Date: Mon, 21 Jul 2003 11:13:02 -0700 (PDT)
From: Flippp <geatravel@yahoo.com>
Subject: True Companions - Part XX - Going Home

This is a fictionalized account of some of my Mormon missionary experiences
in France and Belgium during the early 1970s. Though much of it is based on
true circumstances and experiences, it's still fiction and is how I would
have liked my mission to have been.

Gary

----------------------
Part XX - Going Home

There is much I could write about the next 3 months I spent with Elder
Peters. After the Zaps and Paul left, the two of us broke up laughing. Ever
since our first experience together in the dressing room at the Dumonts
baptism, we were attracted to each other. Then we sat together on the train
from Liege to Brussels on the way to the Mission Conference and Elder
Peters got into my pants and made a huge mess. Then there was later that
same evening when he joined Elder M. and me in the shower at the hostel.
Though we didn't do anything that night, the image of his beautiful body
was always in my mind. I haven't seen Elder Peters since saying goodbye to
him at the Brussels train station where I refused to take a few minutes and
go play with him.

And now here he was, in my apartment, alone with me. We were to be
companions. It was as if the President wanted us to mess around. What could
be more perfect? Elder Peters wasn't Elder M. I didn't love him. I didn't
want to hold him and kiss him and be kind and gentle with him. I didn't
want to write him everyday. But I was at the top of my male sexual drive
and that needed some release. I know, it's a bad excuse but try living with
another guy to whom you're attracted and who you know is attracted to you,
try living with him in a small one room apartment where privacy is
non-existent and you're always seeing each other nude. I'm not really proud
of our behavior together during those three months but I'm not ashamed of
it either.  But that time is the subject of another story.

Elder Peters was the first to talk. "Well, it seems we're finally alone
with no possibility of being interrupted. When I found out I was coming to
Seraing to be with you, I was really nervous. The last time you and I
talked, you were pretty adamant about not doing any fooling around. I don't
want to make any assumptions here. What are your feelings now?"

Well, one thing could always be said about Elder Peters, he was always
honest with me. He never tried to hide his attraction or desire for a
sexual encounter. I wasn't sure how to respond to him. After my tryst with
Paul that afternoon, I didn't know what to think. It seems I'd come on my
mission to have sex rather than to preach the gospel. And yet, I wanted to
serve an honorable mission. I still believed strongly in the Church. I
didn't want to just become a sexual slut and let everything else of
importance slide.

"Elder, first of all, I'm really glad to see you. I never wanted to leave
the impression that I didn't like you because I really do. Well, at least I
really like your body. And apparently, if I read the tea leaves right, you
like mine." Elder Peters nodded enthusiastically! "We've never spent a lot
of time talking!" We both laughed at that truth. "So, I guess we need to
establish sound ground rules."

Elder Peters then took off his suit coat, opened up his small suit case and
took out some P Day clothes while I continued to talk. "First, I really
want to do missionary work. We have a bunch of good people we're teaching
and some real possibilities for baptisms in the next few weeks. Elder
Millett would have wanted that to continue with the same enthusiasm he and
I put into it."

My new companion listened while he removed his shoes and tie, then
unbuttoned his shirt and undid his pants and took both off. He was now
standing there in his garments. He wore the mesh kind and I could see much
of his body which was just a bit of a distraction. He responded to my first
ground rule. "Elder, I've never shied away from missionary work. I really
enjoy teaching the people and wouldn't want to stop pounding the
pavement. You should know, even though I've never really said anything
about it to you that I have a testimony as well and a real desire to serve
my mission honorably. So I think we agree in this area." He started to put
on his T-shirt and pull on some jeans.

"Good. I'm really glad we agree. I want us to pray and study and fight hard
to have the spirit with us. Our relationship will be closer and we'll be
better missionaries and companions if we keep the other mission rules as
well - getting up on time, going to bed on time, etc.. Agreed?"

"Agreed. No problem." He started putting on white socks and some tennis
shoes.

"So, I guess that brings us back to the other question - what to do about
this attraction we have for each other's bod."

"Yup!"

We kind of stared at each other for a minute or so. He was such a
good-looking man. I loved his heavy beard shadow and his blue eyes and the
way his hair framed his face. The tufts of hair showing above his shirt
were enticing to say the least.

"Why don't we sort of just see what happens. I mean, maybe we won't like
each other that much after we spend some time together and it won't be a
problem. How does that sound?"

"Reasonable. We're certainly not going to want to jack off together if are
at each other's throat!"

"Great! Now that that's decided, let's go find someplace and have our first
meal together and talk. I don't even know where you're from or anything
about you!"

We left the apartment and began three months of a very successful and very
physical companionship before I was shipped off to Lille in northern France
as a Zone Leader.

I finished my mission honorably like I wanted. My last city was Brussels
where I was the Brussels Zone Leader and worked closely with the Assistants
and the President. Elder Peters, by the way, stayed in Seraing a few more
months as District Leader then took off for the Alsace.

In August, 1971, it was time for me to return home. I was really sad to
leave. I had grown to love the people and the language. I was humbled to be
able to bring 13 people into the Church. I frequently thought back to my
months with Elder Millett in Seraing. It seemed like a long time ago. I
continued to wear his CTR ring and often felt it as I walked or slept. We
wrote many times to each other during the first six months he was gone,
continuing our dream of getting together when I returned. Then gradually,
his letters came more slowly until they totally stopped about 3 months
before I was to return. I had no idea why. His lack of attention to our
relationship made a part of me very sad and I didn't know what I should do
once I returned to Salt Lake City.

Eventually, the day came to say goodbye. The Assistants drove me and three
other elders out to the airport. I had received a phone call from Elder
Peters wishing me well and he hoped we'd keep in touch. The three elders
with me were going to Paris first for a few days of visiting then returning
to the States. I just wanted to go home. I wasn't looking forward to being
with my parents but I didn't want to drag out my mission. It was time to
get on with my life and figure out what to do as a gay mormon. As I flew
over the Belgian coastline, heading west for New York, a bit of sadness
crept into my thoughts. They weren't the best two years of my life, but
they were good years.

A month after returning to Salt Lake, I made the decision to follow through
with my promise to Elder Millett. I was going to get together with him even
if he was no longer my "true companion". It was a loose end that needed
closure. I first tried by phone to locate the Milletts in Las Cruces but I
didn't have his mother's name and his first name, David, wasn't there
either. I had the address but it wasn't the same as any address in the
phone book. If it were today, I'd do a Google search and be done with
it. But in 1971, phone calls were expensive and impractical. I decided to
drive to Las Cruces. I had two weeks before classes began at the University
of Utah. Besides, I needed to get away from my parents and family.

Las Cruces is the home of New Mexico State University. It's located in
southern New Mexico near the Texas border. It took me two days to drive
that far including some down time in Southern Utah. Once I arrived, I
checked into a motel and began my search. I thought the best thing to do
was to just call all the Milletts in the phone book and see if they know
David's family. It was Sunday afternoon so I was lucky to get most people
at home. After six or seven calls, I got my answer.

"Hello?" the female voice was older and somewhat brittle.

"Hello. My name is Gary Roark and I'm looking for a former LDS missionary
companion of mine David Millett. He would be about 22 years old and living
with his mother. Is there any chance you would know of their whereabouts?"

The fragile voice was quiet for a few seconds. Then she said, "How did you
say you knew David?"

I spoke a little louder. "David and I were missionary companions for the
LDS Church in Belgium. I promised him I'd look him up when I returned to
the U.S.. I've driven down from Salt Lake City looking for him."

"Oh, well then I guess you're alright. David and his mother left Las Cruces
last March and moved to Santa Fe where David got a job working for the
State, I think."

"Would you have an address or a phone number for them?"

"Yes, I have a phone number. Now let me see, where did I..." She left the
phone for a few minutes and came back. "I'm David's grandmother."

"How are they doing after the accident with his Father and brothers?"

"Oh, that was so sad." Her voice weakened. "That was my son, you know. He
was a wonderful man. And those wonderful boys..." She started to cry with
the mention of her family.

"I'm so sorry. I was David's companion when he received news of the
accident. We shed a lot of tears over your loss."

David's Grandmother composed herself and said, "Thank you for the help you
gave David. It was such a difficult time. Oh, here's the phone
number. It's..." She read the number and I repeated it. We talked some
more. She invited me over for Sunday dinner but I wanted to get to Santa Fe
which was a 300 mile drive to the north and no Interstate freeway at that
time. I thanked her for her help and hung up.

I didn't even stay the night in the motel. I showered quickly then gathered
my few things and got in my car and headed north up highway 85 through more
small New Mexico towns than I could count. I drove straight through
stopping only once for gas and some food. I reached Santa Fe about 1:00am
and found a motel and checked in. I was excited. I wanted to see Elder
M. again. Even if he wasn't willing to be companions again, at least maybe
I could hold him and see the sparkle in those beautiful blue eyes.  The
next day was Monday and I thought he might be leaving early for work so I
called the number his grandmother gave me at 7:30am.

"Hello?" a woman's voice answered the phone.

"Uh, hello. Is David home?"

"May I say who's calling?"

"My name is Gary."

"Just a moment." She left the phone on the table or something similar and
called off in the distance, "David, someone named Gary is on the phone for
you."

I waited a couple of minutes then I heard his familiar voice. "Hello?"

I had planned this moment. I sang, "I feel pretty, I feel pretty. I feel
pretty and witty and gay. It's a pity..."

Before I could finish, David said with what would qualify as genuine
surprise, "Elder Roark?"

"Hi bud. And my name is Gary."

"How long have you been home? Where are you? How did you find me here in
Santa Fe? How was the mission?" All his questions ran together as he
excitedly tried to get them all out at once.

"Hold on, hold on. One at a time. I've been home for about a month. I'm
staying here at a Motel 6 somewhere in Santa Fe. I drove to Las Cruces and
your grandmother told me you had moved here. My mission was great. Now, how
come I didn't get any more letters from my Companion True after last March
or so, eh?"

"Oh man, I 'm so sorry. We were moving and I was starting a new job and
things really got busy. I figured you'd be coming home and, well, you know
how it goes."

"No problem, really. So, when can we see each other?"

"I gotta work today until 5:00pm. How about you coming over here to our
house and have dinner tonight. We eat about 6:00pm."

I was a little disappointed. I was hoping to have him come to my hotel room
and we'd take up where we left off. "Great. Let me write down your address
and I'll be there tonight." He gave me his address and instructions on how
to get there.

"I need to get to work now, buddy. But I'll see you tonight. Okay?"

"Sounds great. Can't wait to see you!"

"Me neither. See you then!" Then he hung up. I don't know what I was
expecting. I guess it was unrealistic to expect the same emotional
connection we had in Seraing. But still, I felt just a little like I was
brushed off.

I spent the rest of the day looking around Santa Fe and taking a nap. I
showered and dressed and then drove over to David's house and got there
right at 6:00pm. I knocked on the door. It opened and there he was, red
hair, blue eyes, the same Elder M. that left me in Belgium. He looked
exactly the same. He quickly had me come inside and then we looked at each
other then we grabbed onto each other and hugged. It felt so good. I wanted
to take him home with me.

"Oh, Elder, man, it's so good to see you, " David said while still hugging
me.

"You too, man. And, again, call me Gary!" We laughed and broke the
hug. Then we did a bunch of guy things like hitting each other on the
shoulder and patting the back. We talked about a lot of superficial things
while he took me to the back and out the back door to the patio. There, he
introduced me to his mother, Mrs. Millett. She graciously gave me a huge
hug and thanked me for being there when David needed me after he heard
about the accident. I told her how sorry I was for her loss.

Then, David turned me around and said, "And this is Valerie, my fiancé."

I turned and a beautiful but petite young woman stood before me. She had
black hair and brown eyes. I greeted her with a handshake.

Inside, however, part of my life ended with a crash. I had so planned on
David and I living together. The thought that he would want to be married
never entered my mind. What happened to True Companions? What happened to
the love we shared? I was near tears but I remained composed on the
outside.

"Dave has told me all about you," Valerie said. "He says you were his best
companion."

"Oh, well, we had a good time together," I said.

"I couldn't have made it without Elder Roark," David said. He told everyone
the story of how we met and the Dumonts and Paul. I wondered what he would
have thought about Paul's real story. He talked about our presentation at
the Mission Conferences in two different missions but conveniently left out
the pre-conference activity in Antwerp. We swapped stories over dinner
about our apartment and the baths though we didn't say we used the family
bathing area. It was a regular love fest.

After desert, I stood up and said, "Well, I need to get going. I'm pretty
tired after the long drive and I plan on driving back early
tomorrow. Thanks for the great dinner, Mrs. Millett. It was a real pleasure
to meet you." I walked towards the side of the house as it was the quickest
way to my car. "David, it was great seeing you again. And congratulations
on your engagement. Valerie, it was great to see Dave's got someone who can
take care of him a lot better than I did! Watch out for his missionary
stew!"

I walked around the side of the house. David ran after me. "Hey, you don't
need to go so soon, do you?"

"Yeah. I don't have any more missionary stories to tell and you've got
someone else there to pay attention to. Don't worry about it. Listen, keep
in touch, okay? Let me know when you're getting married and I'll try to
come down."

"You better come to it. I want you to be my Best Man. We're planning on
getting married in the Mesa Temple in December."

"Great! I'll be there for sure." I extended my right hand and we shook
hands. "Take care, my friend."

"I will. You, too!"

"'Kay." I got into my car and drove away. I looked in the rear view
window. David just stood there until I disappeared. I drove for a couple of
hours. Tears were burning my eyes and cheeks. I was so confused. What was
real? Was there to be no happiness for me? What happened to the love we
had? I wanted to drive off a cliff.

There was a thunderstorm around the area and it started to pour rain. I
found my way back to the Motel 6 and went into my room and just laid on the
bed crying and feeling sorry for myself.

A knock at the door work me up about 2:00am. I looked at the clock. Who
could that be at this hour? I was naked (I stopped wearing garments after
my mission.). I put on a pair of shorts and went to the door. There was
David, soaked through to the skin with the heavy rain.

"What the heck? What are you doing here?" I let him in and got him a couple
of towels to dry off with.

"Hey, bud, I needed to talk to you. I didn't like the way we parted company
earlier and I thought about it while taking a walk then I decided to just
walk over here and see you. I was hoping this was your room since the car
in front had Utah plates."

"I'm glad you came. I wasn't very satisfied with our goodbyes earlier
either. Here, get out of those wet things and dry off."

Dave removed his shirt and pants. He was still wearing his garments. They
were really wet too so he took them off and dried himself with a towel then
wrapped it around his waist. He didn't make any effort to hide his body
from me. It was good to see his skin again. It stirred my soul and my body.

We went over to the bed and stretched out. "It seems pretty normal to have
you next to me in bed, except the bed is too big," I said trying to break
the ice.

"Yeah, it does. It feels good. Look, we need to talk. I've been trying to
figure out what to say to you for months."

"You don't have to say anything..."

Dave interrupted me. "Yes I do. You deserve an explanation. You've been the
True Companion and I haven't and I need to explain why."

He sat up Indian style on the bed while I was stretched out in front of
him. "I came home from Belgium and had to deal with this horrible mess
caused by the accident. My mom was a mental case. She couldn't do
anything. I had to be the man of the house and try to make things work. All
the time I was doing that, I thought about no one but you. I wanted you so
bad. I wanted to lay next to you and have you hold me. I wanted to play
with you. I wanted to sit in the tub with you. I wrote you nearly every day
for months."

"I've still got all the letters."

"Then I started dating Valerie. She's a really sweet girl and my Mom really
liked her. She was leaving Las Cruces at the end of the school year after
graduating from NMSU and coming to Santa Fe to teach school. I didn't want
to lose her as well. So, I asked her to marry me. Then I asked my Mom if
she would like to move to Santa Fe so we could be near Valerie while
getting ready for marriage. Mom was all for it. Valerie became the daughter
Mom never had."

"But do you love her?" I asked.

"Do I love her? Do I love her, he asks. Shit, Gary, I don't know if I love
her as much as you and I loved each other in Seraing but my Mom needs her
and I need her."

"What about me? What were you going to do with me?"

Dave just stared at me. He reached down and grabbed my hand and brought it
to his lips. "I was hoping you'd understand. I was hoping that somehow we
could be friends."

"You were hoping that you could have a wife and a lover, that's what you
were hoping!" I wasn't buying the routine. He needed to make a decision. I
didn't want to be his "friend" and not be able to have all of him. "Look,
Dave, I understand your situation. But I'm not willing to share you with
Valerie. Since I've been home, I've resolved so many things. You need to
know that I'm gay. I never told you that before. Of course, I don't know
what you thought I was. But the fact of the matter is I'm gay and I don't
plan on compromising and living with a woman. I want a man. I wanted you. I
wanted the Elder M. that I loved desperately in Seraing. I wanted the man
who made my body sing and my soul soar. I don't want just a part of
him. I've worn your CTR ring ever since you gave it to me the night before
you left. It reminded me of all that we had. I guess now, I should give it
back to you." I took off the ring and handed it to him.

David took it reluctantly. The look on his face was one of sheer pain. He
was being torn between two impossible things. On the one had, he wanted to
be married and to help his family and be all they wanted him to be. On the
other, he wanted all we talked about and dreamed about over a year ago. He
couldn't have both. The decision was his.

He began to cry. "Gary, I need to be here with my family. I feel I need to
help them. They would be devastated if I left. I'm not gay like you. I
don't like men. I love you but that's different. Please, don't make me
choose."

I began to cry as well. I pulled Dave down to the bed by the back of his
neck and brought him to my arms. The two of us wept while holding one to
each other. I kissed his cheeks and forehead like I used to in Seraing. He
laid his head on my chest. I could feel his cock rising under the towel. I
removed my shorts and his towel so we could, once again, be naked and be
one. Dave didn't resist. He relished the opportunity to cuddle again, to be
wrapped in the arms of a man and kissed by the lips of a lover. We both
pulled on each other's cock and rubbed our balls in our hands. Our
lovemaking was furtive but sad. It didn't have the joy we knew in Seraing.
It was more an act of desparation than love. We both knew it would be our
last time together. We came in each other's hands. We clung to each other
for another hour. Then it was time.

"Gary, I'm sorry. I hope somehow we can remember what we had together.
You'll always be the most important man in my life. I shall never, ever
forget you. I just hope someday you'll be able to forgive me."

"I already do," I said. He got up and put his wet things back on. I stood
up, still naked, and walked him to the door. For one last time, we looked
at each other and gently kissed then Dave walked out into the wet darkness
of a New Mexico storm. I stood there naked in the doorway and watched him
disappear into the night. Then I closed the door.