Warning! This is a tale about men loving men. If you find this disturbing - click off. If it's unlawful for you to read this - click off. If you under age - good luck if you can get away with it.
This is not a story for getting your rocks off. Just thought I'd let you know, so you won't waste your time if that's what your looking for. Otherwise, I hope you enjoy my writing.
I appreciate feedback and do my best to respond to it all. I may be contacted at: J S.Collection@Verizon.Net
A note of thanks to Ben for his technical advise on the following chapters. Your help, Ben, makes it so much more real. JWS
I rode back to my apartment, my anger had depleted, depression and despondency crushed my chest. I stumbled into the bedroom and curled up into a ball in the middle of the bed and stared into oblivion until I finally slept.
Sometime later, the idiotic tune Charley had put on my cell phone awakened me. I picked it up and looked at it. Charley's name flashed on the little screen. I remembered how I had responded to Jim last night and it disgusted me. Enraged, at myself, I threw the phone against the wall. It stopped playing that insipid tune. There was no way I could talk to him anymore. I curled back up with a pillow over my head and slipped back into a fitful slumber. I just felt so tired. Sleep, that was the only thing I wanted.
I don't know how long I slept. I awaken enough once to drag myself into the bathroom to relieve myself. I woke up again to someone banging on my door and calling my name. Pulling the pillow back over my head I ignored it, and slept again.
And then my mother was scolding me for wetting the bed. "I'm sorry mommy I didn't mean to," I cried, certain that I was going to get a spanking. Instead she ran her fingers though my hair and kissed me on the forehead. "It doesn't matter," she said, "Soon it won't matter at all. Go back to sleep, little man." I faded back into blissful dreamless sleep.
I was aware of someone in the room. They rolled me onto my back. I heard talking, but couldn't decipher what was being said. It didn't matter. I sighed and sought more soporific sleep.
Jim was coming toward me. He had grown. Now he was twice my size. He held his huge hard dripping cock as if it were a dagger, a monstrous blunt dagger that he was going to impale me with. I tried to crawl away, but hands held me down. I looked to see who. And there was Charley, his father Chess looking on, his two brothers Tom and Robert held me fast. And holding my head by my hair so I couldn't turn away was Gloria. She was screeching at me. "I told you that you were no good. I knew you end up hurting, my baby. You are worthless Jake. You can't even take it like a man. You deserved what you got."
I screamed in protest as Jim rammed his monster cock up my butt. They all laughed at me as the pain turned to exquisite pleasure and I begged for more.
Charley and his family disappeared leaving Jim and his dripping pole. He wiped it across my face. "You're disgusting Jake. You're not even worth a fuck. No wonder Charley doesn't want you." He laughed and walked away. And I could only lie there and cry while his laughter echoed on and on.
Black oblivion and silence settled over me. I sighed with relief. It was finally over.
A sweet light fluting entices me to search for its source. I rise and look around me. There's a naked Man lit by a bright light on the horizon. He's as beautiful as Charley. He's beckoning me with open arms. I can feel myself gliding toward Him. And then from behind me I hear Charley calling me. I look back toward his voice, I can't see him. I know I don't deserve to see him. I turn back toward the welcoming Man. He has dropped his arms and the light is fading. I try to move toward Him. He shakes his head and points behind me. I turn and look back toward Charley's voice. I know I've lost the right to see him, I turn away. The light is gone. The man is disappearing into the darkness. I can't go to him nor can I go to Charley. I collapse, desolated, abandoned. The earth opens under me and I fall screaming into the abyss. Wait. Someone has taken my hand and is pulling me up. It is a man's hand. A big man's hand. He's pulling me up out of the dark hole. I know that if he let's go I will fall, and I will continue falling forever into blackness. I hold on tight, begging him to not let go. Charley's voice assures me he won't let go.
"Jake, are you awake?" I froze inside. I realized that I had been dreaming and now I was back in real life. My hand was still being held. I turned my face away from the voice. "Jake, I know you're awake. Look at me."
I wanted to scream in protest, "I can't. I can't ever look at you again." But the only sound I made was a squawking sob. My tongue, wrapped in dry cotton, filled my mouth.
I felt his hands on each side of my face. He turned my head toward him. "I love you, Jake."
I opened my eyes and looked into Charley's and fell apart.
"Oh God, No. Go away Charley. Don't look at me. I am disgusting. I don't deserve your love." I knew he couldn't understand my words, but surely he understood my anguish. I wanted to roll into a fetal ball. I couldn't move. 'Oh God I'm paralyzed again. They've used Jim's pills on me. I'm paralyzed again. But why would Charley let them do that?' I closed my eyes willing myself back into that wonderful dreamless sleep. It didn't work. I could feel Charley caressing my face, kissing my forehead and cheeks. Tears welled out of my eyes.
Charley was speaking to me. I stopped the panicky thoughts and listened.
"It's okay, Jake. I'm here. I won't let anyone hurt you again. I love you, Jake. Please don't go away again. Stay with me. I need you, Jake." I turned my head away from him. With a hand on each side of my face, he turned it back where I had to look at him. "Jake, listen to me. It doesn't matter what Jim did. I love you. Do you hear me, Jake? I love you."
My breathing slowed. I opened my eyes and gazed at him through blurry tears. He is so beautiful. He loves me? I am so ashamed. How can he love me? Jim was right. I'm a cock whore. Once he started fucking me, I wanted more and I wanted it harder. How could anyone forgive me for that. I had wanted it. I had needed it. I had gotten it. And I know I'll continue wanting and needing it. How can he forgive me for that?'
I closed my eyes. "Please, go away." I tried to whispered. I don't know if he could understand me. My throat was dry, my tongue was sticking to the roof of my mouth. "I'm so ashamed. Just go." I mumbled and turned my head away. I knew he couldn't understand my muttering.
He turned my head back and slipped an ice sliver between my lips and leaned forward to kiss me. I turned my head away. He kissed my cheek.
"I'm not going anywhere. I'm here to stay. You need help, Jake. I'm here to help you." He rubbed another sliver of ice over my parched lips. They felt dry and cracked. It felt so good. I opened my mouth and he slipped the ice in. I sucked on it greedy for the moisture.
"No." I croaked.
"Jake, listen to me. I know what happened. You had nothing to do with it. I love you."
"You can't love me. I'm not worth loving." I whimpered. And then rage at being unable to move filled me. "Why can't I move?" I yelled. "I know I'm not drugged, I can move my head and fingers. I'm not slurring. Why can't I move? God I've got to pee so bad."
"You're being restrained, Jake. You've been having some violent nightmares. I'll get the doctor," he said and left the room.
I sighed with relief. Maybe he wouldn't come back. God, I was so exhausted. I closed my eyes and tried to find the relief of blissful sleep again.
The doctor came in. He was an older man. At least he didn't act cheerful. He brushed the hair away from my forehead. "How are you feeling, Jake?" He looked concerned. Without asking he slipped more ice into my mouth.
"Water, Doc. I'm so thirsty."
He held a straw to my lips and I sucked greedily.
"Not too much at first." he said pulling the straw away. I felt like I could drink a gallon and still be thirsty.
"I'm so tired. I just want to go back to sleep. Please just give me something to put me to sleep, Doc."
"You've had enough sleep for a while, young man. It's time to wake up and start living again."
I just groaned in answer. Didn't anyone understand?
"I need to pee so badly it burns, Doc."
"That feelings from the catheter that was inserted into your bladder, He said while he a bag hanging below my bed side. "Now that you're awake, and as soon as you can start moving a bit on your own I'll have it removed." He continued checking the monitors while I noticed I had and IV stuck in my arm and wires stuck to my chest. I glanced at the monitor it didn't beep like on TV, it just gave off a glaring greenish light.
"Charley tells me you don't want him in here with you."
"He makes me feel so guilty, Doc."
"I'll ask him to stay out until you're ready to see him again."
"Never, Doc. I threw away my chance with him."
"No such thing as never, Jake. There's always another chance. But I'll keep him out until you ask for him." He removed the straps that held me immobile."How's that?"
"Thanks, Doc." As soon as my arms were free I tried to lift the one that didn't have the IV stuck in it. It took some effort to lift it off the bed. "God, I'm so tired, I can't even lift my arm."
"Jake, you haven't eaten in eight days. You're malnourished and still dehydrated. You probably haven't consciously moved a muscle in at least five days. It's going to take some work on your part to get back into shape." He held a straw to my lips. "Here, drink some of this, it's full of electrolytes and other little nourishing things."
I drank until he pulled the straw away again.
"That's ridiculous, Doc. I just laid down yesterday afternoon to take a nap. I'm in great shape. I'm just tired."
"Apparently your friend, Jim Provost, was the last person to see you, and that was eight days ago. You've been here for almost three days. You're holding the water and Gatoraide are you ready for something in your stomach?"
"I'm not hungry."
"Well, if you'll just drink some broth and force down some Jell-O it'll make me happy. Another doctor will be coming in to talk with you. I think he can bring you around to looking at the brighter side of life."
"A head shrinker."
"I don't think he'd appreciate being called that, but yes, Jake, he's a Psychiatrist."
"Why is he coming to see me?"
"It's SOP when someone attempts to do away with himself."
"You're thinking I tried to kill myself, Doc?"
He raised his eyebrows and looked at me. "Didn't you?"
I shook my head and closed my eyes.
"I'll leave you alone now. The food will be here in a bit."
I didn't respond. I didn't go back to sleep.
When the tray of Jell-O and broth came I had to be fed. I downed it without protest. I was too weak to lift my arm to my face much less lift a spoon. The nurse made small talk while she fed me. I didn't respond, but I didn't offer any resistance either. When she left I stared at the ceiling for a few hours, I didn't have enough energy to get emotional. I was too weak to turn on my side to stare out the window. I thought about sleeping, but I couldn't slow my mind down enough to doze off. The future looked bleak. I thought about what I'd do as soon as I got out of the hospital. Maybe I'd head for the West Coast. I'd liked what little I'd seen of San Francisco. I could lose myself in the multitudes of a big city.
When the psychiatrist arrived I felt self conscious. I hadn't shaved since the morning before Jim did his deed. I wear my hair really short, parted on the left side. I figured it must be looking matted and in need of cutting. My teeth felt scummy.
"Hello, Jake, I'm Allen Chestnut. I am your Shrink." I guess he'd talked to my doctor. "I feel like I know you. You have some very staunch friends."
"Who are you talking about?" I asked.
He raised his eyebrows as if to say, "You don't know who your friends are?" and then he started naming them off. "Charley Hill, Jason Warren, Pete Peterson and Jim Provost...."
I interrupted him with a derisive ,"Jim Provost, yeah, right."
He ignored my comment. "and Dave Gates."
"Sure, he admires your work. He's the one that pulled the strings to get them to let Charley in to be with you. Oh, by the way, Charley asked me to give you this." He pulled a new cell phone out of his jacket pocket and handed it to me. "His cell is the only number in the quick dial."
He laid the phone in my hand. When he saw that I couldn't lift it, he took my hand with the phone and laid it on my chest. I clutched like it was a life line.
"The next thing you need to know, Jake, is that I have had extensive conversations with Charley, and with Jim. They are both worried about you. They have held nothing back. So, I suppose that all that is left to do is sort out how you feel about everything that has transpired."
"Jim told you what he did to me, huh?"
"Yes, he told me he got you drunk and raped you."
It didn't register that he had said drunk, not drugged.
"And if I hear you right, you're saying he is my friend?"
"It was Jim Provost who found you and called for help. It was also Jim that contacted your buddy Charley. Jim confessed to him that he had his way with you. He's very contrite about it."
I laughed. It sounded slightly hysterical in my ears. I wondered if it sounded the same to the doctor. "The son of a bitch should be." I said. "He nearly lost his testicles. Did he tell you what I did to him?"
"Yes." He grinned. "Yes, he told me. I think that was quite brilliant. It sure taught him a lesson."
"I was planning on leaving him tied up. I really wanted to cut his balls off. But I couldn't." I paused thinking about how close I'd come to mutilating him. "So I let him get loose."
Allen sat with his hands in his lap and looked at me, not saying anything for several moments.
"I guess this is where the TV thing comes in to play, huh?" I asked.
"Not exactly, if you're thinking I'm just sitting here, waiting for you to start talking. That's a waste of our time. Tell me about meeting Charley."
I stared at him, blankly. "Just like that?"
"Sure, I already know Charley's side of the story. It's quite Cinderella with a lot of real life drama thrown in, don't you think so?"
"I never thought of myself as Cinderella, but yeah, Charley is definitely Prince Charming. He swept me off my feet."
He laughed, "Charley said the same thing in reverse, he thinks you are his Prince Charming. So tell me about it and how you felt."
I closed my eyes and clutched the phone to my chest. I felt the need to talk. It came out hesitantly, at first, but after a bit it just flowed out. It felt good to tell someone about my whole experience with Charley. I must have talked for over an hour. He kept giving me sips of water. When I got to our last night together I faltered.
"Jake, remember, everything you tell me is held in complete confidentiality. And remember too, I am a sexual being. I also have the same needs and desires as every other Gay man. There is nothing you can tell that will be embarrassing. Okay?"
I assumed that Charley had told him about that last night before I left on tour, and I had already told him about what Charley and I did in bed and how much I loved the touch and feel of his beautiful body, but I couldn't tell him how much I wanted to be fucked. I kept skirting the issue until he suddenly blurted out, "You wanted Charley to fuck you, didn't you?"
I could feel the blood rush into my skin and nodded. I was ashamed and at the same time relieved that it was out in the open, it was hard enough to admit it to myself. I lay there, propped up with pillows too weak to get away. I could only weep and shake my head. I couldn't tell him.
"Jake, there is nothing wrong with that. Big macho guys like you have every right to like taking it up the rear as anyone else."
"He didn't want to. I guess he thought I'd compare him to Jim. Maybe he was afraid that he wouldn't be as good. I've only thought that recently. Back then, I just felt unworthy, used, second-hand. Whatever the reason, it sure fucked up the rest of the evening." I closed my eyes and relaxed.
"You feel like talking some more or do you need to rest?"
"Doc, I've had enough sleep for long while. I'm exhausted, but I don't want to stop."
"Alright, Jake, call me Allen. Do you feel up to talking about your past relationship with Jim? Before you met Charley."
"Yeah, I guess so."
"Before you begin, maybe you could fill me in on yourself. Like when did you figure out you were gay, et cetera."
I stared at the ceiling while I got my thoughts in order.
"First off, Doc, I mean, Allen, could you help me roll onto my side?" He rolled me over, stuck a pillow up against my back and laid my arm with the IV on top of my side. He raised my head and adjusted the pillow so my head was level."Thanks, that feels so much better." He sat back down and waited for me to start talking. It took me a few moments
"It had never dawned on me that I was different from other guys until I was out of the service and into my second year of college. Growing up on an isolated farm, going to a small community school there hadn't been any girls I was interested in or for that matter there weren't any boys either. I expected to eventually to meet a girl fall in love, get married and have a mess of kids.
"Since the internet was formed I've read a lot of stories on a site named Nifty. If one is to believe them, all kids from around age eight are horny little sex machines. If it's true then I must be a odd ball. Oh, I figured out how to jack off I just never thought of doing it with someone else.
"When I graduated from high school I wanted to get away from the farm and see some of the world, so I joined the Army, found myself being trained to be a medic and ended up in the Mideast during Desert Storm.
My mother died while I was in the Mideast so my tour of duty was cut short. I think my dad had something to do with me not finishing my tour. The only child thing. Anyway went to the funeral and then back to a base stateside to be ----."
"You didn't have a good relationship with your father?"
"I had no relationship with my father. I might as well have been one of the farm animals Something that needed to be taken care of. Hell, he loved his horses more than me."
Allen pursed his lips and made no comment so I went on. "When I was released from the Army I found myself at loose ends. I had discovered during highschool that I enjoyed writing. I kept a daily journal from my sophomore year on. I decided that since I could get aid in getting a college education, I might as well go for it. Dad offered me no help and I wasn't about to ask for it.
"My second year in college I started turning my journal entries from my high school days into a book. My English professor helped me get it published just before I graduated. It had a moderate success. I made enough money off of it that I could continue writing full time after I graduated if I lived modestly. But then my dad died leaving me the farm. It was a successful horse farm and I sold it for a good amount. So then money was no problem.
"It was my English Professor that awakened me to the fact that I am gay. Day after day, working closely with him to get my novel shaped up, I realized that I was fantasizing about being with him. He was married and quite straight. He was several years older than me and more worldly, also very liberal minded where it came to other's sexual orientation. He recognized the conflict going on within me, and we had several discussions about it. It was soon after I graduated that Jim entered my life. I met him in the grocery store.
"At first Jim was gentle and caring. I translated this as love and figured I was in love with him. Naive of me, but true. He introduced me to sex. He wasn't into what he called feminine sex, that included things like kissing, caressing and other such tender things. He was more wham, bam, thank you, man. Now get the hell out of here until I'm horny again. But I was infatuated with him and thought I was in love with him. I tried unsuccessfully to get him to admit that he loved me. After my second rejection I just got on my motorcycle and headed for wherever I might end up. And that was Kirksville, where Charley's from."
"When was your first rejection?"
"On the anniversary of our sixth month together."
"But you stayed in a relationship with him for around two years. Can you tell me why?"
"I could tell you that I was in love with him. I think at the time I had myself convinced that I was. I don't think so now. What I felt for Jim was nothing compare to what I felt for Charley."
"You don't feel the same for Charley now?"
"Of course I do. I'll always love him. But he's out of my reach now." I said with vehemence while glaring at him.
Allen regarded me for a moment. "That is so much bullshit. And you know that it is." His voice was little more than a whisper.
I closed my eyes and lay back. He wasn't going to let me dwell on it though. "Lets' go back to Jim. Why did you spend two years in a relationship with him?"
"He gave me what I needed." I said, staring at the ceiling. My voice sounded flat. Allen looked at me waiting for me to go on. I raised my head and yelled at him, "It's been hard admitting the truth to myself and you want me to admit it out loud to you?" He just raised an eyebrow. I dropped my head back on the pillow, exhausted and out of breath. I closed my eyes counted, 'One one million, two one million, three one million.' When I got to eight I gave up. "Alright, I'll tell you." I snapped at him with my eyes still closed. I took a deep breath and spewed out the words on at a time. "I---liked--- getting--- fucked--- by--- Jim."
Allen still didn't say anything.
"I not only liked it, I needed it. I needed to feel Jim's cock massaging my prostate. At least once a day if not three times."
Allen was quiet. I lay there waiting for a response that didn't come. I opened an eye and looked at him. He smiled at me. "You did good, Jake. I think you should rest now." He stood and patted my arm and headed for the door. "I'll be back tomorrow after your therapy. We'll talk some more."
I sighed. When he got to the door I stopped him. "Allen." He turned and looked back at me. "Thanks. It was a relief to finally tell someone. I tried so many times to tell Charley. But I just couldn't."
He nodded and smiled. "The time will come, Jake."
When he started to turn away I called to him again. He turned and looked back at me. "I didn't try to kill myself, Allen. I just lay down for a nap. I don't know why I didn't wake up."
Allen studied me for several seconds and then nodded. "We'll talk about this tomorrow. Get some rest, Jake."
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