Dear Reader:

This story was started several years ago back in 2014. I never finished it as I myself went into a dark place for a while, and when I came back, I did not want to continue this story. Recently, in the last several days I have been thinking hard about the past, and was reminded of this story.

As I re-read the story, I was not anticipating the emotions that I would experience.

I have revamped parts of it, changed some of the situations, but the story is the same. It is not about the sex, even though it is implied. It is about the journey that people take, or, as the title suggests, the challenges we face.

This story is a work of fiction, but I do draw on parts of my life, or at least parts I wished may have happened. The locations are real however.

This is the first half of the story, Parts I - X.

If you have stumbled upon this again, and remember it, drop me a line. If you are new, drop me a line as well. I attempt to answer all emails.

May we all meet our Challenges head on,

Matt (Socks)

If you have comments, please email them to sockingsaw@hotmail.com

Also, if you would be so kind as to considering donating to the nifty archive? The stories would not be possible without them.

Challenges

Part I  

*** Modern Day***

The plane banked west as it made its final approach to the Albuquerque International Airport. Beneath the plane Justin Leary saw the Rio Grande snake through the Bosque on its way south. He always loved flying into this airport for the view it offered.

“Ladies and gentlemen, we are making our final approach. Please have all seats and trays in their upright position and have any trash ready for pick up by the cabin crew.” The stewardess made the announcement as the other two stewards walked down the aisle. The plane was not full, which was nice since Justin got to sit by himself. It was also nice because he had the opportunity to talk to one of the stewards: Jason Hill. 

Over the course of the trip from Seattle, Washington they were able to have a bit of chit chat about life. He seemed like a nice guy, and even wanted to chat with him again. He had asked how long he would be in New Mexico, and if he had the chance to call him when he got back to Seattle.

“Any trash?” Jason broke Justin’s train of thought and pulled him from the window. 

“No.” Justin grinned. The man was highly attractive, which was odd as he was not his type. He had the ‘California surfer boy’ look to him. “Thanks.”

Jason smiled back and walked the next set of people behind him. Justin sighed sharply and turned his attention back to the window. They were slowly getting closer to the ground. He did not like landing as it always scared him. He looked up towards the front of the plan and saw the female steward buckle into her chair. It must have sucked to have to face backwards on a plane. 

20 minutes later the plane had landed and was at the gate. Justin took his time getting his things together as he wanted to take his time to get off. He wanted to see if he could say bye to Jason. 

“You going to get off?” Jason came up teasing him. 

“I will.” Justin laughed. For some reason he liked talking to Jason and he had a good personality.

“I was hoping to say bye first.”

“Aww.” Jason slugged him a bit on the shoulder. “Thanks.” He picked up the luggage that was sitting on the chair. “Let me help you.”

“Thanks.” They walked to the front of the plane where the captain had opened the door and was visiting with the other stewards. He glanced up and saw Justin and Jason heading up front. He smiled at both of them but kept talking.

“I usually work these flights from Seattle to Albuquerque, so maybe I will see you on the way home.” Jason said hopefully. “If not, call me when you get home.”

“I will.” Justin wanted to hug the man but thought better. A bit awkward with the rest of the crew standing there, and he wasn’t sure if Jason was that type of guy. 

After taking his luggage from Jason, Justin walked down the gangway.

As he exited into the terminal he made his way to the rental car area and pulled out his phone and dialed a number.

“Hey mom. I landed.” He said as his mother picked up. “Yes. It was a good flight. No, I should be there in an hour or so.” He said his goodbyes and hung up. 

After he picked up the keys to his rental he made his way out and onto the interstate to head south. His home town was a small city 70 miles to the south. He grew up there, but after high school he left the town and went to college, and then moved to Seattle to work. He liked coming home when he could, but his mother tended to be on the not-so-supportive side of his life. 

This trip was a bit different too. An old romance he had, contacted him several weeks ago as he was planning to come home. The email he received stated that he had heard that he was heading to town and wanted to see him as he had some important news to give. Justin did not email him back as he was not sure he wanted to open that wound again. 

Heading south on I-25 he passed the edge of Albuquerque and crossed the Rio Grande which was running hard after the rain that they had the past few days. He turned the radio on and relaxed as he headed south to his old stomping grounds.

***

An hour later he pulled off the interstate and a sign that read “Socorro/Magdalene.” The town was one of the first places the conquistadors stopped on their way up north from Mexico and the exploration for more gold: The fabled Seven Cities of Gold. The town was famous for New Mexico Tech, its full name New Mexico Institution of Technology and Mining,  and the Very Large Array, or the VLA as it was commonly referred to, in the west. He had been to the VLA as a kid several times and was amazed at the large dishes that looked up into the sky for exploration and the possibility for life. He missed those days of being amazed at the simplest things.

Before heading home he took a side trip. His old romance lived on the west side of town near the large mountain with an “M” on it. He decided he would see if he was home and surprise him. He wasn’t sure what to expect, but he figured he had nothing to lose. He knew the romance was gone, but he would like to see an old friend. 

His friend lived in a simple house that was white, and had some acreage to it. He always felt that this house felt more like a home than his. Horses were grazing in the last field as he drove past. He slowed when he saw a large number of cars outside the house, and people dressed nicely, moving around in the back area of the house. Loud music was playing under a large tent. Justin sighed under his breath. He will just come back later. As he started to drive away he noticed a large banner was hung next to the house: “Congratulations Nate & Sarah.” Justin swallowed hard. That must have been what Nate wanted to tell him: he was getting married. He continued down the road and turned the car back towards the east to his parent’s house. Why would he bother with that bit of news?

***

Since Socorro was not that large, it only took a short 10 minutes to get to his parents house. Before getting home he pulled over to the side of the road and laid his head against the car seat. He was not sure why he felt like he had lost something, but after seeing the banner he could not help but feel betrayed and hurt. He sighed again and pulled out his phone. He had to talk to Sharron.

The phone rang three times before getting picked up.

“Lucy’s House of Whores.” A female voice picked up.

“Hey Sharron.” Justin laughed a bit but his current mood did not obscure his foul mood.

“Aww,” Sharron cooed through the phone. “What’s wrong pumpkin?”

“I drove by Nate's house. Apparently Nate wanted to see me to tell me he was getting married. I didn’t stop.”

“That slut!” Sharron spewed through the phone. “ I am sorry love.”

Justin had to laugh a bit. Sharron always liked to over dramatize the situation, but in this case it made him laugh.

“It’s okay. “ Justin smiled. “I met a guy on the airplane.”

“Ohh. Not a complete loss?”

“No. I got his number. He wants to meet up when I get back to Seattle.”

“You go girl!” Sharron said. In the background the bell to her shop dinged. “Gotta go love. Be safe!”

“Bye.”

Justin hung up and grinned. He had met Sharron a week after he arrived in Washington. He was lost and she had helped him find his way, and they had been good friends ever since. She ran a small dress shop, which sold custom made dresses. 

Justin started moving the car again. He was almost home. He loved his parents, even if they were a bit conservative. His mom never truly accepted his sexuality. His dad was a closed person to begin with, and didn’t seem to care one way or the other. They did love him, and he was always welcome home. He sometimes wanted to talk about his sadness and romances with other guys, but there was never the comfort to do so.

His parents lived in a large two story country style building on the east side of town. They owned almost 20 acres of land that was adjacent to the house, and another 100 acres to the north that was separate. His father raised a few sheep, but most of his farming was in livestock feed. 

He pulled down the dirt driveway, and pulled in next to his parent’s truck. Sandy and Cougar, his parent’s labs, were at the gate waiting to greet him.

“Hey boys!” Justin said as he got out of the car. “Did you miss me?” They wagged their tails harder.

With all the commotion outside his mother came to the door and opened it.

“Hey son!” his mother called out.

“Hey mom.” Justin was pulling his luggage from the back of the car and rolled it up to the front gate. The labs were even more excited the closer he got. “Get down. Get down.” He pushed them back as he made his way through the gate. 

Inside he put his luggage off to the side and hugged his mom.

“Are you hungry?” She asked as she looked at him. “You don’t eat well there Seattle. No good woman to take care of you.”

“Mom!” Justin started to protest, but knew it would get him nowhere. His mom always brought up that he needed to find a good girl to settle down with. She just did not get that he was not into women. He liked them enough, but only as friends, but there was never passion or excitement.

Growing up in a religious Mormon family was not easy. It was difficult to find a balance between his belief in God and his own sexuality. He had been taught that homosexuality was a sin, and that it was something the devil used to bring people away from God. When he was 13, Justin knew something was different, and that what was expected of him by others were not his own personal feelings. By the time he was 14 he knew without a doubt that he was attracted to boys and not to the girls. 

These feelings became more evident when he went to church dances. Once a month one of the churches in his district would hold a dance for the area youth. The goal was for good wholesome fun, where contact could be had, with proper adult supervision. He would go because it gave him a chance to get out with his friends. He never had a lack of dance partners, but he never enjoyed the dance itself. As he would dance he secretly wished he could dance with the guy to his left or to his right. 

The big challenge came when he was 15 and being interviewed by the Bishop for a position in the young men’s program. 

***16 years ago***

“Do you follow the Word of Wisdom?” the bishop asked.

“Yes. As best I can.” The Word of Wisdom was not difficult to follow, but made his social activities difficult at times. “I have a Coke now and then.”

“Do you keep the law of chastity?”

“Yes.” 

“Is there anything in your life that you think would hinder your ability, or makes you unworthy to hold this position?”

Justin thought for a moment. He knew he could not lie, but he knew that if he said something his parents would find out.

“Will my parents find out?” Justin asked with a low voice.

“As long as your life or others lives are not in danger, this is between us.” The bishop smiled to give comfort.

“I have feelings towards other men.” Just put his hands in his lap and looked down. “I am not attracted to girls like the other boys are.”

“Have you acted on these feelings?” The bishop was still smiling and had a soft voice.

“No.” 

“I see no problem then.” The bishop leaned back in his chair and thought for a moment. “There is nothing wrong with emotions and thoughts. If that were the case no one would be worthy to do anything. But action is going to be the problem.”

“I guess.” Justin never liked that explanation. It was kin to saying a person may be left handed, but using it is the sin.

“Let me explain it this way: If you were attracted to a woman, and you wanted to be with her sexually, that is okay. Acting upon that emotion before marriage would be a problem.” 

“So if I marry a guy then it would be okay?” Justin looked up even more puzzled.

“Well,” the bishop frowned, “No. There is no way for you to marry another man. The Church would not recognize that marriage.”

“A life of solitude then?” Justin frowned again. “A life of solitude, or a life of sin. Nice.”

“I believe someday if you keep the commandments and live a life of righteousness, all things will be granted to you. You may even find a woman that you are emotionally and sexually able to attach to” The bishop had no other advice, and Justin never liked that explanation either. 

“Thanks bishop.” He stood up, shook his hand and walked out the door.

After that interview, depression sat in. He was consigned to a life of solitude, and loneliness. When he normally hung out with friends after school he came home and stayed in his room, or went out to mess with the sheep. His older brother, Matt, tried to talk to him, but was always met with a sharp tongue and uncaring brother.

At school his grades started to decline. He went from an A student to a D student in a matter of weeks. He never had a behavioral problem but lost interest in excelling in his grades. In his mind his world was bleak and so should his life. What was the purpose of life?

Several of his friends attempted to talk to him, but he always seemed to shove them away. Human contact hurt him more than anything. He watched as the other boys in his grade sat around with their girlfriends and held hands or kissed. He wished he could get rid of these feelings he had. 

Daily his life was spiraling out of control and he saw it. He prayed daily that he would be able to find his way out of this depression, that he would find a way out of his emotions, and that life would return to normal. Every day he went to bed with sadness in his heart, and tears in his eyes. To be told his life would be lonely was hard to take. 

Justin’s parents were at a loss as to what to do. They had attempted to get counseling, but every day Justin sat with the counselor and never said a word. The Bishop made several attempts to talk with Justin as his parents were concerned drugs were involved. The Bishop assured them that was not the case. 

Two days before his 16th birthday his brother came into his room. After several attempts to talk to him his brother had enough. He would be graduating in May, and then off to college in August. He would then most likely go on a mission to some faraway land. He was not going to leave without knowing his kid brother was okay. 

“Justin!” he barged into the room. “Get your shoes on and some pants!” He went to the closet and pulled some clothes out and some shoes.

“Go away.” Justin was laying on his bed looking out the window. He rolled over so he didn’t have to see his brother. 

“Either you come with me on your own free will, or I will carry you.” Matt could do it. He was 6’ 4’’ and on the swim team. His legs were thick, but his upper body was lanky. Swimmers did not need tons of mass, otherwise they would just slow down. 

Justin rolled over and picked up the clothes and put them on. He may not have wanted to go, but he knew his brother would pull him out kicking and screaming.

They went outside, and Matt started to head for the ditch bank. He turned around without stopping and motioned for Justin to follow. “Come on.”

They walked along the ditch bank until they came to a crossing, and made their way across. On the other side of the ditch were two flood control canals, and then finally the Rio Grande. 

Justin smiled for the first time as he remembered back when they were younger, Matt would take him to a special hiding spot and they would stay there all day. It was for them and them alone. They would just talk about anything. Sometimes they would just sit there just listening to nature surrounding them. 

When they got to the spot, it was almost hard to recognize. The area had been taken back over by nature. They had spent hours cleaning the area, and even made some makeshift chairs out of logs they found.

“Man it has been years since we came out here.” Matt laughed and kicked some logs around. “I miss our talks out here. We used to tell each other everything.”

“Yea.” Justin nodded, and went to the area he always claimed. He knew what Matt was up to. Here with no one to overhear them, Matt wanted to know what was going on.

Matt said nothing but sat down on the log and just listened to nature. Spring was here and the trees were starting to grow green. The bugs were not yet fully active, so no need for bug repellent. Matt would let Justin have his moment of peace.

“I love it out here.” Matt looked around. “We should go up to the canyon sometime. Maybe this weekend?” Matt asked with sincerity. They used to go and hike around the canyons all the time with their dad.

“Maybe.” Justin sat down on a log opposite Matt and picked up a stick. He started to draw in the sand. Matt just watched patiently. 

“I can’t believe you are already 16 in a few days.” Matt broke the silence after a few moments. “You are growing up to be a handsome young man.”

“Does it matter if I am handsome or not?” Justin smirked back. He felt bad for treating Matt this way and almost regretted his language. Matt just smiled. 

“Of course it matters.” Matt picked up his own stick and started to drawn in the dirt as well. “If you want to find someone to love, you have to love yourself.”

“Then it doesn’t matter, because I won’t find someone.” Justin felt the doom and darkness start to flood the area. He did not need to find someone, so what did it matter if he was attractive.
I can’t.”  He felt the air flow to his lungs become restricted. 

“Then find yourself handsome for your own personal self.” Matt stopped drawing in and looked right at Justin, who was still face down. “Love yourself first. Never let someone else tell you otherwise.”

“Easy for you to say.” Justin threw the stick on the ground. “You have everything you wanted. You even have a girlfriend!”

“You could have one if you wanted.” Matt said quietly.

“I don’t want one!” Justin yelled back. As soon as the words escaped his mouth he regretted it, and knew the door was open. He knew his brother would understand what he meant, and that he would tell their mother, and his life would go from hellish to outright hell.

Justin dared not look at Matt, and the lack of a response was deafening.

“I see.” Matt finally responded. Matt went back to drawing in the dirt. 

Justin and Matt sat for about 10 minutes before Matt interrupted the silence.

“Do you want a boyfriend?”

“Doesn’t matter.” Justin started to tear up. “I am destined to be alone for the rest of my life. That is what the bishop told me. I cannot have these feelings and act upon them.”

“I see.” Matt put his hands on his knees and started to hum a song that he hummed when he was thinking. 

Justin looked up at his brother and was shocked he hadn’t yelled at him. 

“I think,” Matt started, “that you are my brother, and that you are a Child of God. Therefore, you were made in his image. He loves everyone unconditionally, and therefore, would love you regardless of who you loved. You have some challenges little brother. Challenges that will be with you for the rest of your life. But always know I love you. I want you to be happy. I am not sure how mom and dad would react, but I know they love you too. Do not despair over this. If you find love, regardless of the person’s gender, you found love.”

Justin just stared at Matt. Matt was older, but he never knew Matt understood so much about life. 

“What about it being a sin?” Justin wanted to hear his response to that.

“The sin is being lustful. The sin is being unfaithful. The sin is being angry. But love is not a sin.” Matt responded without thinking. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.”

“Way to go on the seminary class!” Justin laughed as his brother recited 1st Corinthians 13:4-7. “I never could get any of them memorized like that.”

“If love is all those things, then how can it be a sin?” Matt smiled and stood up. “Let’s go.”

Matt stood up and started to walk away, but stopped to turn around.

“You really need to pick yourself up. Don’t despair in what others tell you.” Matt turned and walked off. 

Justin smiled and vowed to turn everything around. He would be the person he was meant to be. 

***

Part II

*** Modern Day***

After having a short chat with his mother, and avoiding the subject of his sexuality, Justin excused himself to his room. He was tired from his long trip and wanted to take a shower, and a nap.

After his shower he laid down on his bed. Even though he only visited his parents at various times, his parents kept his room the way he had it when he stayed at home. His high school awards were still on the shelf, and his old computer, which was ancient compared to the laptop he was currently using, sat on the desk in the corner collecting dust.

He laid on his back in the bed rubbing his stomach, as he had a habit of doing when he was in deep thought. He turned on his side and looked at his bedside table. It had several pictures, but the one that caught his attention was with his brother at Matt's graduation. He was very proud of his brother. He had gone to UNM, got a degree in biology, went on to graduate school and eventually got his doctorate in genetics. He owned a company in Albuquerque that he had built from the ground up.

He grabbed his phone and yawned. He really should take a nap but he really wanted to see his brother. Since the weekend was coming up, he hoped he was coming down. 

"Hey kid." Matt answered in his bright voice. Whenever Justin called, Matt had time to talk.

"Hey." Justin smiled. "I am at mom and dad's. You are coming down this weekend, right?"

"Yes sir! Wouldn't miss it!" Matt spoke off the phone for a second. "How long do you plan to stay?"

"I think two weeks. I have some vacation saved up and I might stay longer. Depends on what happens."

"I see." Matt paused. "Are you going to see Nate?"

The question was inevitable. Matt loved his little brother, and did not like seeing him in pain. Nate had caused him the most pain.

"I don't think so." Justin said with a pause. "He knows I am here, and wants to talk. But I drove by his place, and apparently he is getting married."

“I see.” Matt didn’t seem to be shocked at the discovery. He seemed distracted by something going on at work. "I will see you tomorrow night around 7. I am hoping traffic is not bad here."

"See you then." Justin started to hang up. "Love you bro!" He was not sure if Matt heard him or not.

. 

Justin put the phone down next to him on the bed. He loved his brother; the only person who really accepted him. The one person in his family could tell his problems, his true problems too. He would have to tell him about Jason from the airplane. 

***16 years ago***

After his conversation with Matt in the Bosque about his feelings, Justin made a true attempt to turn around his life. He started to do better in school, and hang out with his friends again. He was never sure if he should tell anyone else about his feelings, so he kept that to himself. Over the course of the next month, his parents did not feel worried as much and stopped trying to get deep into his life. Everyone chalked it up to teenage angst.

At church Justin tried to get his mind off his problems, and he tried to get better with his spiritual studies. He made every effort to do as much as he could service wise. 

Close to the end of April a new family moved into the ward. The father had gotten a job at New Mexico Tech. What was also exciting for Justin was they had a boy his age that was moving in as well. There were no boys his age in the ward, so anytime a new person arrived he was excited. There were two boys older than him, including his brother, and two younger. He was the only one his own age. 

The Sunday that the new kid arrived would be one that Justin would remember for the rest of his life. He was sitting with his parents waiting for the services to start. He was looking around to see if the new family had shown up. They were supposed to be here today, but maybe they were late, or were coming in later. 

"Justin," his mother said, "Stop fidgeting around!" 

"Sorry mom." Justin stopped looking around. He would meet him eventually.

As the services progressed Justin tried to look around, but his mother kept nudging him, so he never got a proper look.

After the services were over, it was time for the Sunday school services to start. This was where he would get the chance, if any, to meet this new kid. As he entered the room he stopped as quickly as he entered. Sitting in a chair was the most gorgeous guy he had ever met. He had short black hair, and blue eyes that seemed to sparkle on their own. His smile showed a row of perfect white teeth. 

"Justin," the teacher broke his thought. "Are you just going to stand there or are you going to sit down?"

"Sorry." Justin quickly took the empty seat next to his best friend Kimberly Hellen. 

"What's wrong with you?" Kimberly leaned over. "You look like you were smacked in the head with a pan."

"Nothing." He lied. He was in no mood to let his emotions get out of control now. He sat and listened to the lesson. Every now and then he took a quick look at the new kid. He tried to time it so that it looked like was looking at whoever was talking, but sometimes he just had to look over.

After the Sunday school lesson was over, Justin sat silently as everyone else go up.

"We need to talk." Kimberly punched him in the arm. "Now!"

Justin knew she was a force to be reckoned with if she did not get her way. 

He followed her out of the classroom and down the hall towards the back of the church and out the back door so they would have some privacy. 

"So what's up with you?"

"Nothing." Justin looked at the ground. He could not look her straight in the face. "I told you already."

"You come in this morning and you are flopping around like a fish. Then you get to class and you act like you were hit with a pan." She put her hand on her hip before continuing. "And during class you kept..." she trailed off.

"What?" Justin looked up at the silence from his friend.

"Oh." She said softly and then started to chuckle. "I always wondered why you did not want to go out with me."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Justin got defensive.

"You like the new kid." Kimberly smiled. "This is awesome."

"Please don't say anything!" Justin almost burst into tears. "Please?"

"Oh I think this is awesome because I always wanted a gay best friend." Kimberly smiled and hugged Justin. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Oh sure, just come out and say it." Justin frowned. "I have not even said it to myself. How was I supposed to know how you would react?"

"Let's get back in before people come looking for use and start to form inappropriate ideas." She grabbed his hand and pulled him close as they walked back in. "I think he is adorable too."

***

After church Justin sat quietly in the back seat looking out the back window. Matt sat next to him and could feel the emotions flow from his younger brother. 

"Hey mom?" Matt asked.

"Yes?" His mother looked over her shoulder.

"I know it's Sunday, but do you mind if Justin and I go out to the canyon?" Justin looked at his brother like he was crazy.

"Sure dear. After you eat lunch." She smiled. She was glad Justin and Matt were talking again. 

Justin started to open his mouth, but Matt just winked at him. 

After they ate lunch they piled into Matt's truck and started to head for the canyon. It was a 30 minute trip but it was a nice drive and Justin was glad he got out of the house. His priesthood class was a bit awkward as the new kid was there as well. The boy's name was Nathan McGraw, and was from Utah. Justin had the opportunity during the class to have some small talk with the new kid, and seemed pretty cool. He had to watch himself as he didn't want to seem over enthused.

"So Nathan seems like a cool guy." Matt casually said as he drove up the highway. 

"Yea." Justin just sighed as he said it. The chances of the boy returning his feelings were slim to none. 

"Got it hard huh?" Matt giggled a bit as he could see the crush Justin had badly for him. "It's okay we all go through that stage. Just be careful with him, kid. I don't want you to get hurt: emotionally or physically."

Justin grinned at his brother. His love for him was evident. He knew his brother would protect him as best he could. Matt knew the world would not be kind to his brother. There was a gay kid at school that had come out and he was harassed constantly. Matt stood up for him when he could, but he was not around all the time.

"Kimberly found out today." Justin said absently. "She figured it out when I was acting so `coy'." He held his hands up to make quotation marks around `coy'. 

"Yea. Not a good sign when you run into a brick wall." Matt laughed. "I think when I met Lori I did the same thing. But when I did it, I did it with style."

"Yea," Justin laughed hard, "You acted like you forgot where you were. Really smooth."

They both laughed as they made their way up to the canyon. 

***

They spent two hours marching around the canyon. Justin liked being able to talk without fear of being judged. Matt just enjoyed the time he could spend with his brother. Time was running out and he would be gone for large chunks of time. 

"Hey Matt?" Justin walked up beside his brother as they made their way back to the truck. 

"What's up?" Matt put his arm around Justin. 

"Are you going on a mission?" 

"I think so." He looked at his brother. "Why do you ask?"

"I don't think I am." Jason said somberly. "I don't think it would be a good idea for me to be around guys 24/7 in a living environment like that."

"You got to follow your heart." Matt sighed. "I think it is more expected of me to go. But I am not sure I really want to go. I am excited about college. Lori will be going with me. I think she is the one, but mom and dad are not thrilled that she isn't a member."

"I am sure if I told them I like guys they will forgive you." Justin offered as a joke. He hoped Matt would not take his offer.

"I am sure anyone would be good compared to that." He rustled his hair. "She said if I went she would wait, but 2 years is a long time for that. I have seen some guys come back and it was just too long of a time."

"I like her." Justin offered. "But like you said, you have to follow your heart."

They climbed into the truck and headed back home. Days like these made Justin smile, and he had many things to smile about.

***

As they arrived at school the next day, Justin and Matt made their way into the commons area. The center of the school was a large cement ring, with a tree growing in the middle. Around the edges were benches set up for other students to sit at. Even though Matt was a senior he never made Justin feel less by ignoring him like some of the other brother/sister combinations did. He always walked him in, and hung out with his friends for a bit before heading off to his own group of friends. For that, Matt was awesome to everyone. 

As they neared Justin's friends, he could see that Nate was sitting across the table with Kimberly, and another friend Scott. Scott was cool, if not a bit of an egotistical jackass. He was the one that told the truth when no one wanted to hear it. If you wanted sympathy for your problems, Scott was not the person to talk to. If you wanted real help, that was Scott's most enduring quality.

"Hey guys!" Matt said as he walked up. "And lady." He smiled at Kimberly.

"Hey Matt." They all responded.

"Matt, this is Nate." Kimberly pointed at Nate. "I am not sure if you were able to meet him Sunday. Nate, this is Matt, Justin's brother."

"I saw you around, but never got a chance to say hello." Matt gave a strong hand shake to Nate. "Glad to know you, and found a pretty good crowd here."

"Yea." Nate smiled. "I was worried that I might have a hard time finding people to hang with."

He glanced at Justin with a slight smile. "Hi Justin."

"Hey Nate." Justin felt his face turn red.

"Well I am glad that you all have a resounding vocabulary this morning!" Kimberly spoke up trying to get the tension out of the air.

As they continued the small chat, a tall female, with brown hair that went to her waist, crept up behind Justin and quickly put her arms around his chest pulling him in tight for a hug. Justin jumped a bit, but then seeing who it was relaxed.

"Hey sexy." She whispered in his ear.

Nate's eyes went big.

"Hey! Hey! Hey!" Matt quickly jumped at this girl. "You always get me confused for my brother!"

"Opps." The girl let Justin go. "Sorry kid. You both are just so damn adorable, it's hard for me to sometimes tell the difference."

Justin blushed and grinned.

"Hey love!" The girl responded to Matt and gave him a frontal hug and gave him a big kiss.

"Hey." Matt returned the kiss. He pulled away and introduced his girlfriend to Nate. "Nate, this is Lori Hahn. Lori, this is Nate McGraw. He goes to church and is a friend of Justin's. Lori has been my girlfriend since..."

"Forever!" Kimberly finished his sentence and stuck out her tongue. "They just need to get married and get it all over with." Lori and Matt laughed.

Lori slid next to Kimberly so she could be directly across from Nate.

"So where are you from Nate?" she batted her eyes at him.

"Oh boy." Matt groaned under his breath.

"Um, Utah." He got the answer out, trying to avoid looking directly at her eyes. They were dark brown and they seemed to shine with an inner light. He also felt like they were penetrating his every thought. "Pretty close to Provo."

"Ah homeland of the Mormons." She smiled slightly as she formed the next question in her mind. "So did you have a girlfriend?"

"No."

"Oh." She frowned. Matt was watching the conversation with a bit of amusement. His girlfriend liked to ask the tough questions up front to get to know a person quickly. As he watched her think of the next question he saw her lips turn up in a sharp grin that gave him the feeling he was watching a predator stalk its prey. Before he could say anything the question slipped her lips.

"Boyfriend?"

Nate coughed a bit and eyes got big.

"Why would you ask that?" He asked with a bit of rage under his voice. "Just because I don't have a girlfriend doesn't mean I want a boyfriend!"

"Sorry." She just smiled. "I just want to keep an open mind. I never assume anything about anyone."

Justin watched the display with a frown coming on his face. He knew the chances of Nate returning his emotional feelings were slim, but based on the reaction it was a downright rejection.

"I guess we need to get going." Matt interrupted before Lori could ask another question that would be just as embarrassing."Come on." He grabbed Lori's hand as she stood up.

"Nice to meet you Nate." Lori said as she walked off, and winked at Justin.

"She really means good." Scott said out of the side. "She does ask everyone that when she first meets them. Though she usually waits a day or so." He mused a bit looking at Nate, and then to Justin. He shrugged.

Justin sat down next to Kimberly and looked into Nate's eyes which seemed to be giving off sadness.

"So what's your schedule?"

As it turned out Nate and Justin had three classes together. One of them was PE which excited Justin. He wasn't sure if he could contain himself, but he had several hours to prepare himself.

***

For the next several weeks Justin and Nate became close friends. They spent virtually all their free time together. At school they hung out with Kimberly, Scott, and a couple of other friends, but outside of school they were at each other's house virtually every day.

Graduation day came and the time had finally come for Matt to leave this part of his life behind. To Justin this was a bitter sweet moment in his life. He knew he would never actually lose Matt, but not seeing him at school would be sad. He also knew that when he left for college he would lose any support at home in life he had.

Nate had come to graduation, alongside Justin.  He sat next to Justin who seemed tense, and on the worried side. Nate reached over and patted Justin on the arm and gave it a firm squeeze. He knew Justin and his brother were close.

When Nate's had touched his arm, Justin flinched as he felt a tinge of electricity flow through his body. He looked at Nate and gave a nod, and turned back to the ceremony. Matt was a good friend and brother. Now if only Nate would be someone that he could find support in.

***

As the school year came to a close, Justin and Nate made plans for what they were going to do for the summer. Justin typically worked for his father in the pasture fields and tending to the few sheep they had. The majority of the sheep they raised were used by kids in the community for show. His dad always produced some of the best show sheep, and typically they would bring in first prize. His dad said it is not the sheep that matters, but the person who molds the sheep.

Nate was trying to decide what to do for the summer. He wanted a job and had put several applications in. Justin wanted to see Nate more during the summer so he approached his dad about having Nate work on the farm. Since Matt was getting ready for college, he was no longer going to be working for his dad full time. His dad agreed and hired Nate on as one of the hands that would help with the duties of the farm.

On the first day of the job, Justin and Nate were tasked with making sure the last fields were getting water. They would have to watch the irrigation water, make sure the rows did not flood, but at the same time assure that they were watered adequately.

It was still May so the temperature had yet to get extremely hot, so it was a nice day. The wind was blowing softly, and the smell of the wet land was invigorating to Justin. He loved the smell of the ground getting wet. Reminded him of all the times he was out here with his dad, and Matt.

The big challenge was showing Nate how to handle the water, and to know when to turn water off and on. Nate was quick to catch on so they could both be running up and down the fields to assure the watering was done right.

They had started early in the morning around 6:30, so they were expecting to get done shortly around noon. As noon approached the last sections of the field were finishing up.

"I am getting hungry." Nate said as he patted his stomach.

"We will get something after this last section is done. Another 30 minutes or so."

About 15 minutes later, Justin's parents came out to the field with some lunch bags for the boys to eat.

"Thought you boys would be getting hungry." She handed them the bags.

"Thanks mom." Justin smiled as he grabbed the lunch bags, and the bottles of water offered to him.

"Thanks!" Nate said as well.

"That last section should be done in a few minutes, so when you boys are done eating, turn the water off and head back in. Then make sure the sheep are taken care of." Justin's dad said as he looked at the field and was satisfied with the watering. He was worried that Nate and Justin might not be up to the challenge, but they had done a great job.

They ran over to one of the trees near the field so they could still keep a watchful eye on the water. They sat almost with their legs touching.

Justin's mom had made them turkey and bacon sandwiches, and included a bag of potato chips. Nate had his sandwich down in a few bites. Justin nibbled on his as he was too busy trying to keep his mind on the job, and off the friend that was sitting close by.

"I like it out here." Nate said, leaning back on his hands and looking up at the tree above him. "It is nice and quiet."

"Yea." Justin responded, absently chewing a chip.

They sat in silence for a while as Nate just looked at the tree. He lay fully on the ground so he could look up. His shirt rose slightly, exposing his stomach and a slight patch of hair.

"Nature has a way of surprising you." He watched as several birds were building a nest in the tree. It was an old cottonwood tree. They were everywhere along the banks of the Rio Grande.

"Yea." Justin replied again.

Nate tilted his head up to look at Justin and his unusual one word answers.

"What's wrong bud?" Nate asked. "You okay?"

"Nothing." Justin shrugged. "Just eating."

"Okay." Nate laid his head back down. He waited a few moments before making another comment. "So what's the deal with you and Kim? You ever going to ask her out?"

Justin had just taken a drink of water at that moment and choked a bit.

"No." He coughed out. "We are just really close friends. Have been since we were in pre-school."

"She likes you." Nate said absently. "I can see it in her eyes. She looks at you like she wants to be with you."

Justin didn't respond. He looked at his sandwich and put it back in the bag. He only had eaten a third of it, but was not feeling hungry. This conversation was something he did not want to have. Not with Nate, and not with anyone, but was frequent between him and his parents.

"Of course," Nate rolled over on his side to look at Justin who had his head turned out towards the east side of the field, trying to make it look like he was trying to see something. Justin was on the verge of tears. "I suppose you don't like Kim like that because you like someone else."

"And who do you think that would be?" Justin turned his head with a snap and a glare in his eyes. A line of water was starting to form on his left eye.

"Me." Nate smiled. "I think you look at me, the same way that Kim looks at you."

"No." Justin gave a false laugh. "I think you're full of it!" He reached up and wiped the water from his eye. He would not cry here. Not like this.

Justin started to stand to get up and get back to work, but Nate grabbed Justin's arm causing him to fall back crossing Nate's chest and bring them inches from each other's lips.

"No." Nate said, holding on to Justin's arm to prevent him from moving. "I think you do like me." He reached up and grabbed the back of Justin's neck with his free hand. "Admit it."

Justin started to squirm. He was starting to become aroused with Nate holding him. He wanted to kiss Nate, but he also wanted to break free.

"I am not into guys. I am not gay!" He shouted louder than he had intended to shout, and turned bright red.

"Prove it." He whispered softly and touched his lips to Justin's.

Immediately Justin stopped fighting Nate. He felt a charge of electricity pass through his body, and he kissed Nate back. He had wanted to do this since he first laid eyes on Nate, and now here it was: His first kiss.

They kissed for a few minutes, which to Justin felt like years.

"Didn't do a very good job of convincing me." He laughed as Nate rolled off Justin and onto his own back. Nate rolled over and started to rub his hand on Justin's chest.

"Wow." Justin looked at him and his blue eyes. "I did not know how much I really wanted to do that. I mean I knew I wanted to, but, wow!"

Nate laughed again and stood up and offered me his hand.

"When did you know I liked you?" Justin dusted his pants off and picked up the lunch bags and crumpled them up so he could throw them away later.

"I just noticed how you would stare at me." Nate looked down at the ground. "And I of course stared back at you. I guess you never noticed. I just took time to act upon it, to make sure that I was not dreaming about it."

"I don't know if I would have acted on it." Justin kicked the ground. "I mean we aren't supposed to be doing that. It's wrong."

"Nothing wrong with kissing, is there?" Nate grabbed my hand. "Nothing in the scriptures that says you can't show affection."

Justin thought about it for a moment and Nate was correct. Affection was not a sin. So why should he be worried about that? He squeezed Nate's hand and then let it drop. His parents could show up at any time.

"I think we better keep it a secret for a while anyway. I am not sure how my parents would approve of us being affectionate like that." Justin started to head for the nearest turn-out for the water. It was time to close the last section.

***

Later that night Justin was laying in bed thinking about the day's events. The moment that Nate's lips touched his sent sparks down his spine and into every fiber of his being. Now, thinking about that kiss sent the same response.

His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a car door being closed. It was Matt back from his date with Lori. Justin smiled as he thought about the reaction Matt would have for him. But should he tell Matt what happened? Should he include Matt in this? Matt had been supportive of him, and Matt wanted him to be happy. So why should he not include him, on the happiest day of his life so far?

He could hear the front door open and close. Matt would end up talking to their parents before heading up to get ready for bed.

Justin again thought of Nate. How far could he go before what they were doing was a sin? He figured that holding hands, kissing, cuddling, and sleeping next to each other would be okay. As long as there was no touching of each other in a sexual way, he would be okay. He did want to remain faithful as long as possible. But how long would that last?

A knock at the door interrupted his thoughts. He sat up quickly as the thoughts of being with Nate had turned him hard, and his pajamas did very little to hide that fact.

"Come in." he squeaked as he attempted to act casual.

"Hey kid!" Matt stuck his head in. "Just wanted to see how the day went and say goodnight."

"Went good!" Justin said with too much enthusiasm and a little too high pitched.

"Really?" Matt turned and looked down the hallway to make sure no one else was coming and came into the bedroom and closed the door. "Went good?" He walked over to the bed and sat down.

"Yes." Justin bit his bottom lip and looked away from Matt. He could never look Matt in the eyes when he was trying to hide information. Matt had a way of pulling truths out, without even saying a word.

"Spill it." Matt said softly.

Justin sighed and resigned himself to tell Matt what had happened.

Matt smiled as he listened to Justin tell the story about the day, and how it ended with Nate giving Justin a kiss.

"That's great!" Matt said, giving Justin a big hug. "I am so happy for you."

Justin had a look of disbelief on his face. "You aren't upset?"

"Why would I be? I mean you need love just like everyone else." He stood up and started for the door. "I mean you will have to make the decision on how far you want to go, and what that might mean for you in the long run. But you are you, and I want you to be happy. If Nate makes you happy, then that is what you should be heading for."

Matt opened the door and started to walk out, but turned around.

"Don't let anyone ever tell you that you are not a good person, or that you are bad for the feelings you have." Matt winked at Justin and closed the door.

***

Part III

*** Modern Day***

Justin sat on the couch in the den reading a book. He had thought about going over and seeing if Nate was free, but thought better of it. Every time he thought of Nate he felt betrayed and injured. Why would Nate want to see him, only to hurt him like this? 

He flipped the page.

The book itself was something he enjoyed reading. It seemed every time he made it home for a visit to his parents, he would find himself drawn to the den to read. The book was Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury. He had discovered it when assigned to read it his sophomore year of high school. Every summer when he felt he needed to escape, he would read this book. 

It was odd, he thought, that he would be drawn to a story about a world where books were not supposed to exist. People, who were found to be harboring books, would be banished, imprisoned, and their belongings burned. He sometimes felt the same way. His life was against the morals of his house; the norms of society. He felt love for the same sex, and for that he would burn for it in the end. That was what he was taught. He no longer believed it. 

***15 years ago***

The first day of sophomore year was both exhilarating and stressful for Justin and Nate. After their first kiss on his farm, they had become inseparable. They used the fact that Nate would have to come early to work for him to spend the night. They would end up sharing the bed in Justin's room, and fall asleep in each other's arms. They never went further than kissing, even though at times Justin felt the urge so strong he wanted to do more, but resisted. He still was not sure how much of what he was doing was a sin or not. 

At school, Justin was not sure if anyone would see the relationship that they had developed. He had not even told Kimberly that he had gotten together with Nate. He was sad that he would not be around Nate all of the day and he had during the summer. They had English, History, and lunch together. So they would have time together

He arrived and went to the commons to find his other friends, and Nate. At the usual spot was Kimberly sitting across from a boy he had not seen. He was a fairly muscular kid and looked to be his age. Kimberly and the new kid were in deep conversation. 

"Hey." Justin walked up and made Kimberly jump a bit. 

"Dang it Justin!" Kimberly spat as she leaned sideways. "Don't do that!"

"Sorry." Justin grinned and motioned for Kimberly to scoot over. He eyed the new boy. He was handsome. He had short light blonde hair, a clean-shaven square face. His body looked to be in excellent shape with his shirt stretched tight against his body. Justin couldn't take his eyes off him. 

"This is Mark." Kimberly snickered a bit as she caught the glint in Justin's eye. "He is a new student who just moved here from Russia."

"Hello." Mark extended his hand to Justin. He had a thick accent to his English, which Justin was enthralled with.

"Hey Mark!" Justin grabbed his hand and shook it with a firm grasp. 

"Lush." Kimberly whispered. Justin turned his head and squinted his eyes. 

"What did I miss?" Nate walked up. 

Justin felt his heart beat harder, and he turned his head towards the love of his life. He wanted to jump up and plant a kiss on his lips, but knew that might not be the best idea. He had to be careful.

"Hey Nate!" Justin said, and with an afterthought, maybe too much enthusiasm. "This is Mark. He is from Russia and just moved here."

"Hey man!" Nate reached his hand out, and dropped his backpack on the floor next to the seat. "Great to meet you."

Justin looked at Kimberly and motioned for her to move to the next side next to Mark. 

"Pushy much?" Kimberly snapped as she moved over, and Justin allowed for Nate to sit next to him. 

Justin smiled as Nate slid in. He could feel his leg brush his and he had to resist the urge to suck air in from his teeth. Kimberly darted a look at Nate, and then back to Justin. 

"So what brings you to the United States Mark?" Nate asked Mark, acting oblivious to Kimberly’s actions.

.

"My father got a position at the university here." Mark watched Justin and Nate. "We arrived this summer. I live next door to Kimberly."

"Oh do you? And you couldn't tell me over the phone?" Justin squinted at Kimberly. "I see how much our friendship is worth."

"Like I avoid saying things?" She looked at Nate. "I am sure that you had some news to share, but I didn't hear anything."

"Nothing major." Justin turned his head around to see who else had arrived. He was looking for Scott. At least he said what everyone was thinking, and it was predictable. 

"I don't understand." Mark said, looking  quizzically at Kimberly. "Are you two having a...." he paused looking for the right words, "lovers quarrel?"

"What?" Both Justin and Kimberly interjected at the same time. Nate chuckled and blushed.

"Well you seem to have the typical attitude towards each other." He thought for a moment. "Or maybe you are jealous of Justin and Nate?" He looked at Kimberly directly.

Nate coughed at the comment, and turned a dark red.

"Um..." was all she could say.

"Why do you say that?" Justin asked, looking around to make sure no one else heard. He couldn't believe that someone he had known for less than 10 minutes could figure out that Nate and he were involved.

"Not hard to see. You two sneak quick looks at each other, followed by quick smiles." He grinned. "Not that hard to see.."

"Well..." Justin swallowed hard. "Yea."

Kimberly frowned. "And you couldn't tell me this?"

"She knows about you?" Nate looked at Justin with shock. If he could have shared this with someone he would have in a heartbeat. To know that Kimberly was good with Justin would have been a load off his back. 

"She found out the first day I met you." Justin sighed. "I was looking at you too intensely and she picked up on it. I am sorry I didn't tell you."

"It's okay." He patted Justin's leg under the table. "I just wish you would have said something. But at least now we can be semi open about it." Just reached down and grabbed Nates hand and squeezed.

"Open about what?" Scott walked up behind Nate, causing both of them to jump in their seats. 

"Um." Nate just said. "We uh, it's nothing. Just something we found out about..."

"The fact that you two are an item?" Scotts said, pulling up another chair and swinging it around to sit on. 

"What?" Kimberly spat out. "How did you know?"

"I could tell walking up behind them. Their shoulders keep rubbing, and I figured either they have an itch, or are holding hands under the table." He shrugged and took a drink of water from his bottle. "I figured it was the latter since they could have just scratched with their own hands."

Mark laughed. "I told you it was easy to see."

Justin crossed his arms and fumed, while Nate put his hands on the table and looked around to see if anyone else had heard the conversation. No one seemed to have noticed or cared.

"I wouldn't worry about others knowing.”  Scott said, dangling the water bottle with his arm, and watching it sway. "Give it till lunch, and you will be the talk of the school."

***

First through third period went by fast, and Justin felt like a wreck. He didn't have any classes so far with Nate, but he still felt as if everyone was watching him. As if he had been caught with something dangerous, and someone was ready to pounce. 

The bell rang to release from third period. 

Justin pulled out his schedule to look at it to make sure he was going to the right class: English II. This would be one of two classes he would have with Nate. He was excited, but also nervous that his true emotions might show through.

He made his way to his locker and noticed Nate standing with his backpack waiting.

"Hey." Nate said as Justin walked up with a grin on his face.

"Hey." Justin grinned back and opened his locker and put his newly received Geometry book in his locker. He had already received a new Biology book, and figured he would have a new history book by the end of the day. 

Nate leaned in as if looking inside the locker and whispered into Justin's ear. "I missed you."

"Me too." Justin giggled.

Justin closed the locker and shouldered his backpack. He punched Nate in the arm. 

"Ready for Mrs. Watson?" Justin winked and started to head down the hall. 

Mrs. Watson was known for her promptness to class, dedication to detail, and ruthless manner of grading. She was also one of the best English literature teachers at the high school. Justin remembered his brother talking about her and how much he enjoyed the class, even though it was one of the hardest classes he ever had. 

Mrs. Watson was standing at the door greeting the students coming into the room. She was a middle-aged woman, with black short hair. She was attractive, and some of the other boys talked about her in ways Justin was not comfortable with. 

"Good morning Justin." She said with a smile. She reached out her hand to shake his hand, which he returned with a firm grasp. "I am so glad you're in my class. I hope you are just as hard a worker as your brother." Justin frowned a bit. He was always being compared to his brother. At least it was a good relationship, and not a bad one. Those could be tough to break. "Great to see you as well Nate." She shook his hand as well. "Please sit in the front or middle row. This is a small class."

As he walked in he saw three other boys sitting in the class in the middle row. He knew them vaguely, as they were members of the football team. Jared Miller, Shawn Martinez, and Jeffery Lambton. Justin decided to take the seat in the center front, with Nate sitting to his left. He didn't want to sit on the edge of the room, and sometimes sitting in the center front was the last one to be called on to answer questions. 

Nate pulled out a sheet of paper and pencil and started to write something down. Justin tried to look at it, but didn't want to seem invasive. So he just looked around the room at the posters that were spotted around. 

"Fag." One of the boys behind him blurted out. Justin froze for a moment thinking he was the one being targeted, but heard footsteps and looked to see who it was. It was Grayson Smith, a student who had come out the year before, and had been the victim of bullying. Matt had attempted to protect the kid as much as possible, but now that he was gone, it was open season for bullying the “out” kid. 

He was a geek type looking kid. He was scrawny, standing at about 5'10'' and didn't weigh more than 150, if that. His brown hair was usually in what could be described as a `neat-mess'. He felt sorry for the kid as Matt was no longer around to speak up for him. 

Grayson sat down in the seat to the right, even though he glanced at the chair in the back of the classroom, which would be a safe spot away from easy targeting. Justin assumed Mrs. Watson told him to take a front or second row seat. 

"Grayson right?" Justin turned to the kid sitting next to him. He extended his hand to Grayson.

"Yes." Grayson looked at the hand and shook it weakly. He wasn't sure if this was a trick or sincere. 

"Justin." Justin responded with a smile, glancing back to see the reaction of the kids behind them. They would be less likely to pick on him due to his reputation, and his brother. But still had to keep an eye out. "Glad to meet you. I am sorry it wasn't sooner than now."

Grayson smiled and brightened up at someone being nice to him. Justin was not sure, but he never saw him hang out with anyone at school. Always seemed to be a loner. He felt a pang of guilt that he had not thought about inviting him to join his inner circle sooner. He just wasn't comfortable exposing himself to the ridicule that came with befriending the school outcast. 

The tardy bell rang, and Mrs. Watson came into the classroom.

"Welcome to English II people. I am Mrs. Watson, but then again you all know this. I know all of you, and since this is a small class we should get to know each other much better." She walked to her desk, pulled a stack of papers, and handed six to Nate for him to pass to the rest of the students. "We will investigate both literature and writing forms. I plan to read a total of ten novels this year, with each of you responsible for the readings. We will also be developing narrative and persuasive writings, which will be due at various points in the year."

Justin looked over the paper that had been passed out: the syllabus and class outline. There was nothing too surprising in the information, and nothing that was far too difficult to complete. He noticed some of the books they would be reading were classical novels, with a few contemporary ones that he had not heard of before. One that caught his eye was Fahrenheit 451.

Mrs. Watson continued to explain how the class was to be organized, and what was expected and required. Justin went in and out of paying attention, as this was the typical first day activity in every class. 

"The last thing I would like to talk about is some of the books we are reading this year; parents may have objections due to content. I would like for your parents to read the list of books, sign the release form at the end of the page stating they have reviewed and find all books acceptable, and return by Monday." Mrs. Watson put the paper she was reading from back on her desk and smiled at the class. "If they object, please have them write those objections in the space provided for the book. We will then have a conference about those concerns. Any questions?"

She paused for a moment to let anyone ask questions, which no one did.

"Very good." She started to pace. "What I would like for you to do for tomorrow, is to write a narrative about something that happened during the summer break that was memorable. I know this is a classic activity by your English teacher, but I want you to write this in third person. In other words, write this as if you were seeing it, and explaining the events. This is a way for me to determine what your skill is now, and what we need to work on. It should be no longer than one page." She smiled as the boys in the back groaned. "You may start working on that assignment now, and work until the bell rings."

Justin pondered in his mind what to write. He knew what it would be, but he wanted to make sure that he worded it right so that Mrs. Watson would not know it was Nate who was the other person in the story. He started to doodle on his paper as he thought about how he would write his most memorable day of the summer. As he thought about it, he felt the rush as Nate leaned over and kissed him for the first time. The moment he wished would never end, and would never stop. Even now when Nate kissed him he still felt that same feeling. 

The bell to release the class brought him out of his daydream. He looked around as the row behind him squealed as the chairs pushed up and the others ran out of the classroom to get to the cafeteria. He looked at Nate who was putting his stuff up, and grinned. 

"Hungry?" Nate asked as he stood up and put his bag over his shoulder.

"Sure." Justin started to put his stuff up, but stopped to see what Grayson was doing. He was slowly putting his bags up. He looked like he was going to break down and cry. "You okay bud?" Justin punched Grayson's shoulder softly. 

"Yea." Grayson looked up with a fake smile. "Just getting my stuff together."

"Do you have this lunch?" Justin didn't buy any of the acts, and was concerned. He knew that this could very well be him in a few days, weeks, or even hours if Scott's prediction came true.

"Yea."

"Well come on!" Justin said, slapping his arm again. "Let's go while the getting is good!"

"You better come." Nate came up behind bumping shoulders with Justin in a playful manner. "He won't take no for an answer. I should know." He winked at Justin as he walked out of the classroom. 

***

Justin, Nate, and Grayson walked into the Cafeteria. Nate and Grayson went to the main line to get food, while Justin scouted a table for them to sit at. He spotted Kimberly, Scott, and Mark sitting at a round table. Kimberly spotted him and motioned for him to come over. 

"Hello sexy lady." Justin walked up and squeezed her shoulder and sat down next to her.

"If you keep saying that I will think you want more." She giggled a bit. 

"So how are your classes looking so far?" Scott said while he looked at his sandwich. "I hope better than this thing."

"I think English will be fun. Mrs. Watson seems cool. Have three jocks that will make it hard, but Nate is in there, and so is Grayson."

"Grayson?" Kimberly looked up. "You mean the kid that came out last year?"

"Yea." Justin shrugged as he pulled out his chicken salad his mom had prepared for him. He looked over at the line and saw Nate and Grayson talking and laughing. He smiled. He was happy Nate was that open to befriend someone so quickly. "Nate and him are hitting it off."

"Maybe you have something to worry?" Mark said, looking at the two in line. 

"No." Justin smiled. He loved the slight accent Mark spoke with and the broken English.

"I know. He looks at you like only one world." Mark went back to eating his lunch. "Anyone found out yet?"

"Not that I know of!" Justin smiled. "And that is the way I like it."

As he sat there the boys from English came walking by and were laughing.

"Hey Justin!" Jared shouted from the next table over. "Looks like your boyfriend is getting comfortable with the fag." The rest of the table broke out laughing. 

Justin sighed and started to eat. He would not bait the others and would not engage in the behavior. He knew that would only get him in trouble, and have his parents find out things he didn't want them to know.

"Cruel." Mark said as he eyed the other boys. "I would think they not behave so rudely with Mr. Lowery standing right there."

"Mr. Lowery will not discipline the football players unless there is no other alternative." Scott gritted his teeth. "Perfect angels."

"Hey everyone!" Nate came up with Grayson in tow, who gave a weak grin to everyone around the table. "Everyone, this is Grayson. Grayson, this is Kimberly, Mark, and Scott." He pointed at everyone around the table as he introduced them. 

"Welcome to the family!" Kimberly smiled. Justin was happy she was good with it. "I do enjoy new people."

"Thanks." Grayson looked down at the table embarrassed. 

"No need to be embarrassed." Scott said in his usual blunt manner. "You can be yourself with us. We don't judge. Otherwise we would have kicked Justin out years ago." Everyone laughed at that, even Grayson, which made Justin smile.

They continued with small talk for a while, and continued eating. The other table did not give them any problems, which was a relief to Justin. Grayson and Nate picked up the trash from the table and moved towards the trash can. 

While they were gone, a piece of paper came flying and landed on the table. 

"Really?" Justin turned to the other table, "Throwing paper now?"

"Your boyfriend will like that!" Jared responded, and made a motion like his arms were wings and made some kissy lips. 

Mark grabbed the paper and unwrapped it. 

"I don't get it." He looked at it with a confused look. "American humor?"

He passed it to Scott who coughed on his saliva. "Wow. No, not American humor. American mean spiritedness."

He handed the paper to Justin.

On the paper was a crude drawing of two stick figures. One was bent over, and the other was engaging in anal sex. An arrow was drawn to the top figure with the name `Nate' scrawled above the arrow, and Grayson scrawled on the figure for the one bent over. 

"That son of a..." Justin started to growl, but Nate interrupted.

"Hey what's that?" He grabbed the paper and stared at it blankly. "Well. I. Uh."  He just stared at the image.

Grayson looked over and his face went red. He looked like he was about to break down in tears.

"I am sorry Nate." Grayson went to pick up his bag. "I should have known that you being nice to me would have labeled you." 

Grayson started to leave, but Scott grabbed his arm.

"Stay." He looked at him. "We are your friends, and they can say whatever they want about any of us. Damn them."

Justin still had his hands clenched on the table, and he could feel anger welling up within him. He was not about to stand there and let someone make fun of his boyfriend, and his new friend. His mind started to flash at things he could do. He didn't care if he got in trouble. He stood up.

"Justin." Nate grabbed his arm. "Don't do anything. It was just a stupid drawing. I am fine. Grayson is fine. Don't worry about it."

Justin ignored Nate, and turned toward the table with the jocks busting up laughing. 

"Aww," Jeffery cooed, "did we hurt your boyfriend's feelings? Going to go home and cry to mamma and dada?"

"You know you should be careful what you say." Justin said through clenched teeth. 

"What you going to do about it big shot?" Jared said standing up. "Your brother isn't here to protect you anymore."

"If you're not careful, people might think you're jealous." Justin said, getting a sly grin on his face. He was angry to the point that he was not sure where this was going, but he was going to take it as far as need be. 

"Jealous of what?" Jared said with a smirk on his face. 

"Of this!" Justin turned around, grabbed Nate and gave him a full passionate kiss on the lips that lasted a good 30 seconds. 

The cafeteria went dead silent as everyone's attention turned to the scene that was playing out. Sure Grayson had come out, but not in this manner. Whispers were starting to grow as people said things like "Did you know?" "Oh my god they are kissing." 

"Well," Scott said in his usual unsurprised manner, "told you they would know by lunch time."

Justin broke free and looked Nate in the eyes. 

"Please tell me I did not just do that."

Nate smiled and grinned. "That's why I love you." And returned the kiss again. 

This time the cafeteria erupted in cheers and hoots. Several people made comments, but they were deafened by the cheers coming from all around. 

"Leary! McGraw! Office! Now!" The principal bellowed over the shouts and cheers, and proceeded to make his way towards the two boys.

***

Moments later Justin and Nate were sitting in the principal's office. 

"Boys," Mr. Leary was standing behind his desk with his arms folded. "Do you have any idea why you are now sitting here in my office?"

Justin and Nate looked at each other, grinned, and looked back at the principal with a somber puppy dog look on their face. 

"No sir." They both said in unison.

"You disrupted the entire lunchroom, causing a ruckus, and have now contributed to a disrupted learning environment today." He grabbed his chair and sat down. "What possessed you to do that?"

"Sir, Grayson was being bullied by other boys for being gay, and I was tired of it." Justin responded. This was true, but he wasn't about to admit that he and Nate were in love. "I decided to embarrass them by kissing Nate."

"Yes sir." Nate said. "I just got in the roll too. We are really good friends, so I figured why not. I am sorry if this is causing some problems."

"Well, the stunt you pulled is going to cause more problems than you think. I will no doubt have parents calling complaining that I am allowing this behavior to happen. I will have to call your parents." He reached for the phone, but stopped. "Look. I don't care who you kiss on your own time. I don't care if it happens to be of the same sex. But I do not allow public displays of affection in my halls regardless. Now go sit out in the office and wait for your parents!"

***

Part IV

***

Justin sighed hard as he closed the book. He had not thought of the deep emotions he felt that day in high school. The day his life changed, both for the good and for the bad. He visited the day often to decide if it was the right choice, the wrong choice, or if the primal urges of mankind were always in control. He forgot about the intense emotions he experienced the moment he kissed Nate in front of everyone. 

He looked at the clock. It was 5 o'clock and Matt would be coming in two hours. He smiled as he thought how great it would be to see his brother. 

As he contemplated life deeper, he heard the front door open and close. He heard heavy footsteps coming down the hall and knew his father was coming down the hall. 

His father walked past the doorway and looked in. Justin smiled at him

.

"Hey dad." He said cheerfully. His dad was not that approachable, but he did love him. His dad never said anything against him when he found out, but never said anything supportive. Justin figured it was to keep the peace at home. When his mother went on a tirade, his father went to work. 

"Son." His father came in and sat down in the chair opposite the couch Justin was sitting in. Justin adjusted his position so he could face his father. 

They sat in silence for a few moments.

"Your brother is coming tonight. He said he had some big news." His father broke the silence.

"He didn't tell me anything." Justin pondered. He talked to him the night before, but nothing about bringing some news. "What do you imagine it could be?"

"Something big." His dad scratched the back of his hand. "Maybe they are going to have a kid."

Justin grinned. "Make mom happy."

His dad just rolled his eyes and sighed. "What about you?"

"What do you mean?" Justin's heart started to beat harder. He never had this conversation with his parents. It was an unspoken rule. 

"Do you have someone in your life?" His father shifted in the chair. Justin was not sure if he was getting comfortable or becoming uncomfortable. "I know we never talk about this, and I am sorry. You are one of my sons. I love you, and I care about your life, just as much as Matt."

"I know dad." Justin shifted. He was becoming uncomfortable. "I love you too."

They sat for a moment in silence again. 

"Do you have someone in your life?" his dad asked again, his voice giving off the sound he was annoyed at having to ask again. 

"No." Justin frowned for a bit and looked at the floor. 

"Have you talked to Nate since you have been down?" 

"I drove by, but he was having a wedding party." Justin just shrugged. "He emailed me and told me he wanted to see me when I was down. Not sure how he found out I would be here."

"I told his father you would be down." His father sighed for a moment. "Figured maybe Nate would like to see you again. Heard he might be getting married, but not this soon. I am sorry son."

"It's okay dad." Justin put on a smile. "I am okay. I will be okay. I am happy. My job is good."

"Good." His father went to get up. "I am sorry I could never get your mother to accept you for you. She is a stubborn woman." He laughed for a bit. "Don't you dare tell her I said that."

Justin grinned and turned his attention back to the window.

***

Justin and Nate sat in the office waiting for their parents to arrive. Justin shook his leg nervously as he looked around the office. Ms. Nelson, the office secretary, was busy typing on a computer, and filling reports. Every now and then she looked over with a frown at the two sitting there, but said nothing. 

Every now and then students would walk by the window and give a cheer as they saw the two sitting there. Justin grinned. He was happy to know the student body was approving at the moment. In the back of his head he wondered why they were supportive of Nate and himself, but so critical of Grayson. Maybe it was because Nate and Justin were not the stereotypical gay person. They were involved in sports, and other `male' oriented activities, while Grayson was in choir, drama, and band. 

"So what do you think parents will say?" Nate said silently.

"I will probably end up on the next car ride to the mental institution." Justin frowned and lowered his head. "They never say anything positive about gay people. What about you?"

"I am okay." Nate frowned a bit. "Mom knows. I told her over the summer that I had kissed you."

"What?" Justin said louder then he anticipated.

"Shh!" Ms. Nelson snapped from behind her desk. "No talking!"

"Why didn't you tell me?" Justin said again with bite. "I can't believe you did that and not tell me. What if she freaked out?"

"Her brother is gay." Nate just shrugged a bit. "She has always made it clear that if me or any of my siblings were gay, she would be okay with it."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Justin started to have tears in his eyes. He felt betrayed at this. Why wouldn't Nate tell him his parents knew?

"I didn't want you to feel compelled to tell your parents. I figured that you would tell them when the time was right." Nate grabbed Justin's hand and squeezed it. "It wasn't fair that I didn't tell you, but it wasn't fair that you would have felt forced to say something when you weren't ready." Nate laughed. "I guess you made up for it!"

"Shh!" Ms. Nelson said again with a sterner voice, moved behind her desk and stood up. "If you can't behave yourself you can sit on separate ends of the office."

At that moment Justin's mom rushed in the door, her hair a mess. She glanced quickly at Justin and Nate and then turned sharp. 

"I am Justin's mother." She didn't even wait for the secretary to respond. "I am here to see Mr. Lowe." She stood and didn't even bother looking at Justin. Justin could feel tears in his eyes but he swallowed hard and blinked his eyes quickly. 

"Mrs. Leary," the principal came out of his office. "I am sorry to have called you down, but if you will step into my office?" He motioned for his door, and his mom disappeared behind the closed door. 

"Well brother," a voice startled Justin as he was gazing at the door, "you really know how to put on a good show."

"Matt!" Justin jumped up and hugged his brother. "Why are you here?"

"Mom was freaking out, so I drove her up here. Tried to calm her down." He shrugged. "Didn't work." Nate let his brother go and looked at Nate. "Hey little man. I see you went on a wild ride."

"Yea." He blushed. Matt was awesome about everything, and he knew it was a great support for Justin. "It was fun."

"Nate?" Another woman's voice came from the door. 

"Hey mom." Nate got up and walked over. "Sorry you had to come down."

"As long as you are okay sweetie." She grabbed her son's hand and squeezed. "How are you Justin?"

"Um." He mumbled. He wasn't sure how to respond. He now looked at Nate's mom in a different light. She knew about everything, and she was accepting of it. Maybe if the worst came to worse, he could stay with Nate. He sighed. "I am fine."

"It will be fine sweetie. Your mom will come around. It will take some time but she will." She took Justin's hand and squeezed it. 

The principal's office door opened, and Justin jerked his hand back.

"Thank you Mrs. Leary." The principal said. "I am sorry this happened, but he can come back tomorrow."

Justin's mom said nothing, but just gave a stone cold look at Justin, and then motioned for Matt to leave. Nate's mom gave a quick squeeze of Justin's hand before he left. 

***

The drive home was silent. Justin sat in the back seat, while Matt drove, and his mother sat in the front seat. She just stared out the front window without saying anything. Matt kept looking in the rear-view mirror and gave a smile now and then to show his support. 

As they pulled up the driveway, Justin saw his father standing on the porch, and then ducked inside the house. Justin's mom opened her side of the door, and got out without saying anything, and closed the door. 

"It will be fine." Matt said, turning around in the car seat. "It will be hard, but they will be okay. You will be okay. This will be for the better."

Justin again felt the tears well up in his eyes. He did not know what to say, or if he should say anything. 

"So what made you decide to just French Nate in front of the entire student body?" Matt asked.  "I mean there are more subtle ways to come out."

"Stupid Miller and Lambton were poking fun at Nate and Grayson, and I couldn't stand it anymore. I got angry. I wanted to prove that he may have been saying hurtful things, but he couldn't hurt anyone with his words." Justin squeezed his hand and punched the seat next to him several times.

"Well," Matt smiled, "I am glad you have morals and a sense of justice. Are you ready to face the music?" Matt climbed out of the car and opened the door for Justin to get out. "By the way the Bishop has been called. Mom thinks you need to do some heavy repenting."

***

Inside Justin found his mother and father sitting quietly at the bar in the kitchen. His dad was drinking a bottle of root beer, and his mother was playing with the fringe of the placemat. She had a glass of water in front of her, but was not drinking anything. Matt walked in and gave his father a hug, and stood in the middle, attempting to take the role of peacemaker. 

Justin sighed heavily, and walked in. 

"I can't believe you did that." His mother started. She was calm, which was a surprise. "You know that is a sin, and that is something you should never do. You have allowed for the devil to get your soul, and are making a fool of yourself, and this family. Nate must have been a bad influence on you over the summer."

"He didn't do anything." Justin mumbled. He wanted to go to his room and just go to sleep. "I wanted to do it. I wanted him!" He pounded his fist on the countertop. His dad glared at him and Justin bowed his head. "Sorry sir." 

"There is nothing right about two men getting together." His mother didn't seem to hear him.

"Have you two done more than just kiss?"

"That has been it." Justin said, feeling the anger well up. He wanted to punch the wall, or the table, or something, but knew his father would not tolerate such actions. 

"Well hopefully there will be salvation for your actions." His mother stood up and walked to the sink and dumped her water out. "I am sure Sister McGraw is just as furious with Nate. I don't think you two will be seeing each other except at school and church. But I will see to it that you two are not near each other as much as possible. You need to find yourself a girl to be with!" His mother put her hands on the sink. "I am sure everyone at Church will know of your actions, and we will be seen as the worst people in the world. I am not sure if I can or should show my face in church."

"Really mom?" Matt turned to his mother. He never argued, but he wasn't going to remain silent. "Justin is going through something that is scaring him, and you are more worried about your personal appearance and reputation in church?"

"You condone this behavior?" she spun around and glared at her oldest. "You are about to go on a mission. You need to be wary of this behavior, as it will turn you as well. Somewhere Justin was exposed to such ideas, and influenced him."

"Justin is still my brother, and I love him." Matt turned to Justin and smiled. "I am not going to catch being gay by loving him and carrying just as much for him as I always have."

"Sinful nature." His mother waved her hand. "You had better hope these ideas do not interfere with your mission eligibility, or your relationship with Lori."

"Lori thinks it's cute." Matt crossed his arms in open defiance. Justin looked at his dad who just looked blank as he took a drink of his root beer. Justin was surprised he didn't tell Matt not to talk back to his mother. "I think Nate has been good for Justin. His grades have improved, he has been happy, he has also been more involved in Church than ever before."

"Cute?!" his mother shot back. "This behavior is not cute! This behavior is deviant, disgusting behavior." She started to storm out of the room. "The Bishop will be here in a bit. I hope he can bring some clarity to this mess you have made Justin, and that you are able to turn back on the path of God. You are no longer allowed to go out, except for school and church activities!" She stormed out of the kitchen.

Justin sighed and looked at the counter trying to push back tears. He knew this would be coming, but still the flood of emotions was unexpected. 

"Nate was a good farm hand. Best I had in years." His father said absently, and walked out of the room.  Justin and Matt dropped their jaws and watched with astonishment as their father walked out of the kitchen.

***

Justin was laying in bed looking out his window. His hand was absently rubbing his stomach as he thought about the day's events. He wanted to desperately call Nate, but knew his mother would see the phone in use. Just over a year ago he had given up on finding anyone to care for, and now, he had someone, his chances to be around him were disappearing as quick as the sun rays in the evening sky. 

"Hey!" Matt walked into the room. He had the cordless phone in his hand. "Lori wants to say hi!"

He walked over and sat on the side of the bed. He held the phone out for Justin to grab. 

"I don't want to talk to anyone." Justin pushed the phone with his hand.

"Oh come on. She is worried about you." With a wink he put the phone in Justin's hand.

With a sigh he picked up the phone. "Hey Lori."

"Hey sweetness." A male voice replied. "I am sorry."

"Hey!" Justin's face lit up. "Are you okay?"

"I am fine," Nate responded. "I am worried about you. Matt told me what happened. I wish I could be there."

"Me too." Justin tried to hold back tears, but couldn't. "I miss you. My mom said I couldn't see you anymore. Plus I have to meet with the Bishop."

"Well we will find a way. This town is not that large. We will bump into each other I am sure. And there is always school." Nate said with a cheery sound. 

Justin heard the front doorbell. "I better get going. I think the Bishop is here."

"Love you." 

"Love you too."

***

Justin and the Bishop sat across from each other in Justin's father's office. The Bishop had a smile on his face, and was looking at everything in the room.

"It has been a while since I have been in this room." He looked around. "Me and your father go a long way back. Used to be business partners, but I got out of the livestock business and went into science."

"He talks about it now and then." Justin muttered back. 

"So your mom tells me she is concerned about stuff." The Bishop crossed his legs. "I know we had this conversation before about you having same-sex attractions."

"It's progressed a bit."

"So I hear. How long?" The Bishop had his arms resting on the arms of the chair and kept smiling. Justin felt unnerved. 

"Since this summer." Justin sighed. He wasn't about to hold anything back. "We were out tending to the field and eating lunch. I knew I had a strong attraction to Nate, but never felt he had the same feelings. We ended up kissing out of nowhere. We have been together since that time." 

"How do you feel about it?" the Bishop asked, not giving any hint of being angry. 

"What do you mean?" Justin asked, probing the question a bit. He was not sure what the Bishop was getting at. 

"Well, do you feel ashamed of your behavior?"

"No." Justin shrugged. "When I kiss Nate, I feel love and compassion. I don't feel like I have done anything wrong."

"And all you have done is kiss?" 

"Yes." Justin shrugged. "We both feel that going any further would be inappropriate. I have thought about it, but never acted upon it. I am sure the urge is the same as Matt and Lori."

"I see." The Bishop paused for a moment. He closed his eyes as if he were meditating on the issue. Justin waited patiently. 

"I am not a man who professes to know everything. I know what the Church says, and I know what the Bible and Book of Mormon states. I think that as long as you are keeping the commandments, there is nothing for me to do, or for you to do. You are walking a fine line however. The emotions you are feeling when you are with Nate can and will grow to something more. We all need a sense of love and belonging. Some are born with different feelings, and have to decide for themselves what path to take. You will have to decide which path to take. I can attempt to help as best I can, but if you do decide to cross that line, I would hope you come talk to me."

Justin sat silent not sure what to say. He looked at the floor waiting for the Bishop to finish. 

"Know that we love you Justin. God loves you." The Bishop stood up and walked over to Justin patting him on the back. "You will still be expected to complete your duties at Church of course. Both you and Nate." 

The Bishop opened the door and walked out into the living area to visit with the rest of the family. Justin was stunned. He thought he would have received a sermon on the evils of being gay and acting upon it. He sat for a few minutes contemplating what had occurred. Standing up he walked out to see what the family was talking about.

"... and Sister Lowery, I do not see any reason why Justin should not be allowed to continue the activities and have time with his friends, whoever they may be." The Bishop was talking to Justin's mom who was shaking her head. Apparently she didn't like the idea that his actions were not that dire, and that he should not be punished for those actions. "I do appreciate your hospitality, but I must be going."

He shook the hands of his mother, father, and brother before heading out. He stood and watched as his mom closed the door, and turned slowly. 

"Apparently the Bishop feels that your actions are not that bad. He feels that you should be allowed to continue your activities as you see fit. Nate will not be allowed in this house ever again. I think you still need to find a girl, maybe Kimberly, and find where you went wrong." She brushed her hair out of her face. 

His father walked over to the stairway and started to head up.

"Good night boys."

***

The next morning Matt decided to take Justin to school. Usually his mother drove him, but after the previous night, Matt felt it would be more appropriate for him to do so. Also, he would be leaving for college soon.

Matt pulled up to the front of the school and put the car in park.

"Are you going to be okay?" Matt looked at Justin with concern in his eyes.

Justin gripped the backpack in his lap as if it was a security blanket.  "I will be fine. Nate, Kimberly, Scott, and Mark are here." He reached for the handle to the car. "Thanks for being an awesome brother and a best friend Matt." 

"See you after school." Matt patted Justin on the back as he got out. 

***

As Justin made his way up the steps to enter the school, the students outside watched him, but didn't say anything. Justin did not care to notice if they were whispering amongst themselves, or just watching. He was focused on one objective: finding Nate. 

As he stepped in the front door he was greeted by the principal.

"Justin." Mr. Lowe said with a slight smile on his face. Justin could tell he was under stress and he couldn't help but think it was because of his actions. "Can you step into my office for a moment. I need to talk to you about some things."

Justin nodded his head and followed Mr. Lowe into his office. He sat when Mr. Lowe pointed to the chair on one side of his desk, and he took the one opposite. Mr. Lowe had a habit of not putting the desk between him and the students when he talked. It unnerved Justin.

"Justin, about yesterday." Mr. Lowe started to talk calmly. Justin braced for a scolding. "The events of yesterday have had a profound impact on the student body. There are many students who have rallied to your side, and demanded that you be allowed to return to school. They did not know you went home for your own safety. Nonetheless many teachers complained that they were unable to control their classrooms." He paused for a moment. "There are also some students who have expressed dissatisfaction towards your display, and would like to see you kicked out. I cannot do that since you have not broken any school rules that would warrant such action. I ask that you please be modest in your interactions with Nate."

"Yes sir." Justin said meekly. "I am sorry I caused you problems."

"Bah!" Mr. Lowe blurted out. "No problems, just many complaints. Nothing I can't handle." He smiled. "Now your mother was not happy about the situation, and wanted me to assure her that you would be put as far from Nate as possible."

"But..." Justin started but Mr. Lowe put his hand up to stop Justin from progressing any further. 

"I am sorry Justin, but your mother is in charge of you. While I cannot stop you directly as there has been no physical harm done to you, I was forced to change your schedule. You will not be having any classes with Nate, and your lunch has been moved to the second lunch time period." Mr. Lowe grabbed a paper off his desk. "You will have the same teachers, just at different time periods."

"Yes sir." Justin grabbed the paper and looked at it and then dropped his head and sighed. 

"I am truly sorry Justin." Mr. Lowe had sincerity in his voice that shocked Justin. He expected Mr. Lowe to be brimstone and fire when it came to this issue. "I hate to see my students suffer, but I have to obey your mothers wishes." He stood up and walked to his door. "Now if you rush you can have some time before the first bell rings."

Justin picked up his back and walked out of the office with his head hung low. He was looking forward to his English and History class, as he would be able to at least see Nate. Now he would have to go the whole day without seeing Nate. He figured he would get in a good 30 minutes a day with Nate, if he were lucky. 

Justin made his way into the commons area, to see if Nate was there yet. Sometimes Nate was late getting to school, but today he was sitting with Kimberly, Scott, and Mark. Justin looked around the room for Grayson, but did not see him. He quickly walked over to the table.

"Hey!" he tried to seem as upbeat as possible. "How are you all doing?"

"Fine." Scott said in his normal calm manner. Nothing seemed to get this guy excited. "Not as fun this morning as yesterday afternoon, but still fine."

"Pish." Kimberly said. "Scott always understates the events. Yesterday afternoon was amazing. There were discussions everywhere about you and Nate kissing. The teachers couldn't do a thing."

Justin ignored Kimberly and Scott with a nod and looked at Nate. Nate just looked back.

"Missed you." Nate said finally to break the stare. He nudged Kimberly who moved over to sit next to Mark.

"I missed you too." Justin sat down next to Nate, and grabbed his hand under the table.

"So what did Mr. Lowe want with you this morning?" Scott said looking a bit more interested in the activities going on with his friends.

"I had my schedule changed. Apparently my mother doesn't want me anywhere near Nate, so she had him make my schedule as inconvenient for that as possible." He put the paper on the table. "I have a second lunch, so won't be able to eat with any of you guys. I had my history and English classes flipped so we won't be in the same classes anymore. Depressing."

"I am sure we can work something out." Nate said with a smile on his face. "I am just glad we can have some time in the morning and possibly after school."

"So what did the Bishop say?" Kimberly said wanting to know that juicy information. She knew it wouldn't have been bad since it was a kiss. She had kissed boys before and never got into trouble for it. Then again she was a girl.

"It went okay. He said it wasn't as big of a deal as my mother said it was." He smiled. "He said I still had all my responsibilities at Church, along with Nate."

"Church? Bishop?" Mark said, looking around the group. "What religion are you?"

"They are Mormons." Scott interjected. "Very strict moral rules. No dating till you are 16. No pre-marital sex. No personal gratification. No drinking. No smoking. No fun at all."

"That's not fair to say." Kimberly barked. She defended her faith with a sharp tongue that many did not want to cross. "We have rules to help us stay safe. Some of the rules may seem archaic and old school to some people, but if you think about it, they do prevent major problems from happening."

"They do not approve of love?" Mark pointed at Nate and Justin.

"Well yes, but not between two people of the same sex." Kimberly sighed. "There is some logic in the doctrine for it." She frowned at Justin. "I am sorry to say that."

"I agree." Justin said. "I think there is some logic to it as well. The Bishop said as long as I keep it to just kissing and making out I am fine." He looked at Nate. "But I should talk to him if I want to go further."

"We will cross that bridge when we get there." Nate smiled and squeezed Justin's hand. "For now, I am content to just hold your hand."

"There will come a day when it will not matter what your gender is. Mankind will advance to a new stage of understanding." Scott said absently. "It will take several generations, but you two will see the change."

Mark looked at Scott with some interest in his words. "I met someone like you before. They called him crazy."

Everyone laughed.

***

The day went smoothly for Justin. No one bothered him or asked him any questions. He decided not to eat lunch, as there was no one he really wanted to sit and visit with. He ended up eating in the commons area in the spot they usually sat at in the morning. He just watched people, and found the interactions between people interesting.

"Anything interesting?" A light male voice came up behind him.

"What?" Justin jumped a bit and turned around quickly. "Ah, no. Not really."

The boy laughed a bit. "I am sorry if I scared you." He slid on the bench across from where Justin was sitting. Justin frowned, as he had no idea who this boy was.

"Name is Neil Palmer." The boy extended his hand. "I just moved here and started today. I don't know anyone too well, and saw you sitting here alone, so figured I would say hi."

"Justin Leary." Justin extended his hand to shake. The boy had a firm grip, and his hand was soft and warm. Justin had to concentrate to not stare into the boy's face. He had short spiked blonde hair, and deep blue eyes that looked like the ocean. He had a bit of facial hair growing on his chin that gave him a rough boy image. His chin was square, and his teeth glowed with a white aura. His skin had a golden tan to it, like he spent his days outside.  "Where are you from?"

"California." He said looking around. "Parents moved here to work at Tech. Been here for about a week. I am not good at making friends, so I apologize if I am intruding."

"No intrusion." Justin smiled. "I had to change lunches today due to my schedule, so all my friends are in class right now."

"That's a bummer." Neil looked around at the other students in the commons. He noticed some of them were whispering while looking over in his direction. "Is there any reason why they are looking at us and whispering?"

"Oh." Justin frowned. "I guess you didn't hear about the 'incident' that happened yesterday."

"Yes I did." Neil tapped his finger on the table looking like this was old news to him already. "Two guys kissing in the cafeteria. Big whoop."

"Well," Justin swallowed hard. "I am the one that kissed the other guy, and they are probably whispering about if you are also," he paused for a second, "Different."

"Oh." Neil twisted his mouth to one side and looked like he was in deep thought. "Nope. I am straight." He smiled. "I thought about it, but couldn't do that. I am sorry."

Justin's laugh was louder than he anticipated. 

"Glad to see you laugh. You look like you could laugh some." He pulled out his schedule from his pocket and handed it to Justin. "Anything we have in common?"

Justin scanned the schedule. "Nothing in the morning, but the three classes this afternoon we have together." He smiled. Maybe this wouldn't be as bad as he thought. He had made a friend, and he had someone to hang out with during lunch. If he were lucky, his other friends would be cool with him as well. 

"Great!" Neil took the paper back from Justin and folded it to put back in his pocket. "I am glad I sat down with you."

"Me too." Justin smiled. 

They continued to talk about random things before the bell rang to go to class. 

***

"I love our German teacher." Neil said as they left the last class of the day. "He seems really neat."

"Mr. Sylver is pretty awesome." Justin said coming out right behind him. "My brother had him for three years of German and one year of French. I don't think he can speak a lick of either language, but he had a blast."

As they walked towards the lockers a female voice called out behind them. "Justin!"

Justin stopped and turned around. It was Kimberly.

"Hey Kimberly." Justin grinned. "This is Neil. He is a new student here."

"Hel..." she trailed off as she caught an eye full of Neil's good looks for the first time. She stood motionless for a moment before continuing. "...lo."

"Smooth." Justin rolled his eyes and turned around to walk towards his locker. Neil laughed a bit.

"Hi Kimberly." He said and turned to follow Justin. Kimberly followed them. 

"So, uh, Justin," she said, still watching Neil walk in front of her. His back looked solid and his butt was tight. "Me and Scott are going to hang at my house tonight to read the chapters assigned by Mrs. Watson. Already having to read for her class."

"I have to check with my mom." Justin paused for a moment. "Is Nate going to be there?"

"I haven't asked, but I am sure he will come." Kimberly looked at Neil. "You can come too if you like."

"Sure." Neil said with a smile. 

They approached Neil's locker first, and Justin stopped to wait for him to grab his stuff.

"My mom may not let me go if Nate will be there." Justin sighed. He thought this might be a way to hang out with Nate for a bit, but his mom wouldn't allow it. "I will have to ask."

"Just tell her he won't be there." Kimberly shrugged. "What she doesn't know won't hurt her."

Neil closed the locker and was looking confused. "Why can't you be around this Nate?"

Justin coughed a bit. "He is the one I had the incident with yesterday."

"Ah." Neil shrugged and seemed to be caught up. "Let's go get your stuff." Justin led the way.

"She will probably call your mom and ask at various points to see if he is there." Justin shook his head and frowned. "She will go to any lengths to stop me I am sure."

"Tell her Mark, Scott, and new friend Neil will be there. I will also see if Jan can come over." 

A long sigh escaped Justin's mouth. "I may not want to come at all."

Out of all the people Justin knew, Jan Stone was the one person he detested the most. She had the `mightier-than-thou' attitude. He was not sure where she got the idea that she was better than everyone else, but she seemed to always tell people the proper way to do something. He remembered one time at church he was trying to fold a tablecloth, and no matter how hard he did it, Jan never agreed it was the right way. 

"She is not that bad." Kimberly dragged her finger along the lockers they passed. The halls were getting empty as people ran out the door. 

As they approached Justin's locker, Nate was standing waiting. Justin's eyes lit up and he put on a big smile. He had to resist the urge to break into a run.

"Hey." Justin said as he tried to act like nothing was going on. 

"Hey to you." Nate grinned. "Missed you."

"I missed you too." Justin spun the lock to the proper combination and opened his locker to pull out his books. "I missed you so much, I had to replace you." He nodded his head toward Neil.

"Neil." Neil extended his hand to Nate. Nate just stared. Neil looked at his hand. "What is it with people today?"

"Just have to ignore them." A voice came up behind them. "It is not often they see someone as bronzed as you."

"Hey Scott." Kimberly said. "Scott, this is Neil. Neil, this is Scott. You will have to excuse him. He has no filter and says what he wants."

Neil extended his hand to Scott, and Scott took it with a firm shake. "I see you have meet our resident gay couple." He said, again with his normal, blunt way.

"Yes." Neil looked at Nate, who seemed to have recovered, and had turned his attention to Justin. "Very charming."

"Are we meeting at your house tonight Kim?" Scott said

.

"Yes." She brushed a strand of hair out of her eye. "I am trying to get Justin to come, but he is afraid his mother won't let him if she knows Nate is coming."

"I will see what I can do. What time?" Justin turned around closing the locker.

"Six." She smiled. "Please try to make it." She turned her attention towards Neil. "And I hope to see you as well."

Scott and Kimberly walked off towards the exit leaving Justin, Nate, and Neil standing.

"She likie you." Nate said with a smile. 

"She is quite attractive I must say." Neil grinned. "Maybe a bit hyperactive, but I am cool with that."

Nate wrote something on a piece of paper and handed it to Neil. 

"This is her address, along with her number, my number, and Justin's number." He smiled. "If you need a ride just call, and I am sure I can come by and get you." 

"Thanks." Neil pocketed the number and smiled. "I need to run. I think my sister is waiting for me. See you tonight." He ran off down the hall.

"I wonder how he is so fit?" Nate watched as he ran down the hall. 

"I don't know. He is from California. Maybe it's the raisins or something." Justin ran his lips across his lips. "Let's get some quality time in before Matt gets here." They both ran down the hall to the exit outside. 

***

Part V

****

Justin went down the stairs when he saw Matt pull up in his car right at 7. He was thrilled he would be able to see his brother and his wife Lori. She was a great woman, and was happy that Matt had been able to date her in high school, but married her when he got back from his mission. 

They tried very hard to conceive a child as soon as they got married, but were unable to. They ended up adopting a boy who was one named Chris. This of course made Justin's mom very happy, as she would now have a grandson. He would turn thirteen in two months. 

While Justin had a key to the door, his mom reached the door to open it and great them.

"Matt!" she said with a squeal, and gave him a big hug.

"Hi mom." He hugged her back and saw Justin coming down the stairs. "Hey champ."

"Hey!" Justin got to the bottom of the stairs and waited for mom to finish hugging Matt before getting his own. 

Following Matt, Chris came in and gave his grandmother a half hearted hug. He was getting tall, about five foot in height. He had a lanky build, and had brown spiked hair. He saw Justin and smiled and walked over to give a fuller hug. 

"Hi Uncle Justin." Chris said with a smile. His voice was squeaky, which made Justin chuckle a bit. He gave Justin a big hug.

"You are getting tall, mister." Justin pulled him back and looked at him. "And your voice is starting to change."

"Yep." Was all Chris said as he stood next to Justin.

Next came Lori who was carrying a basket full of fruits. 

"Good to see you Lori." his mom said as she took the basket and gave Lori a hug. 

"Good to see you too Linda." Lori responded. She and Justin's mom got along great, but Justin figured it was because she was the one that provided the grandchildren. 

They all walked into the kitchen where the food smelled good. Justin's mom always cooked a ton of food when she had everyone at home. If anyone went hungry at this table, it was their own fault. There would also be a large dinner on Sunday after church. 

They sat around the kitchen table chatting and filling in on the missed information. Justin did not provide much in his own personal life, except for how well his job was going, and how things in Washington were. Justin knew better than to bring anything up. That would be when Matt and Justin were able to have some alone time. 

"So what's the big news?" Justin's mom asked Matt.

"I will tell you when dad gets here." He smiled at his mother. 

Just then the front door opened and his dad walked in.

Lori got up and walked over to him and gave him hug. Justin's dad gave her a light hug back. 

"Hey dad." Matt said smiling.

"Son. You doing alright?" His father asked with a smile on his face. 

"Pretty good."

"Hey grandpa!" Chris said as he walked up to his grandfather. Since Justin's dad was gruff sometimes, Chris always had a reserved attitude around him. Justin's dad loved Chris, and always made time for him.

"Hey kid-o." His grandfather said, grabbing Chris and giving him a big hug. 

"Are you ready to eat dear?" Justin's mom asked his dad. 

"Let me wash up." He walked to the bathroom. 

They all made their way into the dinning room, where his mom had set everything out. Lori helped her bring in the food dishes and set them around. On one side of the table sat Justin, and Chris, with Lori and Matt sitting on the opposite side. Justin's mom and dad sat on the ends of the table. 

After a blessing on the food, they all dug in. They proceeded with small talk. 

"So what's this big announcement?" Justin's dad asked Matt, after he had finished eating. 

"Well," Matt said as he dabbed his mouth and put his napkin on the plate, "There are actually two announcements I wanted to make. The first one is job related. We have a potential drug that may help reverse the effects of some immune inhibiting viral agents. We are going into human testing in January. If this works we can save a ton of people."

"Immune inhibiting viral agents?" Justin's mom said looking confused.

"Things like AIDS." Matt said, taking a sip of water. He was trying to avoid the word.

"Oh." His mother laughed a bit. "I figured you were working on more important things like cancer."

"Mom." Matt started to say but closed his mouth. "We are working on those projects too. This just happened first, that's all."

"Cancer is killing decent folk more than AIDS is." She continued to say. 

Justin just looked down at his plate and moved some peas around. 

"You know more heterosexuals get infected by HIV and AIDS than homosexuals do." Lori offered to try and focus the discussion.

Justin's mom just shrugged her shoulders. "This type of conversation is deserved elsewhere besides the dinner table. What else?" She was not happy at the turn of the conversation. 

"Well," Matt looked at Lori and grabbed her hand, "We are going to have another child."

"Another?" Justin's mom got up and hugged Lori who was sitting next to her. "Oh I am so happy. When did you find out?"

"We found out about a month ago, but wanted to wait and make sure." Lori said, "We have had so many," she paused looking for the word, "false calls."

"Congratulations son." Justin's father patted his son's arm. "Are you excited Chris?"

"I guess." Chris was playing with a pea as well, not wholly into the conversation. 

"Oh I am so happy for you Matt." His mother continued. "Nothing like having a good wife to make you happy, and having kids around. That is what makes a family."

Justin looked at Lori and then back at Matt. "I am happy for you guys." He said, trying to sound excited. He knew the words his mother picked were to sting him. He went back to moving his peas around.

"Mom." Matt said with a bit of anger coming to his eyes. "Please don't act that way."

"I am just pointing out facts." His mother shrugged. "Don't know what the big deal is. Who wants dessert?" She walked out of the dinning room to get the apple pie she had made. 

"Dad," Justin looked at his dad, "Do you mind if I am excused? I am not feeling well."

For the first time Justin saw in his dad's eyes the sympathy and the hurt he felt for his son. 

"Yes son." He patted him on the back as he got up and left.

"Where did Justin go?" Justin could hear his mother ask as he leaned against the wall, just as you left the dining room. He was breathing hard, and trying to hold back tears. 

"He wasn't feeling good for some reason." Matt said with a bit of spite in his voice. 

Justin made it up to his room, and sat on his bed. He didn't bother turning on the light, and could see the moon shining brightly outside. It was almost a full moon. He pulled out his cell phone and contemplated dialing Sharron to see how things were going. He decided to text her instead.

He threw the phone on the pillow and lay down with his feet pressed up on the wall about the head of his bed. He always did this when he was contemplating something deep. He didn't know why he got upset when his mother said things like that. He was sure she didn't mean them, and just said them because that is what she had been raised to think. 

A slight knock on the door. 

Justin rolled around on his bed to face the door.

"It's open." He said loud enough to hear on the other side. 

The door cracked open a bit and he could see a short shadow on the floor. 

"Come on Chris." Justin smiled. He loved his little nephew. He was so happy when Matt and Lori adopted him. It made his day to have someone to spoil. Which he did every moment he could.

"Are you okay Uncle Justin?" Chris came in.

"I am okay. Just was not feeling too well." Justin flipped a switch next to his bed to have the lamp come on. "I am better now. Just needed to lay down."

"Mom and dad always say grandma makes you upset." Chris sat down on the bed next to Justin. "They say it is because you are different, and grandma doesn't approve of you being different."

"Well," Justin said, trying to find the words to say. "I….Well….I…." He couldn’t think of what to say.

"Chris!" Justin could hear Lori down the hall. "Where did you go?"

Chris got off the bed and walked to the door and peaked out. "In Uncle Justin's room."

Justin could hear Lori walking down the hall and she knocked on the door and poked her head in.

"Do you mind if I join you?"

"Come on in." Justin said with a smile. Lori was awesome, and had helped him many times when Matt had gone on his mission. She was a sister to him.

"What are you two talking about?" She pulled the office chair around and sat down in it. Chris resumed his place on the bed.

"I was asking Uncle Justin if he was feeling okay, and if Grandma had made him upset." Chris said without missing a beat. "Because he is different."

"Ah." Justin could see Lori's face turn a shade of red. She was embarrassed by her son's bluntness.

"I have a friend who is just as blunt as you are Chris." Justin laughed remembering how Scott was able to do the same thing to everyone around. 

"I am sorry Justin." Lori said. "We told him you liked other men, and that made you different, but not enough to make fun of."

"It's okay." Justin smiled. "Yes I am different." He was glad he had that cleared up. 

"You're my favorite uncle." Chris said. 

"Why is that?" Lori asked. 

"Because he is different." Chris stood. "I am different too." He gave Chris a hug, and walked out the door to go find something else to do. 

Lori's mouth dropped a bit as she watched her son walk out the door. 

"That's interesting." Justin said after a moment of silence.

"I think I will need to talk with him." Lori was watching the door and stayed silent for a moment longer. "Or have Matt do it."

She turned her attention back to Justin. "Are you sure you are okay?" 

"Yes." Justin said with a smile on his face. "I know she can't help it. She is just doing what is natural for her to do. I am glad you two are going to have another child. That is exciting."

"Very." She smiled and got out of the chair and kissed Justin on the forehead. "I love you Justin. Just the way you are."

"I love you too." Justin said getting up to give her a hug. She walked back out the room to go see what trouble her son was getting into.

Justin laid back down on the bed, and was about to reach over and turn off the lamp when another knock made him look up. 

"Hey champ." Matt said, stepping in. He never waited to be invited in, which caused some interesting interruptions of activities. "Just saw Lori come out and wanted to make sure you were okay."

"I am good." Justin moved over on his bed so Matt could lie next to him. 

"We haven't done this in a while." Matt said, looking up at the ceiling. 

"Yea." Justin said, rubbing his belly again. "I miss having you near me to talk to. There is an opening for my work in the Albuquerque office. I always thought about transferring."

"You have a life there." Matt turned to face his brother. "You would be giving up so much."

"Not much of a life. I have a couple of friends, but nothing really going for me there."

"No man?" 

"Nope." Justin tapped his belly. "There was this one guy, but all he wanted was to get laid. Once he found out that was not what I was into, he left."

"What about this flight attendant?"

"I told him I would call him when I got back to Washington. He seemed like a nice enough guy. Cute too."

"Tell me about him." Matt asked with sincerity. He really did want to know about Justin's life. 

Matt described his looks to Justin. Justin grinned.

“For someone not too interested in a guy, you have him described in vivid detail.” Matt laughed as he punched Justin's arm.  "Why not call him now?" Matt said with a sly grin. "Why wait till you get back. I mean if you want to get to know him, call. After all that's what phones are for!"

Justin thought for a moment, and then smiled. "Okay!" 

He reached over Matt to his nightstand and grabbed his phone. He had put the number in his phone as soon as he could, and so he just found his name in the phone. Matt watched as Justin hit the call button and grinned at seeing how nervous Justin was. 

"Aw man. Voice mail." Justin listened to the message. "Says he is on a flight and will call back as soon as he lands." Justin paused for a moment. "Hey Jason, this is Justin. We met on a flight the other day and you gave me your number. I just wanted to check up with you. Still in New Mexico, but figured why not. Um. If you want, call me back." Justin gave him his phone number and then hung up. "I sounded like a school boy with his first crush."

"Awesome!" Matt sat up. "I would love to talk, but I am really tired. We can go to the mountains tomorrow and go for a hike."

"Sounds good." Justin watched Matt start to head out of his room. "I love you bro."

"Love you too champ." With that Matt closed his door, and Justin fell into a deep sleep. 

***

Justin woke to the sound of something crashing in his room. He popped his head up and looked around. His eyes adjusted to the light coming in from the window. He couldn't see anything. He reached over for his lamp when he saw a shadow moving across his window. 

The figure was about 6'0, but he couldn't get a good look at the face, or any other features. Justin started to panic, and he wildly swept the nightstand for the lamp switch or his cell phone. He couldn't find it. 

The figure stopped next to him and he could feel the heat from the body. He also felt a hand touch his. It was warm, and caused a spark of electricity to pass his body. Instantly he calmed down, and felt the hand was familiar. 

"I know you." Justin said absently. "I know who you are."

"You saved my life." The figure said. He couldn't place the voice, but he knew the touch. "You gave me a second chance in my life, and I want to repay you for the kindness you have shown me."

The figure bent down and Justin could make out the square jaw of a man, and deep blue eyes that sparkled in the moonlight. Justin thought the eyes looked familiar. The figure touched lips and Justin felt the world melt around him. 

"I never saved anyone's life." Justin said after a few moments locked with the individual. "How do I know you?"

The figure got on the bed and straddled Justin. "You loved me, even though you didn't know me." The figure again bent over and kissed Justin. Justin could feel the sexual energy growing.

The figure again broke away and started to pull Justin's shirt off, which Justin was happy to get off. He then proceeded to feel for the figure's shirt, but only felt the warm skin of the man on top of him. It felt so familiar, but he wasn't sure why. 

The figure started to kiss Justin's neck, which sent an arch of fire down his body.

***

Justin woke up screaming out loud. He looked around and saw no one was there. He was panting hard. He took deep breaths realizing he was just dreaming. Dreaming of a stranger. Justin grabbed his head. The dream was so real; the feel, the touch, everything. 

He sighed hard. 

He had these dreams before when he was in high school and college. He pulled back the covers and saw that he had ejaculated in his pajamas. The spot was growing as cum soaked into his clothing.  A wet dream. He was too old for this and groaned.

A knock on his door.

"Justin are you alright?" It was his mother. She must have heard him scream.

"I am fine. Just had a bad dream." He called back. He did not need to have her see this mess. 

"Okay." She said and he could hear her walk off. 

Flipping on the light, Justin climbed out of bed and went to his drawer to get a new pair of pajama pants to sleep in. He normally slept in the nude at his apartment in Seattle, but here he didn't want to have someone walk in on him. 

Another knock at the door.

"Justin?" It was Matt.

"Come in." Justin called. Matt opened the door and peaked in. He saw the pajama pants laying on the floor. 

"Everything okay?" Matt looked concerned. "Heard you scream."

"It was that dream again." Justin slumped on the side of his bed with his hands to his face. "I thought I was over those."

Matt looked at the pile of clothes again and nodded. This was a common occurrence shortly after he had returned from his mission in Los Angeles. For a while it was a weekly event. They always shook Justin up.

"When was the last time you dreamed this?" Matt sat next to his brother and hugged him.

"College." Justin frowned. "They stopped after Nate and I broke up."  

"Hold on, I will be right back." Matt walked out of the room, but returned almost as quickly as he had gone. He shut the door behind him. 

"Let's get some sleep." Matt crawled into bed next to his brother.

"I am a big boy." Justin said laughing. "I don't need to have a nightlight either."

"Justin," Matt said as he lay down, "When you first had these dreams you could never fall back asleep. You were convinced someone had snuck in your room and raped you."

"I know better." Justin punched his brother in the arm. 

"Well let's just chalk this up to old times." He smiled as he rolled over. "We can officially call this a sleepover."

Justin nodded. He rolled over on his side and turned off the light. Deep down inside his heart was still racing. Secretly he was happy his brother was there.

***

Part VI

***

The next morning Justin woke up and felt a body next to him. He was about to jerk out of bed before he remembered Matt had joined him in the night due to his dream. He felt foolish being scared of the dream. But it always seemed real.

He looked at the clock and noticed it was only 6:00 AM.

Justin stretched a bit and got up to find his way to the bathroom. Matt rolled over and continued to sleep. His brother: the lazy one. Of course that was fine considering Matt owned his own company. A very successful biotech company that he had built from the ground up. 

Lori had helped him run it from just a small office with 2 other people working to a multinational business in just ten years. The big breakthrough was a cancer detection system that was cheaper, and more accurate then any before. Justin had designed the main computer system of the company. Every now and then he was called in to fix a glitch the other techs could not figure out. After building the system, Justin received an offer to work for a high tech firm in Seattle. 

After leaving the bathroom Justin decided to check to see who else was up at this hour. He expected to find his dad, but that was it. As he heard the kitchen he could hear Lori talking to someone..

"Why do you think that?" She asked in a soft but stern voice.

"I just do." A light male voice returned to her. It was Chris. "I just don't like girls that much. I much prefer to hang out with Steven at school."

"That doesn't mean anything." Lori said with a sigh. "I love you son no matter what, but you do not need to jump to this conclusion just yet."

"I do like Steven." Chris said in defiance. "And he likes me. I don't know what the big deal is. You always tell me that Uncle Justin is normal."

"He is normal." Lori said. "But you need to understand…." The scrapping of a chair on the floor and the sound of footsteps moving towards Justin interrupted her. Justin composed himself as if he hadn't heard the scenario. 

"Hey little man." Justin said with a smile as Chris came into sight. "Early morning?"

Chris stopped short and looked at his uncle. Justin could tell he would be one mess of a teenager. 

"Mom insisted on talking." He smarted off. "She has issues."

"That's not a nice thing to say about your mom." Justin ruffled with Chris's hair. "She is concerned and loves you. Listen to what she has to say."

"Whatever." Chris started off to the living room. "I am going to watch TV."

Justin watched his nephew walk away and laughed at himself. The boy was just like him at that age. He turned towards the kitchen and the talk he was not looking forward to with Lori. When Justin rounded the doorway he saw Lori with tears in her eyes. This was something of a surprise. 

"Morning." Justin said with a smile. 

"Morning." Lori reached for a paper towel to dry her eyes. She sniffed a bit and smiled to make it look normal. "Are you okay?"

"Yes. Just a bad dream." Justin said opening the fridge and getting orange juice out. "Matt stayed with me like he used to."

"He told me he was going to." Lori smiled. "He also told me about these  dreams."

"They started soon after he returned from his mission." Justin drank his orange juice. He was curious to know what had taken place between Lori and Chris, but he would find out eventually. "Same figure. Same statements. Same sequence of events."

Lori nodded deep in thought.  "Chris thinks he is gay." Lori finally said with a deep breath. "He thinks he is in love with one of his school friends, Steven."

Justin raised an eyebrow and watched Lori. He didn't respond. There was nothing to say. He had learned early on when this conversation came up, it was best to say nothing and just listen. People needed to process it.

"Oh I am okay with it if he is." Lori said making clear that she didn't find anything wrong with it. "Matt would feel the same way. But I wonder if he is just not feeling that way because he is so young?"

They sat in silence for a while. Lori stared off at the wall, and Justin drank his orange juice. 

"I don't want him to think I disapprove by any means." Lori continued after a few moments of silence. "But at the same time I want him to really think his feelings through. He is only 12. Almost 13. How does a 13 year old know what he wants?" She looked at Justin, this time for an answer.

"I started to sense I was different at 12." Justin shrugged. "I had to figure it out on my own, as I had no one to talk to. Chris is lucky as he has Matt and you to talk to. He knows you care. It took me almost 3 years to come to terms and accept it."

"We live in a world that is more accepting." Lori put her face in her hands and looked ready to scream. "But it is still cruel. Even in this house he knows that people wouldn't accept him for that."

"One person." Justin said simply and finished off his juice. He went to the sink to rinse the glass out and put it in the dishwasher to be cleaned later.  "More people in this house will love him," Justin said heading out of the kitchen to go back to his room, "then will not love him."

***

Justin and Matt climbed out of the car after Matt picked him up from school. Justin could drive, but his mom currently felt he did not need the freedom to drive around. He was confident when Matt went to college in two weeks that would change. His mom would not enjoy having to go back and forth to take him. 

Justin put his backpack in the den and made his way to the kitchen to get a snack. He was in high spirits, and wasn't about to let anything get him down.  As he entered the kitchen his mother was busy working on something for dinner and didn't turn around when he entered the room. He wasn't even sure he heard him.

"How was school?" She said without turning around.

"It was good." Matt opened the fridge to grab a soda. "I got to meet a new friend today, since I had my schedule changed." He said the last piece with a bit of icy coldness to it.

"I am glad Mr. Lowe did that." His mother turned around to look at Justin. "Keeping you two apart will be the best for everyone involved."

"A challenge." Justin said trying to be as obstinate as possible. "One of many challenges I am sure."

"Don't talk back to me like that young man." His mother waved a finger at Justin. "You may not like what I am doing, but I am doing it for your own good. For the good of your soul."

Justin shrugged and went to grab an apple. He figured if he played his cards right his mother would get flustered. 

"Kimberly asked me to come over to study for our English class. We have a chapter to read already, and figured it would be easier to do it together." Justin took a bite of his apple. "Can I go?"

"Who all will be there?" His mother eyed him.

"I don't know. She asked me at the end of school. Said she wouldn't mind studying together." Justin figured he would just leave out the other people coming over. "I said I doubted I could since I was grounded for life."

"I will call her mom." His mother turned around and started to cook dinner again. "I want her to know under no circumstances are you to be there if Nate is there."

"Whatever." Justin turned around and went back to the den to take a look at his math homework.

***

Thirty minutes later the front door opened and he could hear multiple steps walking down the hall. He suspected it was Matt and Lori. They would be off to college in two weeks together, leaving Justin to deal with life alone. It was a depressing thought. 

"Hey little man!" Lori smiled as she saw Justin sitting on the couch by himself. She went over and sat next to him, pulling him into her and giving him a tight hug. She didn't let go.

"Hi Lori." Justin surrendered and didn't fight her grip. "Nice to see you too."

"I just love you." She said kissing him on the forehead and letting him go. "Not as much as I love Matt, but still love you."

She sat back to allow Justin to readjust his papers and books on the couch. Matt took a seat in the chair on the opposite side of the room. The one that his dad usually sat in.

"So Matt told me about your adventure yesterday." Lori grinned. "I am so proud of you."

Justin blushed and looked at the floor. "I was just standing up for people that I cared for. Those jerks had no right to be saying what they said." The thought made him get angry, but he had to let it go. 

"Still." Lori said thoughtfully. "It took a brave young man to do that. Nate must really love you to support you still after this."

"He is awesome." Justin blushed at the comments. Lori had been great. Always asking questions, and wanting to know about Justin's life. It gave him a way to vent, and get closer to Lori and Matt. 

"So did you see him today?" Lori asked, playing with Justin's hair. 

"Yea." Justin grinned. He didn't want to say out loud he had the opportunity to make out in fear of his mother hearing. 

"I see." Lori sat for a moment sitting silent. "I think I might have an idea."  She smiled and stood up, giving Justin a pat on the head. "Let's talk about it." She grabbed Matt's hand and dragged him upstairs to his room. 

***

By dinner time Justin had not heard if he was allowed to go to Kimberly's to work on homework or not. Justin assumed that he would not be allowed to go. He wasn't sure how keen Kimberly's mom was about Justin and Nate having a romantic encounter at school. He wondered what church would be like on Sunday when he would be there, doing all his duties, and all the members looking down on them.

Justin was seated at the table, with his brother on the other side of the table. His dad was sitting at the head of the table as usual, looking at the paper. Justin's mom and Lori were busy bringing in plates of food for dinner. Lori and Matt alternated eating between houses, with Monday being reserved for each other's home. 

They all sat down and had a blessing on the food, and started to eat. Lori and his mother spent much of the time having small talk. It was apparent that Justin's mom was attempting to bring a new light to Lori as being the prime example of what love should look like. As dinner dragged on, he felt less and less like eating, and eventually just moved his food around. What was life going to be like without Matt around?

"I called Sister Helen about what the plans were for tonight's study group." Justin's mom finally stated as dinner was coming to an end. "She said that as far as she knew it would be just you and Kimberly." Her mother had a smug look of victory in her. "She thinks it would be a good idea for you to spend some time with a girl, and get to know what relationships should really be about." His mother took a drink of water and placed her hands on the table, which gave Justin an image of Queen Elizabeth I of England about to make a royal decree. "I think it would be good to, so you are free to go." 

"Thanks." Justin said, attempting to hide his excitement. "I am sure Kimberly will appreciate the help I can provide."

"Matt," his mother looked at her eldest son, "Can you drive Justin to Kimberly's please?"

"Of course." Matt smiled at Justin. 

***

Justin sat in the back seat of the car as Matt and Lori took him to Kimberly's house. 

"So what's the deal?" Lori asked, turning around. "I am sure Nate will be there."

"As far as I know he will be there, with several of our other friends." Justin shrugged. "We are all doing a big study group. New kid named Neil, who Kimberly has the eye on." Justin looked out the window and sighed. "I hope Nate is there."

"I wonder why Sister Helen said it would just be the two of you?" Matt eyed Justin in the back seat. "You don't think this is an attempt by Kimberly to `convert' you?"

"No." Justin thought for a moment. "I mean she had a crush on me, but she accepted me the moment she found out. She was the second person that I told, or should say confirmed."

"How are you going to get home?" Matt asked.

"I think Kimberly will take me home." Justin grinned. "Or if I am lucky Nate will, and I can just walk down the driveway." 

"Okay." Matt grinned. It was sad they had to sneak around, but he knew his brother needed to be happy, and this made him happy.

They sat in silence for the last bit of the right home. As they pulled up in front of Kimberly's house, Lori turned around to face Justin again.

"Matt and I have been talking about ways to help you and Nate." She started with a bit of a hesitation in her voice. "You know that every other night Nate and I switch dinners between my parents and yours. What if on the night's dinner is at my house, you tag along? We can see if Nate can tag along too."

"That would be awesome." Justin said with a large grin. "But what about your parents?"

"That is the only problem. I have to clear it with them first." Lori looked down at the seat before continuing. "The conversation of you and Nate has reached her ear, apparently via your mother. I guess the fact that I am with your brother; she feels that my parents need to be warned of the ‘danger’. If she doesn't agree to this, then I have a secondary plan that will work." She smiled.

"Sounds good." Justin opened the door and climbed out. "Thanks Matt. Have a good evening."

***

Justin rang the doorbell to the modest house that was Kimberly Helen's. He had been here countless times, and he preferred this to the spacious house of his parents. It seemed happier, more inviting. Sister Helen was a loving mother, and always treated him as if he were her own. Justin always wondered if it would just be second nature for him to marry Kimberly.

"Hey Justin." Sister Helen opened the door. "Kimberly is waiting for you in the living room."

"Thanks Sister Helen." Justin walked in and took the familiar route to the living room, where he could hear several people talking.

"Justin!" Kimberly smiled when she saw him. "I am glad the warden let you get out."

"Well your mom told my mom that it would just be the two of us." Justin looked around the room. Scott and Neil were sitting on the couch. Nate was nowhere to be seen. Justin's face showed his disappointment.

"Well my mom said she only knew it would be the two of us." She grinned. "I told her what was going on and she said she was fine with it. I was shocked to be blunt. She said if your mom called asking, she would just say that some of my other friends showed up unexpectedly." 

"Well I am glad you came, Neil." Justin put his hands in his pocket. He was sad that Nate was not here, but he would deal with it. At least he was out of his house.

"What about me?" a voice came up behind him and he felt arms wrap around him. "Are you glad I came?"

Justin whirled around and his face lit up again. "Nate!" He planted a quick kiss on his lips. "I thought you weren't here."

"Kim thought it would be a good idea for me to hide and surprise you." Nate grinned. "I could hear the sadness in your voice." Nate released Justin and they moved to the secondary couch in the living room. Kimberly had taken position in the large recliner. 

They sat around talking for a few moments, most of them getting to know Neil better as he was the new comer. Justin was shocked to see him so cool with Nate and himself. After a while they buckled down and started to read the novel. Neil took the job of reading the narration, while the other took roles of the speakers so that they could act it out. They finished the first chapter in no time. 

"Here are some cookies for you hard workers." Sister Helen came in with a plate of cookies. "I will bring some drinks in a moment."

As she walked out of the room, Justin got up to follow her.

"Sister Helen," he said, coming up behind her.

"Yes dear?" She turned and smiled. She was a petite woman with long blonde hair, similar to that of Kimberly's. In fact, Justin would not doubt this is what Kimberly would like in the future. Her bright blue eyes sparkled in the light, and her fair skin glowed. 

"I wanted to thank you for letting me come over and spend time with Kimberly," he swallowed hard, "and Nate."

"Your mother will come around eventually Justin." She reached and gave Justin a hug. "I do not understand this, but I know it is out there. I know that people have these feelings. If you have them, then you have them. There is not much you can do about it. I see how you look at Nate, and how Nate looks at you, and there is nothing but love in your eyes for each other." She sighed for a bit. "I will not lie. I always hoped that you and Kimberly would end up like Matt and Lori." She smiled and went off to the kitchen to grab drinks.

***

For the rest of the night, they sat around talking and enjoying each other's company. For the most part Justin and Nate just sat and held hands. Kimberly was also trying to make sure Neil noticed her, which he had no problem doing. Scott made his normal comments that to some would be harsh, but to his friends were nothing.

At 8:30 Sister Helen came in and told them it was time they went home. They would have been able to stay later if it had been a school night. Neil gave Kimberly a hug, with Scott waving good-bye as they made it to their individual cars. Nate and Justin hung back just a bit to chat a bit more with Kimberly before leaving. 

"So you like Neil huh?" Justin winked at Kimberly. 

"He is cute. I love his tan." She blushed. "I hope he asks me out."

"Ask him out." Nate said, and tried to imitate the dryness that was Scott. Kimberly laughed.

"I may just have to do that." She looked at Justin. "How are you getting home?"

"I figured I would ask Nate to take me. He can drop me off at the driveway, and I can walk the rest home. I figure it will give us time to chat a bit more. If I get caught, what else will she do? She has already grounded me from everything else."

"Okay love." She gave Justin and Nate both a kiss on the cheek. "Be safe."

***

As Nate drove Justin home, Justin informed Nate of the idea that Lori had. 

"That would be cool if it worked." Nate said smiling. "I am glad we have friends and parents who will try to help us out. I figured everyone would be freaking."

"Kimberly's mom was really cool." Justin said, thinking back to their study group. "I figured she would be upset when she saw us holding hands, but didn't seem to care."

"Neil was cool as well." Nate commented. "I guess being from California you see tons of things taking place."

"I wish we could see each other more." Justin said with a somber tone. "I think you are the greatest guy in the world."

"You are too."

Justin reached over and grabbed Nate's hand and they drove in silence until they reached the driveway to Justin's house. Nate put the car in park and grabbed Justin's other hand. "See you at school tomorrow?"

"Of course." Justin smiled and leaned over to kiss Nate. They stayed embraced for several moments. "Love you."

"Love you more."

Justin exited the car and started to walk down the driveway. The air was cool and fresh, and the sky was clear. The only thing that would make this night better was Nate standing next to him. 

***

Part VII

*** Present Day ***

Justin crawled into the passenger side of his father's truck. Matt took the wheel, and Chris climbed into the back and popped open his Gameboy to play. They were headed to the mountains for a quick hike at Box Canyon. The drive would take about 30 minutes, and would provide some quality time to talk. 

"So are you going to call him?" Matt asked as they turned onto the highway. 

Justin sat and looked out the window. He smiled for a bit as he thought about the past few days. He had started to relive parts of his life he had forgotten. Parts he wanted to forget. 

"I don't know." Justin finally responded. "I don't see why he would have called me. He left me because he felt unfulfilled." The words became bitterer as he spoke. 

"I think you should call." Matt said. "You were with him for how many years?"

"Seven." Justin put his head against the window. "Seven great years."

"Who are you talking about?" Chris asked from the back.

"A friend of mine from a long time ago." Justin said looking back with a smile. 

"You mean your ex - boyfriend?" Chris said still playing his game without looking up. 

Justin opened his mouth and then closed it, and looked at Matt. This was his kid, and Matt should answer him.

"Yes Chris." Matt laughed for a moment. "He has been told since he asked about you."

Chris shrugged and went back to his game. He seemed to accept the answer with no fuss.

Justin's phone went off. Picking it up Justin smiled and answered with a smile. 

"Hello." Justin said into the phone.  "Doing great heading to a canyon to have a hike with my brother and nephew. How about you?" He responded to the person on the other side of the phone. "I thought I would call you because I didn't want to wait till I got back to Seattle, and figured it would be a good way to get to know you more."

Justin talked a bit more and then hung up

"Well I guess I will meet Jason in Albuquerque on Monday." Justin grinned. "He has a layover that night, and I figure it would be good to show him around since he never really had the chance."

"Excellent." Matt smiled. "But are you going to call Nate?" 

Justin sighed hard. He knew his brother had good intentions, and he had to resolve the problem. He could not lie about his emotions about Nate. They had been through many challenges, and Justin figured their love was strong. He put his head against the window again, and closed his eyes.

*** 15 years ago ***

The first week of school came to a close with no major incidents. The other students seemed to leave him alone, and as a good side effect the other students seemed to have started to leave Grayson alone. Justin and Nate were able to see each other in the mornings before school and after school for a little bit so that made it easier. 

The bad news was Lori was unable to convince her parents to allow Justin and Nate time alone. They were of the opinion that this was not their battle, and that they should not get involved with other people's business. Lori said she still had another idea that would work, but would need time to work it out.

Sunday was another story. For some reason Justin felt anxious about going to Church. By now the whole Church should have found out about Justin and Nate having a very public display of affection. Justin knew Kimberly and Nate's parents were okay with the situation, and many of the young single adults that attended the university. 

Matt drove Justin to Church earlier than his parents went since he had duties to perform. This being the first Sunday of school starting, he had a young men and young women presidency meeting to attend. These meetings were designed to plan out the month, and determine what activities would be held and what the goal would be. It was also their turn to host this month's Stake youth dance. 

Justin got out and made his way to the Bishop's office where they held the meetings. Kimberly was already sitting there, along with representatives from the other age groups. There were two other boys, one older and one younger than him. He never really talked to them, but he could feel their eyes on him as he took his seat next to Kimberly. There were two other girls in the room as well, and they whispered something to each other. 

Sitting in the corner of the room was the Young Men's President, Brother Potts; a student at New Mexico Tech. Justin liked him, as he seemed to be full of ideas that appealed to the young men in the Ward. During the summer they were able to take a trip to Elephant Butte Lake and go inner tubing. It was a blast. In the other corner was Sister Mary, who always seemed uptight and proper. It was always said that you got a position that suited your skills, and what you needed in life. They were not talking about Sister Mary when they said that. 

The Bishop walked in and sat down in his usual chair and called the meeting to order. 

"There is some new business we need to take care of, but I would like to go over some old business." He looked at Brother Potts. "I would like to congratulate you and the Young Men group for such a successful open house last Wednesday. We had a much larger turn out, and I think we were able to get some people coming that had not been to Church for a while. I can only pray we are more successful next time."

"Thank you Bishop." Brother Potts smiled. "I couldn't have done it without the help of Justin and Nate overseeing it."

"Yes, commendations to you Justin." The Bishop turned to Justin. "Please inform Nate of my thanks for a job well done."

Sister Mary and the older boy, Johnny, made some sounds, but didn't vocalize. The Bishop looked at them both to see if they had anything to say. 

"Now the big item we need to start work on is the Stake dance in three weeks." He turned to Sister Mary. "Who do we have to oversee this project?"

"I think Jenny and Jesse should be able to handle the arrangements this time." Sister Mary looked at Jenny, the oldest of the girls there. "Is that fine?"

"Yes." Jenny smiled and looked right at Justin. "I think we can throw the best dance yet." 

A male and a female usually headed the dance and would be responsible for making all arrangements. Justin shrugged. He was not even the eldest boy in the room, but usually got most of the duties. He was the only one that was trusted to get the job done. Justin figured give it a week and they would be asking him to do it.

"Are you okay with this Johnny?" The Bishop turned to Johnny to make sure that he did not want anything to do with the planning. 

"I am okay with it." He smiled. "I really don't have the time this year due to school, and football."

"Very good" The Bishop looked at his calendar. "I also see we will be starting Seminary on Monday. Please make sure that everyone in your quorums knows what time it is at, and also what to bring. You will be studying the Old Testament this year. Any other business that needs tending too?"

They all looked at each other, and shook their heads. These meetings never took long. The next one would be longer as they would have to plan several activities now that school was back in session. 

"Very well." The Bishop closed his book. "Will you give us a closing prayer Johnny?"

***

After the prayer, everyone stood to leave. The Bishop called Justin before he could leave.

"Justin, can you stay for a moment? I would like to talk to you."

Justin stayed behind in his seat. He could hear the others minus Kimberly snickering. They knew Justin would be released from his position due to his actions at school. Johnny would have liked that as Justin and he did not get along too well.

Justin fiddled with his hands in his lap. He had already seen the Bishop once this week.

"It is nothing major Justin." The Bishop leaned back in his chair. "As you know we like to have young people fill the roles of leadership so they have some experience for the future."

"Yes sir." Justin said weakly. 

"I have not yet appointed a Seminary President for this upcoming year. I feel very strongly that person should be you." The Bishop leaned forward. "Assuming that nothing has changed since we last talked?"

"No sir." Justin was shocked he was given another position. "I have not actually been able to see Nate very much since Mom had my schedule changed, and put me under house arrest."

"Give her time." The Bishop frowned at hearing this. "I think this will be a good experience for you. You will be required to go once a month to Los Lunas for a meeting with the Stake Seminary Council. Can you do that?"

"Yes sir." Justin grinned. "We will also have a First Councilor for you, which has not been picked yet. I am still working on that. That person will go with you. Are there any that you can think of that you think would be worthy of that calling?"

Justin thought for a moment. He could easily say Nate, but then again, he did not want to put the Bishop in that spot, as well as make his mother feel he was manipulating his position. 

"If I were to give my honest opinion," Justin took a deep breath, "I would say Kimberly. But it's only the gut feeling I have."

"Sometimes the gut feeling is the right feeling." The Bishop smiled. "I will take your suggestion under advisement."

They both stood up and shook hands. 

"I am sure Nate is getting the sacrament ready." The Bishop said, opening the door. "Don't forget that is your job as well, so you better hurry on."

Justin walked out the door and towards the chapel to get his other duties underway. 

***

People were starting to come in to be ready for the start of the services. Justin looked around to see if Nate was there getting things ready. He saw him coming out of the closet on the far side of the chapel carrying two trays of water. Behind him came Cody Lane, one of the seniors carrying the other two trays. Justin made his way to see if Nate needed any help.

"Got it all?" Justin asked as Nate put the trays on a table.

"Yea." Nate looked up and his face lit up. "Cody came in to help. Said you were busy."

"Hey mate." Cody came up and put his two trays on the table. "How are you this morning?"

"Good." Justin smiled. He liked Cody. Never really had the chance to get to know him, but always seemed easy going. "Yourself?"

"Good. Just helping Nate." Cody reached into a drawer and pulled out a white cloth and handed one end to Justin. "Wanna help finish?"

Justin grabbed the corner and placed the cloth on top of the trays positioned on the table. 

"Thanks for helping Cody." Nate said, patting Cody on the back. "It makes it easier with two."

"No problem." Cody smiled. "And guys, I saw what happened at school Wednesday. I think it is awesome that you two are that brave." Cody walked off to visit with some other people before services started. 

"So how is your weekend so far?" Nate asked as he sat down behind the table and pulled several other items out. 

"It has been good I suppose." Just responded as he rubbed the tablecloth in his fingers. "Mom has been really harsh on me. I don't know what I am going to do when Matt and Lori go off to college in a couple of weeks."

"I am sure it will be fine." Nate stood up with his job complete. "So what did the Bishop want?"

"Apparently he wants me to be the Seminary class president." Justin shrugged and they both walked to the back of the chapel to wait for everyone else to show up. Their job was to hand out the day's program, and help anyone that needed it.

"Awesome." Nate smiled. "Things should work out great."

They stood at the door and handed the program to people as they walked in. As Justin expected some of the people ignored both of them and went in without so much as a nod of the head. Others would take the program and would not say anything. Others smiled and said hello, and asked how family members were doing. Unfortunately there were more unfriendly faces than friendly faces.

Shortly after starting one of the non-friendly members showed up: Justin's mom. Nate attempted to be as civil as possible. He extended a program to her as she walked up and smiled.

"Good morning Sister Leary." Nate said.

She just looked at him with cold eyes and turned her attention to her son. 

"I am not sure you should be out here assisting." She said without smiling. "You should be helping out inside." She took a program from Justin and walked in. Justin's father greeted Nate, but did not say much else.

"Why is she like that?" Nate asked as he looked at the ground. This is the first time he had seen Justin's mom, and did not understand the emotional damage that she could inflict. 

"Are we all set?" the Bishop came up to them both with a smile. 

"Yes sir." Nate said with heartbreak in his voice.

"What is wrong?" The Bishop raised an eyebrow at Nate and placed a hand on his shoulder. 

"Um," Justin started. "I don't think we should be doing this job anymore. Maybe get one of the other boys to do this."

"Why?" the Bishop frowned, which was not often. 

"People don't want to be doing this. I think they think we should be barred from doing any activity." Justin said with a tear forming in his eye. He did not like to cry, but the look on Nate's face made him boil again. He was on the verge of losing control like he did in the cafeteria on Wednesday. 

"Nonsense." The Bishop sucked in a breath of air. He would not tolerate people to judge others. "Boys take your seats here at the door. Do your job like you have in the past." The Bishop patted the boys on the back as he walked by. His face was still holding a frown that seemed to grow deeper as he walked to the front. 

***

The beginning of the services was normal. It was quick and sweet. Justin and Nate sat by the door to welcome any latecomer, and to close the door when the sacrament was to be administered. Several times people turned around to eye the two boys sitting next to each other. Justin's mom was one of them. Justin ignored the eyes and kept his focus on the front. Normally the Bishop was all smiles, but today he had a scowl on his face, and kept leaning over to one of his councilors, who would jot down a few notes. 

With the sacrament done, the boys were free to return to their families. Justin enjoyed his time being able to sit next to Nate. His smell was intoxicating, and he had to resist hard not to grab his hand. This was not the appropriate time or place to do that. He went to go sit with his brother, who was sitting behind his mother this time. Matt wrapped his arm around his brother and gave him a big hug. 

"We would like to make a quick adjustment to the program." Brother Johnson stood up to the podium. This was the non-formal portion of the meeting where church business and individual speakers presented a personalized discussion on Church doctrine. "Bishop McGowan would like to tend to some immediate Church business."

The Bishop got up and took the podium, still with a scowl on his face. He coughed to clear his voice.

"Brothers and sisters. Several issues of Church business, that I feel prompted to deal with today." He said with a stern voice. Bishop McGowan was an expert speaker. It came in handy at Tech where he taught. Everyone enjoyed him in class. "I am not even sure how I felt this prompting, as I do not feel the spirit in here today. I feel ashamed.” He paused a moment. “There seems to be a cloud of animosity in the room. The spirit cannot, will not dwell when there is so much hate lingering. This is not the purpose of our gathering. I watch with shock and amazement as to the display witnessed here today."

Several people shifted in their chairs uncomfortably, and some even turned in their chairs to look at Justin and Nate, some grinning as they assumed he was talking about Justin and Nate.

"I do not discuss personal issues of members of the Church with the whole congregation, but I feel I must issue a warning as a whole to everyone." He continued, as his scow got deeper. Justin never recalled a time when he looked as upset as he does now. "It is not for you, not for any of you,  to determine who is and who is not worthy to act in the congregation. There is only one that can judge, and that judgement will come via revelation and prayer. By those that are called to deal with such issues. Personal convictions and preconceived notions are not enough to justify turning our backs on others just for expressing different emotions.” He paused to survey the room and he saw several bow their heads. “When issues arise, that of a personal nature, and I reiterate, the word personal, then it is handled in accordance with church teachings and doctrine.  In fact there is no reason a person should feel compelled to turn their back on another human. If you personally feel that you must judge another person, then you have sinned as well. Judge not. I do not condone behavior that is in violation of Church doctrine. But as of now, there is, to my knowledge, no such violation. If you, on some level, feel that you must judge someone, then I suggest you come talk to me, or one of the members of the bishipbric. I say soften your hearts, and listen to the Spirit." The Bishop sighed heavily, and stepped away from the podium. 

Justin raised an eyebrow. He never expected this form of lecture from the Bishop. Justin looked around and saw some people whisper into their neighbor's ear, and others lower their heads. No one bothered to turn and look at Justin or Nate. 

Brother Johnson stood up and shuffled some papers in front of him. "We will now continue on with this morning program."

***

At noon, Justin was with Matt driving home. 

"Interesting service." Matt said absently. "A bit shocked that the Bishop would go so far as to scold everyone."

Justin just frowned. "I doubt he has changed opinions. Probably just get worse." 

"School is good?" Matt raised an eyebrow.

"Just grand." Justin sighed. "No one gives me problems, no one says anything. I get to see Nate for a few moments a day. So yea, it is just grand!" He finished the last words with spite and anger. 

"I am sorry." Matt sat in silence for the rest of the way home. 

***

The week passed slowly, and Justin found it difficult to get up in the morning, stay focused at school. He seemed to have lost all of his will. After Church the previous Sunday, Justin felt that whatever he felt, whatever he was told, he felt rejected. On Friday after school, Justin did not even bother to stick around to see Nate.

***

Sunday rolled around and Matt knocked on Justin's bedroom door. Justin was lying in bed awake, but did not bother responding. Another knock. Again Justin ignored the knocking.

The door cracked open.

"Justin?" Matt stuck his head in. "Are you okay?"

"Not going." Justin said not looking. "No point."

"You can see Nate." Matt suggested. 

"It only makes it harder." Justin rolled over. 

Matt shook his head and closed the door. A few moments later the door opened and his mother was standing in the doorway. Justin snorted a bit. 

"Get up." She said sternly. "You are going to Church."

"No. I am not." Justin ignored his mother. "What is the point? You treat me the same no matter what I do."

"You have to go to Church. You have duties to attend to." She went to his closet and threw out clothes. "Get up and get dressed."

"No." Justin was going to be defiant. "I am not going."

His mother with frustration stormed out of the room. Justin grinned, as he knew he annoyed his mother. He should have felt bad about it, but after the way she treated him, he felt justified. Of course he knew he might have crossed a line. He may very well have to deal with his father. 

Within a few moments he heard his fathers heavy footfalls heading to his door. He took a deep breath in. This may get tricky.

"Son." His father said in a gruff voice. "Your mother wants you to get ready for Church."

"Sorry dad." Justin said this time with a bit more reserve. He rolled over and faced his father, and tried not to sound challenging. "I don't feel like it. There seems to be no point going. Mom will just look down on my like I failed and can never get back."

There was silence for a moment. He could tell from the look on his fathers face that he was contemplating various outcomes.

"I understand." His father turned around. "I am sorry son." And with that he left the room as well. 

Justin was surprised at this turn of events. He expected his father to force him to go, as his father usually sided with his mother to keep the peace. He was sure his mother would be nagging away at him all day and night. He closed his eyes and fell back asleep. He did not care anymore. He did not care about school, about Church, or about life. 

***Modern Day***

Matt drove back down the highway after spending the day at Box Canyon with Justin and Chris. Chris of course seemed to be more interested in going back home to play with his video games. Justin and Matt continued the conversation. 

"Justin," Matt started, "you really should call Nate. At least give him a chance to explain."

Justin growled a bit as Matt continually brought up the need to call Nate annoying. 

"I am sorry to keep at it." Matt ignored the growl. "I just think that you need to close that chapter of your life, before moving on."

"He is married." Justin said. "What difference would it make now?"

"He will not be married until Saturday." Matt said. "I got an invite to the wedding. He had a wedding party since several of his relatives wouldn't be able to attend that weekend."

Justin rubbed his forehead. He could feel a headache coming on.

"Do you know why he wants to see me?" Justin looked at Matt expectedly.

"He wants to close old wounds." Matt said with a bit of a whisper. As if saying there were wounds was a secret. 

"HE has old wounds?" Justin almost screamed, causing Chris in the back seat to jump as he had headphones on. "HE has old wounds? Why would he have old wounds? He is the one that wielded the knife that ended our relationship. He has WOUNDS?"

Matt sat silent to let Justin simmer down. Chris had gone back to his game after looking at Justin and Matt..

"How did you find this out?" Justin asked, trying to keep his headache from materializing. He had propped his elbow up on the window and had his head resting in his hand. "And when were you going to tell me?"

"He called me yesterday." Matt said with a frown. "He said you had not yet contacted him, and wanted to know what was up. If you intend to call or come by."

Justin could feel the blood drain from his face. He felt  sweat start to form on his hands and arms. He became uncomfortable, and wanted to bolt. But he was in a car traveling at 70 miles per hour. Matt noticed the change.

"I am sorry." Matt said. "I have been in contact with him for about a year. He wanted to try and fix some of the damage."

"And you are now just telling me this?" Justin could feel tears of rage forming in his eyes. He had figured his brother of all people would have his back. That Matt would have stood behind him after Nate just ripped his heart out and left him without so much as a goodbye. "You know what he did. You know how he treated me. And you are friends with him?"

"Matt, it is not what it sounds like. He has some explanations." Matt realized the situation was not getting better. "They are not the best, but you may want to hear them. I am sorry."

Justin was furious. He had not been this angry in a long time. He never imagined he would feel betrayed by his own brother. 

To prevent himself from doing something he would regret, he pulled out some earbuds and plugged them into his phone. The road home would be in silence.

***

Matt pulled the truck into the driveway, and Justin jumped out before the truck came to a stop.

"Justin!" Matt called after him, but was ignored.

Justin walked quickly to the house. Once inside he went up to his room and closed the door. He was breathing hard trying not to let the anger well up in him. He couldn't believe Matt had talked to Nate and did not tell him. 

A knock on the door.

"Go away Matt." Justin yelled at the door. He just needed time to process everything and figure out 

"It's me." Lori's voice passed through the door. "Can I come in?"

Justin wasn't sure he wanted to see Lori at the moment, but he couldn't be mad at her. Yet.

"Yea." Justin said half-heartedly. He lay on his bed as Lori opened the door.

"How you doing?" Lori asked, moving over to the bed and sitting next to Justin. She grabbed his hand and squeezed. 

"Did you know?" Justin asked without looking her in the eye. "Did you know Matt was talking to Nate?"

"Yes." Lori said softly. Justin pulled his hand from her, and turned on his side. 

"Get out." He said coldly. 

"Justin," Lori said again reaching for his hand. "Let Matt explain."

"What?" Justin turned his head, tears rolling down his face. "He knew Nate hurt me."

"Matt wanted to tell you." Lori looked at her hand holding Justin's. "He wanted to tell you very badly that Nate had contacted him. But Nate made him promise not to say anything, because Nate wanted to be the one to tell you. And he was right. Nate should be the one to tell you." Lori squeezed Justin's hand and stood up. "Don't be hard on Matt. He loves you."

She moved to the door and walked out.

 ***

 Part VIII

*** Modern Day ***

Justin rolled over in bed. He felt drained, and the moon outside was glowing bright. For the next few nights it would be bright outside as the full moon was the following night. Justin sighed as he felt his body resist the urge to sleep. He was too angry with Matt and Lori for not telling him that Nate had contacted him.  Angry, and hurt, that Matt had continued to communicate for the past year. 

"Why do you hate Matt?" a male voice came from behind him. Justin rolled quickly over to the voice. He did not hear his door open. The figure was standing in the window proving the once familiar outline. This time Justin was not scared. The sight was familiar, like seeing an old friend.

"Why shouldn't I?" Justin rolled back over. "Go away."

Justin felt the bed shift as the entity lay next to him, putting his arms around Justin and pulling him tight against his body. Justin could feel the heat from the entity's body. It calmed him, and he felt peace, and the anger evaporated.  

"Who are you?" Justin asked in a calm voice. He had asked the same question hundreds of times, but the answer was always the same. 

"You saved my life." The entity whispered in his ear. "Why do you hate Matt?"

"I don't hate him." Justin sighed a bit. He resisted the urge to cry, but with this entity he could never hold back his emotions.  They flooded him. "He betrayed me. He went behind my back and talked to someone that hurt me."

"Why do you suppose he did that?" The entity kissed the back of Justin's neck, causing the familiar arches of energy course through his body. 

"He...." Justin fumbled on trying to find the words. He could not think why he was mad. "He…."

"Or are you angry with yourself?" The entity kissed the center of his neck. "Angry that you never found the closure you needed?"

"I don't…." Justin rolled over and found he was looking at a window with the first hints of light. Tears raced down his face. He had been crying in his sleep. ".... hate Matt." Justin said to himself feeling the tide of emotion wash over him as he broke down into his pillow.

*** 15 years ago ***

The next week of school had not gone any different for Justin. He was still in a depressed mood. His friends tried to get him to talk about it, but he just started to ignore them. He was even to the point of avoiding Nate every day at school. He went to class, and went home. This was the last week that Matt would be home, and it depressed him even more. 

After school on Wednesday, Matt pulled up to pick Justin up. He was outside with his usual gloomy self. Matt had no idea what to do, but knew he had to do something. The drive home was in silence, as it had been the week before. Justin looked out the window, with no emotion on his face. 

When they arrived at home Justin got out and walked to the house with his bag draped over his shoulder. If the past had been any indication, Justin would go up to his room and work on his homework, come down and eat, and then head back up to sleep. 

*** 

Justin finished his homework, which took a couple of hours. Math was the hardest subject as he was working on Geometry. He was good at Algebra, but Geometry was a different monster. He did just enough to make sure he passed, but didn't apply himself any further.  He put his pencil down and got up to go eat dinner. 

As he approached the kitchen, he could hear Matt and his mother arguing. He figured his father was still outside, or the argument would be over quicker than it started. 

"....death!" he could hear his brother saying with emphasis. He stopped outside the door to the kitchen in the dining room to listen in.

"Don't be silly." His mother responded without much concern. "He would never do that. He is just getting rid of the corrupt feelings. Like a person getting off drugs or something."

"Mom." Matt continued. "This is not a disease or addiction that can be taken care of with medicine, or treatment. He is not sick." 

Justin heard the sound of metal hitting wood. 

"He is sick." His mother replied with a fury in her voice. Matt hit a nerve. "He is sick. He needs help. He needs to know he chose that lifestyle. There is no way a boy of mine is going to grow up and be a queer! Justin will not choose to be a dirty, filthy, sinful, disgusting queer!"

The moment she said the tirade that ended with `queer', Justin slumped against the wall. He closed his eyes and  he felt tears. He felt his knees weaken, and he had to use all his strength to keep himself from falling to the floor. 

"Mom!" Justin screamed. "You may not like it that he has this life. You may not like it that he wants to find companionship. But you are going to lose him. Either by him running away…." his brother didn't finish the sentence for some reason. Justin decided he wasn't hungry and started back towards his room.

Justin knew that his kissing Nate at school would cause some backlash. But never did he think his mother would turn on him like she had. He opened his eyes and walked as best he could back to his room. His legs felt like jello. He walked out of the dining room, and towards the stairs but stopped short as he saw his dad leave the kitchen and head out the door. His dad must have come in and that is why Matt did not finish his sentence. 

Justin stopped for a moment with his back against the hallway wall, looking at the front door. His dad left without saying a word, but must have been upset considering how fast he was moving. As he stood there his mother ran out of the kitchen and out the front door, attempting to catch his father. 

Matt came around the coroner but stopped as he saw Justin standing there.

"You okay?" Matt approached slowly.

Justin shrugged and sank to the floor.

"I am guessing you heard that?" Matt sat next to Justin. Justin nodded his head but didn't say anything. He put his head to rest between his knees, trying to keep himself from crying. "So did dad. Well, that last little rant anyway. He stood there for just a moment, looking at mom, turned around and walked out."

Justin started to cry a bit. Matt patted his back and pulled him into a hug. 

"I love you Justin." Matt whispered in his ear. They sat for several minutes, Justin crying and Matt just holding him. It was the only thing Matt knew what to do. Eventually Matt moved a bit.

"Hey I have an idea." He pushed Justin away just enough to stand up, grabbed his hands and pulled him to his feet. "Go up stairs, get cleaned up, put some nice clothes on, and some of that smelly stuff you like." 

"Why?" Justin said as he wiped his tears off.

"I want to take you out. We need to do something fun, and get away from here. I only have three days before I leave, and let's make it count!" Matt smiled and walked off to the kitchen. 

Justin shrugged and walked up the stairs to get ready.

***

 Several moments later, Justin sitting in the passenger seat, and Matt driving, left their house. His mom and dad had yet to return, but Matt said it was fine that they were going. Justin was wearing a dark blue button up shirt that he had tucked into a pair of khaki pants, and brown shoes. Justin was not sure where they were going as there were not any fancy restaurants located in town. He had combed his hair with a part down the middle. His black hair was always hard to control, but he tried to make it decent. A bit of hair spray helped to manage it.

"Where we going?" Justin asked, looking around as Justin turned down the frontage road to bypass the lights and traffic of the main strip. 

"Surprise." Matt grinned. 

Justin shrugged and sat silently as he looked out of the window. He figured that they were heading out of town. 

As they approached the overpass to the interstate, Matt crossed, but did not head onto the interstate, he continued on to the other frontage road on the opposite side of the interstate. Justin looked around and realized where they were going.

"Mom will be furious." Justin said, his voice sounding shaky.

"Oh well." Matt shrugged and grinned. "She will come around eventually. If she doesn't, then she doesn't."

"What if she kicks me out?" Justin was honestly scared. "You are leaving."

"Dad won't allow it." Matt said simply. Justin started to tap his fingers on his leg as he nervously thought about how mom would react. "Justin, it will be fine."

They pulled up to the a one story house. It was a nice sized house, with stucco walling. Justin had been here many times to spend the night and have dinner with Nate's parents. Now he understood why they told them to behave when they went to bed at night: They knew. 

Matt looked at Justin. “Well get out. Stop fidgeting so much. Go get Nate.”\

Justin complied and pulled on his shirt and tucked the back in. He felt weird dressed up like he was. He felt overdressed for an occasion. But he also felt like he was on his first date.  It was his first date.

He knocked on the door and waited patiently. The door opened and Nate's mom was standing there. 

"Good evening Sister McGraw.” Justin bowed his head. He felt so foolish. “I.... I am here to pick Nate up on a date.”

“Good evening Justin. Nate is in the living room at the moment.” She scowled. “He has been depressed and disappointed since you have been ignoring him.”

"I am sorry ma'am." Justin kicked a pebble on the sidewalk off. "I didn't mean to."

“Why don’t you come in and get him?” she stood aside to let Justin in.

Justin grinned, and ran into the house. It felt comfortable and familiar. Not expansive and large like his home. A shell of what this was. He envied Nate.

He stood in the archway to the living room, which sat down from the rest of the house by two feet. Nate was sitting in the recliner watching TV with his back to him. Justin felt his heart race. He had missed seeing any part of Nate, and now kicked himself for trying to distance himself. He grinned and started to walk softly to the recliner. 

"Guess who?" He said as he reached his arms around the chair and covered Nate's eyes. Nate jumped up in surprise.

"Holy cow!" Nate said with surprise. "Don't do….”  he paused as it dawned on him who it was. "Justin!" 

Nate bolted around the chair and embraced Justin with a tight hug, swinging him around a bit. He then proceeded to kiss him deeply and hard. 

"I thought you would be mad at me." Justin said, as he broke free. Nate was not about to let him go. 

"I was hurt, but understood what you were going through." Nate held tighter and Justin grunted in return. "Sorry. I don't want you to leave again."

"I missed you too." Justin kissed Nate again and they separated but held hands. 

"Well glad you too made up." Sister McGraw stood, leaning against the archwayJustin jerked his body away from Nate and turned bright red.

"Oh don't worry." She stepped down into the living room. "I have a brother that is gay and I have seen it all." She paused and laughed at her thoughts. "Well not everything."

"Mom!" Nate said, as he turned red as Justin.

"Are you ready?” Justin took Nate's hand, and pulled him to the door. “Our first official date?”

***

They all climbed back into Matt's car, with Justin and Nate sitting in the back holding hands.

"Okay." Matt started the car and backed out of the driveway. "Going to pick Lori up, and a double date we will have."

Justin squeezed Nate's hand. He could not remember the last time he felt so happy. How could he have thought that ignoring Nate was the answer? Nate was the answer. It did not matter that he only saw him for a few moments during school. What mattered was that he was with Nate. 

They arrived at Lori's house, who came running up to the car as they pulled in. Lori lived in a small house that was on the other side of town. It was simple, but Justin liked it. Much like Nate's house it was warm, inviting, and everything a home should be. 

"Hey." Lori said getting in the car and leaning over to give Matt a kiss. She turned and looked at Justin and Nate in the back seat. "Hey you too. Behaving?"

Justin blushed red, but Nate just laughed.

"Of course." Nate said as he smiled and leaned against Justin. "Always."

Lori laughed and turned back around. "So where are we going on such short notice?"

"Where else, but for pizza." Matt grinned and started to head towards a pizza restaurant that was fairly new. It had wood oven pizzas that were the best Justin ever had. 

"So how did you get your mom to agree to let Justin go see Nate?" Lori asked as they drove down the road.

"She doesn't know." Matt grinned. "She said some really horrible things, dad heard, and now I think they are having it out."

"Oh no." Lori frowned, looking at her feet. "That's not good."

They sat in silence for a few moments before Lori continued. "Do you think it will be okay?"

"Oh this happens now and then." Matt turned onto the main road. The traffic was light, which was not a surprise at this time. "Dad always wins, since he doesn't really say much about anything."

"I see." Lori turned and looked at Nate and Justin. "So this is your first official date?"

"Yea." Justin said grinning. "We never actually went on a date."

"And you're stuck with the two chaperons." Lori shook her head. "That has to bite."

"We like you." Nate said. "So it's not THAT bad."

Matt pulled into the restaurant's parking lot, and they all climbed out. Justin held back, leaning against the car. Matt saw him and walked back, telling Lori and Nate they would catch up.

"You okay champ?" Matt asked, leaning against the car next to him.

"My first date." Justin was biting his lip. "I am in public with him, how do I behave?"

"You do just like you would if you were alone, just minus all the mushy stuff." Matt laughed. "I wish you could be more open about your relationship, but same-sex relationships are still a bit of a taboo area."

"Do you think anyone would actually hurt us?" Justin looked at Matt with a bit of fear in his eyes. 

"I am not sure." Matt looked around with a frown on his face. Justin never saw him look so serious. "Be careful." He patted Justin on the back and smiled. "Let's go."

*** 

Inside they found Nate and Lori sitting at a table with drinks already ordered. 

"We ordered you drinks." Lori grinned. "We had to guess what you liked, so we got the worst tasting drinks in the world."

"Root beer?" Justin asked, sitting down in the chair next to Nate. 

"Of course." Nate said, looking at the menu. "No idea how you two like that stuff so much."

They sat in silence as they looked at the menu. After five minutes, the waiter came over and took their orders and menus. 

"Wasn't that Julian?" Lori asked Matt as the waiter walked away.

"I think so."

"Who is Julian?" Nate asked, looking at the waiter. Justin punched his arm as he was watching way too hard.

"He graduated a year prior to us." Matt said absently. "He was a bright kid, but never went to college. Had some bad problems."

"Looks like he overcame most of them." Lori said, shaking her head. "I think drugs were involved, and bad home life. I had hoped he escaped and left, but he didn't."

Lori turned her attention to the two boys on the other side of the table. Matt groaned as he saw that glint in her eye. She was on the prowl for some information. 

"Leave them alone." Matt whispered into her ear as he put his arm on the back of Lori's chair. 

"So Nate." She started. "Did you ever figure out how I knew you were gay when we first met?"

Nate coughed on his drink. "Um…." He coughed again. "No?"

"It was your eyes." She smiled. "Every time you looked at Justin they dilated. Justin's eyes dilated as well."

"Did not know that." Justin said with a bit of shock. "Why do they do that?" Both Justin and Nate looked at each other to see if it was true. They could not tell.

"Matt does it when he looks at me. I assume mine do it when I look at him." Lori looked at Matt as she said it. "I have no idea why they do that. But it is a sign that you are attracted to each other."

They sat and talked while they waited for the meal. They talked about how school was going so far, and the various friends they had. Lori seemed to be interested in Neil, the one that Justin befriended due to his schedule change. Nate mentioned that Neil wanted to ask Kimberly out.

After their food arrived, the conversation died down as they ate. Justin did not realize how hungry he was. From the looks of it, the other three were just as starved. They finished their meal and sat talking some more.

"So," Lori said as she put her napkin on the plate. "I have been wanting to ask you a question. It is a bit personal."

"Uh. Okay." Justin said with a bit of hesitation.

"How do you plan to move forward with your relationship?" 

Nate and Justin looked at each other. "We will just have to see each other when we can. I am sure that we can manage."

"No." Lori said. "I mean sexually. How are you going to handle that?"

Justin turned beat red, and Nate just looked around.

"You embarrassed them." Matt said. "You guys are just starting out. You don't need to think about it just yet."

"We talked about it from the very start." Justin said. He had wanted to talk to Matt about it, but Lori might be just as helpful. He had told her things when Matt had not been around. He figured that when Matt went on his mission, he would have to confide in her anyway. She was as close to a sister as Kimberly was. "We decided we would hold off until we could feel that it was right. We know it is not part of Church doctrine, but we also know that we are emotionally connected. I think it will happen when it happens. If it ever happens."

Nate nodded in agreement. "We have plenty of time to get to that. We enjoy each other, and that is good enough for now. Like the two of you."

Lori blushed at the statement. "Um. Yea."

"Whoa!" Justin said with his eyes going bright. "You two have….?"

"Yea." Matt said, looking down. "I know we were supposed to wait, but it got to the better of us. It was once."

"Wow." Justin leaned back in his chair. He never imagined his brother would be one to break the law of chastity. But he wasn't surprised. "At least I know it's what I want. " He looked at Lori. "It was great. But I think we will wait till we're married, to do it again."

"Wow." Justin said. He looked at Nate. "I think we will still wait and just let it happen when it happens. We are still both wanting to stay worthy to do all the things that we can in Church." He grabbed Nate's hand under the table and squeezed it. "I love you."

"I love you too." Nate squeezed his hand back. "I will love you no matter what."

"So cute." Lori said. 

*** Modern Day ***

Justin rolled up to get out of bed, having finished crying. He knew what he had to do. He knew he was not mad at Matt for talking to Nate, but he was mad at himself for never having any closure to Nate leaving him. The big question was always "why?" 

He reached over to grab his cell phone. He knew Nate would be at church, the ever-dutiful boy. 

He typed in the text message: `I will be over at 12:00'. He held the phone waiting for a response, which was quick to come. `Great! I can't wait to see you'. 

"It's time." Justin said as he laid the phone on his bed. 

***

Part IX

*** Modern Day***

Justin rummaged through his closet looking for something to wear to meet Nate. He knew it was just a meeting to say goodbye, but he still wanted to go dressed decently. He found a purple shirt that he could live with, and decided on jean shorts and his sandals. He set them on the bed, and went to go and get a shower. 

His phone went off as he was leaving the room. He walked over to see who it was. It was Kimberly.

"Hey sweetness."

"Hey man stud." Kimberly said back. "How you doing?"

"Doing good." He sat down on the bed with a smile on his face. He loved talking to Kimberly. He was also happy that his job allowed him to travel and get to see her on a frequent basis.

"About to jump in the shower, but I will talk with you instead!"

"Sweet." She giggled on the other side of the phone. "How is home?"

"Good. Mom is still insisting I find a woman, but that's nothing new." Justin paused for a moment then jumped in with the big news he learned last night. "Matt and Lori are going to have a baby!"

"Awesome." She said excitedly. "I know they have been trying very hard. Tell them we said congratulations."

"Speaking of ‘we’," Justin grinned, "How is the Senator?" He liked to call Kimberly's husband the Senator, since that was his position. Even to his face it was always `the Senator'.

"The Senator is doing good." Kimberly laughed on the other end. "When are you coming for another visit?"

"I think I am coming out next month to work on an update for the DOD." Justin said. "Should take a couple of weeks. So plenty of time to visit."

"Great. The Senator and I will be happy to see you. You are staying with us right?" 

"Wouldn't miss it!"

"So have you seen him yet?" Kimberly said, deciding to bite the bullet. She knew this was a sore subject as she had been there to help pick up the pieces.

"I am this afternoon." Justin said with a frown. He knew Kimberly cared and was not asking to be nosey like others might. "I was going to stop the moment I got into town, but he was in the midst of a wedding party thing."

"Wedding?" Kimberly said the word with more of a half snort, half chuckle.  "Who's the beard he is marrying?" 

"Sarah." He waited for Kimberly's reaction, but he didn't hear anything. "Kim?" 

"Oh. That's interesting." Shef finally said. "That's really interesting."

"Why is that?" Justin asked, feeling a knot grow in his stomach. "Why is it interesting?"

"Well, I don't know if I should say." Kimberly said with a bit of hesitation. "I never knew if it was true or not."

"What?" Justin said with more of a demanding voice then he used with Kimberly.

"I don't know how true it is Justin." Kimberly hesitated again. 

"Tell me."

"Well there were rumors prior to him leaving you that he and Sarah were…." She hesitated again, not sure if she should continue, but decided to do so. "Romantically involved."

Justin sat for a moment thinking about what was said. He felt he should be shocked, but somehow he knew this might have been the case. 

"Sweetie?" Kimberly asked not sure if the phone had been dropped. "Are you okay?"

"Yea." Justin said thinking absently. His mind was trying to decide if the rumor was just that, or if there were signs it would be true. 

"After he left college, he moved to California, where everyone lost contact." Kimberly continued to try to fill in any blanks that Justin had not known about. "No one knew what happened to him. Even his parents rarely heard from him. He returned home about a year ago, but still most of his life was a mystery to his old friends."

"A year ago?" Justin was trying to connect dots but none were forming. "That's when he contacted Matt."

"He did me too." Kimberly said with a bit of anger in her voice. "Wanted to try and patch up our friendship. I told him that I was loyal to you, since we were friends prior to his arrival. Told him if he wanted to patch things up with us, he would have to patch it up with him."

"Interesting." Justin said thinking about it. "That fills in some pieces as to why he would contact Matt."

"Sorry love." Kimberly said quietly. "I know this is hurting more, and I hope you can work things out."

"I am sure we will." Justin was formulating in his mind how he would handle this new information. "Why didn't you tell me about this rumor prior to now?"

"Rumors are not something I like to spread." Kimberly said. "I am not sure the information is reliable. It was from one of Sarah's sorority sisters, and I figured it was rivalry in the sorority. Maybe trying to get me to turn against Sarah or something. I never heard anyone else talk about it."

"I understand." Justin said, playing with the hem of his shirt laying on the bed. "I think I better jump in the shower and get ready. I will call you later and let you know what happens."

"Love you." Kimberly said.

"Love you too sweetie." Justin replied and put the phone down. He got up and went to take a shower.

***

Justin walked into his room after taking a shower and looked at the clothes on his bed. He looked at the clothes for a moment and went back to his closet to look for some new clothes. He was able to find similar clothes to that one night. That one night was the first time he felt like a normal person.

He looked at them both for a moment before convincing himself that he needed to wear them. 

***

After he finished getting dressed he pulled out his pair of dress shoes and put them next to the bed to put on later. He sat on the edge of the bed looking around his room. There was something he was missing, but he knew it was somewhere in his room. 

A knock on his door interrupted his thoughts.

"Come in." He said at the door, and remembered where he had kept the old bottle. 

"Hey champ." Matt came in. "Nate said you contacted him and are..." Matt stopped short and looked at Justin looking in the nightstand drawer. "What are you wearing?"

"Clothes." Justin said, finding the bottle of cologne he used to wear in high school in the back of the drawer. He put it up to his nose and sniffed. He grinned and sprayed it on his clothes. "Long time since I wore this."

"Justin." Matt said with a frown on his face, and a look of disgust. "You don't want to do this."

"Of course I do." Justin sat down on the bed. He was calm and collected. "I am going to see Nate, and allow him to have `closure'. If by chance sights, smells, or other things help to ‘close’ that pain...." He pulled on the dress shoes. "I should have shined these."

"If you do this," Matt sat down next to him, "you will not be able to look at yourself in the mirror again."

Justin stood up and walked to the mirror to make sure he looked appropriate. After he was satisfied he turned to Matt.

"I have a hard time looking at myself now." Justin grabbed his phone and keys to the car and headed to the door. "If this happens to add another layer... Anyway, he did this. He can deal with it." 

Matt watched as Justin left the room, shaking his head.

***

Justin sat in his car outside of Nate's house. He was getting a pit in his stomach at the encounter he was about to have. He looked in the rearview mirror and was not happy with who he saw. Maybe Matt was correct. Maybe what he was about to do was the wrong thing. No. He had to do this. He sighed and climbed out of the car.

"Let's get this over with." Justin said to himself, trying to convince himself of something.

He approached the door and knocked. He felt a moment of deja vu, as he recalled the night Matt and he had arrived to make his first official date. He looked down at his clothes and realized how much of an ass he was. What am I doing?

The door opened and he saw Nate's mom standing in the door. A smile spread across her face.

"Justin!" She said, reaching out and giving him a big hug "I have not seen you..." She trailed off.  "Sorry." She frowned. "I am sorry." She pulled her arms back.

"It is okay." Justin smiled. "I am sure things happen for the best. Is Nate home?"

"Yes." She opened the door wide and stepped aside to allow Justin to walk through. "He is in the living room."

Justin walked into the hallway, and felt a wave of emotions wash over him. He felt he was prepared for this, but as it turned out the emotions were stronger than anticipated. He stopped just inside the door. He closed his eyes, and took several deep breaths. He felt a hand on his back. Everything was almost the same as that one night.

"Are you okay?" Nate's mom asked. She placed her hand on his back.

"Yes." Justin opened his eyes and smiled. "Just...dizzy."

He made his way to the living room; more emotions. This was far more difficult than he had imagined. He almost turned and ran out the door, but willed himself to continue.  One foot in front of the other.

He reached the opening to the living room and looked in. The room was different as there was new furniture and arrangement. Nate was sitting on the far side of the room on a couch looking at a book with a woman sitting next to him. He remembered Sarah, and immediately the feeling of deja vu left him and the anger returned. No. This was more than anger.

Nate heard Justin walking down the steps into the living room and looked up. His face turned into a bright smile. He put the book aside and got up to give Justin a hug.

"Hey!" He said as he put his arms out to provide the hug. Justin put up his hand and stepped back. Nate frowned, and dropped his hands. "I don't blame you." He quietly sad under his breath. Justin could see that there was hurt deep in his eyes. Maybe this was not what should happen.

Nate turned to Sarah. "You remember Justin?" His resolve returned.

"Hey Justin." Sarah smiled at Justin. "Good to see you."

Justin's face gave no emotion, and ignored Sarah's statement. Nate frowned, pain formed on his face. He walked over to Sarah and leaned over to whisper something in her ear. She smiled and stood up and patted his face and walked out of the room. 

Nate turned his attention back to Justin. Justin saw all the features he had enjoyed before. The hair and  the eyes that he could get lost in. Justin shook his head as he resisted the urge to grab Nate and kiss him.

Could he do it? He had too.

"I am here." Justin said with a bit of spite in his voice. "What did you want?"

"I can't blame you for being angry." Nate said as he sat back down on the couch. He put his hands between his knees and looked at the floor. "I should not have left you like that. I was afraid and figured that it was the best thing to do."

Justin crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes. "And what made you want to leave? I thought you were happy?"

"I was." Nate said looking at Justin, tears formed in his eyes, and Justin felt his heart start to soften. Nate looked pitiful, and weak. "I know there are no excuses for my behavior. After we made love that one night, I felt like I had made a mistake my whole life. I felt that I was not being fulfilled like I should have been. I wanted to go and find myself. Find what it is that I was." He looked down at the floor again as tears rolled down his face. "I left to figure it out. I should have told you."

Justin felt a wave of  heat pass over him. He walked over and sat down next to Nate. Nate inhaled sharply and closed his eyes. He opened them and looked at Justin with tears falling down his face. 

"You must really hate me." Nate said moving further away from Justin. Further away from the smell that he loved so much about Justin. ”You did this intentionally.”

"And what did you find out?" Justin asked, ignoring the apparent pain now registered on his face. He had a hard time resisting the urge to smile, knowing he had nailed an emotional wound with a giant hammer.

"I still don't know." Nate shrugged, wiping the tears from his face. "I still have feelings for you. I still love you. Never stopped. But I also discovered that a woman made me feel more fulfilled. That is what I needed in my life."

"7 years with me, and that is your conclusion?" Justin said through his teeth as now his urge to kiss Nate turned into an urge to deck him. "7 years of unhappiness?"

"They were great years." Nate said, looking at Justin. "I will cherish them, but now I must move on. Sarah has been very understanding, and I would like to become friends again with you." Nate smiled in an attempt to ease Justin's anger that was boiling up, and he could feel the anger radiate. Justin had to close his eyes and take several breaths. "I want you to come to the wedding. I want you to be part of my life again."

Justin's mind snapped as he heard the request.

"Come to the wedding?!" He screeched the wedding part, and flew up off the couch. "You left me hanging after 7 years, and now you ask me to come to your wedding and to be part of your life?!" His voice got louder as he was speaking. 

"I want us to be friends again." Nate said his eyes showed deep pain, and again tears started to fall down his face. "You were an important part of my life. You are still. I tried to get a hold of you, but no one was willing to help until recently."

"Matt." Justin said. "You knew he could not turn you down, because he is that type of person."

"Please forgive me Justin." Nate said standing up. "I need to know that you have moved on and have had a good life. That I did not mess it up too badly."

"Before I forgive you on any level, I need to know something." Justin said willing himself to not give in to a man he still had feelings for. He looked Justin square in the face, and clasped his hands behind his back. "I want you to be honest with me. Don't lie."

"Okay." Nate said. Hope was in his voice. Hope was in his eyes.

"Did you mess around with Sarah while we were still together?" Justin felt his heart turn colder than ever before, which scared him a little. How could he have such animosity? The anger and hate that he had held back for years boiled to the top. It was a feeling he was terrified and excited at the same time. 

Nate looked at the ground without responding. Justin's emotions became more embedded in his heart, as his mind turned evermore to anger, and revenge.

"Well?" Justin dropped his hands from behind his back, and demanded an answer. "Answer me!"

Nate looked up, his face looked tired, and he was pale. Justin knew the answer before Nate whispered it softly, attempting to mask the reality.

"Yes."

"Was this before or after we had sex?" 

Nate had tears in his eyes again, and he started to shake his head. "I had to know. I had to know what I was, and what I wanted. Like Matt…."

"DON'T use Matt as an excuse for any of YOUR actions!" Justin screamed at Nate. "You wanted me to come here and forgive you for leaving me without so much as a goodbye or a note!" Justin took several steps towards Nate, clasping his hands into fists. The anger flowed through him. "I am not going to forgive you. I am not going to give you the closure you need. I hope the emotional scare you gave yourself never heals, and you have a hellish life!" He was yelling at the top of his lungs. He knew Nate's mom and Sarah would have heard him by now. "Don't EVER contact me or my brother again!" He spun around on his heels and walked briskly towards the door, almost running over Sarah as she came into the room upon hearing the argument. 

"Justin…." she said but stopped as she could see the fire in his eyes.

"I hope you two are happy." Justin gave a smirk as he passed Sarah. He climbed the steps that lead to the hallway that would lead to the door. He started to walk out, but turned around with his hand on the door handle.

He felt a strange, cold calm come over him. He felt empty.

"Something you may want to know Sarah. Nate wanted to find out what he was, so he had the opportunity. When we fucked he wanted to be the bottom. He squealed like a little pig as I pounded his ass. He squealed that he wanted it harder and faster. He couldn't get enough of it. He even came without me touching him. He may not have felt fulfilled by the act, but I filled his ass. Maybe when he decides you aren't enough to fulfill him, you can try that maneuver." He looked at Nate whose face had become a mix of horror and shock as he described the event. "Who knows? Maybe he is getting it from someone else, just because he feels the need to get fucked. Better get that strap-on ready for more action." He spun around as he could see Nate torn apart on the inside. He smiled as he walked out of the house.

***

Justin made it to his car shaking. He had never done anything so vicious in his life. The outburst made him sick to his stomach, and he felt like he was going to throw up. He grabbed the wheel and placed his head on it. Matt was right.

He started the car and headed towards the one place he felt he could find some comfort in his darkest hour.  

*** 

Justin stood on the edge of the cliff looking down into the canyon. He had discovered this spot once when he was hiking with Matt in Box Canyon. He found it was nice as it was high up, and he could look out and observe the beauty that was nature. The wind blew softly through the pine trees and the air had an ozone smell. Rain was coming.

He still played back the scene in his head. The anger he felt, the pure animalistic anger he felt towards Nate; The need to shame him, and the need to seek vengeance. Was it that important? He wanted to call Kimberly and let her know what he did. Get her perspective of the situation, but he wanted peace for a while. 

The sound of rocks behind him made him smile for a moment, but that disappeared almost as quickly as it came.

"I wish to be alone." Justin said without turning around. He knew who it was.

"I figured you would be up here." Matt spoke back to him and he came up beside him with his hands behind his back. "Once you found this place, you always ran to escape. Be away from everyone. I figured you would come here to escape your demons."

"What demons would that be?" Justin turned to look at Matt. His anger was boiling again. 

"The demon you created inside you when you decided that shaming Nate was better than forgiving him." Matt just looked out over the canyon. "I can see why you like it here."

Justin snorted at Matt and turned his attention back to his view. "I should have known the bastard would call you. When in trouble, who better to call but my good old brother Matt. He will save the day."

"Don't take it out on me." Matt turned to face him fully. "You are the one that did this. I told you not to do it. That you would have a hard time facing yourself in the mirror."

Justin turned to face Matt. "I actually feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I wish I had done this the moment I came back into town. In front of all his family and friends. How delightful that would be." Justin turned on his heels and started to walk back towards his car.

Matt followed Justin back down the small winding path towards the bottom of the canyon. He had hoped to stay here alone for at least another hour. Now that was ruined. 

"You don't mean that." Matt fell into step behind him. "You are hurting. Why else would you have come up here? You only come here when you are hurting."

"My big brother." Justin started to walk faster. "The all knowing one. Always trying to help when his help is not asked for. You stick your nose into other people's business way too often. In fact if it hadn't been for you, I wouldn't be in this mess. You should have just let me and Nate go our separate ways in high school." Thunder rumbled in the distance.

"Now hold on just a moment!" Matt grabbed Justin's arm to stop him. Justin whirled around and slugged Matt square in the jaw, catching him off balance and by surprise. Matt fell to the ground and Justin spun to walk away. 

As Justin turned around, he heard a rush behind him and the weight of a body colliding into him. Both bodies rolled down the slope a bit and they came to a tussle, each attempting to get dominance over the other. Once upon a time Justin was no match for Matt, but not they were equal. Matt had slouched in taking care of his physical prowess, and Justin had taken advantage of a gym plan at work. 

Every now and then one would get in a good punch, causing the other to grunt in pain. But for the majority they just rolled around on the ground, occasionally rolling into a tree, or rolling further down the path. 

After several minutes of fighting they slowly started to ease up. Justin and Matt were both panting hard as they came to a stop under a tree. Justin started to laugh, but that quickly turned into crying. Matt grabbed him and held him tight.

"I put everything into that relationship." Justin said between sobs. "I loved him like no other. I wanted to make him happy and I thought I had made him happy." Matt just patted Justin's hair, which was now full of pine needles, dirt, and who knew what other organic matter. "Why couldn't he tell me he was having thoughts about women? Or wanted to find out these things? Why did he just have to leave and not say anything?"

Matt knew he didn't have to say anything, and that Justin needed to just vent. 

"He told me the day he left that he loved me and that I was the best thing that happened to him. Who the hell does that shit?" Justin sobbed harder. "And then he comes back and he has the gall to ask me for forgiveness AND to come to his wedding. He can rot in hell."

Justin continued to cry for a bit longer, and Matt just held him. He needed the fight. He needed the tears. The shame of what he had done was starting to settle in.

"You are going to be okay Justin." Matt finally said, as it was apparent the sobbing was coming to an end. "You have made it this far, and have turned into a wonderful person. You may even have another relationship that might just turn into something more wonderful. You are going to have to forgive Nate. But most of all, you are going to have to forgive yourself. We all have those dark challenges. How we respond to those challenges is how we prove who we are."

"Do I have to forgive him?" Justin said, looking at Matt. 

"If you don't you will never truly move on." Matt grinned. "Now let's go and get home to shower. Lori and I have to get on the road tonight so Chris can go to school and I can get to work tomorrow."

"Oh that's right." Justin and Matt both stood up, trying to dust as much of nature off of them that they could. "I am sorry I sucker punched you."

"It's okay. You can't hit to save your life." Matt laughed as he rubbed his jaw. "But it does smart." He rubbed his jaw.

"I will stop by your work before my date with Jason. I think I will take a look at your system. I have some upgrades to run that will take a couple of hours as well." Justin walked down the path with Matt by his side. "It will take me some time before I forgive Nate."

Matt draped one arm around Justin and rubbed his jaw. “Lori is going to love this.”

***

Part X

***Modern Day***

The sky started to grow dark as Justin and Matt drove back towards town. Justin did not recall there being any rain in the forecast, but then again the New Mexico weather changed quickly. 

As they got into town large raindrops had started to splatter the windshield. Justin loved the rain; One of the upsides to living in Seattle. He made his way through town and reached his house. The rain was pouring quickly, and it made it difficult to see. Lighting arched across the sky. 

Before getting out of the car he looked in the rearview window. His eye was starting to turn blue where Matt had landed a blow. He rubbed it a bit and figured it would grow bigger before tomorrow.

"Great!" he said to himself. "What a way to meet someone." 

He got out of the car and ran to the house, knowing that the faster he moved the more he got wet, but still, it was something he enjoyed as a kid. Rain was a rarity, and he enjoyed every minute of it. 

Once he got inside he knew he wanted to avoid his mother, and father if he was home, with his shiner. He made his way up to his room to get out of his wet clothes and to take a nap. He was emotionally and physically weak from his afternoon: Emotionally drained from having to deal with Nate, and physically drained from his fight with Matt. He needed that release of energy. He just hoped Matt would not get hell from his wife for having a knockout brawl with his little brother.

He got to his room and sat on the edge of his bed. He could really use a nap, but he could also take a shower. He still had dirt in his hair from his fight. He grabbed some clean clothes and laid them on his bed, and then he went to take a shower. 

In the shower he let the water run over his body. He washed off, and put his hands on the wall under the showerhead, and let the water run down his back. He watched some of the dirt run down the drain and sighed. He had cried for a long time with Matt, and he did feel somewhat better. However, the pain was coming back. He also could feel the anger within him, rising once more. He had to fight to keep it under control. 

He decided he needed to take a nap. Turning off the water, he grabbed a towel and started to dry. He looked at himself in the mirror, and frowned. He wasn't sure about it, but there was something different about him. He never was comfortable looking at himself in the mirror, but now he looked like a stranger. Maybe Matt was right. Maybe doing what he did, changed him, and made him a different person. 

"Bah!" He said to himself as he wrapped the towel around his waist. He had some defined muscle on his arms, but the rest of his body was smooth. He always thought he was good looking, but sometimes he wondered. Ever since Nate left him he always had an image problem. Now he was feeling foolish forever thinking Nate left him because he was no longer attractive. It was because of a woman.

He made his way to his room, and started to put on his clean clothes. A knock on the door interrupted his thoughts. He looked down. He had shorts on, but no shirt. Figured he was decent.

"Come in."

The door opened and Lori stepped in. "Oh." She said as she saw Justin standing with his shirt off. "I am sorry." She started to turn around.

"It's okay." Justin said, grabbing his shirt, and pulling it over his head. "Nothing you haven't seen before."

"I suppose." She stood by the door. "Matt is taking a shower. He is incredibly dirty, and has a swollen jaw. He said he had fallen down in the mountains with you, and hit his jaw on a rock. Now I see you with a black eye.” She crossed her arms and leaned against the door opening. “You two had it out." She fixed him with her stern eyes.

Justin laughed a bit. "Naw. We just had a misunderstanding. He was trying to be helpful, and I was trying to be an ass. We both got our way."

"You two." Lori shook her head. "I hope it helped either way. That eye is going to get worse before tomorrow. Your date may think you're a bad boy."

"I hope that is what he is into!" Justin grinned. "When you leaving?"

"I think we are going to leave after dinner tonight." She sighed. "I know your mom wants to make another special meal for us. She has gotten more excited with me after she knows we are getting a child of our own."

"And I will not hear the end of it." Justin sighed as he sat down on the bed.

"I am sorry bud." She moved over to sit next to him. "You have turned out to be an awesome person. All the things in your life have brought you here." She reached over and gave him a hug and kissed him on the check. 

Justin smiled and hugged her back. 

"I will let you take a nap." She stood up and walked out, closing the door. 

Justin smiled to himself, and started to lie down. He stopped with an arm bracing him on the bed and looked at his cabinet. The drawer to his dresser was open. His bottle of cologne sat on the top. He got up to put the bottle up. As he was about to close it, he saw a piece of paper inside. 

"It can't be." He said to himself as he reached to grab the paper. He hesitated to pull it out, as he did not want to relive any more memories. He reached in and grabbed the paper. It was a Christmas card he had received from Nate for their first Christmas together. "I thought I lost this."

***December; 15 years ago***

Justin sat in seminary class bored as usual. He liked seminary last year, but this year there seemed to be something different. Maybe it was the new teacher: Sister Conrad. Her husband was a student at Tech, so she was not much older than the four seniors present. He was sitting next to Nate as he always did, with Kimberly on his other side. 

There were three weeks of school left, and he was anxious for it to end. He would have more time to spend with Nate, and he would not have to sit here at 6:30 in the morning. 

The whole point of seminary was to help high school age students gain a better understanding of their faith, as well as to provide a `spiritual' barrier to the hardships of high school life. At first it was awkward, as Sister Conrad did not hide her displeasure of Nate and Justin sitting next to each other. She kept a stern, watchful eye on the two to make sure they were not doing anything inappropriate. Cody, the boy who was always kind to them sat on the opposite side of Nate. This of course made some people whisper behind his back that Cody was also secretly gay. 

Justin was constantly getting himself into trouble in seminary. Every time there was a setting in the Old Testament that said homosexuality was a sin, Sister Conrad emphasized it. Justin started to challenge, and make her explain every conceivable aspect to the verse. 

His big victory came when they were discussing the book of First Samuel. He could tell that she was about to skip over the story of King David and Jonathan. Justin was not about to let that one slide by, as to him; it was a basic account of David and Jonathan as gay lovers. He got called into the Bishops office for that one next Sunday. Justin grinned every time he thought of the look on his teacher's face when he asked her why they were going to skip that story. They were no longer allowed to engage each other. 

"Just a reminder," Sister Conrad was finishing up the lesson, "Next week will be our last week prior to Christmas break. We will be having final's on what we covered so far, and the study guide is in your folders."

Justin grabbed his things and waited for Nate to finish up his stuff. They rode to school together every morning, so as to have more time together. Today it was Nate's turn to drive. 

Justin slid into the passage seat, throwing his backpack into the back seat. He reached over and gave Nate a kiss after he had buckled in and started the car.

"I wanted to do that all morning." Justin grinned.

"Me too." Nate pated Justin on the leg, and looked out his window to the car next to his. Jenny and Johnny were sitting in the car next to theirs. Sometime during the year they had decided to start dating. They both had disdain for Justin and Nate, and they were not afraid to show it. 

"Maybe Johnny is dating Jenny because he wants to exert his manhood'." Justin said, seeing Nate look out the window. Jenny was getting heavy with Johnny, and kept turning her head when he moved to her neck and giving the look like she was doing something right. 

"Or maybe Jenny is just a slut." Nate kissed his hand, and blew a kiss her way, which made her frown and pull directly away from Johnny who looked like he had just gotten his lollipop stolen by the playground bully.

Nate moved the car into gear and started the drive to the high school. The drive would take 15 minutes and give them almost 30 minutes prior to the first bell. The only upside to early morning seminary.

"So what are your plans for Christmas?" Justin asked as he read some of his notes for a first period exam. 

"I think we are staying here." Nate thought the question over. "We usually go to grandmas, but this year my mom has invited my Uncle Ron with his partner Tim. I think she wants me to feel better."

"Awesome." Justin grinned. "I hope I can meet them." 

"Do you think your mom will let you come over? For Christmas Eve dinner?" Nate grinned. "You can invite the family over if you want."

"I can." Justin laughed at the idea of his mother meeting another gay couple. "Matt and Lori have invited them over for dinner. I have declined since I said I would be busy that night with you. Mom had a fit, but dad said it was fine. As long as I am home on Christmas day."

"Sounds good." 

They drove the rest of the way in silence, while Justin flipped through his notes. 

Nate pulled into his parking spot and turned off the car. He sat for a moment looking at his wheel.

"What's wrong?" Justin said as he paused, reaching for his bag in the back seat.

"I want to give you something, but I am not sure if I should do it now, or if I should do it later." Nate played with a loose string on his wheel cover. "I mean it's not your present."

"Well you can always give me my present on Christmas Eve." Justin smiled and put his hand on Nate's shoulder. "I don't have anything for you to return right now."

"It's okay." Nate said and reached under his seat and pulled out a blue envelope that obviously contained a Christmas card. "I wanted to give this to you." 

Justin grinned and took the card. He opened it pulling out a card with the top half in blue, and the bottom half in white, representing snow. He turned it over to look at the front, and there was a small Christmas village scene. Across the top were the words in silver glitter, "Peace on Earth". Justin grinned and opened it up where Nate had hand written the words to "I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day", which was Justin's favorite Christmas song. 

"I love it!" Justin said, leaning over and giving Nate a strong kiss. He pulled back and put the card back into its envelope. "I think it is the best thing anyone has given me. Ever!" He reached back and pulled out his backpack and slid the card into the front pocket.

*** 

Justin and Nate made their way into the commons area of high school holding hands. They were looking for their friends. Everyone in school knew they were a couple, and for the most part were ignored for it. They got a couple of words murmured under the breath of some students, but they ignored them. 

They found Neil, Scott, and Grayson sitting on a portion of the round concrete circle that surrounded the tree in the center. Their little group had grown bigger since the start of the school year, and the table that used to house the four, now moved to a larger space. 

"Hello gents!" Nate said, coming up on the small group waiting. "I see Kimberly has yet to make it."

"She is at her locker." Neil said, looking off towards her locker. "She will be back in a moment."

"Anything fun on the block today?" Justin asked Scott and Grayson. He had afternoon classes with Neil and they had two tests that afternoon. 

"Just the typical." Scott said with half closed eyes. "I think we all have tests this week, with next week being dead week. I am so looking forward to the end of this semester."

Scott was usually a good student, but his attitude turned south recently, and Justin had no idea what was going on. The one who never held back his emotions, now silenced. It was odd, and unnerving. 

"Hey boys." Kimberly came up whipping her hair around her shoulder as she had the habit of doing. "Doing anything I should be worried about?" She winked at Justin and Nate.

"Only that which you would find embarrassing." Justin grinned. He had taken a seat next to Grayson. Nate had taken a seat behind Justin and they were leaning against each other for support.

Kimberly had sat next to Neil giving him a kiss. "Hello sweetie." 

"Lady." Neil said, kissing her back. "Good morning?"

"Almost." She looked at Justin and grinned. "Since he has to be a good boy, Seminary is no longer fun."

"What can I say?" Justin said. "I want answers, but they only want to give them so long as it is non-controversial."

Nate laughed. "Controversial? You are down right obscene in your attitude according to Magistrate Conrad. You are just a heathen!"

They all laughed at his joke, as they were familiar with Justin's attempt to provoke a response from his seminary teacher in regard to homosexuality. Of course Justin had always been contrary when something didn't make sense, but when it came to Church, Justin always ruffled feathers that made him unpopular with some of the older people in the church. This adventure into loving Nate was just another `phase' that many felt he would grow out of. 

Grayson coughed a bit. "Is that Cody Lane?" He whispered into Justin's ear. 

"Yea." Justin grinned. "Fancy him?"

"No." Grayson turned a light shade of red. He was still fragile about his sexuality, but had become stronger being around Justin and Nate. 

They continued to talk as their other friends started to come around prior to the first bell ringing. There were two girls that had joined the group, mostly due to Neil, Justin figured. Sarah Rodriguez and Kristin Martinez were their names, and he found them to be amusing. Sarah and Nate had become close friends, much like Kimberly was to him. 

The first bell rang which signaled the need to get to class in ten minutes. As they gathered their stuff, Grayson poked Justin in the ribs and motioned his head towards Cody walking towards them. 

"Hey Cody." Justin said as he walked up to the dispersing group. Grayson stayed behind. Justin grinned as he could tell Grayson had a crush on the hulking senior. 

"Hey Justin." Cody smiled, and then looked at Grayson and grinned a bit larger. "Hey Grayson."

"Hi." Grayson said shyly. Justin raised his eyebrow at this and wondered if something more was there then just Grayson having a crush. "Hey Justin, is there any way I can talk to you after school?"

"Sure man." Justin thought for a moment. "You want to come over after school? I am sure my mom would enjoy having you over as you might be the good `straight' influence I need."

Cody laughed at the concept. "I am sure she would. We can use the Christmas party we are planning for church as a reason for my visit."

"Devious." Justin grinned. 

"See you after school." Cody started to walk towards his class and shot a glance at Grayson. "See you later as well Grayson."

Justin looked at Grayson and swore the poor boy was about to faint. 

"No crush huh?" Justin laughed, wrapping his arm around Grayson and tousled his hair. "Maybe he has a thing for you too?"

"Yea right." Grayson said, fighting away from Justin. "He has a girlfriend. Anyway, what would someone like him want with someone like me?"

"Don't sell yourself short. You are very attractive." Justin let Grayson go. "I am sure you will find a guy. Maybe not here in high school, but you will find someone."

*** 

Nate pulled up in front of Justin's house dropping him off after school. Justin always felt uneasy about Nate bringing him home like this, but he figured he was just getting dropped off after school. They sat talking for a moment.

"What do you think Cody wants to talk about?" Nate asked and looked at the front door. He always had the feeling Justin's mom was watching them to make sure they were not doing anything `sinful'. 

"I am not sure." Justin shook his head. "I noticed he was looking at Grayson as if `wanting' him. But I am not sure. I could just be seeing things."

Nate laughed. "Cody? He is the epitome of what it is to be straight. Connie and him have been dating for almost as long as Matt and Lori. It would be odd if he `switched' teams."

"I don't know." Justin laughed at the idea. "I best get going. Thank you so much for the card. I love you."

"Love you too." Nate said back, squeezing Justin's hand. They did not dare kiss in front of his house, as his mother would come screaming at them. Nate always wanted to see what it looked like, but Justin reminded him that he had to live with her.

*** 

Going inside the house, Justin found his mother as usual in the kitchen getting dinner ready. He always wondered why she spent so much time getting meals ready. 

"How was school?" She asked him as she rolled some dough out on the counter. 

"It was good. Had two tests today, and a math test tomorrow. I know I passed them today." Justin went to the fridge and pulled out a root beer. "I am not sure how well I will do on the math test."

"Just make sure you spend some time studying." She rolled out the dough. "How is Nate?"

Justin coughed a bit; as he was shocked she would ask that question. "He is doing good."

"Have either of you found a girl yet to be interested in?" She asked.

"No." Justin sighed. Figured it would be something like that, he thought. "We are happy as it is."

"You would be happier with a girl." His mother calmly replied, taking the rolled out dough and putting it into a pie pan. She went over to the stockpot and pulled out chicken pieces she had been boiling and placed them on a chopping board to cut up.

"Speaking of people that have girlfriends," Justin said knowing his mother was attempting to goad him. "Cody is coming over in a bit to talk about the Christmas party that we are having at Church next week."

She didn't respond as she took the chopped up chicken pieces to another large bowl and dumped them in. "Is he still with Connie?"

"As far as I know." Justin took a drink and leaned against the counter. "He is committed to that relationship, unless something has changed."

"Maybe he will be a good influence on you." She went to the refrigerator and pulled out some vegetables and started to chop those as well. "Your brother was too supportive, and I am sure Cody is not as supportive."

"I am sure." Justin said grinning. She must not have been aware that Cody thought Justin and Nate were brave for doing what they did in front of the whole school. 

"Will he be staying for dinner?" She asked looking up. Justin knew his mother missed having Matt home to feed, and having a guest would make her day. 

"Possible." Justin shrugged. "I am not sure how long it will take tonight. I am going to take a shower before he gets here."

His mother watched him go up the stairs.

***

Justin walked down stairs as he heard the doorbell go off. As he got to the bottom of the steps his mother had opened the door and was inviting Cody into the living room. He took a deep breath in as he saw what Cody was wearing. He had changed into a tight fitting shirt that left nothing to imagination. Justin knew that Cody was a member of the football team, but never dreamed he was so well defined. He had defined abs, and his chest was broad, and he could see his nipples clearly in the shirt. He was wearing a baggy pair of pants, and Justin had to concentrate not to stare. 

"Thank you." Cody said to his mother.

"So you two are going to be busy talking about the Christmas party?" His mother asked closing the door. 

"Yes ma'am." Cody said. "We have a bit more planning to do, but should be ready to go. It is always fun working with Justin. He always wants things in order and nothing left to chance. I think the Bishop likes him for that too."

"Are you still with Connie?" His mother cut to the chase with her questing. Justin sighed.

"Yes." Cody laughed a bit. "We are happy."

"Good." His mother looked at Justin. "I can just hope that he can see how much happier you are with a woman." She turned around and walked back towards the kitchen.

"Sorry about that." Justin said to Cody. "She thinks you will be a good influence on me. Make me see the error of my ways."

"Oh my." Cody said. "Maybe I will."

"Come on." He motioned for him to come up to his room.

Once inside his room, Justin pointed to the bed. "Have a seat." Justin pulled his office chair around and sat in it facing Cody, who had started to fidget with his hands. "So what advice do I have to offer?"

Cody sat on the edge of the bed silent. Justin had to will himself not to stare at his chest. He could feel his pants start to get tight as he became aroused.

"Justin," Cody finally said, "How did you know you were gay?"

Justin was a bit shocked at this question, even though he knew it was the question Cody was going to ask. Justin pondered the question attempting to think what it was that made him realize he was in fact attracted to me. 

"Well," Justin started trying to make sure he did not say anything that would make Cody upset. "I think it was the fact that I liked being around my male friends and not so much my female friends. I know Kimberly liked me that way for a long time, but I myself never felt more of a connection to her. I also noticed that I enjoyed watching guys run around in a tight shirt like yours, then girls running around showing cleavage." Justin laughed a bit that he admitted he was looking at Cody's body.

Cody blushed. "Oh." He looked down at his shirt. "I am sorry. I didn't think. I always change shirts after practice, and this is just more comfortable for me. I am sorry." He attempted to cover himself up. 

"No your fine." Justin laughed. "Nate and I always watch you when you're working out and stuff. It's a good show."

Cody laughed, relaxing a bit. He got quiet again. "I love Connie." He said after a moment of thinking. "I know she loves me. We have been together for a long time, but sometimes I get the feeling that I am not happy enough."

"Grayson?" Justin put out. "I noticed you looked at him."

"Yea." Cody blushed harder. "I love his face. It is just adorable, and I want to grab him all the time. I want to see what it is like to feel him pressed against my body, and his lips touching mine." His eyes went wide as he realized what he had just admitted too. "My God." He put his hands to his face and Justin could tell he was on the verge of crying. 

Justin got out of his office chair and sat next to Cody, and wrapped his arms around the strong man who was now on the verge of tears. As his hand touched Cody's muscular arms he felt another growth of emotion fill his pants. He had never touched someone that was as built and solid as Cody. He willed himself to deal with the situation. 

"Cody," Justin started, "I want you to know I love you, and you are who you are." He pulled Cody into him as he turned his head and cried into Justin's chest. 

"I am scared." Cody said. "I see you and Nate so happy, and I wonder if I am that happy. I wonder if being with Connie is what I need, or is there something else."

"Listen." Justin pushed Cody up and made him look him in the eyes. "I have no idea what you are, or what you need to do. You will never know unless you follow your heart. Maybe you just need some time away from Connie. Maybe that is all. Maybe you can hang out with us and get to know Grayson better. I think either way, you owe it to yourself to know."

Cody smiled in the tears that had covered his face, and looked at Justin. "I don't want to cheat on Connie with anyone. I actually ended it with her last week. Told her I needed to think some things through. I understood if she didn't wait for me. She said she understood, and figured it was coming. Said she saw it in my eyes." His eyes grew wide. "You don't think she suspected I was questioning my sexuality?"

"Maybe." Justin thought of Lori and how quickly she picked up on Nate and his desire. "Lori could tell Nate was just by looking at him the first day. It was amazing how she could."

"She scares me sometimes." Cody laughed and pulled himself fully away from Justin. "Like she could see your soul or something."

"You have no idea." Justin shook his head thinking of all that time Lori knew he was up to something.

"Justin," Cody started. "Can I ask a favor?"

"I suppose." Justin smiled. He still could not get over the fact that this giant of a man was sitting here crying in his bed. 

"Can you just hold me for a bit?" Cody looked down at the bed. "It felt good to be held like that."

"Sure." Justin smiled. He pushed himself up against the frame of the bed and Cody lay next to him. "But we do need to finish planning that Christmas party."

"In a bit." Cody said. He snuggled himself up next to Justin and closed his eyes. Justin looked down at Cody and wondered how such a large person could be so vulnerable. He was amazed that he had found the strength to do something that others could not do. He leaned his head down and kissed Cody on the top of the head and leaned his head back. Nate was not going to believe what happened. 

*** Modern Day ***

Justin woke up with the card lying on the bed open. He grabbed it and glanced at the words to the song that Nate had copied so many years ago. He was surprised that as he read the words the anger he felt, the animosity he garnered for Nate started to ease. His discussion with Cody that day about finding yourself was in bouncing in his head. He had given Cody the idea that he needed to find out what made him happy. He had been with Connie for years, and ended it because he felt he needed to find a different direction. How could he have given that advice to Cody and be upset with Nate for doing the same thing.

He rolled up and sat on the edge of the bed still looking at the card. He looked at the last line where Nate had written a personal message: "I will always and forever love you, no matter what may happen. Love, Nate."

Justin sighed heavily and lifted his head up and arched his back to stretch it out. He was a damn fool for doing what he had done. Matt was right. Anger was not the way to solve this. Nate may have done it in a horrible way, but Nate had to do it. He was not happy and needed to find what made him happy. If Justin truly did love Nate, then he had to forgive him for those actions. Justin could not keep him from being happy at his own expense. 

He pulled out his phone and started to text Nate, but closed it and put it back in his pocket. This was not something to do over the phone. He had to make things right. He jumped up and grabbed his keys to his car, and his wallet and ran out of his room. When he made it to the first floor, Matt and Chris were sitting in the living area playing a video game.

"Hey!" Matt said, spying Justin grabbing the front door. "Where are you off too?"

"Nate's." Justin said smiling.

"I thought you were just there?" Matt looked confused.

"I have to fix it." Justin walked out the door into the rain that was still pouring before Matt could respond. Matt just smiled and went back to playing the game with Chris. 

*** 

Justin pulled up to Nate's house for a second time that day. The rain was still falling in large drops. He had butterflies in his stomach. He reached over onto the passenger side seat and picked up the Christmas card. He hoped Nate would talk to him. Ironically, he hoped that Nate would forgive him, even though Justin had failed to forgive Nate. 

He climbed out of the car and made his way to the door. He paused a moment before knocking, but pushed his mind to get through the task at hand. Waiting, he looked around the front yard he had not really noticed in many years. There were several flowers growing, which was a nice touch. The door opened, turning his attention back to the front of the house.

The scene shocked him more than he had anticipated. There was Nate, with his eyes red and swollen from apparently crying. Justin almost burst into tears seeing him like this. He felt sorrow and remorse for his actions earlier. He instantly put his hand up to Nate's face and rubbed his cheek bone. 

"I am so sorry." Justin said with tears forming in his eyes. "I am so, so sorry."

Nate pushed his head against Justin's hand, sighing softly at the touch. It had been a long time since he had touched Nate, and now that it was here, it brought back all the old feelings. All the old feelings came back, that he had forgotten. He leaned in to put his forehead against Nates.

"Justin." Nate said, pulling him out of his trance. Justin pulled his head back, shaking it, along with his hand.. 

"I am sorry about that too." Justin said, stepping back. "I know you are supposed to get married."

Nate pulled the door open and stood aside to let Justin in. Justin walked and stepped inside, holding the card in his hand behind his back. 

"After you left, Sarah and I got into an argument." Nate said, walking slowly towards the living room area. "She said I lied to her, and was not completely honest about our relationship."

Justin remained silent. He was not sure how to respond. He knew he was at fault for this and knew saying `sorry' was not enough.  He just slowly followed behind him. 

"I told her I had been honest, that we had done things." Nate put his hand against the doorframe that led into the living room. He looked like he was on the verge of passing out. "She said I neglected to say that it was unprotected. That I put her life at risk for having unsafe sex."

"I..." Justin started to say, but just bowed his head. The idea of Nate having something was beyond comprehension. As far as Justin knew they had not had sex prior to that event. But as it turned out he had sex with Sarah well before they had done it. The question he had was if Nate had lied to him, then what is to say he did not lie to Sarah. 

"I thought she accepted me for me." Nate flipped over and leaned against the wall. "I guess I found out how she truly felt. That I must thank you for."

Justin walked over to Nate and grabbed his hand. Nate grabbed it back and squeezed hard. Justin closed his eyes trying to prevent himself from breaking down. Nate collapsed to the floor, all energy apparently removed from his body.  

"Come on." Justin said, grabbing hold of Nate's arms and pulling him up. "Let's get you up to your room, and get you cleaned up."

Nate allowed Justin to pick him up and make his way back to his bedroom. Their Justin placed Nate on the bed, and went to work pulling off his clothes. A good shower would fix things. It had been a long time since he had to help Nate get undressed and into the shower. Justin chuckled under his breath as he pulled off Nate's shoes and socks. Within a few minutes he had Nate out of his clothes. 

Justin stood back and got ready to help Nate get into the shower. He paused for a moment and marveled at his body. He still had the similar look. Not defined, but he had a tight body. Apparently he still kept up his swimming. He hesitated a moment before grabbing ahold of Nate, afraid of what the physical contact might lead to.

"Alright." Justin grunted as Nate put his whole weight on him. "Wow you have gained weight." He laughed but Nate just grunted and shrugged. Justin helped Nate walk to the shower, where he deposited him on the toilet while he turned the water on.

"Justin," Nate said, still looking down at the floor. Justin thought Nate looked like a little kid who was too tired to even know who he was. "Do you hate me?"

Justin felt the water and pulled the plunger to divert the water to the showerhead before turning around.

"I never hated you." Justin kneeled before Nate. "I felt anger towards you. Trying to figure out what happened. When I figured it out, I let my anger get the better of me.” He looked down at the floor. “I let my anger get the better of me. I should… I…” He placed his head on Nate's knee. “Please forgive me. I know I truly don’t deserve it. I came around too late.” He looked up at Nate's face, and felt the emotions fill the void and the anger that he had, and was replaced with those feelings of old. Love. “I felt bad after I said what I said. I even have the shiner to prove my sorrow." Justin rubbed his eye. 

Nate looked up and noticed the black eye that had gotten larger. Nate snapped out of his depression and put his hands on Justin's face, probing the area around the eye. 

"What happened?" Nate said, looking at the eye. The old remnants of being protective rising to the surface.

"Matt and I had a bit of a… disagreement." Justin laughed, reaching up to grab Nate's hands. "He made me see the errors of my ways. He, of course, also has a battle wound that is square on his jaw." He grinned.

Nate looked directly into Justin's eyes.

"I see it." Justin said as he moved his arms around Justin and pulled him closer. "Lori was right."

Nate grinned and kissed Justin on the lips gently. Justin groaned as he felt the energy of the kiss pass through his body. The feeling he had when Nate kissed him the first time many years ago, washed over him. Justin reached his hands up and grasped Nate's head and kissed him back harder. They stayed that way for several moments before Justin pulled away. He looked deep into Nate's eyes.

"Should we be doing this?" Justin whispered, afraid of the answer.

"Justin," Nate said, pulling back as well, "I love you. I never stopped loving you. That is why I wanted to see you again. Before I was going to get married.” He was rubbing the side of Justins face with his thumbs. “It was a mistake to do what I did to you. You deserved to be angry with me. And I deserved every bit of it.” He kissed Justin gently again. “But I do not think our lives will ever go back to the way it was."

Justin laid his head against Nate's chest. The sound of his heart was like a familiar song that one never forgets, no matter how long ago it was. He closed his eyes. He knew this was true. Things would never go back to the way they were. They would never be together again, but he also did not want to break away. Nate stroked Justin's hair. 

"Well the water should be hot by now." Nate said, pulling Justin up a bit. "What say we give it one last go?" He started to pull Justin's shirt off. 

***

Justin lay next to Nate, both of them naked. Nate had fallen asleep, the emotion of the day catching up to him. Justin looked over at the clock on the wall and noticed it was almost 6:00. He needed to get home prior to Matt leaving so he could tell him what took place. He glanced over at Nate. He was breathing softly, and Justin wished he could sit and watch. He knew the moment was fleeting, but also felt as happy as he did 15 years ago.  The weight of the years passing away.

He rolled out of the bed and looked around for his clothes. They had the foresight of bringing them into the bedroom when they were done taking their shower so as to have them available. Justin quietly moved around the room and pulled his clothes on. 

He turned towards the bed and watched Nate sleep. Justin felt a tear form in his eye, but he pushed it back. He knew this was a fleeting moment, but he knew it was for the best. The closure he truly needed: to know Nate still loved him, and for Nate to know he loved him as well. 

As he was about to leave, he saw the card sitting on the nightstand where he had placed it before getting Nate to the shower. He reached for it and opened it up, looking at the song one last time. It was a song he used to remind himself of the time when he and Nate were together. That time was no more. 

He took the card and ripped it in half, so he could keep the script that Nate wrote about always loving him. He grabbed a pen off the desk and wrote his own inscription on the top half he had ripped: "I will always love you, and always be here for you. When you want to finish the song, look me up. Love Justin."

He slid the card onto the pillow he had been sleeping on. He then leaned across the bed and kissed Nate's forehead. 

"I am glad we forgive each other." He whispered and silently went out the door.

***