Date: Sun, 23 May 2010 22:54:17 -0400
From: jayse@mindless.com
Subject: Up Close and Personal - Chapter 11

Chapter 11: Cure for the Itch

The door swings shut softly behind him, sending off a loud echo across the
apartment. His shoes make a loud click clack on the polished hardwood
floor, no longer cushioned by the thick Turkish rug that used to lay
there. His furniture is gone. He's given it all to Drew. Well most of it,
anyway.

The Italian leather sofa that he'd detested in the store but Drew had sworn
would add a touch of elegance and sophistication to the apartment. The
incredibly ugly modern abstract painting that Shane could've sworn was hung
upside down but Drew always professed wasn't, was also gone. He'd given it
up gladly. It'd cost an arm and a leg; at the auction house, Drew had sworn
it was worth every exorbitant penny. Hell, he'd even let Drew keep the
dining table. He sure as hell had no plans to host dinner parties in the
near future.

Shane slapped his hand on the light switch, turning it on with more force
than necessary. The darkness was unnerving. He pulled open the blinds to
let in some sunlight, but it only served to illuminate the rumpled sheets
on the empty bed.

As he unbuttoned his dress shirt, Shane had the sudden realization that
this was what it would be like from here on. He would always come home to
an empty house.

It was barely midday and he was already done filming for the day. He toed
off his shoes and shrugged off his shirt and pants. He let them fall to the
floor, where they would remain until he decided to pick them. No Drew to
pick up after him.

Sunlight bounced off a framed photo of them, on the nightstand, smiling in
happier times. He wasn't ready to put that way. Not yet.

He pulled on a fitted white polo shirt and a pair of comfortable jeans
before proceeding to the kitchen where he was greeted by the gaping space
where the coffee maker had formerly stood. He'd never even figured out how
to work the damn thing. Drew had set a timer and he'd woken to a fresh cup
of coffee every morning.

He could do this.

Although he had been known, in the past, to burn boiling water, Shane
figured he could fix lunch for himself. A sandwich couldn't be so hard to
make.

In the refrigerator, he finds stale takeout, two sticks of butter, coffee
creamer, ketchup, beer and a half empty gallon of milk.

It seemed his new life without Drew would not simply be a quiet existence,
but a hungry one as well.

He hummed softly, "A room is still a room, even when there's nothing there
but gloom..."

Fuck. He couldn't do this.

The eerie silence.

The stark emptiness of house that was no longer his.

He reached for his cell phone and responded to a long forgotten text,
"Still up for lunch at The Park?"


**********************


Jenny lifted her right hand over her head. Her left hand was resting on her
knee and she was stretched out as far as she possibly could.

The soft voice emanating from the television spoke encouragingly, "Now
exhale deeply and raise your left hand. Elongate your torso and feel the
tension draining out."

Jenny snorted in disbelief. She actually felt even tenser, now, than she
did before attempting this yoga session. She lifted herself into the
downward facing dog position and stared at her ankles. Gosh, she wondered,
were her ankles always that fat?

She exhaled slowly and wondered what to eat for breakfast. She'd
optimistically braved the scale this morning and leaped off in
shock. Donuts were out of the question.

Today would be the first day of a new and improved Jenny. She was going to
make definitive changes in her life. She pondered her breakfast options and
finally settled on a nutritious meal comprised of oatmeal and fresh fruit.

Only one problem, however, she had no fresh fruit and was pretty sure that
the last time she purchased oatmeal was several years ago.

Sighing, she changed positions and considered the next of many changes she
would be making today; cleaning out her desk. She'd skipped filming this
morning since she planned to work late. Perhaps, she could get the new
intern to file or shred the documents while she got rid of everything in
her candy drawer. Well, maybe not everything - stashing a pack or two of
Reese's Pieces for a rainy day wouldn't be such a bad idea.

She sat down on the mat with her legs stretched out and stared at the woman
demonstrating on the screen. Her body was perfectly contorted in the pose
she called, "firefly," but Jenny decided that a more apt title would be,
"there's no way in hell my body's ever gonna do that."

She reached for the remote and stopped the DVD player. Maybe she was taking
this change thing too fast. One step at a time. She was doing this for
herself, after all, so there was no rush.

So what if it was her former best friend who'd actually started all
this. She'd tried all weekend not to think of his hurtful words but she
couldn't stop. And then locking her out of his office? How dare he? The
impact of his words hadn't hit her until she got to his office and realized
that he really wasn't going to let her in... literally. He was shutting her
out of his life. Shane was kicking her out of his office and his life.

Jennifer Courtney Moe did not smother anyone. Ever.

If he wanted space, she would give it to him. A whole fucking galaxy of
space, if that was what he wanted.

She had a life that did not revolve around Shane. He was the one who came
running back to her for advice. Half the time, he ignored her anyway, so
how could he blame her for everything that went wrong in his life.

She never judged him. Ok, maybe she did a little. And maybe she did express
how she felt about his choices... come on, he made pretty bad choices, most
of the time. She wasn't just going to stand back and let him ruin his lift,
now was she?

She, in fact, distinctly remembered telling him that she had his back, no
matter what he chose to do. And she did. She always had, but she was no
longer sure that she always would.

They'd had their bumps before, but he'd never shut her out like
this. Inevitably, one of them would give in and apologize. They'd make up
and promise never to fight again.

Something told Jenny, that this one was going to be different. For one
thing, she still had no idea what she'd done wrong.

Sure, it'd all began with fucking Drew.

Shane fucking Drew, that is.

Shane was naïve, incredibly naïve. A fuck did not mean forever.

She'd been patient, confident that he and Drew wouldn't last three
months. But Drew, sneaky bastard, had burrowed a hole, deeper than she'd
ever imagined, in Shane's heart. He'd strung Shane along ensuring that he
was well and truly in love with him, before performing his first
disappearing act.

Jenny did not do things by halves. Being Shane's best friend meant she was
fiercely protective and when he hurt, she hurt, too.  She'd wiped every
damn tear that Shane shed for that motherfucker.

No questions asked, no complaints. Okay, maybe one or two... but she'd done
the best she possibly could.

There were lots of things that she was not, Jenny decided.

She was no longer a size four. No matter how hard she tried to squeeze
herself into her old jeans, they probably would never fit again.

She wasn't one for morning workouts considering she'd only lasted 15
minutes into her Yoga for Dummies DVD.

 She also knew what she was.

She was a damn good friend, and nothing Shane said was ever going to change
that.  So screw him, she concluded, and the fucking horse he rode in on.

With a determined smile, she rolled up her yoga mat and put it away.

Today, she decided, wouldn't be the first day in the life a new
Jenny... nope; it would just be another day in the life.




***********




He popped four pills in his mouth and followed it quickly with a long drag
of cold Corona. Risking a brief glance at himself in the mirror, he
shuddered and regretted it immediately.

Thoughts of the day ahead only intensified the pounding in his head. He
considered crawling back into bed but the daunting task of trying to fall
asleep again seemed too much to handle.

He slid the shower door open, stepped in, and with one hand propped against
the cool tiles he braced himself for the icy spray which served to
simultaneously wake him up and clear his foggy head. He took one last sip
of beer before sliding the glass door open once more and placing the long
neck on a nearby cabinet.

He readjusted the water temperature to a more comfortable setting and
squirted a glob of shampoo into his palm.  As he massaged his scalp, Leo
was reminded once more that he was long overdue for a hair cut. He tilted
his head under the warm jet of water and soapy residues trailed down his
chest.

A quick glance at his swollen cock reminded him that he was overdue for a
lot of things.

With another squirt of shower gel in his palm, he coated his cock and then
leaned against the tiles and closed his eyes. He let his hand run lightly
down the shaft and balls, enjoying the sudden rush of blood that left him
even more swollen. He let out a low moan and began a slow sensual stroke up
and down his length.

He opened his eyes and saw Shane; mouth wide open, ready and willing to
accept him.

Soft lips brushed across his shaft and a warm tongue lapped the precome
that bubbled at the tip. He threaded his fingers into Shane's blonde hair
as his warm mouth enclosed him and he strained to push himself deeper into
the accepting throat. The ache in his shaft became even heavier as he
looked down at the bobbing head.

He was so close. He bit down on his lip to hold back a loud groan, but he
didn't succeed, and amused blue eyes stared up at him.

Shane came off his cock and took a long slow lick up the underside length
and then around the sensitive head. Leo closed his eyes once more and Shane
took him into his mouth again. It was a slow entry, with Shane's lips
teasingly inching downwards until Leo felt the back of his throat.

Consumed by the warm tongue swirling around his shaft, he'd been unaware
when Shane's hand crept up to grasp the base of his cock. The overload of
sensations suddenly became too much to handle, and then he was coming.

A thrilling wave of pleasure swept over him and his eyes shot open just in
time to see himself shooting against his chest and abs. Several drops also
landed on the luminous marble tiles in front of him and the contrast was
startling: his milky essence against the onyx backdrop.

He leaned back to catch his breath and whispered, "Shane...?"

There was complete silence except the spray of water above him, and Leo
suddenly became aware of one startling fact. He was all alone.

He closed his eyes, consumed in shame. It'd been so real. He could've
sworn...

Shit.

He stood under the warm shower spray once more to clear his head.

Shit. Shit. Shit. What just happened, he wondered.

He slid the shower door open slightly and felt around the cabinet for his
beer. It was gone. In its place was a warm Styrofoam cup.

"Paul?" he called out.

He heard a loud grunt in response.

"What did I tell you about letting yourself in my room like a goddamn
ghost?"

Another loud grunt was Paul's only response.

"And where's my beer?" he yelled.

"It's 8:30 in the fucking A.M.," Paul yelled back.

Leo sighed, obediently took a sip of coffee and then withdrew to resume his
shower.




**********




"Daddy, can I have a Spider-Man Band-Aid?" Aidan asked bravely. He stared
at his scraped arm, which was now devoid of blood but hurt none the
less. He wiped away a tear that still lingered on his nose and sniffled
loudly.

"Sure... let's see what we've got here," Dominic said in a calm voice as he
rifled through his backpack. "I see Super-Man and Bat-Man and ... okay,
here comes Spider-Man. Hold out your arm."

Aidan stretched out his arm awkwardly, "Like this?"

"Not that way. I can't reach the scrape if your arm's upside down," Dominic
said patiently. When Aidan complied, he carefully applied the band-aid on
the small scratch.

"Feel any better?" he asked optimistically.

"No," Aidan murmured.

"Want me to kiss it better?"

"Sure," came Aidan's subdued response.

Dominic gathered his four-year old son in his arms, and then sat him gently
on his knees. He took the arm tenderly in his, and placed several kisses on
the Band-Aid.

"Does it feel any better now?" He asked hopefully.

A small smile finally appeared on Aidan's downcast face and he nodded.

Dominic then pulled him closer and hugged him tightly.

"I love you, little man," He whispered.

"I love you too, daddy," came Aidan's muffled response.

Shane watched in captivated silence as Dominic comforted and eased his
son's distress.

The dark curly hairs on Dominic's arms stood in sharp contrast to the boy's
sandy blonde hair. The diamond on his platinum wedding band glinted as he
lifted his hand and cupped Aidan's head.

"You okay now?" he asked solemnly.

"Uh huh...can I go back to the monkey bars?"

"Yes, but be careful, Aidan."

"Sure, dad," came the rushed reply as Aidan darted back to his friends.

Dominic shook his head knowing that his concerns fell on deaf ears. He
returned the Band-Aid box to his backpack and fished out two sandwiches and
juice boxes.

"I hope you like turkey, lettuce, tomato and mayo on whole wheat," he asked
Shane with a sly smirk and added quickly, "Apple or fruit punch?"

Shane stared at him disbelievingly, "Sandwiches and juice boxes?"

Dominic grinned and handed Shane a wax paper wrapped sandwich.

"That's lunch?"

"Hey don't knock it till you tried it, okay?" Dominic replied. He unwrapped
his sandwich and took a hearty bite.

"I didn't know you cooked," Shane said as he punched his straw through the
juice box.

"Making a sandwich doesn't exactly require advanced culinary skills, you
know," Dominic responded defensively.

"When you said you wanted us to meet for lunch, I imagined a lot of things,
but never this...?"

"And what is "this" exactly?"

"You," Shane began slowly as he waved his hand in Dominic's
direction. "You're a dad with a son. You make sandwiches and drink juice
boxes. You've got a backpack with Band-Aids in it... who the hell are you
and what have you done with my friend?"

Dominic smiled and responded through a mouthful, "You think I've changed?"

"Yes... and no," Shane said carefully, suddenly aware that he might be
treading on dangerous ground. "It's been a while since we hung out, you
know. I'd forgotten what it's like... You're the same but you've changed,
in a good way. Fatherhood looks good on you."

Dominic nodded in agreement, "I know what you mean. Being a father... it
brings out all these things I never thought I was capable of... My first
waking thought, every morning, is of him. I think of what I can do to make
sure he's gonna have the best possible day, you know? I love Rowan... but
being a father - being with Aidan - it changes everything, you know? Before
we got him, I knew I'd love him, but I didn't think it would... not like
this... it's nothing like I thought. He's just amazing - I can't even put
into words - I'm not making much sense, am I?"

Shane smiled at the outpouring of emotion from his friend, "Yes, you are. I
think it's great. What you have, what you, Rowan and Aidan have... it's
beautiful."

"Me and Row... yeah, sure... sure we're great," Dominic said distractedly
as he bit into his sandwich and stared at his son dangling precariously
from a monkey bar several yards away.

Shane took a sip of juice and winced at the incredibly tart sweetness that
assailed his tongue.

Dominic glanced at him and smiled, "Fruit Punch? I don't like that one
either. Too sweet. It's Aidan's favorite."

Shane forced himself to swallow and took a small bite of his sandwich,
"This is actually not half bad."

Dominic smirked and responded "So I take it when I said "lunch at the
park," you thought I meant..."

"Lunch at "The Park"..." Shane cut in.

"Ahhh... The Park... Yum, I love that place! Haven't been there in ages,
though. They make a mean Porterhouse steak" Dominic said
appreciatively. "And they've got the best martinis, too. I had this
pomegranate one, once... heaven in a crystal glass, I swear."

Shane noted the hint of barely disguised longing in his friend's voice and
said quickly, "But this is pretty good, too. Nothing beats a good sandwich
and a... uh ... juice box. Besides I haven't had a day off in months. Your
text came at the perfect time, believe me."

"The perfect time, huh? My timing's been so off lately, I can't believe I
actually did something right," Dominic said quietly.

"What do you mean?" Shane asked.

He shook his head and responded, "Nothing. So tell me, how're you doing?
How's life?"

"Don't try to change the subject, Dom. I know you. Is everything okay with
you and Rowan?"

Dominic glanced at Shane. His wavy dark hair tumbled carelessly over his
eyes and he pushed it back impatiently. His deep set brown eyes, full of
mischief, watched Shane intently as he said casually, "So I ran into Drew
the other day..."

Shane was torn. He wanted to find out what was wrong with his friend, and
what exactly his cryptic statement about bad timing meant, but he couldn't
resist following up on the subject of Drew.

"So, what about Drew?" He responded in as casual a tone as he could manage.

"Oh, nothing. Just thought I'd mention it, that's all," Dominic said.

"Ok?" Shane said suspiciously.

"We talked a little."

"Oh, you did?"

"He said you ended it."

"It's a little more complicated than that, Dom"

"But you did end it?"

Shane sighed, "Yes."

"Want to talk about it?"

"There's nothing to talk about. In fact, the way I see it, most of my
friends probably had some kind of pool running to see how long we'd last."

"No, we didn't," Dominic declared adamantly.

Shane smiled, "Well, thanks. That's reassuring."

"Yes, we did. But it over a year ago, after you guys broke up and he came
back for the umpteenth time. Rowan and Jen lost a ton really
quickly... they didn't think you guys would last a month... I was the last
man standing," Dom concluded smugly.

Shane's jaw dropped, "No way, Dom! Jen and Rowan, sure... but you? Really?"

Dominic had the grace to look abashed.

"Um... yeah. We just couldn't understand why you were still together. I
mean, Drew's fine and all... but both of you... together... no way."

Silence.

And then Shane let out a burst of laughter and with an amused shake of his
head, admitted, "You guys were right, after all, I guess."

Dominic reached over and patted his hand reassuringly, "We're just glad you
came around to our way of thinking."

 They ate their sandwiches in comfortable silence until Dominic spoke up
again, "So are you okay? Alone, I mean... it has been a long time since
you've been single..."

"I don't know," Shane said after a long pause.

"I think this might be good for you, you know? Being single..."

"You mean, being alone?" Shane interjected.

"No, being single and alone are totally different," Dominic began in a tone
that sounded ever more patronizing to Shane as he continued, "You've got
friends who love you and want the best for you... and Drew has been neither
of those for a very long time. Being single just means you've got some
time, on your own, to maybe figure out what you really want."

"That's easy for you to say," Shane snapped back. He's become so sick of
listening to condescending words of advice from his friends. "You've been
with the man you love, for so long, you don't even know what it's like to
not have someone who loves you. You've got the perfect husband, the perfect
son; the fucking stars have been aligned in your favor for so long, Dom
that you've forgotten what it's like for the rest of us, unlucky
suckers. Don't preach to me about the benefits of being single."

Dominic chewed slowly, swallowed the bite of sandwich in his mouth and said
calmly, "My twelve year old Ford Taurus in college had less mileage than
your relationship. Ending that thing, that relationship or whatever you
wanna call it, that was a mercy killing. You know and I know that you're
relieved it's over. You know why you're pissed? Because you feel
guilty... Giving him furniture, paying the rent for his new place, all that
shit you did for him? It's nice... but you did it because you feel
guilty... but you're glad he's gone. You miss the relationship, but you
don't miss him."

Shane remained silent and then spoke up weakly, "Fuck you."

"In your dreams," Dom replied.

"I hate it when you do that." Shane said after a short pause. "You say
shit, like you're so sure it's true."

"And it isn't?" Dom asked around his mouthful.

"Some of it... may be..." Shane trailed off.

Dominic smiled, "When I say shit like that, Shane, it's because me and you,
we're pretty similar... you and Jenny have the yin-yang thing going
on... and both of us, well, we're too much alike."

Shane knows how true this is. It's why he's best friends with Jenny. She
balances him out. With Dominic, most times, he feels like his talking to a
mirror image of himself. He hears his thoughts when he converses with
Dom. It's the reason why they're often at odds with each other, knowing
exactly what buttons to push even when they know better.

"You think you've got it rough?" Dominic begins again. "One long delayed
broken heart and it's the end of the world? Fuck you. You don't have the
balls to handle a real relationship."

Shane remained silent as he sensed that Dom had a lot on his mind and was
working through the issues out loud.

"You've no fucking idea how hard I work at it with Row, and now Aiden. It's
not all fucking rainbows and butterflies, Shane. The stars are aligned
because I hung those motherfuckers up in the sky myself. I work hard for my
happiness. I never got jackshit handed to me on a silver platter. And now,
you'd think I'd be happy right?"

Shane figured that was a rhetorical question and wisely chose to remain
quiet.

Dominic took a noisy sip from his juice box and continued, "I've got Rowan
and Aiden. We're healthy; they're children in Africa dying of fucking
malaria and cholera and I've got my baby here, happy and healthy. We're
doing pretty fucking well, you know? Rowan's on track to make partner at
the law firm next year. He's making the dough much faster than we can spend
it. We're healthy and they're happy and I'm... I'm... I'm not."

"I should be, you know?" He started again after a brief pause. "I've always
been one of those people who knows exactly what he wants, and I worked so
hard for so long to put it all together. Now, I've got it, but I don't want
it."

Dominic covered his mouth in alarm, "Fuck, I can't believe I just said
that."

Shane was shocked to hear Dominic's words, "I'm not sure I'm following
you... what don't you want?"

Dominic's voice broke, "I want a break from them, the responsibilities;
Rowan and Aiden, they're both so needy, I'm giving them all that I
have... all that I am... I don't know who I am anymore."

Shane was unsure how to start, "What are you saying? You don't want them
anymore?"

"No, of course not." Dominic snapped defensively.

"Because I'm pretty sure Aiden didn't come with a return receipt to the
adoption agency," Shane observed.

"No, no, I want Aiden. Of course, I want him; he's my life. And Rowan's my
heart. I want them. I love them," Dominic rubbed at his eyes, to hide the
tears that were threatening to fall. "I'm just so exhausted all the
time. I'm thirty four, and I think, this is it. This my life. Each day that
goes by, I think, that's it. That's the best it's ever going to be. It's
not getting better. This is my life. This is my fucking life."

He broke down in tears and Shane leaned over, tucking the older man's head
on his shoulder and rubbing his back soothingly.

"It's okay, baby. It's okay, let it out, baby," He murmured. He didn't
think he understood everything he'd just heard.

"Are you sure a new Porsche won't fix this?" He asked finally.

Dom chuckled amidst tears and pushed at Shane, "This is not a midlife
crises, damn it. I'm not in midlife, yet!"

He reached for his backpack and scrabbled around until he came up with a
pack of tissues.

Shane understood the wanting and not wanting. It's the same dichotomous
nature in him that wanted Drew around and pushed him away at the same
time. He can see why Dominic would be having second thoughts about the
family he'd worked so hard for.

"Dom," he said softly, "Are you talking to someone about this?"

"What, you mean a shrink?" Dom replied.

Shane nodded affirmatively.

"No, of course not. I'm fine. I swear. I've been this way for a while, but
it'll go away. Rowan and Aiden suspect nothing. I'm good. It's just hearing
you moan and bitch, about your life... it set me off, that's all," Dominic
said.

Shane reached and took Dom's hand firmly in his, "You know I love you,
right?"

Dominic gave a smile.

"So believe me when I say, you're a lying sack of shit."

Dominic tried to withdraw his hand but Shane gripped it even more tightly.

"I know you. Something set this off. You haven't been like this. A couple
months ago, you were good. I know it; even you couldn't fake the glow I
saw. What happened?"

"It's nothing. I swear. It's just something that's been festering for a
long time now and I..."

"No," Shane cut in insistently. "What you've got with Row and Aiden. It is
a special thing. I know few other fathers who love their kids, like you do
Aiden. And Rowan, he's your heart. You said so, yourself. So tell me, what
knocked you off your rocker? What has you so upset, that you're second
guessing everything you've ever wanted?"

Dominic stared out at the playing kids in front of him. He glanced upwards
at the sky and then he looked at Shane, staring long and hard.

He smiled finally and said, "Mirror images."

"Peas in a pod," Shane responded.

Dominic nodded, as though reassuring himself of something. He leaned off
the bench they were sitting and reached into his back pocket.

He handed over a crumpled, folded, newspaper page to Shane.

Shane was curious. He unfolded the page carefully and scanned an article on
foreign affairs. He turned to ask Dominic exactly what he was holding when
he noticed that the byline read. "D. Marin, Staff Writer".

"You wrote this," Shane said. "But you used your old name. Why? I don't get
it."

"I couldn't bring myself to write as Dominic Hayes. That's a different
person. Rowan doesn't know. He doesn't get it. He thinks I'm working on my
novel." Dom shook his head and laughed bitterly, "I've got no more
potential to become the next Faulkner than Aiden becoming the next van
Gogh. Honestly, I love my boy but his finger paintings are atrocious!"

He glanced at Shane briefly then returned his gaze to the playground, "I've
been sneaking off in the afternoons, while Aiden's on play dates, to the my
old office... it's almost like I'm having an affair, you know? Sam, my old
editor, he'd called me a couple of months ago. The investigative team was a
little short and he thought I could put in a couple of hours a week. I
didn't tell Rowan, of course. I've been working with, uh some guy, and we
uncovered this great story and we got a lead, in Beijing. Our contact can't
do phone interviews; he's scared the phones are bugged and well, the
internet's censored over there. So Adam, that's who I'm working with, he
gets to go to Beijing. It was my fucking lead... and I had to give it up. I
couldn't go. Couldn't follow the lead... it was mine. I worked so hard for
it."

With a loud sigh, he paused then resumed slowly, "I quit, yesterday. I quit
my job again."

"This is me," Dominic said with a bitter smile. "This is my life. I'm a
writer, who can't write. That's what this is all about. I know I'm
selfish. But before I became a husband, a father... I was, am, a writer - a
journalist. That was my identity; it's the only part of me that feels truly
me. Sometimes, when I put Aiden to bed, after I've read a book or three,
and I kiss him good night. The light switch, when I turn it out, it feels
like I'm shedding a skin, you know? It feels like, OK, I'm done
now. Daddy's gone.  But when I follow a lead or writing with Adam, it just
feels so organic. No second guessing... I don't have to stop and think,
it's just me doing what I love best.

Shane stroked Dominic's hand softly, "You should talk to Rowan about
this. You shouldn't sneak around like this... You've got every right to go
back to work if you want to... you're not a fifties housewife."

"No," Dom said evenly as he shook his head.

 "What about what you want? Rowan's got to compromise, too. Fifty-fifty,
right," Shane asked.

Dominic's laugh was loud and hollow, "Fifty-fifty? What universe are you
from? It doesn't work that way. That compromise shit that people talk about
in relationships? It's a lie. Someone always loses, Shane."

"But can you live with this? The disappointment of letting your dreams
go. You think it's that fucking easy?"

Dom wiped his eyes and looked off down at his sneaker clad feet. He kicked
at the grassy lawn and murmured softly, "Disappointed, disillusioned,
despaired, disenchanted, dissatisfied, disheartened... want me to keep `em
coming?"

Shane shook his head.




**********************



Shane is incredibly proud of his friends. He hopes that someday, he'll be
with someone whom he loves and trusts enough to take the incredibly huge
step of adopting a child. He's still young, though. He's got time to figure
that out.

He watches Dominic hum as he skips around the kitchen. Organized in the
absolute chaos of dishes, platters and beverages.

"So how are you guys going to do it all? Working, traveling, and caring for
a baby - do you have a nanny yet?" He'd asked Dominic.

"No," Dominic had responded.  "Rowan and I, well, we decided, well, it was
more of a bargain, you see... I'm going to... I'm leaving the Times."

"No way!" Shane exclaimed.

"It's for the best," Dominic said. "You know how hard it was to get Rowan
to do this. He'd never planned to become a father, so soon. He wasn't
ready, not the way I was, and when he finally came around to the idea of us
with a baby... Well he thought it would be best if we did it properly. You
know, the old fashioned way."

"So you're going to become a housewife?" Shane asked incredulously.

"Fuck you, Shane."

"I'm sorry." Shane said with no regret. "But please, you've got to explain
this to me because I cannot, for the life of me, understand how this makes
sense. You finally got your dream job writing for the Times. You're doing
investigative pieces, like you've always wanted, not just features. And now
you're just going to walk away from it all?"

"Some things are more important than my career," Dominic responded sharply.

"Apparently, Rowan's career is!" Shane cuts in.

"He's a lawyer, Shane. He brings in the bacon. He makes at least three
times what I make at the paper... besides, it's my fault. I'm the one who
pushed for this. Rowan wasn't ready, you know? I'm the one who wants a baby
and we decided to compromise, you see. He can't stand the idea of a child
growing up without parents... the way he did. They were never there and the
moment he was old enough, they shipped him off to boarding school. So I
said I'd quit. If we got approved; I'd quit. And we did. So now..."

"You're gonna quit." Shane murmurs.

"Look, all I need is your support, ok? I'm gonna do this, and I think it's
the right thing for the baby and for us. We'll have a nanny for maybe the
first couple of months. Until I can get a hang of things and then we'll go
from there. Trust me on this, Shane. It's gonna be ok. It's what I want. I
can't think of anything that would make our relationship stronger, right
now. I know it means a lot to Rowan, to not make the same mistakes his
parents did with him. I'm ok with it. Are you?"

Shane is slow to respond but he finally nods.

Dominic smiles and leans forward to kiss Shane on his cheek, "Thanks. I
don't want to do this without you."

Shane asks thoughtfully, "If you wanted to, you'd be able to go back to
work, right? I mean you're not going to be a stay at home dad till the
baby's off to college."

Dominic sighed. He leaned behind Shane to take a tray of hors d'oeuvres and
responded, "We'll cross that bridge when we get there. But I can't imagine
wanting to do anything... or be anything but a father to my baby boy."

Shane began insistently, "Dom, I really think..."

"So we settled on Joaquin for his middle name and we're down to two names
for his first," Dominic cut in, in an obvious attempt to change the
subject.

"Aidan and Liam... I'm leaning towards Liam, myself, but Rowan's all for
Aidan. He claims it's got nothing to do with the fact that it so similar to
his... Liam Joaquin Hayes has such a nice ring to it, don't you think?"

Shane sighed. This was Dominic's way of not dealing with issues --
changing the topic of conversation. He figured he'd just let it go. It
really wasn't his problem, after all.

He steals a crab cake from the tray Dom is holding, pops it in his mouth
and grins wryly, "And I suppose your preference for the name Liam has
nothing to do with your crush on Liam Neeson, huh?"

Dominic turns red and proceeds to walk out of the kitchen with as much
dignity as he can, "I have no idea what you're talking about - besides it's
not a crush - more of a mild fondness for the man, that's all."

"Says the person who made me sit through that awful horror movie; what was
it called again?" Shane teases.

Dominic pauses and glares at Shane, "Fine. You got me. It's his accent, ok?
The beautiful Irish brogue. I've got a thing for Gaelic speaking men, sue
me! Oh, but say nothing to Rowan, ok? I really think I have this one in the
bag. It's gonna be Liam, I can just tell."



*********************




Shane brushed bread crumbs off his jacket. He felt emotionally drained. The
breakup with Drew, fighting with Jen, the thing with Leo, and now this...

He glanced at Dom who was watching his son intently on the playground. At
thirty four, he found Dominic quite attractive with his wide, expressive
hazel eyes, dark olive skin, and luscious lips so full that Shane had often
wondered what they would feel like pressed against his.

Dominic suddenly leaned half off his seat in alarm and Shane turned his
gaze quickly to the playground for Aidan.

Aidan was attempting to climb a slide by wriggling his way up the slide
instead of using the ladder. Another child was at the top of the slide and
began propelling himself for a quick descent. A collision with Aidan, who
was half way up the slide, was certainly imminent.

Aidan suddenly let go of the arm rails and slid down quickly. The other kid
followed behind and they both landed in a heap of arms and legs... laughing
and unhurt.

Dominic sat back down and muttered, "That kid will be the death of me, I
swear. I try really hard. I don't want to be one of those overprotective,
helicopter parents. You know... those ones hovering around always, pointing
out everything that's dangerous... so I'm trying this new thing where I
stand back a little and let him be. There are a lot more cuts and scratches
now, but Rowan says that it's for the best -- for both us."

Shane reached out and patted Dom's knee affectionately, "I think you're
doing a great job."

Dominic turned his expressive brown eyes to Shane, and asked anxiously,
"You really think so?"

"Yes, you're a good father."

"How can you say that? After everything I just said. If I could, I would've
left him for my job. I would have."

"It doesn't mean you love him any else and it doesn't make you less a
father," Shane assured him.

"Have you ever had this itch... where you know everything's not ok, but you
keep chugging along because you've tried a bunch of things already, and
they sorta soothe it but, really, this itch just refuses to go away. It's
not so bad and you think you can live with the itch but then along comes
something special and bam, it's the cure... it scratches the itch and
whoosh... it's gone. The itch is gone. It just disappears and you look back
and realize that things haven't really been ok for a long
time... fuck... Is this making any sense at all?"

Dominic's analogy hit much closer to home for Shane, than he'd care to
admit out loud. He'd been ok with Drew. Sure things weren't so great, but
they weren't so bad either. He'd been ready to spend the rest of his life
with Drew... sure, there was an itch but he could live with it. Then he'd
met Leo. Shit, if that wasn't the cure for the fucking itch then he didn't
know what was.

"Either way, I lose. My family or my career. It's that fucking simple."

Dominic reached for his backpack and brought out a pack of cigarettes.

"I thought you quit?" Shane asked.

Dom nodded his head in agreement and said, "Me too."

He searched the park for Aidan and gives him a short wave. When Aidan
looked away, he lit up and brought the cigarette to his lips quickly,
attempting to smoke in a way hidden from view.

"I mean, I get it," Dominic said suddenly as though he was picking up an
unfinished sentence. "It is sort of a midlife crises." He ran his hand
through his thick dark hair and tapped off cigarette ash on the edge of the
bench.

"I pushed Rowan -- he wasn't ready for Aidan; I was but he wasn't. He
went ahead with the adoption because of me. I know he loves Aidan, I have
no doubt. But I think maybe... maybe he sorta, kinda regrets it,
sometimes. Maybe I do too, I don't know. Now I've got Aidan, I wouldn't
change a thing. But some nights, I wonder, you know... what if I'd waited."

His voice trails off in thought, "I've changed. I can't help it. So I'd
rather go to Baby Gap than Versace... sue me. I used to have Queer as Folk
on the DVR, now it's filled with reruns of Yo Gabba Gabba and The Wiggles."

At Shane's questioning look, he responded, "Don't even ask!"

He puffed deeply on the cigarette and continued, "We haven't made love in
two months, Me and Row."

"Tell me about Adam," Shane asked.

Dom was taken aback at Shane's non sequitur, "What about Adam?"

"You sort of hesitated when you said his name. There was something
there..."

"Do you think anyone feels shittier than I do, right now?" Dominic
interjected defensively. "Nothing happened, okay? I would never betray
Rowan that way, never!"

"But...?" Shane asked.

Dominic sighed, "I think, right now, Adam represents everything I want but
can't have. He's appealing in a way that's just perfect, right now. Writing
just like I used to... The freedom to just pick up and travel in a
heartbeat with nothing but my passport, laptop and a toothbrush. The thrill
of the chasing down the questions and answers... my youth."

Shane frowned. Row and Dom have been his close friends for a very long
time. For as long as he remembered, they've always been together. There'd
never been Dominic without Rowan, or the way around.

"When did you start feeling this way?"

"What way?" Dominic asked.

"With sex... when did you get uninterested?"

Dominic blushed and ducked his head. "I'm not uninterested. Disinterested,
maybe... but not uninterested."

Shane rolled his eyes at Dom's equivocation and remarked, "Perhaps you
should have gotten that law degree instead of Rowan."

Dominic sighs, "I love Rowan."

"I'm sure you do. But there's obviously some disconnect, if you're in love
with him, but unwilling or unable to fuck him."

Shane's deliberately crude remark has the effect of making Dominic look him
straight in the eye and respond in return, "I am able... just unwilling."

"Why?"

"I don`t know!" Dominic cried out suddenly. "I don't fucking know why I
don't want to fuck my husband."

Shane sighed, "You know why you don't want to fuck. You're laying out all
the pieces. You just need to put the puzzle together."

Dominic flicked the last of cigarette into the grass, "Maybe I don't. It's
my life and it's nothing like I thought it would be. My life's gone to
shit. It's fucking depressing. Rowan works all the time and I barely see
him anymore. Last time we did it, I laid back... and he just... he just
fucking pumped away."

There was a loud beep and Dominic leaned over and dug in his backpack. He
retrieved his cell phone a few seconds later and waved it wildly, "This is
how we communicate."

He listened to a voicemail message and smirked, "Darling husband's working
late, again."

Shane stretched out his hand to to touch Dom but he leaned out of reach.

"I don't think I could handle you touching me now, Shane. Not now. I'm
barely holding it together as it is," Dominic said.

The air had become cooler as the afternoon sun began receeding. They sat
back in silence, lost in contemplation.

Rapidly approaching footsteps alerted them to the fact that Aidan was
running to them.

"Daddy can we go home now?" he asked.

The playground was emptying quickly as mothers and sitters collected their
wards.  Dom held out a jacket which Aiden slipped into, "Sure, baby."

"Uncle Shane?" Aidan said. "Do you want to come home with us? We're gonna
make brownies with frosting and sprinkles on top?"

Dom hid behind Aidan and made an apologetic face, "No," he mouthed back at
Shane.

Shane smiled apologetically at Aidan, "Sorry, hon. I'd really love to make
brownies with you, but maybe next time."

Aidan nods and reaches up for his dad. Dominic swings the backpack on his
shoulder and lifts his son who wraps his arms tightly around him.

Shane leans forward and hugs both of them tightly, "Nice seeing you Aidan,"
he says.

To Dominic, he whispers, "You're going to be okay."

Dominic gives a tight smile which doesn't reach his eyes and grips Shane
tightly to him, "Thank you."



**************



Shane walked quickly to his apartment. A spring to his step was present,
that wasn't there before. Not that his friend's misery made him happy, but
to be fair, it was kind of comforting to know that someone else was having
a pretty crappy day.




To be continued.




I began writing this story several years ago. To any original fans who have
picked this up again -- sincere apologies for the delay and thank you for
hanging in there. Shane and Leo were never far from my mind all these years
and they've got a story that needs to be told. To any one reading this for
the first time, thank you for checking out my story.

I'd love to hear from you; feedback, thoughts and comments are greatly
appreciated.



*Disclaimer: At his apartment, Shane hums the words to Burt Bacharach and
Hal David's "A House is Not a Home."