Dirty Little Secret

Rowan forked a generous helping of egg into his mouth. He felt uncertain still and dreaded the solitary walk home. There were many consequences to face at the end. Hayden, well Hayden was Hayden, sitting across from him with his bruised face. Hayden met the day full of joy. The jagged knife could not even mark the indestructible wire Hayden had curled round Rowan’s fragile core. He turned from Bella and his grin washed the lingering doubts about what they had done away. They both blushed and Rowan remembered to be careful. He could be dangerous for Hayden.

The back doorbell rang and Hayden’s mom pulled her hands from the dishwater to answer it. “There’s a boy here to talk to you Rowan.” Hayden frowned. Rowan swallowed his food painfully. Why did Davon have to follow him to the Ratt’s? He motioned his friend to stay seated and suffered his stormy look. This was his other world and Hayden had no place in it.

“How did you know I was here?” Rowan asked curiously.

“I had to tell Luka. He asked Keegan. Keegan said you were here.” Lav waved the question away like Rowan was a wasp in his face, maybe he was. Lav thrust his fists in his pockets and danced nervously. “We have to talk, now.” He was in agony. Rowan could sympathize with that. A car rolled past the house and Lav shied away from the noise as if it was aimed at him. “Look, just come with me please.”

“Where?”

The young teen cast about desperately and then pointed to the back yard. Rowan followed him back reluctantly. The number of boys who knew about him seemed to grow. Lav turned to confront Rowan. “You were there, right?” He grabbed his head and spun around once. “I think I remember you being there. Were you there?”

“Yes I was there.” Lav was so scared. He was a good guy. “You don't have to worry Lav. I won't tell anyone.”

“It was the drugs Rowan.” He jumped the rails suddenly. “Did you tell anyone? Not about me, does anyone know you went to Davon’s yesterday?”

“No.” Rowan tried to keep up. “I just told you. Why would I tell anyone, Lav?”

“You weren’t there Rowan. I wasn't there. We were not there.”

“I'm totally cool with that.” Rowan agreed fervently.

Lav stared at him, measuring him. Rowan shuffled his feet uncomfortably. “Okay, I guess we have that straight. I should go. Remember, I have not seen you since the football game. I was never here either, right?”

“Okay.”

Lav stared toward the house. “You two are cute together.” Rowan turned and saw Hayden sitting on the edge of the deck. It was odd talking to someone who was not sneering at him or calling him a pussy boy. Lav looked him up and down. “I was pretty stoned. I...” Lav struggled with something. “Davon and I did a lot of stuff. Oh God, Davon!” He had to stop for a moment, a wild look in his eyes. He looked at Rowan. “Did we?”

“No.” Rowan blushed shyly. “It's okay Lav, don't worry.”

The blood drained from Lav’s face. He looked at Rowan bleakly. “I don't think so Rowan. It's not going to be okay. I'm sorry about Davon.”

Rowan watched him walk away. Tomorrow Lav would pass by him without a word in the hallway. Davon might call Rowan over, just like Rey had. Lav would be there curious about Rowan. Davon might have been stoned out of his mind in the trailer, but Rowan figured the idea would pop back into his head before long.

Rowan walked over to Hayden. He was really uncomfortable for some reason. He sat beside his friend and looked down at his hands. “I put your eggs in the microwave.”

“Thanks.” Rowan waved toward the spot on the lawn where he had been talking with Lav. “He did not have sex with me.”

“Okay.” Hayden measured tone mirrored Rowan's growing confusion. “Do you want your eggs?”

*****

“I've let this go on for too long Rob. It has to stop! At first, I thought it was good for Rowan to have some honest male influence. Please don't be mad at me honey, I love you. You are everything Kort wasn't and I know you have been good for Rowan. Maybe both of you, like you said. Rowan was so spoiled as the only child.” His dad tried to speak, but she cut him off. “Rowan is scared. He ran away Rob. My boy ran away. We have just got to do something more than tell Keegan to lay off and then slip him twenty-five dollars so he can drink at some football party.”

“Are you done?” Keegan could hear the exasperation in his dad’s voice. “Okay, I'm hearing you Kim. Please let me get this out. You’re too overprotective. You work hard and leave him on his own more than you like. You feel guilty. Sweetheart, you are doing the best you can. He’s almost a teenager. Let him take some knocks to he grows up to be the kind of man you can be proud of.”

“You have not seen his face yet.” Keegan resented the bitterness in her voice. What about how he was feeling now? Did she care what he was going through right now? That should matter way more than anything if she loved him like she said she did.

Keegan looked at his phone, fortytwo messages. I guess it takes something like this to let you know who your friends are. He needed to read them. Pretty soon his dad and Kim were going to come up and try and talk to him again. See if he was suicidal or something. They were freaking out worse than he was. Keegan dropped the phone and pulled a bottom drawer out. He took the ziplock bag to the toilet and flushed the drugs Davon had left down the toilet. He remembered what Rey had said that first morning, give Rowan an overdose to shut him up. Is that why you kept them all this time?

He paused at the top of the stairs to listen again. “So your solution is to ground him, maybe take away his phone at the exact moment he needs the love and support of his friends? Is that the best thing to do for him now? He is hurting right now. He’s a fourteen year old boy and his best friend is dead.” That shut Kim up. It was a good moment to escape.

His heavy tread on the stairs stopped the conversation dead. “I can't deal with this right now.” Keegan saw no point in pretending he had not been listening to them. “Once again, I'm sorry Rowan and I got into a fight. It's not my fault he ran away. You can get into it with me later. Right now I'm going downtown. Brooklyn and everyone are waiting.” Kim’s face morphed back and forth between annoyance and concern. His dad asked him if he needed any money. Keegan took as much as he could get.

The messages scrolled by as he walked to the cafe. He paused to answer a few, share his ignorance about it all. It was all read by the time Brooklyn and Tessa gave him a hug. He slid into booth beside Rey.

“Does anybody know what happened?” Tessa’s girlfriend looked around the table. Keegan looked down at his drink.

“Kelly lives across the street. She saw the cops and an ambulance about 10:30. That’s all.” Brooklyn replied dramatically. That was what it was for all of them, just some school drama. Davon had been best friends with Rey and him. They went back with Davon right to the beginning. Keegan felt really bad. The table conversation degenerated into speculation on how Davon died. It ranged from congenital heart disease to suicide.

Rey leaned over and Keegan bent his ear. “Do you think he actually killed himself?” Keegan closed his eyes.

“He was getting to be a moody guy.” Keegan conceded. The girls picked up on his observation and ran with it. They made Davon out to be a rather darkly romantic figure. Brooklyn recalled which girls had liked Davon but could never pin him down. “He was complicated.” Keegan offered. Drew snorted coke out his nose.

Davon was a very nice person, they all agreed, and Keegan knew none of them understood his friend. He wished he had not ignored him as much as he had since school started. None of Keegan’s buddies had ever moved away. This was the first person he had lost. It was going to change his life.

He shared the walk partway home with Rey. “It sucks not knowing what happened. Maybe it was some stupid accident. Have you talked to his parents?” Keegan shook his head. It had all happened so quickly. “We should go over there Keegan. His mom was always nice to us. It's the right thing to do.” Davon’s death was so senseless. They were going to be fifteen, get girlfriends and play hockey. They had made it to high school together. Keegan finally grabbed Rey’s sleeve and turned him around. Rey had it right. They owed the Bell’s a visit.

It was not till Monday at 3:00 that the news of Davon’s death was made official. Despite the gossip bouncing from freshman desk to freshman desk, the staff ignored the tragedy. After the warm gathering at the cafe, Keegan expected his classmates to gather round him. Davon, it seemed, was nothing but a curiosity to most of them. His new teammates had clapped him on the back and talked of other things.

Tuesday morning, the high school crisis intervention team had creaked into motion. As they droned on about narcotics and getting high on life, it dawned on Keegan that Davon died of a drug overdose late Saturday night. Speculative eyes turned on Keegan, Rey, and Luka. Keegan abandoned his teammates to sit with his old friends.

“So did he off himself or was it an accident? Why don't they just tell us?” Rey complained. “What does Rowan think, Keegan?”

“Why should anyone ask Rowan what he thinks?” Luka snapped irritably.

Well, there’s not much point in explaining that to Luka, Keegan thought to himself. “Davon put up with the little shit for some reason. Rowan is clueless.”

“What has he told you?” Luka asked. Keegan ignored the question and asked about the funeral. After stopping at the Bell’s Sunday afternoon, he did not have courage to go back to listen to avoid their probing questions.

“Thursday afternoon.”  Rey replied. “This is all so fucking depressing. We need to have a party for Davon. I will talk to my folks about it and see if I can have a crowd over Thursday night.”

“I need that Rey. Let’s do that.” Keegan needed a crowd. He needed a reason to get out of the house. It came to him again how much he was going to miss Davon. How was he going to manage Rowan without help? Keegan listened to Rey natter on about meaningless things while he struggled with his feelings. Rey nudged him out of his fugue and pointed toward Brooklyn following in Tessa’s wake. He waved back at her.

She liked him and his credit was stronger with a few of her friends because of that. She was not the bitch Tessa turned out to be. Since Sunday at the cafe, Keegan had let her slide into being his girlfriend. He did not have to work very hard at it, and it was a nice feeling. Davon’s death could probably get him into her pants now. So why was he back to fucking Rowan?

*****

“Go ahead, you know you want to do it faggot.” But Rowan didn’t and Keegan did not like the way the boy lay limp and uncaring beneath him. He paused and reached for Rowan’s hand and shoved it against the pussy’s crotch. His burning shaft slipped free as he sat back on his heels. Rowan lay draped over his fuck pillow illuminated by the ruby glow of a night light. Keegan began softly whispering to the boy. “Maybe you miss Davon. Is that it? You’d never know it.” They had stopped talking with each other completely now.

The long legs frogged out between Keegan’s knees. Keegan lay his hands on the thin thighs, massaging the slack muscle. “Are you thinking of Davon right now? Did you make him like this? Did he do this for you so you could get off?” Keegan ran his hands up Rowan’s thighs and onto the small mounds guarding the insatiable mouth to his hot silky depths. “You want me to do it now don’t you?” Not even a hint of baby fat since Rowan was eleven. He squeezed the thin waist. “Well You won’t get me to do it faggot. Tell me what you want now Rowan.” Rowan was too smart to answer that. He checked Rowan’s phone on its cradle, 2:38. “I know what you need.”

Keegan got his stepbrother going right at the end. He was beginning to act like he felt the hard cock punishing him. It was a nice thought. He was drained and drowsy, but the little ass still wanted more. That’s how he killed Davon. It wasn’t the drugs, it was Rowan. He was still moving in Rowan, trying to meet the faggot’s perverted need. Keegan pulled out quickly. He paused in thought. “Maybe the next time you have a sleepover with your Indian friend you can show him how much you need cock.”

Rowan went in motion. He twisted away from Keegan and ended on his feet beside the bed. “You promised!” Anger mixed with panic in Rowan’s voice. Keegan followed him up, pinning him to the wall with his elbow. Keep knocking him into the boards, but don’t lose your temper or you’re in the penalty box again. Rowan always forgot eventually. That was why the sick game had to go on.

“I did not promise shit.”

“Well I promised.” Rowan whispered back in a broken voice. He slumped against the wall. Tears rolling down his cheeks. “Leave him alone.”

Nice to have a friend Rowan. I had a friend too. Keegan knocked the back of his hand against Rowan’s soft sack. The result was not satisfying enough. He pushed his face close to the boy’s. “Don’t think I know what happened Rowan. You turned my best friend gay. Davon could not handle that. You killed Davon. I know you killed him you seductive little faggot.” Keegan knocked Rowan’s nuts harder. “Too late, wasn’t it? Kim waited too late. Your dad fucked you too, didn’t he?” Keegan loved the thought, it made sense of everything that had happened. “Oh my God you little homosexual skank. You turned your own dad into a faggot.”

Rowan was not even reacting to his words. He had gone off somewhere in his mind Keegan could not follow. Keegan tried to get his attention back by squeezing his sack. He clapped a hand across Rowan’s mouth to muffle the cry. This was the problem with Rowan, he could always push Keegan over the edge, just by being Rowan. Pull back! If he’s too desperate, he won’t care if his mom finds out. He will want to tell someone. Davon’s death was a dangerous moment for all of them, dammit.

Keegan fondled the little penis and tickled Rowan’s slim belly. He stopped, noticing how easily Rowan’s naked body could seduce a normal boy like him. Rowan is dangerous. “You killed my best friend pussy boy. Know this, I am never going to let you forget that. I am never going to forgive you. You are never going to turn me gay like you turned poor Davon. He deserved better than that Rowan.” Rowan was staring at him now. He did not like that. Keegan turned him roughly to the wall. He grabbed a plump cheek and felt the inviting life beneath his hand. “You owe me Rowan. You owe all of Davon’s friends. You owe me big time for the life of my friend.” After that, he walked out of the room. He had to face the next day without Davon’s help.

Rowan sat on the floor after he washed Keegan away as best he could. He was still shaking as he worked his iPad. Hayden answered almost instantly. He must have been sleeping with his Samsung close at hand. “Rat, can we talk for a bit?”

“Sure.” Hayden’s face was suddenly illuminated. It turned stony. “He was bothering you, wasn’t he. He just left. Turn on your light Rowan.” He was reassured when Rowan turned on his desk light.

Rowan could not answer Hayden. “I just needed to talk for a while.” He knew how bad his voice sounded at the moment. He would have turned off the light again, but Hayden needed to see him.

“Enough is enough Pen. It’s time...” Hayden pulled back from whatever he wanted to say. Rowan reminded Hayden that his mom could not know. Hayden closed his eyes for a moment before agreeing. His voice was desolate when he began with, “What do you want to talk about Pen?” After that, he helped Rowan slowly put the pieces back together. When Hayden had done his work, they were giggling softly, both tired beyond words. “Better Pen?” Hayden asked finally. Rowan nodded. “I’ll see you at school Pen.” and then, “Rowan, it will be okay.”

*****

A northwest wind was blowing winter onto the prairies. Rowan’s light windbreaker kept the unwelcome chill away. He was back on the picnic table where he and Hayden sat waiting for the football game. The unused leather journal he had filched from his mom lay across his knees as he rubbed out a word and substituted it with another. A Five Star notebook would not fit into the leather bag beside him, so he had added this new eccentricity to justify carting the purse everywhere he went.

Technically, Rowan was still grounded. He figured an extra half hour or so getting home would pass unnoticed, and going home made him ill. His mom could not hide the fact that she had been talking with his dad, not Robert dad, Kort dad. Rowan was screwing things up in some way between his mom and Robert. The twin dads and the RCMP interview left emotions in the Bressler house raw. Rowan figured his mother would not mind him dragging his feet on a Wednesday.

Rowan had thirty seconds to drop the incriminating contents of his leather bag into the tank of the basement toilet before their parents began ransacking bedrooms looking for drugs. Robert had a knack for hiding places. It made Rowan think he had given the problem some thought when he was a teenager. His mother was not so canny. He trailed behind her as she searched the basement. Rowan’s unexpected friendship with Davon rattled her. His exposure to drugs worried her a great deal.

He sighed and changed another word. Kim generally trusted Rowan. The drug panic subsided, but not the concern that Davon’s death touched his life in some harsh way. They all talked out Davon’s overdose in a gruesome dinner in which Rowan and Keegan took turns masking their reactions to each other’s elaborate fabrications. There was no leeway for recrimination between them at the moment. Suicide or drugs affected everyone. Do not be afraid to reach out for help. If a friend is suffering.... The wrath of God will descend on the Bressler boy who tried drugs in this house. Alcohol was okay in moderation, Robert allowed, taking a sip from his beer. The boys were off the hook while Kim and Robert worked that precept out between them.

Rowan was wondering if he had the guts to share his Haiku in class when he realized a constable was walking toward him. He recognized her from the afternoon at Hobarts and the more than painful interrogation at the dining room table. Running away in panic seemed foolish, so he waited for her to reach him. She settled her utility belt as she sat down beside him. “I think my mother is supposed to be here.” Rowan tried.

“She is. I’m curious about a few things and I thought we could go over them unofficially.” She looked at his notebook, then looked off across the field. Rowan knew exactly what she was curious about. He had dreaded hearing it raised at the interview. “What did Davon mean in his message to you? Why did he say that?”

“I don’t know.” Rowan mumbled.

She read from a small black notepad, though Davon’s last message had been simple enough. “I’m so sorry Ro. Please come back, I didn’t mean it.” She flipped the notepad shut and tucked it away.

Rowan shrugged helplessly. “I don’t know, officer. The fight here in the park maybe?” She pointed out the football fight was Thursday, the message had been sent Saturday afternoon. “I’m sorry, I just don’t know what he meant. Did Davon kill himself? Nobody will say.”

“He was on a cocktail of drugs. He took something laced with carfentanil. Do you know what that is?” Rowan nodded his head. “We don’t think he killed himself Rowan. It was an accident.”

“Talk to his brother Ruben.” Rowan offered bitterly. The notepad came back out and she jotted something down on it.

“Rowan, are you sexually active?”

He tried to hide the fright. “What?” Way too much quaver in his voice. Rowan cleared his throat and looked away from her, aware of the leather bag between them. “Only with myself.” She laughed out loud and he had to grin a little.

“Rowan, Davon was with a boy that afternoon. Somebody suggested it might be you.” She offered it to him very gently.

“Really.” Rowan answered shortly, wondering if Lav or his brother sold him out. It was probably Rey. The brothers had too much to lose. “Do I need to give you a fluid sample officer?”

“A boy phoned in the emergency call from Davon’s mobile phone.”

“It was not me. I was at Hobart’s till I went over to Hayden Ratt’s house. I saw you looking for me it there.” He looked her in the eyes.

“Yes, the bike left by the road. I saw that. You were running out of water and there was no food. It seemed easier to let a sensible boy like you come home on your own.” The constable smiled at him. “It was a sad accident Rowan. It doesn’t really matter if we find the other boy. It’s not your voice, someone older maybe, like your brother.” She paused again. “Is it someone we should worry about?”

“I don’t think so.” Rowan conceded.

“What were you writing?” Schoolwork, Rowan explained. “Can I see?” Rowan sat clutching his notebook undecided. Finally he passed it over. “Dark Thoughts rising, their bitter ashes swept free by your breath on me.” The words seemed stupid when she read them out loud.

“It’s supposed to be a Haiku.” He cleared his throat and took his notebook back. He took his eraser and began rubbing the three lines out. Before he could begin, she stopped him.

“Rowan, its nice. You should share it.”

“It's gay, they will all laugh at me in class.” He needed to come up with something harmless.

“They won’t all laugh. At least share it with the person who won’t laugh.” The constable was making Rowan feel extremely uncomfortable now. He closed the notebook, hiding the three lines. “Woman on the bench, Stealing all his secret thoughts, The boy craves release.” She laughed brightly. “I’ll leave you to your homework Rowan.”

*****

“What are you doing Rat?” Rowan dropped the controller on the couch and went into the back.

“Hmmm? Just looking.” Hayden kicked at Keegan’s brand new hockey bag. The red and black bag was stuffed ready to go. “Wow, its kinda heavy.” He tipped it on its wheels and inched it around a little before letting it drop. He smiled at Rowan and then wrapped a arm around his neck. “I’m ready, do you want to keep playing?”

Keegan stumped down the stairs with Rey, stopped to look at them, then stomped right back up again pushing Rey ahead of him. Rowan almost vomited, Keegan’s threat fresh in his mind. Hayden’s toes wriggled into his side from his end of the couch. Rowan twisted his legs up and they fought each other as they resumed playing.

“Should I come with you to the funeral tomorrow afternoon?”

“It's something I have to do by myself Rat. Davon and I were complicated I guess.”

“Good.” Hayden whispered.

“You okay with me going?” Rowan’s toe dug into Hayden’s stomach, then dropped accidentally down against Hayden’s crotch where it rested furtively. He fantasized Hayden slouched a little against the bottom of his foot.

“Maybe saying goodbye will help a little.” Hayden played with his toes. His friend asked to stay over. Neither set of parents agreed, the weekend would be soon enough. Hayden was uncharacteristically upset. They settled for the Minh's Garden all you can eat buffet compliments of Rowan’s flush Credit Union savings account.

“So, restart the game?” Rowan asked, not much caring either way.

“I thought you and I could start down to Minh’s now, get out of this basement after you change your shirt.” Hayden replied hopefully.

“And I'm changing my shirt, why?” Rowan gave his foot a little giggle.

“Four years we have been best friends and I realized this is the first time we ever went out like this.” Hayden said simply. The Ratt's and Bressler’s were never friends. “Yeah, we’ve shared burgers at the pool or rink umpteen million times. Your mom took us to a movie for your eleventh birthday. This is the first time.”

“First date?” Rowan pulled his feet up.

“Sort of.” Hayden grinned anxiously at him.

“You pick the shirt.”

They walked slowly down the sidewalk, orbiting occasionally around some central point they both had naturally found years ago. Rowan was just starting to stretch up away from Hayden. For now, their eyes still met fearlessly. Something stopped them and they leaned against a tree laughing together. Hayden looked special in the late afternoon.

Rowan pulled his bag around. “I wrote something. It's for English. Mr. B has writing poems.” He tried to convince Hayden he was exasperated by the chore. It was not very convincing. “Take a look and tell me what you think.” He pulled his notebook free and slowly unwrapped the long cord holding the cover closed. He tried for a casual handoff.

“This journal is cool. Nice size to carry around.” Rowan watched Hayden’s face carefully as he read the three lines.

“It's stupid I know. I don't even know what I'm saying!” Rowan wanted to snatch it back. Hayden was just staring at the page now, probably too flustered to look at Rowan. “It's okay, just say it, it’s gay..”

Hayden’s eyes were on him. “It’s a good poem Pen. Thank you for showing it to me.” He read the poem over a second time.

Rowan studied the bark on the tree. “You can keep that notebook. I can grab another from mom’s shelf. She keeps collecting the darn things.” He turned and grabbed the journal out of Hayden's hands. “Just a sec.” when he handed it back, Hayden saw he had added, “by Pen” below the poem.

“Thanks.” Hayden said faintly, as the carefully bound leather journal went into his own mysterious beaded bag. He clapped Rowan on the shoulder. “Come on guy, we have to get to the restaurant. Hayden bounced back. Before they reached Minh’s, they were back to laughing.

“What gives Rat?” Rowan looked at the long table crowded with his friends. Hayden shrugged and said it was a party. Feeling slightly let down, Rowan resigned himself to the new arrangement. “Hey guys!”

“Paul, switch with me. No, this chair.” Hayden maneuvered Rowan into the chair beside Faith. He went down to the other end of the table and sat very pleased with himself. Rowan’s smile faltered momentarily. For the first time, Rowan wished they had not taken opposite sides. He worried it was his poem.

It was dark when they left Minh's Garden with the debris from eight hungry twelve year olds piled on the table. “I disappointed you, I'm sorry.” Hayden apologized softly.

Rowan stopped him with a hand. “That was brilliant Rat. Everyone had a good time, including me. Only, yeah, I was sort of pumped about the idea that it was going to just be the two of us.” They started walking again. “You owe me a dinner Rat.”

“Absolutely.” The back of their hands touched as they moved on.

“What are you doing?” It was time to split. Rowan to head to the old house he hated, and Hayden to the bungalow across town. Hayden kept walking.

“I wanted to walk you home Rowan. I know I can't stay over tonight, but nobody said I can't walk you home.” Rowan caught up and remarked that it was supposed to be him walking Hayden home. “Don’t be silly Pen.”

*****

“Kim, oh I'm sorry, mom, says breakfast is just about ready.” Rowan was at the sink brushing his teeth. Their eyes clashed in the mirror. “On the other hand, I say breakfast has been waiting for you for an hour.” Keegan thought that was pretty funny. He unzipped his fly slowly and opened his pants.

Rowan brushed a few strokes and spit. After he rinsed his mouth he turned. “You would ask me to do this on the day we bury Davon?” Rowan was appalled.

“Yes I would. Don't forget whose fault this is Rowan.” It was easy to get himself hard when Rowan was next to naked and stubborn. The boxer briefs suited his trim body. “You’ll do it now, you’ll do it later. You’ll come over to Rey’s house tonight for the party and do it all again for the boys who really cared for Davon.” Goddamn, having this power over Rowan excited him. “Kim is just upstairs cooking eggs. Should we go have a talk with her? Tell her what you were doing to Davon?” Rowan came to him. “I didn't think so.”