Warning! This is a tale about men loving men. If you find this disturbing - click off. If it's unlawful for you to read this - click off. If you under age - good luck if you can get away with it.
This is not a story for getting your rocks off. Just thought I'd let you know, so you won't waste your time if that's what your looking for. Otherwise, I hope you enjoy my writing.
I appreciate feedback and do my best to respond to it all. I may be contacted at: J S.Collection@Verizon.Net
Again, Thanks, Dave. The end of this story is so much better because of you. JWS
By the time that Allen came in I was feeling like my normal self. I probably wouldn't have said anything to him about that black episode where all the negativity crashed around my head, but Charley was having nothing of it. When Allen asked me how I was doing, I answered with a bland "Fine, Doc."
"He may be fine now, Allen, but thirty minutes ago he was having a bad time," Charley said. "One moment he was happy and joking around with Gene and me, and the next he was saying some real crap and being very depressed. It was real Hyde-Jekyll". He made a monster face at me and laughed.
I couldn't help but grin."Alright, I had a black episode. I'm alright now."
Allen looked at me. "A black episode? That's a good name for it."
I shrugged. "Hey, I got over it. And I'm not a monster." I made a face at Charley. That he could joke and laugh about it made my heart soar. I think that did more for getting me over the hump than all the talking and analyzing I had done with Allen.
"Have you any idea what brought it on?" Allen asked, ignoring Charley's antics.
"Everything was fine, Charley was joking with me while I was going through the physical exercises. And then it just came over me like someone had thrown a blanket over me."
"Do you remember what you were thinking prior to the episode?"
"Sure. I was thinking how good it felt to have Charley being himself with me."
"And then your mind did a flip and started doubting everything?"
"That's a good way to describe it."
"Jake, this kind of thing is to be expected after your experience. You can probably expect a few more episodes before you get over it. I feel that you will get over it quite soon because there really wasn't a lot of trauma involved."
"If that's so why did he just lay down and go to sleep?" Charley asked.
Allen looked at me. "Can you tell us why, Jake?"
I wasn't sure I wanted to try to explain. I'd had enough Psych courses in college that I had a basic idea why. Allen's bland professional expression for some reason aggravated me. I looked at Charley. The loved I saw in his eyes overwhelmed me. God I love him. Yes, he deserved to know why I'd just stop living when I had so much to live for.
"I think that if I can express what I was feeling the next morning maybe you can understand." I was speaking to Charley.
"I'm not a promiscuous man. When I was with Jim, I was with Jim. When I met you I was with you from then on. Jim violated the sanctity of that.
"When I woke up and remembered what he had done and how I had given in to the physical needs that he was abusing, I felt dirty. I scrubbed my skin raw and still didn't feel clean. I felt like he had taken my worthiness to be your mate. I felt that you would reject me for being so easy. I mean I had ended up enjoying what Jim was doing to me. If I could have spoken I would have been begging for more. And that angers me, that I could be so weak.
"Jim knew of my weakness, of my need. He took advantage of it. That made me angry at him. Angry enough to attempt castrating him. I have never been so angry. I went clear out to Meadow Lake to purchase the gadget and rubber rings like we used on the farm for gelding horses. I was going to use his own drug on him. Let him know what it felt like to be totally helpless." I closed my eyes and shuddered. "I couldn't do it. I realized as I held that little pill that if I had told him about you and what we have going for us he wouldn't have done it. I honestly believe that he wouldn't have done it." I paused and sighed. "But still he did do it.
"After he had given me the pill he ignored my protests, he ignored my telling him I was with you now. And for that he deserved to feel the fright I instilled in him. By the time I released the rubber from the tool and let it tighten around his testicles I was coming down from the adrenalin high from the anger. I crashed.
" The feeling of no longer being worthy of your love, the feeling that you would reject me when you found out I'd had sex with Jim, the depression that those thoughts brought on, along with the plummet from the adrenalin high, pushed me over the edge. I never thought about dying or even wanting to die. I wasn't trying to kill myself. I.....just didn't care. And the sleep, it was like a narcotic. I didn't want anything else. Just the blankness of that sleep."
Charley's love-filled gaze when I finished talking wrapped around me like a soft warm blanket.
"I love you, Charley," I whispered. He smiled and then cleared his throat looking at Allen.
"I hadn't realized how deeply Jim had hurt you. It's a good thing that I talked to Jim before I heard this. I'm sure his words of regret would have fallen on deaf ears. But there is one thing you said I don't understand, you said Jim knew of your weakness, your need. What were you saying? What did you mean by your need?"
I looked at Allen for help. Allen smiled encouragement. "There's no better time than now, Jake."
I looked back at Charley. "I've wanted to tell you this from day one. There just never seemed to be the right moment, except for one time and it wasn't really right either because I had to leave you for that damned book tour the next morning."
Charley was watching me intently. I looked into his eyes begging him to understand what I had to say. I raised my eyes to the ceiling. "There's only one way to say this I guess." I took a deep breath. "I suppose you could call it an addiction. I need, I crave.... to be fucked. To get my prostate stimulated. Once is never enough. I want it again and again. The need is like an animal gnawing on my insides. I think that was why I stayed with Jim so long when there were no emotional ties. He knew my need and would give it to me anytime I needed it."
I glanced at Charley to see what his reaction was. He looked back at me with a blank stare. I had no idea what he might be thinking. I returned to staring at the ceiling. "Abstinence, I discovered, keeps it under control. Although, there is this constant little niggling in the back of my mind that never lets me forget about it. After you got out of the hospital and I was taking care of you, I was driving your pickup all the time. And when you went back to patrolling I got on my motorcycle for the first time in a couple of months, the vibration between my legs made me physically ill. If you remember, I didn't ride it again until I left to come back here. Our last night before I left on the tour I let the need get the best of me. I've spent many hours everyday since regretting that. I really messed up what could....what should have been a perfect memory. I'm sorry for that."
Charley flew to the bed. He grabbed both my hands in his. "It wasn't your fault, Jake, I failed you that night. I should have been able to give you what your needed." He let go of my hands, stood and walked to the window and stared out. "I knew what you were wanting and I was scared. I'd never done that before." He turned and looked at me. "I also lied to you. I told you I'd been with women. I never have. I'd have made a good monk. I shied away from sex, denying to myself that I was gay."
He looked at Allen. "I can see the doubt in your face. I'm a big macho guy. I could have my choice of any man or woman. I guess you'd be right. Many have tried. It wasn't that I wasn't interested. I was scared. If I had tried having sex with a woman I knew I would fail and if I did it with a man....well, either way I would have to admit I was gay. By not having sex with either I was able to deny it to myself. I told myself that I was saving myself for the right girl. Except it wasn't a girl I was waiting for.
"When I saw Jake," he was still talking to Allen, "I knew that the time had come. I'd met my mate. It didn't matter anymore if I was gay. It was an instant certainty that having Jake in my life was all that mattered. I guess that if he'd been straight I would have had to have him as my best friend. I just knew I had to have him in my life." He chuckled. "Luckily, he wasn't." Allen grinned.
Through all of this I was silent. My mind was awhirl. So many little things were making sense. Now I understood. It hadn't been revulsion for my needy past, he'd simply been naive and fearful of not knowing what to do. That was why he'd made such a big deal out of telling me how he'd researched it. And my fear of showing my neediness had kept us from even discussing it.
"Jake?" I could tell by the way Allen said my name that he'd asked me a question that I hadn't heard. I blinked several times bringing my consciousness back in to focus. "I asked how you feel about what Charley just said."
I cleared my throat. "A lot of things make more sense now. It wasn't all bout me and my insecurities."
They looked at me as if they expected me so say more. I shrugged.
"You don't want to expand on that?" Allen asked.
"No, I want to think it all through."
"How about you, Charley? Do you have anything you want to add?"
"Not right now."
"Well, I think that the doctor will be releasing you this afternoon. I'd like to set up a couple of follow-up sessions with you.
Say once a week for the next couple of weeks?"
After Allen made his exit I stared at Charley. He sat astraddle the chair, resting his chin on his arms which were folded on the chair back. His expression was happy. He winked at me. I could come in my pants just looking at him. Suddenly I wanted out of this hospital. I wanted all my strength and energy back. I wanted Charley naked under my own nakedness. I wanted to make love to him by fucking him. And I damned sure wanted him to do the same to me.
I realized that he was grinning. I grinned back. "You know what I'm thinking. Don't you?"
He nodded and said, "But I don't think you have enough stamina yet."
"So I'll change places with you. Let you do all the work," I said.
His grin got bigger. I'm sure all the angels in heaven sigh every time Charley smiles.
Allen's prediction was true. After the doctor had examined me, he said I could finish recuperating at home. The nurse, of course, had to wheel me to the curb. I wondered if it was a power play on their part, doing that.
Charley was standing next to his pickup holding the door open. When I stood up he wrapped me in a hug and planted a kiss on my lips. I for a moment wondered what the nurse thought and then thought to hell with it and really got into hugging and kissing him back.
I heard the nurse sigh and say "Such a waste."
Charley broke away and smiled at her. "No, it's not. This is the way God meant for us to be. God does not waste." She
turned red, chagrined, she wheeled the chair away.
Charley drove away from the hospital, but not toward my apartment. I looked at him as he pulled up in front of Pete and Jason's.
"You're not going back into that apartment. Jason, Pete and I cleaned it out and put everything in storage until we move into our new home. Until we find it, we're staying with our young friends."
"I like those words."
"What words? Young friends?"
"Friends is nice. Our home. I like those words."
Charley grinned and then jumped out of the pickup and ran around to open my door. I opened it myself, got out and met him in front of the pickup. "I'm not an invalid. And I'll only get into bed if you're there in it with me."
As I remembered, Pete and Jason had moved into the big room up stairs. Charley led me into what had been the master bedroom when Dave and Bill had lived here. I looked at the king-size bed and then at him. He looked back at me and then at the bed. "Let's settle you in first." He opened the closet. "I moved all your clothes over here. That dresser contains all your folding clothes."
I moved over to him. "You're not scared of me are you, Charley?"
He looked startled. "No, of course not."
"We've been here five minutes and I still have my clothes on."
"But... but we have to settle you in first. I...We have a surprise for you." His impatient eagerness was childlike. That's another thing I love about him. He loves giving surprise gifts.
"I want another kiss first. And a full body hug." I insisted.
The tender look he gave me melted me. A couple of minutes later, out of breath, I pulled back and said in an innocent voice as I rubbed my hardness against his, "I thought you had something to show me. Shall I unwrap it?" I asked, looking down at the bulge in his Levi's as I rubbed my hand over it.
"There's nothing surprising about that. Anytime I get near you it's that way. Come," he said, taking my hand and leading me out of the bedroom. He yelled for Jason and Pete. And then took me into one of the small bedrooms down the hall.
It was like I had been instantly transported from that house to my office in my apartment, it was set up in that little bedroom just like it had been the last time I had been in it. I walked over to the desk. The text I'd been working with was opened to the page I'd left it on with my metal ruler laying across the open pages the same way I always left it.
The bookshelves were as they had been last time I saw them. I checked the order of the books, Yes, the top shelf was all my reference books, the huge Webster's dictionary, the Thesaurus, The Family Word Finder. The first books on the second shelf were my favorite gay novels, "The Charioteer" by Mary Renault and "Maurice" by E.M.Forrester, and the Front Runner and its two sequels by Patricia Neal. My pictures, one a blowup of my parents farm house and barn, were on the walls. I turned and looked at Charley. "How.....why?" Charley just stood there grinning.
"Because we love you and want you to feel at home while you stay with us." Jason piped, peeking around Charley's bulk.
"It just like the whole place was transported."
"It was Pete's idea. We photographed everything and put it in here just as it was in your apartment," he said, wrapping an arm around my waist.
"So we expect that next novel to be written right here," Pete said, as he came into the room and gave me a hug. He then apologized for not coming to visit me in the hospital.
"You guys don't even say hi?" I asked.
They had their arms around each other's waist as they grinned at me and said in unison, "Hi, Jake."
"You're a couple of smart-assed shit heads." I grinned at them.
"Yeah, but you love us." Pete said.
"And we love you, Jake." Jason chimed in.
"Yes, we do." Charley said as they all three moved in to give me a group hug.
'Damn,' I thought 'this kind of thing really makes life good.' "I love you guys, too. Thanks, this is so thoughtful," I replied, enjoying the closeness of my friends and lover. "But I still don't get why you did this."
"I don't think it would have been a good idea for you to go back into that apartment. You don't need to relive that night," Charley explained. "So we moved all of your furniture into storage, threw the bed in the dumpster and moved your office and personal belongings here. You and I will find a place of our own and start fresh, on a new mattress." He grinned at me.
I think that if love hadn't been emanating so strongly from his eyes as he told me this I would probably have blown a gasket. Because of the love I could feel, I let him have the right to make that decision for me . I stood there basking in it. It amazed me that he loved me. I was only marginally aware that Jason and Pete were in the room.
"Lunch is almost ready. If you want to freshen up you've got about twenty minutes," Pete said, breaking my trance as he wrapped an arm around Jason and started to guide him from the room.
"God, I'd love a shower. Bed baths just don't quite do it," I told them.
"I think I'd better go help him. He's really not strong enough yet to shower by himself," Charley said, grinning at Jason.
With a sassy smirk, Jason agreed with a vigorous nod.
I just smirked back. "Yeah, I need for Charley to give me lots of attention."
The shower took a lot longer than twenty minutes. We had the two boys pounding on our bedroom door and yelling things at us that had Charley turning red clear down to his toes even though we were alone in the bathroom.
We rushed to dry off and get out to the kitchen table, if for no other reason than to shut those two kids up. They were having a ball ragging on us. Thank God they had classes to get to that afternoon.
That left us all the privacy we could want for the next three hours. Once alone we stood looking at each other, suddenly shy.
"You want to lie down awhile?" Charley asked.
I grinned at him feeling mischievous. It just felt so good to be back with him again. "I'll go to bed, if you go with me. But--- you have to be naked."
He blushed, looking and acting like a little boy. "I'll get naked if you will."
"Damn, Charley, if I had the strength right now I'd pick you up and carry you into the bedroom."
I didn't know that he could move so fast, for the next thing I knew he'd scooped me up in his arms and I was hanging onto his neck, hoping he wouldn't drop me.
"Relax, Jake," he murmured in my ear.
I guess this was supposed to be romantic, but I felt damned silly being carried. I expected to be dumped onto the middle of the bed, but Charley knelt and gently laid me down. That was romantic and loving. I sought his lips as he hovered over me. He responded with passion as his fingers sought the buttons on my shirt.
"You're going to get fucked, Jake. But this fuck is going to be filled with so much love that you'll never want it any other way. I'm going to fill you with all my love, Jake."
"Do it, Charley, fill me with your love."
By now he had our clothes off. He spread his big hot body over mine, touching, feeling, kissing.
"You're mine, Jake. And I am yours. Yours alone."
He smothered my face with kisses. When he got to my mouth, his tongue sought mine. I concentrated on the kiss unaware that he had grasped my cock and positioned it at his rear entrance. He sat up and stared at me intently, "This is all for you, Jake. Relax and let me try to do it right." he said as he impaled himself on my shaft. "God, Charley, you can't do it wrong, unless you hurt yourself going too fast." I groaned, trying not to push up against him. "Oh man, that feels so fantastic."
"I've been stretching it for the last two months," he gasped settling on my pelvis, "I bought a dildo the size of your cock, I've been practicing." He smiled. "Have no doubts, Jake. You are the only one forever."
He rode up and down my cock like he'd been doing it forever. I lay on my back thrusting up to meet his every downward thrust. I could feel my cock head rub over his prostate. His head was thrown back. His eyes weresquinched closed. He was totally into doing this.
Suddenly his eyes popped open and he stared intently at me. "Oh, God, this is too much. I'm coming, Jake, I'm coming."
That did it. Between his words and his sphincter gripping my cock so hard, I could hold back no longer. "I'm with you, Babe. Oh damn, take my load Charley."
He covered my face, chest and belly as I filled his hot insides. Charley collapsed on me. My cum sealing us together. When he had recouped he raised his head and grinned at me. "Damn, Jake you're a mess." he started licking his cum from my face.
"I thought you were going to fuck me, Charley." I whined.
"Didn't you like that?" he asked between laps.
"Oh man, I really liked that, but I need you inside of me."
"Patience, Jake," he said lapping the last gob off my forehead. He then kissed me depositing it in my mouth. He sat back and grinned.
"I love the taste of you, Charley."
He leaned down and kissed me again. Then, he slid down my body, crouched between my legs and lifted them onto his shoulders. Using his cum scraped off my chest as lube, he massaged and played with my ass using his fingers to penetrate me. When he found my nut he rubbed it until I begged him to fuck me. He grinned at me and kissed me on the nose. "I thought you were going to be satisfied with just my fingers." he said.
"You're a funny man, Charley," I grunted, "but I need to feel your big cock in there. Fuck me, Charley. Please fuck me." I begged.
Later I was to wonder why we couldn't have been this open with each other in the beginning. I guess little hang ups do just that-- Hang us up.
Charley sat back and grinned like a kid with a new toy. He rubbed the head of his cock over my hole, teasing me. "Come on Charley give it to me. Claim me and make me totally yours." Those words did it. He lost his grin and with an intense, serious expression, he plunged his shaft into me.
I caught my breath before it became a scream. I schooled my face not to show the intense pain of being penetrated so fast. But then the upward curve of his cock, which I'd not really noticed before, rubbed over my nut. The pain disappeared. The intense pleasure I craved filled my being. I groaned and Charley froze. "Are you okay, Jake? Did I do something wrong?"
"No, Charley. It just feels so good. Don't stop," I whimpered.
The head of his cock rushed over my prostate again and again. I concentrated on not coming. But then I made the mistake of opening my eyes and gazing into Charley's love filled eyes. I lost all control. I shot, hitting myself in the face. Charley grinned and leaned down to lick it off as I filled the space between out bellies with the rest of my orgasm. I knew at that moment, there would never be anyone for me but Charley. And that he was so very capable of filling my need.
He continued to rub over my prostate, building to his own orgasm. I was in hyper-drive when he came and I came with him. I couldn't believe that he'd made me come three times in less than an hour.
He collapsed onto my chest and wrapped his arms around me. "Why haven't we done this before? He mumbled the question into my neck.
"We were both scared I guess." I sighed with contentment.
"Well, guess what."
"I'm not scared anymore."
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