Warning: This piece may contain elements of fiction, but
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Do you ever stop, think and reminisce about some event from the past, only to become more confused about whether the event actually took place or if it merely occurred in a dream?
Dreams are funny things and usually I have really wild dreams after a night of my MSG laden noodle dish. More often than not, in my ordinary dreams, I dream of places I've visited before, seeing people I have met in my waking hours.
The night before the big video party, I had a weird dream. The kind of dream that had me wondering if this really happened during my waking hours.
A meadow somewhere afar.
An old gypsy woman.
A young boy.
"You will never love," she told him. He turned away from her, confused, bewildered. As her words sunk in, a dire lachrymal emotion enveloped him. He wanted to run, but he legs were immobile.
I woke up after this wondering, trying to think back if this even actually occurred.
Somewhere, in the dark recesses of my subconscious, I recall several trips to the countryside as a young child. Lots of picnics in parks, with me mostly wanting to visit the bathrooms - especially when some other guy would be in there, so I could see why he was a man and I a boy. A sex fiend from an early age!
But a gypsy? I don't know. In the latter part of twentieth century and in this modern land?
Feeling uneasy, I couldn't get back to sleep, so decided to jump on
line. I started to organise some downloads and checked my e-mail. A few
bits of spam and a message from Tassy:
Thanx 4 the nice words, I need lots of all that now.
The dr said I have a great chance of recovery. She's a bit of a butch
dyke I know you'd just lurve!!
Anyhoo, the daily visits have started and I'm feeling a little blaaaaa. No, make that a lot... always tired, not in the mood 4 work, u know...
O, but I have this hot nurse... he's just your type, I'm sure.. Will have 2 investigate further...
Well, at least she's doing OK. I replied with more words of encouragement, reminding her that so many who were far more advanced than her have fully recovered and she'll be fine in a few weeks. As for the nurse, well... I suppose it's nice to see somebody doing something to get my life going. I myself am not into the whole matchmaking scheme.... I also mentioned about the video party that I was going to that day, all excited and full of joy!
The more I thought about it during that day, the better I felt. I was even smiling at breakfast, which made my mother suspicious.
"What's wrong with you today?" She asked.
"Oh, nothing," I replied. He thought of me, I really thought. He invited me into his domain!
"You found a job?"
"Oh, not today... I haven't heard back from the other people yet."
Great, he must have feelings for me.
The day never passes when you get up very early in the morning. So many hours and no way to fill them. I tidied up a bit, decided to make a batch of home made root beer (my specialty!) to take along to the party along with some candied popcorn - another home recipe!
I also had a very long and relaxing shower, ensuring I clean all my important bits very well! You never know... I even went to the trouble of ironing my party clothes - well, I don't wear them very often, and I iron even less often.
"I'm going," I informed mother as I was heading out the door. It was still early, but better early than late, as I always say.
"Where are you going?" Mother asked.
"Out to a party, if you must know... don't know what time I'll be back so don't wait up!"
"Oh, so you're going to that boy's house?"
"What gave you that idea?" I just love replying to a question with another question.
"Your gal pal doesn't like the films you watch - like the rest of us decent folk," mother chuckled.
"You won't be too lonely, will you?" I smiled back at her.
"I'll watch the TV and might go next door to see the lil ones if it's not too cold out..."
"It's cloudy, but not too cold and there's barely a wind out there." I glanced at my watch. "I'd better go, don't want them to start without me!"
With those words, I glided over to mother and gave her a peck on the cheek. She hates that. She despises kisses. I beamed her a quick smile and was out the door.
Caleb's house isn't too far from mine. At least it's not for somebody who walks as much as me, and its not as far as Tassy's which is on the other side of town! Nice, lush green grass, the garden free of weeds, a flashy looking abode. Perhaps The Munch pays more than I'd imagined.
"Kewl! I thought you'd never make it," Caleb laughed as he answered the door.
"Am I late?" I asked.
"No, no, just joshin' you, dude!"
"I brought you some root beer and candied pop corn. I made them fresh myself using my secret recipes."
"Great, kewl dude. Come inside, the other guys are here already," he took my offerings. He liked the fact that I made an effort? Well, I can only hope. He doesn't know just how much I hate social gatherings and outside my comfort zone this is. After all, I'm the type of guy who was always chosen last for the sports team at school.
I'm the one who never really had any friends but would invent imaginary ones, so if anybody would ever come up and ask me, I'd tell them sure, my friend has just gone to the library to catch up on some work or some such tawdry excuse.
I'm the one who was never invited to parties.
I'm the one who spent his days after school sitting alone in his bungalow, never thinking that there was a different sort of life - a life with other people. It was really only just me. Sure, I had older siblings, but they were just that: older, much older.
So I spent much of my childhood alone. Sometimes, I'd pretend I was a famous actor or singer and that I'd have all these fans and be idolised and everybody would look up to me. Other times, I'd make up stories of how great the future would be. By the year 2000, I'll have a good job, a nice big house and a family, I used to tell myself as a kid. By the year 2000, I didn't have any of these.
Of course, once I was a teenager, I found another hobby... or rather, a couple. Firstly, my brother's dirty magazine collection and secondly that playing with my cock was fun and made me feel good. One of the few things that made me feel good and... alive. It was a way to relieve the boredom. So I'd do it every day - twice, thrice a day. Except that rather than looking at the gals in the photos, I'd be concentrating more on the guys, thinking that this was only a phase, not an obsession.
"This is the guy I was telling you about. He knows all about these films," Caleb introduced me to his friends. There were three or four of them. Weird names like Possum, Wanky and Dicky. Very funny, yeah.
"Gnarly dude," one of them said to me. I just smiled nervously.
"OK, now that we're all here, let's go into the entertaining room and get started," Caleb led us into a room which was jaw dropping.
He had one of those huge projection screens connected to his DVD player and one of those ultra surround amplifiers with about a dozen speakers connected to it in every corner of the room and then some.
How could anybody so young afford this house and this gear? I suppose it could all be his parent's - but he told me that he moved out a while back...
The lights were dimmed, we were offered snacks and drinks and the narrator began:
One of mankind's most feared creations is back to haunt him. They thought the nightmare was over. They thought the "bone" had gone limp. They were wrong... dead wrong. Now, the "bone" is back, and not happy. On the rampage once more. More ferocious than ever before... there is only one way to destroy the Zom-boner and that is to... "stone the bone"...
As the opening credits ran, Possum was trying to burp in rhythm with the music. The opening theme was a catchy disco-funk tune. I must see if I can buy the soundtrack, when I have some spare cash.
One of the others was booing at the cheesy lines and somebody was having fits of laughter and farting, not to mention all the patronising remarks.
It continued that way for much of the film, except when some topless nubile maiden would appear - that's when they'd start to wolf whistle and drool. I'd even go as far as to say that they probably even left moist patches on the furniture.
I felt disgusted, indignated if you will. They were diminishing the potent power of this film with their immature actions. No wonder this film is for adults only - but for mature adults, who have an appreciation for splatter-porn, not these post adolescent hooligans.
After the video ended, we all went into the living room where more snacks and alcohol were awaiting us.
The guys would often snigger and laugh when they reminisce about "remember that time when..." and it would follow with some tacky prank one of them did during his teenaged years.
I felt uneasy. I was ignored. I was outside the clique. I couldn't connect. I was older than them. I had nothing in common with them. It was all futile, there was no way I could have a future with Caleb.In fact, I was sure he only invited me out of pity.
I farewelled them and went on my way fairly early. Caleb saw me out, but he seemed to be drunk. I didn't think the others noticed my presence, let alone my absence.
Feeling so upset and like I'd stuffed everything up again (no, I don't know how I managed it, but it's just how I felt), I decided to take a detour before going home. It was still fairly early and the fog hadn't settled. Mother wouldn't be in bed yet and I didn't want to face her and her questions.
Where did I go? What did I do? I don't know. I can't remember. The street were empty. I just kept going until I saw the odd person walking their dog or some stray peeing in some church grounds. And then I'd get upset at the thought that they'd be going home to their beloved so I'd keep going on and on and on...
I eventually found my way home. The fog was thick and the damp night air had me shivering.
Mother got out of bed when she heard me come in.
"So you're back?" She questioned me.
"As you see, it is I, not an impostor," I tried to snigger, not in a chatty mood.
She left it at that, fortunately. I was feeling low. I felt like I was bad. So bad that I deserved some punishment.
I rummaged around until I found my "s/m golden spanking" videos.
I was never much into these types of videos, but this night I felt compelled to watch something different. Something hard. Something bad.
I've been a bad boy, so what cha gonna do about it? The young guy coaxed his partner.
Pull down your pants and I'll show you, the other replied.
Slap slap slap... the guy's butt cheeks were rosy red.
Next, he was hog tied and whipped.
Yeah, it was amusing, but I was getting a bit bored. I still felt angry and frustrated at the day's events.
I've been a bad boy, so what am I going to do about it?
Lucky for me, I have a little box under my bed with some accessories: A fat 10 inch dildo; a small bottle of Hercules aroma ('not to be inhaled' the label states), nipple clamps and a yellow candle (better than the white one I had as this one burns hotter and the wax doesn't peel off easily).
Which will I use tonight? Why not everything?
After I finished stripping out of my clothes, I lit the candle and put on a nice slideshow of hot guys, when I remembered the gallery I found the other day of a guy who looked like Caleb. I fumbled around and clicked a bit until I found it and started the slide show.
Firstly, I slid the dildo up my not too happy chute. It was unlubricated and felt more like a huge cucumber. I shoved it in as far as I could.
Pain pain pain... I needed to feel...that's all I am, a pathetic cur... pain pain pain... let me howl in pain...
Next, I clipped the nipple clamps onto my nipples, I tried to grab only the middle and most sensitive part of my buds, making it far more painful and making me wince.
Pain pain pain... there's no pleasure except for pain....
The candle wax was ready for dripping, so I dripped a couple of drops on my nipples - the feeling was excruciating...
Pain pain pain... you deserve nothing better than pain...
A few drips of the hot wax on the hairs on my chest and then I slowly started a trail to lead down to my firm cock, trying to simultaneously keep bobbing on the dildo.
Pain pain pain... the only way to live is with pain
I dripped a couple of drops of the hot wax on my loose balls. They reacted by retracting somewhat. A few drops on my cock shaft and I almost hit the ceiling. I noticed that the solidifying wax on my chest had formed red burn marks.
The climax was near; I could feel the orgasm approaching. Grabbing my bottle of Hercules and inhaling deeply, my head began to spin and I tried to pinch on my nipples harder.
As I felt the sperm about to spill, I started to drip the candle wax over my cock head, staring at the photos on my PC.
See what I'm doing for you, Caleb?
My cock head was completely covered with wax and I could see the semen seeping through the cracked edges.
Cleaning up after such an event is always difficult. Ideally, I'd go and have a shower or something, but that would probably make mother suspicious. The wax was very difficult to remove. I had to be very careful with my nipples as they were extremely sensitive; the semen helped it slip off my cock head.
I was feeling hot, sweaty and tired after the long day, so packed my
goodies and went off to bed...
The following day wasn't much of a day. The clouds rolled in and the thunder began to threaten. Something like what I had been feeling the night before.
I wasn't in the mood for anything - not even watching one of my Bo Sharpe fuck flicks.
Ergo, I sat with mother. I'm sure she sensed that all wasn't right with me, but at least she didn't ask any questions about the previous night.
"You know what I was thinking?" she began.
"I don't know that I really want to..." I replied.
"It's almost that time of the year again."
"What time?" I had no idea what she was talking about. After all, my birthday was last month.
"It's that the time of the year I have a dinner party for my family."
"Are you joking? You can't have such a party this year, anyway." I rolled my eyes and groaned.
"Why not?" She asked.
"Firstly, you're sick - how are you going to throw a party?" I knew how - she'd get me to do most of the work.
"I'll do the cooking. We can buy some pre-cooked things as well."
"And what about everything else... like the washing up and the preparation and all that?"
"Well, I'm expecting you to help out too," she pointed out.
I dreaded these family dinner parties. This year would be even worse as I don't really get on with either sibling.
"I'm not talking to your son, so you can't have him over," I snapped at her.
"Why can't you make an old woman happy? You know how I like to have my whole family together, to see my children happy. Who knows if I'll be alive this time next year..." her little old lady act wasn't fooling me.
"Oh, but there's another reason why you can't have this party," this was going to be the doozie.
"The fact that your beloved husband is living it up on the other side of the globe."
"Yes, you remember your husband? I don't think he's remembered you, though."
"Well, he didn't call for your birthday, did he? He was never good at remembering all those things," she had to remind me.
Yeah, use whichever excuse you like, mother. I'm not impressed. After all, he cashed in his shares, went on an international bonking spree and left us here. We haven't heard from him in months.
"Well, we've still got to have this party," she insisted.
I wasn't impressed.
"One last time. Come on, do it for me!"
OK, so I fell for it. I suppose that at the very least, I'd be busy washing, scrubbing, preparing so I wouldn't have time to think about ... errr... what was his name again?
"Good, we can have it next weekend..."
"What? That soon? How will we get everything ready in time?"
"Well, it's not like you have anything else to do..." that was correct "... except to take me to the hospital tomorrow like you said you would. You know how I get confused when I'm in all those tall buildings..."
Yeah, well, it would get me out of the house.
We both shut up as the news was on.
Police are baffled at this latest murder. Father Jonas was beloved by his congregation and his community. His badly mutilated body was found early this morning and we understand that this may have been a ritual murder of an underground Satanic cult. Police won't rule out that it's connected to the murder of elderly Gunter von Grumph and couldn't confirm whether he'd been castrated before or after death.
"It's all that moral turpitude, that's what it is", some old guy ranted. "The politicians are too scared to do anything about it. I tell you, it's a Satanic conspiracy, it's all in the Bible."
The street in the background looked vaguely familiar, and then I remembered that I'd passed it yesterday. Was it on the way there... no, I think it was around the place where I saw the dog peeing last night. How bizarre. A shiver ran down my spine as I sat there, trying to make sens of it all.
The doorbell rang, and made us jump.
"You go get it, it might be the murderer or something," mother said in a serious tone.
"Oh, yes, so he'll kill me and not you? Smart thinking."
"No, he'll see you as the tough guy you are and he'll run off!"
I sniggered as I went off to cautiously answer the door. It was almost dark and we don't ever get visitors after dark; mother simply won't answer the door.
It was Caleb! I had to rub my eyes as I couldn't believe it.
"Hey, what are you doing here?" I asked.
"Oh, I was working late today - we were very busy, so I decided to pop around on my way home and... errr.. Apologise for yesterday. My buddies are a bit wild and rowdy, aren't they?"
"Ahhhh.... I suppose you could say that!" I smiled.
"I could see how uncomfortable you were, but I couldn't do anything... you know, they're my pals, after all."
"Oh, I see." Yes, I saw all right. They're all more important than me. Those imbeciles who have a collective IQ less than their collective average age. He valued them more than me and all I had to offer.
"And the party finished just after you left, so you didn't miss much, except for a belching contest," he continued.
I stood and nodded, not knowing what to say.
There was a bit of silence before he broke it with "well, I'd better be going, it's getting late and I have to study."
"OK, see you 'round," and I shut the door and wanted to shut him out
of my life completely. Surely, after all this time he'd realise that I
had some feelings for him? That I meant something to him? But no, no...
things never go that easy for me. I'm not worth it, after all.
I chaperoned mother to the hospital the following morning. Getting up early was very difficult as it was almost below freezing outside and staying in my warm, toasty bed sure was tempting.
Mother had to go and get some tests done. Fortunately, the tests for all her ailments are conducted at the same time, so we only have to go to the hospital a couple of times a year, as well as go back for the results.
Picture my surprise when I bumped into Tassy in the waiting room. She was not looking terribly well; she looked exhausted with puffy eyes and her hair was, well... ratty. Poor thing. I can only imagine how unpleasant the treatment has been for her.
"Hey, Tassy! Fancy bumping into you here. You're looking well," I just had to lie.
"No, I don't, but thanks. What are you doing here anyway?" She asked morosely.
"Mother has an appointment for her assortment of urine and blood tests. You know, nothing special."
"Yeah, I know... once you get involved with hospitals, they never let you go..." I could see the pain and torment in her eyes.
"Hey, when will you come around for lunch at The Munch?"
"When I'm feeling better, looking better and have some energy. I feel so pooped that all I want to do is sleep. Even my cat's not been getting much attention recently. How are you doing with the hot boy?"
"Oh, well, nothing to say. I went over to his place the other day..."
"Ooh, tell all, this should be good!" Tassy attempted to smile.
"Well, there's nothing to tell," I couldn't look her in the eye. "It was a complete mess. His buddies were there and they're a bunch of half-wits. There's just no point in pursuing it any further..."
"Why? It's not like you've got the hots for his friends!"
"True, and he did come over to apologise afterwards."
"So, where's the problem then?" She tried to put feeling into the words, but she sounded too tired and unwell.
"Well," I didn't quite know how to word it so it would make sense to her. Even if it did, all my wallowing in self pity wouldn't have received any sympathy anyway. "I'm not worth it", I blurted out quickly, "and I think he's into girls."
"Oh, not this again, how many times have I told..."
"Excuse me?" A handsome nurse interrupted us.
"Oh, Sergio. Good morning," Tassy greeting him. "Are they ready for me?"
"Yes, if you'd come this way..." Sergio helped her up.
"He's the one I told you about", Tassy whispered in my ear before she was wheeled off in a wheelchair.
Hmmm... nice. I think Sergio and I....no, no, no. I won't go there again. I won't even think about a guy I hardly know. I won't start planning a future with him before being introduced to him. This is madness. What's wrong with me?
I had trouble clearing my mind on the way home. Caleb... Sergio...
We stopped to do some shopping. Mother went into her favourite deli to stock up on cold meats, cheeses and other snacks. I waited for her outside as the smell of all the smallgoods makes me feel ill. Wherever I looked, I saw couples walking together. Holding hands, laughing. One couple was arguing in a car.
When am I going to get my share of all this? When will my life really begin?
On the way home, mother wanted to stop and look at some wedding procession. A wedding on a week day? The bride was coming out of the church. Another happy couple, great.
"When am I going to admire you as a groom? Your brother and sister are married, I hope I'll live long enough to see your children as well," mother sighed.
I just didn't have the heart to break it to her. How could I tell her that this wish of hers would never come true? How disappointed she would be, not to mention how I'd feel like even more of a failure.
But my thoughts went back to Caleb... Sergio... Caleb... Sergio...who was the man for me? Both, perhaps? Nay, most likely neither. No, I'm just a weird geek with no money and no future prospects.
I'm really not worth it.