Date: Tue, 04 Dec 2001 20:58:44 +0000
From: Ben nobody <ben_sc@hotmail.com>
Subject: David Chapter 6 -Beginnings

	This is a true story and it is very close to my heart. It tells
about the one guy that I would use the term "lover" to describe. I am
opening my soul, here and I know that that can be dangerous. As always your
coments are welcome.
	ben_sc@hotmail.com

			   David Chapter 6-Final


	Pretty pathetic, huh? I also sent him an anniversary card that I
had designed. It had a fireplace and a thick quilt, a bottle of champagne,
and a bowl of strawberries. His 7th anniversary coincided , almost to the
day, with that or one month anniversary of when he and I met.  I sent this
separately, the next day. Little did I know that doing so would have the
detrimental effect it did.

	I got a message on my voicemail from David telling me not to write,
call or come by. He further stated that if I did, he would call my wife. I
guess I got my answer...

	David had told me where his brother, Joey, worked and I called and
made an appointment, stating that somebody told me about the place and that
I was interested in learning more about their services. I did go there, and
I did meet Joey, but I was very nervous.

	He looked very much like David, though, truthfully, not as good
looking. I wanted to tell him all about us and ask him if he would let me
know from time to time how David was doing. But I just couldn't work up the
nerve. He gave me his business card and I told him I would be in touch.

	A couple of days later, I got a phone call at work from my
wife. She said that we had gotten an "interesting package" in the mail. It
was a big envelope and had "I didn't read it. Leave me alone" on the
outside. She had opened it and inside there was torn up paper. She had
looked through it and it seemed like some sort of letter between some guy
named David and another guy named Ben.

	I nearly shit my pants. I just couldn't believe he would do
something like that. I told her I was on my way home and hung up the
phone. I was blown away. I dialed David's number at work and he answered. I
didn't even give him time to say anything before I was screaming at him and
asking him why he would do something like that. Thank God nobody was in the
office at the time. He just said he didn't want to talk about it and hung
up.

	I went home to face the music. I told my wife that I was Ben (not a
name I use at home) and that I had been seeing David, intimately for a
while. Apparently, she had read enough of the letter to get the gist of
it. She said that she had been talking to her psychologist about the
possibility that I was seeing a guy for about 3 weeks. She was hurt to have
it confirmed but not really surprised.

	We talked , I mean really talked, about me being gay and tried to
figure out where to go from that point. Divorce? Only if that's what she
wanted, but it would prove to be monumental hardship on her as she would
have to take care of everything by herself. She was, and is, so totally
dependent on me that this prospect scared the hell out of her.

	She wanted me to go to counseling. I did, though I didn't know what
she was expecting me to get from it. Her shrink recommended another in his
office and I went to see her.  She basically told me that I didn't really
need to be there, but suggested that I bring my wife in and she what her
thoughts and expectations were.

	Surprisingly, my wife just wanted me to have somebody to talk to
about all of this. She further shocked me by saying, in front of my
counselor, that I could see men, but she didn't want to know about it. WOW!
Don't ask-don't tell...

	I took me awhile to get over the hurt and anger of David's
betrayal. But I finally did. I wanted to let him know that I forgave him,
but how? I knew he wouldn't take my calls, and dared not write to him or go
by his work or house. I wrote to the pastor of his church, without
mentioning any names or details of or relationship. I simply told him that
I had had a falling out with one of the members of his congregation and
wanted to tell them that I was sorry and that I forgave them. I never got a
reply.

	Then I found Joey's business card and wrote him a letter telling
him basically the same things, but included the love affair, again not
revealing names. I asked him to call me, if he was willing to relay my
message.  Again no response.

	I was feeling frustrated and needed closure, so I wrote a second
letter to Joey telling him of my meeting with him and identified my lover
as his brother, David. No response from Joey, but David called my wife a
few day's later and told her that I was constantly bothering him and that
there had never been an "affair".

	He said that it was all just a product of my sick mind and that if
she didn't get me to stop, he would get a restraining order. I was aware of
who was calling and picked up the extension and listened as lie after lie
rolled out of his mouth. She hung up and said that she had thought that
"this was over". She told me to "leave that poor guy alone". I assured her
that all I was doing was telling him I forgave him, and that I would never
make any form of contact again.  And I haven't, not once.

	That's it. The whole thing. The only thing that remains are the
questions I have. What did I do to make him hate me so much that he would
hurt me so badly? Was I that far off thinking he was a decent guy and that
he loved me? Could somebody who has genuine love for somebody else betray
them like that? I will never know.


				  The End


				 Afterword

	It hasn't happened yet, but I am expecting some feedback from some
of the stuff that I wrote to David in my final letter to him (in Chapter
5). I expressed some of my spritual feelings and this might have caused
some to become upset with me or at least confused.

	As I wrote this letter, it needs to be understood that I was
writing to somebody who, like myself is a Chrisitan.  Being Christian and
being gay, for someone of my background and age is somtimes not personally
compatible.  It has taken me a long time to come to terms with all of this.
Add to the facts that my church affiliation is and has been Southern
Baptist and I think you begin to understand my inner turmoil. Desire and
guilt have played tug-of-war with me all my life.

	I am not here as an evangelist, nor am I about to condemn ANYBODY
for their beliefs. Honestly, I don't feel entirely comfortable with
everything in my life, but I am doing the best I can under the
circumstances.  Some things I will not understand fully until I am able to
be with God and receive his answers face-to face.

	Of this I am certain, I am Chritian and I am gay. It no longer
matters how this all came to be. The God who made me, loves me, and I
cannot bring myself to believe that the feelings I have were given to me to
be denied for a lifetime. I have experienced deep and very real love with a
man, and I KNOW that it was right, and it was good. I hope that I can share
myself this deeply and completely with another someday.

	Thanks for your continued reading of my stories. I really do
appreciate your comments and look forward to receiving your messages.
ben_sc@hotmail.com

Ben