Sometimes, I have nights when I feel restless and cannot get to sleep.

Nights when I feel like I shouldn't be in bed.

Nights when I feel boxed in being in my room.

Nights when I creep out the house.

Where do I go? Wherever the road takes me. Sometimes I walk, sometimes, I don't. Sometimes I go far, sometimes I stay in the neighbourhood.

In the middle of the cold night, every street is deserted. It feels like one giant sound stage, completely surreal. It's like I could yell out "lights... camera... action" and the whole street will come to life: People would come on stage, cars drive up and down. Through the misty backdrop, you can just make out the city's sky scrapers, still lit.

Alas, tonight there's not a soul to be seen. The last light in one of the houses is switched off as they all make their way to bed. I wonder how many people are fucking right now - in the dark.

Sometimes, I keep walking to the point where I don't know where I am or how I got there, but I always find myself safe at home eventually.

The traffic lights looked lonely, so I did them the favour of waiting until they turned green to cross. The shops all shut and dark, except for the occasional flickering neon sign.

It's always fascinated me to be out in the middle of the night. Almost like some forbidden taboo, with mother going on about all the murderers out there whereas there's nothing but tranquillity.

Outside, it's just me. I can even pee in some stranger's garden if I wish. I'm in control and can get up any mischief without any consequences...

As always, I end up home, thinking about where I've been and if I've been there at all or if it was just a dream. Perhaps I was sleepwalking? It's just one of these things about reality - I never know. I don't think I want to know. The mystery of it all makes it far more exciting.

My finger was sore. Fuck. It's been sore since the day after mother's party where I washed tons of dishes. Now I can't spend much time ... errr... playing with myself...

I jumped onto the internet and began downloading the usual array of nude dudes.

A couple of e-mails were awaiting me. The first was from Tassy:
 

Hey!

It was nice to see you at the hospital the other week. Haven't been able to write much or anything, have been too tired and all I want to do is sleep.

The doctors ran some tests on me today and said that all went well with the therapy and that the tumour's almost completely gone. They say that I should be alright in a few months, but until then, my body will continue to combat the nasty bug.

I hope 2 c u in a couple of weeks 4 lunch maybe, when I'm all bettr so we can go shopping and so I can tell you things.

C ya

T
 

Shopping? What? I don't like shopping. I think she's still a bit under the weather, poor thing. What could she have to tell me, anyway? I replied quickly telling her that we can go out when she's up to it and that I was looking forward to seeing her.

I had another e-mail, which surprised me and had me wondering if I was dreaming. It was from Caleb!
 

Hi there Milt

It's me Caleb. I havent seen you around for a while and just wondered where you are???? I hope your well.

bye

from Caleb
 

Well... I was stunned. Where did he find my e-mail address? I didn't give it to him. Was he really trying to tell me that he's missed not seeing me or is it just the measly tip I leave him when I go to the cafe?

OK, so it was just after 6 am, I was getting tetchy. I made myself a quick coffee and my mind was buzzing with Caleb and the message he'd sent.

Curious and high on the caffeine jolt I just had to help get me through the day, I walked up to The Munch first thing.

Sure enough, they were just opening up. Caleb just got in and was preparing the tables for the breakfast crowd.

"Hey dude! It's a bit early for you, isn't it?" He greeted me with a smile. His nice, warm smile.

"I didn't get any sleep last night so I thought I'd pop in for a cup of hot water..." yeah, whatever... hot water's the cheapest thing on the menu.

"Really?" His eyes lit up. "Well, I couldn't sleep much last night either. It must be a full moon or something out there..." he looked out but the new day had begun and the moon was nowhere to be seen.

"I was looking at my e-mail earlier, and found a message from you."

"Oh, that, I forgot I sent that days ago. I hope you didn't mind me e-mailing you. I just felt..." He paused. "You don't mind, do you?"

"No, why should I? It's better than the spam I get most days," I replied, with a pseudo smile on my face. "What were you going to say? What did you feel?"

"Oh, nothing. I was just being silly. I'm like that, you know. It's like when the blood sugar levels go down. You know."

"Hey, ummm," I was confused, "where did you find my e-mail address? I don't recall having given it to you."

"Oh, that! Your friend gave it to me. That chick you came in with a while back."

"Tassy? She came here and didn't tell me to meet her for lunch?"

"I guess three's a crowd," he replied.

"What do you mean?" This was starting to get weird.

"She was with some guy. I don't know, I'd never seen him before, but they were looking rather friendly, if you know what I mean."

"Oh, wow... I had no idea..." Tassy usually tells me everything. Well, I tell her everything and expected her to do the same! I'd have to scold her!

He handed me a cup of hot water on the house. I placed a firm grip around the cup, if only to warm my hands.

"So, what have you been doing, man? Haven't seen you for ages. I even thought...oh, fuck it..."

This was getting increasingly frustrating - the way he'd start a sentence only to leave me guessing.

"We had a family dinner the other night so I had a lot of work to do around that. It's not like you missed me or anything, is it?" I looked at him, blowing gently into my cup to cool the water to down to a more drinkable temperature.

"Miss you? Never," he laughed. I wasn't sure whether to take him seriously or not. "It's just that you're one of the fun dudes who come here. Most of the others are... well..."

"Stuck up yuppies?" I offered.

"Exactly... all they want is their food and their drink. But I know that you're different. You want more from me, don't you?" He looked into my eyes with the type of look I'd seen before somewhere.

Now I was starting to feel uncomfortable. Is he inferring what I'm thinking?

"What do you mean?" I enquired.

"Come on, you know what I mean. Don't play coy with me..."

I gave my best butter wouldn't melt in my mouth blank look, but inside my heart was racing at the thought that he knew I have the hots for him. Not here, not now.

"Friendship," he finally said. "What did you think I was talking about?"

"Oh," I smirked. "Nothing. I thought that our friendship was implied so there was no point in mentioning it." Phew, that got me off the hook for now.

"Unless you have something else on your mind?" He asked coyly.

"Me?" I shrugged and shook my head with a sly look in my eye, sipping my cup and trying to avoid looking into his eyes.

The morning's first couple of customer's were entering.

"It's shocking I tell you, soon it won't be safe to leave the house", the middle aged gruff man told his female companion.

"Poor Bert. Who would have done such a thing? I hear that they didn't steal any of his money, so why would they have done such a horrible thing?" She asked him.

"All I know is that I was supposed to have a meeting with him about some stock portfolios - he had some good tips for me and I guess he's taken them to the grave now," said the man.

Ewww.. Another murder. I'm sure the media will have a field day with this one.

"Well I'd better go and leave you to it," I left Caleb to his work as more customers were entering the Munch.

Back at home, mother was up and about. As I entered, she ran and hugged me.

"Oh, you're alive!" She cried.

"What? What are you talking about? Why wouldn't I be?" I noticed she had tears in her eyes.

"On the radio before they said something about another murder. Some rich businessman. I went in to see you in your room and when I saw your bed empty, I worried. Where did you go?"

"I just went out for an early morning walk. Don't worry, I'm fine! Besides, I'm neither rich nor a businessman!"

"In this cold you went walking? It's going to snow any day now and you're out walking in the freezing cold?"

"Walking is a good way to warm up the body, you know. You should try it sometime. Anyway, don't worry about me. I forgot to ask you about your test results the other day - what did your doctor say?"

"Nothing new. Things are slowly deteriorating. He said I should take it easy to try and keep my blood pressure down and is putting me on new, cheaper medication. But how can I relax when I'm worried about you?"

"Don't worry, I'm not a child you know!"

"You're my baby..." yeah, she'll never let me forget that.

"At least they sent the results to your GP so we didn't have to make the trip back to the hospital." Thank goodness for small mercies
 

---
 

A couple of mornings later, I was woken up by the telephone. It's bad enough trying to wake up normally, but to get a shocking telephone ring blasted right at you is enough to make you want to curse at the person on the other end. Fortunately, decency - the little I have remaining - forbade me from doing so. On the other end was a woman from a job agency! How exciting!

"You applied for a position with Golex Enterprises recently. I apologize for not calling earlier. We've had half the staff off with the 'flu." She explained.

"That's OK," I tried to sound as courteous as I could.

"Tell me, how experienced are you with the HizBiz package?"

"Not very. I've heard of it and looked at it briefly. I've used HirNess for several years with my previous employer."

She shuffled some papers. "Oh... I see. Well, my client specifically wants somebody experienced in HizBiz. I don't think there's any point in pursuing this any further. Good bye."

And before I could say another word, she slammed the phone.

How pathetic was that?! There was no mention of HizBiz in the ad when I applied for the position, and had she looked at my resume, she would have seen the packages I'm familiar with.

It's like they do this on purpose - to make you think they want to employ you, to bring you up so high that the fall is even greater. For all I know, it's company policy to advertise for positions at Golex and in the end they'll give the job to the director's grand nephew who's fresh out of school. Grrrrr... Fuck it.

There's been so much talk from those fascists about there must be something wrong with you if you can't find a job on the TV recently - a view shared by my loving father They're the ones who are out of touch with reality; I've applied for several dozen positions and barely get a reply from any of them. They just don't want to give you a go.

The longer it takes for me to find a job, the more I awake to the realisation that I'll never find one.

Of course, when mother asked who called, I told her it was somebody wanting to sell me life insurance. I didn't want her to know just how much of a failure I really am.

It's times like these when I settle back with some of my favourite videos. I caught up with my soapie: Varlamm's plan for our heroes was thwarted. He put a hex on Nestor so that his cock would transform into a snake as soon as it entered Tatiana's crack. What he didn't know was that Tatiana's fairies came to visit her in her dreams the night before and gave her a vial they told her was spermicide to put inside her - but of course, it was anti-venom and the spell was broken as seen as Efraim's cock head touched Tatiana's crack lips. Even so, our couple didn't get to consummate their love as they were interrupted by an earthquake induced by the furious Varlamm.

I think they're getting a bit desperate for the plot now. The whole novelty has worn off and I don't think I can be bothered putting up with Lost Virtues for much longer.

To cheer me up, I jumped onto the internet to surf for smut, when I discovered something that promising which got me excited: A new online adult video shop that exchanges tapes. Wow! I have so many that I've been getting bored of watching, if I can get fresh meat, I'm sure it'd get me going again.

As much of a fan of Bo Sharpe as I am, he's not made anything new recently and newcomer Jenson Johnson has that innocent beefy college guy look that gets me hard every time.

Hence, I spent the rest of the dreary afternoon going through the boxes of tapes from under my bed, watching some to decide on which to keep. The decision wasn't easy. For example, A Mouthful of Sperm has to stay, with all those oral cumshots and guys who are enjoying it all, though the lesser Some Jizz for da Mouth has to go as the sperm is fake and the receivers look annoyed and aren't into the action.

Looking through all the porn got me all hot and hard. I wondered really just how hard I could get without touching myself and if I could ejaculate as well! It was torture, I must admit! It was like being on fire and holding a bucket of water but unable to throw the water over the fire!

I stood up and shook my hard cock, which made it even worse. I tried thrusting up into the air and felt like I was going to explode.. It was unbearable!

I shut my eyes, thrusting my erection into the air, listening to the moans and groans coming from the videos, imagining I was the one being sucked - and the guy sucking me was not Bo Sharpe but my own Caleb.

Harder, harder, suck me harder. That's it, take it all in, you can do it. I'm going to fill your mouth with my hot fresh ball juice just like you're begging me to...

My thrusts were becoming shorter and faster and my breathing shallower. I knew I couldn't take much more of this.

I moved to the edge of my computer desk so me enlarged cock head could feel the rough edges of the woodwork, a texture that would help me orgasm.

And boy did it! Spurt after spurt, I could hardly believe it and only after I finished wiping it all up did I notice that a few drops had made it all the way to the monitor!

That was one fucked orgasm!
 

-
 

The following day was bitterly cold. The gloomy clouds hung low and were threatening to unleash their fury. An icy cold wind meant that the outdoors was a real no-no. Mother sat in front of the heater and watched a lot of television. She even fell asleep for a while.

I was bored so I decided to jump onto my old exercise bike for a while. If nothing else, it's a good way to keep warm for a while. Besides, my weights are out of the question now with my sore finger.

I did get bored of it, though. There's really no point in it. Really no point in any of it.

A hard rain began to fall, some hail as well.

I jumped in front of the heater and stood there, as if it's the only thing in the world which would protect me against the cold.

We were watching some film on the TV. One of those films about futile, unrequited love. The kind of thing with which I'm too familiar.

It was about this couple, and no matter how well suited they were for each other, fate would deal them a nasty blow and the closer they became, the further apart they got. Until the end, when they ended up dying in each other's arms. Yeah, just the thing to lift the spirits.

At least it made me realize how pointless falling in love is. I did try it in the past. One didn't reciprocate the feeling and the other ended up dead. Great, eh? I suppose there are more fish in the ocean, but who needs them when I still have a good, working hand?

Even the most well-adjusted people have a rough time of it, so there's no point in me even trying. After all, we're born alone, so we die alone.

"What's wrong?" Mother asked, as I was trying to control myself. "You've not been yourself lately. Your ships sank?"

I really didn't want to discuss all this stuff with mother. She's not the type of person who knows all about feeling and emotions.

"I know what it is," she admitted "It's your finger, isn't it? It's painful?"

I nodded.

"You can give it a bit of a rub. That might help, you know. Or you can go to the doctor."

"No," I glared at her. "No doctor. We don't have money for such luxuries."

"You still have some of your savings left, don't you?"

"Of course, but I'm saving that money for a rainy day. Who's going to pay for your burial when you die?" The conversation was taking a more morbid twist.

"Don't worry about that. I've been saving money each week from my pension for my burial."

That was a relief.

We sat there in silence for a while, until I decided to test the waters.

"How did you know that you were in love with father?"

"In love?" She replied. "Are you joking? I wasn't in love with him. His parents were constantly haggling me to marry him - probably to get him off their hands."

"So you never had any feelings for him?"

"No, certainly not. I'll even tell you that if I knew all the things I'd go through by his side, I would have surrendered myself to a convent."

Wow, imagine that, I wouldn't even be here now. Not that it would be a bad thing.

"Why all the questions? Who are you in love with?" She asked.

"Huh? Oh, nobody, I was just curious."

"You know, I think you have too much idle time on your hands. You think too much and make yourself sick. If you're not careful, you'll end up like me - or worse."

"Worse - how?"

"How? Well, you have me here now. I can look after you. When I die, you'll be alone in this world. Nobody will tell you that everything will be all right. You'll have to wash your own underwear. Nobody will nurse you when you're sick, like you were recently. Nobody will care for you."

At least she was honest, and I could see it was painful for her. Also, she didn't start preaching to me about marriage. I could see she was getting upset so I went up to her and gave her a big hug and a big sloppy kiss on the cheek, which made her smile.

She was right. I have nothing. I am a lonely soul.