Warning! This is a tale about men loving men. If you find this disturbing - click off. If it's unlawful for you to read this - click off. If you under age - good luck if you can get away with it.
This is not a story for getting your rocks off. Just thought I'd let you know, so you won't waste your time if that's what your looking for. Otherwise, I hope you enjoy my writing.
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Chapter 23 A Session with Allen
I must have drifted off to sleep. I awoke with Allen squeezing my arm and calling my name. I said "hi" and raised the bed so I could sit.
"You wanted to see me, Jake?"
"Can you give me the time now to talk, Allen?"
"If you feel the need to do it now, sure."
"Just let me call home."
He took out his cell and dialed. I listen to him talk to his partner, Greg. I smiled when he ended with "I love you, Babe."
He caught my smile and grinned. "He's the best," he said. "Now let's get to what's bugging you."
I studied him a moment. Actually my mind was not on what I was seeing, but on what I was feeling.
"Allen, I'm not the type of person to just lay down and give up. I'm stronger than that. So why did I do it?"
Allen studied me. "Let's go back to when you woke up the morning after. Start from the beginning and tell me everything you did and how you felt."
I closed my eyes and started talking. Allen kept asking at every turn how I felt at that moment. I went from feeling groggy and lethargic when I woke up, to disgust to when I realized that I was covered in dried cum with a used condom stuck to my chest, to raging anger when I remembered the night before.
"Let's stop here a moment, Jake, and analyze why you were so angry."
"I'd just been raped, Doc." I couldn't keep the pedantic tone out of my voice.
"On previous occasions you'd let Jim tie you to the bed and do the same thing he did that night. Other than using a drug to subdue you what was different?"
"He did it despite my protests."
"Any other thing you can think of that was different?"
I reviewed the entire event and shook my head. "No....yes. Jim has always taken me from the rear. He didn't like the
intimacy of doing it face to face. I think he also felt that it was a way to humiliate me."
"Why do you think that?"
"Jim was never very talkative during sex. That night he continually called me demeaning names, telling me that my ass was his. I told him that my ass now belonged to Charley. He said to hell with Charley, no one could give me what I need like he could."
"How did you feel about that? Can Charley fill your need as well as Jim did?"
The rage was back. "How the fuck should I know. Charley wouldn't fuck me." I yelled at him. He sat there stoic as ever. "Besides aren't you getting a little too personal?"
"Jake, this whole thing is personal. I am not trying to violate your privacy. But, you've got to face these things if you're going to get past them."
"Sorry, Doc. I know that. It's just so damned frustrating."
"Have you discussed this with Charley?"
Allen waited for me to say more.
"Alright. You already know. I have this need, this craving to get a cock up my ass, get my prostate massaged."
"And what is wrong with that?"
"It's not masculine."
"Are you saying it makes you feel less of a man?"
"We all get pleasure from getting our prostates massaged with a big dick. It gives our partners pleasure to do it. Did you fuck Jim? Did he enjoy it?"
"Yes, not as often as he did me. Yes, he could get off without touching his cock when I fucked him."
"Could you do that?"
"Nearly every time."
"So what is there about it that makes you feel less of a man?"
"I guess the surrender."
"It takes trust to surrender your masculinity to another man. You trusted Jim."
"And he violated that trust." I growled.
Allen raised his eyebrows and waited to hear more.
"I told him I was with Charley now and he went ahead and fucked me."
Allen didn't respond.
"I enjoyed it. I gave in to the feelings and really got off on it. I came without him touching my cock. He was right. All those names he called me were right on. I am a cock slut."
I don't think I had shed a tear up until then. Tears were flowing freely down my face. Tears of utter shame. Allen eventually broke the silence that had fallen with my last claim.
"How many cocks have you had in your life time, Jake?"
"Only Jim's. Charley hasn't let me have his." I fucking sobbed like a little girl.
"One cock and you are a slut? I don't think so. Even two or three, no. Four or more, maybe. You've got a long ways to go to being a slut, Jake."
I jabbed the tears out of my eyes and looked at him.
"You are not a slut by any standard," he said. "You want to know something, Jake? I have been around a lot of Gay men. Being gay myself and curious about Gay sexual practices, I have experienced about all there is in male sexuality. You are an anomaly. Most gay men go through a period of whoring, experimenting with many partners before settling down with just one. Even I went through doing that. I've never before met a fellow that had had only two partners. There is nothing feminine about you. In Gay lingo there are guys that are bottoms only, they like to get fucked and don't want to fuck. There are tops that like to fuck, but won't allow another man to fuck them. And then there's guys like you and me, who like it both ways. Some bottoms are the most macho men you'll ever meet and some tops are...... rather effeminate .
"Personally, I think that we are the ones that are well rounded. And once you get over your little hangup of it being feminine to let another man enter you, you will be okay."
We studied each other, Allen seeking my understanding of what he was saying and me looking to see if he was telling the truth. I mean, I know he was, I'd heard and read all that before, but I guess it was just beginning to seep in to my reality.
"How long have you known Charley?" he asked.
"A little over four months."
"And he'd been leading a straight life until then?"
"So having anal sex with another man was probably a new concept to him. Have you discussed anal sex with him?"
"A little," I replied. And then went on to explain the extent of it.
"So you've not really had a chance to experience it with each other, huh?"
"No, Doc, we haven't."
"Well, I think you'll be out of here in a couple of days. And then you two will have the time. And a lot of your problems will probably vanish when you do."
"You're probably right, Doc."
"Jake, I need to be getting home. My man is holding dinner for me. So I'll see you in the morning at eleven. Okay?"
"Sure, thanks for your time, Allen. Enjoy."
He left and I lie thinking over what we had discussed. I felt better, even though the subject had veered from what I had wanted to talk about. I let my imagination roam free, imagining Charley with his legs in the air, offering me his ass. I definitely didn't see anything feminine about Charley. He was totally man. I then imagined myself doing the same, lifting my legs to allow Charley access to my ass. I didn't feel unmanly. I compared the image to how I felt when I let Jim fuck me. Ah! There lay the problem. I'd never realized how Jim's attitude affected me. The way we copulated did make me feel emasculated. With that realization I felt so much better about myself.
I went back to daydreaming about Charley and me. It actually made me horny. I wondered if I could jack off without someone interrupting me. I decided not to chance it, but I did feel good about eventually getting Charley back into bed.
The evening passed without any word from him and I had no other visitors. I had no intention of having a sleepless night
wondering what was going on with Charley. I asked for another sleeping pill.
Chapter 24 On my own
I was again awake before dawn. I needed to relieve my bladder. The jug was sitting within reach on the cabinet beside my bed. I decided to try walking to the bathroom instead. I found it easy enough to sit up and slide my feet off the side of the bed, so I slid on down to the floor. I felt a little wobbly, but not like I was going to collapse, so I headed toward the bathroom counting my steps as I went. It was fourteen steps to the bathroom door. I collapsed into a chair beside the door and rested until the quivering left my muscles and then counted eight more to the bowl. I sat down to pee.
After flushing I rested for several minutes more until I felt I could at least get back to the chair. That wasn't too bad. I looked at the bed and felt that it was so far away. I mentally cajoled myself. It was only fourteen steps. I got to the end of the bed and fell forward onto it with my legs dangling off of it. Laying there exhausted I wondered how I was going to get the rest of the way. I didn't have the energy to crawl up on to it. 'Maybe I'll just lie here until someone comes in and helps me,' I thought.
After lying face down like that for several minutes I decided to make a supreme effort to get up and move around to the side where I could maybe lay back onto the bed and then move my legs up.
I succeeded in getting there and figured that if I collapsed backwards on to the bed then it would only be a matter of swinging my legs up and rolling into place. It didn't work; the bed was too high. I lay backwards and slid into a heap on the floor. Feeling like a fool, I lay there and fumed for several minutes while considering my options.
I crawled to the chair at the head of the bed and used it to get back to my feet. I looked at the bed and wondered why it was so damned high off the floor. I am tall, yet my butt did not reach the edge of the bed. I decided that I would sit down in the chair and ring for help.
When a nurse came in, before she could start reprimanding me for being out of bed, I asked why the bed was so high. She actually blushed. "I apologize, Sir. Someone should have lowered it once you were up and around. It is easier to care for a patient when the bed is high." She took the control I had used to raise the head of the bed for sitting and lowered the whole thing.
I stood and sat on the edge of the bed, but before I could attempt bringing my feet up and turn to lay lengthwise, she was right there doing it all for me. After getting my pillow fluffed and the covers pulled up and smoothed she smiled and said, "Next time ring for help. I wouldn't mind having my game of Solitaire interrupted. Is there anything else I could do for you?"
"Would it be out of line to request a cup of coffee?" I asked.
"Not at all." She smiled at me. "I just made a fresh pot about twenty minutes ago. Let me get you a cup."
I sipped a cup of steaming coffee and watched the clouds turn pink, satisfied that I had accomplished something this morning and that left me feeling optimistic.
My breakfast of scrambled eggs and toast, orange juice, a glass of milk and more coffee made me feel even better.
The breakfast tray had just been taken away when Charley appeared, still wearing the same clothes he had on yesterday, and looking like he hadn't slept at all last night and maybe had a little too much to drink. He stood in the doorway and just looked at me. I couldn't figure his expression, he looked like his mother had just died. I remembered he said he was having dinner with Dave's bodyguard. My heart sunk.
Charley's mouth worked several times before he got out, "I'm sorry, Jake." He turned and started out the door.
Something snapped in me. 'All this time I've been feeling guilty over something I'd had no control over. And he comes in, says he's sorry and turns away. No way.' I bellowed, "Charley get back in here. Now."
"He turned and looked at me. The surprise on his face egged me on. "Get your ass over here and sit down." He hesitated. "Do it." He meekly moved to the chair and sat, wide-eyed. It must have been his Marine training to obey orders.
I started talking. "Everybody's been making me feel guilty that I was pushing you away. I'm having difficultly believing you would want me after what happened. I really figured that I had lost you because of Jim." I studied him a moment. He stared at his hands in his lap and didn't reply. "I'm still not sure that I haven't," I said. He looked up at with a pained expression, but still didn't say anything. "So how was your dinner with whatever his name is?" I asked.
"I cancelled the date. I didn't have dinner with him." He must have noticed the relief in my expression. "You're not thinking I did anything with him, are you?" I know I looked guilty. "Jake I would never do anything like that."
"Yesterday, one minute you were telling me you loved me and then the next you left without any explanation, and then come back in here this morning and mutter that you're sorry. Which am I to believe, your words or your actions? What do you mean by sticking your head through the door looking like you'd done something wrong, telling me you're sorry and then trying to leave." I worked myself into a righteous anger. "Dammit, if you want to end it with me, be man enough to say it's over, and let me get on with having to deal with it." I shouted at him. He winced.
He had leaned forward with his hands covering his face. I knew he was going to say that we were finished. I felt a hate so strong toward Jim at that moment I could have killed him with my bare hands. I dreaded hearing the words that would end this....um ....this wonderful thing that I'd found with Charley.
Charley straightened up and looked me in the eyes. "I need your forgiveness, Jake. I really messed up yesterday." He paused and looked down for a bit and then back up at me. I guess saying that I was confused would be an understatement. He'd said that he didn't do anything with that guard and now he was asking my forgiveness.
"When you showed me that bank book,"Charley continued, "I felt like there was no need for me in your life. You could have anything or any one money could buy. I left here feeling useless and unneeded," he said.
I started to object. He held up his hands. "No, let me finish. I went into a bar last night with the sole purpose of getting drunk. I ended up talking to a man until the bar closed. He listened to my story and asked questions that made me think.
When the bar closed I headed back to Pete and Jason's, but the thought of that big bed without you in it with me kept me
from going inside. I sat on the porch until sunrise and then wandered until I found an all night coffee shop and waited for
visiting hours to come see you."
I took my time smoothing the sheet and lightweight blanket over my legs. "So this total stranger knows everything. He knows just how you feel about it all, how you feel about me." I looked up at him. He nodded and found something on the edge of my bed to hold his interest. "Okay," I sighed. "I guess that's something I'll have to live with. I guess I'm not worth the effort it would take to tell it all to me."
"Oh, stop it." He barked at me. Jumping up and striding across the room, he turned and looked back at me. He measured his words. "You know I love you more than life itself. But thanks to Dave Gates you don't need me any more. You can have anyone you want with all that money."
"I don't need you any more? How did you come to that conclusion. And how do I know you love me? You're ready to abandon me because of a sum of money?"
He rushed across the room and fell to his knees next to my bed. Both of his hands held my arm in supplication. "No, Jake, I would never do that. Don't doubt me. I quit the police force in Kirksville and moved here for you. Don't those actions show that you can believe in me? I'm feeling as insecure as you. Can't you give me some slack? I want to understand what you are going through. I want us to get past it and be happy together. We had everything going for us. Please, Jake."
I pulled on his arm. "Get up here and give me a hug. We still have everything going for us." He sat on the edge of the bed and wrapped his arms around me. I chuckled. "Charley, I may be weak right now, but I'm not fragile. Hug me like you mean it." He tightened his hold and I quit breathing. "That's more like it," I wheezed. He laughed and planted a big juicy kiss on my mouth. I kissed him back and dueled with his tongue until someone at the door cleared their throat. We both looked to see who had interrupted us.
Gene stood there blushing. "Sorry guys, I did knock."
"Can't you come back some other time?" Charley asked. scowling over his shoulder at him.
Gene grinned at him. "Nope. We've got to get this man strong enough to get out of here." He grinned and added, "It doesn't look like soon will be soon enough."
Charley stood and moved away from the bed. "Can I stay? Maybe I can help." he asked.
"Sure you may watch. But there's nothing you can do to help." Charley grimaced at having his grammar corrected. "Jake has got to do it all on his own." Gene walked up to the bedside and extended a hand. "Come on big fellow. Let's make those muscles work."
"Why so chipper today, Gene?" I asked. I ignored his offered hand and sat up, then swung around and stood.
"Hey, you're doing good," he said, handing me a robe. "Ed smiled. I mean he really looked happy this morning."
"Ed?" I asked moving to sit in the wheel chair.
"Oh, I guess I never mentioned his name. My uncle. Ed."
"Ah, so what did he smile about?"
Gene leaned down and whispered, "He woke up with a woody."
Charley cleared his throat. "If you two are going to be telling secrets I should clear out."
"No, please stay. I apologize. My name is Gene, by the way." He offered his hand to Charley.
"Charley Hill." He accepted Gene's hand and they shook.
"My fault, I should have introduced you."
"You're the police officer that all the nurses are swooning over, huh?"
Charley blushed. "I'm not a cop any more."
"He's a private cop now," I said. Gene looked properly impressed.
"Well, lets get down to the PT room," he said, taking the handles on the back of the wheelchair
"Let me see how far I get before I poop out," I said, and rolled myself out of the room ahead of them.
I listened to Gene filling Charley in on why his uncle had smiled this morning. I thought to myself that he had a lot of courage to be able to tell others about his experience. When I began to tire, Gene started pushing.
Once we got into my routine Charley got into helping by heckling and cajoling me to do more. I just grinned and tried a little harder. By the time I was finished I felt like I was....finished. I didn't think I would be able to move another muscle, but after the whirlpool I didn't feel so bad, especially with Charley making lewd and lascivious remarks while I was naked. Gene just grinned and watched. It was so good having him there acting like nothing had happened.
As I had that thought, the world crashed around me. I felt a sudden change in my perception, like it was all a charade, that Charley didn't really mean what he had been saying, that I'd wake up any moment and find him running from me in disgust.
"Why are you talking like that?" I snapped at him. "You know you don't mean it. I'm just a worthless good for nothing. I know you're just going to leave me once I get out of this place."
Charley looked like I had physically hit him. I started weeping, which made me angry. I just don't cry. Gene started talking to me, reassuring me that Charley had no intention of leaving me, that it was just the emotional trauma coming out.
Charley might have left if Gene hadn't been there to explain to him what was going on in my head. As it was, he cuddled me once I was back in bed and he kept telling me things were going to be okay and that he loved me. After a while the shroud began to lift and I remembered all the progressive decisions I'd made.
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