopped. “I just did not realize how much you and Keegan were fighting with each other.” She looked at her fingernails nervously.

“You trying to choke Keegan surprises me Rowan. I've never known you to do that.” The reproach in her voice seemed odd, given she had just apologized for being distracted.

“Keegan hit Hayden mom.” Rowan’s exasperation was obvious. “I mean, he really hurt him.” She knew. Keegan had apologized to Hayden in front of his irate parents Thursday night. It would have been worth seeing Hayden and Keegan’s faces at that awkward moment. “I'm sorry mom. We really don't like each other and all I want to do is stay the hell out of his way.” She did not care much for his language and told him so. Rowan sighed.

“Rob is proud of you, you know? He said it was a good sign you can try and stand up for yourself. Boys have to know how to fight Kim!” The last was delivered in a fair imitation of his stepfather’s voice. “He’s sorry there is bad blood between you brothers.” She made another annoying attempt at his hair. He loved her for it, wishing their lives were a lot less complicated.

“I'm still mad at Keegan mom.”

“Yes, well running away was not the sort of thing I ever expected you to do again.” She stopped abruptly.

“I was seven mom.” His life had been falling apart then too. Getting lost on the streets of St. George had been almost as much of a disaster. Rowan let it go. “Thanks for understanding.” Not about running away because she was yanking him away from his dad. He meant permission to stay with Hayden. “I still need some space away from Keegan. Mom, take me on another trip.” That was desperate. He could hear the blind panic in his plea.

“You’ll need to make your peace with your brother tomorrow buster. Sunday night is a school night and I have not forgot you skipped school Friday. I'm grounding you all next week for hiding out at that awful party house for two nights.” Rowan did not want to hear that.


“I can sleep on the floor.”

“Just get in bed Pen.” Hayden stripped his briefs off. Rowan watched hesitantly as his friend’s naked body snaked under the light covers. He turned expectantly to Rowan, propping himself on one arm. Rowan thought of his mother’s touch brushing the bangs off his forehead. Things were different between them since that night in the basement when Hayden had sat holding Keegan at bay.

There was really nothing else to do but pull Hayden’s sweatpants down and join him in the bed. He couldn't not turn his back on Hayden, not while he lay there watching. Their legs connected at he snuggled onto his side. Rowan looked at the ceiling, flashed a smile at Hayden, then concentrated on the ceiling again. He propped his head on his hands. It was a mistake, his elbow made contact with Hayden’s arm. Eyes flicked left. Hayden looked like he was memorizing Rowan’s face. He was worrying something in his mind again.

“It’s okay Rat.” Rowan blinked at the ceiling a few times. What did he mean? Was he trying to say that he was not feeling upset, that he was not going to break down in tears again? Did he want Hayden to know he forgave him if his best friend did not know how to deal with the ugly thing he had become? “It's okay.” He found himself repeating on an exhalation of his breath. A spasm of his anxiety and a ragged breath. Shame, shame at the tingle in his body, wanting Hayden to touch him with that hand fingering the blanket. It’s okay Rat. Realizing Keegan was right after all. All this was his fault. Somehow he seduced the teenagers. Here he was, wanting to do it all over again with Hayden. Lying beside his friend, the guilt did not matter to him, not one bit. Not if Hayden wanted to touch him.

“Your mom is a real card shark.” Hayden’s hand went to Rowan’s chest. Rowan grinned at him. She had stayed for supper and an evening of cards with the Ratt’s. Mending fences after the embarrassment of the football fight, appreciation for the care they showed to her troublesome child, Rowan was not sure. Maybe, like Rowan, she simply needed a moment to unwind with a family that seemed to have it together.

“Rob and mom like to hit the casinos together. Mom’s all about the numbers, so she wins more than she loses.” They were caught in each other's eyes. Hayden blushed. He reached across Rowan to turn off the light. They were left in shadows, Hayden’s hot body burning Rowan’s skin. Rowan imagined the slightest pressure from Hayden’s hips and felt a silent sigh blow across his shoulder. You are not tied up. Just bring your hand down and hold him there. Hayden withdrew to his side of the bed, leaving Rowan lonely.

His hands came down too late. He slid them under the sheet. Rowan’s nuckles brushed Hayden’s smooth thigh. They could hear Hayden’s mother chuckle something to his father in the hallway. “Would you touch me Pen? Is that okay?” Rowan lay counting his breaths. “I’m sorry. Are you mad?” Hayden’s usual assurance had vanished. The friends began to shift until it was Rowan propped on an elbow memorizing his friend’s face, and Hayden lying with his hands behind his head, eyes shifting between the ceiling and Rowan’s face. “I’m sorry. It was a fucked up thing to ask you to do after everything, you know what I mean.”

“It’s okay Hayden Echa Ratt. Don’t you know it's always going to be okay between us?” Rowan checked the bedroom door quickly before pulling the covers off of Hayden. He started with Hayden’s bangs, brushing them gently away from his glittering eyes. His fingers explored the battered side of Hayden’s face. There was only one thing he could do to stop that from happening again. “That bastard.” Rowan’s voice trembled.

“Not now Pen, please?”

Rowan did what Davon’s hands had taught him. He roved freely over his friend’s body starting with the soft hollow of his armpit, the nippled twin buttes, then off the escarpment of his rib cage down to the little cave of his belly button and the tense plain of muscles drawing him to his destination. It was there, lifting free in the shadows. Rowan had seen it so many times, the bold head poking through its protective cowl. After five years innocent friendship, it was as familiar as the shape of Hayden’s nose. His fingers began to explore.

“Ah!” Hayden gasped. “Pen, do what you would want one of those boys to do to you. I need to know what you like Pen, please.” And then, “Sorry, sorry, I didn’t mean to talk about them.” An arm shifted to cover his eyes. “Don’t stop.” Hayden finished with a soft plea.

This was so different. Resurrecting memories of Davon and Cameron did not hurt so much. Along with all ugliness, those hungry teenagers had taught him people could make each other feel good. Rowan licked at Hayden’s little nipple until his friend started giggling. “Everything Rat?”

“Till I tell you to stop.” The quaver mixed into Hayden’s next giggle warned Rowan to be cautious. But this was why he came to Hayden’s house in the first place. Hayden had to know how the teenager’s had changed him. Rowan clung to Hayden’s thread, desperately praying it would not unravel like Davon’s had. Enough with doubt, Rowan swallowed Hayden’s boyhood. It fit so easily. Rowan let it slide completely out, thinking of the other’s he had taken. He went back down on the hardness till his nose touched the moist package beyond.

Nobody ever really cared how Rowan felt, unless that cautious spark of joy could be turned against him. Only Cameron treated him gently. This should be a dance, Rowan realized. You have to dance with him Rowan, like you danced with him that first time and every time since. Watch Rat dance and follow his steps.

No point in rushing Hayden to his climax, that was something that always disappointed Rowan. He tried to keep him on the edge, enjoying his own throbbing response to Hayden’s obvious pleasure. Hayden brought a hand down groping for Rowan’s cock, seeking reassurance that Rowan was dancing along with him. Satisfied, his hand moved back behind his head. “This feels really good Pen.”

“There’s one more thing.” Rowan was glad for the darkness. “I don’t know about it.” When it came down to it, Rowan was afraid. He tugged the thread connecting him to Hayden in his mind, testing it.

“I’ll tell you to stop Pen, honest.”

Rowan pushed Hayden’s legs apart. He paused. It was not forbidden, so he went on. He licked his finger so as he played on Hayden’s crotch, absorbing the new sensations along with his friend’s long familiar scent, he could massage the tender flesh. “I need the lubricant Rat, okay?”

“Okay, and that other stuff you have.” Hayden chuckled. Rowan smiled as he went for his bag. He brought his bag back beside the bed. “Pen, wait!” Rowan hesitated, oil and cream already coating his fingers. Hayden sat up and sucked Rowan’s cock deep into his own mouth. He practiced on it for a minute, leaving Rowan overwhelmed. “Okay.” Hayden fell back on the bed. He did not comment on what he had just done. “Okay.” A second breathless whisper.

Rowan’s tongue and lips distracted Hayden from the slick finger probing into his warm depths. He knew what it would be doing to the boy once he accustomed himself to the presence. They talked and giggled in low tones about anything and everything while Rowan cooled Hayden down. A second finger fit in and Rowan was ready to try the next thing.

Hayden had to press his pillow into his face. Rowan’s mouth tried to stay on his cock as Hayden began bucking against the fingers in his bum. It’s a prostate, not a gay spot. Everyone has them. Rowan crowed triumphantly. Hayden likes it too. Rowan wanted Hayden to climax. It was time to see if Hayden’s body would let Rowan taste him. He did not know the dance steps yet, so he was not ready for the orgasm. Hayden ejaculated too far back into his mouth. He pulled back letting Hayden’s body reflexively fuck his mouth instead. The pillow came away with a long sigh.

“You shot in my mouth Rat. I felt it. I tasted it.” Rowan still wanted to touch his friend, appreciating the rare sense of partnership, appreciating not being flayed by the straight boy’s put downs, maybe. He licked Hayden’s nipple again, earning a giggle. They lay together after that, listening to each other breath.

“What would you like me to do Pen?” Hayden should not have asked that. It was self loathing that forced him to sit on the side of the bed with his head in his hands. Of course, his cock was still hard. He felt it against his belly, betraying him.

“Nobody asks me that Rat. Don’t you get it? It doesn’t matter what I want.” Faggot slut. Why was he being bitter with the only person he needed not to call him that? Tell him to fuck your cunt, you know you want it. Hayden hugged him from behind.

“I’m sorry. I’m being selfish.”

Rowan’s hysterical laugh was too loud, his answer too shrill. “You don’t know what selfish is Rat.” Stop crying pussy boy, you disgust me. Hayden held on tighter. Rowan listened for adult voices.

“What do you want to do Pen. Whatever, you want, it’s okay.” He let go of Rowan, and Rowan was sorry for that. “We can stop if that is what you want.” Rowan needed to get fucked, but he was not ready to ask Hayden to do that for him.

“Let me show you how Peter works.”

Hayden nodded eagerly, clearly glad to see Rowan come back to him. He watched silently as Rowan prepared the dilldo. “What should I do?” Once he had it safely in, Rowan rolled onto his stomach and grabbed a pillow. Hayden turned it on.

“Turn him off! He’s too loud!”

“No, it’s okay Pen. Don’t worry.” Hayden concentrated on his job, shifting the dildo whenever Rowan whispered a fierce request. It was Rowan’s turn to muffle his cries in a pillow. He lifted himself onto his knees, opening himself as much as he could in Child’s Pose. He had no idea what Hayden thought of him now, ass cheeks spread wide, anus surrendering to the latex shaft. He was going to grab himself when Hayden’s fingers beat him to it. That act of caring sent Rowan into a wild climax that spattered jets of semin across the sheet. He felt Peter sliding out.

“No! Keep going Hayden. Please!” Peter went back in, bringing him back to the precipice where he belonged. In time, Rowan stretched his body. He mindlessly surrendered to the sensation. Hayden pulled Peter out and spread more lubricant and sensitizing cream on his fingers. Rowan opened easily to his friend.

“Oh! I found it!” Hayden’s fingers rolled over his acorn for a minute. One hand petting his bum. There seemed nothing Hayden was not willing to accept. “Am I making you feel good Pen?” Just asking the question started Rowan’s silent tears when what he needed to do was untwist the knot and laugh for joy.

“So that’s what I like.” Rowan confessed into his folded arms. “I’m sorry Rat.” You disgusting little slut. Fag, just like your father. You’re such a good friend to girls like Faith. You’re safe, because what you really need is a real boy’s cock up your cunt. Rowan could not shut out the voices heaping abuse on him. He felt so bad all the time. He should not be here with Hayden feeling good. He belonged back in Davon’s camper. He was Davon’s little bitch.

Hayden lay on his back, a hard cock signalling something familiar. “Did I make you feel good, or were you trying to hurt yourself?” The voices stopped abruptly. Rowan thought about that, knowing the answer was a little bit of both. “Don’t be so hard on yourself Pen. You’ve been hurt. They make me so angry. I don’t want you to be so sad.” Fingers tickled his side. This was Hayden Ratt, he was determined to dance Rowan right out of his depression. Rowan giggled softly.

“Don’t go there Rat.” He warned his friend.

“Or what?” Hayden laughed back. Rowan bucked Hayden off his back. He slid onto his friend until their hard cocks were rubbing against each other. “It feels good Rat. I can’t help it, it just feels good.”

“It’s okay Pen. It’s okay.” Hayden’s voice was begging him to stop worrying. “I’m okay, if you’re okay.” Rowan nodded. Perhaps it would be enough if Hayden was okay with who he was, whatever he was, whatever he was going to be. Hayden had given him permission to be himself for this one night. There might never be another like it between them. Why did that suddenly bother Rowan so much?

Rowan started humping Hayden’s crotch cautiously. Parents were about and they could not be caught. Hayden came first, mouth gaping wide in forced silence. Hayden pushed eager hands between their lean bellies, wrapping both cocks in his fists. Rowan lifted to give them space. He braced himself and fucked the tightness, gliding around his partner’s cock until his own release rested across Hayden’s body. “Oh God Rowan, I don’t want to lose you.” The boy’s lips hovered very close together eyes connecting. Rowan finally collapsed with his head on Hayden’s shoulder. He barely remembered the voices as Hayden’s touch told him he would be okay. Hayden had helped him dance it out once again.

The two commandos snuck to the bathroom naked. It was hard not to giggle. Hayden locked the door while they cleaned themselves in the dark. “I should flush the pills down the toilet.” Rowan said sadly. “I’m so sorry Rat. We had a deal.”

“You told me Davon tricked you.” Hayden reassured him.

“Yes, but I kept the pills he gave me. I never used them, I swear!” Hayden had to believe him. It was important. “I drank a beer out at Hobart’s.” He continued. He was such a disappointment to Hayden. Rowan fidgeted with the washcloth, feeling discouraged. Hayden took his hand and beckoned him to follow.

They sat naked on the back lawn together, legs crossed and knees together, trying to ignore the occasional insect and the erotic tickle of the grass on their bare testicles. The deliciousness of it all dissolved when Hayden’s father called out to them. “Why are you two running around the backyard buck naked?”

“We’re smudging.” Hayden answered. He showed his father the braid of sweetgrass and Bic lighter. “Pen needs to cleanse.”

“Okay, and why are you naked, as if I really want to know the answer to that?” He came closer. The boys looked at each other.

Rowan turned to the man. “We are opening ourselves to the Great Spirit, Kihci Manito.” He puffed his chest out and reached his arms to the sky.

“What a crock of shit, white boy. Am I going to see a pair of boners if I come over there?” The boys inspected themselves and shook their heads. Hayden’s father joined them in a widened circle. “We’ll let your mom watch from the safety of our bedroom.” He took the braid from Hayden.

“This is no joke to me boys. Are you serious about this?” The boy's nodded. “Some things need to be cleansed, other things do not. I hope you two can sort that out in your minds. You have both been through a hard time this week.”

“I had a beer. There are some other things.” Rowan contributed.

“I’m helping Pen.” His dad looked at him. “Yeah, I got into a fight too.”

It helped. Rowan let the smoke drift over him, copying Hayden’s movements cautiously. He wanted to believe the smoke was drawing the evil out of him. He hoped Hayden could accept what Rowan was, he wanted his friend out from between the stepbrothers, and he prayed desperately for the door out of his nightmare To open. He wondered what Hayden had wished for.

Hayden woke him in the morning. They lay facing each other, touching again. Bella’s voice chattered with the parents as they moved beyond the door. Hayden and Rowan ignored them. They giggled as hands played on. “Shh...” Rowan whispered and ducked beneath the sheets.

Body of Work

If you are here on the midway then you have come to the carnival seeking entertainment, company and of course excitement. There are a dazzling array of rides suited your every mood. There are gentle rides that conjure up soft memories of youth and rides that lift you from the dreariness of your grind and send you flying ageless through the night. There are also the side shows…

If you are here then you are in the house of mirrors captivated by the reflections around you. They are all curved in some way. Every mirror is imperfect and every mirror draws your attention to something new. The mirrors magnify or diminish parts of what we think is real. Sometimes you like what you see and sometimes you don't. Sometimes you believe what you see and sometimes you can't be sure what has been distorted. The distortions are intentional and we flatter ourselves into believing the mirrors only stand arrayed like this in such places as the midway. Before you go back to the mirrors of your life step closer to this one.

Eliot Moore, 2007

Here is a summary of the wide variety of other stories I have published.

Awakenings: This ghost story was posted to Nifty in November 2016. Middle aged divorcee Jake begins renovating a 1900’s Craftsman home in an old neighbourhood. He becomes entangled with Will, the 18-year old ghost of a Great War veteran and Chris, a 15-year old homeless addict on a desperate quest. As Jake’s failed life is rejuvenated by his love affair with Will, he slowly pieces together the hundred-year-old connection that has brought the three of them together.

For Your Eyes Only: This novella was posted to Nifty in November 2010. Simon meets Glyn and his younger brother James one August evening during a neighbourhood game. Simon and Glyn become fast friends but it is Simon's secret game with James Fleming that helps Simon accept his hidden self.

A Fragile Light: This story was posted to Nifty December, 2009. Graham (28) goes to the Christmas Eve service to be with his husband John. He is alienated from his deeply religious family and detached from the warmth of the service. He identifies a kindred spirit teenage Theo and learns they have more in common than he thought as Theo is joined by Jesse. Graham leaves strengthened by the encounter.

Janus: This story was posted to Nifty July 2009. Michael (18) is coaxed into attending a summer party by his older sister. He is college bound and uncertain about the choices he has made. At the party his encounters with Lauren (19) and Scott (20) help him discover himself and make a decision about his future. and

Hound: This story was first posted to Nifty the summer of 2008. The first draft was completed in 2005 and in truth I sat on it a long time before I decided to post it. Six-year-old Ethan Yates is abducted off the streets by a pedophile ring. Cast into a nightmare world he struggles to hold on to his identity. Isolated and confused, he clings to fourteen-year-old Peter. As the years pass their mutual need develops into an indestructible bond.

Turbulence: This novel was first posted on Nifty between February and June of 2007. Fourteen year old Daniel Murrell finds the hazing at Riverview High School as freshie a serious challenge. He negotiates it with the help and hindrance of his friends. After a long year of discovery, he comes to terms with his bisexuality. (first edition) and

Recovery: This story was first posted to Nifty in January 2007. Sixteen year old Greg Cox reluctantly joined his father in a small rural village in Saskatchewan. There his life becomes entwined with fourteen year old Seth Patterson. As he is slowly drawn closer to Seth he struggles with the memories and guilt associated with the loss of his mother, brother and sister while coming to terms with his promiscuity. and