Memories are funny things, aren't they? Especially peculiar is how some of them can be triggered off. It could be a photo, a scent or a melody.

A few years ago, I found a bottle of old perfume in a box and the aroma made me think of my grandmother, it was her favourite. I asked mother, and she was astonished that I remembered, seeing as me grandparents died when I was still a toddler.

Days have been cold and lazy. But during one of the bright days, when the sun peeked out for a brief appearance, I decided to clean my room, air out the bedding and vacuum. I can't say the chores are fun, but sitting around all day gets boring - even for me.

Under my bed, amongst the numerous boxes of porn, I found a small box in a corner up the back, with some old audio cassettes. I put on the first cassette as I was dusting and was pleasantly surprised: It was a tape of my sister's which she left behind when she married. I remember all those long Spring evenings when I'd sit with her and listen to songs, or study with her.

Days of blissful innocence, days with no problems. I suspect it's almost like that now, seeing as I try to avoid reality as much as I can. I like to sleep a lot. To dream wild dreams where everything is nice and it's not cold and I'm wanted and loved.

After vacuuming, I put on the second tape as I tried to make some space for the new batch of Prestige Porn that arrived for me a couple of weeks back - see just how slack I'd become? I mean, I haven't even seen most of the videos...

Anyway, the second cassette was of songs I used to listen to when I was in high school. Music was really my life back then. The more songs I heard, the more I recalled that this was a compilation tape I made for my high school crush, Zac.

It would come as no surprise to learn that I was quite the loner at school. Zac was one of the few guys who - albeit temporarily - hung out with me. We were in most of the same classes one year and in a timetable nightmare, I was the only other guy in those classes with him, so he was stuck with me.

I was in love. He was perfect. A dark tan, he'd even sprouted facial hair.

During the lunch breaks, I'd not see him as he was off playing any one of a number of sports he was into. Looking at him got me all hot. Occasionally, I'd test the waters and lightly poke or touch him. On hot afternoons, I'd gently bow on the perspiration on the back of his neck to cool him down during a boring algebra class, anything to keep him happy. I could no longer concentrate on my studies, I was transfixed on Zac.

At night, in the realm of my dreams, I'd fantasise about him. Our tongues would dart at each other. I'd feel his hard body, long to touch to hard cock which was already rigid for me.

I would kneel down before him, noticing the lack of tan lines, gently licking the salty precum from his hard cock head. Zac would moan, asking me -nay, begging me - to take it all in my mouth.

Slowly, I'd lick and begin sucking the head, wrapping my warm lips around it. It felt velvety smooth. I slowly put the whole erection in as far as I could.

He'd grow wild, sounding like a dog in heat. I'd bury my nose in his small patch of pubic hair, looking up and wondering just how hairy he'd become by the time he finished sprouting hair. A nice treasure trail and perhaps a bit of fur between the pecs?

No time to stop the action, though. I'd be sucking as hard as I can, bobbing my head up and down swiftly. This would drive him mad. As the impending orgasm was fermenting in his nutsack, his hands would grab hold of me; he'd grow weak at the knees from the intensity of the orgasm!

Several spurts would all end up down my gullet and, reluctantly, I'd let his still semi erect penis out of my mouth.

That was all I wanted - to give him as much pleasure as I could. Sure, it would've been nice for him to give some back, but I never expected it and was happy just to know that a part of him was in me.
 

The click of the cassette stopping as the tape finished returned me to the present.

I was sick of cleaning and I noticed that it was still early. There were another couple of hours of daylight, so I told mother I'd go and do a bit of shopping and go for a walk.

My mind resumed reminiscing and before I could think of where I was going, my legs were walking a familiar route - I was walking the well-trodden path I'd walked for years, what seemed a lifetime ago: I was walking back to school.

I remembered more about Zac. I remembered the time I had the mumps and he rode his bike all the way to my house to bring me some homework. I remembered the time we went to the city together and spent the afternoon playing the pinball machines and eating fast food.

I even remembered how the more time I spent with him, the deeper I fell in love with him. Well, that's what I thought. Remember that I never had any friends, so I couldn't tell the difference between loving a friend and loving a lover. Feelings and emotions weren't my forte.

Of course, he didn't feel the same way. But he humoured me for a while. He told me that if I'd help him with his homework, he'd let me give him a hand job - and how I longed to see the rest of his body! The thought of coming to contact with his hard phallus resulted in many a heart flutter.

As expected, I agreed to help him, so to keep his end of the bargain, he came home with me one afternoon when I knew everybody would be out.

I was eager and could feel my heart racing excitedly in anticipation. This is it!

"You don't mind if I go and take my clothes off in another room?" Zac asked.

I didn't think anything of it, so pointed him to the direction of one of the other bedrooms. He expected me to do the same, but I didn't; the whole aim was for me to see him naked and bring him pleasure, I didn't expect him to reciprocate and as much as I loved him, I didn't feel right with him seeing me naked. Not yet, anyway.

A couple of moments later, he popped his head out and looked at me.

"You're not ready yet?" He queried.

"Don't worry about me... how are you going?"

He came out and was still wearing his clothes, minus a shirt.

"I know you don't want to do this. I was only joking. You're not gay, I know you're not."

"But you promised!" I reminded him.

"So, I'll help you with your physics homework next week."

I shook my head. A deal was a deal after all.

He was looking nervous. Good. A nice nervous virgin for me!

I walked into the bedroom with him, so we could get started. He was probably nervous and I wanted to make him feel at ease. After all, I didn't want him thinking that I was going to tell all his friends about our little romp at school tomorrow.

Instead, what followed was a chase around the bedroom and the house. I wanted it, he knew I wanted it but he wouldn't give it to me.

Not being very athletic, there was no reaching Zac. He ended up grabbing his things and running out of the house before I could catch up.

The following day at school, things became rather strained. He didn't want to have anything to do with me. That was it. The end. The unrequited pensive lover strikes again.

After the last day of school, he sent me a letter. I was so touched. He said how he thought I was just going through a phase and how he'd like us to be friends, but he can't see that happening as I couldn't accept him for what he was, and he was serious about a girl in his neighbourhood.

I didn't hear from him again. He moved, I believe, so there was no way we could keep in touch. If you're out there, anywhere, Zac... I still think about you and you'll forever hold a special place in my heart.

Mind you, by now he's probably married with a good half dozen litter, bald and pot bellied. But he's still my first, and they say one never forgets one's first.
 

So, there I was, standing before the very high school I attended all those years ago. Sure, it got a facelift and there were some new buildings, but the most familiar ones - the library, where I spent many an afternoon, and the gym, which I dreaded more than anything - were still stood there and will probably still be standing long after I've gone.

Funny how most of the memories I have of that place are unpleasant. Like the time they wanted to dismiss me from school as I wouldn't participate in gym class. I was mortified at having to change in front of the other boys.

On the walk back home, after doing the shopping, I decided I'd use some of my newly founded courage. I'd go to Caleb and tell him everything.

Stepping into The Munch, I saw no sign of him. Fuck. He must have left for the day. Swiftly, I turned around and walked out. Well, in some ways, telling Caleb everything would be a load off my mind, however... his reaction might not be too pleasant.

It's just a chance I've got to take. I can't stand this anymore. Even if I lose him, it won't make any difference to our 'relationship'.
 
 

The weather took a turn for the worst. The roads were icy, the nights frosty.

Tassy sent me an e-mail reminding me of our lunch in the city:
 

M,

I found this nice place called Jimmy's. The food's good and not too $$$ !!

Have something 2 tell u, so u'd better b there.

O & we can go shopping!

Tass
 

Jimmy's? Never heard of the place. Then again, I can't remember the last time I was in the city for lunch. Still, nice of Tassy to think of my financial status.

I had another e-mail, one from somebody I'd not heard from in a while:
 

Good afternoon Milt,

I have great pleasure in announcing that I shall be returning to your city next week to visit some friends for the holidays. I trust I'll be staying for a week or two. I expect to see you at a reputable culinary establishment of your choice?

Be good.

Oh, John and I have split up. He's having a middle-aged crisis fling with one of his freshmen.

Yours,

Collin
 

Well, that was a surprise!

Collin was one of those people I feel like I've known forever. Actually, I can't even pinpoint where or when we first met - probably through work or something. He's the only real gay guy I know. Very... refined. In fact, a bit too refined. He's an antique dealer and moved to the other side of the country with his lover when John got a promotion as head professsor or dean or something. Collin opened his own antiques shoppe.

They must've left a good three years ago, and we've been in contact via e-mail on and off since then. I write and he writes and he'll usually say something to annoy me (which he's very good at) and I won't bother replying.

But they've broken up? That's a bit of a shock. I thought their relationship was much stronger than my parents'...
 
 

My, how the city has changed, I thought. Not particularly for the better, with all those yuppies running around everywhere.

I hate going to the city - especially on the weekends as it seemed to attract all types of religious zealots on every street corner.

I looked down to avoid all eye contact, until I found Tassy at our designated meeting point.

Tassy was looking better than the last time I saw her at the hospital some weeks back. Her hair was still looking somewhat ratty but at least it was growing back. Her face looked fresher, which is probably due to the fact that she spent much of her time sleeping when she was going through therapy. She was over all her treatment and her latest test put her in the clear.

"Hey, guy, nice to see you finally made it," Tassy greeted me.

"Yeah, well, these things happen... I haven't been here for a long time. Can't say I miss the city."

"Lucky you don't work here, then!" She smiled.

I smiled back as we ordered our meals and sat down in a crowded corner. We were lucky to find a table.

"How are you?" she asked with a look of concern in her eyes.

"Oh, you know. Still alive. Still breathing...."

"That doesn't answer my question," she firmly stated.

"Distancing myself from reality has helped," I laughed. "I think I've had enough of the whole job search thing. Couldn't even get a job as a phone sex operator."

"I can't see you as a whore," Tassy smirked.

"I can!" I sighed..."Well, if I was a bit younger and better looking and had a different attitude, perhaps..."

Tassy rolled her eyes.

"It was Leon's birthday last week," I told her.

"Oh?"

"Yeah, I watched the video we made together. I even put on a bit of a show for him." I looked down as I felt something in my eye. "It's all pointless."

"What is?"

"Everything. He's gone. I have no idea what planet Caleb's on. I remembered my first unrequited crush the other day. I just can't be bothered any more."

"It'll get better," she offered.

"You really think so?"

"No, but it just sounded like the thing to say," she smiled.

I wanted to smile but couldn't. Our meals arrived. Nice and steaming hot.

"All I want to do is sleep," I told her. "Sleep and keep away from the real world, sleep and dream of nice places, you know?"

"You're just depressed," she said, scoffing down her meal like she's not eaten in days.

"Hey, I had an e-mail from Collin yesterday," I tried to avoid the subject of my feelings.

"Who? Oh, you mean that old queer who was pawing you at that party?"

"Yes, him..." OK, so Collin got a bit drunk and couldn't keep his paws off me. I didn't think that somebody as prim and proper as him would behave in such a manner. And the object of his desire was me. I was flattered, but... I didn't like the idea of fucking somebody who could verbally assault me in a manner that I wouldn't understand.

"What did he have to say for himself? I thought he moved away years ago?"

"Yes, well... he's coming here next week and wand to dine with me..."

Tassy raised her eyebrows.

"It's not what you think... I could never... noooo... not with him. Besides, he and John just split up."

"That makes it all the more easy! He's coming to get you to take John's place."

"No way, Tassy. Never. N-e-v-e-r..." I sighed. "See, if somebody as well adjusted as Collin can't make a relationship last, what chance have I got?"

She just gave me one of her looks as if to say if you're going to have a pity party, keep me out of it.

"Oh, Tassy, I almost forgot! You said in your e-mail about wanting to tell me something?"

"Ah, that," she stalled as she finished the last bite of her meal. "How's yours? Mine was really nice. Hit the spot perfectly."

"Yes, something nice and hot and delicious... what were you going to tell me?"

"I was going to tell you..." she said slowly, "... about my pussy!"

"Your pussy!" I knew where this was heading, the old café game to see how many patrons we can get to walk out in disgust. There were a few blue rinsers and yuppies to offend. Still, bizarre that Tassy would say that this was something important.

"What about your pussy?" I raised my voice.

"My poor pussy hasn't been too well. I've had to shave her and now she feels all slippery and cold." We were getting demonic stares from the next table.

"Oh no! Your poor pussy," I consoled her. "Is there anything you can do to warm up your pussy?"

"Oh, yes, I have a great idea. My pussy needs a nice, warm...."

Yeah, say it...

"... bushy..."

Come on, come on..

"COCK!"

Goal! The yuppies from the table next to Tassy got up and walked off in a huff. The old ducks on another table were staring and trying to make out what we were talking about.

"A cock you say?" I played along. "Tell me, dear one, why does your pussy need a cock?"

"Because I know a good cock will keep her busy for hours and keep her from getting cold. You have a cock, don't you?"

One of the waiters came over to our table and mumbled something about keeping our voices down as there were children in the restaurant. Funny how I didn't see any.

"I used to have a chicken, but never a rooster, bad luck," I giggled.

"Oh, well, I'll have to keep the heating on high for the old cat then. She's so hopeless, she likes to chase chickens and birds and mice but she won't kill them." She giggled as we paid our bill and walked into the blustering windy afternoon.

"It's too cold!" I whined as a cold gust chilled me to the bone.

"I wonder if it'll snow for Christmas?" Tassy pondered. I didn't care either way.

"What's all this shopping you want to do?" I asked her as we waited for the lights to go green.

"Oh, yeah! I wanted to buy myself a new DVD player and I wasn't sure of what to buy and I know that you know all about these things..."

"Well, hardly. I don't have one, but let's have a look around." I turned and looked at her. "You don't have any DVDs - what are you going to watch?"

"I'll find something..."

"Oh, I forgot... you have that secret cache of lesbian love dog anal videos under your mattress!"

She laughed. I felt a bit better because I was entertaining her - I hope! - along with being helpful.

We walked in and out of a half dozen shops - the prices didn't vary too much for what Tassy was after. We ended up going back to the first shop and buying a basic model.

For my reward, Tassy bought me a coffee and we sat in one of those trendy yuppie hangout cafeterias.

"The decor of this place reminds me of a film I once saw..." I told her.

"Really, what was it?"

"It was an... ummm... art film, tastefully made, great decor, nice furnishings, well directed and perfectly edited."

"Wow," Tassy sounded enthusiastic, "it sounds like it's one for me to buy on DVD!"

"I'm sure you'll enjoy it immensely," I laughed.

"What's so funny? Hey, what's the film called?"

"It's called Cum Slurping Double Penetrated Skank Whores 3," I laughed.

"Not to be mistaken for parts 1 or 2?" She laughed along.

"No, not to be mistaken for Double Golden Penetrated Cum Drinking Hussies 3!"

Laughing is good, and the afternoon I spent with Tassy made me feel better. It made me feel like I should propose marriage to her or something!

Alas, all good things must come to and end, and after I bid her farewell with the usual your turn to e-mail me! I was on the way home.

The rain commenced a couple of minutes after I shut the front door.

Mother was sitting, knitting something probably for brother's baby.

"How was lunch? What did you eat?"

"Why do you always have to ask me what I ate? I had food, it was nice and hot," I sighed, "but not as good as your cooking."

She smiled.

"I had some phone calls when you were out," she told me. I wasn't expecting any, so I didn't really care. "Your father called..."

What? He hasn't called us in such a long time. He even missed my birthday! "What did he have to say for himself?"

"He's having a good time, apparently. Doesn't think he'll be back for a while. I told him how cold it is over here and he says he might stay put until the Summer"

"Ohhhhh.." I said, unconvincingly. Who knows what floozie is keeping him entertained and how much he's spending on her, while we sit here impoverished.

"He asked about you, if you're working...."

"Ohhhhhh..." alarm bells started to sound. Father's one of those who doesn't believe in unemployment. There are plenty of jobs around. You're just too lazy to work, and all that.

"Your sister called too. She wanted to know if you're going to the party?"

"The party? Are you joking? The whole new year's eve is bad enough with all the lunatics out in the streets. I'm not going that far just for a party."

"I told her something to that effect, but in a more gentle tone," mother smiled.

Sitting with mother in the warm lounge room was something I'd grown more and more accustomed to of late. She'd be knitting and I'd be watching her knit or having a bit of a nap using her arm or torso as a pillow. There's nothing quite like it in the world. Except for it being a hot lover rather than mother, I suppose.

"What are you knitting?" I asked.

"A jumper for the baby."

"I see..."

As I lay there, relaxing with the warmth of the heater and her body, listening to the gusty wind picking up outside, I thought at least I have a roof over my head, at least I have decent meals every day and a bed to sleep on. There are those much worse off then me...

Perhaps... perhaps things just might get better...