© by The Lavender Quill, 2002
Warning: the following story contains graphic descriptions of male/male sex between consenting adults. If that sort of thing bothers you, or you are a minor, or it is illegal for you to read this type of content under the laws of your area, dont read any further.
This is a work of fiction. Any similarity to actual people or events is purely coincidental.
I love receiving emails. Accolades, encouragement, suggestions, comments, and corrections are welcome and gladly accepted. <firstname.lastname@example.org>.
Other work by The Lavender Quill can be found on the web at <http://lavenderquill.tripod.com/>.
Setting: Sacramento, California, 2002.
The next morning I woke early, wishing Robby could have stayed the night. I would have liked to wake with him in my arms. I sighed and got up. I did my morning routine and drove to the construction site.
Robby had not arrived yet, so I help James load sheet rock onto a lift. The lift then hauled it up to a balcony on the third floor, where a couple of other guys pulled it off. James could have done it himself, but it went faster with two of us, and it gave me something to do. We had just finished the second load when Robbys van pulled up.
I went over to meet Robby when he got out.
See, I said, holding up my hands. Im wearing my gloves. I smiled at him.
He looked around to see if anyone was watching us, and grinned back at me. I thank you. My ass thanks you.
I laughed. He opened the back of his van, and reached in. I shoved him into the van and climbed in behind him. I shut the doors behind us and turned to him.
What are you doing? asked Robby.
I pushed him against a metal equipment rack and kissed him. I kissed him like I wanted to when I woke up that morning. When I broke from our kiss, I grinned at him.
I love you, Robby, I said. Then I climbed out of the van.
Robby cracked up. I think you are starting to do that on purpose.
What? I asked with mock innocence.
Pick strange places to tell me you love me.
Well, where else was I supposed to tell you? This is a construction site. I was trying to sound logical.
Robby shook his head and handed me some tools. He grabbed a few things, and we headed down to the panel room. We went to work where wed left off the day before, pulling cable up the access shaft. Robby was further up, so we talked using the two-way radio headsets.
We worked in relative silence for about an hour. My part of the job was pretty tediousfeeding cable into the conduit and making sure it didnt get kinked or damagedand my mind began to wander.
Hmm? I heard his voice in my earpiece.
Can we talk about condoms?
You dont think this is a weird place to be having this conversation?
No, I said. I think this makes it easierat least for me. Nobody can hear us, and Im not distracted by having your sexy self right in front of me.
Okay. Well, sure. I suppose.
Are you upset that I still wanted to use one last night?
No, said Robby. I didnt think we needed them any more, but if you werent sure, I can see that it would be difficult to try to make a rational choice in the middle of having wild sex.
Right. So now were three floors apart and talking by two-way. We can be rational. What do we do next time?
Well, I still think the same thing I did last night. We got our tests. As long as were monogamous, we dont need condoms. He paused, then continued. We already decided we would be monogamous, and I trust you. Dont you trust me?
Yes, I do trust you. But I guess its still scary.
Scary? asked Robby. Why?
Well, it feels a little like rock climbing without a safety rope, I guess. If one of us slips, we could both be in big trouble. We worked in silence again for a while. Then I continued. Nobody slips intentionally, but it happens. Thats why they have safety ropes.
Robby dropped a feeder through the next conduit, and I attached the cable. Once I got that feeding properly, we continued.
Kevin, I dont think your analogy makes sense.
Oh? Why not?
Well, it sounds like you are saying that you mostly trust me, but not quite a hundred percent.
No, thats not it, I said.
Are you thinking of my last prayer partner? The guy I slipped up with and didnt use a rubber?
Because Im in a completely different place now, Kevin. That was, like, almost a year ago. Ive spent a lot of time and effort to change how I live my life.
I know that Robby. That isnt what I meant.
At that point I wished several floors didnt separate us. I wished I could reassure him. I wanted to be able to hug him. I was thinking maybe it was a mistake to have this conversation by two-way, after all.
Robby, I pressed on as best I could. I dont know if you have completely gotten a handle on this self-destructive behavior thing or not. You seem a little unsure yourself sometimes. I suppose I know that it might be possible for you to slip up or something. Backslide, or whatever. But I trust that if you did, youd care for me enough that you wouldnt bring a disease back to me.
He was silent for several minutes. Im not sure if I should kiss you or be mad at you for saying that.
Sorry, I said. Im trying to be honest, but I dont always know how to say what I mean, and this is kind of awkward. Maybe this wasnt such a good idea. Would you rather talk about this later?
No. I dont want to leave it hanging.
For a minute neither of us said anything. I wasnt really sure where to go with the conversation.
Yeah? I said.
If you completely trust me not to spread HIV to you, then your whole analogy about rock climbing is irrelevant. Is there something else?
I thought about it for a time. He was right. I was just using that as an excuse.
Robby, I think it would be nice to do it without a condom. Im sure it would feel better. And not just physically. It would feel more like a real joining. Something shared that we arent sharing yet. I took a deep breath. I dont want to take that step until we both feel committed to each other. I dont think were at that point yet. Well, I am, but I dont think you are. I know that I love you more than anything. I know that I want to be with you forever. Can you honestly say the same?
He didnt answer right away. Finally he spoke. No. I want to, but I dont think I can. He sniffed. I think he was crying. I feel like I have to make a choice. Love you or love God. Love you or love my parents. How can I make choices like that? Its too hard for me. Its too soon.
I know, Robby, I said softly. That is exactly why Im worried. Ill wait for you as long as you need me to. But what if you decide not to stick with this? With us? What if you cant figure out some way to reconcile your feelings, and leave me?
I dont want that to happen, said Robby.
I know you dont. But you cant say it couldnt happen.
I he stammered. Youre right.
I think it would be better for you to sort out where we stand together, and worry about getting rid of condoms later.
Robby was silent for quite a while after that. I worried that Id fucked up. Was I being insensitive to his internal struggles? Was I pushing him to make a commitment before he was ready? I yearned for him to make a commitment. I longed to hear those three magic words from him: I love you. But I knew it would be no good unless he chose to say it freely without any coercion on my part. Otherwise the words would be hollow and meaningless.
Robby, I said, when I could stand to wait no longer. Are you okay?
Hmm? Oh, yeah. I was just thinking.
Well, come down out of that shaft. Its time for lunch.
I waited as he climbed down. When he dropped down in to the panel room, I thought he looked terribly sad. I pulled him to me and held him in my arms.
You know, said Robby, in some ways this is more difficult than letting Alex dislocate my shoulder. That was just simple physical pain. Easily understood if I ignored why I was there in the first place. The last couple of weeks have been such an emotional roller coaster for me. Some nights I think of how happy we could be together, and I sleep like a lamb. Other nights I think my life will be destroyed. I have nightmares or cant sleep at all. He sighed deeply, trembled for a moment, then relaxed in my arms.
Oh, Robby, I whispered in his ear. I gently stroked the back of his neck. I could think of nothing to say.
Are you sure you want to get tied to someone whos such a neurotic mess?
I smiled at his attempt to make light of his problems. Yes, I said simply.
He pulled out of our embrace and kissed me lightly on the lips. Youre very special, you know that? said Robby. A guy could fall in love with someone like you.
Theres only one guy I want to fall in love with me, I said.
It might not ever happen. At least not like you want it to.
I know. But Im willing to wait and see. I think youre worth waiting for.
I think we both felt awkward for a moment after that. Finally, we broke apart and went outside with the other guys for lunch.
After being cooped up in that panel room all morning, I was glad to be out in the sun. I took my shirt off, partly for Robbys benefit. When I was sure nobody was looking, I brushed my hand down my chest and winked at him. He blushed slightly and concentrated on eating his sandwich.
After lunch, we headed back down to the panel room. He smacked me on the arm on the way down the stairs.
You are an evil child, said Robby.
What? I asked, innocently.
Teasing me when you know I cant do anything in front of all those guys.
I dont know what youre talking about. I was just brushing some dirt off my chest.
He laughed at me. Uh, huh. Youre a lousy liar, you know that? Just dont get me in trouble, okay?
I wont. When we got back inside the panel room, I grabbed him and kissed him, this time with more passion than our melancholy embrace before lunch. We broke our kiss before we got too involved. Sometimes I get tempted to do that right in front of all the guys at lunch or after work with our one beer.
I didnt say I would actually do it. Just that Im tempted. Its a fantasy. Wouldnt it be cool to be able to do that and not worry?
Yeah, said Robby wryly. But not on this planet. Not in this lifetime.
I sighed. Maybe not.
It would be fun, Robby admitted.
He kissed me lightly again, then handed me one of the two-way radios. He hooked his up and climbed back up the access shaft. We got to work pulling cable up the conduit in the shaft again.
I got to thinking of my amusing fantasy. I wonder what would happen if we really did that? I asked.
Kissed right in the middle of lunch?
Slow dismemberment maybe?
Nah! My uncle and Brian both know, and they wouldnt care. They both tell me they think it would be okay if I was more out with the guys on the crew.
You must be joking.
I dont really know. Brian thinks most people really dont have a big problem with it. You seem to think the whole world would hate us. I suspect really its somewhere in between that.
Maybe, he admitted somewhat reluctantly. I didnt think your uncle and Brian would be cool about us, but they seem okay.
Thats what I mean. I think we hear horror stories about gay guys getting killed or something, like Matthew Shepard, and we get too afraid to tell anyone. Sure, some people would freak out, but some people dont care.
Maybe, said Robby. He sounded very skeptical.
Have you ever actually told any straight people you like guys? Besides that whole ex-gay ministry thing?
No way, said Robby, emphatically.
I know you cant tell your parents, but is there anyone else you can talk to?
No. Not that I can think of. All my friends in high school were from pretty conservative families, like mine. Same for the people at our church. I didnt really make any friends when I was in the electronics school. I was busy trying to be ex-gay at the time. The whole crowd with Jeremy knows, of course, but theyre pretty much all gay anyway, so thats safe.
I bet you could talk to my uncle or Brian if you wanted to, I said.
I think its cool that youre out to them, Kevin, but I dont even know them. I only just met youre uncle a couple times lining up this job.
Neither of us said anything for a few minutes, each lost in our own thoughts. He must feel awfully isolated, I thought. We kept working. Robby started pulling cable from the top floor.
Robby, I said after a while. I think Im going to tell my parents this weekend.
Youre gonna come out to them?
Yeah. Ive been sorta thinking about it for a while. I think itll be okay. It seems like the right time.
Why does this seem like the right time? How do you know when is the right time to tell someone?
I dont know, really. Up till now it didnt seem all that important. I mean, I wanted to tell them. I hate hiding it. But there didnt seem to be a compelling reason to say anything, and well, it was just easier not to.
I thought for a moment. Now, I continued, now I feel like Im really in love with you. It seems more important that they know the truth. Before, it was like hiding something that was hypothetical, you know? I was attracted to guys, but nobody in particular. Now there is you. I love you. Its more real. I dont want to hide that from them. I looked up the shaft, but could barely see him. Do you want to come over with me when I tell them?
Jeez, Kevin. Do you really want me to? He sounded very reluctant.
Well, Im not really sure. I know Im going to be pretty nervous. Id feel more more confident if youre with me. Maybe you can sing to me if I start to hyperventilate.
Robby laughed. That would only work if I wasnt hyperventilating too.
On the other hand, it might make it harder if my parents think were ganging up on them. Or if they are confronted with my lover instead of just the concept of me being gay.
Kevin, said Robby. To be honest, I dont think I can handle that scene right now. I think Id be more nervous than you and your parents combined. I want to be able to support you, but I think I would just make things worse.
Mmm. Maybe youre right. If I have to worry about you and them, that will make me even more nervous.
You could ask your uncle to go with you. He already knows, and youd have an ally with you that your parents know and trust.
Hey, thats a good idea, I said.
So, how are you gonna tell em?
What do you mean?
Like, what will you say, exactly? Have you thought it out?
Hmmm. I could tell them that I really used to dig chicks, but then I met this guy with this huge cock, and he turned me queer, and now Ill never go back to girls.
Its not that big, he said. He chuckled. He knew I expected him to say that.
I laughed. Oh, yah. At least two feet long, I said, my story growing more outrageous, more exaggerated. One look at that magic shlong, and Im gay for life. Robby was really laughing now. Either that, or your demon kissing turned me into a homo. Its your fault, no matter how you look at it.
No way, stud boy, he countered. Youre the one the lured me back to your love nest for a night of debauchery. Youre the one that made me a fag.
We were both laughing our asses off. Debauchery? Are you making up words now? Recruiting me into youre evil ways with fancy words? You and your high brow education?
I dont think a two year trade school counts as high brow.
Maybe not, I said, but Im telling them you have, like, a PhD or something. Im young and innocent, and youre older and smarter, and taking advantage of me.
Hey! Im only two years older. Besides, youre bigger and stronger than me. I cant defend myself from your lecherous advances.
More fancy words! My innocent fuckin ears are burning up!
After a few minutes our joking and laughter dwindled down.
Seriously, said Robby, do you know what youre gonna say?
I sighed. No. I really dont. I mean, how to you ease your way into a subject like that? Any way you say it, its like dropping a bomb in the room.
Unless theyve already guessed.
I doubt that, stud boy. Youre a macho construction worker. You dont seem the least bit effeminate. How could they possibly guess?
Well, Ive never brought a girl home. Both my older brothers brought lots of girls over before they moved out. They talked about girls all the time.
Hmm. Do you think theyd ask if they suspected?
Dunno, I said, thinking for a minute. Well, no, probably not. Ill just tell them and hope for the best, I guess.
Im done up here. I think this is a good place to stop for the day. Well start stringing lines into the units tomorrow.
I looked at my watch. The afternoon had passed by a lot faster than I had realized. Robby climbed down out of the shaft, and we started packing up tools and equipment.
Can you come over tonight? I asked.
Robby gave me a sad look. No. I really should go home. Ive skipped dinner the last few days. I dont want them to get suspicious. He looked down. Im sorry Kevin.
Shit, Robby. Youre not twelve, you know?
I know. But my family is very different than yours. In a lot of ways, they still treat me like Im twelve.
I glared at him, then felt guilty for being mad.
Dont push me, please, said Robby. Im not ready to stir things up with my family. Once we get an apartment together in a few months, we can be together as much as we want, and I think we can do it without them knowing why. It isnt going to work if they start thinking well be more than just roommates, though. He pulled me to him and pressed his head to my shoulder. I think its wonderful that you are going to tell your parents. I hope it goes well. But my parents can never know, Kevin. Never.
Never is a long time, I thought. I didnt say it out loud, though. I just hugged him.
Okay. I said. Ill call you when I know when Im meeting with my parents. We can figure out what to do after that.
Sounds good. He nibbled my neck and ran his hand down my bare back to my ass. I wish I could come over. You make me so damned horny.
I pulled away from him. Well, dont get me started then, I smiled at him. Its not fair to get me all worked up and then go home.
Somehow I think youre going to get worked up whether I go home with you or not, he said dryly.
I grinned at him. Good point.
Robby poked his head out the door and looked around the parking garage. Then he closed the door and turned to me with a glint in his eye. He pulled me into a kiss, and his tongue immediately dove into my mouth. Suddenly he was on fire, his hands flying over my bare torso, rubbing my nipples, raking down my rib cage. His kiss was urgent and needful.
I quickly dismissed any misgivings I had over making out at the construction site. We seemed safe for the moment. He plunged his hand down inside my jeans and grabbed my cock. There was nothing subtle about this. It was entirely animal. He Leaned down and sucked on one of my nipples and kneaded the other harshly with his finger and thumb. I gasped, and he immediately moved on. He dropped to his knees and yanked open my fly. He jerked both my jeans and my briefs down to my knees in one swift motion.
The pace of his assault surprised me, but I fell in to the rhythm with him. He plunged his mouth on to my cock. He sucked on me fast and hard, clearly not intending it to last. Indeed, in less than five minutes from when he closed the door and kissed me, I erupted into his mouth.
I fell back against the wall, my legs week. Robby stood, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. He had a very satisfied grin on his face.
Not as good as spending the night, he said, but better than sending you home frustrated.
He kissed me again, and I could taste my own juices. I was entirely passive, my arms hanging to my sides.
Shit, Robby, I panted. Youre crazy. I was just beginning to think about what we had just done.
I know, he laughed. Im going up for a beer. Dont wait down here too long.
With that, he cracked open the door and peeked out. Apparently seeing nothing, he grabbed most of his equipment and left.
I looked down at myself, still panting and with my jeans still down around my knees. I laughed too, then. I shook my head, marveling at Robbys audacity. Finally, I regained enough of my senses to pull my pants up. I waited a couple more minutes till my heart rate returned to normal. I hoped I didnt look too flushed. I grabbed the remaining tools and walked out of the panel room.
When I walked back outside, Robby was standing next to his van with two beers in his hands. I tried to act casual as I put away the tools and took one of the beers.
Well, he said quietly, that felt a little sluttish. Then he smiled. But it was fun.
You said that already.
You didnt stick around long enough for me to return the favor.
You think I didnt enjoy that? Guess again! Im not keeping score. You can be the slut next time if youre feeling guilty.
Youre not a slut, Robby. Just horny.
He looked at me, fire still glowing in his eyes.
You might want to tone it down there, I said. Your sending off signals like a beacon.
Shit. He looked around, alarmed. Then he looked back at me, with significantly less intensity. He grinned, sheepishly. I cant believe I did that. Maybe I am crazy.
Then Im in love with a crazy person.
We walked over and joined the rest of the guys. I think we did a good job acting normal. I hope we did, anyway. I hung around until everyone else left so I could talk to my uncle. We both sat on the tailgate of his truck.
Whats up, Kevin? asked Uncle Don. Things going okay with you two?
Yeah. Were good. Great. Were gonna get an apartment together, but we have to wait a few months till Robby pays off some debts. He still lives at home, and that sucks big time for him.
I take it he hasnt told his parents about you and him?
No, I said. Theyre, like, really fundamentalist, it sounds like. Robbys pretty sure it would be a disaster to tell them. For sure not while hes still living there.
Is that the problem you were talking about before?
Well, partly, at least. Theres some other stuff too that I dont really want to go in to.
Um, Uncle Don?
I think Ive decided to tell my parents. Im gonna call and see if we can get together for dinner sometime this weekend. Tell them then.
Good for you, Kevin. I know youve been worried about it, but I think theyll be okay.
I hope so. I blew out a breath. Um, would you come with me? Id feel better if I had someone to fall back on if things go to hell.
Of course I will, said Uncle Don. Do you want to use the phone in the construction office to call them now?
I looked at my watch. No. They wont both be home yet. Ill have to call later. Ill call you afterward and tell you when, okay?
Do you think maybe they know already? I asked. That theyve guessed? Have they ever said anything to you?
Well, theyve never mentioned it to me. But then, Im not sure if they would say anything, even if they have guessed. Do you want me to ask?
No, I said. Really, you dont have to do anything except show up. Let me do all the talking, unless I totally lose it or something. I have to figure out how to deal with this my own way. Youre just my safety net. In case I crash and burn, or they totally freak out and go off on me or something.
Im sure that wont happen, Kevin. But Ill be there just in case.
Thanks Uncle Don. Ill call you later.
* * * * *
Later that evening, I called my parents.
Hi sweetheart, said my mom. We havent seen you much lately. Hows everything going?
Uh, okay, I said. Actually, thats kind of why I called. I was wondering if I can come over for dinner some time this weekend? I wanted to talk about something with you guys.
Oh. Lets see. We have a party we were invited to for Friday, and we are going to visit David for dinner on Saturday. David is my oldest brother. He is a lawyer and lives just north of San Francisco. How about Sunday?
Sure, mom. Sundays fine. Can Uncle Don come too?
Sure. That would be fine. Do you still like working with his construction company?
Yeah mom. Its a great job.
Is Jody coming too?
Jody is my aunt, Dons wife. I didnt know if she knew. I figured Uncle Don probably told her, but maybe not. Id asked him not to tell anyone, but I didnt specifically mention my aunt. Surely he would have told his wife, even if nobody else. But he never said anything, so maybe he didnt tell her. Id spoken to her a few times since I came out to Uncle Don, but shed never said anything about it.
Uhhh, no mom. Shes got something else going on. I dont remember what. So it will just be me and Uncle Don, okay?
Have you talked to your brothers? Did you want to have them come too?
No. I just want to talk to you and dad. Some other night for them, okay?
Fine then. Just the four of us. Can you give me a hint of what you want to talk about?
She sounded excited. Oh, God, I thought, she probably thinks Ive got a girlfriend or something.
Um. Its no big deal, mom. Ill see you Sunday. Say hi to dad for me.
Okay, dear. I love you sweetie.
Love you too, mom.
After I hung up, I flopped down on my couch. My heart was pounding, and I felt like my head was going to explode. All over a phone call. How on earth was I going to actually manage to tell them Im gay?
(To be continued.)