Date: Tue, 26 Oct 1999 23:01:28 -0400 From: Sidney Gittler Subject: Mall Punk: Ruminations This episode refers to but does not include any sexual scenes. Jon's explanation in the last section is obviously mine, but no peeking. As always, all comments are welcomed at sidg@compuserve.com. I'll get back to the main story next episode. Enjoy and thanks. Mall Punk: Ruminations by Sid Gittler Copyright 1999 Joseph Werner: What a freaking year this has been. The changes in my life are just so overwhelming. A year ago I was just another fourteen-year-old boy. Well, not exactly normal but I didn't think it was any big deal, as long as nobody else knew. Well it's not a secret anymore. I guess I knew I was gay when I was eleven. Watching ABC's TGIF lineup, especially "Boy Meets World," I wasn't watching the girls, it was the boys that interested me, and not because I liked their characters better. When Hansen came on the scene I was in love, even wrote them a fan letter. I've got an autographed picture hidden away somewhere. The next year I saw a movie or TV show or something and began to understand what being homosexual meant. Some of it was scary, especially when those preachers started going on and on about pansies and faggots and child molesters. That I'd die alone and of horrible diseases by the time I was thirty. But then I took the time to learn the truth, mostly thanks to various web sites, and not just chat rooms thank you. By the time I was fourteen I was comfortable with being gay. Which was a very good thing. Because along came Fido. The first time we spoke, by the mall's Santa exhibit, I sensed something special. I never told him but I went to the mall every day after that until I finally found him. By the time I treated him to lunch at the food court he'd told me he was a throw-a-way. I quickly realized this was the boy who'd crashed at a bunch of my friends houses, and blown them as payment. I'd already offered to let him crash and was ecstatic when he said yes. He's already told you that story, and about our long weekend together. While being introduced to real sex was great the most important moment for me was when he told me his name was Jon. I knew that it represented a first small step toward salvation for him. I like to think that if it wasn't for me Jon wouldn't have been as receptive when Stya came into his life. Our lives really. I nearly came out to my parents the night they came home that President's Day, and I was going to tell them I wanted Jon to live with us. Something made me chicken out though. I guess I wasn't ready to go that far. Then. Now, it doesn't make any difference. We're in each other's houses almost all the time we're not in school. We've got a lot of friends from school, and we still see some of the guys from the Y and my old school, but Longston Academy does give us a lot of homework. A hell of a lot of homework. Being with Jon has opened my eyes to a whole other side of life. Remember that boy in architecture class the day Jon and I were outed? I felt the same way he did, that kind of thing didn't happen in towns like Longston. Then I met Jon, then Ton Ton and now Jeff. Heard the problems discussed in our Gay & Straight group meetings at school. Those are the days I go home from school and hug my parents and brother Greg, and thank them for being as loving and supportive from day one. It's almost a full year since the first time I met the love of my life. Some might say that was the happiest day of their life. I can't say that, because I keep getting happier and happier. Jeff Aaronson I just wanted to let all of you know I'm getting better physically. And in my head. That part's going to take longer. I'm living with Doc Montoya and his wife now. My sisters went to live with our aunt and uncle but he's his brother and while I don't think he'd do the same stuff to me they look so alike I couldn't go there. Doc and Flora have been really cool, letting me talk when I want, be quiet and cuddle when I want, and doing parent and kid kinds of things. And really, really wanting to do it and not just making a show for family and other parents like he did. Getting to know Jon and especially Ton Ton has been really great. All those years I thought I was the only one. I mean how could there be another boy so shitty and worthless, like he kept telling me, that I deserved being abused in every way. God do I hate him. There are times I wonder why he didn't just kill me like he did my mom. But then he might have started on my sisters. Ton Ton lives a few blocks away and we'll be in the same school once I'm ready to go back. Hopefully after Christmas vacation. Oh, and my friends in Pooh Corner all got better and went home. Manuel Rivera's dad came in one night and told us he'd just gotten a grande promotion to head janitor, making enough money so Manuel's big brother could go back to school. Said his boss was really mad he hadn't told him about the money problems and all. Ton Ton and his dad just smiled when I told them the whole story, and I think they're keeping a secret from me. I know it's almost Christmas and not Easter but I feel like I've been reborn. Thanks to everybody who asked about me, and keep the faith as Doc likes to say. Barton Finch I'm not really sure why Jon asked me to contribute to this chapter. I really don't know what he's told you about me so far, and he's told me very little about his life before. I know about his turning tricks with men and exchanging sex for a place to crash with boys before he met his dad. But that, and everything that came before it, isn't really important to me. I mean I know about his being abused and isolated, and that some situations still aren't easy for him. But I'm glad I didn't know he wasn't just a runaway before I invited him to the party and got him to my room. I mean I had to invite all the incoming freshmen but I definitely wouldn't have taken him to my room with sex in mind. While trying to use him wasn't right in any event it was the big step in my coming out to myself. Yes I knew I liked boys better than girls but without everything with Jon from that day to now I'd still be the good boy buried in the closet. I was scared to death when I told my parents. They looked at each and then back at me. My father smiled and said, "It's about time you accepted it and told us. But you're our son we don't care if your straight or gay. We love you." Tony Calluchio and I are dating, much to everybody's amazement, including ours. Our histories couldn't be more different, and yet there's a bond that goes beyond being two gay teens in heat. He made me promise not to tell his story but suffice it to say he's almost moved into my home, and not just for the constant sex. Which there is when we aren't doing our homework. School has been really cool too. Nobody said anything negative about me being gay and class president. Probably because they knew Headmaster would string them up if they did. The Longston Academy Gay and Straight Student Alliance has really taken off. It's the most successful new student group this year. We usually have twenty-five to thirty boys and girls at every meeting, and not always the same ones. The rap groups have gotten intense sometimes, and a couple of the speakers were really provocative. A couple of them in more ways than one if you get the idea. Oh, before I close, Tony tells me to write that he's stayed off drugs and booze. But that some days are harder than others. So please don't start. Reuben Lowell In case you don't remember me I'm Stya's partner's older son, by ten minutes. My brother and I met Jon and Joe at that baseball game last June. While it might have been their first game, it wasn't mine. Nor was it my last of the season, but it was certainly the most memorable. Dad hadn't really told us anything about Jon's life, really only that he was Uncle Stya's foster son. I was only twelve and a half then and had no idea what that really meant besides Jon wasn't living with his own parents. We were having a great time and we headed off to the batting cage. I started griping, you know normal kid stuff about brother and parents. Then Jon gave me the lesson of my life. He never raised his voice, in fact it got softer as he went along, pouring his feelings out. Thank God he didn't go into the more gruesome sexual details, I don't know if I could have taken that. I was never mad at him for doing that to me. No, that's not really what I want to say, but I don't want to erase it either. There were times I wondered why he was piling all his shit on top of me, almost a stranger. Then as it hit closer and closer to home I realized he needed to tell me. Part to get it off his chest, but also in a way to make me appreciate what I have. When he came back into the box was really the only time I was scared. I didn't know what Dad or Uncle Stya would do to him. I didn't think they'd hit him but even being yelled at would have hurt him as shaken as he had been when he'd sent me away. When Stya spoke softly and wrapped him in his arms it made me feel so good. And I've never bitched about anyone or anything, or claimed something was unfair again. Well, at least not much. Thanks for letting me add this Jon. Donald Werner I'm going to try and keep this brief. Joe, your mom and I love you. Don't care if you're gay or straight as long as you're happy. It was a bit of a shock when you told us, but more because of the way you told us. Though we didn't give you much choice I guess. Knowing and accepting my brother's sexual orientation helped a lot, but still, it is different when it's your son. I wanted the usual for you, including children. I know you're only fifteen and that times are changing, but the possibility, probability that you won't have the joy of raising your child, my grandchild did, and does hurt a bit. But as I said, you're only fifteen, and that gives you a lot of time to make those kind of choices. And Lamont and I are looking to acquire a biogenetic engineering company, so who knows. Stya, I know I've told you in person but I want to say here how much I appreciate what you've done for my family. The support you've given Joe, welcoming him into your home and heart. Even as he altered your relationship with Jon. I've never seen Eric happier because of you. Not only because of your relationship with him but because he'd never considered fatherhood before, and now he's got Ton Ton in his life. Jon, I love you too. Honestly, once I knew the truth about you, that my boss was your father and indirectly responsible for your abuse it caused a lot of inner conflict. When Lamont knew I knew we had a long talk. A very long talk. There are parts I will never understand but we've reestablished our working relationship, and even our friendship. But more importantly you are a great kid, and the best thing that could have happened to my son. My wife and I look forward to having you in our family for a long, long time to come. Betty Collins I know, what the heck is a girl doing here. Well since the only straight guys so far are either too young or old enough to be my dad I'm definitely not here as a love interest or sex toy. What I am is Jon, Joe and Barton's friend, and I don't think that makes me a fag hag. After all I do have a boyfriend who I don't let hang out with those three by himself. Yeah, I think Michael's really cute. Barton and I have been friends for years and I guess I was the first one he told about his gay feelings. It shook me a little bit, especially since it meant my crush was crushed. Then he has the gall to invite me to a party at his house and introduce me to this blond hunk. Sure the guy was a little shy, didn't even make eye contact with me. But he seemed so nice and smart that I decided to go after him once school started. I know what that makes me sound like but he is so good looking. And that fink of a best friend never said a word that he knew Jonathan Sorrel was gay too. As one of the straight members of the Longston Academy Gay and Straight Student Alliance it's really been a learning experience. Now that I'm dating Michael, he hates Mike, I no longer have to deny being a lesbian. What's really been eye opening is how some kids come out at a meeting but won't, can't, come out to their families or other friends. They are so miserable in their tiny closets that the tiny ray of sunshine the meetings provide is a lifeline. One, a senior, told how he considered suicide for a long time, and is still holding on to life by a thread, and the knowledge that next year he's got a full academic scholarship to college so he can come out. I talked about it with my parents and they said it was like when they were kids and even here in New Jersey interracial dating was out of the question. Dad said it took his parents a while to accept that his best friend was African-American, and they considered themselves liberal. I guess I see what he means. The concept of equality is great but the implications of the mingling can cause a lot of anxiety. To all three of you, take care and be good to yourselves. And Tony, take care of yourself and my Barton. Richard Halsey I was really surprised, and honored, when Jonathan asked me to participate in this project. We have crossed the borders of normal teacher-student relationships. No, not that way, I would never have a sexual relationship with any student at the school. The day we did the pre-admission testing I saw there was something special inside him. With what I'd learned Jon's being there was a major test of character and willpower. And that's without knowing as much of his story as I do know. Before the incident in Mr. Zephyr's class I didn't know about the whoring. Jon says he was terrified then but I think most adults would have run from the room and never shown their face here again. Now he's one of the leaders of the gay-straight group. That special quality is not just in Jon's character but intellectually as well. I know what those test scores showed but that's not the same as doing it in a classroom with a bunch of other boys and girls. His first quarters report card was all As and Bs. Yes I gave him an A, but believe me he earned it. Robert Zephyr When Dick Halsey told me about this project I asked Jon if I could contribute. Jonathan Sorrel is the brightest student I've had in my over twenty-years of teaching, and that goes back to the dark ages when we used T-squares and graph paper. He's also one of the bravest. I've had fights in my classes, even at Longston, every teacher's had those. This was different and while hindsight has made me apologize to Jon for the way I handled my discovery I had no idea this was going to explode in our faces. I just wanted to show the other students what they could accomplish with more effort. I know he was nervous from the second he saw the screen but he and Joe handled it better than I would have, that day, and when they returned from Arizona. I guess his life before he got here gave him a strong backbone and a will to survive, but I also know abused children can be emotionally fragile too. I saw that later when I looked through my window and saw him and Jon holding each other. That night I went home and called my son Paul. I hadn't talked to him in the ten years since he told me he was gay. Eric Werner: Before I start, Ton Ton apologizes for not writing anything himself. He says he loves and thanks you but can't really put his feelings into words. To quote my nephew: "What a freaking year this has been. The changes in my life are just so overwhelming." If you would have told me this spring that I would end the year with a lover and a son I would have just shook my head. A lover, I was having enough trouble finding someone to date regularly. Then my nephew sets me up with a guy I used to razz on in high school! Like most gay guys I had basically given up on the idea of fatherhood. The odds of my getting approved for adoption or being a foster parent just seemed too long, especially with my work schedule. Then the four of us go away on vacation and I come back with a son! OK, so Ton Ton went to his aunt for a while before it became permanent, but I missed him. Badly. If he hadn't come back I would have talked to Sheriff Maskovitz, Stya's dad, about adopting or foster. Being a father makes me feel complete even more than being with Stya does. Don't get me wrong, I love Stya more than any man I've ever known. But we both agree that our sons do come first in our lives. What is hard at times is dealing with Ton Ton's nightmares and his sexual desires. The nightmares are coming less frequently, but I end up sleeping in either the chair by his bed or he's in mine. Jon, Joe, I'm glad you've taught him the proper sexual use of his body. And that you're comfortable enough to let a younger boy fulfill his needs with you. While I know, and accept, that Jon and Stya had a sexual relationship it's not something I could do with my son. Maybe it's the fourteen versus ten issue or the differing ways we got together or something else. It's funny, normally I would be horrified about a ten-year-old boy or girl having sex, even fifteen-year-old, but I understand the importance of it in his and your lives. Don, thanks big brother. For giving me the time to make this work, for the support you've always given me and that you and Paulette are giving Joe now. The support you give all of us in making our mixed bag work. Jon, you've made Joe so happy this past year. Even more, through you, or because of you, he's grown up so much that I hope he hasn't forgotten he's still a kid. Especially since you're still learning to be one. Joe, I'm proud of you. What you've done and who you've become. Especially setting me up with Stya and helping me with Ton Ton. Stya, I love you. I want, need, our relationship to continue and move forward. I know we've avoided some areas, but the time will come. Right now all I can say is that being with you makes me feel so good. I want us together for years and years to come. Lamont Sorrel: What do I say? What can I say? I know what I can't ask for, and that's forgiveness from my youngest son. That is for him to give when he is ready. I don't even know if I'll be able to accept it, but I look forward to it. In the meantime I'm glad to say we are communicating for the first time in our lives. Sometimes, like at his birthday party, it's really great. Some times it's really, really rough. There's something I do want to tell Jon and everybody else who's going to read this though. Paul Giladee was right about Robin and me. My first wife and I had divorced a year before I even met Robin. We hired the advertising company she worked for and they assigned her to lead the account. Robin was everything she wasn't and it wasn't long before business lunches turned personal. Six months later we were married and so began the happiest four years of my life. The day Jonathan was born was so special. I mean so were my first three sons, and I loved them dearly and gave them everything I could. I even remarried their mother for them. A mistake I will not repeat a third time. Stya, I want to thank you for being the father I never was, I guess never could be. You've made him a happy boy for the first time since we put his mother in the ground. Did I ever tell you he has her eyes, her face? Jon I love you. Stya Maskovitz: I almost feel like Lamont does, Joe does, just about everybody else who has contributed to this effort. And more so. When I walked out of the theater just over eight months ago the only thoughts on my mind revolved around getting a bite to eat before heading home for bed. I walked through the outer doors and saw him. This boy standing shivering in the cold, alone. Alone, and sexy as hell, I won't deny it. I figured I was doing him a favor by giving him a place to stay for the night in exchange for some sex. A deal I figured he'd made before. Thought he might even be willing to get into some rough stuff with the way he was dressed. I left him in the basement, went upstairs and stripped. Started back down the steps, and my whole world changed. Fido changed from a sex toy to a young boy. I know we still had sex that night, and the next morning, but something changed inside me when I walked down those steps. And I haven't regretted it for a second. Having Jonathan with me has changed my life completely. For the first time I've really had to put somebody else first. Even with live-in lovers I hadn't really done that. Some might say it was because he needed me, depended on me. Part of that's in there, even the sympathy factor, but it goes deeper than that. He woke my soul, my spirit from a long, long slumber. He woke parts of me that had never been awake, like the need to nurture. How do I feel about Joe? I love him for who he is and what he means to my son. I love him for turning Jon into my son. The sex Jon and I had was great, but got in the way of our being truly father and son. With Joe in his life and Eric in mine that part just faded away naturally and we moved to a new stage of our relationship. Eric, I love you and want you in my life forever. Eric and Ton Ton, we love you and want you in our lives forever. Between work and our kids it becomes complicated at times but it will work. Dad, mom, what can I say. I know this has been a joy for you, but an adjustment as well. I appreciate your help and support. The advice when things were rough. Dad, I know I put you in a really tough spot with Jon, and I really appreciate it. Without your help and love I don't know what I would have done. To everyone else, thanks. Jon, I love you more than anyone else in the world. Nobody will ever come between us my son. My son, the two most beautiful words I've ever said or written. I won't pretend it's always been easy or it will always be easy, but we'll make it. Eight months ago I met Fido and then Jonathan started peeking out. You've gone through a lot since that night and I marvel at the changes in you. You survived the years and years of abuse and neglect and you've become a whole person. Jon, I love you more than anyone else in the world. Jonathan Sorrel When I decided to do this chapter in my story this way I never expected the responses I got. This gap between Thanksgiving and Christmas seemed the perfect time to get the people I've been writing about to talk themselves. While I didn't expect anybody to say I was a louse I didn't expect this. Thanks everybody, I love all of you. Ton Ton and Jeff, I know what you're going through. We live through it and wonder how. Curse God for doing it to us, and pray to him to get us through it and to a better life. We've gotten that better life, and we have to work at it to make it work, to get to the place we deserve to be. In the arms of someone who loves us. Eric, you've become an important part of my life because of everybody I guess. Between Joe, Ton Ton and Stya you've become bound into my life. I admit I was obscenely jealous and upset when you and Stya went out on your first date. I guess I ruined it for you, but I'm glad you were understanding and gave Stya and me another chance. But I was so scared of losing Stya that I couldn't think straight, didn't have the concept that he could have a relationship with you and it wouldn't affect him and me. Lamont, I'm sorry, I can't say those words yet. But I love having you in my life and supporting me when I needed it. When you showed up at school that day it made such a difference to me. The fact that you were willing to walk up to the mike and support your gay "cousin" means a lot to me. For Christmas I'd like to meet my nephews. You work it out with their mothers how we do it, and I don't even care how I get introduced. I just want to see them, and hope I never see their fathers again. I sort of understand Peter, but never them. Joe, my lover, my partner, my best friend. I've known you longer than Stya and I think you're right. If I hadn't experienced you I might not have been able to trust Stya and who knows what would have happened. You held me when I needed it. You came out of the closet for me twice when I needed you. The ways you make me feel when we're making love is precious beyond the sexual joy. The inscription on the ring I gave you for your birthday, I mean it more today than then. "JS & JW Forever" Dad, thanks for picking me up, seeing something that night that I would have thought was gone forever, if it had ever been there. I don't know what it was but I'm glad you saw it. Lamont's told me I was a happy baby and enjoyed life until my mother's death but for me I was conceived when I slipped through the gates, began the delivery process when I met Joe and entered the world when I met you. I knew Joe liked me, cared about me but I just figured it was being able to have sex without being afraid of being outed. I know better now, but then I know a lot of things better now. I'm glad too that we've truly become father and son these last few months. You taught me the difference between sex and making love. More importantly you taught me about being there for the person you love. I know it hasn't been easy sometimes, but I love you. I don't know what my future holds, but thanks to all the people who've been part of my life for the last twelve-and-a-half months I have one. Thanks.