Disclaimer: The following story is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any person living or dead is coincidental. It depicts sex between men and it should not be read by any one under the legal age of consent in whatever jurisdiction or by any one offended by homoerotic and/or pornographic material. It is forbidden to copy and redistribute it with out the written permission of the author. Copyright reserved by author.
This is my first story ever. I am really looking forward to hear from the readers. Please send your comments to email@example.com
The story is set in Karachi, the largest city in Pakistan. An Islamic country with 98% Muslim population. Sex outside marriage and homosexuality are a punishable crime in Pakistan. Though, these laws never really get implemented but there is a whole social background that makes sex a taboo. Homosexuality in Pakistan is just as common as every where else in the world. People are discreet and very careful about expressing their sexuality. Most gay men end up marrying women and raising children. But since the arrival of the internet a new gay urban culture developed. Instead of socializing at gay cruising spots, people started meeting in the safe virtual reality of online chat rooms. Gay men started talking about their sexuality and a new better understanding started to develop. Sex was no more an issue, one can now go online and find a guy to have sex with. But relationships are still a distant dream. Some guys were lucky enough to find lovers or boyfriends but these relationships usually ended too quickly. Still there are people like "Raheel" who has weird thoughts about being righteous, about living a normal gay life, in a country where normal and gay were not allowed to go together in one sentence.
Chapter One - The Date
I was standing outside a shopping mall in Clifton's posh commercial area. This mall is particularly famous among the rich and famous of Karachi. There were security guards every where, people were arriving to shop and dine with their families. Rich, handsome and happy guys were every where. I felt so outcast, I was feeling that I didn't belong here. I was just a guy from a lower middle class family. I had been to this mall once or twice but this was when I saved money to buy some latest Western novel, I remembered the last time I came here was when I bought Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows. But today I was here on a date.
I met Saif in a chatroom for local gay guys. He was looking for some cute young bottom to have sex with. I am 24, I don't think that I could ever be described as cute, and I was not looking for sex. At first he made fun of me when I told him I wasn't looking for sex. I didn't mind, most people made fun of guys like me in online chat rooms. They think chat room is good for sex only and a gay relationship is something that is nearly impossible in Pakistan.
Saif was a little older than me. He was 25 and he was a handsome guy. When he showed me his pictures online, I thought he was showing me fake pictures of some fashion model. He then showed me his web cam and there was no doubt that the pictures were his. He thought I will change my mind after seeing his pictures. I told him that he is very good looking but I prefer to chat with average looking guys as this increases my chances of finding the right guy. He insisted that I show him my pictures and web cam. I told him that I don't want to show him my pictures because I already know what he wants and I already know that I am not what he wants.
"Come on I showed you my pics now you show yours"
"I didn't want you to show me your pics" I told him
"but now you have seen and i feel bad that i haven't seen you" and he was kind of right. If I show him my pictures he would go away. I thought in my mind. I was now very comfortable with rejections on the internet and they don't bother me any more. So I showed him my pics.
"you are not half as bad as you pretend that you are" he said. Well most nice and polite guys tell me this before saying good bye. I appreciate that they try to hide their true feelings. Mean people usually say a quick "bye", "sorry not my type" or they simply disappear.
Saif didn't disappear, he started talking. We talked about gay relations he tried to convince me why two gay men can not live happily together in Pakistan. Then we talked about religion, politics, books, movies, television, etc.
I didn't expect him to ever chat with me again. But he did and we spent hours talking for three nights. The fourth night he started talking silly he started discussing the possibilities of a relationship between us. I told him that this is not possible because we are not compatible. He was handsome and extremely good looking and I was the ugly duckling. He was rich, had influential wealthy parents, he had studied in US and he worked in a multi national company for a very handsome salary. He lived in DHA, a posh neighborhood, and I lived in a lower middle class neighborhood, he belonged to a different world. The world of dreams.
"But you like dreaming don't you?" He said.
"Yes but i don't want my day dreaming to turn into nightmares". I had no idea what I was saying and I was sure that he was thinking that I am crazy.
The fifth night, he said he would like to meet me. I told him that I don't want to meet him. He asked me why and I had no reason at all. I had a reason that I didn't want to give him. My reason was that he was too good looking and I was fearing that if I meet him I might fall in love with him. I didn't want to love someone who was unable to love me back. He kept insisting.
The sixth night, he said that he likes me a lot and would really like to meet me.
"Raheel plz atleast give it a try"
"I can't Saif i know the outcome then why waste the time"
"what if the outcome is not what you think it would be"
"what if it is exactly how i think it would be?"
"well you are already doing this for five years one more rejection is not going to destroy you"
Harsh as he was, he was dead right about this. I thought that even chatting with him was dangerous. I already had feelings for him and if I continue to chat with him without meeting him these feelings would get stronger by each day and then it will become difficult for me to face the rejection. So lets face it now. But I was also afraid of losing him. He was not only good looking, he was smart, witty, sensitive, charming, intelligent. He was the kind of people who can talk about anything. I loved talking to him and I didn't want to end our online friendship too quickly. I knew from my past experiences that gay people, once they realize that they cant love me, they also drop the idea of having friendship with me.
"ok lets meet but you know what? i am not afraid of rejection"
"then whats your fear?"
"that i will never see you again online"
"thats absurd Raheel"
"you know i am not into relationships or love between men and yes you are right may be i will not have sex with you but i like talking to you"
"they all say that"
"i am not like them"
"they all say that too"
He asked me to meet him outside this mall at 7pm. I came early but now it was already ten minutes past 7 and I was feeling very nervous. I wasn't experienced in meeting people. Last time I met a guy was nearly an year ago and after the coffee he never called me back. I was feeling that may be Saif came and he saw me and decided to leave without meeting me. But, I had shown him my pictures and web cam he already knew how I look like why would he just go away without meeting me even if he didn't like me at all. I tried to calm down myself, and I started thinking about my past experiences. Five years is a very long time, during this time I promised myself that I will never do sex just for the sake of fun. I decided that if women in Pakistan can live without sex until they get married why I can't do the same. There was also a religious factor behind my decision. I believed that homosexuality is a sin in Islam, and I thought that may be Allah will forgive me if I tried to be as good as I possibly could. May be I will not be as bad a sinner if I tried to find a guy and live my life with him like straight people do. When I described my theory to Saif he laughed. He didn't believe in God and all the religious stuff was a matter of laugh to him.
I always thought that my quest would have been much easier if I had the right looks. I was just a below average looking guy. I was small 5-5 inches tall, had a normal body. I wasn't skinny but I was thin. I mean my body was healthy in proportion to my height I just wished I could get some muscles to get rid of my boyish appearance . My body was almost smooth and I wish I had some hair on my chest to make me more manly. My hair were normal black, thick and messy. My face was small and round, I looked a bit more Chinese than a Pakistani from my face. I had small almost invisible nose. Small eyes which looked even smaller behind the glasses I wore. I always thought that I am ugly and after five years of chatting showing pictures on the Internet, meeting strangers and getting rejected, I was now very sure about that.
I was often taunted and bullied by guys in school they used to call me little cheena (Chinese). Being a little girlish, shy and small I was always an easy target for the bullies in the school. I felt so relieved when I reached college. Guys and girls in college simply ignored me. I had no friends but at least I was free to walk around without fearing people throwing rocks on me or using me as punch bag.
7:12, I looked at my wrist watch. He is not going to come. I took out my cell phone, I had his number and even though he always wanted to move from chat to phone talk we never talked on phone. I browsed my phonebook and pressed the dial button on his name. He had Atif Aslam's song "Pehli Nazar" set as the tone. I listened to the song while thinking how he would feel when he sees me standing here.
"Pehli Nazar Mayn kAisa Jado Kardiya
tera ban betha hai mera jia
janay kia hoga kia pata
is pal ko mil ke a ji layn zara
mayn hon yahan tu hai yahan
meri bahon mayn aa
aa bhi jaa
o janay jaan dono jahan
meri bahon may aa bhol jaa
A shiny silver Honda Civic arrived in the parking area and a tall handsome guy came out of the car. There he was. I felt like I forgot breathing. He was taller than me, I mean of course almost 80% guys in Pakistan are taller than me. he looked more handsome than his pictures. He was wearing a sky blue shirt with gray trousers. He had cell phone in his one hand and he was looking around and then he looked at me. God, he is so beautiful I should run away from him. He smiled and he started walking toward me. I was standing there amazed. He looked more masculine than Michaelangelo's David. His face looked like Eric Bana I remember I commented when I first saw his pictures but he looked something totally different now.
He was now standing just a few feets away from me his hand stretched towards me for a handshake and a mesmerizing smile on his face was greeting me.
"Raheel" he said
"Saif" I said while I tried to smile and took his hand. His hands were big and he had a firm grip and I wanted him to release my hand quickly I didn't want to feel anything.
"I am sorry I am late you know how it is during these hours." He said something about traffic jam. I was half listening. I was actually very sad. and I was thinking that it will be one of the most painful rejections I have ever had.
"Raheel" he called my name.
"yes" I looked at him. There was a little worried expression in his eyes.
"So what you wanna do?"
"hmm I don't know"
"I am not feeling like going inside it would be too crowded there." I told him, in my mind I was looking for some excuse to run away quickly. I pictured myself with him inside this posh mall where every one looked so handsome. How strange I would look with him.
"We can go to the beach and sit there and talk" He said.
"What are you doing you will sit with him in his car you should tell him that your mother is sick and you want to go home". The Raheel in my mind was shouting at me.
"Don't do anything stupid be a man. face the situation and eventually he will let you go and you can mourn when you reach home till then just hold on". The other Raheel said.
We walked to his car and he opened the door for me. Like in movies but I was not his girlfriend, I wasn't his boyfriend. He is making it more difficult I am going to miss him forever.
He took the driver's seat and I was so captivated. I was dealing with a gazallion thoughts at once. I knew no matter what I said, what I did, I could never leave a good impression on this so perfect so out of this worldly guy. We were on the road to Sea View beach, the shrine of sufi saint Abdullah Shah Ghazi was on our right. Saif gave me a smile and said:
"So you go to shrines?" He was only trying to make a little conversation to make me comfortable. I had no doubt that he was more than comfortable with me, perhaps even feeling superior and may be even enjoying how he has dazzled me by just his mere presence.
"No" I replied. If he was some other guy some normal average guy like me I would have talked about my religious beliefs and how I love Sufi Saints without worshiping them.
"Good." He said while his eyes watching the road ahead. He pressed a button on his CD player.
And there was Kishore Kumar and Asha Bhosle's ever green love duet.
Tu tu hai wohi
You, you are the one
Dil ne jisay apna kaha
who my heart called my own
tu hai Jahan Mayn hon Wahan
Wherever you are, I am there
Miljayn is tarah Do lehrayn Jis Tarha
Oh, let us meet in the way that two waves do
Phir Hoon na Juda Haan Yeh Vadaa Raha
Then let us never separate, yes this is my promise
I had told him how I loved old Hindi filmi songs. He knew Kishore Kumar and Asha Bhosle were my all time favorites. Is he trying to play with me? I thought and he confirmed:
"I had this CD lying around I thought you would like if I played something familiar." He said still wearing that magical mesmerizing smile which I think he thought would comfort me but it was only dazzling me and leaving me speechless.
"I love this song" I said.
"Have you noticed that its a remixed version" He asked.
"Yes its not better than the original but its nice" I said. God I wish, I could give him a friendly smile back. My face must have looked stone cold to him. What he would be thinking about me? It doesn't matter what he thinks, he doesn't like me and there is no way I can change this. He must be thinking that I am weird. Why I so desperately want him to like me, thats illogical. We could never be together thats impossible so I should be strong so that I don't get hurt by my own feelings for him. I should control myself and act normal. I should ignore how extremely gorgeous he is. Lets think he is just some guy. Some guy... I thought and forced myself to smile.
"So.... What are you thinking?" He asked may be he noticed me smiling.
"Nothing." I lied.
"You look better in real world. much better than you look on chat" He said.
"Thank you" I politely accepted his compliment which I was sure was meant to make me relax. I don't look nice no matter what I do.
"So how was your day?" He asked another polite attempt to start a conversation.
I wanted to tell him that I spent all my day dressing up and preparing for the date. I went to saloon to get my hair done, shaved my face, I was so confused about what to wear, I tried almost every thing I owned which is not much, to find something nice. I was busy like hell, worried and confused all day.
"the usual, I got up checked my emails ate lunch, worked a little and then dressed up to meet you." I told him with the forced smile still on my face. I was shying, I felt like he could read my mind and detect my lies so I forced my eyes to leave his beautiful face and focus on my hands.
"I had the longest day at work" He said. I can only imagine how it must be for him to have a long day. He had a full time job with lots of responsibility on his shoulders and he was a workaholic, a perfectionist.
We were on the Sea View road now.
"So where you want me to park?" He asked me. I didn't know at first why would he ask me where I want him to park the car he can park it anywhere this whole road is a common place for people who enjoyed beach view at night it is well lit and there were cars parked along the footpath which had 3 feet tall wall on one side and then stairs down to the beach.
"anywhere, where its not too crowded" I said. He parked the car and we walked to the stairs and sat on a bench there.
God Thank you for this moment one of the most handsome guys on earth is sitting with me on the beach on a full moon light just a few feets away from me. I can smell the fragrance he is wearing I can hear his breathing. This moment is precious even if I don't get to see him ever again I am never going to forget this moment.
I was thinking a lot. But I was not confused anymore. I had this moment and I wanted to enjoy it. I thanked God to give me this moment and promised myself that I would enjoy this precious gift. I felt relaxed and much better.
Saif was talking mostly he was telling me about his job, he then told me about his mom, he talked about food, his life in US and so much more. He moved his hand to my back and pulled me closer to him. My heart stopped beating and I suddenly felt cold. I was even shivering. He was so close and he didn't notice how I was feeling. He kept talking, once in a while he asked me a question and I was unable to really talk so I kept it minimal.
There was an ice cream vendor on a tricycle he bought me an ice cream cone. My hands were already shivering with his presence and sea breeze. I dropped a little ice cream on my shirt. He gave me his handkerchief. I didn't return it back I didn't want him to fold this ice cream smeared handkerchief into his pockets. During all this time when he talked so much about himself he never moved his eyes from me which made me even more nervous.
Raheel gain some control on yourself. This guy is not for you. He is not the one. My brain shouted at me.
So what? It looks like he is fine with me. My heart replied.
He is just trying to be friendly with you dont get it wrong. My mind tried to convince me.
I want to be friends with him too. My heart fought back
No, dont lie to yourself at least. Be realistic please. My mind reminded me of my nervousness and my fears and my dreams. Am I going to loose all my ideals, my righteousness just because he is so extremely good looking?
"I think we should leave now" I stood up suddenly. Saif was surprised, it looked like he wanted to talk more. He must not be thinking that I am weird now I think I have already done many weird things so he knows me better now.
"Where you would like to go?" He asked.
"Can you drop me to some place where I can get a cab"
"I can drop you home. But why you are leaving so early?"
"Its only 9"
"I am not feeling well".
"Ok" He shrugged.
While in his car he played more Kishore Kumar songs. He looked at me
"You sure you don't want to have dinner with me?" He asked me with his eyes peircing my mind.
"I want to but I am not feeling well"
"Are you nervous?"
"I can't tell you"
"You know I like you already"
"Then why are you so nervous no one is judging you. I am your friend"
"I dont want you to be my friend"
"Then what you want me to be?"
I looked at him and I knew that he knew my answer. He knew but he wanted me to say it. What if I say what he already knows and he tells me that he can't do that. I already know his answer. He is not into committed relationships. He does not want a boyfriend. He likes cute young boys for sex and love. I am neither cute nor under 20. I kept my mouth shut to avoid the rejection I was fearing.
"Tell me!" There was authority in his tone no anger no confusion no questioning he just wanted me to say it.
"You can stop here I will get a taxi from here". I wanted him to let me go right now I knew the limits of myself control. My heart was aching for him and the battle inside me needed the safe grounds of my room so that I could let the water from my eyes flow.
"You are not going anywhere." He said angrily now and the tone became more commanding more controlling.
"Look Saif this is not right you can't make me say things like that."
"I just want you to trust me, why it is so difficult for you?"
"I trust you, its me I don't trust."
"I wont let you harm yourself I promise"
"You can't control it please let me go."
I can't believe I was having this dramatic conversation with this guy, I wanted to be with him more than anything in the world and he wanted me to stay with him. And I was trying to escape him.
"Do you want to have sex with me?" He asked. I looked at his face with disblief and he was looking at me. I didn't know what to say, yes I wanted to have sex with him but if I do that I will loose all those years.
"I like you and if you want me too we can go to my place, right now." He said.
My precious years, my beliefs, my thoughts about monogamy, being pious, being righteous and being a good Muslim gay guy were on one side. The other side had him, the most gorgeous man in the whole world who just promised that he wont let me harm myself. He was offering me his body... but for a night? or may be two? for a few months? Or may be he didn't want me at all. May be he thought he can boost my moral by fucking me.
I was so worthless that this great guy decided to pity fuck me so that I feel better for myself? He thinks all I told him during last whole week was a lie and if I got a nice fucking I might feel better? What the fuck he thinks he is? He thinks I am so weak that I wont be able to resist his good looks?
I realized that he was right. It was extremely difficult for me to resist his offer and it was hurting me to realize that I was so weak. I didn't realize that the cups of my eyes were filled and the traitor tears were now flowing on my cheeks. I was so weak that I was crying and shivering badly. I was insulted and I didn't even know what I should do now.
"pp...ppleeeaasee stop right here now!" I said, I didn't recognize my own voice. I didn't know I had strength to say or do things anymore. He looked at me and he saw tears on my face and he pulled over.
"I didn't mean to hurt you Raheel. Please let me drive you home." There was pain and anger on his face.
I didn't want him to feel sorry for me, I didn't want him to feel angry. I just wanted to run away. I looked at his face and he looked so ugly.
I slammed the car door and started walking. It was a deserted street. I knew the Shrine was not far away I was able to see the lights of the shrine. But I didn't know where I was.
"Please get in the car I will drop you home" Saif said from his car he was following me. I didn't reply. I kept walking I was seeing a turn a head and I guessed that if I turned right from the next corner then that street will lead me to the Shrine road.
"Come on Raheel, please I swear I will not say another word just get in the car." He shouted again.
I was angry and I was always afraid. From the experiences of getting bullied and getting sexually abused by angry tops I knew what this voice meant. He was angry that I am making the decisions here not him and soon his ego will drive him mad he will do something to take control from me. I sensed the danger and anger from his voice, I wished I could run but it was already too difficult walking with tears blinding me and body shivering badly. There was no help any where. If he decides to pull me into his car I might not be able to resist and fight him. I started walking fast. He increased the speed too his car was crawling only 10 feets away from me. I was near the intersection but before I could turn right I was blinded by headlights of a car, a loud noise of horn and brakes made me freeze and this car stopped just a few inches away from me.
To be continued .. please send your comments and feedback to firstname.lastname@example.org