Date: Sun, 16 Mar 2003 00:03:31 -0500
From: bccccand@netscape.net
Subject: Metropolitan Romance-6

Disclaimer: This story is a work of fiction, and any
resemblance to real people or events is coincidental.  It
contains descriptions of sex between adult men.  If this
type of material offends you, or if you are forbidden by law
to read it, please exit the story now.  E-mail comments are
gratefully accepted.

  Metropolitan Romance-6

  The weather was getting warmer as spring seemed to be
conceding to an early summer. In the past, the church had
almost shut down in the summer. People were busy with
vacations and other activities. I never understood why
spirituality was inversely proportional to the weather. I
was determined that there would be programming of some kind
this year. The first place to start was with the youth.
  I attended the youth meeting where both Jared and Brad
were present. We had worked out a system so Paul and Jared
wouldn't run into each other on group nights. This pointed
out the need for other groups at other times. Another family
might not be able to work around the problem of the need for
a sense of safety and security.
  The group discussed what they would like to do for
activities in the summer. The list was the usual combination
of sports, outside activities and "date" events such as
movies or dances. Two events that stood out were an outside
dance, perhaps in the church parking lot, and a canoeing
trip complete with camping. Everyone was enthusiastic about
the dance so we picked a date and assigned committees. The
camping appeared to only interest the boys. That would
actually make the logistics easier. Even gay groups have to
provide for boy/girl privacy.
  The dance could be sponsored and chaperoned by
practically anyone. The canoe trip, however, required people
with both the inclination and some experience. Since men
were needed, fathers would normally be an obvious choice.
The unfortunate situation of the male role model in our
society meant that often if there were family problems for a
young gay male, it included a conflict with his father.
There were several younger men in the church who might be
interested, but since it hadn't been done before, it would
take work to bring it together. It was agreed that I would
announce tentative plans for a trip both at the parents'
meeting and in church.
  Knowing that the youth would want any music at the dance
as loud as possible, I decided to go door to door in the
neighbor hood to scope out any potential problems. The
church was in a declining inner-city neighborhood. The
congregation that was started at the same location moved to
the suburbs to follow its white-flight parishioners.
Metropolitan was able to buy the facility at a reasonable
price. Location wasn't that crucial for a congregation that
pulled participants citywide. The neighbors were
surprisingly supportive. It occurred to me that this
clientele wouldn't be quick to call the police. I'd have to
remember to ask Larry if there was anything I needed to do
in advance on that front.
  A couple of young teachers jumped at the chance to help
with the canoe trip. The surprise came from the parents'
group. I announced the list of events the youth were hoping
to have for the summer. Several mothers volunteered to help
with the dance. I asked about the canoe trip and was caught
off guard when Paul offered to help. Jared had been one of
the most interested in the youth group.
  I called Carol to try and get a reading about how things
were going in the Langley house. She reported that she and
Paul were talking. He had obviously become well read on the
subject from some of the details of the conversation she
related. I didn't ask about sleeping arrangements and she
didn't volunteer it. There had been no communication between
Paul and Jared up to this point. I was uncertain as to how
to proceed. Since I was intensely involved, it was
impossible to be objective, but I hated to exclude Paul from
the trip automatically.
  Paul took the initiative and called to make an
appointment to talk with me. We hadn't had any real dialogue
since he came to my office a couple of weeks ago. His
arrival in the office was received less dramatically than
before, but no more warmly.
  "Rev. Williams, thank you for seeing me over my lunch
hour," Paul said with a certain charm that I had never
experienced from him.
  "I often adjust my day to be available to people with
less flexible schedules than my own," I responded.
  I was being honest, but I suspect my rationale was to not
have him thinking I had done something special for him.
  "I wanted to talk with you about the canoe trip," he
stated, coming right to the point. "I sensed that you had
reservations about me helping with trip. I assume that means
that Jared is one of the ones interested in participating."
  "That possibility did occur to me," I responded, trying
not to speak for Jared.
  "I've made some progress on what you asked me to do."
  "I didn't ask you to do anything, Paul. I gave you
suggestions."
  "Ah yes, I see the distinction."
  I knew Jared was bright as well as having a sharp sense
of humor. I had never experienced any of this from Paul
previously.
  "Go ahead and tell me about your progress," I continued.
  "Kevin, my friend at work, did agree to help me. He's
actually been very patient with me. I'll ask him what it's
like being gay and he tells me. The stories of his time in
high school have been particularly informative. There's a
lot I didn't understand. I thought those websites you gave
me were pretty good, too. I suspected that they might
contain a lot of propaganda, but they were basically
straightforward."
  "I'm glad they were helpful. Not everyone appreciates
certain perspectives, but I'm thankful that they worked for
you," I said.
  "Carol and I have been talking, also. I think at first
she thought I was putting on an act. I guess that's only
fair since she just discovered that the last twenty years
had been an act. I hope she's starting to believe me. She's
going to come to the next parents' meeting. I thought it was
important to come on my own at first, but I think they will
do her good as well."
  "Rebuilding trust is never as easy as tearing it down," I
interjected.
  "You're telling me that others are going to be tougher to
convince than Carol."
  "As your wife, I'm sure she wants to believe you," I
added.
  "I'm praying that somewhere inside of Jared, there's a
part that wants to believe me."
  "Remember, he was wise to the act for a long time. You
are going to have to rebuild years, not merely weeks of
mistrust."
  "Neither one of us has mentioned Eric yet. I know I can't
impose on your relationship for any special help there. But
I want you to know, whether you believe me or not, that you
and Eric come with the package. Neither Jared nor Carol will
accept anything less. If I can't convince the two of you of
my sincerity, I will have gained very little," he said while
maintaining complete eye contact.
  The man was a natural communicator. The problem with a
gift such as that is that people are left wondering whether
your words are true or only skill. He hit the nail on the
head without any question. I had already deduced that Eric
was going to be his biggest challenge. Paul had hurt Carol,
Jared and me. Even a less than average protective person
would struggle. It's always easier to forgive someone for
something they did to us than for something they did to
someone we love.
  "Paul, you are correct. I'm not going to help you when it
comes to Eric. I feel that would be an abuse of what he and
I have together. But I will confirm your thought that he is
important to your family's reconciliation," I said.
  "Don't underestimate your own influence. Carol has
mentioned how much Jared talks about you. I bet he wishes
you were his father."
  Every person has vulnerable spots. I wasn't sure whether
he was searching for mine, but he had definitely found one.
Between losing my own sons and my affection for Jared, I had
to struggle to not get emotionally over-committed to a
scenario where Jared lived with us. Since I suspected I was
on the verge of losing any control in the situation, I
decided this conversation needed to draw to a close.
  "Paul, is there anything specific you want from me?"
  "I want to go on this canoe trip and I want Jared to go
with me. Is there any possibility you will let that happen?"
  "I can't give you a definitive answer on that at this
time. I think we need to wait and see what transpires
between now and then."
  "I'll take that as at least not a definite no," Paul
responded with a touch of pain that I couldn't help but
believe was real.
  Only time would tell when it came to this man. I now had
to sit on the problem of Jared's excitement over the canoe
trip and his father's request to participate. I knew at this
point that Jared would be very defensive about even the
thought that his father might be one of the adults. I
decided that the trip was more important for Jared than
Paul. Without saying it in so many words, the decision came
down to whether or not Paul could reconcile with Jared in
time to be included. Otherwise, I was determined that Jared
would go and that he would have a good experience.
  I spoke with Larry about the dance. He said we would be
wise to get a permit for an outdoor function. He didn't
foresee a problem getting one. He volunteered to help with
the dance. That way if the police were brought into the
event, he might be able to diffuse any problems. Loren
jumped at the chance as well. There were so many adults
willing to help with the dance that it occurred to me that
what we needed was an adult dance on another night.
  A committee was formed for the adult event and the
planning took off like the wind. This was going to be formal
occasion with a live band. The expectation was that the
event would be too large for our modest facility. A larger
hall was reserved and the night was quickly turning into the
Prom that many of these people hadn't attended. We hadn't
even advertised, and non-church members were calling for
information. It was quickly becoming the gay event of the
summer and it was still spring. We had instantly gone from
virtually no programming in the summer to two dances and a
canoe trip.
  I needed to be careful of my schedule. As a teacher, the
summer was Eric's down time. I didn't want to be so tied up
in church business that I couldn't enjoy some time with him.
We needed to make some plans of our own, but we had never
done this before. It was time to get more proactive on the
subject. On a Friday night after dinner we found ourselves
alone. Jared was doing something with Nick.
  "Eric, what are your ideas for the summer? We haven't
discussed any thoughts about what you and I want to do."
  "It sounds like you have things hopping at the church. I
didn't know if you had much spare time," Eric almost whined.
  Obviously I had waited too long to bring up this subject.
  "All of the events have excellent people working on them.
My job was to get the ball rolling. It would be good if I
could attend the two dances, but my involvement at this
moment is fairly minimal. I certainly wasn't planning on
actually going on the canoe trip, either," I said, hoping to
calm the waters.
  Eric was still pouting. Somehow in my excitement I had
missed how important this summer was to him. It was time to
take another approach.
  "Well, the things I enjoy doing in the summer," I began,
"are traveling, working in the yard, entertaining friends
and having some down time to lay around and read. What about
you?"
  "I've never done much traveling. I didn't want to go
alone," he replied.
  "Great! Where would you like to go? It would be tricky
planning anything abroad at this late date, but anywhere in
the states wouldn't be a problem," I added with energy,
eager that he would pick up on it.
  "I've always wanted to go to New England. Do you really
think we could go?"
  Hallelujah!
  "I think that would be fantastic, Eric. I have a
membership in the auto club. We can get some maps and
brochures and decide what things we want to see and do."
  "I expected you to be the type to just get in the car and
drive there."
  "I could do that, but the planning can be half the fun.
When do you want shot for doing this," I asked.
  "My summer is basically free. I'm not taking any summer
school classes this year."
  "How about right around the middle of July. It will be
hot here and much cooler there. Then there would still be
time for being lazy before you had to start back to school,"
I proposed.
  I didn't get an answer because he was on top of me. We
tumbled to the floor and were kissing and groping with a
passion. I silently prayed that Jared didn't choose this
moment to return home. I suspected that I was getting my
reward for finally figuring out that this had been bothering
him. I didn't even know I was in trouble, but if this was
make-up sex, I wasn't going to quibble.
  We spent the rest of the weekend planning and plotting
our first trip together. Eric was on a mission. He
researched Bed and Breakfasts run by gays, and calculated
travel times between them. We realized that we both enjoyed
historical sites, but also wanted to do some more exciting
activities as well. We reluctantly, but jointly decided that
we would leave New York for another time. We eventually
determined that we would need three weeks to do what we
wanted to do. I didn't think the church would have a problem
with that. I was given four weeks vacation a year and hadn't
taken any yet. The excitement was contagious and we could
both hardly wait.
  The mood was dampened Sunday evening when Paul called and
asked if he could come over to talk with us. Eric
reluctantly agreed. I had stayed out of the conversation so
that it was primarily Eric's decision. Paul arrived shortly
there after and the atmosphere in the room was definitely
chilly. I almost pitied Paul for what he was about to face.
  "Eric," Paul began, "I want to begin by apologizing for
my actions that night. I also want to apologize for
pretending to accept you all those years when I truly
didn't."
  Eric made no response.
  "I also want to thank you for everything you have done
for Jared. I don't know where he, or any of us would have
ended up if you hadn't been there for him."
  Eric refused to even look at Paul directly. I was staying
out of it for the time being.
  "I had no right hitting Steve. He hadn't done anything to
deserve that. There is no excuse for any of my behavior that
night," Paul continued.
  Eric was still silent, but he was visually playing
something through that mind of his.
  "Eric, I remember your father. I'm sure I must have
appeared to be a reincarnation of him that night."
  That opened the gates. Eric was weeping. Paul was hanging
in there; I'll give him that.
  "I know that I have no right to even ask for your
forgiveness, but I would like a chance to prove to you that
I am trying to change."
  "Or is this just act two," Eric finally was able to say.
  "I imagine that everyone has that assumption," Paul
replied. "I'm not asking you to trust me. I have to earn
that, but is there anyway we can at least explore what it
would take to reunite this family?"
  "You don't want me around," Eric responded with
uncharacteristic anger. "I'm only a necessity to getting
back with my sister."
  The bluntness of Eric's reply caught Paul off guard. The
gifted communicator was stymied. He finally recovered.
  "You're wrong Eric, although I understand why you feel
that way. Yes, I want to get back with Carol and yes you are
a necessity to doing that. But it goes even deeper than
that. Only if I accept you can I come to accept what Jared
will be, and if I can't accept that, then I will eventually
lose him again anyway. So you see, Eric, I desperately want
to accept you."
  The last remarks had hit some target because I could see
Eric considering what Paul had said.
  "You have hurt my nephew, my sister and my lover. I'm not
finished being angry with you yet."
  "I can live with that, but wouldn't it be best to let
that anger out on me, the person who deserves it?"
  Paul really struck pay dirt with that comment. Eric and I
had talked about forgiveness before. When we hold on to the
anger, it usually redirects itself to somewhere or someone
else. In Eric's case, I was convinced that most unresolved
anger was directed inward. He had told me about times of
severe depression and on more than one occasion of having to
be on antidepressants. My one hope was that whatever
happened with Paul's assumed attempt to change, that Eric's
anger would either get resolved or would be focused on Paul
alone.
  "Why," was the only word Eric was able to choke out
through the emotion.
  "Are you ready to hear this," Paul asked.
  Eric nodded his head. I held my breath. I had no idea
where Paul was headed and it made me extremely nervous.
  "I met Carol while we were in college and I was
immediately attracted to her. We began dating and we both
got serious pretty quickly. I met you when I came home with
her for Thanksgiving. You hadn't come out yet at that time.
What I remember is being very jealous of Carol's
relationship with you. She adored you. She still does. You
father was truly a piece of work. He seemed so bitter and
resentful that I tried to steer clear of him the whole
weekend. I did learn two important facts on that trip. I
would never be the only man in Carol's life because of you.
Furthermore, any relationship with her required at least
pretending as if I liked you. I didn't even suspect you were
gay and I was already starting the act."
  These were new revelations for Eric, as evidenced by the
look on his face. Paul sounded honest in painting a picture
that was definitely not intended to make himself look good.
  "Then," Paul started again, "when you came out to your
parents and your father flipped out, Carol's protective
attitude toward you became abundantly clear. In high school,
I ran with a crowd that made fun of gays. We never
physically hurt anybody, but we were cruel in other ways.
You had to have that attitude to fit in with the gang. Now
the girl that I loved had a brother who was gay. I knew I
had to keep my mouth shut, but I resented the attention she
gave you and especially for the reason she gave it to you."
  "I guess I always suspected that you didn't like me. I
had no idea the resentment was that deep and for that long,"
Eric almost whispered.
  "I can't even say I don't like you. I intentionally never
really got to know you. Even now, I know you teach science
at Sommerset, but I don't know what grade. In fact, I know
almost nothing about who you are."
  I think Eric was stunned. I don't know what he
anticipated, but I don't believe that this was it. Paul
picked up the baton again. He seemed intent on finishing
this story.
  "Eric, we have never talked, just the two of us. I even
try to arrange it so that we aren't even alone together if I
can help it. Sunday dinner is pretty much the extent of our
relationship. What do you know about me?"
  "I know that your father died when you were very young
and your mother died when you were twelve," Eric began. "You
went to live with a widowed aunt who took you according to
your parents' will, but you were more an imposition than
anything else. She never loved you, and since the day you
left her house for college, you have never returned. The
only communication you have with her is exchanging Christmas
cards, which I'm sure Carol sends. You were a good student
in college but partied more than studied. You have worked
for two companies, and although you have real skills, you
prefer getting by on your looks and your charm. You do love
Carol, but I think you are obsessed with molding Jared to be
exactly like you."
  It was Paul's turn to be astonished.
  "You are an observant little shit aren't you," Paul said
with definite surprise.
  "Paul," I said, "quiet people are often observant. When
they're not talking, they're probably listening."
  "You are right about Jared, too. I've wanted nothing from
him more than to grow up to be just like me."
  Silence hung in the room like a cloud. The tension had
decreased considerably, somewhat surprisingly. A lot of
family history had been dumped out, and everyone appeared a
little shell-shocked. I was beginning to believe that Paul
was being honest.
  "I would say that this has been a very informative
evening," I added. Where do we go from here?"
  "I would say that is up to Eric," Paul said.
  Eric was still deep in thought. I feared there was too
much new information to be processed in one sitting, but
that man continues to amaze me.
  "I can't make any promises or guarantees," Eric said
tentatively. "I am still angry, but I won't oppose your
attempt at a reconciliation with Jared. But let me warn you,
if you screw this up I'll never give you another chance."
  "This will be one more chance than I ever thought I would
get," Paul stated with a sense of relief. "I'm not going to
let you down Eric. I may not be able to convince Jared that
I have changed, but it won't be for a lack of trying."
  I sat there with my jaw dropped as Eric held out his hand
to Paul. Paul took it eagerly, and they clasped hands
firmly. Paul actually had tears in his eyes. If this man was
acting I was ready to award him an Oscar. But it was Eric
who truly astounded me. I knew he was far from completely
accepting Paul's entire story, and yet he was willing to
take such a huge step toward reconciling with the man who
only hours ago had been his fiercest enemy.
  We were anticipating Jared's return soon and I didn't
want him to be surprised by his father's presence.
Commenting that it was getting late, I hinted that it was
time to draw this session to a close. We were emotionally
drained as it was. I think Paul picked up on my motivation
because he quickly moved to leave. It was evident that he
had received far more tonight than he anticipated. As I
watched he and Eric trade social pleasantries, I noticed
that his face seemed different. He looked younger than I
remembered him appearing. I began to realize that it was the
first time I had seen him look happy. Then he did something
that took my breath away. He turned to me and flashed me one
of the grins that I had come to adore from Jared. Father and
son didn't normally look alike, but in that instant, the
genetic link was clear.
  I became aware that I had physically shuddered. Paul had
moved to leave so he didn't notice, but it made me wonder
about what I had witnessed. The thought of Jared having a
sinister side was repulsive to me. How alike were these two
men who had been thrust into my life? What did Jared's
future hold?  So much had happened in a short amount of
time. My life was radically changed that night I attended
the Sommerset School Board meeting.
  Paul left and Jared came home, barely missing one
another. Fortunately, Jared was still too keyed up about his
evening with Nick to notice any residual tension in the air.
As we listened to him recount the events of his day, Eric
and I gradually slipped back into our normal postures. By
the time Jared had wound down and was ready for bed, it
almost felt as if nothing had happened. But something had
happened, and Eric and I hadn't had any time to discuss it.
A part of me wanted to leave the events of our evening under
wraps, but I also knew that it wouldn't be any easier to
talk about later. We both went through our nightly routines
and found each other in the middle of the bed.
  "Eric, I can't begin to imagine how difficult our
conversation with Paul must have been for you."
  "It can't have been easy for you either," he replied
gazing into my eyes.
  "No. It wasn't. But it wasn't my family history being
rewritten right in front of me. I know how unpleasant it is
to even talk about your father."
  "Although it was troubling to hear many of the things he
has to say, in a way it all started to answer some questions
I didn't even realize I had been asking."
  "What kind of questions, babe?"
  "Well for starters, it explains why I always believed he
didn't like me. I never thought about him being jealous of
my relationship with Carol. She's been all I had for so
long, I never considered the implications for her marriage,"
he said wistfully.
  "Eric, there's a difference in being responsible in a
relationship and being responsible for that relationship. I
can't see how you have done anything inappropriate. Any
problems between Paul and Carol are just that; between Paul
and Carol."
  "I'm still concerned about Jared. He's so vulnerable
right now, and Paul's intensity can be overwhelming."
  "I know what you mean," I agreed. "Even if Paul's
intentions are genuine, he's going to have to be careful
that he doesn't run over Jared in his push to win back his
son."
  "You didn't want him to win Jared back, did you Steve?"
  "I can't replace my sons with someone else's son. Jared
needs his father's acceptance if it truly is there."
  "But what about your needs," he asked.
  "Everything I need is right here in my arms. Eric you
have made my life complete. I didn't think I would ever be
this happy again. I love you, Eric Andrews."
  "We may have been together a relatively short period of
time, but when I think about this evening, I can't envision
a scenario where I make it through if it hadn't been for
you. I love you, Steve Williams."
  Our emotions were still raw from the battering they had
received, so we held each other closely until we both
drifted off to sleep.

  ********

  The usual quiet Monday morning at the church was replaced
with people scurrying around making plans for one dance or
the other. It occurred to me that it was a little odd that
they hadn't had a dance before now. I was curious, so I
asked Loren to come into my office.
  "Loren, I'm glad everyone is so excited about the
upcoming dances, but it made me wonder why an event like
this hasn't been planned previously."
  "That's because you can't know what the church was like
before you arrived. Everything was focused on gay issues of
one kind or another. I suppose that everyone assumed that
since we were all gay, that that aspect of who we are was
the only thing we had in common. You've helped us see that
we can't limit our understanding of ourselves by only
looking at our sexuality. Yes, they will be gay dances, but
we're having a dance because people like to have fun. We're
doing something normal. You have helped us to feel normal."
  "But you are normal. We're all normal," I insisted.
  "Hey, you're preaching to the choir now. I can stand here
in a lavender silk jumpsuit and feel normal. That wasn't
true before you came to Metropolitan."
  It was true that I lacked the perspective of knowing the
church before my arrival. The thought of considering myself
or anyone else unacceptable for being who they were was
simply not an option. It was true that the one message I
tried to hammer home was that we might be the victims of
hate, prejudice or ignorance, but we were not victims of our
own sexuality.
  I finished up most of the items on my long to-do list.
The `devil is in the details' is a phrase that is especially
true in churches. I wanted to start a summer Bible study,
but I didn't want there to be any possible conflicts with
our trip to New England. I settled for a short series of
issue-oriented talk back sessions and left it at that. This
was not a time in my life for over commitment. I discovered
I was staring out the window. I do enjoy spring. Eric had
planted a flowerbed outside my window so that I had a nicer
view. It also reminded me of him quite often. A bright
spring day is usually good for lifting my spirits. What I
couldn't get out of my mind was Paul's grin from last night.
I assumed the gesture itself emerged from his relief in how
the evening had transpired, especially with Eric.  But
something was bothering me. I hate it when my mind picks up
on some kind of a warning signal, but I can't read it. I
finally decided that for now I would have to interpret my
uneasiness to a concern about whether Paul was being up
front with us.
  Loren paged me to say that I had a call from a Mr.
Baxter.
  "This is Steve William. How may I help you?"
  "Rev. Williams, my name is Tom Baxter. I believe you know
an employee of mine, Paul Langley."
  "Yes I do, Mr. Baxter."
  "Please call me Tom," he requested.
  "Then please call me Steve," I returned.
  "Steve, Paul was talking about a canoeing and camping
trip your church is planning."
  "Yes, we are in the initial stages of putting one
together."
  "Will this be for church members only," he asked.
  "No, the programs at Metropolitan are open to anyone."
  "I would like to assist with this program and ask if my
grandson might attend."
  "How old is your grandson?"
  "He's sixteen and a sophomore. He doesn't live here, but
it would be no problem having him available."
  "I'll get you some information to show him as soon as we
have things organized," I replied.
  "One more thing, Steve. I would like to underwrite this
trip. I deeply appreciate what you are doing at your
church."
  "Thank you very much. That will allow us to offer the
trip to youth who don't have much or any family support."
  "On another note, I am aware that your are working with
Paul and his son. I also know you can't talk about that with
me, but I wanted you to know that I see a real change in
Paul Langley."
  "That's good to here, Tom," I said.
  "What is perhaps the most convincing is that it isn't
only his attitude about that one subject which seems to be
changing. Paul has never been what you would call sensitive.
Several employees have commented lately, though, about how
considerate he has been. It's as if he is seeing things from
other people's point of view for the first time."
  "Thank you for telling me that."
  "Keep me informed about the canoe trip and keep up the
good work."
  I hung up the phone in somewhat of a daze. The financial
support for the trip would be a tremendous help. I had
already decided we would need to at least have scholarships
for some of the boys. However, the fact that really had mind
head in a spin was Tom Baxter's comments about Paul. I knew
a little about this man from being in the community. The
word was that he smart and tough. He made it to the top by
perseverance and tenacity. He wouldn't be the easiest man to
fool. My own feelings on the subject continued to be
clouded. I wasn't sure what I believed and even less sure of
what I wanted the end result to be.
  My indecision was to face an immediate challenge, when
Carol Langley walked into my office. I knew instinctively
where this conversation was headed.
  "Steve, do you have a few minutes?"
  "Sure, Carol, come in."
  "We've never had a chance for the two of us to sit down
and talk. It's amazing how many things we let go unsaid."
  "Sometimes we assume people know what we are thinking," I
stated.
  "I want you to know how pleased I am for you and Eric.
You are so good for him. I don't think he has ever been this
happy."
  "I'm pretty happy, too," I affirmed.
  "The two of you have faced more than your share of
hardship in a relatively short relationship so far. What
with the school board and the shooting, and now Paul."
  "The result I think is that we have become very close
because of it," I said.

  She became very quiet. I sensed that she had to work
herself up to the big issue.
  "Jared thinks the world of you. I think in some ways he
would rather stay with you and Eric than move home," she
said wistfully.
  "Jared is at a very turbulent stage in his life. Even
without the added emotions of his coming out, it's a
difficult time.
  "You have a nice way of expressing things. I've noticed
that about you," she said and then paused. " I suppose you
already know why I'm really here?"
  "I wondered if you were here to talk about what it would
take to get Jared home," I answered.
  "Paul and I both want him to come home. Paul said we
shouldn't rush him, that we should wait until he was sure he
wanted to return."
  "The two of you are his parents, not Eric and I. We don't
technically have any authority in this regard. But I assume
you are asking for my opinion and my support."
  "I think we need both. In fact I'm convinced, given the
respect that Jared has for you, that no homecoming will work
without your support," she said looking me straight in the
eye.
  I was precisely in a position I try to avoid. It was
mostly unavoidable because of my relationship with Eric, but
I still disliked being in the middle of a family dispute.
  "What have the two of you discussed as to how to
accomplish this," I posed.
  "We were thinking of a family meeting with both you and
Eric there. Perhaps Jared would feel more comfortable if the
meeting was at your house. If the five of us got together,
we could talk about where everyone wants to go from here."
  "That might be dangerous opening up too many
possibilities. You want to be careful to not propose
something that isn't feasible. Jared is already skeptical."
  "I though that perhaps in that setting, Jared might feel
free to state what he needs to feel comfortable at home
again," she suggested.
  "I believe we probably need to set some ground rules
before Jared is involved. The stakes are too high to raise
his expectations if they can't be met," I countered.
  "So, are you suggesting the four of us meet to consider
how to approach Jared?"
  "I believe that would be am important preliminary step
before involving Jared," I responded.
  "How soon could we do this?"
  "I would have to talk with Eric. He isn't going to be too
happy with this proposal," I added.
  "Talk with him and let me know what he says. You can tell
him that it's very important to me."
  "I'll let you know what he's comfortable doing."
  I was right, of course. Eric hated the idea. Only his
affection for his sister kept him from refusing. We both
recognized that the best thing for Jared was to be at home
with reconciled relationships with both parents. Neither one
of us, however, was excited about being a direct part of
that reconciliation process. We did set a time for the four
of us to meet.
  When the evening came for our little powwow, Eric and I
were even less sure that this was a good idea. They had
agreed to come to our house. Neither of us had been back to
the Langley house since that fateful night. Jared was out
with Nick, which kept him away from the fray. We began with
the usual pleasantries although the conversation was a bit
stilted. I decided we might as well get down to business.
  "Paul, Carol, I think it is only fair to tell you that
Eric and I are still somewhat uncomfortable with this
situation. I'm not sure that there is anything to be done
about that but to proceed. Tell us what your thinking is at
this point."
  "Steve, Eric," Carol said tentatively. "Paul and I
appreciate all that you have done. I know we don't really
have the right to ask you to help us with our problem, but I
also believe you want what is best for Jared."
  "We are committed to that goal," Eric stated.
  "I feel that we are ready to try to get this family back
together again," Carol said. "I understand your reservations
and I am grateful that you are still willing to meet with
us. I fear that Jared will not be as willing as the two of
you."
  "Carol, we have intentionally not said anything to Jared
about this meeting or the possibility of him sitting down to
talk about this with you," I added. "I can't know for sure
what his response would be, but I suspect you are right to
have concerns."
  "He would do it if you suggested it," Paul countered.
  Carol shot him a glance that was difficult to read. If
Paul's statement was more blunt than she had hoped, it
didn't seem to alter where we were headed.  She picked up
where he had ended.
  "We don't mean to imply that we want you to talk Jared
into this. If the suggestion were to come from you, though,
he would be more receptive I imagine."
  "My concern is that we not push Jared too quickly," I
responded. "He is naturally going to be defensive. We need
to work at not intensifying that feeling."
  "Just how slowly do you think we have to go," Paul asked
brusquely.
  The tension in the room went up several notches with
Paul's last statement. Eric appeared ready to bolt. We were
dealing with more than Jared's living arrangements here.
  "Paul, the understanding was that you wanted our
support," I said directly to him. "This isn't a battle over
Jared's affections."
  "Isn't it?" Paul was glaring at me. "You don't want Jared
to come back home with us. You want him to stay here."
  "Paul, stop it right this minute," Carol shouted.
  "No. Let him continue. Let's here what he really thinks,"
I said. "Go on, Paul, say what you want to say."
  "You want Jared for your own son. You worked it so that
Jared would trust you. You want him to replace the sons you
lost."
  I could hear both Eric and Carol gasp. Everyone was
speechless for a moment as we reacted to Paul's outburst.
Eric started to stand. I don't know what he was planning to
do, but I gently squeezed his forearm, and he sat down
again.
  "Paul," I said, "I suspect you are finally being honest.
If that's what you want, then let's go balls to the wall
here. I have quickly come to love Jared as a son. I will
also admit that I have serious reservations about whether or
not you are fit to be a father. Any father who would throw
his son away like garbage has no idea of the responsibility
it takes to raise a child. You fear that you might lose
Jared, but you have no concept of what it means to lose a
son, none the less two. You are the one who screwed up, and
if Jared doesn't see himself forgiving you, it will be your
fault and yours alone. You cannot blame your bigoted, short-
sighted actions on me."
  Paul's face was crimson as he stood in response to my
tirade. I stood with him face to face.
  "Are you going to take a swing at me again," I asked. "Is
that how you settle your problems, with your fists?"
  "I'm not going to hit you, but I am going to fight for my
son. I want him back. I made a mistake and I'm paying for
that, but you aren't going to keep him from me."
  "Do you really want me back?"
  We all turned to see Jared standing in the doorway. In
our heated exchange, we had not heard him come home early
from his date with Nick. The room had gone from angry
shouting to complete silence. Finally, Paul spoke.
  "Yes, Jared, I want you back. You are my son, and even if
I haven't acted like it, I love you. Will you come back home
and give me another chance?"
  Jared began to cry as he slowly nodded his head. Paul
crossed the room in a flash and embraced his son. Both
father and son were visibly weeping as they held desperately
to each other. I turned and caught Carol's attention, giving
her a nod I assumed she would understand. She walked to the
two men, hugged them both, and suggested that they go home
now. Paul and Jared started immediately for the door. Carol
followed them with me after her. As I held the door for her,
she gave me a sad smile, hesitating as if she had something
to say. Then, deciding against it, she turned and walked out
to the car where Jared and Paul were waiting for her.
  When I returned to the living room, Eric was gone. Had my
actions pushed him too far? Once again, I was so intent on
what I was doing that I hadn't considered the implications
for him or for us. When Paul finally let out his real
feelings, I instinctively followed through with them. If I
had known Jared was there, I never would have jumped on
Paul's declaration. I knew I was gambling when I did it, but
the stakes were too high to intentionally do it in front of
Jared. It appeared, however, that Jared heard what he needed
to hear; that his father still wanted him. It's difficult
for a young man not to want his father's acceptance,
whatever the circumstances. I only hoped that Paul was
willing to give Jared the real acceptance he needed.
  But what about Eric and me? Had our encounter tonight
formed a wedge that might eventually come between Eric and
his sister? Had my insistence on doing what I felt needed to
be done damaged my relationship with Eric? I had a
foreboding feeling that this evening would change many
things.
  I started searching for Eric. He wasn't in the kitchen or
the dining room. He wasn't anywhere downstairs. I went up to
our room, but he wasn't there either. I then noticed that
the door to the spare room where Jared had been staying was
shut. When I went to open it, I discovered it was locked.
  "Eric, please talk to me. I know you're upset."
  There was no response. I was exhausted and spent. There
was no telling how long Eric was going to stay locked in
that room. I didn't even have a guess at what I thought he
might want me to do. I remained by the door for a while and
then decided to go back downstairs. I didn't foresee
sleeping, but especially not in `our' bed. An hour later, I
lay down on the couch. I must have eventually fallen asleep,
because I awoke the next morning with a crushing headache.
After looking around, I discovered that Eric had slipped
away sometime while I was asleep, probably already at
school.
  I felt hung over, but worse emotionally. It bothered me
that Eric chose not to even confront me. Our relationship,
which seemed so vibrant and intense a mere day ago, now
appeared perilously flat. The thought jumped into my mind
that I wished I hadn't given up the lease on my apartment.
Surely our relationship wasn't over? If he needed space to
deal with what had happened, then I would give him space. As
I went through my morning routine, I collected a few things
I would need in case my staying here was going to be a
problem. As I left to go to the office, I looked back at the
house that had become my home. I certainly hoped I would be
back.
  I drove to the church deep in thought. Loren knew
something was wrong the instant I arrived. Following me into
my office, Loren began inquiring.
  "Steve, what's wrong. Excuse me for saying it, but you
look awful."
  "It was an especially bad night," I replied.
  "Can you tell me about it?"
  Loren had always been inquisitive with a natural
curiosity and genuine concern. But with experience had come
the awareness that sometimes there were issues that we
couldn't discuss.
  "Paul and Carol came over last night to talk with Eric
and Me."
  "Oh, this doesn't sound good at all," Loren said.
  "Paul and I got into a shouting match concerning Jared.
It became pretty intense. Jared walked in on us and heard
the argument. Fortunately, what he heard was that his father
wanted him back and was willing to fight to get him back.
Father and son had a tearful reunion and the family went
home together."
  "That sounds like good news, isn't it," Loren asked.
  "Ultimately, it is good news. However, in the process,
Eric became very upset and he wouldn't talk to me about it."
  "So you're saying that everything worked out for the
Langley's but not for you and Eric," Loren posed.
  "Something like that."
  I didn't want to go into detail, but Loren caught the
gist of what my problem was. A gentle hug communicated the
support that was there for me. Eric was my lover, but Loren
was my best friend. I knew I wouldn't be able to accomplish
much in my present state of mind, but at least the tasks
were a distraction. I suspected Loren was screening my
calls, as the morning went very quietly. Loren pleaded for
me to go along with them for lunch, but I wanted more time
to myself. As many visitors as I have over the noon hour,
you'd think I would learn that it was unlikely I would have
the time alone.
  I must have been deep in thought because I didn't hear
anyone come into the office. I was startled then when I
looked up to see Paul Langley standing in the doorway. He
was perhaps the last person I expected to see.
  "Steve, is it all right if I come in?"
  "Uh, - OK, - yes, come in," I managed to finally say.
  "Steve, we have been through so much together that it
doesn't feel as odd as I thought it might being here today."
  "We definitely have a history together," I said in as non-
committal a tone as possible.
  "Carol and I talked well into the morning after coming
home last night. I think we understand what you did."
  "What did I do?"
  "You intentionally fought with me so that I could realize
how much my son meant to me. By making me fight for him, it
was clear I would do anything for him."
  "I can't say I planned that," I responded.
  "But you knew it while it was happening, didn't you?"
  "Yes, I did."
  "You do love Jared."
  "Most certainly," I choked out as an answer.
  "I'm sorry for what I said about your sons. After all
you've done, you definitely didn't deserve that."
  "Paul, is there something specific you wanted to say," I
asked.
  The possible sacrifice I may have made for his family was
not making me very receptive to whatever was on his mind.
  "I assumed you would be angry with me. I don't know what
I expected by coming here today," he said.
  "Paul, you have your wife and your son, what else do you
want from me?"
  The bitterness of my statement surprised even me.
  "I'm not here to ask for anything. I wish I had something
to offer, but I guess there's not anything you would
probably accept from me at this point. I wanted you to know
that I understand what you did, and that I'll never be able
to repay you."
  I realized I had absolutely nothing to say. I looked
away, more to keep him from seeing the tears forming in my
eyes. Paul took the hint and left. When he was gone, I broke
down and cried once again. I had to get out of there. I went
to my car and started driving.
  I was headed nowhere in particular. I just wanted the
solitude of my Mustang. I eventually stopped at a park
beside a river and sat down on the bank, throwing rocks into
the water. With each pebble, the ripples spread out in every
direction. As I watched the changing shapes on the surface
of the water, I reflected on the state of my life. Waves of
grief from past and present losses flooded over me. I laid
back and looked at the cloudless sky. I recognized a life-
long pattern of anticipating the worse case scenario, but I
couldn't help fearing that I was about to lose another
family. Tears came yet again. Would there ever be enough
tears? I don't know how long I laid there, but I realized
that it had become dark. A fog began to form and it felt
like a warm blanket enveloping me. The colors faded as
everything around me was bathed in a comfortable grayness. I
understood the signs of depression because I had faced them
before. I knew that I should be doing something else, but I
wanted the quiet stillness of the night. The stillness was
broken by a voice from somewhere behind me.
  "Steve?"
  I wanted to stay hidden in the fog, but I knew that
wouldn't be possible.
  "Steve, it's Larry. Are you here?"
  "I'm over hear, Larry. Down by the river bank."
  Larry followed my voice through the fog until he was
standing over me. He held out his hand and I took it. He
lifted me to my feet and into a tight embrace.
  "Oh Steve," he said compassionately. "It's time to go
home, buddy."
  "I'm not sure where home is anymore, Larry."
  "I know, I know"
  And with his arm still wrapped around my shoulder, he
guided me up the bank. There was a police car parked behind
my car. We walked to Larry's Explorer where he opened the
passenger door for me.
  "What about my car?"
  "It will be taken care of, don't you worry," he said
soothingly.
  I was embarrassed that I had caused a commotion. I didn't
think about Loren worrying because I was gone. I just wanted
to be alone for a while.
  "Loren actually called you to go looking for me," I
asked.
  "Yes. As you can imagine, Loren is fit to be tied."
  "I'm sorry, Larry. I didn't mean to be a problem," I
whimpered.
  "Don't worry about it, Steve. Everything is all right
now."
  He reached over and gently squeezed my hand. There was no
question in my mind what had made Loren fall in love with
this man. As we drove through the city streets, I became
aware that we were headed to Eric's house.
  "Larry, I don't think this is a good idea. Can't we go
somewhere else?"
  "Loren is at Eric's place. That's where we are expected."
  Now I was truly embarrassed. I couldn't see how it was
going to appear like anything but a silly ploy on my part to
make Eric feel sorry for me. I only wanted to be alone. I
was sure that there was no way I would be able to talk Larry
out of taking me to Eric's house As we left the river behind
us, the fog also thinned. The stark reality of the
circumstances was vividly clear. This was quickly turning
into one of those experiences that can only be endured. As
we pulled up in front of the house, I shuddered.
  "Larry, I don't want to go in there," I pleaded.
  "I know, Steve. I know. But everything is going to be all
right. Trust me, OK?"
  We walked up the sidewalk and on to the porch. Loren met
us at the door looking relieved. Loren gave me a quick hug
and pulled me into the house. Eric stood when we entered the
room. He looked at me and then immediately stared at his
feet. Meanwhile, I was examining the grain in the hardwood
floors.
  "Larry, if you wouldn't mind taking me home," Loren said.
  Both Eric and I turned to object, but Loren was already
walking toward the door. We stood mute as they silently
departed. I decided as long as I was here I might as well
face the music.
  "Eric, I'm sorry. I'm sorry about the awkward position
I've put you in tonight and I'm sorry about the position I
put you in last night. I'm - I'm sorry."
  "Steve, I'm - confused. I'm still not sure I understand
what happened last night. I was angry and hurt. But I had no
right to shut you out. I understand if you want to leave.
They shouldn't have forced you to come back here."
  "Eric, I truly wasn't avoiding you. The very same
feelings I experienced after my family's car wreck came over
me again. I felt like I was losing everything. Jared. You.
All I could think of was here I go again. It was more than I
could handle."
  "Steve, I know Jared has become very important to you.
Just because he's back home doesn't mean you've lost him."
  "I think it had to do with how everything transpired. In
the heat of the moment it's as if everyone had to choose. It
felt like no one chose me," I said almost in a whisper.
  "Steve, that isn't true. I understand why you felt that
way, but I do chose you."
  "What if it means losing your sister? Can you really make
that choice? I didn't intend for last night to lead to a
showdown, but it may have."
  "Steve, Carol is an important past of my past, but I want
you to be an important part of my future. If after
everything you've been through for the sake of my family,
you still want me, then I'm yours. Part of what I was afraid
of last night was that you would be so devastated about
losing Jared that you would blame me. I know I did a lousy
job of showing it, but I was afraid of losing you."
  We both crossed the few feet that had been separating us
and tentatively reached out for each other. How many times
can a young relationship get shaken without falling apart?
It seemed like we were always recovering from something. As
I held him in my arms, I prayed that we had the strength to
get through this. I needed him. I loved him.


  Comments are appreciated.  bccccand@netscape.net