Date: Mon, 13 Oct 2008 10:12:33 -0400
From: montrealormolu@aol.com
Subject: The Glance - chapter 11

Chuck woke in the darkness, his arms curled around John protectively. It
had been quite an evening. John had finally fallen asleep in Chuck's arms,
exhausted after all those strong emotions, and now he slept soundly nestled
up against Chuck's chest, every now and then cuddling up closer yet. Chuck
let his hand wander down John's back, giving both himself and John the
reassurance of closeness and touch. As they lay there in the darkness,
Chuck realized just how much he had come to love this gently, witty,
sensitive man. He felt for him, for the struggle which he had lived through
and which he was still living through.

Chuck knew some of it from his own life, but not all of it. He knew what it
was to discover you were gay, to realize that all the boys were looking at
the girls while he was looking at them, to know the secret thrill -- and
terror -- of the boys' showers after gym class, and then to live with the
pining after someone else and not knowing how to tell him. But his life
hadn't been like John's. Eventually, he had told his parents, eventually he
had come out to some of his friends in high school, and it hadn't been that
bad. He hadn't come out to the whole school, after all, he and John were of
an age, but some people had known. Going away to college had been
liberating. There he could experiment, try "things" out, make sure the
plumbing functioned and that his emotions were really turned towards guys.
He had gone into clinical psych, not a field with a lot of fear about gays,
and he had found himself comfortably ensconced in a field and place where
he could pretty much be himself. He was comfortable with himself, and he
didn't really know how he had managed to get involved with a priest, with
someone who was so torn. But he had, and, as he hugged John closer to him,
he realized that he really loved John and didn't want to let him go. Now
what? How were they going to work this all out? He didn't want to live in
the closet. But it wasn't up to him to force John out of his. He sighed,
and then let himself relax as he focused on the most important truth he had
learned that night -- he loved John and would do just about anything to be
with him. Slowly, he fell back asleep.

* * * *

John awoke to the smell of coffee, deep, dark, rich coffee; a smell that
wafted through the house, teasing the nose and calling you up to
wakefulness. He loved dark coffee; it drew him irresistibly to the
kitchen. Chuck was fussing at the sink, his back to the doorway. John
paused, just looking at him. What a wonderful man! Warm, loving, strong --
John moved up silently behind him and put his arms around him.

"Good morning, wonderful. How are you?"

"Fine, but more to the point, how are you this morning?" Chuck twisted in
John's arms and put his own around John. They held each other tightly,
enjoying the morning hug, the closeness and all that it implied.

"Much better, thank you; I really, really appreciate what you did last
night. I don't know what got into me, and I'm just really glad that you
came over and were there with me."

"Sweetheart, I love you. I was so worried when I came and found you on the
floor. I hate how much pain you've been carrying with you."

Chuck hugged him fiercely. He reached down and kissed John on the lips, a
gentle kiss which deepened and grew more insistent. John opened to him and
drew his tongue into his mouth, kissing back with a fierceness all of his
own. They both began to grow and respond to the kissing, to the obvious
love.

"If we don't stop, your coffee is going to get cold ... and I need coffee,
too." John said, huskily, his voice deep with need for Chuck.

"OK, spoilsport."

Chuck drew away slightly, turned around again and began to prepare a cup of
coffee for John. He pulled down a mug, filled it with rich, dark coffee,
and put it off to the side. John let him go and reached over to the fridge,
got out the cream and poured himself a dollop, stirring the coffee with the
spoon Chuck had already set out for him. He took a sip and let the warmth
spill down his throat and into his stomach, almost feeling the caffeine hit
his system and begin to wake him up fully. Chuck put the cream back into
the fridge and got his own cup. They moved into the family room and watched
the sunrise, sitting comfortably on the couch, nestled up against each
other. It was a surprisingly intimate moment, speaking of the new level of
their relationship, one that they had not yet acknowledged to each other.
John's crisis had opened a new door for them, and they were walking through
it -- together.

"Chuck, I want to talk about us for a moment, and then maybe look at what
needs to happen next. Is that OK?" (John's counseling training was
beginning to show.)

Chuck looked at him, smiling to himself at the `professional' tone of
John's question, "Sure, John. What's on your mind?"

"I'm falling in love with you. I know it's only been a few weeks, but I'm
sure. And that changes a lot of things for me. I need to check things out
with you as I begin thinking about the future."

Chuck reached over and held John's hand, "John, I'm falling in love with
you, too. This last little while has been just great. I'm so happy at
having met you and seeing where our relationship is going. It makes moving
here all worthwhile."

"I've spent my life in the closet. I wasn't denying being gay, I knew that
early on, but I figured that I couldn't be gay and be a priest, so I chose
one over the other. I've spent half my life this way and I'm just not sure
I want to continue like this." John fell silent and Chuck waited. "Things
have changed in the Church, perhaps not as fast as a lot of people would
like and not as fast as I might like, but they've changed. This is a tough
time for the Church and I hate it that I may be adding to that stress, but,
I think it's time to come out of the closet."

"Are you sure? I don't want you ..."

John interrupted, "Chuck, I'm sure. I want to live with you and we can't do
that if we are going to spend the time hiding. I don't want to waste any
more time. Life is just too short."

"But, John, what about your career, your parish, everything else?"

"I don't want to give up the Church either, but I've given nearly thirty
years to her and I need to face up to things for myself, too."

Chuck shook his head, "I'm not sure I understand. You've said a lot here --
first, you said you love me, second, you began talking about living
together, and third, you're talking about maybe leaving the Church. That's
a lot of stuff! Can we slow down a bit?"

"I know," John responded, laughing, "I'm going a mile a minute right
now. OK. I love you and you've told me that you love me, too. Right?"

"Yes."

"If we love each other, then the logical next step is to talk about being
together. Maybe we're going to move in together, maybe we're going to get
married, maybe we'll break up. I don't know what the future will hold, but
I do know that I want to explore us going deeper and becoming more
committed to each other. Do you?"

"Yes," Chuck said firmly, "I do. I don't know where things are going,
either.  But I do know that I want to explore more." He smiled, "I guess
I'm ready to settle down, and settling down with you sounds pretty good to
me, too."

"OK. My mind always jumps ahead, way ahead. That's just the kind of person
I am. If we're going to explore things more deeply, then I need to think
what might happen further down the road. And that means, what happens if we
decide to move in together. I need to be thinking about that and planning
for that possible future. Do you understand?"

"Yes. So where does that leave you, us?"

"I need to begin thinking this through. I don't want the bishop to find out
from someone else. I need to be the one to tell him. And, as pastoral and
accepting as he has been to gay people in this diocese, I just don't know
what he will do with a gay priest, an openly gay priest. That's one issue,
and the next one is that I don't know what my parish will do with an openly
gay priest, especially one who lives with another man. No one has done that
before in this diocese."

"That's a lot to begin thinking about," Chuck put down his coffee cup,
reached over and took John's and put it down on the coffee table, too,
"John, I'm more of a take things one day at a time person. I understand
that you're planning way into the future, but I'm still back here in the
present. I still on `I love you.'" He leaned in and pulled John to him, and
they kissed, slowly, joyfully, and then passionately. "Can we start with a
celebration of that first step?"

They got up, left the coffee cups on the table to get cold by themselves,
and walked back to the bedroom, and celebrated.