Fix You

“You’re back early man, what happened?” Keegan walked over to where Davon was flopped on the musty old couch. Grandpa Henry took his destruction as an excuse to wander upstairs. They were in the middle of plumbing the crazy old tin shower Henry had discovered. Keegan did not want to stop. He balanced himself on the arm.

“How’s the bathroom going? Where’s Rowan? I don't know, I felt sick so mom came and got me.” Davon scratched the back of his hand, rubbed his neck irritably. Keegan watched as Davon launched himself off the couch and paced quickly to the TV. He snapped it on and started surfing the channels.

“It’s going pretty good. I’ve learned how to do lots of stuff, that’s cool. You don't look so good Davon. Are you okay?” His friend looked impatient. Davon settled on Sportsnet and dropped the remote.

“We should party here sometime.” Davon wandered to Rowan’s bedroom door. He stood tapping on the plexiglass panel running beside it. Grandpa Henry’s things were strewn about. “Where’s Rowan?” Davon frowned at Keegan.

“He’s on a road trip with Kim.”

“When’s he back?” Davon snapped.

“Too soon, tomorrow I suppose.” It would be fine if some sixteen wheeler flattened Rowan on the way back. Keegan could live with his dad’s grief. Davon relaxed suddenly. He smiled and dropped back on the couch. “I’m okay Keegan, no worries. I was off my game in St. George. Just didn’t have the right intensity. It’s okay dude.” He squeezed Keegan's thigh to reassure him.

Henry stomped down the stairs with three cans of beer. Davon accepted his eagerly. After a polite sip, Henry went back to work. “I’ve got to finish this Davon.”

“Do you mind if I hang out for a bit? My mom and dad are really ragging on me about St. George.” Davon seemed to doze on the couch while Keegan returned to the bathroom. It was over against the wall, directly below the second story bathroom. Grandpa Henry had explained that everything tied into the heavy stack running up the wall. Keegan enjoyed everything about the project except installing the old toilet. He could not forget that he had been shitting into the heavy ceramic bowl all his life. Grandpa Henry just kept teasing him about it too.

Keegan happily forgot Davon and his stepbrother as he fussed with the new plumbing. Grandpa Henry made him feel so responsible. He stood back, sipping his beer, quietly giving him each step. Henry even explained why. Keegan wished his grandpa lived in the basement bedroom instead of Rowan. Keegan cursed quietly. Thinking of the boy distracted him and he glued the wrong end of the PVC. “Just glue the other end quickly and fit them together.” The job was rushed and it no longer looked perfect. Fucking Rowan, Keegan gritted his teeth.

Rowan’s enthusiasm for the work Keegan had done on the bathroom was tepid. He did not seem to appreciate that a third of the house had been transformed just for him. Keegan knew he was not going to run all the way down to the basement every morning. He would keep sharing the upstairs bathroom with their parents. Kim had only put one towel out, just for the little prince. It rankled so much. Keegan hissed, “I hope you enjoy having your own space.”

Rowan flinched from Keegan as if he had heard a threat. Keegan was so put out by his attitude, he had an impulse to punch Rowan. Rowan managed to slip away before Keegan had a chance to send him over to Davon’s house.

Davon, Rey, and Luka Horvat came over stoned. Keegan kept them away from Kim in the basement playing a game. It was more fun to be stoned than be with stoners, Keegan reflected. Davon seemed particularly zoned out. Keegan had to wonder what he had brought back from his brother in St. George. Luka pulled his phone out of his pocket. “I gotta go. Dad wants me to pull Lav out of the pool.”

“I’ll walk over with you.” Davon volunteered. “Lav’s cool. Lav...” Davon explored the word. Lav Horvat was Luka’s baby brother, just a year younger than Keegan. He played hockey, so the consensus was that Lav was okay. Maybe Lav was too quiet. It probably came from having a brother like Luka. “Tell Rowan to to come by.” Were Davon’s final words.

Rey looked over at Keegan. “So Davon still tapping your brother?”

“Stepbrother.” Keegan corrected irritably. “I don’t know.” He lied. It was the first time Rey Dougherty had acknowledged the Saturday party when everything normal unraveled thanks to Rowan.

“The kid still keeping his mouth shut?” Rey did not look at Keegan. His eyes were focussed on the NFL poster next to the TV. “I was telling my cousin...”

“What the fuck were you telling your cousin?” Keegan interjected swiftly. Rey rolled his eyes and looked at Keegan’s alarmed face.

“Relax, no names Keegan, just chill.” Rey turned his eyes back to the poster. “I just said I knew this dude who had made his little stepbrother his bitch and shared him with friends.” Rey reached for the last of his Pepsi. “He asked me if I wanted to fuck one of the cows. Jesus is that boy hard up.” Rey turned to Keegan. “Fuck a cow, how far back in the hills do you have to be to want to do something like that?”

“He does that shit?” Keegan was horrified.

“Cameron did that shit, I shit you not. We were drunk of course.” There was little else to do back in the hills apparently. “I declined. Told him I’d rather fuck Rowan if I was desperate. Which I’m not, but he has to be better than a fucking cow in a pasture. Farm boys are so strange.”

“So you didn’t use my name, or Rowan’s?” Rey’s answer was not reassuring. They sat silent for a bit. “Wouldn’t the cow just walk away?”

“Well, you have to hold its head.” Keegan punched Rey’s arm and asked why he had helped his cousin tap a cow. “I didn’t help him. It was his friends.” Keegan realized that just south of town, there was a group of deranged cow fuckers who knew Rey had a friend in Kepler with a fag for a stepbrother.

“You were supposed to keep your fucking mouth shut Rey. That was the deal.” Keegan took another shot at Rey’s arm. He hated the trap he was in. He started to plan the party he would hold in the basement. Tessa had said she would come with some friends if he threw a party. He wondered if his dad would let them have some beer.

*****

Keegan washed while Rowan dried. Neither noticed Kim in the doorway watching them. “You boys doing okay? You never talk more than a word to each other.”

They both stopped working. After a glance at each other, they started reassuring Kim that things were fine. “Sure we talk mom, Keegan told me about his party tomorrow and I'm going to stay over at Hayden’s so I won't be in the way. Keegan’s going to try out for football next week. He learned a lot about building. He likes his own space. What more do you want to know?”

“Rowan’s reading some book. He lives in the shower. He’s over at the little Indian dancer’s house all day.” Keegan added.

“Okay, I get it. Everything is okay between you.” She laughed and shook her head. “I'm glad I will be away tomorrow night. Let Robert handle all your adolescent friends. I hope you have a good time Keegan.” She added to take the sting off.

“Nēhiyawēwin, not Indian.” Rowan said softly as he continued drying.

“Nee-ja-wee-wee, then.” Keegan snorted, his voice equally soft. “What’s the Cree word for pussy boy?”

“Keegan’s a bully mom. We talk about what wants me do, he beats me up, and tells me how much he wishes I was dead.” Rowan continued softly. He put a plate carefully in the cupboard and took the next dish. Theirs hands brushed over the draining rack.

“Rowan’s a crybaby Kim. He talks to his gay dad behind your back every week. He talks about how he likes to have big cocks up his pretty ass.” Keegan turned his attention to the casserole dish.

“Shut up! I don’t. You have a gay spot too.” Rowan was too loud. “ All guys have one.” He continued in a low voice.

“Real guys use their cocks. Fag boys like it up the ass.”

“Your son makes boys have sex, Robert.” Rowan continued. “He likes to tie me up. He likes to give me to his friends.”

Keegan blushed. “I'm not dragging you over to Davon’s house. We just showed you what you wanted Rowan. What you're good for.” He added, “Gee Kim, your precious little boy wants to be a homosexual freak like his old man.” Keegan loved it when he could get that one in. Rowan’s face just burned. I’ll always own your ass Rowan.

“Pretty ass?” Rowan paused to look at the plate in his hand. “This plate is still dirty.” He held it out for Keegan.

“Fuck off faggot.” Keegan glanced at the plate. “Lick it off.” Rowan waved the plate tentatively. “No seriously, lick it off.” Rowan frowned at him and licked the plate clean. The boy finished up the casserole dish, dropped his towel, and turned to lean against counter. He was silent, arms folded.

“See, Kim shouldn't be so worried. We talk all the time.” Rowan looked at him. Keegan did not like the stormy look. He flicked a finger at the boy’s nose, wanting to break it instead. Rowan batted it away angrily. “Oh no you don't” this was intolerable. The boy's were alone, so he snatched a fistful of Rowan’s t-shirt, pulling him off balance. Rowan was such a light weight. It was so easy to drag Rowan’s struggling body to the stairs and down to the basement.

Just as he predicted, the boy made no sound. Rowan was scared witless of being a fag and disappointing his mother. It was like they were two players who had dropped their gloves on the ice. Kim and Robert would have disregarded the noise as boy's roughhousing in their brand new space.

Keegan knocked the fight out of Rowan, keeping the bruises where their parents would not see them. “Expect Davon tonight. I’ll message him you are waiting. Get off the floor, wash your face.” Keegan had ripped Rowan’s shirt to shreds just to knock some sense into him. He felt sad that Rowan had forced him to lose his temper. It was his weakness. That's what the coaches at camp warned him about. He was useless to himself and the team in the penalty box. Rowan had hurt him a bit, but he kept his head at the end. The little faggot couldn’t make me fuck him. He must be making progress.

*****

The crack of calloused adult palm against childish flesh upset Rowan far more than the broken pieces of his Playmobil Viking ship. He and Hayden had not played with that for years. Even so, it was still important to him. His dad gave it to him on his seventh birthday, the last they had shared together. He stooped to collect two figures from the basement carpet and headed for the backyard.

Rowan set the figures before him on the glass top and rested his chin on his arms as he contemplated the little yellow haired Viking and dusky Cree side by side. Naturally, the ship had been crewed by Indigenous and Settlers equally. He picked up the figure Hayden liked. His finger brushed the white feather and shaggy black hair. Rat had on light leather chaps with beading down the seam. The bow was still in Rat’s hand, Ariel had not lost that. Rowan favoured the Viking Archer. He liked the long yellow mustache and closed visored helmet. Pen had a battle axe in one hand and the black bow in another. You could never have enough weapons....

It was silly to get upset about a stupid toy he never thought about. He set Rat next to Pen and sighed. He should not have screamed at little Ariel. It brought Jack Bressler down the stairs with a beer in his hand. When Rowan realized what he had started, it was too late. Robert’s younger brother was dragging Ariel into his bedroom and she was already crying. Nobody listened when he called out that it did not matter, the broken mast could be fixed with a soldering iron.

Aiyana sat down in the chair across from him. She started reaching for Rat and Pen, so Rowan scooped them up and tucked them in his pocket. She stared at him, hand grasping the empty air. “I’m bored.” Aiyana Bressler announced. She seemed unconcerned by her sister’s punishment or her own part in it. She had been quick to rat on poor Ariel. There was Keegan’s familiar smug look on her round features as she stood listening to her father’s hand strike Ariel’s bare bottom. Robert and Keegan favoured a belt. “There’s nothing to do here.” Aiyana stared at him crossly. She was Keegan’s cousin. He did not understand why he was left to ride herd on them. The sun was warm on his back. He considered taking the girls to the civic pool.

Ariel planted herself on the chair between them. She drew her bare legs up and hugged them with a sniff. Rowan’s eyes shifted her way, then back to the spot where Rat and Pen had stood. They were Bresslers, Rowan did not expect an apology from Ariel. If anything, she was plotting how to trip her older sister up, and maybe trip Rowan too. There was no time to drown the sisters in the civic pool.

“I’ve got some Super Soakers under my bed.” Rowan floated the idea.

“I’m not allowed to touch your things.” Ariel sniffed. “I’ll get whipped again if I get all wet before supper.

“Well, if you guys get changed into your suits, I will take you both on.” The sisters communed telepathically and scrambled for their bags in the family room. Rowan glanced over at old lady Holland’s yard praying for a miracle, but there were no grandchildren visiting. Hayden’s sister Bella was nine like Aiyana. Rowan considered luring the pair over to help him. Bella was a quiet little thing, it would be cruel to subject her to the sisters.

Predictably, Ariel’s punishment had not extended to cleaning up the mess she had made. Rowan gathered the pieces as best he could. He found Rat’s war club in a Viking’s hand and Rowan restored it to his friend. Hayden believed in being well armed too. Many hapless foes had fallen to their wrath over the years. He smiled softly at the two figures before adding them to his leather bag where they would be safe.

The girls were fighting in the bathroom as they changed. Rowan was looking for a place to hide his bag. Jack Bressler was stealing his room and Rowan was resigned to sleeping on the floor in Keegan’s room. He settled on a spot in the floor joists over his bedroom and went back for the water guns. Ariel had tears in her eyes yet again. Her big sister had probably hit her. Aiyana was wearing a two piece that cut into her heavy flesh in the wrong places. Rowan handed them the best weapons and armed himself with three smaller guns.

A quarter of an hour later, Rowan retreated to the front lawn trailed by two shrieking harridans. He skidded to a halt, little girls forgotten. Faith and a friend were cruising by on their bikes. She saw him and turned in a lazy arch bringing her back to the Bressler yard. Water squirted on his back unnoticed as Rowan gazed at her, speechless.

“What’s up Rowan?” Rowan was lost in her eyes. He shrugged with a grin and pointed at the sisters with a full pistol. He squirted Ariel and Aiyana in the face. They giggled, waiting for the game to continue. Rowan turned back to the girl. Faith stood rocking her bike playfully. She ignored his inarticulate male confusion,  filling the space between them with small talk, expertly extracting a few replies, as her girlfriend watched with obvious amusement. “How’s the water fight going girls?” Faith asked the restless sisters. They did not know what to make of Faith. When she turned back to Rowan, he impulsively soaked her face with his gun like some sort of excited premature ejaculation. Her look of surprise was priceless. “Oh Haneefah, he did not just do that, did he?”

“Oh yes he just did Faith!” Haneefah laughed.

Rowan was not sure what to do next, but he should have run. Faith launched herself off the bike and tackled him. As they both fought giggling over the water pistol, the sisters squealed in delight, prancing around them, taking occasional shots at Rowan. Faith snagged the gun from his waistband squirted him back in the face, then she was off him and dancing away to safety. Rowan lay in the grass, heart singing.

Faith shook the gun to check how much water was left, eyes appraising Rowan. “Okay girls, it looks like you need a little help here to even up the sides. What do you think Haneefah? You go on Rowan’s side and I will go on the girls.” She brandished her gun menacingly at Rowan. Ariel and Aiyana babbled their enthusiasm. Rowan stood up pretending to give Faith a scowl. Haneefah took his extra gun good naturedly.

“Okay, Aiyana, Ariel and you get the tap in the back yard. Haneefah and I have the side tap.” He mustered his courage. “You’re going down Faith.”

“In your dreams blondie.”

The war was on, but Haneefah knew she and the girls were mostly spectators. This was going to be all Rowan and Faith until they had managed to make drenched fabric cling translucently to each other’s bodies. Rowan remembered the hose was still attached to the side of the house. He took off to reload.

“What do you hear from Candice?” Keegan could hear a fresh can of beer cracking open behind him.

“Not much, she just picks up the girls when it's her turn and drives away without a word to me.” His uncle Jack replied sourly. The divorce was raw still. Keegan did not much care about it all. “That kid Rowan, what’s it like when he goes to his dad?”

“He doesn’t.” Robert’s voice dropped very low. Keegan could barely hear it. “They have joint custody really, but Kim does everything she can to put off sending him. The guy is such a pansy, he just lets her push him around. He lets the guilt of leaving her get to him.”

“Don’t I know that feeling, Rob.” Jack was sympathetic to Rowan’s father apparently. Keegan thought it would have been better if Rowan was out of his life as often as it was possible. He stood with his token beer in his hand listening to the men, conscious of Kim sorting out supper in the kitchen, and staring at Rowan and the pretty girl dancing around each other in the afternoon sun. The next sip of beer tasted bitter to him.

She was not much of a girl when Keegan considered it. More like a boy, no hips or breasts, she was thinner than Rowan. The friend was starting to develop but she was an underdeveloped little stick. there was nothing to be jealous about here, and yet Keegan felt the burn.

What if it was him outside scrambling around with Tessa? He would play with his pesky cousins if Tessa had decided to show up and join him. Tessa might admire his sacrificing time to play with the little girls. It was easy imagining Tessa winning the wet T-shirt contest. You could picture her breasts.

Rowan retreated around the house, the black girl emptied her gun before joining him. Kim had paused to watch the antics outside. The girl squatted in a huddle before sending them off around the house to ambush Rowan. Her plan was more clever than Keegan thought. As Rowan and her friend came back, Ariel and Aiyana followed dragging the garden hose.

Aiyana could not handle it. The girl took it from her as Rowan closed in. Keegan watched them wrestle for the nozzle, both drenched. “Oh dear lord!” Kim exclaimed. The girl had pulled the front of Rowan’s shorts away and fired the jet down onto his crotch. They were wrestling in the wet grass while Ariel sprayed them both. Keegan had to turn away. He walked past the men and out the front door.

Rowan's girl friends came around the house chattering excitedly back and forth. “He’ll notice you now girl. I can't believe you did that!” They high-fived before the friend noticed Keegan on the steps. They exchanged friendly waves, then the girls were off on their bikes. Rowan got all the breaks.

Rowan was standing in the lawn abandoned by Ariel and Aiyana. Keegan stopped to look at him. His shorts moulded to his body, low on his hips. Water sparkled on his bare shoulders. He brushed a mess of hair out of his eyes and stooped to retrieve a discarded water gun. Rowan turned, searching for the next toy. He noticed Keegan and a flash of white teeth greeted him. “You should have joined us!” The smile faltered as he absorbed Keegan’s black expression. Keegan had not thought it possible to hate the young boy more.

Aiyana and Ariel were complaining about the mosquitoes and the barbecue smoke that seemed to linger without providing any relief from the bugs. Keegan had eaten a burger and eyed the spare patties. His dad was eying him, waiting to shame him if he ate too much. He unenthusiastically took a handful of carrots. Uncle Jack lived smack dab in the centre of Medicine Hat, so once again, he was insincerely envying the rural quiet of their old back yard.

Jack shifted attention the carpentry in the basement and Keegan forgot hunger and Rowan. Kim explained that grandpa Henry had let him do just about everything by himself. Rowan generously added that he liked the family room. He should, his faggot dad bought the TV and PS4. The rest was all Keegan’s though and it had been a while since he could show it off. He still wanted his party. He assembled another burger as he described some of the challenges he faced learning carpentry from Henry.

He might have started to bore the adults because when he paused to chew his third burger, Kim turned to Rowan and asked, “Who were you playing with in the backyard?”

Eyes shifted to Rowan, who blushed and quietly confessed, “She’s Faith. We're in the same room this year.” No mention of the other girl. Keegan could have

“She looked like a nice girl Rowan, a good friend.” Kim smiled indulgently at him.

“Yes Rowan, you can be her best friend.” The malice slipped through a crack. Rowan wilted slightly. He knew what Keegan was saying. Keegan smiled at him innocently. “All the girls think Rowan is a nice boy.”

“I'm glad to hear it.” Kim laughed. She got up to clear some of the mess away.

Keegan could not let it go. “I know Faith’s older sister. She’s a year older than me. She’s dating a jock on the football team. He’s much older. Girls do that Rowan, they go for older guys who play sports.” Keegan did know Faith’s sister vaguely, but he knew nothing about her. His shot had the desired effect. Rowan’s fragile confidence seemed to disintegrate before his eyes.

The adults talked on. Keegan stared at Rowan. He had closed his eyes. Rowan was thinking it through for himself. He looked up finally. Such hatred, and Keegan matched it glare for glare.

*****

The old bolster tipped Rowan on his back and sent his knees bumping into his bruised chest. Davon held them there as he drove in and out. The friction was audible above the bed’s protests. It was not comfortable for Rowan. His ribs ached from the silent fight. It felt good to stand up to Keegan for a while, then it just went back to hurting. He flung an arm over his eyes. Davon did not notice Rowan crying.

Rowan rolled out of Davon’s arms and onto his feet as the teenager collapsed onto the bed. He muttered something and left for the bathroom. Davon had tried to kiss him when he arrived. Rowan endured a small peck on his cheek, then pushed the teenager away. Davon nuzzled his neck instead. Rowan could not think of Davon that way. Sitting on the toilet, he worried the teenager wanted them to be like in the movies. Davon would embarrass him by holding hands on the street like high school students. Kiss him up against his locker in a few weeks. The idea was gross. He had no idea what to do about it.

It was exhausting dealing with these older boys. Sex was easier on your own. The problem was not new to Rowan. There were friends who got in the way, Paul was like that. Paul would see him reading at his desk and keep trying to get him to talk, or expect a commitment to play with him on the playground later. Rowan was forced to make excuses to Paul and tried to avoid him. The best strategy with Paul was to get him distracted by someone else. Zander was good for that, because Paul really liked Zander.

Hayden was a good friend because he knew Rowan inside and out. If Hayden saw Rowan wandering by the playground fence, he seemed to know when Rowan was lonely, or when he was just giving himself a time out. Hayden came to the library to find Rowan because he got that Rowan was being stupid and did not really want to be alone that day. But that was Rat and Pen, not Davon and Rowan. Pen could not ask Rat to help make him feel good. Rowan could ask Davon.

Rowan shook Davon’s shoulder to wake him up. “Davon, wake up! I didn’t feel good.” Davon turned groggy eyes on him. “That wasn’t fun for me.” Keegan was a selfish dick, but Rowan should be able to get Davon to listen to him. Exasperated, Rowan darted in for a hasty peck on the lips. That woke the teenager up. “Get up! Move over!” Davon finally gave way while Rowan arranged the tube of cushion under his hips. He would have done it with Peter if the teens left him alone. They would not, so Davon had to do it. Once he he was settled on the bolster, Rowan whispered, “Do the finger thing. Make me feel good.” He had to coax Davon a little more before first one, then another long slick finger found his prostate. Rowan whispered urgent advice as Davon probed around. Soon Rowan did not care to direct the massage. He did not tell Davon when he had his first orgasm. He just bit the end of the leash, tasting the stale fabric of the web suck the moisture off his tongue. He was oblivious, riding the crest of each wave, dropping down into the tranquil trough and gliding up to the next crest.

Sweat stung his eyes and his armpits dripped. Rowan was content to let Davon enter him a second time. It was direct and honest contact. The coupling was an exchange Rowan understood now. It was free of the boy’s bullshit. The old man was right. He had a right to feel good. Rowan was ensnared in the bruising push-pull ruling his body and the exquisite rewards of adolescence. There was no room for shame and resentment. He was too far gone to even remember his animal pleasure would be punished the next time he talked to his mother, saw Faith, or lied to Hayden.

They stepped outside the backdoor looking for the dry prairie air. The cement chilled Rowan’s bare feet. The August night licked the sweat from his body. He wandered to the back yard, followed by Davon. They sat on the patio below Keegan’s window. Davon rooted a ziplock bag out of his pocket. He lit a stone pipe and after a drag, offered it to Rowan.

“That stuff makes me feel bad.” He declined in a whisper.

“No it doesn’t.” Then Davon thought better of it. “Suit yourself little boy.”

“Where do you get that shit anyway?” Davon said it was his older brother. Rowan pointed toward Keegan’s window. There was no point in waking that problem.

Rowan would have been confused if someone told him he felt an afterglow from the sex. His body was stressed from too much anal stimulation. There would be a price to pay for the bruising from his basement fight and the aggression of male sex. It would be atonement for the pleasure he had just allowed himself. Rowan would not understand that comforting rationalization if he had been aware he was using it. Book smart as he was, his emerging adolescent drives confused him.

“It's going to suck when school starts. Getting up in the morning is going to make sneaking over here a drag. You aren't doing any sports after school, but I'm expected to to do it all.” Davon was getting louder. “I'm so tired of all that.”

Rowan did not need Davon telling him that the sex was not over, neither was Keegan’s bullying. The afterglow washed away in a wave of bitterness. He wanted to shriek, leave me alone! I don't want you, but what Rowan wanted no longer mattered it seemed. When he thought about it, what he wanted did not seem to matter to anyone. Certainly not his mother and father. “What do you want to do?” Rowan asked dully.