Date: Sun, 06 Jun 2010 14:58:21 -0400
From: jayse@mindless.com
Subject: Up Close and Personal - Chapter 13

Chapter 13:   Imagine You and Me (or The Deconstruction of Shane Roderick)


Leo didn't even want to think about what Shane was doing in the bathroom,
in the first place. He found that every time his mind went there, sweat
started popping out on his forehead and his fists, unconsciously, began to
clench.

No, he wasn't even going to think about Shane sucking off some asshole who
had no fucking clue what Shane looked like sleeping, with his long
eyelashes brushing against his cheek and lips parted softly as he breathed
in and out.

Right now, he so wasn't thinking about Shane, spreading that fucker's
thighs, filling his mouth with his cock -- he wasn't thinking about
it... He wasn't going there... Nope. Nada. Not at all. He
abso-fucking-lutely was not thinking about Shane on his knees in the
bathroom with that bastard...

A sharp knock on the bedroom door roused him from the thoughts he was not
thinking. He got up gently from the bed and headed to the door where Jake
was waiting to usher in an older, dark skinned man dressed in a bright tee,
colorful plaid vest and patterned shorts.

Leo eyed the odd attire suspiciously and quirked an eyebrow at Jake who
grinned, "Turns out he was on his way to the golf course when Paul made the
call."

Leo eyed the man again. He was short - well beside Jake's hulking figure,
everyone looked short. He had black horn-rimmed glasses perched low on his
nose and salt and pepper hair with a neatly trimmed goatee.

He clutched a tan leather bag in one hand and offered the other to Leo,
"Charlie Osmond. Doctor Charlie Osmond."

On closer inspection, Leo decided that despite his absurd outfit, he did,
indeed, look like a doctor. He shook his hand, "Leo Malone."

"Are you the patient?" Osmond asked, eyes glancing surreptitiously at Leo's
throat.

Leo shook his head, "No, he's in there, sleeping. Could you hold on a sec?"
With that, he shut the door on Osmond and approached Shane's sleeping form
on the bed.

"Hey," he said softly. He sat on the edge of the bed and watched the rise
and fall of Shane's chest. Still debating whether or not to nudge him
awake, he said again, louder, "Shane?"

He moved closer, hovering above him and was about to speak when Shane's
eyes fluttered open, wide, blue and hazy with sleep.

Leo smiled, "Hey,"

Shane watched him bleary eyed for a second or two then shut his eyes again.

Leo said loudly, "There's someone here to see you. A doctor - he's here to
take a look at your... to check on you."

That got Shane's attention; his eyes shot open quickly, "No," he
croaked. He sat up slowly, allowing the blanket pool around his waist. He
rested weakly against the headboard and shuffled around until he was
comfortable.

He closed his eyes, "I'm okay." His voice weakly disproved his words.

Leo couldn't help but stare at the bruises marring Shane's throat. He
realized he was staring when Shane reached for the cover around his waist
and pulled it up around his naked shoulders and neck.

Leo looked away, staring instead at the wall before him, "We may disagree
about a lot of things, but not please, not this. You need to see a
doctor... You should... fuck... you should want to be seen by a
doctor. Have you seen or heard yourself lately?"

"Do you have any idea what it does to me, to see you like this?" Leo
continued, without waiting for a response from Shane. "You put up a fight
no matter what I..." He stopped speaking abruptly, thinking better about
what he was saying. He could feel his voice and temper rising with every
subsequent word. He wasn't mad at Shane. He got off the bed and walked to
the door. He wasn't mad at Shane.

Unable to look at his lover sitting forlornly on the bed, he calmed himself
then spoke as persuasively as he could, "Wear something, then come out when
you're ready, please."

Shane called out hoarsely, "Leo, wait, I didn't mean..." he paused to
swallow and winced at the onslaught of pain that followed the simple
action. His tongue felt thick and sluggish, and talking required more
effort than he wanted to let on.

Leo sighed, "We'll talk later."  With that, he pulled the door open
briskly, and said to Osmond, "He'll be right out."

He shut the door on Shane whom he'd left behind in the bedroom, reassuring
himself once more, I am not fucking pissed at Shane.




*********************




He lit up for the first time in days. He'd been making an effort not to
smoke during shows because his singing voice got too raspy which meant he
had to push himself harder to reach the high notes.

He surveyed the apartment as he took a walk around, getting his first good
look at the place since he arrived.

The apartment was barely recognizable; devoid of furniture and personal
belongings. What the hell had Shane done with his stuff? He wasn't moving
to a new place, was he? And if he was, then why move the couch and rug, but
leave the armchairs behind?

In the kitchen, he noticed several empty spaces on the countertop... He
seemed to remember seeing an espresso machine the last time he was here,
and a toaster, maybe? Even the contents of the refrigerator were pathetic;
ketchup and coffee creamer.

What had Shane been eating?

Weaving his way deliberately through the rest of the apartment, he realized
suddenly, that even the little dog was missing, too. He paused for a
second, wondering if Shane got robbed - very unlikely - besides who would
steal that ugly little pug?

Exhaling smoke as he made his way back, he lingered for a few moments by
the bedroom when he heard the low tones of Osmond's voice and Shane's muted
responses. He'd tried to get in there with Shane, but Osmond had preferred
to see his patient, as he'd referred to Shane, alone.

He settled back down in the living room, on the glossy hardwood floor. Cool
air from a nearby air vent blew across his skin as he leaned against the
back of an armchair.

This place was fucking depressing, he decided. How could Shane be here
alone? Everything about this place seemed somehow incomplete...

He jumped to his feet when the bedroom door opened to reveal Osmond. For a
moment, he panicked, unsure how bad Shane's injuries were.

"How is he?" he asked desperately.

"He'll live," Osmond said flatly. "He's suffered blunt trauma to the
larynx, caused by -- and I'm taking a wild guess here - manual
strangulation? He's lucky he didn't sustain any damage to the tracheal
cartilage. Normally I'd recommend going to the hospital for some X-ray and
CT scans but in this case..."

Osmond's voice trailed off and Leo stayed silent, unreceptive to the
doctor's subtle urging to go to a hospital. He knew Shane couldn't risk his
injuries becoming public. His carefully cultivated persona, as a wholesome
friendly morning talk show host, wouldn't mesh well with someone who had
sustained injuries from what was obviously a fight of some sort.

Osmond shrugged and resumed, "There might be some risk of
infection... highly unlikely, but the risk remains, nonetheless so I put
him on a five-day course of antibiotics. The swelling's going down; he
should've applied an icepack within the first 24 hours, it's too late now
to do much for that... I suppose some ice could still be applied
intermittently... the swelling will eventually abate on its own... And I'm
afraid it's going to be a liquid diet for the next week. He isn't going to
be swallowing much of anything."

"So he's going to be okay, eventually?" Leo asked, still unsure where
Osmond had just delivered good or bad news to him.

Osmond hesitated, "He's got a bruised larynx," He paused then added, "I
suppose it's nothing to worry about since he will be okay, eventually. Your
friend there is quite lucky... about four out of every ten or so laryngeal
trauma victims die of their injuries."

Leo paled. He had no fucking idea it was that bad...and Shane, he'd been
trying to sleep it off... acting like there was nothing wrong. Hell, they
could've been in bed right now, fucking, if he hadn't realized something
was wrong with him.

"Four out of ten victims," Leo mused, "And you say I shouldn't be worried?"

"You see, the larynx is a well-protected organ," Osmond said in a superior
voice that Leo was sure he used with nurses and interns at his place of
work. "It's made of cartilage woven together by muscle tissue. What your
friend is feeling right now, is acute pain, caused by the
strangulation. The analgesic, or painkillers in layman's terms, should
help. His external bruises should heal over the next week and fade
eventually; I gave him a topical cream to reduce inflammation and help the
healing. The vocal dysfunction is normal... he'll get his voice back
eventually... though it might take as long as a month to get back to
normal. Considering his profession, I guess that is something to worry
about... I can say with some certainty, that he won't be hosting a talk
show anytime soon with that voice."

Leo wondered how Shane had taken the news of his expected recovery time,
not well, he guessed. He started to lead Osmond to the door, when Osmond
stopped suddenly and stared at him with a hard look in his eyes, "You
didn't do that to him, did you?"

"Who, me?" Leo asked in alarm. "Fuck, no," he insisted adamantly. "I would
never... No, just fucking no."

Osmond nodded with evident relief, "Okay, that's reassuring, because
injuries of this nature are more often seen by forensic pathologists, if
you know what I mean... If just a little more pressure had been applied, he
would have suffered major damage to the thyroid and subsequent swelling
would have shut down his airway causing acute asphyxia, permanent
incapacitation or who knows..."

"Death..." Leo finished off to himself. He couldn't believe how close Shane
had come...

He pulled himself together and thanked Osmond for his services, reassuring
him that Paul Golden would, of course, be taking care of the bill.




*****************





Shane came out shortly after the door closed on Osmond. He lifted his hand
self-consciously to his throat, wincing when his fingertips brushed the
damaged skin. "So, uh, it wasn't so bad, after all," he said.

Leo responded with an incredulous look and Shane felt suddenly,
insecure. He turned to walk away quickly without saying anything more. Leo
followed after him with some hesitation. He got to the kitchen just in time
to see Shane fill a glass with water, throw back some pills and then
swallow with great difficulty.

"Have eaten anything today?" Leo asked. He didn't think it was a good idea
to be on so many medications without food.

Shane shook his head and turned his back on Leo to set the glass down in
the sink, "I'm not hungry," he responded simply. His movements were slow,
his throat burning up in pain and head pounding.

"You shouldn't be taking those on an empty stomach, you know?"

Shane didn't bother responding. He was so overwhelmed with guilt and
anxiety about what Leo was thinking.

He turned back around again and noticed that Leo had lit up a cigarette,
its orange tip gleaming brightly. He watched him take a long drag
nonchalantly, their eyes meeting in silence as smoke curled like a cloud
between them.

Shane decided, in that moment, that he didn't want to do this any
more. This felt too much like being with Drew again. He already felt like
shit - physically and mentally and now, Leo with his forceful manner,
acting all angry, judgmental and shit, was really pissing him off.

He could feel Leo's eyes on him, watchful, heavy and probing. In the past,
he'd known what Leo was thinking; he'd known what would be coming next, but
right now... he didn't and he found that he really didn't care.

Turning his back once more on Leo, he stared out the window overlooking the
sink pondering his next steps.

He could cut the tension in the room with a knife. He smirked, well what
was he waiting for? He didn't like being cast in this role, feeling like
he'd done something wrong. He wasn't the bad guy here and he sure as hell
had nothing to apologize for.

He cringed when he recalled with sudden clarity, his response to Leo's
phone call in the early hours of the morning. He was humiliated at how
needy he'd sounded - crying on the phone, pleading with Leo to come here to
be with him, acting helpless and vulnerable...

Huge mistake.

He could imagine what he looked like to Leo right now. Picking up a guy he
didn't know at some seedy club then getting beat down, getting what he
deserved... then he'd topped it all off by acting all needy... Shit, he
didn't need this... He could take care himself... He didn't need Leo here,
telling him what to do.

Yeah, he was grateful that Leo had dropped everything to come be here with
him, but there was no way he'd allow anyone to treat him this way. He was
nobody's fool and come to think about it, was nobody's bitch either.

He turned back around with a practiced smile on his face. It hurt even to
pretend to keep up the facade, "I'm better now," he lied smoothly.

"The antibiotics and painkillers should do the trick," he continued when
Leo didn't respond. He watched Leo's hands gracefully slide the cigarette
between his fingers. He was refusing to meet Shane's eyes, choosing instead
to stare at the near empty bowl of fruit on the island between them.

Shane glanced at it. There was a lone banana in the glass bowl; it's
formerly yellow peel was now black and bursting with soft decaying
flesh. Shane briefly wondered what Leo saw as he stared at it so
intently. Shane knew what he saw in the rotten banana, he saw his life,
once vibrant and now gone to shit.

He glanced up at Leo, undeterred by his silence, and asked, "You came in
from this Vegas morning, so where are you off to next? Phoenix or was it
Houston?"

Leo examined the cigarette in his hand with a slight cock of his head. He
licked his lips and then took a deep drag before reaching for the fruit
bowl. He ground out the half-smoked stick in the glass dish with slow and
precise movements.

When he chose to respond finally, his dark eyes were hooded and thoughtful,
"Utah," he said. Clearing his throat loudly, he said again, "Utah, that's
where the tour's headed next."

Shane kept up his bright smile and continued speaking, even though it hurt
to use his vocal cords, "Utah? That's great. You know, uh, I really
shouldn't keep you. I imagine you've got lots to do; your band needs you,
the fans... hell, everyone needs you."

But me, he added inwardly. His fingers were trembling. He clenched them
together to hide their treacherous movements. "You should go," he nodded
encouragingly. "Thanks for coming... and for bringing in the doctor -- I,
uh, I appreciate your help."

Leo crossed his arms across his chest and asked with barely disguised
incredulity, "So you're all set now?"

Shane swallowed, ignoring the pain, he responded, "Yeah, I'm good. You
should go now. I'll call you on the road to... ah... catch up."

Leo watched him for a second, and then a serene expression replaced the
incredulous look he'd had previously. "You're right," he agreed readily. "I
should go. You don't need me."

Shane assured himself that what he was feeling, at that very moment Leo
consented to leave, was relief. The blinding pain he felt was his bruised
throat and nothing else. The pain had nothing to do with Leo wanting to
leave him. He was, in fact, quite glad that Leo wasn't putting up a
fight. It was what he'd expected, after all.

He could still do this, how could he have doubted his instincts. He could
still anticipate what Leo would do, could still read Leo easily. There was
nothing new here. He was just like the others.

Resolved, he took a step forward, and swayed uncertainly. He gripped the
cool marble on the island before him just in time, and steadied himself
once more.

Leo didn't make any attempt to help him. Shane told himself, once more,
that this was a good thing. He didn't need Leo's help.

When he was sure that he could walk steadily, he released his tight grip on
the island and stepped away slowly. He hesitated, wondering whether or not
to go to Leo. How did one end something like this, he wondered... with a
hug, a kiss or a handshake? Would it be odd to just walk away?

One glance at Leo, who was looking anywhere but at him, made up his mind
quite easily.

He pushed back the rising tide of pain that threatened to overwhelm him and
said with calmness that he did not feel inwardly, "I'm going to take a nap
now. Do me a favor and let yourself."

Although his feet dragged heavy with each step he took away from Leo, he
kept walking away determinedly. He resisted the sudden wave of doubt that
crashed upon him, but couldn't keep away the nagging thought that perhaps,
he'd just waged a battle with himself, and lost.




**************




A loud noise awoke him suddenly. His eyes shot open to find the source.

Leo.

It took a few seconds for his eyes to adjust to the hazy light streaming in
the room from the blinds Leo had just pulled open.

He tried to speak, but all that came out was a low croak. It seemed that
not using his vocal cords, over the past couple of hours he'd been asleep,
had shut down his voice box again.

He tried to lift his head off the pillow, but fell back faint and dizzy.

He watched, mutely, as Leo approached him. He settled down on the bed next
to him and produced a tall glass filled with a thick pink liquid.

"I've got a fruit and protein shake here," he said in a friendly tone, as
though they were resuming a previous lighthearted conversation. "You need
to get something in you. It's probably been about 24 hours since you last
ate... I know you've got to stick to liquids but ice cream really isn't
going to provide the nutrition you need to get through this."

Shane struggled into a sitting position. He stacked a couple of pillows
behind his back to provide some support. Percocet, as prescribed by
Dr. Osmond, had diminished the pain in his throat to a dull throb but he
now felt incredibly nauseous and drowsy.

On top of that, his world, right now was all topsy-turvy -- up was down and
vice versa.

What in the world was Leo still doing here? He didn't dream asking him to
leave, did he? He certainly hadn't imagined Leo agreeing to leave him, to
go to Utah... right? He knew he wasn't feeling well, but delusions hadn't
been one of the side effects that Dr. Osmond mentioned.

Sighing, Shane wondered if, perhaps, he was still dreaming. He leaned back
against the cushioned headboard and squeezed his eyes shut before opening
them again.

Leo was still there, tall glass in one hand and a spoon in the other. "Open
wide," he said with an amused smirk that made Shane realize that he was
getting a laugh out of his reaction to his presence.

"Open wide, Shane," Leo repeated. "It's this or mushy peas."

Shane licked at his dry lips. His stomach ached with a pang that he
suddenly recognized as hunger. He reached out to take the glass from Leo
but it was withdrawn out of reach.

"Ah, ah, ah," Leo said in a singsong voice. He scooped a spoonful of the
thick shake and offered it to Shane.

Shane sighed. He really couldn't stand being hungry anymore. He leaned
forward and took in the proffered spoon between his parted lips, eyes
focused on Leo.

Leo stared back, watching him intently. The shake was sweet and creamy; it
slid down his throat easily, cooling the sore passage as it went down. He
couldn't help the soft moan that escaped his lips and he was glad that Leo
said nothing about it. The shake tasted of freshly blended strawberries,
blueberries, maybe some kiwi, definitely a little banana, hopefully not the
rotten one he'd seen in the kitchen... and some honey, yum... there was
even some pineapple, and milk, yeah definitely milk... where had Leo gotten
all this food, certainly not his empty refrigerator?

He forced himself not to think; he couldn't make sense of what was
happening anyway. For now, he would just focus on this simple act of
eating.

Leo was attentive in his ministrations. He wouldn't let Shane stop when
about half way through the shake, Shane tried to resist.

"You're on narcotics," he said patiently. "Trust, me, you've got to eat
something substantial."

Soon enough, Shane had consumed the entire glass save for a few
spoonfuls. He felt pleasantly full and leaned back, enjoying the coolness
that still remained in his throat. He breathed in and out softly, ignoring
Leo's presence next to him.

Leo placed the empty glass on the nightstand and settled back against the
bed, He turned his head, giving Shane a faint smile. "Sleep okay?"

Shane nodded. It was actually not a lie, he had slept well. The wonders of
modern medication had helped, and now the food he'd just consumed... he was
feeling better than he'd done in these past few days.

"So did I pass?" Leo asked in a light and airy tone.

Shane turned to look at him with a puzzled expression.

"Your test -- how did do, did I pass?" he continued in a friendly
tone. "Because it was a trick question, right? You were just testing me
when you asked me to leave? Because after everything you and I have been
through, there was no goddamn way you really wanted me to leave - so tell
me; did I pass your test?"

Shane sensed, with sudden clarity, that he might have screwed up in major
way.

"Well, I'd like to think I passed," Leo said, "even if you're grading me on
a curve... I'm still here so what's that in a letter grade... a C plus?
Maybe even a B or is that too much to ask?"

Shane had since decided that Leo's questions must be rhetorical, so he
wisely chose to remain silent.

"See when you asked me to leave, I figured one of two things -- either you
meant it, you absolutely wanted me gone, wanted us over and done
with... but that really didn't make sense. So I considered the
alternative... that you were testing me... that you'd asked me to leave
just to see what I'd do... so I took a chance and stayed."

"Now, here I am asking you how I did," Leo asked, his voice rising
slightly, "if I scored at least, at the fucking 50th percentile of this
sick, sick test you've got going. Because if you didn't mean it, if you
weren't just playing a game with me... well, I'd walk out of here, right
now, and you'd never have to see me or hear from me again."

Shane was taking in little huffs of air through his mouth, now. He found
that he was on the verge of hyperventilating. He wanted Leo to stop... to
stop saying what he was saying, because his heart was breaking, right now,
into a million little of pieces.

Leo continued relentlessly, "You've got to mean it, Shane, when you ask me
to leave. You don't get to walk away from me... not when I'm in this with
you. Not when I'm completely, totally, immersed in this thing with
you... and you don't get to make the decision to end this, not without my
consent."

He turned to look Shane, regarding him calmly, but Shane couldn't bear to
return his gaze.

"Let's get one thing straight," he continued conversationally. "I'm not
letting you go."

Shane could almost swear that he could feel his heart, just broken into a
million pieces, starting to become whole again.

"I did a stupid thing once. I walked away from you. I don't know how many
other ways there are to say this, but I'd say it in a hundred different
languages, write it in a thousand songs if it would only mean something to
you -- I'm sorry."

Shane glanced at him and Leo turned to look him in the eye, holding his
gaze steely, "My heart, my soul is here with you now. You see, there's no
part of me that would rather be anywhere else but here with you."

The tone of Leo's voice had changed too. From the mild and friendly, it had
suddenly taken on a quiet intensity, "I would give you everything that I
am, if I knew without a doubt, that you wouldn't throw it back in my face."

Shane let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. He was
floored; completely and utterly stunned.

"So when you ask me to leave, Shane," Leo spoke again softly. "You've got
to mean it. I'm an open book to you. You know what you mean to me... you've
got to know what you mean to me, otherwise, you wouldn't ask me to fly some
thousand fucking miles overnight to be here with you... You wouldn't ask if
you didn't know what you mean to me."

"You get to sit back like a fucking Sphinx, testing me, a mere
mortal... but you want to know something? I can't play this game with you
anymore... I give up."

Shane inhaled sharply and said with some difficulty, "Leo..."

"No," Leo said flatly, "No more games. You wanted me here. You made me fly
out here to be with you. So here I am, telling you, exactly what I feel for
you, so you goddamn better tell me what it is, you want from me."

Shane found that his hands were trembling again. He didn't try to hide them
this time. He tried to reach for Leo's hand but he couldn't see, not with
the blinding tears clouding his eyes. When he finally did feel Leo's hand
in his grasp, he lifted it up to his lips, and said halting, "I don't want
you... I don't want you to go."

His breath was warm against Leo's palm, "Stay, please, no more games, I
swear, I need you... I need you."

The weight of silence from Leo had Shane fearing suddenly that he'd done
irreparable damage. He pushed away the covers and crossed over to the other
side where Leo sat. Kneeling between Leo's parted thighs; he framed his
hands around Leo's face and breathed out softly, "I'm sorry, for
everything."

He leaned forward and pressed a warm, hard kiss to Leo's lips, "I don't
know why I do what I do." Pulling back, he peered into Leo's eyes, "I do
need you," he whispered.

Leo's stroked the back of Shane's head lightly.  His other hand traced
around Shane's lips, "Say it again," he demanded.

Shane leaned heavily against Leo and wrapped his arms around his lover
neck, "I need you," he breathed warmly into the side of Leo's face.

Leo curled his fingers around Shane's waist, setting him down to sit with
his legs draped over his thighs. He grasped the fleshy globes of Shane's
ass and pulled him in till they rested chest to chest against each
other. "I need you, too," he murmured.

Tightening his grip on Shane, he rested his chin on his shoulder and
whispered into his ear over and over again, "I'm not letting you go."




****************




The next morning, Shane watched with undisguised astonishment as Leo cut up
various fruits with ease to make another shake for him, "Where did you
learn to do all that?" he asked.

Leo smirked, "Detox facility. Two years ago, Paul found this place in the
middle of nowhere, Maine, I think? Well they had this holistic approach to
detox; yoga, meditation, vegan food... your body's a temple and all that
shit? I liked it... part of their therapy was taking classes on nutrition,
and I learned to do stuff like this... I suppose it probably was one of the
better places I rehabbed."

Shane was surprised, this marked the first time that Leo was freely
volunteering information about his past substance abuse and rehab issues.

After their breakthrough of sorts last night, they'd stayed holding each
other for hours, not quite speaking, just touching, occasionally kissing
and murmuring words of endearments to each other. Eventually, he'd taken
another dose of pain relievers and fallen asleep again.

"So I kept up with some of what I learned... not everything, of course," He
winked at Shane as he reached for his ever present pack of cigarettes.

"So," Shane smiled, "I take it your body isn't a temple?"

Leo shrugged, "Mine isn't, but yours..." He studied Shane carefully, his
gaze slowly moving up and down, lingering on the blonde's relaxed pose in
front of him.

"I'd worship at your temple, anytime." he said, letting his voice get
slightly husky

Shane laughed and looked away self-consciously. They'd been keeping their
banter light and humorous, staying away from any serious topics. Leo's
perusal of him brought it all rushing back -- the way they'd been before -
all heat and passion.

It blew him away that Leo wanted him. For one thing, it was six-thirty in
the morning. His hair was a mess and he was wearing sweatpants and a baggy
tee. His bruised neck looked a little better, but was now varying shades of
yellow and purple.

Despite everything, Leo still wanted him. His toes curved against the cool
tiled floor beneath his feet as he felt his half-dead ego swelling with
pride that he still had it.





*******************




In the bathroom, Shane leaned back against the mirror, perched on the edge
of the expansive countertop. He watched Leo, through the frosted glass
separating them, as he rinsed himself under the loud gushing water.

Coughing loudly to get Leo's attention, he said, "So I just talked to my
producers at work; I'm cleared for a month-long leave of absence."

Leo went still in the shower, "Oh, that's great!" he said.

"Yes," Shane said. "Yes, it is."

Leo yanked the shower door open. There was something wrong, but he couldn't
put his finger on it, so he probed, "It is good news, right? You get to
stay home, rest, no one finds out..."

"Sure," Shane replied after some hesitation. "It's just that, well..."'

Leo stepped out, "What's wrong?" he demanded anxiously.

"I don't want to stay home," Shane said.

Leo sighed, "No offense, Shane, but you sound like a frog with a very bad
sore throat. You can't go back to work like this..."

"No," Shane cut in quickly, "I don't want to go back to work, not right
now, anyway. He paused, considering his words carefully, "It's just the
last time you were here, well the roses you sent... I thought... maybe you
wouldn't mind me..."

Leo's grip went slack and the towel slid out his hand. Was Shane asking him
what he thought he was?

He cocked his head to the side, eyes narrowed at Shane and urged, "And..."

Shane ducked his head shyly. He was fighting every instinct in himself to
hold back.  It was all new to him - being vulnerable -- showing Leo that he
was not, in fact, self-sufficient and that he did actually need
something. His fear of judgment and rejection had kept firmly behind the
walls of his very comfortable box, but right now, Leo was forcing him to
breach the walls.

Leo approached him thoughtfully. He placed his hands on both sides of the
countertop, trapping Shane in between, and leaned forward until their
foreheads were touching.

"Imagine you and me..." he began softly, his breath coming out warm against
Shane's lips. "Imagine you and me doing this thing. No fear, no games, no
tests. Just you and me discovering each other... like we're starting over."

Shane let his mouth fall open, and Leo licked into it. His tongue skimmed
past Shane's lower lip, grazed his teeth and then slid over his tongue. It
was a long, slow, dizzying kiss, and Shane eventually felt the need for
oxygen so he pulled back.

"You're taking my breath away," he murmured.

Leo chuckled, "Literally?"

Shane rolled his eyes and rested his forehead on Leo's shoulder.

"You had something to ask me?" Leo said as he ran his hands up and down
Shane's bare back. While he'd been in the shower, he'd assumed Shane had
left to go change but it seemed he'd just sat here, naked and waiting for
him.

He brought his palm up, tracing the nape of Shane's neck. Pulling back
slightly, Shane was forced to look at him and he stared back with a
questioning brow, "Well..."

Shane spoke quickly, his words tumbling over each other, "I want to come
along with you on tour, over the next month or so. I've got nothing else to
do... and if you don't mind I'd like to tag along. It's okay if you've
changed your mind..."

Leo cut Shane off by gently palming his cheek, "You only had to ask,"
before crushing their mouths together.

They were touching from chest to waist, and it felt wonderful, but Shane
wanted more. He broke the kiss and backed away for a second to pull his
legs up on the countertop. He'd stayed naked for a reason.

"Shane," Leo's voice was rough.

"Don't treat me like a fucking victim," Shane replied, his voice hoarse
with need. "I need you, not just here with me... I want to feel you
inside... you have no idea how horny I've been since..."

Leo laughed loudly, "Me too. I've been so fucking horny, you wouldn't
believe..."

"Yeah," Shane said desperately, "yeah, later... you can tell me later, but
now..."

He leaned down to reach into the drawer beneath them where he'd tucked away
the lube. He handed it to Leo and leaned back, stretching his legs out and
parting them widely.

Leo, handling the bottle clumsily, asked, "Are you sure we shouldn't head
to the bedro..." His words were cut off abruptly when he looked up to find
Shane spread out and open for him on the countertop.

He palmed his already hard cock with lube, wet and slippery in his hand. He
moved quickly, pulling Shane roughly by his thighs then reached down to
insert one finger into his hole.

Was it weird, Leo wondered, that he was gratified to find Shane's hole
puckered close and tight? It barely yielded to accommodate one of his
fingers. He pushed in deeper, and then added a second one after a little
while.

Their faces were barely inches apart, and every husky breath that he
exhaled was inhaled by Shane. He pulled out both fingers, squeezed on some
more lube, then pushed back into the Shane's dark hole.

Shane panted heavily, but Leo kept pushing in, squirming and wriggling his
fingers until they pushed in and out easily. He glanced down between them,
Shane's asshole looked pink and dusky, glistening with lube and stretched
tightly around his fingers.

Leo didn't think he'd ever been more turned on in his life. Shane watched
him, his hooded eyes wide, bright and even more blue than usual. His lips
were wet and swollen and he kept biting down, turning them a dark cherry
red. Leo couldn't resist. He angled forward just a little bit and snagged
Shane's bottom lip between his. He sucked on it hard, at the same time
keeping up the scissoring motion of his two fingers still inside Shane.

"Leo..." Shane whimpered.

He opened up Shane deeper with his fingers and growled, "I fucking love the
way you say my name."

He knew his cock was leaking furiously, knew he couldn't handle too much
more of his, but he fucking loved doing this, loved the heat clenching
around him as fucked Shane with his fingers.

A breathy moan from his lover reminded him that he needed to hurry this
up. He pulled out both his fingers from inside Shane, and then reached
behind to palm the soft roundness of Shane's ass cheeks, sliding him closer
to the edge of the countertop. Hooking Shane's legs around his midsection
with one hand, his used his other hand to line the tip of his cock to
Shane's hole. He was gentle, pushing in slowly; the heat of Shane's body
pulsing around him was incredibly intimate. He paused after he was fully
sheathed until Shane gave him the okay to move.

Shane was leaning back, supporting his weight with his hands pressed firmly
on the countertop and his legs hooked tight around Leo. His hair rubbed
against the mirror behind him, squeaking loudly due to the fog they'd
created in the bathroom.

He noticed Leo's eyes glance at their reflection in the mirror. He wondered
if Leo saw himself the way Shane saw him -- beautiful, his dark hair
falling loosely over his face, sweat dripping down his forehead onto his
chest and nipples. He felt Leo's warm hands clench his ass cheeks tighter
and part them wider as soon as he gave the go ahead to move.

Leo moved slowly at first, hips rolling forward gently. Then Shane let his
head fall back and coaxed his muscles into action, working himself up and
down Leo's thick length. Leo got the message. He sped up his rhythm,
rocking in and out of Shane with quick shallow thrusts then he slowed down
again, getting in balls deep, his cock nestled so tight, that the only way
to go was back out.

"Fuck, yeah," Shane moaned, "Do it, yeah, just like that."

Leo watched their reflection in the mirror; Shane's spine stretched out
tightly before him and his fingers, dark against the pale skin of Shane's
butt. He used his fingertips to part Shane's ass cheeks apart, and then he
lifted him, an inch or two, off the countertop. He grazed his fingers
across the sensitive crease of Shane's ass, feeling the tender ring of
muscle, stretched tight to accommodate his cock.

Shane shivered at the additional sensation of Leo's fingers rubbing around
his asshole. When Leo's cock brushed for the first time against his
prostate, a loud groan escaped his lips. He rolled his hips encouragingly
and Leo did it again, hit the spot, again and again. Rutting hard and fast,
over and over. Shane's ass flexed involuntarily; he couldn't control the
spasms that erupted within him with each press of Leo against his
prostate. He was almost there.

He grasped for purchase on the countertop. His legs were hanging loose
around Leo now, and Leo's tight grip on his ass cheeks, his cock deep in
his hole, was the only leverage he had. He whimpered, overwhelmed with the
sensation of Leo's forceful thrusts into him. He felt blindly for his cock,
wanting to palm the hard, weeping member to completion, but Leo pushed his
hand away. He grasped Shane's cock and pulled it, jerking it rough and
fast, in tune to the steady pistoning of his hips.

Shane came hard and fast, with Leo's palm fisting him through it all, his
cum splashed wildly over their chests and his gasps came out short and
breathy.

Leo didn't miss a beat. He kept moving, fucking Shane through his orgasm in
pursuit of his own release. Shane's legs remained draped around him,
loosely pliant and watching Leo through heavy lidded eyes as Leo worked his
ass up and down his cock. Leo pressed into him hard, one last time, as his
dick pulsed with cum. He gripped Shane's ass cheeks tighter, pulling him in
for more, and although he knew it would bruise later, he decided it would
be worth it. He rode his orgasm, shuddering violently in his release, until
so much cum was dripping out of Shane's ass onto his thighs.

"Fuck," He said, before sliding down onto Shane's sweat slicked body.





***************




A few hours later, they are at the airport. They don't walk together; JFK
airport has such a large and constant paparazzi presence that they don't
think twice when Jake urges Leo to keep his hands off Shane and try to walk
at least a dozen steps ahead of him.

Leo gets waylaid by fans, and Shane sidesteps him easily. He
self-consciously tugs the thick scarf tightly around his neck. In times
like this, he is quite grateful to be the minor celebrity that he is. He's
never been descended on like that; a few autographs here and there for
housewives, teen girls and gay fans are all he ever really has to suffer.

He makes his way through security easily; it takes a good half hour before
Leo and Jake finally join him on the tarmac.

It's a good reminder, he thinks, to see Leo in his element. He forgets
often that Leo is the Leo Malone; rock god and sex symbol extraordinaire.

"What?" Leo asks curiously, he'd just noticed Shane staring at him. They
were climbing up the stairs to the plane.

Shane shrugged. "Sometimes, I forget who you really are, that's all."

Leo stopped climbing for a second on hearing Shane's response then resumed
abruptly. At the top of the stairs, he held a hand out to Shane to help him
up, "They're the ones who forget who I really am, not you."

Once seated, Leo starts fussing over Shane, and he tolerates it good
naturedly for maybe the first ten minutes until he can't anymore. He
banishes Leo to the seat across him a stern warning.

"I would've said something if you were too rough, okay," he whispered.

"Are you sure?" Leo asked anxiously, "I just want to make sure I didn't get
carried away. You're not in the best shape, and I'm sorry if I..."

"Oh God," Shane exclaimed as loud as his hoarse voice allowed, "Shut up!
Are you going to keep at it all day? We're stuck on this thing for the next
seven hours. Don't make me use my iPod. I swear I've got it loaded with
every single Celine Dion song in existence... that's like 25 hours of
music."

Leo stared at him in horror. "Fine, I'll stop. I'd hate to subject you to
that kind of punishment."

Shane grinned cheerfully, "One day, you will come to understand and
appreciate the genius that is Celine..."

Now it was Leo's turn to groan loudly, "I'll stop, okay? I swear each time
you say her name, I start to lose some of my rock and roll cred."

Shane exhaled with a low laugh and leaned back into the plush seats, "I'm
okay," he reassured firmly. "My ass is okay."

Leo grinned wryly, "Could you say that louder, please? I don't think the
pilots up front heard you."

Shane rolled his eyes and settled back to look out the window. It had been
a great day so far. The sunshine and bright blue skies outside only helped
to improve his mood. Best of all, he'd finally cured the fucking itch and
made love to Leo... life was good.

All he could hear was the soft whirring of the jet's engine and he felt
himself being lulled gently to sleep.

"Hey, Shane?" Leo called out.

He cracked his eyes open to look at his lover curiously, "What's up?" he
asked tiredly.

"What happened to your stuff at the apartment; you know, your furniture and
shit... where did they go?"

Shane blinked and thought with a sigh that he'd jinxed it. Just when he'd
thought the day was going well, Leo had to go and ask him inadvertently
about Drew.



To be continued...



Author's note: I wavered between calling this chapter "The Deconstruction
of Shane Roderick" or "Imagine You and Me." I liked both for very different
reasons - the first sorta describes Shane coming full circle to face his
demons (real or perceived!) while the second is an optimistic allusion to
Leo/Shane and what could be... sigh, I couldn't make up my mind so I went
with both.

I've had lots of discussions with readers about Leo's character arc, but
considerably fewer about Shane's. What gives?! I hope this chapter sheds
some light on the inner workings of Shane's mind... I wonder, who's more
complicated, Shane or Leo?

And, dare I say it, only two more chapters to go. Let me know your
thoughts; I think this may be my favorite chapter yet!

jayse@mindless.com