Sometimes, all is nothing.

The days just blend into each other. You can't wait for the day to be over so the night will come, yet by the end of the week you wonder where the days have done and you can't remember what you've spent the week doing.

Sometimes, you just can't be bothered. There's just no point to any of it. You feel trapped and there is no escape. There's no point in doing anything because you know you'll just stuff it up but, yet you feel compelled to prove that you're still able - or to prove to yourself that you really are a failure.

Like on the weekend when I decided to clean my room, despite my listless state. I took my bedding outside to freshen in the crisp air and didn't think that it would start raining. Like it was a surprise, like I thought the gods would spare me. I was not amused, not at all when the wind blew in the dark clouds which let loose their moisture. Just another stuff up.

The dark clouds loomed continuously. A bone chilling gusty wind prevented me from venturing to the outside world. Not that I wanted to; leaving my room was an adventure in itself.

Sure, I caught up with a dozen or so episodes of my soap opera: Our heroes weren't transformed into toads so then Varlamm the wizard put another hex on Efraim so that his cock would transform into a snake as soon as it entered Tatiana's crack - let's see how they get out of this one...

Yes, I even got to look through the ton of photos I have been downloading off the internet. If only I had the money to join these pay sites, I wouldn't have to scrounge around for third rate vintage leftovers. Still, beggars can't be choosers and seeing primitive dissolute dreamboats is better than seeing none at all.

Masturbate? Yeah, well, I did try, though I wasn't really in the mood. I found this one photo set which I hadn't seen before. The photos looked old, taken with some bad digital camera. The model was hot and the more I looked at him, the more I thought he kind of resembled Caleb. Except that the guy in the photos was a bleached blonde dude with a freshly shaven body who wasn't that appealing and couldn't even get it up. Not to mention that he'd left his socks on - is there a bigger turn off?

I didn't have trouble getting hard, but I found it difficult to stay focussed. I kept thinking of Caleb. Wondering what he was doing now, who he was with, wondering if I should contact him. I suppose when you have nothing to do in your life, the little things all get magnified to enormous proportions. Especially during the quiet of the night. And the nights are mighty long.

Anyway, the ejaculation was the most forgettable in living memory. A couple of small dots splattered on my tummy and some sperm ended up in my navel - don't you just hate that?

I had a disturbing e-mail from Tassy which made me feel even worse - if that's possible:
 

Hey, Milt,

Had some news about that lump I told u about some weeks ago. They ran some tests and it's some kind of cancer they say. They think they caught it early and I'll be going 2 hospital daily 2 get zapped... errr... not a lot of fun, I think.

Hope u r well.

Tass
 

Yeah, great. I'm the one who should be in her position. I'm the one who deserves to die, not Tassy. If only I had a magic wand and changed places with her... yeah, well... I said the same thing about Mother on more than one occasion. Then again, I'm sometimes in a mood where I say that my life really won't start until she dies.

I replied with a note of optimism, telling her that her news was fantastic and seeing as they'd caught it early, the chances were high that she would be cured outright. Chin up and all that... it's so much easier to give advice than to receive, isn't it?

I also had several e-mailed rejections regarding my job applications. I suppose it was nice of them to take the time to click the 'reply' button to send me their personalised rejection template...

There was a day when the rain stopped and the sun made an appearance. Like I said before, I don't know which day it was as the days all seem to be the same for me. Except that Sundays are quieter as the mechanic next door isn't working noisily.

Mother asked me to run some errands - to pay some bills and do some shopping. I really couldn't be bothered, but with the sun out, I decided it was a cheaper way to warm myself than to staying in beside the heater.

Up the street, I bumped into Miles. You know, the guy who lives in the house opposite to mine. He was going off to the gym. He's really been getting into all that lately.

We'd lost contact over more recent times. People just drift apart, I suppose. I was the first one to show him a hardcore sex magazine when I was a teenager. I think I sort of created a sex maniac as he's been obsessed ever since. Then again, so have I, right?

"Hey, buddy," he greeted me, "haven't seen you 'round for a long time! What cha been doing?"

"Oh, not much, just this and that, you know..." I replied with a tinge of disenchantment.

"Hey, we should do something together one day, you know, like the old days. We don't go out any more like buddies as we used to..."

Yeah, we used to go out... mostly to sex shops and the Pink Pussy... I didn't enjoy the latter. Something about fat chicks and cucumbers made me look at salads in a completely different light...

"You know, we really should move in together," he continued. "We'd have so much fun and we could have parties with all the hot babes every night..."

Of course, he knew that I wasn't interested at all in the chicks, so I assumed he was after some kind of reaction.

I really wasn't in the mood, though; I have nothing against Miles, but live with him? He's the type of guy who looks up to me and I'm the one who's the loser. To him, I'm the fun one, but I never felt fun. Of course, the thought entered my head that Miles is really a clever guy and just puts on an act to make me feel better - to feel superior. I suppose we're all a bit like that, eh?

"... and we've got to go to Nestor's Palace, the chicks there are hot and I know this one... oh, man, she'll do both of us at the same time! Wouldn't that be fun!" Miles chuckled.

Yes, he tends to ramble on and on and in the end, I have no idea of what he's going on about as I lose interest and block him out, but gently smile, nod and say yeah or really! So he assumes I'm still with him.

"So when are we going?" He asked.

"Going where?"

"To the whores, of course," he answered.

"What? I don't have any money right now, I thought you knew that I wasn't working..."

"Don't worry about that, I'll fix you up, that's what buddies are for! It's in the bag I tell you! I have contacts in high places," Miles gloated.

Egh....

"Look, Miles, I've really got to go and pay the bills today and do the shopping. You know how my mother panics if I'm late..."

"Oh, yeah...." he responded. "Well, I'll be in the gym so come and find me and we can go, ok?"

"Yeah, sure," I was keen to escape and get to the shops.

Of course, I avoided the main street. I couldn't face looking at Caleb or being anywhere near him.

The thought of visiting a whore sounded like not such a bad one. The longer I thought about it, the more I warmed to the idea. But then I remembered that I'm broke and that most male whores I've seen were porn stars a couple of decades ago and are now doing tricks to support any number of habits. Yes, I did some research on the subject on-line a few years ago, when I was feeling like a frumpy over-aged virgin.

Still, I'd never dare to go to such a place on my own. Hey, I wouldn't even dare to go into a sex shop on my own. I'm too gutless, you know. It's either go with Miles or don't go at all.

I mindlessly paid the bills - at least they weren't going to cut the phone or power in the near future. The shopping was a bore, I was more eager to return home and see if I could find out more about this brothel Miles mentioned.

Seeing as it was a nice day, I'd opened my window before I left the house. This can be an ordeal in itself as old windows tend to stick if not opened regularly.

Imagine my horror when I returned and my room stank the most revolting stench. It was most familiar - car fumes from the mechanic next door. It's like he does this on purpose.

I stormed in on mother, who was watching the news.

"You see what he's done? I can't even stay in my room because it stinks. I can't even open my window", I yelled at her.

"So shut your window."

"Shut it so the stench will remain inside? Open it and let the cold evening air come inside? I hope you're satisfied..."

"Why? What did I do? It's not my fault."

"You're the one who encouraged him to work there, aren't you?"

"Yes", she replied, "but you know that I had no choice. I would have done the same thing had it been you..."

"So you're not going to go over there and yell at him?"

"No, of course not..."

"Oh, you're scared of him..."

"It's not that..." she hesitated.

"Well?" I wanted a reason.

"When you're not around, when you were working, he kept an eye on me. He still takes me around when you're not home and helps with the shopping. Besides, Mick is my son - your brother - and at least he's married with children. When are you going to get married and make me a grandmother again?"

Oh, no, here we go again, she's changed the topic and made me look like the baddie again. She's so good at this. I swear, she should've been a lawyer.

How typical of her, trying to make me feel bad, comparing me to him. Ergh, the mere thought makes my skin crawl. I don't even know how such a heathen could be related to me.

"Don't forget that I have that appointment at the hospital on Monday morning and you said you'd come," she reminded me. Great.

How do I get myself into these pathetic situations what all I really want is for people to leave me alone and let me rot in my room, doing nothing, being nobody.

Then things took another weird turn today. Yes, I remember it happened today because I don't think it's the kind of thing I could forget too easily.

I decided to go out walking to clear my head and get the circulation going - recently, my extremities have starting going numb from sitting all the time.

Honestly, without meaning to, I walked past the Munch. I wasn't even paying attention where I was going, my mind was a blank when I heard a familiar voice call out my name.

Instinctively, I turned to see Caleb hollering. Yeah, great....

"Hey, where have you been guy?" He asked. "I haven't seen you around in a while."

"You missed me?" A tingling sensation started down at my toes and my heart flutter at the thought of Caleb having some - any - feeling for me or the fact that he'd been thinking about me.

"Well, we don't like to lose a good customer..." he smirked.

"Oh..." I'm sure he saw my heart sink down to my feet. Surely he couldn't be this dense...

"Guess what? I got my copy of Zom-Boner 2: Stone the Bone!"

"Wow..." I tried to sound enthusiastic, but I was really in no mood for films. In fact, I'd gone right off them after my experience watching a film with him.

"I thought you'd be thrilled!"

I faked a smile.

"Anyway," he continued, "I'm planning on having a bit of a video party with some buddies, but I didn't think you'd be interested in coming."

"Ohhh..." was there any point to this? Was he just torturing me like this on purpose? "So why are you telling me about it then?"

"Well, what I meant was..." he was fumbling, searching for some way to patch it up. "What I meant was that you wouldn't be interested because I'm going to have all these guys over, I didn't think you'd feel comfortable with all the strange dudes."

Well, he had a point there. Still, a ton of hot hunky guys might make me feel better. Hey, it couldn't make it any worse, could it?

"But if you want to come, there's surely room for one more. It's tomorrow evening. It won't be a late night because - as you know - I'm working the breakfast shift the next day."

"Oh, Ok, that sounds great," yes, finally a step in the right direction.

"Kewl, I'll see you tomorrow around six?" He raised his eyebrows.

"Yeah, see ya."

-

So that was the highlight of my week: An invitation to Caleb's - to enter his world, to see his friends. Of course I'm feeling all nervous and excited, I suppose it won't be all that bad, right?

Well better get off to bed and try have a good night of slumber and dream of tomorrow night...