Reservations – A Novel
By Drew Filchak
Chapter Eight: "Attitudes"
"Did that really happen, Joel? I mean, did he actually come to us?"
"You may be the emotional one between the two of us, but ... yes, that really happened. He did come in and actually speak to us. He even let me pull him into a hug. I mean, Blair ... he needed to touch your tears and stop you from crying for him and, god, his body trembled at my touch, but he let us hug him. Maybe we aren't so crazy to think that we're doing something right here."
"All I know," I said as we moved together into the center of our bed, "is that after all of the shit that's happened between us with the boys, I need you more now than I've ever needed you before. And ... I need you a number of times in a row ... without question or explanation."
"I'm your man, lover. You can have me as many times as you need me. But you need sleep. It's been a hell of a day. Still, I ... I think I understand."
The sudden quiet, expectant and mocked by the previous moment's intensity, continued to fill the room. Our stilled breath helped to suspend the moment as we teetered on the edge of release. Joel's rich, brown eyes, locked and utterly focused on mine, begged for consummation as they flared brightly then darkened with lust and paused desire. His full lips pulled back trembling with self-imposed control.
"Do it." My guttural command broke the silence, hissed through a clenched shudder of prolonged sexual desire. His slender hips trembled between my widespread legs. "Now!"
His lips stretched upward in a satisfied, commanding smile then dropped once again as his mouth opened, then turned to bite the firm muscle of my calf. His slender butt clenched once, and as he sank his teeth into my leg, drove his hips downward -- masterfully spearing the hardened knot at the very center of my aching need.
A growl escaped from deep within him, combining with my unintelligible moan. His hips retracted then plunged the rigid shaft forward again, repeatedly slamming past my inflamed nut and causing my eyes to roll back, giving way to senseless and unseeing, unknowing pleasure.
My fists, held firmly above my head, clenched tightly as I fought against the restraint of his unyielding grasp. In a lust-driven response, my own hips arched upward in desire and surrender, further, reaching toward the sun as Icharus did with his waxen wings, sensing but not knowing that his own immolation lay in the receipt of what he desperately needed to be fulfilled. My testicles contracted and launched their essence explosively onto my stomach, chest and face where it combined with the pooled sweat. His lips muffled my guttural scream as they smothered my mouth; his tongue, a second spear-like invader seeking purchase into my very soul. I had nothing left to hide, nothing left to surrender. I finally utterly submitted.
Strangled cries filled the room as he slammed one final time against my hot, reddened buttocks, reaching deeper than ever before. In shared, simultaneous release he emptied a second, blazing offering into my depths then collapsed against my panting, semen covered chest.
Strong, muscled arms enveloped me as our tongues continued their lovemaking. Finally pulling from my warm and wet depths, he stared into my soul. My eyes clenched shut once then opened, again projecting the insatiable lust and need which gnawed at me.
"Again. Do it again, Joel. Please …," I begged. "I need it … one more time."
Joel stared at me, his eyes searching. "You'll have to give me some recharge time, love. What's this about?"
"Can I tell you later?" Now wasn't the time to talk about the need that consumed me or the chasm he’d opened where my overriding desire to submit lay hidden all these years -- I couldn't talk about it right now. I simply needed it met and Joel had the cock to satisfy me. I rolled around and grasped his hips and buttocks, feeling the strength contained in his wiry form. I needed to touch his body, his strength -- now more than ever before. I buried my face between his legs and lost myself in his musky, sexual scent. I needed to block everything out, remove myself from the intensity that the past few days had thrown at us. And in doing so, I hoped to remove the doubts that lingered even after repeated confirmation and assurance from not only Joel, but also myself that I was doing the right thing. I was doing what I needed to do, even though I felt like I was outside of myself, outside of what was normal and natural for me.
I growled into the cavern created by his spread legs and attacked it with raw lust, burying my face. I savored his most private scent and hungrily blasted past his minimally resisting barrier.
"Now you're talking, stud. It's your turn. I've put out twice, now it's time for payback. I need it as badly as you do." His voice strained lustfully as I felt his organ expand to its full, thick form in my grasp.
I buried myself into his dark crevice, hoping that I could quench the burning need for normalcy with the passion his capitulation offered me. Were we truly balanced in our ultimate submission to each other?
Later, he pulled me into his arms even though I wanted nothing more than to remain seated, forever buried between his legs … and at the same time, I wanted to throw my shoes on and run until I was exhausted. Forget about the fact that it was midnight and that I'd had an hour and a half of sleep in the past forty some hours, I needed to move.
"Blair." His voice lurched into my thoughts, invading me with its jarring tone. In reality, he spoke softly.
I refused to look at him. I didn't want talk. Not now. I needed to keep going and I allowed my hand to speak for me. It touched his lips while I studied the valley of hair between his reddened, puffy nipples. His delight, realized over the past month, of just how sensitive and erotic his nipples were, charged me earlier to work them hard with my teeth as I pounded into him. I gave him what he obviously wanted, not that I'd had much choice -- his hands had pressed me forcefully against his chest demanding more.
"Blair." I couldn't ignore him this time.
"You're exhausted and wired. I see it in your eyes. You're actually trembling with the need for sleep. We both needed a good fucking, but you gotta let me in. What's upsetting you so much?"
How was I supposed to explain it to him? How could I even share the thoughts that were blasting through my mind? I wanted the boys to go away, to not be our responsibility while at the same time, I wanted to take them into my arms and hold them close to me -- protect them. With the first part of that thought came shame.
"I'm going to Chicago on Thursday when you're skiing with the boys."
"You don't need to do that, Blair. You know that."
"Are you telling me not too?"
His eyes narrowed in surprise. "You know I'm not. So don't try and put that out there. Now, what gives? The truth, Blair."
"What gives, Joel? I'll tell you what gives." The strain in my voice gave way to a sudden, flaring anger. "I'm tired beyond belief and I don't see any end to the ongoing need these boys have. The whole romantic notion that we can make a difference and settle into a life of happy, queer parenthood is a bunch of crap."
I pushed away from his chest and swung my legs off the bed. "I was all up for the whirlwind romance that seemed to come with just being around you, but Christ, Joel … suddenly we have a whole fucking family. And tonight before Mau came in, when I was blubbering into your crotch, I just wanted to open your zipper and suck you off, even though I was crying like a baby. It's stupid, I know, but I feel like now we can't even kiss in front of them because we have to set a good example. And … after everything today, my heart broke into a million fucking pieces when Mau spoke to us. I don't know how much more I can take of this constant fucking emotional roller coaster."
"So … I don't understand. Are you saying that I haven't been giving you enough attention?"
My snort, full of disdain and sarcasm, caused him to flinch. "Yeah, Joel. That's it."
I pushed off the bed and slipped into my discarded briefs, then headed for the door.
"Blair, don't leave. Please. Come back to bed."
I ran my fingers through my hair and left the bedroom. I stopped outside of Megan's room and thought about crashing in there, but couldn't bring myself to breach the sanctuary it offered. Instead, I went to the study and grabbed the blanket I used to cover Cody with this morning.
"Well, Blair," I muttered to myself angrily. "You fucked that up just fine all by yourself."
The sound of my shoes striking the pavement in regular rhythm calmed me. My thoughts quieted, unwillingly. Constant reminders though were needed to quell my spinning deliberations into complacent stillness. The six hours of sleep helped to calm me also.
'Can I go with you?' I couldn't stop hearing Ben's question nor stop myself from seeing the look of hurt in his eyes when I told him that I just needed a long, quiet run by myself. If I hadn't stopped to leave a note for Joel explaining that I was out running, I would have been able to slip from the apartment before Ben had made his morning appearance. But after the way I'd selfishly ignored Joel's plea to come back to bed, I needed to minimize any further damage on that front. In the end, I'd hurt Ben also.
’Christ!' I just couldn't win. Not at the moment, anyway. I promised Ben a run later in the afternoon and then ducked out the door, shame nearly stopping me as I reached for the elevator call button. I wasn't sure what the answer was to all of the angst I felt, but I knew I'd only be postponing its resolution if Ben had joined me. I needed to think or maybe just time to feel stuff in order to understand why I'd become so upset last night.
I crossed Broadway and headed down 19th towards the park. My internal fight for peaceful solitude was over. I had lost. I needed to find my mental bearings and the memory of Hank telling me to share my thoughts with Joel in the hope of working through the ambiguous feelings I had, seemed like good advice. But it sure as hell wasn't going to do shit about helping me work around the tremendous sense of pending loss of my own identity.
I didn't feel like myself anymore.
The last time I'd had feelings that were even close to what I now felt, was after I'd spent three months in a relationship with a jerk named Don. That had been fifteen years ago. He'd been a manipulator from the start. He constantly manipulated people intentionally, though I hadn’t realized it at the time. But I'd ventured down some pretty dark paths during those three months, paths filled with questions about my previously, very clear direction in life. Luckily, I'd come to my senses and ended it before the forming patterns of self-doubt took hold. I'd been very close to just giving myself over to whatever Don wanted … and that just wasn't me. I'd learned my lesson with Baxter. But Don had expected it.
'You know Joel doesn't want that.'
The thought stopped me in mid-stride.
'He's never given me the slightest hint that he wants me to be anything but myself.'
I walked a few paces as the truth contained in my realization sank in. And following the realization was the question of where my new martyr attitude had come from. I never feel like a victim. It wasn't in my nature.
'But you've sure been acting like one! Fuck! What an ass.' And now I'd hurt both Joel and Ben with my victim mentality. I hit my forehead repeatedly with the palm of my hand trying to knock some sense back into my thoughts. I had to make it up to both of them and at the same time, I had to figure out why I kept feeling as if I wasn't in control of my actions or my feelings -- or myself.
I looked around to see how far from the apartment I was and realized that I could easily go back and see if Ben still wanted to join me. I turned to begin my ten-block jog back to the building then stopped. Ben stood on the far corner behind me, his chest heaving with the obvious exertion he'd expended in trying to catch up to me. My face broke into a wide smile as I moved to the curb.
"You following me, punk? You don't have a knife on you this time, do you?"
His wary, worried look at being caught following me slowly dropped as a grin raised his lips. "No way, gay boy. Don't need no blade. I got the Fu Man to show me a few moves."
I laughed and headed towards his corner. "You're huffing and puffing pretty badly for someone that’s supposedly been 'running all over the city'. What? Are you living the easy life now?"
"Yeah. I got me some sweet sugar daddies now, man." His eyebrows rose once in play.
I stopped as I reached his corner. "I was just heading back to the apartment to get you, Ben. I'm sorry I just left you there. I was wrapped up in feeling sorry for myself and I took it out on you."
He shrugged. "That's cool. I figured it was something."
I shook my head. "Well, it's not cool. I shouldn't have given you the attitude."
He shrugged again then grinned. "You're worried about giving me attitude? Why? I figured it was just payback for all the 'tude I've given you."
"That's not the way it should work, bud. I'll admit that bad moods do happen. It's a pretty normal part of being human, but taking them out on someone else or trying to even a score in payback is petty. I'm sorry for making you think that's what I was doing. You've been nothing but a great kid since I met you."
Ben snorted. "Yeah, right. I pulled a knife on you, Blair." His blue eyes scanned the pavement then looked back at me, the morning light enhancing the azure color of his eyes, making them iridescent. All he's going to need to do in the future to win somebody's heart is to look their way and smile.
"Okay," I grinned. "Since the point after that, you've been a great kid. The way you take care of things for your boys, always looking after them, it makes my heart fill with pride."
The look coming back at me narrowed as he tried to hold in his pleasure at my words. "Pride, huh?"
I nodded. "I am proud of you, Ben. After everything you've been through, you've somehow held your shit together and haven't let yourself get bitter. It makes me want to hug you tightly and tell you over and over what a great kid you are."
The grin he was trying to hold back surfaced. "That'd be all right."
I smiled broadly and reached to pull him to me, but he jumped back and quickly looked around.
"Not here, man. Damn. Someone will see us and think I'm one of them wiggly boys."
I laughed loudly. "Sorry, pup. I forgot where I was."
"No shit. That just ain't cool in public." He said with a grin and a roll of his eyes. I clapped him on the shoulder and gave his neck a light squeeze then pulled him into the street.
"You still want to run with me?"
"Yeah, duh. I'm not out here for my health you know." Another grin, another roll of his eyes.
Laughing, I took off. "Well, try and keep up, pup."
After completing a circuit around the golf course, zoo and the east side of the park, we slowed to a walk as we approached 17th and Adams. We'd both worked up a sweat and the slight chill in the air helped to cool us down as we walked toward my house.
"What do you think about living over here, Ben? I noticed when we were here on Monday that you got pretty quiet."
I thought that all I was going to receive in response was his trademark shrug, but eventually he replied. "It'll be okay, I guess. Your house is down and all."
"Huh. I sense a 'but' in your voice. Am I right? But, what?" I looked over at him as we walked and saw him turn his gaze from the sidewalk to the street once quickly. He shrugged.
"Bill is cool and all. We all like him, but … I don't know. You and the Fu Man won't be there and we won't be able to run together and … you know."
I laid my arm across his shoulder as we walked. "I know, bud. I've been thinking about the same thing. But the apartment just can't fit us all and we travel so much."
"I know." He shrugged under my arm. "I wish I could go with you."
I pulled him to me briefly as we walked. "Me, too. But, will you give living with Bill an honest try, Ben? For me?"
He nodded. "Yeah."
The comfortable feeling between us warmed me inside and I was thankful. It felt like my earlier transgression has dissipated to memory and my thoughts switched to Mau. "Did you guys talk any with Mau last night?"
"Not much. Cody and Chris tried, but they could tell that Mau wasn't in the mood."
"You know, he came into the study last night when Joel and I were on the couch. I was pretty much a mess with all that had happened and he, uh, actually talked with us."
Ben stopped walking and turned to look at me. His face scanned mine as his eyes opened wide in surprise. "You shittin' me?"
"Nope. And by the way, nice language there, pup. You really should try and clean it up a little." I smirked. He rolled his eyes up once.
"What'd he say?"
I smiled wryly. "He told the Fu Man to not let me cry for him. Like I said, I was kind of a mess and then he touched Joel's arm and then my face and told me not to cry. He even let Joel put his arm around his waist and hug him. Joel talked to him a little bit about if the test results came back positive again on Friday that he didn't want Mau to worry about anything. And then I told him that with all the different treatments now and the meds they've developed that there was no reason why he couldn't do whatever he wanted with his life."
"That's rad, Blair!" His face brightened excitedly. "I can't believe he talked to you. So fuc … so cool! Chris said some of the same things to him and he also told him that you and the Fu Man would help him out."
I nodded. "I'll have to thank Chris for that. We kind of dropped the ball when we spoke to all of you with telling him not to worry. But he smiled at us and said 'okay' and 'thanks'. He even let me hold his hand as we talked with him. And he let me hug him. He's such a great kid. All of you are."
He shook his head and grinned. "You gotta stop saying that or else I'm gonna start believing it."
I laughed. "Well we can't have that now, can we?" He grinned. "So … how are you doing with the whole Mauricio thing? It kind of got lost in all of yesterday's drama."
His grin faded. "I don't know. Ranus told Cleats about some of the stuff that Mauricio did with the Brood for Ice and even though it sucks, he kind of did it to himself. Ranus said that he knew that Mauricio didn't do any of the drugs so it was either Ice or one of the fucks that work for him that shot him up. Cleats said the cops didn't take him seriously which sucks major dick."
I nodded as I absorbed his words. "I'll have Joel talk with Cleats and then maybe he'll talk with the Police Chief. People in this city take Joel pretty seriously."
Ben grinned. "He's so fuckin' cool, Blair. He's got everyone kissin' his butt and the thing is, he's so cool about it."
"Yeah, he is," I replied as my eyes darkened at the thought of my actions last night. I waved my hand and nodded towards my house. "Let's go see if Mikey will have anything to do with me. Besides, I need to call Joel and do a little butt-kissing myself."
"Who's that?" Cody asked.
Special thanks goes to Rock Hunter for his endless efforts to edit this mess. Thanks, Bud!
Please send any comments to email@example.com