Can’t Stop the Feeling

Rowan straddled Davon, adjusting his seat. He stroked his belly imagining Davon’s shaft reaching up into him. His palms were balanced on Davon's and their fingers were laced together. Roman steadied himself on Davon’s forearms as he started to lift himself up off the shaft. “Go a little faster.” Davon urged.

Keegan gave Davon a key to the back door. Rowan imagined there was a pun wrapped up in that. Two nights after Keegan and Rey left for hockey camp, Davon slipped into the house and surprised Rowan. The fourth night, Davon fell asleep and forgot to leave. Rowan pushed him onto the floor when his mother opened the bedroom door to tell him the parents were off to St. George for the day. It was adult time apparently.

Davon hid until she left, then jumped on Rowan giggling. They peed together in the laundry sink before opting to return to the bedroom. They wrestled together, anticipating the sex, stoking the need in various small ways. When Rowan was as hard as Davon, they coupled.

Rowan closed his eyes, focusing on the slow movement up and down Davon’s shaft. The teenager started reaching up to him as if he feared slipping free. Davon trapped his hips and shoved him down violently on his cock. Davon bucked under him twice, then lay sated beneath him. Rowan could feel Davon shrinking away, sliding until only his crown lay pinched between Rowan’s soft lips.

Davon used the leash to pull Rowan’s lips close. He smelt the teen’s morning breath and suffered the bruising kiss. Rowan did not know what to think of the kissing. It made him shy. Davon began touching his body as if he could rise up and take Rowan yet again. Fingers that must have already memorized each curve of his body took possession again. Rowan reciprocated by fondling Davon’s heavy penis.

“Why is Keegan so mean?” Rowan wondered to the ceiling. “He calls me shit all the time. He hits me.” Davon was silent, his hand stopped, resting on Rowan’s crack.

“You complain too much Rowan. I explained this to you. Straight guys, like us, like it rough. Gay boys, like you, need it rough. Pussy boys need it physical. You just don’t like that you like it, that’s all.”

Rowan shook his head in disagreement, then gasped as Davon assaulted his gay spot with two fingers. “Should I stop?” Rowan begged him to stop, but he kept going. His swaying testicles were caught in another grip and tugged repeatedly. “I’ll keep doing this and you know what will happen? What always happens. You're going to cum.” Rowan begged him to stop over and over again. Two minutes past and then it did not matter anymore. He was climaxing and Davon still would not stop. Rowan curled up on the bed. Fingers sending shocks through his body. “Every time Rowan. It’s in your genes and you just have to stop fighting it.”

“Shut up! I bet if I stuck my fingers up your ass you would explode too!” Rowan pulled away from Davon’s hand. His room reeked of sex. Once again, Rowan was overwhelmed trying to negotiate sex with another person. His body used to be private, something to explore at his own pace without ridicule. “Even if I do feel good when it gets rubbed, that doesn’t mean I like getting sacked or having Keegan strap me like he’s Robert, or getting a titty twister.” Rowan launched himself at Davon’s chest. His fingers latched on Davon’s nipple and gave it a vicious jerk.

They fell back to wrestling on the bed. The tussle moved to the floor. They were both slippery with sweat when Davon finally pinned Rowan beneath the desk. “Why do you have to fight with me baby? You always have to fight with me. I’ll be gone for two weeks kid.” Davon scooped Rowan up and sat on the bed. “Let's have a shower and then I’ll take you out for lunch before I have to go.”

*****

It was strange sleeping undisturbed. Rowan slept poorly, waking in the night when there were strange noises, and then lying awake until he climaxed. The third night he slept peacefully with Hayden’s warm back against his. He slept better after that, then all too soon, it was time for Keegan to be brought back from hockey camp. Rowan pulled his friends into the basement to see the new TV that appeared unexpectedly. While Robert set it up and hooked up their Playstation, he let slip the TV was a present for the boys from Rowan’s dad.

“You would like to see him sometime, wouldn’t you?” Robert paused to ask Rowan sitting on the floor beside him. He bit his lip before nodding. Robert sighed, “Maybe we can get you together sometime.” He added the last of the cables before he continued slowly. “Your mom finds it hard to let go of you Rowan. Don’t be too hard on her about it. She doesn’t want me to know how much she loved Kort, but I could see it. People are strange Rowan, very strange. They fool themselves a lot of the time kid. Kort fooled himself that being gay did not matter to him. Don’t be too hard on him either. A guy has to be who a guy has to be. I never did understand those sorts of guys though. Maybe that’s why your mom loves me so much.” Robert grinned at Rowan. “So show me how this game works.”

After his friends left, Rowan wandered upstairs With his iPad to see his mom. He stepped into Keegan’s room first, just to see how it felt. The room was better without his bed and book shelf. There was an overstuffed chair that would be cozy if Keegan ever sat down to read a book. There was a small table scrounged from somewhere for a desk. It was the room Keegan always wanted, free of a little brother.

His mom was working at the broad tabletop that took up most of the room. The only computer in the house sat in here and nobody messed with it. Her travel bag lay open beside the desk. She would be leaving soon on yet another consulting trip. Rowan sat down on the loveseat. He flipped open his latest book and started to read. They shared the room in comfortable silence.

“You haven’t done this in some time.” Rowan looked up and saw his mom was smiling at him. “Is the new room okay?” It was colder than Rowan liked and he missed having a window for fresh air. Having his own room was nice. Rowan avoided telling her he played video games on his dad’s TV late into the night. “I’m glad it’s working out. I guess Henry is coming back next week to finish the bathroom down there. I suppose it’s a good idea to have another bathroom. You boys are getting so big!”

His mom looked at her work and sighed dramatically for his benefit. She sat on the loveseat next to Rowan and pulled his legs into her lap. “I’m glad you had Hayden and the others over. Who was that dark haired girl? The one with short hair. She was wearing the yellow top.” Rowan rolled his eyes at that and told her Faith’s name. His mother played with the tops of Rowan’s feet. “You have nice friends.”

Rowan asked her where she was going and how long she would be away this time. It was Winnipeg for three days. “Mom, can I come with you this trip?” She smiled at him as she absorbed the question. “You used to take me. It's August and we could spend some time together.” He pressed on, offering arguments. “I’m going to be thirteen soon.” Christmas, she interrupted. “I can watch myself while you work. You’re driving aren’t you?”

‘I’m driving. I suppose you could keep me awake. It would get you out of Henry’s hair while he works in the basement. He could use your bed too.” She paused to think about it. “Okay, Rowan, that sounds like fun.” He jumped on her and gave her a big hug.

*****

Grandpa Tyree and Grandma Finola drove Rey and Keegan back to Kepler for one of their rare visits with the family. Rey slept most of the way. Keegan dozed himself. Between the long days at the rink and getting out onto the lake as often as he could, Keegan was bushed. He was ready to take it easy for a few days.

The coaches had liked his height and weight. Keegan thought he was faster now. He had made some new friends, guys he would be playing against throughout the winter, guys who might play junior hockey with him in a few years. He would do it too, Keegan had the determination. He imagined himself, sixteen, billeted in some Saskatoon home, going to a city high school while he played hockey. It was going to be so sweet.

Tessa was messaging him now. They were just friends at the moment. He sort of let a few of the guys think it was more. You did not take what guys said too seriously. Everyone bullshitted a little. You had to allow for that. Rey let him get away with it. Rey smiled cynically as he told them what getting a blow job from Tessa was like. Keegan worried that Rey knew what he was doing with Rowan.

Rowan was a problem. Keegan felt good about the two weeks away from the boy’s temptation. It was like he had been detoxing on straight boys and his grandma Finola’s baking. Keegan had sworn off Rowan while he was at Fort Qu'appelle. Letting Rowan have sex with him was not healthy. Davon was the fag. His friend would have to deal with Rowan.

Keegan did not see Rowan until everyone sat down for supper. He came in all wet from some pussy game with his friends. When he joined them, Keegan wished he had stayed away. There was the familiar tension between them. People were listening to his explanations and talking about him. Rowan was this silent black hole sucking the joy out of his life. Grandpa Tyree, Grandma Finola, his dad and his wife, that was family. Rowan was just infuriating.

Grandpa Tyree wanted to see the work he had done in the basement. Rowan left them alone while he gave his grandad the tour. This was all his doing and Keegan’s chest swelled when his dad admired the details. They looked over the area where the bathroom would be. That was when Keegan learned grandpa Henry was coming back and Rowan the pest was leaving. The tension drained right out of him. He was even able to sit on the couch in the basement and check out the new TV. He could guess it came from Rowan’s fag father, but Keegan could live with that. He had built Rowan his own room, so he earned the right to take the TV.

The adults took a walk over to the motel in the evening. Keegan settled into his room and then wandered down to the basement. Rowan was playing a game. Keegan noticed new posters on the wall in the kid’s room. There were a few in the family room too. Keegan liked one, but the others were stupid. He ripped them down. “Where did you get this shit?” Friends of Rowan’s of course. It was annoying that Rowan had gotten to break in the room before he had.

They switched games and started playing against each other. Keegan did not much care for playing with Rowan. His stepbrother was too good. He managed to stay ahead of the boy most of the time. They did not talk much. Rowan played, made stupid moves, and avoided looking at Keegan. It was pretty normal, just the way it should be. I could get him to give me head right now. Shove that pretty face right onto my cock and blow two weeks worth of jizz right down his throat. Keegan paused looking at Rowan’s profile. Rowan stopped playing and stared at the TV. Keegan resumed playing with a tight smile. He did not need Rowan. He was done with that shit.

About 12:30 Keegan gave up. He could not sleep. He was probably all keyed up about getting home. Keegan crept down the stairs and got a juice. Some leftovers sang seductive songs to his taste buds, but he closed the fridge firmly. He had kept his diet for two weeks. Before he knew it, Keegan was standing in Rowan’s doorway. He flipped the light switch and glared at the boy. Rowan had not been sleeping either.

“What do you want to do Keegan?” There was the familiar quaver in Rowan’s voice, but something else. Keegan’s cock responded. He tested himself by dragging the cover off of Rowan. He lay naked like he was supposed to, legs slightly parted. Keegan shook his head slightly as he took in the smooth muscular thighs, round cheeks and the long curve of the boy’s back. Keegan cleared his throat.

“I just came to say that I'm done with you. You are not going to get me to fuck you anymore. From now on, you stay away from me. I’m straight. I like girls, not boys. I'm going to have a girlfriend soon.” Rowan just stared back at him, his face flaming with humiliation.

Keegan turned off the light so he would not have to see Rowan’s naked body. He walked right into the laundry area and started beating off into the sink. He is not going to get the satisfaction of serving my cock. The little slut will have to find someone else to fuck his tight ass. It did not take him long to finish. Keegan stroked himself a second time once he was back in his room. As he finally drifted off, he remembered Rowan’s cunt, wet and ready. It seemed a little stupid not to have used it.

*****

The shop was across the street on his way to Cravers Poutinerie. Rowan noticed it the first night as they grabbed a bite to eat after their exhausting eight hour drive. It worked its way into his imagination as he amused himself the first day. He wandered the neighbourhood the second morning window shopping, but mostly gathered his courage.

Rowan walked slowly past the plate glass windows three times. Finally he stopped, barely conscious of the pedestrians reflected in the glass. The women’s lingerie made his eyes pop, but so did a mannequin torso of a man sporting a bulging leather codpiece. The store seemed empty. He took his chance and slipped through the door.

Rowan wandered through the store taking in the diaphanous clothes and contorted toys. The straps with ping pong balls confused him. Leather hoods suggested professional wrestling. That made some sense. He avoided the whips, paused at the handcuffs, then sidled up to a display of rings, beads and straps that might circle his wrist. Rowan missed nothing. He touched the glass before turning to the next case and the fantastic array of penis shapes behind it. Rowan was captivated.

“Get out of here kid, get out of my store!”

Rowan jumped and turned toward the old man. He took an uncertain step back and then stood his ground, bound to the display. The thin old man with wire rim glasses made Rowan quale, but he was drawn back to the counter with the fake penises. He looked down at one of them, then back at the angry old man.

“Give me a break kid. Minors are not allowed in here. Now beat it before I have to explain your being here.” He moved toward the boy but Rowan would not budge. A small hand clung possessively to the counter.

“I want to buy a penis.” Rowan’s voice cracked at the word penis.

The old man’s face softened. “How old are son, thirteen, fourteen?”

“Yes.” Replied Rowan. “I’ll be thirteen December 2nd.” He conceded. The old man stared at him.

“Oh hell, there’s been nobody in here all morning.” The man flipped his sign and locked the door, before lowering the shade. He walked behind the counter and put his fingers delicately on the glass. “What’s on your mind kid.”

“I've never seen things like this before.” Rowan started peering at the array of fallics. Most were plastic, but there were glass ones. They came in all colours and sizes.

The man folded his arms on the counter, watching the boy’s head move from one part of the display to another. “You don’t surf the internet?” Rowan looked up at him and shook his head. He dropped his eyes down quickly. “Do you even know what these things are for?”

“Oh, I know what they are used for.” Rowan stared at a ropy shaft that looked bigger than the zucchini Davon had introduced him to. “Can I look at that penis?”

“Which one?” Rowan pointed and then nodded when the man found the right one. He was fascinated by the swirls of colour in the glass. It was heavy and looked dangerous. He put it down and examined a few more.

“They’re called dildos son. Women buy them, men buy them too.” The man cocked his head. He asked gently, “Were you curious about how it felt?” Rowan replied absently that he knew how it felt. He was absorbed by a plump dildo that felt very realistic. He could not even close his fingers around it. He softly asked if it was an adult penis. “No, those are more realistic.” Rowan followed his finger to a pair of dildos. “Are you gay son?”

“I don't know, probably, I'm a slut I guess.”

“Now who says that?” The man asked gently.

“Keegan.” Rowan reluctantly put the dildo down. He found the switch on another one and glanced up in surprise as it thrummed against the glass countertop.

“Keegan sounds like an asshole.” The man turned off the dildo.

“True that.” Rowan murmured. “But I have the gay spot, so it must be true.”

“How old is Keegan?”

“Fourteen.” The conversation was embarrassing, but Rowan was in Winnipeg, he’d never see this old man again, and it was a relief to be able to just talk about it with someone. “My dad is gay. He left us and now he lives with a man. I'm probably gay too. Please don't call me a faggot. I hate that.” Rowan looked earnestly at the man. Eyes behind the glasses smiled back warmly.

“Hell no.” The old man said. “Kid, where is your gay spot?” Rowan blushed and whispered it was in his bum. “That’s your prostate. It makes the fluid we ejaculate. You know...” Rowan interrupted to say he new about the spurts. “All men have a prostate.”

“Well mine feels good when it gets touched. That’s why I'm a gay slut. Davon said so.”

“Davon eh? Listen, everyone’s prostate feels good when it's massaged kid. You know, you might be gay, boys discover it at your age, but you just might be really horny. Boys discover that at your age too.”

“I’m horny.” Rowan blushed and then laughed sadly.

“Don’t be embarrassed son, that’s part of the joy of being a teenager.”

Rowan had to think about that for a while. He abandoned the dildos and went back to the first counter. “What are these for?” He asked the man. He listened to the explanation of cock rings and anal beads. He turned to look at all the other merchandise on display. He had more questions, but he decided to return to the dildos.

“I want this one I think.” He picked up the long fleshy dildo.

“That’s too big for you.” The man replied. Rowan was encouraged. It sounded like the old man might seriously let him buy one. “I would let you have this one though.” It was the same as the larger one, only it looked like it was about the size of Davon's erection. It would probably fit in his bag too.

“How much does it cost?” Rowan squeezed the soft latex as he examined the tiny mouth at its tip. The combination of strength and velvet resilience was so real.

“That one costs $35 dollars.”

Rowan’s face dropped. “I don't have that much.”

“I understand.” The man carefully began putting the dildos back into his display case, leaving the one he selected for the last. He reached for it and Rowan clapped his hand down on it.

“I have $15 dollars. I could do something...” Rowan kept his eyes on the dildo he desperately wanted, afraid to look at the old man.

“Like what son?” The man’s voice was compassionate.

“What do you want to do?” Rowan whispered as he looked into the man’s eyes.

Rowan never thought the man might let him sweep up the place, take the garbage out, or sort boxes in the back. He had confessed he was a slut, so he was pretty sure the man would fuck him. Instead they went into the back room and the man asked if he could suck Rowan’s cock.

The old man sat before and unbuckled the web belt. His hands were slow and sure. Rowan’s were trembling slightly as he clasped them behind his back. He did not really pull Rowan’s pants off, he simply spread the fly and eased everything down to his thighs. One hand kept the shorts from slipping down as he lifted Rowan’s cock with a gentle finger.

“People probably tell you you’re a good looking boy.” Rowan felt himself swell. The man lifted his shirt a bit as he stroked the hard pan of Rowan’s stomach. “Twelve is a good age to be kid. I’m too old now.” The man’s hands dropped away from Rowan’s body. Rowan was half relieved, but he was hard now and he was anticipating the orgasm. He desperately wanted the dildo. The word, ’please’ was on his lips when the man sucked his cock all the way in. Instead, Rowan closed his eyes with a sigh.

One hand recovered his falling pants and cupped his thigh. The other fondled his scrotum before sliding to his hip, fingers lightly pressing into one fleshy buttock. Rowan twined his stiff fingers behind his back, shackling himself as the man’s lips and tongue played on him. The store of wonders, their talk, and a night of dreams rushed him to the precipice. He imagined the twisted glass dildo sawing at his gay spot and that started the jets.

The man returned to fondling his testicles. They relaxed into his scrotum, the man massaged them out, thanking them for the ejaculation. Finally, the balding head pulled away. “Sorry.” He said quietly. Rowan let the man tuck him away and set his pants back to right.

“No, that was okay.” Rowan wanted to reassure the man. He wanted the dildo he had earned. The old man let him out the alley door, his new dildo safely tucked away in his leather bag. “Thanks.” It was time to find some lunch.

After a lonely swim, Rowan exhausted himself learning how to use the new toy. Davon’s touch excited his body so much. He was grateful Keegan had said he was through with sex. Keegan’s rough anger repulsed Rowan. The whips in the store were ugly reminders of his stepbrother. Rowan wanted the penetration now.

His mom came back to the hotel room to find him sleeping on his bed. She woke him gently and they spent an evening at the movie theatre watching something. Rowan sat in dark beside her wishing they lived alone and there never was a move to Kepler. She drank coffee afterward while he polished off a burger and fries. She listened to him talk.

That night, Rowan eased the now familiar dildo past his soft lips. He thought it clever to name it ‘Peter’. It would be foolish to turn the vibrator on, so he worked Peter silently, eyes on the still mound of his mother in the other bed. He caught his spill in his palm and licked it off his hand. Peter slipped past his ring as the orgasm sent him to sleep.

Rowan washed Peter carefully after his mom had left for her last day of meetings. The old man said this was important. He ate the last of the hard boiled eggs they had brought with his juice. He had a long shower, then lay on the bed naked with his head flung over the edge. He decided Peter was a little bigger than Davon. Peter poked at the back of Rowan’s throat as he tried to take the full length to the small package at Peter’s root. He gave up the attempt and put his clothes on.

The store was very busy. The old man was talking to two hefty women about the flimsy clothing. Some other adults were looking at the displays. Rowan looked up and down the street. He decided to try the alley door. It was unlocked, so he sat on the floor in the storage room waiting for the man to come back. He pulled out his iPad to read.

The old man paused when he saw Rowan sitting on the floor looking at the mini iPad. “Do you live around here?” The man’s voice was unsettled. Rowan looked up and explained he was just visiting Winnipeg with his mom. “Does she know where you are?” Rowan reached into his bag and showed the man his phone. “You can’t keep coming here kid. You are going to get me in trouble.”

“I want some beads.” Rowan’s face burned all the way down to his throat. The man knew he was a sex pervert now. Everyone who came in his store needed sex, Rowan was just another. What did it matter? By supper they would be driving back to Kepler in Assiniboia. He would never get a chance to do this again. He bit his lip to stop it from trembling.

“I suppose you don’t have any money either?” Rowan asked the price. “$20.00 kid” Rowan had ten dollars for lunch. “Well, I can’t steal a boy’s lunch money. Is this the last time I’m going to see you here?” Rowan nodded shyly. “There are people shopping, go sit back there.” The old man pointed at a more secluded location.

The old man came back twenty minutes later. “It’s a good day. Close to the weekend so I guess people are making plans.” Rowan turned off his iPad and slipped it into his bag. “Show me what you were interested in.”

Rowan lingered, mesmerized by the tortured shape of the glass dildo again. Better to just fantasize about such a grotesque thing. His body felt small beside it. “That one, with the string and glass beads.” The man suggested he use a smaller one with graduated sizes of beads. Rowan shook his head. There was something about the four clear marbles that caught his shameful imagination.

“Should we try it?  I warn you, once you do, you’ve bought them.” The man sent him back to the crowded storeroom. He followed moments later with a small bottle. Rowan patted his bag and said he had lubricant, but the man explained it was sensitizing cream. “Today you should take your clothes off.”

He felt very vulnerable. The man’s eyes were on him as he applied lubricant and a dab of the unfamiliar cream on his anus. Playing with himself had prompted his erection. More embarrassment, everyone made Rowan feel like his penis was small and unimportant. They simply praised his cunt. Straight boys took little interest in other boy’s penises Davon explained. They laughed at Rowan’s climaxes as if they were proof he liked being fucked. A few tears dripped down his cheeks as he finished pushing the large beads in. They were smaller than Peter, but he could feel them stacked inside him. They were as exciting as he hoped.

“Are you scared?” Rowan brushed the tears away and shook his head. “It’s okay to make yourself feel good kid. What I’m doing, that’s not okay. I’ve never done this before. It is just that you are so...” The man could not find the word for some reason.

“I know, Davon told me I’m beautiful.” Rowan felt sad. The string with its steel ring dangled from his bum, tickling the back of his thighs, his cock was throbbing in anticipation of the next new experience, so he felt sad.

“Maybe so, but I’m sorry I did not meet you when you were eighteen. You’re going to be an awesome young man too.” Rowan looked at the old man, trying to build a young face out of his features. The words soothed him.

“Tell me when you are really close this time.” He put Rowan on a chair and began to play with him. Rowan was naked and available, so callused hands roamed freely. He was adjusted to that now. Davon loved to feel him too. He liked the sensation of the man’s mouth and understood why Keegan and Davon drove him to service them. Rowan’s cock was young and sensitive beyond enduring.

“God, soon, very soon!” A bead popped out and Rowan yelped. His mouth opened to an extended “Ohh.” It squeezed the air out of his lungs in a drawn out moan. Then he was climaxing in the man’s mouth. It seemed a fresh bead pulled free with each jolt.

Rowan’s legs collapsed for a second. The man caught him in his arms and gently helped him down to the floor. Still dazed by the novelty, Rowan allowed himself to be turned around. His arms and head rested on the chair back as the old man massaged his back. The cream still heated his anus. He was so relaxed when the man penetrated him.

Rowan just stood balanced on the balls of his feet, head resting on his arms as the man gently fucked him. The cream pushed in with each glide filling him with its soft warmth. Hands moved gently over his chest and down to the centre of his being. Fingers cupped him, messaged him, reminded him of the intensity of his orgasm. He had nothing left to give except the velvet smoothness of his body. Rowan stared at the rows of boxes on the shelf before him, his body rocked ever so gently by the gentle man.

The man’s climax came after a long time. Rowan barely noticed. They had coupled in a lazy dream. The man pulled him up with a hand across his chest. The hands wandered one more time, then he was pressed softly against the man’s body. “You’re a beautiful boy. Don’t hate an old man later. Don’t hate yourself either. These teenagers you’ve mentioned, they don’t own you.” He squeezed Rowan a little across the chest. “Clean up, okay?”

When Rowan was dressed, the man came back to the store room. Rowan was still bemused by the sex and not thinking clearly. It was a welcome numbness. He tucked his new beads in beside Peter. “Here, a gift.” Rowan added the special cream to his leather bag. “Forget me please.” Rowan caught the old man’s naked fear, the need for secrets, shame.

“Thanks, I’m...”

But the man cut him off before he could say anymore. He was made to promise he would stop prostituting himself. Rowan was confused. He told the man he didn't have sex for money. “You just did son, twice.” It was gently said.  Rowan finally understood, but he feared that despite the old man’s kind advice and the assurances that his feelings were natural in a boy, he was really just a beautiful slut. A nasty boy born with an available cunt willingly open to the next straight boy who wanted it. Davon saw right through Rowan and the teenager’s leash was still around his waist as a reminder. Rowan would not forget what he had done in Winnipeg.