Date: Wed, 30 Jul 2014 02:13:56 +0200
From: Morris Henderson <bigmoh@post.com>
Subject: Forces That Shaped Me: Delight and Despair

DELIGHT AND DESPAIR

NOTE: This is the final story in a trilogy.
Reading the first two stories
("From Darkness to Light"
and "From Conflict to Harmony")
is recommended but not required.


For eight years...
     ...I was supremely happy.  Will and I enjoyed a committed
partnership in spite of differences in our personalities that might
have doomed our finding each other, much less becoming a
couple.  I was raised in a relatively isolated rural community while
Will grew up in urban New York City.  As a child, I was devoutly
religious but evolved into an agnostic.  Will's childhood was devoid
of any religious teaching but in adulthood he studiously explored
the precepts of multiple religions.  When we met the most
significant deterrent to our relationship was our preferred style of
thinking.  My left brain dominated and focused my mind almost
exclusively on hard facts, logical analysis, and problem solving that
propelled me to become a mechanical engineer.  Will, however,
relied on his right brain, sensations, and emotion and was a
professor of art.  My creativity was channeled into making things
work and accomplishing predictable results.  His creativity centered
on making artistic works—paintings and sculpture—that awakened
aesthetic and individualistic feelings in the viewer.  With those
radically different styles of thinking and behaving, one would have
given the probability of our pairing to be quite improbable.

In spite of those gulfs that might have kept us apart, a bond formed
and matured into a consuming love for each other due in large part
by our willingness to adapt to the other's idiosyncrasies.  Each of us
complemented the other's strengths and compensated for the
other's weaknesses.  Each of us benefitted from a continuing effort
to understand and appreciate the other's perspective.  This was no
more apparent than when Will introduced me to the art of
meditation.

I came home from work early in our relationship frustrated over
failing to solve a problem and irritated by my colleagues' lack of
cooperation.  Will, always sensitive to my moods, asked, "What's
bothering you?"  After venting my caustically negative feelings, Will
said, "I'm sorry you've had a bad day.  But I think I know what will
help."

Only one thing came to my mind.  "Are you suggesting some hot
sex with lots of foreplay, massive orgasms, and blissful cuddling?"

"No.  That will come later.  First, you have to expunge all those
poisonous emotions.  Then the sex will be more enjoyable."

"Oh, so you're going to be a psychotherapist now?" I replied.

"No," he said calmly, ignoring my sarcasm.  "I'm going to help you
heal yourself with a period of meditation."

"Oh, some of that touchy-feely stuff the Orientals use.  How's that
going to solve my problems at work?"

"It won't solve your problems at work but it may help YOU solve
them.  At a minimum, it will help you cope without the stress that
can affect your physical and mental health.  Are you willing to give it
a try?"

By this time, I had calmed down enough to recognize that Will was
not only eager to help me but quite possibly able to do so.  "Okay," I
said contritely.  "What do I do?"

For an hour, Will gave me instruction and encouragement, which
included the advice, "You must be patient.  It will take some time to
develop the skill and discipline to meditate effectively."  Several
more daily sessions over the following weeks enabled me to, as he
said, "be awake inside myself without being aware of anything
except awareness itself."  I found it extraordinarily difficult at first
but, once achieved, it was amazingly satisfying.  Since that time,
I've made meditation a vital part of my life.  It has allowed me to
cope with the pressures at work (which was helpful) and has
elevated my enjoyment of our sex to a much higher level (which
was intensely gratifying).

Will also benefitted from our relationship.  He had no interest in or
ability to deal with mechanical or electrical problems.  When his car
wouldn't start, he almost came unglued over the inconvenience and
worry about paying for repairs.  But I was able to diagnose the
problem and, more often than not, make the repairs with little effort
and minimal cost for parts.  We bought a programmable microwave
oven and he was incapacitated by his frustration over punching the
right buttons in the right order.  I was able to walk him through the
procedures using analogies that registered in his right-brained
mind.  Thereafter, he was comfortable using it for simple tasks but
deferred to me for more involved cooking procedures.

By recognizing each other's strengths and weaknesses we were
able to achieve a harmony in which, together, we were stronger
and more fulfilled than two separate individuals.  I couldn't have
been happier.

*****

The phone call was unexpected...
     ...and brought news that no one wants to hear.  It was from one of
my two older sisters and the first time she had called me since
learning that I was living with another man.  I don't know whether
she suspected that I was in a gay relationship.  I had not told
anyone but my father whom I trusted to keep my secret.  But during
my periodic visits home she expressed disapproval of my moving to
California.  And she was clearly critical of my not having married
and begun to raise a family as she and my other sister had done.
"It's part of God's plan," she had often said, unaware that it was a
totally ineffective way of persuading me.

Without any pleasantries at the beginning of the phone call, she
said, "There's been a terrible accident.  There was an explosion
and fire at dad's store.  Both he and mom were killed."  The next
thing I heard was her sobbing.

To fully understand my reaction to the terrible news, you must first
understand my unqualified love for my parents in spite of my
gradual but complete rejection of the religion that governed their
every thought and that pervaded the isolated rural community in
which I grew up.  I was devastated that I would not see them again.
I was in a state of shock.  But tears did not flow.  They would come
later.  First, I felt I had to comfort my sobbing sister.  So I said
something that I didn't believe but that might ease my sister's grief.
"They're in Heaven now, Sis.  They're at peace in the presence of
God.  We'll miss them but you can be sure that they're at peace."
Later, I would wonder if it was Will's empathy to other's feelings that
influenced my attempt to calm and comfort my sister rather than
allow my grief to plunge me into total despair.  After more efforts to
calm my sister, she told me of the funeral arrangements.  "I'll be
there," I said.  She abruptly hung up the phone and I immediately
started to cry.

It was a Saturday morning.  Will was out running some errands.
How I wished he were home to hug me.  What I wanted most was
the assurance that the focal point of my life was there when I
needed him.  By the time he came home, my tears had stopped
flowing.  Still, he immediately sensed my depression, set the
grocery bags on the floor, and embraced me.  "What's wrong, Luv?"
he asked.  I couldn't reply.  My tears started flowing again.  I was
trembling and couldn't speak.  He sat me on the sofa and sat next
to me without breaking the embrace.  He gave me time to restore
my composure.

When I was finally able to tell him what happened and that I would
be leaving for a few days to attend the funeral, he asked, "Would
you like me to come with you?"

"Yes and no," I replied.  "I would appreciate your being with me.  It
could give me the strength I might need through the ordeal.  But I'm
afraid your being there would cause a lot of tongues to wag.  Don't
be offended but that's not what my parents would want.  Or my
sisters.  For them, it would turn into a scandal."

"I understand," Will said quite believably.

My emotions during the funeral and burial were consistently painful
and depressing.  Even the eulogies that praised my parents' lives,
character, and accomplishments only reminded me of my failure to
adequately express my appreciation for their providing a loving
home and their sacrifices to enable me to attend college.  The two
days were made even more unpleasant by my sisters' uncontrolled
weeping and moaning and by their frequent criticism of me for
having chosen a future away from family and traditional (by which
they meant religious) values.  Astonishingly, my insistence that
proceeds from the insurance settlements be divided between my
two sisters and not me was perceived as yet another rejection of
the life they felt I should be living.  The struggle to retain my
composure during the ordeal was debilitating.  Returning to
California and into the arms of my lover couldn't come soon
enough.

Just over a year later, I reluctantly abandoned my attempts to
maintain contact with my sisters.  My letters were ignored.  My
phone calls were met with a chilly to frigid reaction and laced with
unsubtle condemnation for "deserting" my heritage.  But my
disappointment was outweighed by the tender, loving
companionship of the man with whom I consistently found
contentment and fulfillment.

*****

The question was surprising...
     ...to say the least.  Will and I were blissfully cuddled together in bed
after a particularly erotic period of sex.  I had just expressed my
love for him when he said, "It's always wonderful with you, my love
... because our love for each other magnifies the enjoyment.  But
I've been thinking.  There could be more excitement and
satisfaction.  For example, we could enjoy sex merely for physical
gratification.  Would you be interested in trying something new?"

"What do you have in mind?"

"Well, suppose we invite someone else to join us for a threesome.
Consider the possibilities.  You could be sucked while sucking me.
Or you could be sucked and fucked at the same time.  Just imagine
the sensations of that."

"You can't be serious!" I replied incredulously.

"I know.  It may seem weird.  But you've always been happy doing
off-beat things that I suggest.  It's opened you up to new
experiences that your ultra-rational mind would never let you do.
Remember how hesitant you were about parasailing?  And how
thrilled you were to have accomplished what you first thought was a
hair-brained idea?  Think about it.  It wouldn't change how much we
love each other.  It'll just be an adventure to be enjoyed for strictly
physical stimulation."

"We've always been honest with each other.  There's no reason to
stop now.  So I'll just say I'm not comfortable with the idea.  And I
don't know how you would recruit someone to have sex with us.  In
short, I don't think your idea is feasible."

"I've thought of that.  As it happens, there's someone who I think
would be willing.  He's a former student of mine at the university.
He and I had several counseling session about his choice of
classes and improving his native talent in art.  In one of those, he
seemed distraught and I asked him what was bothering him.  With
obvious difficulty, he told me.  It seems he is gay, horny, and a very
frustrated virgin.  All I could do was to tell him it would get better ...
that he would find a kindred soul ... just as I had.  He was surprised
at learning that I was also gay but the fact seemed to add credibility
to what I had said.  He left my office in a much better mood.  So
here's my suggestion.  Let's invite him to dinner.  You'll get to meet
him.  Then, if you are agreeable, we suggest he join us in bed.
Making clear, by the way, that it would be a one-time experience
but one that would, at least for the moment, satisfy all our needs."

"I still don't like the idea," I said.

"If your final answer is `no' then I'll respect your wishes.  But if you
want to do a huge favor for him ... and for me ... then I hope you will
agree."

That was a persuasive argument and I considered the countless
things I had done as a favor to Will when I really didn't want to.  He
had done the same for me.  That's one of the ways we kept the
relationship between opposite personalities vibrant.  Because I was
confident of his continuing love and wanted to grant him his wish, I
said, "Okay.  But let's agree between us and with him that it will be
a one-time event."

Will hugged me tighter and purred, "Thanks.  You've made me
happy.  And the two of us will make a virgin extraordinarily happy."

*****

A week later...
     ...on a Friday evening, Will answered the knock on our door and
ushered in Nathan, a young man with a cherubic face that made
him look far younger than his age.  He had been told it was only for
dinner and casual conversation so he thoughtfully brought a bottle
of wine.  He was dressed in chino trousers and a polo shirt, both of
which hung loosely over his slim frame.   Will introduced me as his
partner, which made Nathan's eyebrows raise but he smiled, shook
my hand, and then gave a quick but noticeable scan of my body.

We all went into the living room for conversation and a glass of
wine while dinner finished cooking.  Will and Nathan carried most of
the weight of the conversation, which was to be expected, while I
quietly assessed our guest.  I found him to be articulate,
expressive, and had a spontaneity very much like Will.  After half an
hour, I excused myself to finish final preparations of the meal.
While busying myself in the kitchen, the idea of a threesome grew
more appealing.  After the meal, Will helped me clear the table.  In
the kitchen he quietly asked, "How `bout it.  Shall we ask him to
stay for some fun?"

I smiled and nodded my head.  Will smiled back and blew me a
kiss.

After dessert and another glass of wine it was nearing ten o'clock.
Nathan said, "Thank you both for a lovely meal.  I've thoroughly
enjoyed it.  But perhaps I should be leaving.  It's a rather long drive
back to my apartment."

Will asked, "Wouldn't it be better to drive home in the daylight?
You're welcome to stay the night here with us."

Nathan paused before saying, "That's very kind of you.  But I can't
impose on your hospitality any more than I have."

Will locked eyes with our guest and said, "It would be our
PLEASURE to have you stay the night."

Nathan looked perplexed, no doubt trying to interpret Will's
emphasis on `pleasure'.  For the first time since just after his arrival,
Nathan looked to be just a bit nervous.

Will put his arm around my shoulders and clarified the invitation.
"You know that we are gay lovers.  And, of course, you've told me
you're gay.  So we're all the same in that respect: we're gay.  But
we're different in that you don't have a lover and you're horny and
frustrated.  Let me lay it out plainly.  We're inviting you to join us in
a threesome.  Think of it as a gesture of friendship by giving you
something you want but haven't had—man to man sex.  It would be
no more than a one time experience with us but one that I'm sure
you would enjoy and would remember forever.  May we do you that
favor?  Will you accept our offer?"

Nathan thought about it for several moments before saying, "This is
a bit of a shock I never expected."  He paused before continuing, "I
admit I'm tempted.  But I'm not sure I want to intrude into your
relationship.  Call me old-fashioned but fidelity means a lot to me.
What you're proposing seems to border on infidelity.  To each
other, I mean."

"Not to worry," I said.  Will and I love each other deeply.  Neither of
us would jeopardize that relationship with any thoughtless
philandering.  But BOTH of us agree that providing a night of
pleasure to a needy and deserving person would bring you joy.
Look at it this way.  Will and I will be doing it not as individuals but
as a couple.  It would be one more way to strengthen our bond to
each other.  So ... can we entertain you in bed?"

Nathan was still reluctant but after a little more gentle persuasion,
Will said, "Sex based on genuine love is unquestionably the best
but there's nothing wrong with a having sex just for the physical
gratification."

I added, "You may even learn some techniques that will help you
when you find a man to love."

Finally, he agreed and we led him to the bedroom.  Inside, he
appeared to be quite nervous but calmed somewhat when I said,
"This is your time, Nathan.  To do whatever you've always wanted
to do.  And, by the way, you don't have to do anything you're
uncomfortable with."

He looked at me and smiled.  Hesitantly, he asked, "Can I start by
undressing you?"

"Of course."

He proceeded slowly, visually inspecting my chest and abdomen
before gently running his hands up and down my upper body
several times.  I could see the bulge in his chino pants grow.  When
my trousers dropped to my ankles, he tentatively felt my cock and
balls that were still hidden inside my boxers.  That didn't last long.
He became impatient to see what was slowly growing between my
legs.  It didn't take very much fondling before I was fully erect and
he continued his tactile exploration.  I interrupted his examination.
"That feels good, Nathan.  But don't ignore Will.  Would you like to
undress him?"

He flashed me a shy smile and turned his attention to his former
professor who patiently submitted to Nathan's lengthy inspection
and, I'm sure, with a great deal of pleasure.

Without asking what our guest wanted to do next, Will and I jointly
disrobed him, offering from time to time admiring comments on his
physique and on his impressive endowment that was now fully
erect and oozing precum.

Once in bed with Nathan between us, Will and I by tacit agreement
took the lead.  Will caressed his torso with particular attention to his
nipples that soon protruded firmly while I ran my hands gently
across the inside of his thighs and toyed with his balls.  Nathan's
precum oozed profusely and formed a pool on his abdomen.  Will
touched my shoulder.  I looked up.  Will propped himself up on one
elbow.  I knew what that meant.  It was a signal for a practice we
frequently used in foreplay so I stopped teasing with Nathan's balls.

"Why did you stop?" Nathan inquired with obvious surprise and
disappointment.

"It's a technique you can use with your future partner," Will
explained.  "Pause to let the stimulation and the urge for orgasm
subside.  I know it can be frustrating but it will magnify the
sensations when you finally climax."

We brought him to the brink twice more but his insistent pleading
for relief convinced Will that it would be cruel to prolong the young
man's distress any longer.  He nearly swallowed Nathan's
throbbing cock and within a few seconds, our guest bucked his hips
and cried out with a primal scream.  Will gripped the pulsating cock
tightly in his lips while what must have been repeated volleys of hot
cum exploded down his throat.  It was several minutes before
Nathan's trembling stopped and his breathing returned to normal.
His cock, still captured by Will's expert mouth, slowly deflated.

When Nathan recovered from the mind-blowing orgasm, he found
Will and I cuddled on either side of him.  "Gawd!" he moaned.
"That was friggin awesome!"  Both Will and I were extraordinarily
pleased to have given him the experience.  "How about you guys?"
he asked.  "Can I suck you off?"

 "Sure," I said.  "But you don't have to swallow my cum if you don't
want to.  I'll warn you when I'm about to cum."  My response was a
subtle clue to Nathan that he would be sucking me.  Part of Will's
enticement for me to agree to a threesome was a promise that I
could be sucked and fucked at the same time.  While Nathan was
busy on my cock, Will would attend to my ass.

"Don't bother warning me," Nathan grinned.  "I want it all."

Nathan's technique was far from expert caliber but was quite good
for an amateur.  Will's skill, however, was unusually magnificent.
Perhaps it only seemed so because of the dual, front and back
stimulation.

We fell asleep entwined.  Nathan had a hand on the cocks of each
of his benefactors while we jointly cradled his in our hands.

In the morning, Will asked Nathan, "Wanna do it again?"

The reply was immediate and enthusiastic, "YES!  Please."  The
only difference in the encore performance was that Will and I
exchanged roles.  When Nathan left at midmorning, he expressed
his appreciation and did not seem too disappointed when reminded
that our mini-orgy would not be repeated ... but that he was
welcome to visit us at any time.

*****

Our lives resumed...
     ...and we were both happy loving and being loved in a committed
relationship.  Until about two years later.  Will and I had just finished
having sex and were lying in bed when he delivered a crushing
blow.

Perhaps it was because of the pressures of our separate vocations.
I had been promoted to department manager and got caught up in
a lot of overtime.  Will's success as an artist meant he spent more
time in the studio, often well past midnight, and travelling to across
the country to galleries that curated a special exhibition of his work.
The time we could spend together had tapered off.

Perhaps it was a failure of both of us as we neglected a vital
ingredient in any lasting relationship—concern for the other's needs
and well-being.

Or perhaps, as Will with his expansive, creative mind might have
said, it was a manifestation of the cycle of life from birth to vigorous
growth to death, which translates to: from falling in love to being
part of a larger whole to the withering of love's sustaining
nourishment.

Whether because of those reasons or unknown others, our
partnership ended when Will said, "It's been great.  While it lasted.
But it's over between us.  I think it's time we move on."

I was stunned.  And speechless.  But not completely surprised
since our love-making lately seemed to have lost its magic and had
devolved into physical gratification without the important emotional
component.  After several moments of confusion and suspecting
the worst, I asked, "You don't love me anymore?"

 "I'm still fond of you but it's no longer what it used to be."

"But why?" I asked.  "Why can't we regain what we both shared?
Can't we repair whatever's broken and continue loving each other?"

Will paused before saying, "The truth is I've fallen in love with
another man.  You and I still have many years ahead of us.  Believe
me when I say I hope you can also find someone else to love."

Anger replaced my shock.  "And who is this other man?  How long
have you known him?  And have you been fucking each other
behind my back?"

"You'll find out eventually, I suppose, so I'll tell you.  It's Nathan."

The betrayal fueled my anger to incendiary proportions.  "You son
of a bitch!" I shouted.  "Casting me aside like a used condom.  And
for a horny stud half your age!"

I slept on the couch that night.  Over the next few days, Will often
tried to engage me in conversation but I didn't respond.  I'm not
proud of it but my love for him had transformed into furious anger.
Less than a week later, I moved out.

My idyllic world was shattered.  From floating on clouds in a loving
relationship I was plunged into a murky abyss of solitude.  But life
goes on.  I had to play the cards I was dealt.  It took some time but I
was able to focus on the lessons I learned and the hope that I might
once again find someone to love.

***

That's all, folks.

Author's Notes
My thanks to Iatia for his editing, encouragement, and friendship.

And thanks to Nifty for posting so many stories.  You can thank
them, too, by supporting their work with a donation.
http://donate.nifty.org/donate.htm