Date: Mon, 23 Aug 2004 21:04:06 -0600
From: dragonwriter@comcast.net
Subject: Josh's Journey 16: Confessions

This chapter is going to be emotional, so go get the tissue box NOW! My
love and my heart goes out to all of you who wrote me to tell me you were
survivors of child abuse. Even though I wrote this story, I cannot conceive
of ever hurting a child! For those of you that are a bit squeamish: be
warned, Kel's father was NOT a very nice man. Okay! On with the show!

Josh's Journey: Confessions


	Kel's voice, which had been the only sound in the room, tapered
off. He studied his lap as if he'd never seen it before, his fingers
plucking nervously at his pants leg: the gesture of a restless ex smoker, I
thought wryly. Without a word I reached forward to the table and picked up
a pen and handed it to him. He smiled and tapped it against his leg.

	We were alone in the conference room of the pysch ward. Alejhandro
and Dr. Reicher had left us there after the last meeting. Most of the day
had been spent there in one conference after another. Plans and decisions
and recommendations for Kel had swirled past me until I couldn't breathe; I
felt as if all the oxygen in the room was being sucked out, my hands
gripped the chair arms until they were white.

	"LEAVE HIM ALONE! MAYBE IF YOU DIDN'T HAMMER AT HIM CONSTANTLY, KEL
WOULD BE OKAY," I wanted to scream, listening to doctors and therapists
decide the course of my lover's life for the next several weeks or possibly
years to hear them talk.

	I'm sure that Alejhandro felt the vibes I was giving off by the way
he kept his eyes on me and I knew that would be a topic for conversation
soon. Another therapist must have been feeling it as well, because she kept
glancing at me. I hadn't felt that tense since I left home, and for the
first time in years, I wanted to throw things. But the rational side of my
brain held me firmly in check: a tantrum would impress no one.

	Kel's hand creeped slowly, almost hesitantly, across his leg and up
onto my hand. As always, the touch of his hand was was a comfort and a
pleasure. I relaxed and slumped back into the chair. My hand twisted around
and gripped his tightly. I remembered the first time I had held that hand:
at the club, the night after he had left this very ward. I remembered how
thin it had been. Absently, I turned his hand over and stroked the palm
with my thumb, Kel shivered in pleasure and his eyes sparkled.

	I had never truly understood the line "edited for content" until
now. It seem as if everyone was saying the same thing over and over again
and it all boiled down to Kel needed intensive therapy. And a lot of love,
I thought to myself. Where was that in all these plans and decisions? Where
was love?

	His hand tightened around mine and I looked down at his delicate,
long fingered hand, so pale and fragile in my copper palm. This was where
the love was, I thought suddenly, right here in my hand. Thank God I had
such big hands! The thought made me smile for the first time that day.

	The night before I had finally got the chance to introduce Mama to
Kel. It was after visiting hours but the nurses took pity on us and gave us
a little extra time. Mama studied the ward as she followed me to Kel's
room, her eyes appraising but I felt the tension in her body. She was as
upset by it as I was. Mama took one long look at Kel, taking in his
thinness and delicacy; the sorrow in his eyes and the lost feeling
surrounding him and gathered him into her arms.

	"My boy, my new son," she murmured softly.

	Kel looked thunderstruck. Over Mama's head his eyes met mine, the
question he was thinking clearly written in them. Did she really mean he
was being accepted as a son? I nodded and smiled tenderly at him. He looked
back at Mama, who stepped back half a step and laid her hand on his
cheek. Mama was almost the same height as Kel; she kissed him softly on his
cheek.

	"Such a pretty man, but so sad." She shook her head. "If Josh
weren't already here to do it, I would wrap you up in a blanket and take
you home myself. Poor lost child."

	Kel's eyes filled with tears. "Thank you," he whispered.

	Mama smiled and caressed his cheek. Watching her, I suddenly
understood why I made that same gesture. I remembered the feel of her hand
and the feeling of comfort and love and "it was going to be all right" that
simple gesture conveyed. Mama hugged Kel again.

	"Call me Mama, same as the rest of my boys," Mama said with a
smile.

	Tears spilled down Kel's face. "Mama," he said softly. Mama smiled
and nodded.

	We spent nearly an hour in Kel's room just talking and enjoying
each other's company. Kel told Mama about the last few months and we
laughed at some things and cried at some others. It didn't seem at all
strange to me to be sitting on a hospital bed, Kel tucked safely into the
curve of my arm and Mama sitting on a chair smiling at us both.

	Shortly before 10 pm there was a quiet rap on the door and a head
popped through. It was the older nurse, the one that reminded me of
Mama. She was apologetic about asking us to leave but both Mama and I
scrambled to our feet and made our own apologies. There was more hugging
and tears flowing before we left. I held Kel in my arms, his arms wrapped
around my neck.

	"My Kel, my darling, my treasure," I murmured softly in his
ear. "Only a few more days and then we won't be saying goodbye. I'll hold
you all night and keep you safe."

	Kel smiled and nodded, his eyes filled with tears. I caressed his
cheek, my finger lightly teasing his ear lobe. I could feel his pulse
against my pinky. My Sunrise ring glittered against his cheek: my promise
to always take care of him. He shivered in pleasure.

	 "I look forward to it," he whispered.

	At the ward door, I stopped and looked back. Kel was leaning
against the door to his room, arms crossed, watching us. I remembered that
first night at the club, when he had been standing in almost the same
position as I left the club.  Slowly he brought his palm to his mouth,
kissed it and then blew me a kiss. He smiled again. My throat clogged up
and for a moment I thought I was going to burst into tears. I smiled and
touched my lips with the tips of my fingers. Kel nodded and pushed off from
the door and disappeared into his room. I followed Mama out into the hall.

	The next day started early; as usual I was up with the sun, even
though it was going to be a long day of meetings relating to Kel's release
from the hospital. Leaning against the window watching the sun come up and
nursing a cup of coffee, I wondered how many people had stood here before
me, feeling the same kind of pain I was feeling. A pair of arms wrapped
around my chest and tightened, pulling me back against a solid chest. I
leaned back, my head resting on his shoulder; curly blond hair teased my
cheek.

	"Goo mor'in," Xan said his monotone voice rumbling through the
quiet.

	I reached up and stroked his cheek. What would I have done this
week without him? I had no idea, but I would be eternally grateful that I
had never had to find out. We had slept the last two nights with his arms
around me as we balanced on a pair of pushed together couches. He had been
waiting for me in the hall, the night before, when Mama and I had come from
visiting Kel. His arms and quiet comfort had been just the thing I had
needed then. Now with the rising sun and the anxiety about what was going
today, he was again just the thing I needed. Xan let go and stepped
backwards, I turned and put my hand on his shoulder.

	"Thank you," I whispered. He smiled and stroked my cheek.

	Mama and the kids showed up a few minutes later and as we were
going downstairs to get breakfast, we met Nina and dragged her along with
us. Mama and Jem were staying at Colin's. Colin had generously given Fen
the time off from school so long as she kept up with her homework. After
eating we returned upstairs to the conference room and discovered Officer
Morgan chatting amiably with a lab tech.

	"Ah, there you are Josh," she said turning and holding her hand out
to me. Officer Morgan was a small woman with nicely rounded curves, brown
hair and a lively smile.

	"Office Morgan, what are you doing here?" I asked my heart beating
rapidly in an unreasonable fear for Kel.

	"Good news for a change," she said with a smile. "First of all, let
me extend my condolences on your recent troubles."

	"Thank you," I said softly. I made a quick introduction to
everyone.

	"How did you know to find me here?" I asked after the introductions
were made.

	"I went to your apartment first," she answered with a smile. "I'm
afraid I woke your roommate up, but he told me where you were."

	"Anyway," Officer Morgan continued, "we have apprehended your note
writer." She waved her hands in front of her face as we pelted her with
questions. "Before you get the congratulations out, let me say it was quite
by accident."

	She looked around and I hurriedly offered her a seat on one of the
couches. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Jem writing furiously on my pad
for Xan. Fen was chewing a cuticle and bouncing from one foot to the
other. Mama sat down on the couch by Officer Morgan and gestured to Nina to
sit by her. I dragged a chair over and straddled it backwards facing the
officer.

	"One of my fellow officers picked up a rather loud drunk on a
disorderly charge. Would the name Matthew Reynolds mean anything to you?"

	"MATT!" I exclaimed. Matt from the club, Matt who had tried to warn
me but I had brushed it off as a drunken, jealous queen.

	"Ahh, then you do know him." Officer Morgan said. I gave her a
quick explanation of how I knew him and repeated the incident back in
September or October. She took several notes on a small pad of paper.

	"Well," she said looking up at me. "He was picked up quite drunk
and making loud threats outside the home of another object of his
affection. When he was searched they found an unsealed envelope with your
address and name on it. Inside was a card saying "Beware, hide your knives"
on it."

	Nina started and made a small-strangled sob. She jumped to her
feet, her eyes wide in fear and practically ran out of the room. Mama stood
up and followed her. Officer Morgan watched them leave; her eyes returned
to me.

	"My lover's mother, there was some trouble in the past involving
her son and a knife. Her husband was an extremely abusive man." I watched
Officer Morgan, my eyes daring her to question further.

	But she didn't, she just nodded. Maybe being a cop, she had seen
more than her share of trouble and violence and was unwilling to borrow
more. Xan's hand lightly stroked my shoulder. I looked up grateful for his
presence; I would never be able to thank him enough for all he had done.

	"One of the arresting officers is a friend of mine, and he
remembered me mentioning your case. Cases such as yours are usually cracked
by coincidence such as this. As soon as we questioned him, Reynolds folded
and confessed to an undying love of you and fear for your future." Officer
Morgan's eyes danced and it occurred to me that she probably already knew
what had happened with Kel and his dad. Maybe she had more details than I
did at this point. I clenched and unclenched my fist.

	"Anyway, we are holding him for 24 hours 'til he sobers up, but he
hasn't done anything that we can hold him for any longer than that. But if
you wish to come down to the station, you can fill out a statement and he
will be charged with harassment."

	I nodded and thanked her for coming. We chatted for a few minutes
longer, and then she left. Jem wrapped his arm around my shoulders. Fen
leaned against his other shoulder, looking surprisingly delicate against my
broad shouldered brother.

	"What're you going to do, Josh?" He asked, his face troubled.

	I hugged him. "I don't know, I need to think about it. Ask Kel what
he thinks. Ask Alejhandro. He really didn't hurt anyone but he scared Kel
very badly."

	Fen made a soft noise and Jem hugged her. Xan watched everything
with cool appraising eyes. He nodded and wrote on the pad.

	"You go.. be with Kel. I take the kids out. We go grab a bite or
somethin."

	I smiled and signed "Thank you".

	Out in the hall I met Mama and Nina. Mama told me that Nina hadn't
been told about the threatening letters and when Officer Morgan had
mentioned knives she panicked. I apologized profusely: I had had no idea
that Kel hadn't told her about the notes. Nina nodded and I hugged
her. Mama took her to get a cup of coffee before the first conference
dealing with Kel was to begin. I glanced at my watch, I would have about an
hour to spend with Kel before then.

	The hall outside the psych ward was empty and I was let in promptly
when I rang the buzzer: all quiet inside this morning. Micah was just
leaving as I showed up. He was looking spectacular as usual. And to my
surprise he was completely sober. He nodded and murmured my name in
passing.

	Kel didn't volunteer what they talked about and I didn't ask,
instead we spent the hour talking. "Tell me about Alberta," he had said and
so I did. Talking about the openness of the prairie and the way the sky
stretches out and wraps around the horizon made me feel homesick in a way I
had never thought I would feel again. I had left home believing I would
never want to return and now I found myself yearning for the freedom of the
open prairie, a bedroll and my favorite horse.

	Discussing my hometown with Kel was so relaxing and so enjoyable
that it seemed I'd hardly started when Dr. Reicher appeared in the door to
escort us to the first meeting. The rest of the morning and into the
afternoon was spent in meetings. I had never been involved in the treatment
of a traumatic medical issue before and God willing I would never be
involved again. It was an endless stream of doctors and therapists making
decisions and virtually controlling Kel like a marionette. Questions were
tossed back and forth: was Kel able to live in his house, would he need a
caretaker, should he be released into his mother's care? Could he handle
his own medications? It seemed as if every aspect of his life was being
examined and questioned. Things he had been doing for himself for years
were minutely examined.

	My own frustrations at the illegitimacy of our relationship, at
least as far as the State of Washington was concerned, made it all the
harder to sit there and listen to people talk to Nina, ask Nina questions
and debate whether he should be allowed to return to his home or to her
home. To be so cut out of the picture tore at my heart and made my gut
churn.

	Through the most of it, Kel sat impassive, staring at the window
across from him. It was only near the end of the last meeting that he
stirred himself and shyly took my hand. The tension flowed out of me and I
was able to hear Nina insisting that Kel be allowed to go home. She was
certain that sending him to a behavioral hospital was not going to do him
any good, and she was quite adamant about him not being separated from
me. I was certain that the hospital staff or at least Dr. Reicher knew that
her husband would not be pleased at all to have Kel in his home.

	"Josh is the best thing in my son's life," she said softly. "I know
because I have seen the worst. I will NOT allow you or anyone else to split
them up."

	The hospital psychiatrist was quick to deny trying to split us
up. Alejhandro also seconded Nina's assessment of our relationship, as did
Dr. Reicher. Dr Reicher reiterated that she felt Kel could go home with
minimal supervision, meaning me when I wasn't at work, as long as he kept
his appointments with the therapist.

	"Why don't you say anything?" I whispered to Kel.

	Kel shrugged, "Wouldn't change their minds, if I did. The best way
is to agree to everything and then when I get home live MY life again."

	Finally after much discussion and in my opinion, needless
repetition, it was decided that Kel would remain in the hospital one more
complete day. He would be released Friday the 9th in the morning. By then
hospital staff would have a chance to look over his house and decide if
there appeared to be any threats to his safety there, as well as time to
get him set up with an appointment with Ms. Caulder, the therapist
Alejhandro was recommending. I didn't like the idea of some stranger pawing
through Kel's house, but he seemed resigned to it. I made a mental note to
have Xan or Kaleb run out there that night and put the naked pictures of us
someplace out of sight. It was a piece of my life I had no desire to share
with strangers.

	Finally after much talking, we were left alone. Kel was pale and
shaky and for a long time I just held him, sitting on the soft leather
couch.  Kel's head lay against my shoulder; gently I stroked his arms and
back. I wanted to shield him from harm; protect him from whatever might try
to hurt him. Neither of us spoke, I think we both craved peace and the
silence of just being together. Kel stirred finally and slid out of my
lap. He crossed his legs and studied my face.

	"Someday I pray, peace will find me," he said softly, uncannily
reading my mind. "You know that prayer? The one that says Lord give me the
the serenity to accept what I can't change, strength to change what I can
change, and the wisdom to be able to tell the difference. So many times I
have whispered that in the dark."

	"But I think peace has to come from inside, when one acquires the
wisdom to accept oneself. Wisdom comes from experience, I am told, and
experience comes from living. And living is something I am supremely fond
of.." Kel's voice tapered off.

	"I suppose that's a strange thing to say considering how many times
I have tried to kill myself, but truly I love being alive. Feeling the sun
and hearing all the sounds of the city. Enjoying the company of a special
person.."

	Kel tapped the pen against his leg. He held it between his index
and middle fingers like a cigarette. I was almost willing to go buy him a
pack of smokes if it would help make it easier for him to talk. But instead
I stood up and went to the coffee pot.

	"One with milk for me and one black for you," I said softly,
handing him the cup.

	Kel smiled and took the cup from me. He tipped his head and inhaled
a long, deep breath. Dark curly hair brushed his cheek, he looked so sweet
and fragile. I sat down carefully beside him, his eyes were on me:
glittering and so green.

	"I don't know what Mom told you," he said softly. "So I guess I'll
begin at the beginning."

	He took a deep breath, "I was born in 1962, my Mom was barely
16. You've seen her: a tiny, fragile woman married to a big, loud, abusive
man. I was all right I guess, as an infant and Mom says Dad treated us both
quite good at that time. But shortly after I turned three, I started acting
strangely. I told you about my eating habits, all children put everything
in their mouth but I was "obsessed", if you will, with eating things like
paper, pencils, rocks..." He shivered. "Glass."

	"I also became emotionally unstable at the same time. I would be
happy, mad, sad the whole run in a couple minutes. When I became upset, I
was often uncontrollable and I hurt myself many times pounding on things."
He studied his hand and I had a flash of him pounding on the wall after
Christmas, blood splattered across the paint. How many times had that
happened in the past?

	"Well, the '60s not being a time of real openness about mental
illness it was easier and safer, for me at least, to be "put away". And
well, back then they really didn't have any medicine to give me but
tranquilizers, I suspect I slept most of my childhood away. Maybe that's
why I like cartoons and video games so much as an adult." He looked up at
me and grinned. I nodded and smiled back. Kel 's mouth twisted and he
became sober again.

	"I don't know if she told you or not, but Mom suffered a nervous
breakdown at the same time and we were both institutionalized. Not together
though, maybe they were worried she'd hurt me or maybe they just didn't
want to deal with it. I don't know."

	"She was very young, Kel," I said softly. "She wasn't much older
than Jem is or even Fen really."

	Kel nodded. "It has taken me many years to understand that. I just
wonder why? Why? Why didn't she protect me?"

	I chewed my lip. I didn't want to contradict him, but I didn't want
him to continue to think she didn't care. Kel was silent, lost in his
thoughts, I suppose. I reached out and stroked his cheek, then tipped his
head up.

	"Kel," I said softly. "I don't want you to think I am rejecting
you, but she has tried to protect you. She continues to protect you by
keeping Joe away and by giving you a house that is paid for."

	Kel opened his mouth to speak. I laid a finger softly on his
lips. Leaning forward, I kissed his forehead.

	"I had a long conversation with her a couple nights ago. Do you
remember a time, it would have been when you were about 12 and winter, you
lived at Mrs. Witsky's house for a week?" He nodded and I went on, "You
were recovering from one hell of a beating and so was your mother. She
carried you semiconscious, Kel, barefoot with eyes almost swollen shut
through snow, through that hedge to Mrs. Witsky's house. God alone knows
how she found the strength, but she did."

	Kel's face paled and he swallowed, "I don't remember that part."

	"No," I said softly. "You told me your brain doesn't always process
information like mine or your Mom's does. Maybe you just haven't always
recognized her efforts."

	Kel looked thoughtful. Then he grinned: that beautiful sun bright
grin of his. My shoulders felt like a giant weight had been lifted and one
of the knots in my belly relaxed. How I loved this man!

	"That's basically what therapists have been telling me for years,
but for some reason coming from you, it sounds more reasonable than it has
before." He grinned in mischief. "Maybe I am just blinded by lust!"

	"Hmm so well, I already told you about my teens and about all the
abuse." He sighed. "So I suppose this is it, I have to tell you about my
dad."

	He looked at me; his eyes were clear and direct with no trace of
sadness or fear. The lack of emotion in them scared me. Fear I could
understand, anger I could understand, but lack of any emotion chilled me to
the bone. I swallowed and squeezed his thigh. He glanced down then back up,
a stray curl falling across his eye. He was resigned to what might happen
next.

	"He's dead, Josh."

	"I know," I said softly.

	"She told you?"

	"No, I told her. I put several pieces together and I don't know if
you've ever noticed but you always refer to him in the past. It's always he
did or he was, that kind of thing."

 	"Oh," Kel frowned. "It's funny but, I don't even know WHERE he's
buried, Mom won't tell me. Maybe she's afraid I'll try to dig him up." He
shivered and sipped his coffee.

	"I killed him, Josh." He held up his hand, "Hear me out. Please? It
was him or me, I'm honestly convinced he'd have killed me if I hadn't moved
first. His violence towards me had been escalating as I approached adult
hood, maybe he needed to still be able to beat me to feel in control of me,
I don't know. But the day after my 18th birthday, I came home from, I don't
remember where there are gaps in my memory, you'll understand why in a
minute. Anyway I came home and he grabbed me, wanted me to suck him I
think, and I shook him off. I told him I was an adult now and I didn't have
to put up with his abuse anymore!"

	Kel's eyes filled with tears, "I understand now that that wasn't
remotely the way to handle the situation, but hell I was only EIGHTEEN!" He
face was a mask of fury, his hands clenched, I was afraid he'd crush the
coffee cup he still held, but he didn't. My heart was pounding loud enough
to hear.  He sipped his coffee and sighed. "He blew up, screaming and
swearing, he grabbed me and slammed me back into the wall, then threw me
across the room."

	"God damn!" I swore and clenched my hands . My stomach was tied up
in knots.

	"Remember I told you I got thrown down the stairs? This was when
that happened, I hit the bottom and snapped my right wrist and cracked my
head on the floor. I was trying to get up when he grabbed me by the hair
and slammed my head into the floor twice. I must have passed out because I
don't remember anything after that for sometime. The carpet there now is
new, the old stuff was kind of threadbare and well now it was covered in
blood from my nose breaking. "

	I made a low growling noise and pulled Kel into my arms. His coffee
slopped on my hip but I didn't care. Kel was shaking and for a long moment
I just held him, stroking his back.

	"When I came to, I had blood and snot crusted on my face, my head
hurt like a train was running through it, my wrist throbbed and I was
bleeding from a half dozen places where I'd been scratched or bitten, one
of them was my hip." He swallowed and whispered, "There was blood on the
insides of my legs. I had no idea where that came from and I was
petrified. My gut and lower back hurt like hell from his fists; by the time
I got to the hospital I was a patchwork quilt of bruises. I remember
crawling upstairs, I was looking for Mom. But she wasn't home and when I
couldn't find her I got really terrified. My head hurt so bad.."

	Kel started to cry. I took his coffee and set it on the floor. I
rocked him softly. My hands stroked his arms as I whispered softly in his
ear. I was crying almost as hard as Kel. Slowly he stopped shaking and sat
up again. He smiled and stroked my chest.

	"You are the crazy one, Josh, for staying here. I don't know why,
you do."

	"I love you," I said simply, wiping his face with my fingers.

	Kel nodded and slid out of my lap. He walked around the table and
across the room to the window. I slid to the very edge of the couch and
watched him look out the window. He turned around and looked at me.

	"I found him.. sleeping on the couch. I tried to wake him, to tell
him I needed to go to the doctor. I was dying, I told him. He pushed me
away, causing me to hit my head again, and told me to leave him alone, he
was tired of my crazy stories."

	"The son of a..." I swore shooting to my feet. I shot around the
end of the table and gathered Kel into my arms. I was furious! I couldn't
imagine treating another person like that much less your OWN child! Kel
leaned against me for a minute, then pulled away.

	"I was terrified and sick, I had thrown up several times,
concussion you know." I nodded and he went on," I guess the way I saw it
was that it wasn't fair I was going to die and he was going to
live. Somehow I managed to get into the kitchen and found a butcher
knife. I don't remember actually stabbing him, I think I passed out
afterwards, but I remember looking around and seeing blood everywhere and
puke all over me and being terrified of what Mom was going to say! She was
such an immaculate housekeeper."

	"I tried to clean it up but obviously I couldn't and after passing
out again I called the operator for help. Then passed out again."

	Kel studied his hands. When he looked up at me his eyes were filled
with tears and his lower lip quivered. I put my hand on his arm, he
flinched, then shook his head. I pulled my hand back sharply and hugged
myself. Tears were flowing out of my eyes as well and I had the sudden
desire to run for Mama. Where was my Kel, the loving, gentle man I knew?
Even though I had told Nina and she had confirmed it, it really hadn't sunk
in until now: Kel had killed someone. Part of me said he had been pushed to
it, but another part just kept chanting 'killer, killer'. My heart was
pounding like I'd run a marathon. I wanted to run away, I wanted to find
Mama, find Xan, have them make it better. I didn't want to be in love with
a MURDERER!

	"I think I woke up when I was being loaded into the ambulance, I
remember red and white splashes of color. I remember being in the emergency
room and hearing the nurses talking, I don't think they knew I was
conscious. One said "Dear God, how can he still be alive!" Kel's voice
broke and for a minute all he could do was cry. My own tears were falling
fast as a waterfall. He looked up at me, his lip quivered again. "I
remember thinking 'BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE DEAD!' I wanted to yell it but I
couldn't. Mom got there at some point, God I don't even know how much
later. Time is all screwed up for me. But I remember her asking me
something and I hear myself saying 'I don't want to be dead Mom, dead's all
gone. I want to be in the sun.'"

	Kel was sobbing and shaking now. He looked up at me with that
sweet, lost look on his face that had melted my heart so many times in the
past; it melted it now as well.  This was MY Kel, loving, gentle and
caring. My Kel who sat in a cold, wet driveway all day to make sure a
nursing stray cat would get a decent meal for a change. My Kel who tumbled
out of bed at 3 am to go rescue a hung over ex-lover. My Kel who washed
laundry in the middle of the night for me, whose green eyes laughed at me
and whose smile made my heart pound and my cock harden. This was MY man,
warts and all!

	I gathered him into my arms and held him as he cried. His body was
so tense it was like caressing a statue. I crooned softly in his ear
through my own tears. I couldn't imagine what he had been through! I had
concussed my head when I was 12, falling off a horse. The pain had been
almost unbearable, but to have had your head slammed at least four times,
my stomach rolled over and threatened to heave up.

	Kel shuddered and relaxed against me. For a while neither of us
moved, then I felt movement and looked down. He was looking up at me, his
eyes searched mine. Was he looking for signs of disgust, I wondered. I
stroked his cheek lightly. He leaned into my hand and shut his eyes.

	"I don't want you to think that I believed I had done the right
thing," he said finally. "I knew I had done wrong, but I was terrified and
hurting and my brains had been scrambled. For awhile there was some concern
that I would be blinded on one side but my vision recovered. I am
classified as brain injured on top of being schizophrenic and manic
depressive."

	Kel sighed and looked away from me out the window. "Just what I
needed: another label separating me from everyone else."

	He continued after a moment, "My dad's throat was practically
ripped out. Like I said I don't remember doing it, maybe it was the only
place I could get to while he slept, but blood had sprayed
everywhere. Blood I still see in my dreams!"

	"Kel," I murmured.

	"Oh Josh, so many times I have wanted to tell you, but I couldn't:
I was so afraid. I didn't think you'd stay with me, if I told you."

	I let go of him and stepped back. My heart was pounding and my head
was aching from crying. Unreasonably I was also hurt, hurt that he couldn't
trust me. Even though part of me understood why he felt that way, another
part of deeply hurt. Kel must have seen it in my eyes.

	"Josh?" He said softly. "What's wrong? What have I done?"

	"You didn't trust me!" I said abruptly. Kel looked puzzled, then
scared.

	"I'm sorry." I said. "I didn't mean that. Well not the way it came
out.." I paused, then stepped forward and laid my hand against his cheek.

	"Kel, my darling, my treasure, I wish you had told me sooner. Maybe
we wouldn't be standing here if you had."

	Kel's gaze was calm and direct, he locked eyes with me. "And if I
had told you? Would you still be here or anywhere with me for that matter?
Tell me the truth."

	"I.." I paused. Would I still be with him? I didn't know. I was
scared, terrified actually and I was also angry, and full of sorrow and
just confused. I didn't how I felt except that I loved Kel.

	"You're right," I said softly. " I can't promise, I wouldn't have
panicked and taken off. It's just- argghh I wish we were almost anywhere
other than here!"

	Kel nodded. "Me too, Josh, me too."

	"I was in the hospital ICU for a month I guess," Kel
continued. "Then I was transferred to the psych ward, this one actually,
where I waited until I went to trial. Mom found me a good defense attorney
and he made quite an impression on the judge. Police records of domestic
disturbance, medical evidence of what I looked like when I arrived at the
hospital, doctor evidence of a lifetime of suspected abuse, evidence from
people-neighbors, teachers- swearing to abuse , pictures of me taken at the
hospital. You know what it feels like to see my back for the first
time. Powerful stuff. This was 1980, when people were just starting to
decide that maybe abuse shouldn't be ignored."

	"I never actually went to trial. I don't remember what its called
but it was decided I was sort of guilty and sort of not. Diminished
capacity, maybe? Well anyway, I spent a year in the high security locked
ward at the prison, then another year in the minimum security psych ward. I
spent two years in hell. Maybe that's why when I feel myself start to come
apart again, I try to end it all. I don't EVER want to be back in there
again."

	Kel sighed, his fingers traced patterns on the table top. I wrapped
my arm around his shoulders and just held him. He leaned back against me
and sighed again.

	"God, you feel so good, Josh," he whispered, his hands sliding up
my arms. I smiled and nibbled on his ear.

	"When I got out Mom told me she had gotten remarried. Which hurt
me. I had been looking forward to having her to myself for the first time
in my life. HE wouldn't be always yelling at her to come do something for
him."

	"And now there were strangers in my house. Actually, Kevin and I
took to one another quite quickly, but Joe-? Joe never could get past the
thought that I had already killed one father. He treats me politely but he
never turns his back on me."

	"Kel," I murmured softly in his ear. He leaned his head against my
cheek.

	"I guess he managed for awhile because at first I wasn't around a
whole lot. I had therapy and school. I started college when one of my
therapists told me I had a gift with words. Being hot wired on all sorts of
meds, I finished two degrees in record time. I have three degrees including
a Masters in English. All so I can write," Kel's voice raised to a nasal
whine, "'pseudo-scientific trash for the brain dead masses'. That's Joe's
opinion."

	He turned his head around so I could see him scowling. "Fat
bastard, he doesn't deserve my mother, but he sweet talked her somehow."

	"Shh, Kel. That's your mom's problem, not yours. You concentrate on
yourself right now."

	He nodded and twisted around in my grasp. Kel's arms locked around
my waist and he stood with his head against my shoulder. The only sound in
the room was his breathing and the coffee pot.

	"I don't know that there is much else to say," Kel
whispered. "Except Thank You, thank you from the bottom of my heart for
being here with me."

	"Do any of your exes know?" I asked.

	"Micah does, we share a deep seated hatred for our fathers. But
Kara never knew, I never planned to tell her." He sighed. "I never planned
to tell you! I only told Micah because I was drunk and the meds..."

	I felt a twinge of jealousy at the mention of Micah. I was
strangely hurt that he had told him but wouldn't tell me. Kel must have
felt some tension in me because he looked up curiously. I schooled my
features to a blank expression. I would let Alejhandro deal with my
jealousy, not Kel.

	I tipped up Kel's head and kissed him. A long deep kiss that
reached into the depths of my soul. Kel's arms wrapped around my neck, his
fingers tangled in my hair. I felt him in the very marrow of my bones
resonating like a high note, barely heard but rather felt. I wanted him,
loved him, needed him. I had promised to take care of him and I meant to do
just that, now and forever.

	Kel stepped back, his hands framed my face. He smiled, a sweet, shy
smile that brought out all my protective instincts. And truth to tell, made
my cock hard as a rock. When all this was over and we'd be alone, I was
going to spend a whole day showing him in every deed and every action; with
every way my body knew, just how much I loved him.

	"Josh?" Kel's voice was soft. "Will you move in with me?
Permanently, I mean. I want you there always."

	"Oh, Kel! Kel." I hugged him tightly. " Of course I will!"

	"YES!" Kel shouted with a laugh.

	I kissed him again and the hospital slipped away. I knew it wasn't
going to be perfect, but the future was open and waiting for us. God only
knew what was ahead for us but we'd face it head on. Together.

	I let go of Kel and reached up to my throat. Kaleb's necklace had
served its purpose and now it was time to return it to him. The cool gold
chain lay pooled in my palm; Kel's rings waited to be returned to him. I
slid the silver one on his thumb with a smile. Kel's Sunrise ring flickered
as I picked it up, reflecting the light from the window: this was my bond,
my tie to Kel, my heart in tangible form. I took Kel's hand and slid the
ring onto his finger.

	"Kel, my darling, my love, with this ring I promise to always be by
your side. Through good times and bad, sickness and health, I will always
be there to hold your hand and wipe away your tears. Together, you and I,
FOREVER!"




August 20, 2004


There it is gang. The last chapter of Josh's Journey, he has come to the
end of this path. He has home, lover, two dogs and has started the process
of repairing the rift with his family. Now his feet are placed on a new
path and where will it lead him? I don't know. But being the attention
whore that I am as soon as he and I figure it out, you all will be the
first to know! The second book about Josh and Kel will be called "Mothers
and Sons" so watch for it. For all you new reader's I have a notify list,
it's easy to get on it: just flatter me shamelessly! haha All right talk to
y'all soon, I hope.