Date: Wed, 07 Jan 2004 18:25:34 -0700
From: dragonwriter@comcast.net
Subject: Josh's Journey pt 5 - Conversely Speaking

Dedicated to MY editor Twickster.. her advice has been invaluable
Enjoy! And let me know what y'all think


Josh's Journey: Conversely Speaking

	My feet weren't seriously hurt. I had just run the skin off of
them. The right one was tender for several days, but by Friday evening the
left one had stopped hurting. Kel dragged me to his doctor Thursday
morning, who looked me over and gave me a stern lecture about abusing my
body. Then wrote a prescription for some antibiotics to prevent
infection. He gave Kel an even sterner lecture about his weight and blood
pressure. I asked a few questions about Kel's health and told Dr Gower I
would do my best to ensure he ate regularly.

	"You're looking better than you have looked since the split with
Kara," Dr. Gower told Kel. "Your BP is low, as usual, but not dangerously
low. Your color is good. You were so pale in the hospital. And its a relief
to see you smile."

	He was concerned about the bruises on Kel's shoulder but not unduly
concerned. His diagnosis concurred with Dr. Reicher, that it was lack of
padding on his shoulders that caused the bruising. But Dr. Gower had his
nurse take some blood from Kel to run a few tests on.

	"Just to be certain, but I think they will all be negative." He
pointed to Kel. "YOU need to put on some weight."

	Kel flushed and nodded.

	I held Kel's hand while the nurse took the blood .

	"I hate needles," he confessed while we waited for the nurse. "They
frightened me into screaming fits as a child, they still make me VERY
nervous."

	 I sat in a chair and held Kel's hand or rather he held mine. He
had a death grip on my hand. His eyes were locked on mine. For a few
minutes, I was drowning in green iridescence, they were so deep.

	We left the doctor's office hand in hand, me hobbling on wrapped
feet.

	"I feel like the mummy," I told Kel with a grin.

	We stopped at my apartment to pick up some fresh clothes. Kel
insisted that I stay at his place for the weekend, so he could take care of
my feet. I protested feebly but gave in rather easily. Stupid I am NOT! The
driveway at my apartment was empty. Neither the woman in the front
apartment nor Mitch were home. I led Kel around back to the door. It opened
into a narrow hallway then into the kitchen. The sun was flooding through
the kitchen windows. There was a pile of dishes in the sink and the dryer
was running. Mitch hadn't been gone long.

	Kel walked around looking at everything while I sorted through a
pile of clothes in the hamper looking for clean underwear and socks that
somewhat matched.

	"It's small." I said.

	"Cozy." Kel grinned. "And I assume that's why there's a dresser in
the kitchen?"

	I grinned and walked across the kitchen to open the door to my
bedroom. Kel peered in around me. The room was just big enough for the
queen sized bed and a bar running across the end of the room to hang my
clothes on.

	"Goodness, I'd suffocate in here." Kel said. But he ducked under my
arm and flopped on the bed. He rolled over and over until he bumped against
the wall. He rolled back til he bumped the other wall.

	"It's like a giant crib," he giggled. "How did you get a bed in
here?"

	I leaned against the door frame. The sight of Kel in my bed was
having a positive effect on my cock. "We assembled the frame in here and
brought the mattress in sideways."

	Kel stretched, his body catlike and sleek. He kicked off his shoes
and struck a pose. Kel ran his hand seductively down his side and across
his hip. I was most definitely hard now.

	"Hey sailor," he said, his voice husky and inviting. "You gonna
just stand there and let lil ole me lie here by myself."

	"No way!" I replied pulling the door shut.

	 I yanked my shirt over my head. The sight of Kel on my bed was
almost enough to make me cum. I crawled up the bed to his lips. Kel tangled
his fingers in my hair and pulled my head down. I was drowning in him
again, in his sweet mouth and his bony body pressed under me. I could smell
his shampoo and taste the mint he had sucked on in the car.

	Sometime later, Kel snuggled up to my side. He laid his head on my
chest and lazily traced circles on my stomach with his fingers. I ran my
fingers through his curls. He sighed in contentment as I caressed his
side. The feel of ribs and scars made my stomach ache. I wondered if I
would ever get to the point of not wanting to cry every time I felt
them. But they were Kel. All a part of the man I loved.

	"I changed the dedication in my book." Kel said.

	"Hmmm?" I murmured, my eyes closed enjoying his fingers on my body.

	"It now says "For the dream that danced into my life and promised
to protect me always. To the voice I adore and the smile I drown in. Always
and forever to Josh."

	"Kel," I said my voice breaking.

	Kel rolled over onto his knees. His face hovered above mine.

	"Always and forever to Josh." He whispered. I pulled him down in a
bone crushing hug.

	We easily found all of our clothes except for one sneaker of
Kel's. Which puzzled me: it wasn't as if there was much of anyplace it
could go in my room! Finally Kel laid down on the floor and squirmed under
the bed. I lifted the end of the bed.

	"Found it!" He shouted, the sound muffled by the bed.

	"How on Earth did it get there?" I asked when he popped back out
grinning. I set the bed down with a thump.

	"Walked there, I suppose." Kel said grinning.

	Mitch didn't return before we left. I wondered if he had traded
shifts with someone at the restaurant. He waited tables and was
surprisingly very good at it. He had customers that regularly requested to
be seated in his area. I left him a note explaining where I was and asking
him to call me there because I really did want to talk to him.

	True to Kel's prediction, Sam showed up in the evening. He fussed
over me until Kel couldn't keep it in anymore and exploded in an attack of
the giggles. Sam scowled at him then started laughing as well. Pretty quick
all three of us sounded like refugees from a leaking helium factory.

	"All right Josh, I'll stop acting like your Mom." He grinned. "But
you let me know if you need anything."

	"I will." I hugged Sam.

	After he left, Kel went to his den to get some more work done on
his book.  I hadn't realized before all the work that goes into a book: the
initial writing and then the rewriting. Kel was correcting the proofs,
basically a process of going through a written copy and making sure the
publisher hadn't mixed anything up as well as making any last minute
revisions.

	"By the time I am finished with the proofs, I can't stand the book
anymore!" He had told me when he first explained the process to me.  I left
him alone, I had kept him away from his work long enough.

	 Feeling lazy, I stretched out on the couch in the TV room and
tried to watch a movie. But my attention just couldn't seem to stay on
it. I reached for the phone and dialed a familiar number.

	"Hello?" The woman's voice was rich and melodic. She had a
beautiful singing voice and was a favorite for solos in the church choir.

	"Mama." I said.

	"JOSH!" She said surprised..

	I could almost see her sitting on the couch by me. Her hair was
black like mine. Her skin and eyes were a soft brown. She was usually
assumed to be Mexican not Indian. She was tall for a woman but her sons
towered over her. Rafe and I looked the most like her with high cheek
bones, prominent noses and pointed chins.


	"Yes, Mama. I need you." I said softly.

	"Oh my Josh, what's wrong?"

	"Mama, I'm in love. And I am scared."

	"Scared? Why, Josh?"


	I told her about Kel; about his mental illness, about his childhood
abuse, and about his suicide attempt. She cried as I knew she would. She
listened as I poured out my fears, my hopes and my love. I told her about
my feet and how Kel had mothered me the night before.

	"I love him, Mama." I said softly.

	"I can tell you do," she answered. "Your letter to Jem got here
today. It was obvious from what you wrote you were head over heels in
love."

	"All ready?" I said in surprise. "I only dropped it in the box
Sunday. And anyway, I had only just met Kel.. danced a little with him at
the club."

	"Well, its here. And its pretty obvious you were already crazy
about him.. two pages worth of obvious even if all you had done was dance.
And you're right, Jem has read his books." She laughed softly. "He brought
me one and said 'Look Mama, here's Josh's Kel.' I looked at the picture and
said 'Your brother is now dating GIRLS!?'"

	I laughed. I could picture the look of surprise and confusion on
her face.

	"'No, Mama' Jem said. 'Kel is a guy.' He is a very pretty man,
Josh."

	I smiled. "Yes Mama, he is. And so very fragile looking. I think I
know which picture Jem showed you. Kel does look very feminine in it. But
he's all male, trust me."

	"Mama? What do I do?" I went on after a small pause. "How do I keep
from messing Kel up even more?"

	"Well first of all you stop whinging about yourself." Her voice was
gentle but firm." Then you decide if he is what you really want. If he is
all that you are telling me he is then you proceed forward with patience
and love. If he is just something to tie you over until the quote `real
thing' comes along then get out NOW. That will do far more damage than any
bumbling but sincere attempt to love him. "

	"Sam told me about the same thing Mama. He said if I wasn't serious
to kiss him and say goodbye but Kel is the real thing. I'd marry him if I
could, Mama." I cleared my throat. "I want to love him and make him
laugh. I want to protect him. I want him to be by my side. I'll dry his
tears and hold him when he hurts. I want to make him happy, Mama. His smile
is the brightest thing, brighter than the sun. I would do anything to make
him smile."

	"Oh Josh." Mama was silent for a moment. "Josh, it sounds to me
like you know what to do, you just want someone to tell you that you are
right. Patience and the ability to forgive are needed in every
relationship, maybe double so in yours. You already know how tiring it can
be at times to love someone who is mentally ill. You know that sometimes
they just need space, a LOT of space and other times they can't get enough
of your company. I would suggest finding a support group for family members
of people who are mentally ill. They can help a lot and have resources to
get you counseling if you need it."

	"Kel is working on that already, Mama." We talked about the support
group at home and the ways they had helped with Anita. We talked some more
about Kel and how I felt about him.

	"Mama, how is Anita?" I asked finally.

	"She is doing excellent. She is on a new medicine and the
nightmares are very rare now. She functions in a regular class room and is
going to graduate this spring. She is a year behind her peers but Anita is
very excited about finally graduating and with a regular class."

	"That's the best news I've heard in ages. Tell her Congratulations
from me."

	"Why don't you tell her yourself?" Mama's voice was soft. "She is
hoping you will come to the graduation... but she's afraid to ask you."

	"Why? How can she be afraid to ask ME?"

	"Because she told you she hated you and hoped you'd die in the
States." Mama sighed. "You and I know she didn't mean it. But she needs to
hear it from YOU."

	"Yes. I understand. Is she home?" I asked.

	"Of course. Let me get her." Mama set the phone down. I heard the
sound of her feet on the hardwood floors as she walked towards the
stairs. I stared at my hand in my lap. I had been so hurt when Anita had
yelled at me. She had thrown things at me. I knew she didn't really mean
it, she'd just been angry and frightened. But it had still hurt.

	"Hello?" Anita's voice was barely above a whisper at the best of
times.

	"Nita?" I said.

	"JOSH?! OH MY GOD JOSH!" I held the phone away from my ear and let
her run down.

	"How are you, babe?" I asked.

	She told me about her school and the new medicine, about the
kittens in the barn and all the other things that excite 19 year old
girls. She spoke so quickly that several times I had to tell her to slow
down and for once I had almost no trouble hearing her.

	"Josh, I was so awful to you. Can you ever forgive me?" she asked
her voice dropping to barely audible.

	"Of course, I can Nita. You're my baby sister. I love you." I
answered.

	"OH, Josh! I love you too. I was just so afraid of what would
happen to me if you left. But now I understand why you left. Erik explained
to me about the guys in town."

	"Remind me to thank Erik. Mama says you are going to graduate this
spring. How about if I and maybe Kel, if he's free, come up to see it.?" I
yanked the phone away from my ears as another scream of delight fractured
my ear.

	"OH YES! YES! YES!" She cried.

	We talked for a little more before I hung up. I was feeling happy,
a very heavy weight had been lifted from my heart. Anita, like Jem, was
special to me. There was something about both of my younger siblings that
none of my older ones had, I didn't know what it was but they were just
special to me.

	Suddenly I was missing Kel. The trip across the basement seemed to
take only three or four steps. I stopped in the doorway to the den. Kel was
hunched over his desk. Kel's desk sat so he could keep an eye on the
door. I suppose abused children never turn their back on a door. Crystal
raised her gold head and looked at me. Tova wagged his tail, his black head
laying on Crystal's back. Black on gold, a splash of color in the middle of
the floor.

	"Looks like love." I said softly. Kel jumped slightly. He looked at
me puzzled. I nodded to the canines on the floor and he grinned widely.

	"Are you hungry?" I asked.

	"Yes, surprisingly I think I am." Kel said.

	During dinner we talked about Kel's progress on the book. I told
him about my phone call and offered to pay for it. He waved the suggestion
away. I told him about Anita.

	"I am so glad to hear she's feeling better about you being down
here." Kel said. " I know it's been hard on you. Yes, let's DO go to her
graduation." He grinned all mischief. "It'll be fun... and I want to see
the looks on people's faces when they see you. And US."

	"I have grown a bit since moving here."

	"I can't imagine anyone bothering you now," he leered at
me. "Unless its me, of course."

	After dinner and the dishes were safely stowed in the dishwasher we
grabbed a couple of drinks and went downstairs to watch some TV before
going to bed. About midnight the phone rang. Kel groaned and groped for the
phone in the mess on the end table.

	"Hello?" He mumbled. "Huh? Uh yeah here he is. Its for you, Josh."

	I took the phone ice water running down my back. Had something
happened back home?! Had something happened to Anita? Or Jem?

	 "Hello?" I said.

	"Josh? Its Mitch." I leaned against the headboard. "Sorry, I didn't
think you'd be asleep." There was a pause. "Ah heck, its midnight! Sorry
Josh!"

	"It's okay, Mitch. Look, I am sorry I haven't been around lately."

	"No, its okay Josh. I am such a possessive bitch, you know that."

	I laughed. " Yeah, I do know."

	Mitch laughed. Which started me laughing and pretty soon we were
talking like two old friends do: in half sentences and finishing each
others thoughts. Mitch quizzed me about my feet and I told him what the
doctor had said. He asked me about Kel and I filled him in on the info,
omitting of course the personal details of Kel's childhood. Mitch told me
about a guy he had met at the restaurant.

	"That's where I was when you stopped by, he asked me out to lunch!"

	"YEAH! All right!" I yelled. Kel groaned and pulled his pillow over
his head. I laughed and caressed his arm.

	We chatted some more about our new guys until I started yawning.

	"I'll let you go, Josh. I just wanted to let you know how crappy I
felt about my tantrum the other day. I just had wanted to tell you about
Will and you weren't around and.... well I am sorry."

	"Its cool, Mitch. We'll all get together and you can meet Kel and I
can meet Will."

	I hung up the phone leaning over Kel. I peeked under the pillow,
then settled back down in bed. Kel snuggled up to my belly and I wrapped my
arm around him. A quick kiss on the back of his neck and I drifted off into
sleep.

	I woke up the next morning at my usual time. I was half way to the
kitchen when I remembered I didn't have to work today. But I was awake so I
made a pot of coffee and let the canines out. I glanced at the calendar on
the side of the fridge, Friday September 14, 1990. The 14th! Xan's birthday
was Sunday. His lover Kaleb was throwing him a party.  I wondered if they'd
be up yet. I turned and looked at the clock 5:45 am and decided I'd better
wait a bit.

	I poured me a cup of coffee and perched on one of the bar
stools. Looking out at the drizzly September morning, I thought about the
relationships in my life. Xan was my best friend, after Kel of course. He
was probably the only deaf mechanic in Seattle. I met him at a car
show. His cousin was with him to translate. We had hit it off almost
immediately. He was a motor head through and through and had been working
on cars since he was tall enough to look over the front end of a car. Tall,
blond and sultry, he had made my heart pound and my cock harden. I was just
about ready to ask him out when he met Kaleb.

	Kaleb was practically as wide as he was tall, 5'7" and solid hard
packed muscle. He was the owner of an up and coming computer
company. According to Xan, Kaleb was a business genius, who had graduated
college at 19 and in 1985 started his company at age 20, when computers
were still mostly a toy for geeks or glorified typewriters for college
students. Now five years later, Kaleb was doing a power business.

	It was a couple minutes before 7 when I picked up the phone and
dialed the house number. Kaleb had a TTY at the house for Xan, but it
required another TTY on my end to be effective. I also had the number of a
translating service, but if Kaleb was home I wouldn't need their help.

	"Hello, Konnor Kommunications." Kaleb's voice had a deep resonating
timbre.

	"Kaleb? Its Josh, is Xan home?" I asked.

	"Nope, sorry Josh. He left ten minutes ago to take Dora to school
before work. Apparently her car crapped out on her last night."

	"Hmmm, good thing little brother is a mechanic." I grinned at the
phone.

	"You betcha, give him about 20 and you should be able to call the
shop if you need him. His manager signs."

	"Nah, it wasn't important."

	"Okay." There was a crunching in my ear. "Umm sorry. Crisp
apple. I'm out of practice talking with people that hear. I`ve spent the
last week troubleshooting the computers at the Deaf Rec Center." He
chuckled. "Say, you ARE coming to the party Sunday, aren't you?" Kaleb
crunched again.

	"Yes, that's what I was calling about. Is it okay if I bring
someone?"

	"Okay? Hell yes. Its at the Manhattan. I reserved the banquet
room. Bring a whole squadron, plenty of room."

	"Pretty classy." I said. " Aren't you part owner of that
restaurant?"

	"Yeah, silent partner. I provided the cash and get a return on my
investment. I know PISS about the restaurant business. And frankly DON'T
want to know more, I'll stick to computers, thank you." Kaleb chuckled.

	"The only things I know about restaurants are what Mitch has told
me." I grimaced at the phone. "I think construction is enough for me."

	"Speaking of which," Kaleb's voice was smooth. "Have you ever
considered becoming an independent contractor? Its really the only way to
make money in construction."

	"That's what Sam tells me. But I need some more experience."

	"Yeah, get experience."  Kaleb bit his apple again. "Well, think
about it."

	"And you would bankroll it.. for a small profit, of course."

	"Of course," I could hear his grin. " But very small. Xan would
kill me otherwise."

	"I'll keep it in mind, Kaleb. Well tell Xan I said we'd be there
Sunday." I gave Kaleb Kel's number.

	"Yup, see you then Josh."

	"Be where Sunday?" I jumped and whirled around. Kel was standing at
the end of the bar. His face was withdrawn, expressionless. Chills ran down
my bare back.

	"Sunday is Xan's birthday. Kaleb is throwing a party for him."

	"At the Manhattan," I added nervously when Kel didn`t respond.

	Kel didn't say anything. His face still looked empty. Very distant.

	"Kel?" I said softly.

	This wasn't my Kel, it was a stranger in my Kel's body. I swallowed
nervously and wondered what was going to happen next. Kel walked to the
fridge and opened the door. He took out a Coke and left the kitchen. I
heard him walk down the stairs. I leaned on the counter. My head dropped
onto my arms and I slumped to my knees.

	I don't know how long I sat there, huddled on the floor staring out
into the yard, tears leaking out of my eyes. After awhile I wiped them off
and climbed to my feet. I went down the hall to the bathroom and took a
quick shower. The shower gave me time to think and consider what to do
next. While I was in the bathroom I looked at Kel's medications and counted
pills. I worked the math out in my head. After the shower I dressed and
limped downstairs cautiously. In one hand I carried gauze and ace bandages,
in the other I carried three pill bottles. Kel was working in his den.

	"Kel? I said softly. He looked up and smiled at me. MY Kel was
back. Relief flowed down my back like liquid heat. I knew that smile. The
sparkle was back in his eyes.

	"Good morning," he said warmly, turning his chair away from the
desk..

	"Good Morning," I crossed the room at a fast limp and kissed
him. He responded quickly and as the Kel I knew.

	"Will you wrap my feet?" I sat down on the floor and held out the
gauze and ace bandage.

	"Of course," he said taking them from me and putting my foot in his
lap.

	"So anyway, you were saying something about Sunday?" He said as he
wrapped my foot.

	I leaned back on my arms and explained to him about Xan's party. I
told him about Kaleb and his computer company. I repeated the phone
conversation back to Kel who listened attentively. There was no indication
of the lack of interest he had shown upstairs. He was intent on tending to
my foot but he was listening to me as well. He nodded as he wrapped first
one foot and then the other. When he finished, I sat up and crossed my legs
under me. I swallowed nervously.

	"Kel?" I said slowly pulling the pill bottles out from under my
leg. "Kel, I don't think you've been getting all your meds. You seem rather
..." I paused considering my words. "Well, you seemed very distant this
morning and now you are yourself. Or at least the Kel I am most used to..."

	Kel's eyes sparked and he opened his mouth. Instead of saying
anything he clamped his jaws shut and spun his chair around. He hunched
over and didn't move. I scrambled up and knelt beside the chair.

	"Kel?"

	 I forced the chair to turn toward me. Kel was crying. A silent
haunted crying that sent chills down my back. From apathy to happy to
miserably crying all in about an hour, his emotions were slamming out of
control.

	"Oh, darling. Kel." I tucked his head into my shoulder. "Its
okay. I am here."

	He let out a shuddering cry and started shaking. I pulled him out
of the chair and into my lap. I held him close and rubbed his back and
hair. I spoke to him softly, soothingly as one would to a child. He had
been very hyper - manic even - the day before; full of playful energy. Now
today he was crashing at the other end of the spectrum. I ached for him.

	"Josh, what would I do without you? I haven`t even been out a week
and I am already messing up." he whispered to my chest.

	"God willing, you will never have to find out. And you`re not
messing up, I am distracting you, messing up your routine." I said softly
into his hair. He straightened up and turned in my lap so that he was
straddling me. His hands rested on my shoulders.

	"Thank you, Josh. For just being here."

	"Of course, Kel. I'm here for you, I'm not going anywhere. "  I
brushed the hair away from his face.

	Kel picked up the bottles from the floor. He studied them, opened
the bottles and shook one pill from each into his hand and then recapped
the bottles. He looked up at me. His face was sad but not the empty,
expressionless face of earlier.

	"These are my anti depressants. Without them I am on an emotional
roller coaster high, low, high, low."

	I nodded. My suspicions were correct. He had been manic for days
and was depressive today. I stretched up and got his Coke off the desk and
handed it to him. He tossed the pills into the back of his throat and took
a quick swallow. I started to put the drink back but he stopped me.

	"No, it shouldn't be so close to the proofs.. or the computer for
that matter, if I had been thinking straight I wouldn't have put it there
to begin with." His eyes glimmered with new tears.

	I put the can on a shelf under the desk. And pulled him tight into
a hug. I just wanted to hold him, to take the shadows away. To bring back
the smile and the Kel I loved so much.

	Kel wrapped his arms around my neck and clung to me. I rocked him
and whispered softly in his ear. I told him how much I loved him, how much
I wanted to keep him safe. I whispered that I had never had as much fun as
I had in his company. I teased him about crawling under my bed. Slowly he
started to relax. He slumped against me. I wanted to carry him to bed but I
wasn't certain my feet would support us. So I just held him.

	Kel's head rested against my shoulder, his arm around my neck. He
ran his fingers lightly over my cheek. I shivered and twisted my head to
kiss his fingers. He sighed.

	"Kel?" I said softly. "Will you go to Xan's party with me? I would
like you to meet my friends."

	Kel raised his head and looked at me.

	"Thank you." He said simply.

	"For what?" I was truly puzzled.

	"For making me a part of your life. For just being here."

	I hugged him. My heart was pounding and there was an ache in my
throat. He clung to my shoulders. His thin body was shaking. I held him and
rocked him.

	"Patience and love, Mama." I thought. "I'll always give him
patience and love."

	"You ARE a part of my life now, Kel. I told you I'd be there always
and I mean it. I am not running off just because you cry, or yell, or
whatever. I'm gonna be here for you. Always."