Date: Fri, 17 Oct 2003 16:47:44 +0100
From: smiles_51@lycos.co.uk
Subject: Jason - Chapter One

Authors Notes: -

This story contains Sex between men.  If you are under 18 in the UK (or
Appropriate legal age in your country) please stop reading here. If such
Mentioned material may offend you please stop reading too.  This story is
Fiction and any resemblance to reality is pure coincidence.

Though this story may involve unsafe sex (It is only fiction), and I
Believe in playing safe (look after yourself and your partner).

I hope you enjoy reading my story. Please, feel free to email me with your
comments, whether good or bad.

My e-mail: smiles_51@lycos.co.uk


17th October 2003


'Jason'


Chapter One


It was a cool brisk January morning. I stood outside leaning on the gate
smoking a tailor made embassy regal ciggie, next week Id be back to roll
your own baccy! Thinking where are those bloody removal men! I had booked
them a few days ago and knew the lad from school days, Darren Peterson. Bit
of a dick head, typical straight man but he was cheap and money was tight.

An hour later he turned up, loaded my gear on and we where off. Balton
Street wasn't an ideal choice of a place to live. Only months earlier Id
sold a two bedroom terrace house, for a $10,000 profit (by chance). It paid
a lot of debts off and the ex-wife got the other half of it. The new place
didn't have central heating and no double-glazing either, I don't think
many people had that luxury then. The house was rented as furnished. Well
if you'd call it that. All the stuff was 1950`s oak etc with 70`s purple &
lilac swirled carpet and orange and brown old folk lounge carpet. The
bathroom was downstairs at the back of the house. Cold and damp the water
boiler worked with a bang. There was a sort of half kitchen diner with
melamine brown units and a big oak sideboard taking up most of the
room. The most heating were two small gas fires. Up the steep stairs, the
second bedroom was a good size with a good view of the back street. This
was an end house with a very high back wall. The main bedroom was a good
size. Double bed, a massive dressing table with mirrors, with lovely curves
and smooth edges an oak double wardrobe, with interior mirrored doors.

I put a few suitcases on the floor as mam and dad put the kettle on for a
first brew. I looked around this place not really believing that I had
agreed to move in here. It kinda really felt like stepping in the wrong
direction, but the bed was made and this was a new venture.

Soon it was just after 4.30pm and the front door opened and in walked
Gerry. Cup of tea would be great" he said, my reply being "make your bloody
own I'm shagged with all the moving and lifting" Mam had made a stew and
was warming it up on the stove for our teas. Gerry came upstairs and gave
me a bear hug, a tight hug, as he was a big guy. "How's your day been then"
Jason he said to me. I thought today has been a nightmare and I was back to
work tomorrow 9am till 6pm. "Oh not too bad, but tea and a good sit down
would be great" I said.

After tea Gerry took mam and dad home while I stayed un-packing more
boxes. Gerry didn't have much in the way of anything really. He had lived
away from his parents for about six months a few years back, but for a good
while he just lived with his mam and dad. I guess he was a bit of a
mother's boy really. You wouldn't see it looking at him as he looked quite
rough round the edges. He had a bit of a temper; I'd seen flashes of it but
nothing major. I had met Gerry one night while out on my own. There I was
propping the bar up in the Blue Bar, a bit worse for wear, when he tripped
on the bar stool leg were I was sat and went his full length, it was so
funny, I nearly pissed myself laughing. "Whooooh man" I said, "are you okay
mate" as I helped him up. "Shit he said, I wish this place was a bit
lighter" his specs in his hand snapped in two. "Id sue the gits, " I said
joking. "Here let me buy you a drink I said" "Oh cheers he replied, Gin and
Tonic please". We introduced ourselves and chatted for a while and got on
like a house on fire, he asked if I was married or had a girlfriend, so I
told him my story as he seemed so easy to talk to. The night came to a
close, he gave me his number and asked me to call him and we said we'd meet
up same pub on Saturday night 7pm.

Things went really quick from that moment. We weren't the most likely of
couples. I was 25 and he 32. I looked so young as I always had. While Gerry
looked 10 years older than 32! But I look back on it now as if nothing else
it was a learning curve. I shared a lot of heartache within the
relationship but also had so un-miss able fun times and nights out. Gerry
introduced me to gay pubs. Something I never knew existed. I thought the
gay world was the best thing ever. All these other guys all dancing
together and snogging and getting their dicks out in the toilets WOW this
was another world for me. I felt I had lived such a sheltered life, Id done
everything by the book that my parents told me to do, but Gerry was
different! He had seen life and grabbed it by the neck and enjoyed its
pleasures without hesitation.

I remember the first time Gerry took me to a gay bar. It was surreal
compare to straight places Id always know, people of all ages, a lot of
fairy's (camp guys). A lot of older guys with very young boys I remember
one guy with a glass eye, he was at the centre of a crowd and dancing with
all the young ones. Out the corner of my eye I noticed a guy with a
stripped shirt and the look of Neil Tennant from the Pet Shop Boys. He was
lovely. I felt instantly attracted to him. But I was on Gerry's arm and
that's the way it stayed for almost eight years. I don't believe that I had
true love with Gerry, it was intense sometimes and I often wondered what
would of happened it Id met a different guy. Most of the relationship I
often would long to be with another, as I felt trapped and I wasn't being
true to myself and my feelings, It was less than a year since my marriage
had broken down and I was in another relationship!

At home with my parents was in so many words quite strict. Certain things
were done in certain ways; mam was the boss as dad was a very quiet man,
and a man of few words. I was close to my dad when I was younger, as I
neared sixteen I felt I got on with mam much better. Her and I would have
many conversations about all sorts of things, where as dad didn't discuss
many things at all. I started work a week after leaving school; I got a job
working in a new store in town Better Buys, it was July 1980. It was a
meaningless job when I look back, collecting trolleys. It felt good at
first and having a wage packet was great, all $28 pounds a week my own
money that I could do with as I wanted.  I paid mam $10 board. Being a
quiet person I soon made new friends and started to get o with my life,
going out and drinking. Then I became a MOD with a fishtail parker,
straight ties, two tone trousers etc all my mates at the time were the
same. Some bought Lambrettas and Vespas and we'd cruise around town.  The
film Quadrophenia was the in film to watch at the cinema, I loved it. There
were so really great times back then.

After Id been working for a year or so, I asked a girl out called Dianne.
She was sixteen and I seventeen. We went on a date and hit it off. I
remember how nervous I was and shitting myself. But Di was a really quiet
girl who eased my nerves to ease. She had a brother called Trevor a year
younger than her and her mam and dad were in there fifties. She lived in a
better area of the town than I did. French Gate Hill. Everyone called it
Hungry Hill, as people where all show and no knickers...! The Smiths had to
be better than the Jones's all the time. Her parents had bought the house
when property was cheap in the seventies. But her dad had a bad knee and
lost his job because he'd been on the sick for a good while and couldn't
work on a building site anymore. I was greeted into the family and became
like another son to her mam and dad. We stayed together and became an
item. Over the seven And a half years that we were together, we shared
life's up and downs, got engaged and eventually married. She was my soul
mate; my everything and I really loved her. But in the back of my mind,
hidden in a dark corner lurked a devil of disguise. The real Jason Burry.

What do I mean by the real Jason burry you may ask. Well, for many years
now I have felt attracted towards men, especially guys my own age. But I
was in a relationship with Dianne and very happy too. Or so I thought!

One night Di was at friends. I went out with Trevor and another friend Bob,
we went to a straight nightclub and I bumped into a guy from work,
Julian. He was really camp and everyone knew he was gay; he was so over the
top though. Trevor and Bob were taking the piss out of him, but I had to go
over and say hi. We got chatting and I asked about another guy at work, to
see if he was gay too. He said no, he'd tried it with him and got turned
down. Then asked me to follow him in a few minutes. I was puzzled but
followed anyway. We went into the men's toilets, and I followed him into a
cubicle. I was still slightly puzzled, this is before I knew anything about
guys and toilets and cottaging! Anyway before I knew anymore he was undoing
his flies and pulled he dick out, it was huge. There he was wearing a green
checked shirt and light blue jeans, nice whiff of polo aftershave and
chewing some gum. Julian was ginger all the way down and especially his
pubes. He asked if I liked what I saw. I was as nervous as hell. In fact I
can't ever remember being this nervous. This wasn't really my idea of a
good time. I was used to doing it in a bed, or rather my single bed at my
parents house. But this was different. In a toilet cubicle, straight
nightclub, Trevor and Bob not far away and people banging on the door
wanting a crap, or to spew there rings up. No, this wasn't how I ever
imagined my first experience of gay sex.

Julian put my hand on his throbbing dick and I wanked him off, he came all
over my shirt, he was rubbing my jeans but my dick wasn't going any were. I
just couldn't bring myself to get a hard on. My mind was reeling. I was
scared. I was cheating on Di. I felt sick to the stomach. Julian pulled his
pants up, kissed me on the cheek and told me to wait a few minuets before I
followed him out. I said okay. I closed the door behind him. Sat on the
toilet seat and put my head into my hands. I felt so dirty, used and
horrible. I had done something that had always been in the back of my
mind. I'd had that first homosexual experience.

I must have dosed off because the next thing I was aware of was Trevor's
voice "Jason, Jason are you in here" I heard his voice from outside the
toilet. I shouted back "yeah I'm in here, I've thrown up, must have had a
bad pint" Trevor said, "okay man, see you outside then, were going soon as
its nearly 2am" I replied " Yeah ok Trev"

Outside Bob had flagged a taxi down and I was climbing into the back
seat. "You okay man" asked Bob, "think so" I blabbed, still not believing
what I had done.

I awoke to the sound of the alarm clock flashing. I'd forgotten to disable
the alarm clock. It was 7:50am on Sunday 22nd March 1987 I reckon I will
ever forget last night!

I tried to go off back to sleep but I couldn't. I lay there thinking about
things for a while. What and how would I face Di this afternoon? I feel so
ashamed of myself, yet so good that I had finally tempted fate. I had done
something totally out of character. I'd had a one-night stand.

I got up around 9am went down to the kitchen for breakfast. Mam and dad
were almost finished theirs. We chatted as we did every morning. I got
ready and went out on my bicycle for a while to clear my head. Mam and dad
thankfully didn't suspect anything different. In many ways I wished my
parents had been more open then as they are now. If that had been the case
I'd of told them about my feelings of men etc. But dad always came across
as a man's man and mam and I couldn't hurt them. Being an only one can be
pretty lonely at times. I'd had a brother or sister maybe things would have
been easier. But really, is there an easy way to say to your folks "Hey mam
and dad I'm a happy homosexual"? What is there to be happy about?

After lunch it was time to cycle to Dianne's parents house. It was a cold
afternoon and I wrapped up well. The wind was against me as I rode. Turning
the corner to Eskdine Road, my stomach turned. I felt dizzy and a sick
feeling came over me. I rode down her parents drive, to the back gate. It
was open. I placed my bike against the back wall as I always did. I took a
deep breath and knocked on the back door. I could hear music coming from
Trevor's room, Rush - Spirit of the Radio, one of my favourite songs at the
time. My mind wandered for a while and I temporally forgot what was on my
mind. Then Dianne opened the door. She looked lovely as she always
did. Dressed in figure hugging jeans, small grey boots, a pink t - shirt
and smelling of Avon's Odyssey perfume. She always wore this and I can
still small it now. I always bought it for her.

She greeted me with her usual smile and I said "hello Di" I could hear
Trevor arguing with her dad in the background shouting "turn the bloody
music down, I can't hear the telly for you". The moment quietened and I
took my coat off as I said hello to Joan, Di's mam.

Di gave me a big hug and asked if I was okay after throwing up in the club
the night before; Trevor had told her all about it, I said I was okay
now. I asked Di if she fancied a walk to brush the cobwebs off, she agreed
and off we went. We went for walks a lot while I was with Di. I'd passed my
driving test but couldn't afford a car on my wages. I rode my bike to work
and all over the place, that was my way of life then I guess. I was quite
fit, no six pack but fit all the same, 30" waist etc. Dianne was also fit
and slim. As we walked hand in hand, I told her of the nightclub and I'd
seen a few people from work. I was testing the water, on how I could
possibly bring up the subject of gay people etc. Something in me told me I
had to tell her everything. But we were engaged and were planning the
wedding for next year. Although I loved her very much and dreaded hurting
her, this want in me wanted to be out. It was screaming and screaming and
the feelings were getting stronger no matter how I tried to hide them. We
sat on a seat overlooking some fields. Our hands freezing as the wind
chilled our bones.

I said "Di, what are your views on homosexuals"? She turned to me, looking
very surprised "where did that come from?" she added. I was trying to piece
things together of how to put this. "Well, if someone you knew very well,
someone who you loved very much, had done something - how would you
react?". She looked at me even more puzzled than before. Then her face
saddened from her beaming smile of contentment "Have you done something,
Jason" She said "Oh god, please don't tell me Jason, you have someone else"
tears filled her eyes. "No...no, its not that Dianne, oh shit this is
awful, I feel like crap" I replied.


E-mail: smiles_51@lycos.co.uk