Date: Sun, 18 Jul 2010 10:27:11 -0400
From: jayse@mindless.com
Subject: Up Close and Personal - Chapter 14

Chapter 14:



Thirty Days of Night



Shane had already delayed this too long. He couldn't think of any thing
else to do but talk. He clutched the icy cold glass tightly in his clasped
hands, wishing for a second that he was anywhere but here. He recalled the
past few minutes and wondered if he could've done anything differently.

He'd begun by declaring how thirsty he was, prompting Leo to call for the
flight attendant who presented a variety of beverages to him. He asked for
the one thing she hadn't offered - lemonade. It was a no-brainer that she
would return with the gross bottled stuff which he planned to reject and
ask for something else.

Unfortunately for him, she'd returned only a few minutes later, with a tall
pitcher filled with ice cold, freshly made lemonade.

So how the hell was he supposed to know she'd be back with the real thing?
Who did she have back there in the kitchen, a lemonade-making elf?

Sighing, he'd asked for sugar, because the lemonade wasn't sweet enough
– when really, it was. The attendant brought him sugar and just about
every other kind of sweetener he could think of.

He knew he was being bratty; he couldn't help it.

He tore open a packet of sugar slowly, tipped about a quarter of its
contents into the glass, stirred deliberately and then took a small sip. He
repeated his actions several times; tipping in some more sugar, stirring
and then sipping again until he'd gone through five packets of sugar.

Finally he settled back and began sipping the drink. The really annoying
thing about this was he didn't like lemonade. He detested every ounce of
the pale yellow, tart, liquid but considering the fuss he'd made, he felt
compelled to drink the entire stupid thing.

"Shane, stop stalling." Leo said as he leaned over and took the glass out
of Shane's loose grip. He sipped, wincing when he tasted the overly sweet
flavor, "Ugh - that's disgusting."

"I'm not stalling," Shane protested weakly, although inwardly relieved that
he didn't have to drink the lemonade anymore.

Leo snorted, "Sure, you're not." He pushed the glass away and stared at
Shane.

Shane groaned loudly. He leaned forward and covered his face with both
hands, "How about this - I'm physically, mentally and emotionally incapable
of getting into this right now?"

"No, you're not." Leo replied.

Rubbing his suddenly sweaty palms on his thighs, Shane tried to ignore the
sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach.

"I gave my stuff away," he said quickly, before he lost his nerve. "I gave
my stuff to my ex-boyfriend. It's over, we're over. I'd been with him
before I met you, and we'd been together three years, but we broke
up... no, I broke it off... and I felt so bad I gave him stuff... which
makes me sound really pathetic, like I was paying him off or something, but
I wasn't. He was moving to a new place and it just made sense, really, to
give him the things he'd wanted. I paid for them, but they were never
really mine, they were all his taste, and besides, the memories... I just
didn't want those memories any more. I don't know if that makes me guilty
or pathetic but I just... fuck... what am I saying...?"

Leo was quiet for a few moments, processing the rush of words from Shane.

"Drew?" he asked quietly.

Shane nodded automatically then paused, studying Leo with a sudden
intensity that wasn't there a second ago, "Wait, what?"

"Your ex - it's Drew, right?" Leo repeated.

"You're not psychic." Shane said sharply. "How do you know his name?"

Leo shrugged nonchalantly.

Shane asked more insistently, "How do you know Drew?"

Leo smiled, "Lucky guess..."

"Not funny," Shane snapped. "Tell me, how do you..." He paused because his
hoarse voice had given way to a whisper. He took a deep breath and tried
again, "How do you know about Drew?"

Shit, Leo thought, he didn't want to talk about Drew. He took hold of the
bottle of water on the table before them and began peeling away at its
label. This wasn't the way the conversation was supposed to go – he'd
simply been curious about Shane's missing furniture and now their former
light banter had given way to a confessional of sorts.

The realization that Shane had given his things to Drew, that it was an
ex-boyfriend occupying Shane's mind over the last few days, was sort of
pissing him off... especially since the fucker was stupid enough to let
Shane walk away.

He was the one who was here, right now, with Shane. He was the only one who
should have been on Shane's mind. No one, but him, deserved to occupy
Shane's thoughts.

"I called your place once," he admitted coolly. "Drew answered the phone,
identified himself as your boyfriend and I hung up - that's all there is to
it."

"That's it?" Shane demanded in a tone that was anything but calm.

Leo shrugged defensively, "What?"

"That's it? You called my place, Drew answered, and that's it? You never
thought to ask me?"

"Ask you about your boyfriend, are you kidding me?" Leo asked, with barely
disguised astonishment.

"So you didn't care that I was seeing..." Shane exclaim.

"What the hell, Shane? I'm not the one who was seeing two guys at the same
time. That's your problem, not mine. It didn't seem to be an issue for
you... why would I bring it up? And what would I have asked you, anyway?
Why you acted like you were single even though you knew I'd left Joni for
you?"

"Yes, yes, yes," Shane cried out. He winced at the sudden onslaught of pain
that shot through his throat. He had to keep his voice down; his vocal
cords still couldn't handle the strain.

He continued again in a lower tone, "You should have said something... Oh
my God, do you have any idea how much this has been weighing on me? Feeling
like I deceived you and Drew; feeling like I cheated on both of you at the
same time? You knew all along... you already fucking knew! When did you
find out? When did you call?"

It was Leo's turn to stall. He tore off the bottle label and began tearing
it to pieces before responding dismissively, "It's been a while..."

Shane insisted, "When, Leo? You're not getting off that easy."

Leo shrugged, "Sorry, I don't quite remember."

Shane sighed, "I don't understand why you wouldn't care that I was with
Drew..."

"I cared, but what was I supposed to do?" Leo asked insistently. "I'd made
my decision to leave Joni for you. I thought it was only fair, to give you
the space to do the same. I didn't want to pressure you... And I didn't
think I had the right to ask anything of you, not after leaving you the way
I did that night. Look, the bottom line is, I didn't care if I had to share
you..."

"Share me?" Shane asked with disbelief. "What am I? A piece of meat that
you had to share with Drew?"

"No, I didn't mean it that way," Leo tried to explain. He was aware that if
he continued talking, he would be simply getting his foot stuck deeper and
deeper in his mouth, but he couldn't stop.

"I just wasn't going to let anyone, including this Drew person, stand in my
way. When I came to your place after seeing you at the restaurant, I
thought you'd turn me away, but you let me in. I figured, maybe Drew wasn't
in the picture anymore. Fuck, what do you want me to say? You never said
anything about him? Why would I bring him up? I wasn't going to make you
choose, because, honestly, I was too fucking scared that you wouldn't
choose me."

Shane opened his mouth but snapped it shut when Leo cut him off, "Tell me,
if I'd asked you to pick – would you? Would you have chosen me over
Drew?"

Shane swallowed hard. This wasn't fair. Leo had no right to ask him
that. He said nothing.

Leo nodded. "I'll take that as a no," he said flatly.

Silence stretched on for a while until Leo spoke up again, "I don't get
it. Why am I the one trying to explain, like I did something wrong? I
didn't cheat on you. I haven't done anything wrong? Why am I... fuck! I
don't get it... what am I trying to explain myself to you?"

Shane laid his hands flat on the table. With his fingers, he flicked one of
the empty sugar packets across the table and wondered why this all seemed
familiar to him. He thought back to his last meeting with Drew, they'd been
sitting at the table in the cafe and he'd been flicking sugar packets then,
too.

Leo realize, while watching Shane's body language that for all intents and
purposes, Shane was no longer there. His eyes were cloudy, and his fingers
– slow and repetitive in their movements.

Leo knew he was losing him.

He placed his hands over Shane's hands, stopping the movement and forcing
Shane to look at him in the eye. He was determined to stop Shane from going
to that place he always did, a thousand miles away, where he would brood,
invent and construct all kinds of thoughts that would prevent them from
communicating.

"Stay with me," he said patiently. "Say something, anything... I'm not
talking to myself, here. You've got let me in to that mind of yours, okay?"

Shane bit down on his lip. He was absolutely floored by the fact that Leo
already knew about Drew. He was stuck, and no matter how he tried, couldn't
move beyond that fact. He said the first thing that came to mind, "When did
you call me? When did you speak to Drew?"

Leo groaned, letting go of Shane's hands and sat back, "I don't remember."

Shane stayed quiet with the hope that Leo would give in. He tried not to
let his frustration show when minutes later, Leo was still sitting back in
silence, arms folded across his chest in a defensive posture. He hated that
Leo was messing with him – there was no way he didn't remember when he'd
called.

"Fine," Shane said, pulling his hands out from Leo's grip.

He stood up and left Leo alone at the table.






******************






The room was long and narrow - Shane realized that even private jets had
certain space limitations. He looked around, taking in the rays of sunshine
streaming brightly through the row of windows directly above the neatly
made bed. The walls were paneled in a glossy mahogany finish and the carpet
was plush beneath his sneaker clad feet. The room was sparsely furnished;
everything had to be bolted to the ground, after all. There was a lamp in
one corner, a desk and chair in another, and a mirrored closet across the
bed.

He wasn't upset, just needed a few moments alone to think this
through... His mind was a little fuzzy, since he was still drugged up on
the pain pills. A few moments alone would help him figure this out.

He walked to the chair settled down behind the desk and tried to do the
math quickly; he'd spent the night with Leo then Drew returned several days
later and then left. So, it seemed that Leo must have called over the
period Drew had been home... but that didn't make any sense, because that
would mean Leo had called... that would mean Leo had called right after
he'd fled the hotel in Los Angeles.

The inference he was coming to was a little settling... had Leo had called
him before they'd even bumped into each other at the restaurant in New
York?

He got up from the chair, lost in thought. There wasn't a lot of space to
walk around in the narrow room, so he sank down on the bed, willing his
racing heart to slow down.

Why wouldn't Leo just tell him when he'd called? He'd been so evasive, it
was obvious that he was trying to hide something – what?

He reflected on the situation again – trying to arrange his memories of
past events sequentially.

If Leo had called while Drew was in his apartment, then it meant that Leo
wanted to be with him before he'd even seen him at the restaurant, and it
would also mean... wait a minute... it would mean Leo wanted him before
he'd tried to kill himself, right?

He thought back to the night he'd been in bed with Drew, bored and trying
to keep himself interested in Drew sucking him off, and then he'd spied the
news report on the television, Leo being rushed to the hospital... Drew had
left him the following night when he'd blurted out that he loved Leo.

It hit him all at once. Sudden and heavy – that Leo's reluctance to
admit when exactly he'd called was because it was all connected.

Drew, the phone call, Leo's suicide attempt. Holy shit, it was all
connected!

He was jolted out of his thoughts by the sudden sound of Leo's voice, "Are
you mad at me for calling?"

Shane looked up and watched Leo at the door. His brown eyes were lacking
their usual sparkle and his brows were furrowed with worry. "Do you think
my call screwed things up for you and Drew?" he demanded again.

It felt odd, Shane thought, to be in this position of power. It used to be
him doing the pursuing, the begging and the waiting when he'd been with
Drew.

He thought about how even at the worst times with Drew, he'd never
considered ending his life and yet, Leo had almost done it.

It overwhelmed him to realize that he wielded so much power over another
human; that just one word, one mistake could drive Leo to do something
incredibly stupid.

He's been come so close to losing Leo without realizing it.  He blinked,
watching Leo was still standing by the door. He hadn't stepped into the
room, as though to give him some space – Shane didn't like that.

He didn't want to do to Leo, what Drew did to him.

"Come here," he said.

Leo quirked an eyebrow at him and Shane repeated, "Shut the door and come
here."

The carpeted floor muffled Leo's steps as he approached. He seemed
uncertain, standing in front of Leo with his hands uncomfortably stiff at
his sides. Shane pushed back from the wall, lying against the pillows
instead, before stretching out both hands to Leo in an open embrace.

Shane felt Leo bend stiffly into his arms. He tugged and pulled him until
Leo was settled heavily on top of him. Then he leaned forward and rubbed
his nose against Leo's, his breath fell warmly on his lips, "I'm not upset
about Drew. I didn't have some grand romance with him and your call didn't
make a difference."

"Believe me; we were anything but a fairy tale," he continued. "We should
have been over a long time ago; I just didn't have the balls to end
it. Knowing that you'd called me... finding out that you'd tried to reach
out to me... it just threw me off guard, that's all. I wish you'd said
something, that you knew about Drew... it would have made things so much
easier, but then again, you're right. If you'd asked me, then, to choose, I
wouldn't have chosen you and I'm glad... I'm glad you didn't ask."

Leo considered Shane's words, at once relieved and uncertain at the same
time. Relieved that Shane obviously had no regrets about Drew but brimming
with discomfort that this third party, Drew, had come between him and
Shane.

Shane watched him closely, "You shouldn't be jealous, you know?"

"Why?" Leo asked skeptically. "Tell me why you the mere mention of your ex
shouldn't make me as jealous as a green eyed monster?"

Shane sighed. He pushed a lock of Leo's wavy black hair out his eyes and
tucked it behind his ears, "For one thing, I love your brown eyes, and I
just can't imagine you with green – and, well, he doesn't mean anything,
trust me."

Leo remained silent and after a few moments, Shane spoke up again, eager to
move past the topic of Drew, "Remember what you said yesterday, to imagine
me and you doing this thing... well, I'm doing it now, so let's not talk
about Drew."

Leo wasn't sure what to make of Shane's changing moods. A moment ago, he'd
seemed angry and now, he was quite serene. He leaned back, lifting his
weight off Shane, "We still need to talk. I don't think..."

Shane grinned, sudden and mischievous. "I'm thinking," he murmured before
tilting his head and placing a wet, open-mouthed kiss on Leo's jaw, "I'm
thinking I'd really like to do dirty things to you..."

Refusing to give in easily, Leo insisted, "We should talk now..."

"Or we can talk later," Shane cut in immediately. He was now armed with the
knowledge that he'd been the cause of Leo's attempted suicide. He couldn't
talk about Drew, not right now.

Not when for the first time, he was starting to understand the extent to
which Leo wanted him.

Right now, he could imagine life without Leo. To think that if Paul had
found him even one second later, they may never have had the chance to
reconnect. He may never have known what it felt to be wanted in this way.

"You didn't..." he said before trailing off.

"What?"

"You didn't try to kill yourself because of me, did you?"

Leo jerked up and looked away. He was flushed bright red and laughed
nervously, "What are you talking about?"

Shane remained unconvinced. He reached out and rested his arms around Leo's
neck, drawing him in once again, "I didn't know, I swear. All this time I
thought meeting in the restroom that day was the first time you'd
reconsidered us."

Leo was uncomfortable, his body taut with tension and his brows, furrowed
in thought. He tried to pull out of Shane's warm grasp around his neck. It
was one thing to admit to Shane that he wanted him. It was another thing
for it to be known that his initial freak out had ended somewhere on the
plane ride to Japan. That he'd always, always wanted Shane.

Shane breathed out against his lips, "I'm not worth it. I hope you know
that I'm not worth your life."

Leo looked at him finally. He was still tense, and Shane's words didn't
seem to have made a difference.

"I'm not worth your life, Leo," Shane repeated. "I'm a mess... I'm
neurotic, insecure... Seriously, I'm no prize..."

Leo fidgeted above him. He licked his lips, choosing his words carefully,
"It was stupid, okay? I'd just left Joni and I was so nervous... scared
shitless but ecstatic that I'd finally figured out what I wanted... then I
called and he said he was your boyfriend...I lost it then... I thought for
sure, this is stupid, but I thought you'd just be there waiting for me and
knowing I'd lost you... it just about killed me. I'm screwed up, too. I
didn't think there was anything left to live for; if I'd lost you... you've
got to understand that I'm just as crazy, and neurotic and insecure as
you."

Shane sighed, brushing his lips against Leo's, "So you think we deserve
each other? You think I'm screwed up enough to deserve you?"

Leo looked at him seriously, "It's like this, we both deserve each other or
we don't. We're just perfectly imperfect together."

Shane smiled, whispering to himself, "Perfectly imperfect together..." He
liked the sound of that. He rested his head against Leo's chest, his hand
creeping beneath Leo's t-shirt to stroke his warm skin.

After a long moment of silence, Shane said in a quiet but serious tone,
"You should know that if I lost you..." he paused, "I would be devastated."

Leo stared down into his wide, blue eyes quietly, looking for any signs of
pretense, but he found none.

"I know," he said before leaning down to kiss Shane again.

The kiss was soft and hot at first, but got deeper with every passing
second. As his tongue sought entry into Shane's warm mouth, he curled his
feet around his lover's ankles and pinning him to the bed. His hands came
up, angling Shane's face to just the right position, so that every lick,
every movement of his mouth, and every thrust of his tongue was perfectly
placed. Shane kissed him back greedily, his chest heaving underneath Leo
with every breath he took.

Leo reached down between them, palming Shane's cock which was jutting up
against the seams of his pants.

At Shane's barely stifled moan, he cocked his head, "You want me?" he asked
playfully, lifting his hand so there was less pressure on Shane's erection.

Shane smirked before bucking his naked hips once again to push his cock
into Leo's palm. "I always fucking want you," he reassured.

Leo didn't reply; he was too busy unbuttoning and Shane's pants and pushing
down his boxer-briefs down narrow hips.

The heat in Shane's belly rose as his cock thickened between his legs. His
breath hitched when he realized that Leo was crawling down to spread his
legs apart.

He gulped hard when Leo gripped his thick length by the root and nuzzled it
against his lips.

Leo took Shane deep into his mouth, smiling at the loud moan his lover
emitted. He sucked lewdly while his hands gently massaged Shane's balls at
the same time. Leaning back, he let the heavy cock slip out of his mouth
and gripped it again by the root.

Licking a hot, slippery line along the underside of Shane's cock, he
murmured, "I'm a cocksucker and I fucking love it," he murmured.

"What?" Shane groaned out distractedly.

"Cocksucker," he said, eyeing Shane who was sprawled loosely on the
bed. "I've been called a cocksucker... and not in a good way, at least a
couple hundred times, and now, imagine if someone says to me – `Leo, you
fucking cocksucker', I could be like, `hey thanks, that's a compliment.'"

Shane's laugh came out loud and ragged, in between gasping breaths, "Are
you," he started then paused to flex his hips in an effort to move his cock
closer to Leo's mouth, "Are you trying to kill me?"

It was like torture, he thought. He wanted his cock in Leo's mouth now.

Leo smiled then stuck his tongue out, allowing Shane to brush the underside
of his cock on the tip. Shane was leaking now, and Leo tongued his slit
allowing a long sticky thread of precum trail from the tip of his tongue to
Shane's cock.

"Kill you?" he asked, letting his tongue slip back in his mouth so that the
trail of precum broke and splashed on his chin, wet and obscene, "No, baby,
I'm just trying to suck your cock."

With that, he swallowed Shane whole, from root to tip so that Shane jerked
frantically, scrambling for leverage as he leaned forward to grip Leo's
dark head to try to push even deeper into his mouth.

Shane thought that if it could be like this always, Leo's head bobbing like
this between his hips and his lips wrapped tight around his cock, he'd
never doubt him again.

"You're a fucking cocksucker," he moaned as Leo pulled back, letting Shane
slip out his throat.

"Thanks, that's a compliment," Leo grinned, his lips wet and shiny with
spit before going back in and sucking Shane again.

Leo sucked cock like he did everything else; sincere, enthusiastic and
complete invested in his actions. His cheeks were hollowed and Shane could
see the shape of cock, prominently digging into the side of Leo's mouth. He
fucked his cock in varying thrusts into Leo's mouth, short and shallow,
then long and deep.

Leo lifted his eyes, watching Shane lose control was awesome. He was never
like this – he was always thoughtful, usually tense and sometimes
calculating, but he was never free and loose as he appeared now.

Fuck, Leo thought, he'd suck Shane's cock every second of everyday if it
meant he'd get to see him desperate and scrabbling on the bed like
ragdoll. He smirked when he heard Shane's breathless whisper of his name,
"Leo...fuck, Leo..."

He didn't pull back nor reduce the pressure of his suction; swallowing the
bursts of cum that Shane was pumping out. He watched Shane's hips roll
helplessly and only pulled back when he felt his throat constricting with
exertion.

For a few more seconds, pearly fluid splashed on his chin and chest when he
let Shane's cock slip out. He watched Shane lay back boneless and drained,
cock spurting cum and pleased that he was the one who'd done that for him.

He crawled back up Shane's body and covered his mouth in a sloppy,
open-mouthed kiss. He wanted Shane to taste himself on his tongue.

"Wow," Shane murmured.

Leo smiled into the kiss asking, "Am I a cocksucker or am I a cocksucker?"

"You're a cocksucker," Shane affirmed softly, nuzzling Leo's jaw. "I'd
return the favor,' he whispered into Leo's ear, "but I don't think my
throat would cooperate."

They lay back in silence, wrapped around each other, as Shane's breath
gradually returned to normal.

After a few moments, Shane reached down between them to slip a hand beneath
Leo's jeans. He found that Leo had foregone underwear, "I do have some lube
in my suitcase, if you're interested...?"

Leo exhaled into Shane's neck, and thought, lube, he should get lube... but
that would require him actually letting go of Shane and leaving the bed.
And then, he thinks of Shane's ass clenching tightly around his cock... and
bounds off the bed quickly in search of Shane's suitcase. He tossed
everything aside until he found the small bottle tucked in the corner.

He whirled around to find that Shane was kneeling on all fours. His spine
was curved elegantly and he rested his head on his folded arms.

As he approached, he watched Shane insert his index finger in his mouth,
wet it with saliva and then reached behind him to trail it in the crease of
his ass hole. He stood there, transfixed as Shane fingered himself,
stabbing his moist finger deeper and deeper into himself.

Leo unzipped his jeans, wet his hand with lube and began jerking
himself. He imagined that he could watch Shane do this all day long.

"Fuck", he groaned as he pulled his cock raggedly. Shane's wrists flexed as
he penetrated himself deeper, his knuckles were prominent as thr finger
disappeared inside his hole.

He looked back to find his lover there, watching him. He smiled, "Like what
you see?"

Leo nodded as he walked forward, still dragging his hand sticky and wet, up
and down his shaft. He climbed onto the bed, settling quickly behind
Shane. He replaced Shane's finger with one of his lubed ones, opening him
up speedily with two and then three fingers.

Aiming his penis directly at Shane's pink tinged hole, he brushed his
target lightly making Shane gasp, "Yeah, do it."

He pushed forward again, letting his cock catch on the rim and watching
Shane squirm as he leaned back to try to catch Leo's cock in his
hole. Giving in finally, he clutched Shane's hip to hold him still with one
hand, and with the other, he guided his cock home.  He went in gradually
with shallow thrusts, until he was completely sheathed. Then he pulled out
and went in again, rotating his hips in a circular motion.

He kept his movements slow and deliberate, pausing for a moment to trail a
finger along the nape of Shane's neck then press a kiss to the warm sweaty
skin.

"Don't stop," he heard Shane urge breathlessly.

Smirking, Leo responded sharply, "You'd better hold on." He thrust out
abruptly, and then slammed back in, in rough and deep as pressed his thumbs
into Shane's ass cheeks to haul him closer to him. He saw Shane's spine
straining as he rocked back to take more from him. He heard Shane moan and
felt him push back for more. He kept up the rhythm, dragging his lover in
tune to his thrusts and watching his dick disappear and reappear with every
push inside Shane.

His thrusts eventually lost their smoothness and rhythm. He felt Shane
shake under him, breathless in his orgasm while jerking his cock roughly
with one hand supporting himself on the bed with the other.  He knew he was
getting closer; his balls were pulling up tight and the muscles in his back
and thighs were clenching.

"C'mon," he panted to Shane. "Get me there, fucking do it."

Shane clenched his ass muscles tighter, and Leo groaned as the increased
friction finally brought him over the edge. He felt like he was never going
to stop shooting, pulling out after a few moments to watch the thick globs
spurt out all over Shane's ass.

He fell forward on to Shane who lay there boneless under him. Still wrapped
up in each other, they breathed in and out together in the stillness of the
room.

Shane bucked up after a few moments, "Get off," he murmured. Leo complied,
albeit slowly; he was so fucked out he could barely move himself. He
watched Shane roll out under him, his movements still slow and clumsy, as
he disappeared into the bathroom.

After a few minutes, he reappeared again, and Leo shifted on the bed,
avoiding the various wet spots, to welcome Shane back into his arms.

"Are you..." he began to ask.

"It's alright... you gave me just what I need," Shane cut in, his voice,
soft and reassuring.

Leo pressed a kiss to his lover's cheek, pulling him closer as he drifted
off to sleep.

"Hey," Shane said after a few moments. "You awake?"

Leo was silent at first, and then murmured reluctantly, "No, talking in my
sleep."

Shane sighed, "We still need to talk."

"Yeah..." Leo said, willing himself to at least pretend to be enthused at
Shane's words.

"We'll talk later, okay? After your show, we'll talk..."

"Shane, we've got thirty days... I'm sure we'll make time to talk," Leo
responded drowsily with barely disguised relief.

Shane watched his lover sleep. The anxious knot in his stomach that had
dissolved once they'd began making love started to form again.

They did have thirty days... it couldn't be so hard to find an appropriate
moment to talk.






******************






A raging thunderstorm in the Salt Lake City area resulted in a turbulent
descent towards the airport and a very bumpy landing.

It was dark and rainy and the chauffeurs who awaited their arrival on the
airstrip had large black umbrellas in hand. Leo would be heading to the
concert arena for a quick sound check session followed by a local TV
station interview and then back to the arena for the actual concert.

Shane had begged out of any appearances tonight; he was still too nervous
about being photographed with the colorful bruises around his
neck. Besides, he was supposed to be on a leave of absence due to health
issues. It could be quite embarrassing for his producers at work to find
tabloid photos of him at a concert.

Shrouded in the silence of their hotel suite, Shane suddenly felt bereft of
Leo's presence. He'd been gloriously distracted from himself by Leo and was
only now starting to realize how dismal it felt to be left alone.

It was the first time in days that he was without Leo's constant touch –
he'd never felt, as much as he did now, how all-consuming Leo was.

He walked slowly around the room, toeing off his sneakers to feel the plush
carpet beneath his bare feet. A nearby side table held a silver tray with a
gold embossed card welcoming Mr. Malone to the hotel and encouraging him to
enjoy the complimentary bottle of champagne, crackers and caviar. Shane
smiled, quite happy to oblige in the absence of Mr. Malone; he usually made
do with complimentary chocolate truffles in his hotel rooms. He scooped a
small mound of caviar with this finger and dipped it in his
mouth. Wrinkling his nose with distaste, he'd never understood the appeal
of the fishy delicacy. He considered the champagne next; he knew he
shouldn't - not with the medication he was on - but couldn't resist... it
was Dom Perignon for god's sake.

He popped the cork, not bothering with the crystal flutes, and took a long
swig directly from the bottle. If he was going to be here alone, then he
might as well get drunk.

As he leaned against the side table, he felt his phone bulge uncomfortably
in his pocket. He reached for it and found that he had fourteen missed
calls from Dominic. Taking another gulp of champagne, he wondered what on
earth could be wrong with his friend; Dom's calls to him were usually few
and far between.

He walked to the French windows, looking out beyond the balcony where the
rain was still pouring. He shouldered the door open, bracing himself for
the cool gust of wind that hit him. The granite tiles were cold and clammy
beneath his bare feet and made his way quickly to the reclining chairs in
the corner of the balcony. Setting down the chilled champagne bottle, he
dialed his friend and waited anxiously for him to pick up.

"Hello, Shane? Thank God, are you okay?" Dom's voice came though worriedly.

"I'm fine. What's going on?" Shane asked.

"I went by your place this afternoon and you weren't there. I've been
trying to reach you all day... Jenny said you took a leave of absence, are
you sure you're okay?"

"Sure, I'm fine... is that why you were calling? You had me scared for a
moment there... I thought maybe..."

"Shane?" Dom interrupted, "Could you hold on a sec?"

In the background, Shane could hear loud sounds, like an announcement from
a PA system, and Dom whispering to someone, "I'll sit in fucking coach; I
don't care... just tell her to get me on it."

He came back a few moments later, "Hey, you still there? Sorry about
that. Umm...yeah, I was just trying to reach you earlier, but everything's
okay now..."

Shane listened to Dom's anxious tone. Everything was obviously not okay,
but he wasn't going to get the full story until he groveled a bit... fuck,
he thought, it was just like talking to himself.

"I'm in Salt Lake City," he said. "I wasn't ignoring you. My phone's been
off the entire time."

"What are you doing there? I thought you were sick... and what's wrong with
your voice anyway?"

Shane sighed; he really couldn't get into this right now, "It's just a mild
throat infection and I'm in no shape to do the show, that's why I left." He
heard Dominic whispering in the background again and waited for him to
speak.

"Hey, I'm back... sorry." Dom said.

"Tell me what's going on?" Shane demanded.

"I'm leaving Rowan," he announced breathlessly.

"What?" Shane spluttered the alcohol he'd just swigged. He clutched at this
neck, willing the sudden pain that wracked through his throat to subside.

He put down the bottle and asked again, certain that he must have heard the
wrong thing, "What did you say?"

"We had an awful fight this morning." Dom said with a rush of words. "God,
it's such a mess... and it's all my fault... No, you know what? It's not my
fault. I need to stop saying that; what's wrong with me?"

"There's nothing wrong with you. Just tell me what happened." Shane said in
an encouraging tone.

"You know what we talked about that day? Well, I just couldn't let it
go... So I asked Row what he thought about me going off to Beijing for a
week or two, just to follow my lead, you know?"

"Uh, huh..." Shane murmured.

"Well, he dismissed me... like I was talking about some craft project I
wanted to work on. This is my life, for fuck's sake... I have a Master's
degree in Journalism for Christ's sake. I'm not some illiterate twink he
picked up off the street. When he met me, I had a job, a life... I wasn't
just caring for his son..."

"Your son..." Shane interjected.

"His son, my son... our son... don't get me caught up in semantics," Dom
said with irritation.

"I'm just saying..." Shane tried again.

"What?" Dominic cried in a rush of emotion.

"Dom, take it easy, okay?" Shane said in an attempt to calm his obviously
distraught friend.

"You think this was an easy decision? It was the hardest fucking thing I've
had to do." Dominic said desperately.

For some reason, his words rang a bell. Shane recalled telling Drew pretty
much the same thing when he'd ended their relationship.

"I know," Shane said soothingly. "So tell me what made you leave?"

"I just couldn't do it anymore," Dominic said quietly. "I feel as if I
don't even know who I am anymore."

Shane stayed quiet waiting for him to go on.

"It doesn't help that Row knows exactly what he wants... he's got our life
mapped out for the next decade... everyone seems to know what they want. I
worked so fucking hard to get to where we are now... I thought this was
what I wanted..."

"Maybe you just need some time to figure this out..." Shane suggested.

"Yeah, I know."

"Where are you?"

A long pause, then Dominic said, "At the airport."

Shane had a feeling he knew what was coming next, but he asked nonetheless,
"And where are you going?"

"Beijing."

Shane couldn't help the judgmental tone that crept into his tone, "You're
walking away from your husband and your son for a story?"

"I'm not walking away. I told Rowan I needed some time to figure stuff
out. It doesn't mean I won't come back. I just need some time..."

"Is he going to wait for you?"

Dom laughed bitterly, "He told me not to count on it."

Shane listened to the sound of his friend's breath against the phone and
said softly, "I think you're making a mistake."

Dominic inhaled sharply, "I thought that you of all people would
understand."

"I'm trying..." Shane admitted, "But I just don't understand why you can't
..."

"Why I can't just suck it up?" Dominic cut in, "Man up. Grin and bear it?"

"No, but..."

"I haven't been living my life. I've just being tolerating it... no one
should go through life just tolerating whatever fucking circumstances come
their way."

"Dom, are you seriously referring to your child as a circumstance that just
sort of happened?

"No, but I thought Aidan would be the glue that would make Row and I
stick... It was stupid but I used Aidan and guess what, it didn't
work. Having a child didn't change Rowan like I thought it would. It was
still me alone at home, only now, I was taking care of our son. I can't
keep up the pretense anymore. It doesn't feel right; I'm lying to them and
to myself. I don't know what I'm looking for but I don't think I'm going to
find it with him."

Shane still didn't get it, "But how can you walk away from him? He's right
there... he's the one sure thing you've got... what if you don't find
yourself out there? What if you don't find what you're looking for? Or,
what if it turns out that what you really want is what you had all along?"

"I don't know," Dominic sighed, "But if I don't leave, how would I ever
find out?"

"What about Aidan?" Shane inquired.

 "What about me?" Dominic responded sadly.

When Shane didn't respond, he asked again, sharply, "What about me, Shane?"

Shane said nothing. He could tell that his friend's fraying nerves were
about to give way.

"Why doesn't anyone ever ask me what I want?" Dominic persisted. "For eight
years, I've given Row every single thing he's ever wanted. I swear, I want
to be happy... I do everything I'm supposed to for them... I've worked so
hard but I don't feel like I'm doing anything. Remember how you, Jenny and
I used to talk about happy endings? I want my fucking happy ending."

Shane's sigh was his only response.

"Jenny thinks I'm stupid for doing this. She said I'm walking away from the
best thing that's ever happened to me." Dominic paused for a moment, "If
Rowan's the best thing that's gonna happen to me in the lifetime... then
I'm screwed."

"I'm not running away," he said thoughtfully. "I know that won't solve
anything. But right now, the one thing I want, more than anything, is to do
something that's just for me. It'll be just six months... I'll be back
before Aidan even notices I'm gone."

Shane didn't point out that as Aidan's primary caregiver; he suspected the
little boy would be missing his dad by dinnertime tonight.

"My mom's flying down tonight. She'll be with Aidan, so at least he's still
got some family around him."

"So what are you doing, now, that's so different from Rowan? Neither of you
is gonna be there for your son..."

"See, it's like this Shane. We had a pact, Row and I... that we'd get
married, have a child, maybe two and be the best parents, partners,
lovers... and everything to each other. He broke the pact. Not me; he
fucking broke the pact... Yet, he's happy. Aidan's happy. And I'm not. So
why do I have to be the only one who pays the price?"

Shane couldn't argue there.

"When last did you take something you really wanted, Shane? I don't mean
waiting till it finally comes to you, but really going after
something... anything? I'm sick of being so passive. Of letting everyone
make decisions for me and just whining about whatever comes my way..."

Dom paused for a breath then continued, "Me and you, Shane. We follow the
rules...and we talk about what we want, and we dream, and it never fucking
happens for us. Fuck the rules. I want to break the fucking rules. I want
to be the goddamn exception. When's the last you did something just for
you? When's the last time you weren't just reacting to something or
someone? We're so fucking passive. When last did you take the bull by the
horns and said fuck all... to hell with whatever consequences? Look what
Drew did to you over and over..."

"Don't!" Shane cut in, suddenly pissed. "You have no fucking right to use
my life as one of your fucking metaphors... It's my life, Dom. I'm not
you. I made my mistakes and I'm learning..."

"Don't' you get it, Shane? I don't want to be you."

Shane's breath came out in low gasp.

"I don't want to be Rowan's doormat."

"I wasn't Drew's doormat," Shane said in a low whisper.

Dominic sighed, "Look, I'm sorry. I love you. I didn't mean..."

"Yes, you did," Shane said.

Dom didn't argue. He said after a brief silence, "I didn't call to make you
understand what I'm doing... I just wanted to tell you. I don't know who I
am anymore. I need to walk away while I can still breathe."

Shane didn't respond.

Dominic sighed, "I've got to go through security now. I'll call you
sometime."

"Okay..." Shane said. He wanted this conversation over and done with
quickly.

"I'm sorry for what I said," Dominic murmured. "I just see so much of
myself in you, and it scares me sometimes. A few months ago, Shane, you
were barely alive. You went through the motions, but we all saw it. Drew
did some major damage to you. It's different with everyone; for you, it was
Drew's abandonment and taking away your sense of security. For me, it's
Rowan taking away my career and my self-worth."

He paused for a second, hoping Shane would say something. When he realized
that his friend wasn't going to speak, he tried again, "You weren't
breathing with Drew. You'd stopped breathing. I need to walk away from Row
while I can still breathe."

Dominic inhaled sharply and said quietly, "Shane, I think it's okay to be
selfish. You should've been selfish with Drew. You should've stood up for
yourself and kicked him out right about the umpteenth time he left you. I
wish I'd said something to you. But you know, I couldn't tell you how to
live your life.  You know how we used to talk about happy endings... me and
you... I think we're so passive, we're just gonna end up with whatever
screwed up ending the fates decide to give us..."

There was a long silence and then with renewed vigor, Dominic chuckled and
declared decisively, "This is me being selfish."

And then he hung up.

Shane stared at his phone long after it timed out and the screen turned
black. He leaned back on the lounge chair, sipping champagne gone flat and
losing himself in the darkness of the night.






********************






"C'mon Shane...just five more minutes," Leo mumbled against his neck.

"I'm starving," Shane protested. His fingers traced the curve of Leo's
shoulder blade. "Don't you have some appointment in a half hour?"  He knew
that deadlines were non-existent in Leo's world; no matter what time he was
expected to arrive he would inevitably end up arriving an hour or two after
he was expected.

He wriggled out from underneath Leo and sat up, only to be grabbed and
pulled back down.

"You know, we're down to twenty eight days," Leo whispered before leaning
over to nip at the lobe of Shane's ear.

"I promise to fuck you till dawn now..." Shane murmured.

Leo grinned and loosened his grasp, allowing Shane to squirm free and pull
away from him.

Shane finished off his sentence, "...when you get back tonight",

"Promises, promises...," Leo sighed dramatically before huddling back in
the warm nest of the duvet.

Hiding a smirk, Shane looked into the pile of lists, menus on the side
board.

"Do you feel like breakfast?" Shane asked thoughtfully, "I feel like
breakfast."

Leo didn't respond.

It was a little after 6:00 p.m. in the evening. They'd flown in to Denver
at midday and promptly fallen asleep in their suite.

"What do you want?" he asked Leo.

Leo sighed, but remained silent.

Shane chose to ignore his lover's sulking; if it were up to Leo, they'd
stay in bed all day making love, "What do you want?" he repeated.

Leo sat up after a few moments and raked a hand through his dishevelled
hair while watching Shane turn a page on the menu, "I'll have an egg white
omelet with spinach and feta. Toast – whole wheat, hold the butter. And
coffee, lots of coffee."

Shane looked at him with surprise and remarked wryly, "Really?"

"What?"

"Are you some kind of health nut?  Because, if my throat could handle it,
I'd be going for the chocolate chip pancakes, scrambled eggs with
cheddar..."

Leo shrugged as he got off the bed. "What can I say - I'd like to avoid a
heart attack before the age of..." His voice trailed off when he noticed
Shane's expression.

"What? When I'm on the road," Leo began again, defensively, "I can't afford
to get sick. A sore throat, an upset stomach or even a headache could mean
a cancelled show and that's lost revenue..."

"I know... I know... forget it."

"So what's the problem?" Leo demanded. "What's wrong with showing a little
concern for my body?"

Shane shrugged, "Nothing. Forget it."

Leo went into the bathroom and shut the door while Shane reached for the
telephone to put in their breakfast order. As he pondered what the hell had
just gone on out there, it occurred to him that it was unlike Shane to
speak without a specific angle in mind. Shane's words were almost always
the result of a specific train of thought. He realized that he'd cut Shane
off decided to back track.

He opened the door again to find Shane putting down the phone and watching
him with a furrowed brow.

"I don't want to forget it," Leo said, "what were you getting at?"

"You're inconsistent." Shane responded without hesitation, "It's sort of
absurd that you're into a healthy lifestyle, and yet, you're nonchalant
about your own life. What's the point of working as hard as you do or
keeping your body healthy if you're just going to throw away everything
with a couple of pills?"

Leo felt the air go out of him, as though from a blow. This was the last
thing he'd expected to hear from Shane. He took in a deep breath and asked,
"So, you're still stuck on that?"

"If you mean still stuck on almost losing you to an attempted suicide?
Yes."

"And just a few days ago, you were so willing to let me go. If I remember
correctly, you asked me to leave."

"I didn't mean it," Shane shot back, "And don't tell me you didn't mean to
take your life because you damn well nearly succeeded. What's the point of
watching what you eat if something, anything, could make you try to kill
yourself again."

Leo could usually do this. Could usually follow Shane's insane logic, but
now he really did feel lost, "Why are we back here, again? Why are we
talking about this, three days later?"

"We never talked about it; you agreed we'd talk later, right?"

"No, we agreed to talk about Drew later – Drew, who you insist means
nothing, yet just saying his name makes you clam up like a fucking oyster."

"Fine, you want to talk about Drew? Let's do this. After that, we'll talk
about why the hell you think your life is so expendable."

Leo paused to think before responding, his hand stuck on the bathroom door
knob. He really didn't want to do this now.

"I've got a photo shoot starting in ten minutes."

"So now, you're concerned about a deadline?" Shane asked with a smirk.

He sighed, knowing Shane had got him there, "I'll answer one question,
honestly, if you do the same.

Shane shrugged; he really had nothing to hide anymore. "Shoot," he said
easily.

"Do you love him? Do you love Drew?"

Shane rolled his eyes, "That's the best you could come up with? Seriously?
I haven't loved Drew for a very long time."

The ease with which he answered threw the question threw Leo off. He
realized that Shane was being honest... that whatever feelings he had about
his relationship with Drew weren't tied up to love.

Shane studied him and inquired, "Are you ready for my question?"

Leo answered honestly, "Not really, but you're going to ask anyway..."

"A deal's a deal."

There was silence as they studied each other closely and Shane finally
spoke, "Would you do it again, if something ever happened tso us?"

Leo wasn't anticipating that question. He tried to appear calmer than he
really felt. "Are you planning to leave me?" he asked.

Shane sighed, "No." He chose not to point out to Leo that they'd only
agreed to one question each. Answering a question with a question wasn't
part of the rules... wait, did they even have rules for this?

"Then it's a no brainer," Leo shot back. "I shouldn't have to tell you what
I would or wouldn't do if you left me... if you don't, in fact, plan to
leave me."

Shane took a few moments to wrap his head around what Leo had just said. He
chose not to add that their relationship could, figuratively, also end if
Leo left him. He said instead, "You didn't answer the question; if
something were to happen..."  Leo stepped back into the bathroom, his eyes
still locked on Shane's, he shrugged, "I don't know."

Their conversation stalled to an awkward silence until Shane tried again,
"You're saying you don't know if you would take your life if something
happened to us?"

Leo hesitated for a few moments, "I'm saying I don't know what I would do
if something you say is not going to happen, happens."

Shane managed to nod before turning away.

Leo watched him for a few moments before shutting the door behind him.






****************





One week later, Leo had completed his shows in Phoenix and Dallas. Shane
found that he could barely keep up. He didn't even have time to catch his
breath in one city before they were packing and jetting off to another.

As the plane glided onto the Houston airport runway, the city lights
twinkling all around them, Shane asked Leo a question.

"Have you ever calculated your carbon footprint?"

"Nope," Leo said with an amused smirk.

"What's the capacity of the jet? Ten, fifteen passengers?" Shane asked,
"We're flying around the country and it isn't even half-full... can you
imagine the amount of carbon that's being emitted?"

Leo sat back in amusement as his lover questioned his commitment to
environmental issues.

Did he know that some private planes could emit, in one hour, more carbon
dioxide than some people would, in an entire year?

No, Leo admitted, he didn't know that.

When Shane began rattling off grim statistics about global warming, Leo
tried to appear serious.

"So, how do you know so much about the environment?" he inquired.

Shane paused for a moment, "We, ah, we did a show for Earth day, a couple
months back and I interviewed a couple of experts on the matter... it's
just really alarming, the rate at which global warming is occurring. Flying
around like this causes havoc..."

Leo asked, "So how do you suggest I reduce my... ah... carbon dioxide
emissions?"

"Well," Shane said thoughtfully, "you could get a smaller jet..."

Leo shook his head, "I don't think that would do much. I say, if you're
committed, you should go the whole nine yards."

"What do you mean?" Shane asked.

"See, I feel no guilt about the environment or flying around in this
thing. I donate to a couple of environmental and climate organizations... I
recycle... and hell, I'm gonna be long dead by the time this planet's
burned to a crisp... but since you do feel guilty, how about we do this?
After the show, I drop you off with the stage hands and crew. They travel
around in these hybrid buses, they're really green and environmentally
friendly, I hear. I'll take the jet, you do the bus, and we could meet up
in Austin... say in a couple of days."  Shane considered Leo's suggestion
for a few moments and then declined.  Leo hid his smile as he returned his
attention to putting together his set list.






**********





It was after midnight when Shane got out of the cab. He hadn't planned to
come to the after party, but there he was getting in line at the bar hoping
the dumb bodybuilding bouncers at the door would let him in.

The only reason he was here, was because he was starting to tire of the
opulent luxury of the hotel; the rooms were starting to look the same and
Shane couldn't understand how Leo did this for a living.

He'd inquired how Leo could subject himself to the constant travel and
hotels. Twenty eight million reasons, he'd responded. Shane was taken
aback, really? Leo had nodded, well, that, he'd added and the fact that
talk show hosts had the best jobs in the world while poor rock stars had to
suffer a plight of luxury. He was being sarcastic, of course.

They'd both being making an effort to stay away from heavy conversations
since the last one ended over a week ago with Leo admitting that he could,
theoretically, attempt to kill himself again.

Shane didn't know what to make of that. He was also still consumed with
thoughts of Dominic. And he missed Jenny. Especially now, he wished he
could just pick up the phone and call her, so she'd make him laugh and just
for a second or so, he'd forget everything he had to worry about.

He'd tried Leo's phone several times already that night but he didn't
answer. Ten minutes later the line was still moving along slowly and after
a half hour, he finally got to the door.

"I.D.?" asked a tall, heavyset man with heavy gold chains around his neck
and greasy, slicked back hair.  Shane handed over his driver's license.

"Hey, are you that actor on TV? You're on the cop show, right?"

Shane smiled and nodded affirmatively although he had no clue who the guy
was talking about. Hell, he thought, he'd be Oprah fucking Winfrey if that
would get him in the bar.

His I.D. got handed back to him and he was waved in.

The club was dark and smoky. Music thumped against the walls in an
insistent bass beat and made his way slowly around gyrating bodies. He
didn't even know where to start looking for Leo in this crowd.  He'd
attended the concerts back in Denver and Dallas but had always begged off
the after parties because he was still incredibly self-conscious about the
fading bruises on his neck.

Tonight, however, he'd all of a sudden felt stir-crazy and regretted not
accompanying Leo to the show. He'd left for the club, since he'd already
missed the concert, hopeful that he would be able to meet up with his
lover.

He made his way to the bar, and tried to get the attention of a
bartender. When one finally approached him, he asked, "Is Leo Malone here
tonight?" He was sure Leo had said the band and crew were going to be
partying at this bar but since he hadn't caught sight of them, he wondered
if he'd come to the wrong location.

The bartender, a tattooed brunette with a pierced nose, asked, "What're you
having?"

Shane wondered if she'd heard him, "I said, is Leo..."

She smirked, "I heard you all right; now what I can I getcha?"

Shane sighed inwardly, "Gin and tonic," he said.

"Beefeater, Tanqueray, Bombay Sapphire...?"

"Whatever you got," he said, trying to hide his mounting frustration.

She came back with the drink and asked as she pushed it over, "Wanna start
a tab?"

What the hell? He hadn't wanted the cocktail in the first place. He shook
his head as he paid, making sure to tip generously.

She smiled and pointed to the stairs across the room, "Leo's up there in
the VIP lounge."

He left his drink untouched and made his way to the stairs. As he
approached, he noticed a burly man seated at the foot of the stairs,
blocking the way. Shit, more security. He plastered a friendly smile and
hoped that he would be recognized by this bouncer.

No such luck.

"You don't have a bracelet."

"What bracelet?" he inquired.

"The one that gets you past these pearly gates."

"Where do I get one...?"Shane started to ask but was brushed aside by the
bouncer in favor of three giggling girls who were now standing behind
him. They were in skimpy clothes, all tits and ass; and despite a lack of
bracelets on their arms, they were allowed to go in.  Shane protested at
once.

The bouncer's eyes never left the ass of the last girl as she ascended the
stairs. He sneered as he looked back at Shane, "You come back in a dress
that short and I'll let you in."

Shane weighed his options; he didn't want to go back to the hotel. Chances
were, Leo was never going to hear his phone ring in this place... He could
just tell this guy that he was fucking Leo... or... then he thought of
another thing.

"Is Jake up there?"

The bouncer lifted a sceptical brow, "You know Jake?"

"Sure I know Jake... and I know Leo, too, but you'd never believe me."

The bouncer stared at him for a moment then lifted a hand to his earpiece,
"Hey, Freddie? I got someone down here's asking for Jake... uh
huh... what's your name?"  "Shane."

A few moments later, Jake appeared at the top of the stairs and motioned
for Shane to be let in.

When he got to Jake, he remarked, "It's like Fort Knox in here."

Jake responded urgently, "Why didn't you call? Leo'd be pissed if he found
out..."

Shane balked, "It's okay. I changed my mind at the last moment. I just
thought I'd meet up..."

Jake took hold of his arm, leading him gently through the throng of bodies,
"It doesn't matter. I would've had someone come get you. You need
something; you let me know, okay? Leo would go fucking ballistic if he
heard you couldn't get in. From here on, I'm gonna leave your name at the
door, wherever you go."

Shane hated getting chastised but he understood that this had nothing to
with him and everything to do with Leo. He said nothing, just nodded.

"Give me your phone."

Shane handed it over without a word and watched Jake key in a number.

"That's my number. Next time you need anything, call."

Shane took his phone back with a muttered thanks.

At the center of the room was a stage where two skimpily dressed dancers
writhed against a pole. Few seemed to be riveted by their performance. He
spied Leo seated in a corner and laughing raucously, surrounded by members
of the band and a number of other celebrities that looked faintly
familiar. He noticed that the three girls from earlier were already perched
on the laps of various guys in the group.

Shane's footsteps faltered and Jake looked at him with concern, "You okay?"

He thought, no, but responded, "You go on ahead. I think I'm going to get a
drink." With that, he slipped out of Jake's grasp and made his way to the
bar.

He slid onto an unoccupied stool where he quickly struck up a conversation
with a couple who'd allegedly driven a couple hundred miles to see Leo in
concert. Shane was in love with the guy but he didn't think he'd drive such
a distance to hear him sing.  Leo.

He filtered out the voices around him as he began thinking of his lover. He
was uncomfortable with the weight of responsibility he suddenly felt for
Leo's life. No one should have that much power over another, he mused. He
felt like the roles had been reversed, that he was the one who'd fallen
hard while Leo walked away easily. Now his assumptions were being
challenged as he realized that Leo had fallen just as hard as he had.

The difference being that Shane knew he would go on if something happened
to their relationship.

He noticed a movement to his left and just as he turned to glance at the
person standing close to him, he felt a hand on his wrist.

"Come around here often?" a low voice whispered in ear.

He made a face, ready to blow off his eager suitor, but was surprised to
find a familiar face, "Chris, I can't believe it!"

The dark haired man smiled, "Hey there, Shane."

"Wow." Shane let out a breathless laugh as he slid off the stool to allow
his friend pull him into a hug, "What are you doing here?"

"I live here."

"In Houston?"

"No, in this club... yeah in Houston!"

"Whoa, it's been what... five years?"

Chris smiled, revealing dimples, and lifted his drink to his lips, "Give or
take a year..."

"So what are you doing now?" Shane asked.

"Oh you know, this and that," he responded vaguely.

Shane studied his friend. He was wearing a dark blazer and unbuttoned grey
dress shirt that clung to his muscular frame with every move he made. He
looked different than he did in college; must have put on at least fifteen
to twenty pounds of pure muscle. But his tousled dark brown hair was the
same, his twinkling green eyes.

"Last I heard," Shane said, "You were up in San Francisco..."

Chris nodded, "I just moved here; a couple of guys and I are working on a
start-up business – high end gyms geared towards athletes,
celebrities... your sort actually... and this is actually a pretty good
place to scout out clients... so, tell me, what are you doing in my neck of
the woods?"

Shane had to stop and think, what was he doing here, anyway?

He settled on a vague response finally, "I'm here with a friend."

"Really? Anyone I know?"

Shane licked his lips, lying easily, "I don't think so."

"That's nice," Chris said, his eyes closely following the movement of
Shane's tongue. If he noticed that Shane was being evasive, he didn't
show. "Can I get you a drink?"

"No, thanks. I'm good." Shane said. He patted the stool next to him, "Here,
have a seat."

At some point in their conversation, about a half hour later, Shane glanced
up around the room and noticed Leo still partying in the corner. He never
even seemed to have noticed Shane was here.





**********************





Leo threw back yet another gulp of red bull. He hadn't noticed Shane's
entrance. Jake had come around and whispered to him that Shane was
here. He'd looked around, hoping Shane would find him eventually. He didn't
think his group, as loud and noisy as they were, would be hard to
find. Just as he'd thought to stand up and look for Shane, he'd spotted him
at the bar talking to some guy.

The guy had his hand on Shane's arm, gripping the flesh just above the
elbow. He slid his hand up to Shane's shoulder and then back down again.

He watched Shane throw his head back with laughter, the guy watching him
with a smile, obviously pleased that whatever he'd said had gotten a
reaction from Shane.

Anger washed over him, sharp and sudden. Leo knew it was easy to get taken
in by Shane. Him and the rest of the male population, apparently, he
thought acidly.

He leaned back and slipped on his sunglasses; that way he could watch Shane
unobtrusively.

It wasn't healthy, what he felt for Shane.

He shifted restlessly on the couch; could feel himself losing grip of what
little fraying self-control he had left. He struggled to get back in
control of his emotions.

Shane should have remained a one-night stand, but he'd gone and let his
heart get involved. Shit, he reminded himself bitterly to keep his
misplaced and uncharacteristic sense of sentimentality in check.

He downed the remainder of his drink, and got up quite suddenly. He wasn't
sure what he was going to do, but he damn well knew he wouldn't be doing
nothing.





******************




Shane felt his smile falter as he noticed Leo's approach. Something about
his bearing alerted Shane that Leo wasn't coming over to chat.

He watched as Leo walked by him, and then slid on to the stool next to his.

Shane was unsure what to do next; were they supposed to act like they
didn't know each other?

He nodded encouragingly at Chris who was still talking, although his senses
remained highly attuned to Leo's warm presence behind him.

He heard Leo order up another drink, a Blue Hawaiian. Less than a minute
later, he felt a hand brush deliberately against his back with more
pressure than necessary. He reacted instinctively; turning back to look at
Leo, and realized too late, that the bright blue cocktail was being held
strategically by Leo to ensure collision.

Within seconds, he felt wetness spread over his shirt, seeping onto his
chest and abs. He looked down at himself, silently congratulating Leo on a
job well done.

The annoying thing was, he thought, he'd really liked this shirt. He hoped
the cleaners would be able to remove the stain.

"Oh, jeez, sorry about that," Leo remarked in a droll tone, "didn't see you
there."

Shane paused for a moment to collect himself then looked up at Leo. He
didn't say a word as Leo stared back at him, daring him to say
something. Shane didn't bite.

He turned back to Chris who'd leaped off his seat in alarm. "Are you okay?"
Chris asked with concern.

He saw that the bartender had pushed a towel his way and reached for it. As
he attempted to clean up, he heard Leo nonchalantly order another drink.

Chris left his side, determined to approach Leo but Shane reached for his
arm, "Don't bother..."

"No, he's a fucking jerk," Chris said, shrugging him off, "Who does he
think is anyway?"

Shane watched Chris' expression as Leo turned back around, waiting for the
exact moment he would realize just who it was he about to confront. He
noted the gradual change in his friend's expression; from outrage on
Shane's behalf to stunned silence and then babbling excitement that it was
Leo Malone who'd spilled the drink on Shane.

In a few moments, Shane knew it would turn to fawning adoration; so much
for his white knight.

When he was done dabbing at the stain, he returned the towel to the
bartender with a grateful smile and then approached Leo and Chris warily.

Leo looked at Shane with a smirk, his dark eyes locking onto him for a long
moment, like he had something to say. Shane didn't even want to imagine
what it might be.

"You okay, there?" he asked before taking a sip from a can of Red Bull.

Shane just stared at him. What the hell did Leo think he was doing?

Chris, seemingly oblivious to the ongoing awkwardness, smiled widely,
"Shane, look it's Leo Malone."

 "I noticed," Shane said with a strained smile,

Chris nodded excitedly, "Leo was just telling me..."

"I should pay for your dry cleaning," Leo said to Shane, cutting off Chris
rudely.

"That's kind of you," Shane said, determined to maintain his
composure. "But I think I can manage on my own."

Leo grinned, "Okay, then, let me buy you a drink?"

"No, I'm good."

"I insist."

"No, thanks."

"It's the polite thing to do."

"No," Shane snapped, failing to keep the exasperation from his voice.

Leo shrugged, "Just trying to the right thing."

Shane rolled his eyes, "You intentionally spilled a drink on me."

Leo smiled, though it lacked any warmth, "Now, why would I do a thing like
that?"

Chris nodded, "Yeah, Shane, it was an accident. I think..."

Leo interrupted Chris again, talking to Shane like he was the only one
there, "You look familiar..."

"He hosts a talk show," Chris said quickly, "Up Close and Personal."

Leo never even glanced at Chris. His gaze was fixed intently on Shane's,
"Oh, that's right. I think you interviewed me some time ago..."

"Is that right?" Shane countered politely. "I remember only the memorable
interviews."

There was a hint of a smile on Leo's lips as he asked, "Am I not
memorable?"

Shane considered the question, settling on the answer most likely to
infuriate his lover, "No, not particularly."

There was silence as Leo took another swig from the drink in his hand. He
watched Shane, noting the anger brimming in his eyes. He didn't know why he
was doing this, no wait, he actually did know why he was doing this. He was
jealous, and pissed as hell and now that he had Shane's attention all to
himself, he was starting to feel much better.

Why did everyone have it easy with Shane, but him?

There he'd sat, waiting like some fool for Shane to come to him, but no, he
had to go pick up some idiot stranger who had the nerve to put his hands on
him, to touch him like they were...

"Right," Shane said turning away from Leo, "I'm done here," and made a move
to walk away,

Leo impulsively leaned forward to catch him by the arm, to stop him from
walking away. Chris sprung into action, rushing to Shane's defense, and
under the misplaced assumption that Leo was trying to pick a fight.

"Hey, what the fuck is your problem?" Chris demanded as he shoved Leo hard
with both hands.

"Chris, no!" Shane yelled.

Leo's eyes glinted, as he staggered back from the heft of Chris'
push. Fuck, the guy had some muscle on him. Adrenaline was coursing through
his veins and he threw aside the umpteenth can of Red Bull that he'd been
chugging all day.

He sauntered back up to Chris, until they were staring at each other, face
to face. He could feel Shane tugging on his arm, and he glanced to his
left, staring at him briefly and noting his lover's wide-eyed look of
anxiety.

Later, he would remember that Shane had murmured to him, "Leo, it's
okay. Don't do anything stupid." In that moment, however, all he could
think of was the piece of shit who was trying to come between him and
Shane.

He took a step back as if he were turning to walk away, then pulled back
his fist and hit Chris square across the face. The unexpected punch was
hard enough to send Chris reeling across the floor.

Shane stood still, watching in stunned silence as his friend went down. He
glanced at Leo who was clenching and unclenching his fist. Leo didn't look
at him, stepping up to Jake instead and whispering something to him.

He tried to take a step forward, but found he couldn't. He could feel a
heavy weight on his shoulder and he glanced to his side to find Jake
holding him back.

"Jake, let go of me," he said, struggling to get away from Jake.

"No, I need to get you out of here," Jake said briskly, and clearly leaving
no room for argument. A crowd was starting to gather and Shane could see
security guards running up the stairs in their direction. He didn't even
feel his legs moving. He just felt as though he was watching himself being
ushered to the nearest exit.

"What about Leo?" he asked anxiously.

Jake didn't respond; too busy edging his way through the surging crowd of
people.

Shane's last glimpse of the VIP lounge was of a surging crowd which
prevented him from seeing Leo. Just before he was hustled downstairs by
Jake, he saw a number of security guards suddenly appear and he spied
Chris, who was being helped off the floor.

They didn't exit the same way he had come into the club earlier. Jake led
him down a long flight of narrow, creaky stairs, and then a dimly lit
corridor, all the while talking softly into his cell phone. They eventually
arrived at a doorway which led to an alley.

They waited for a few moments until a black SUV pulled up in front of
them. Jake opened the door to the back seat and motioned for him to get it.

"He'll take you back to the hotel, okay?"

Shane asked, "What's going to happen to Leo? Why did we leave him there
alone?"

Jake held on to the door and responded, "He'll be okay." He paused for a
second, as if listening to something.

Shane heard it too; approaching sirens of the police.

Jake blinked and returned his attention back to Shane, "Leo's got the rest
of his security team with him. He'll need to give the cops a statement... I
don't know if your friend's going to press charges..."

He took in Shane's worried expression and added, "Very unlikely since Leo
could also press charges and then they'll both get arrested..."

Jake watched him, when he was satisfied that he'd pacified Shane; he moved
to close the door but he heard Shane ask one more question.

"Why didn't you stay with him?"

The door was already half-way closed so Shane couldn't see Jake's eyes
through the tinted windows but he heard Jake respond, "Leo's my number one
priority. When you became his number one priority... mine got reordered
too."

With that, Jake shut the door on him.





*******************





Hours passed and Leo still hadn't returned to the hotel. Shane paced back
and forth anxiously; still trying to calm himself down. What the fuck just
happened? It never occurred to him that Leo would be so pig-headed and
jealous. Hadn't he made it perfectly clear to Leo that there was no one but
him?

He heard a noise and looked back to find Leo cautiously approaching their
bedroom. He ran to him, embracing him hard and tight. He couldn't help
himself, pissed as he was, but relieved nonetheless that Leo hadn't been
arrested.

"What took you so long?" he asked.

Leo seemed stunned then seemed to get with the program. His arms came
wrapped around Shane, brushing a kiss on his temple.

"They had me give a statement. Me and just about every single person in the
club"

Shane pulled out of Leo's arms, "Is Chris pressing charges?"

Leo shrugged, "He didn't. Not right there. Maybe he will later, I don't
know. We'll settle out of court if anything comes up."

Shane considered Leo's words for a moment as he headed back to the bedroom,
"So was it worth it, then?"

"Decking Chris ... Was it worth it?"

Leo didn't say what he was thinking out loud. Yes, he thought, it was
fucking worth it to knock our Chris if it meant his greedy paws stayed off
Shane. He knew better than to say that out loud so he settled for a
nonchalant shrug.

As he walked by a mirror in the bedroom, Shane realized for the first time
since he arrived, that he was still wearing the shirt stained with the Blue
Hawaiian cocktail. Just as he took it off, he looked back to find Leo
walking into the bedroom. He rolled up his shirt and threw it right in
Leo's face.

Leo ducked just in time as it sailed over his head.

He realized that Shane was pissed.

"Get out," Shane said, "You're not sleeping in here tonight."

Leo froze. Was Shane serious?

"If you don't leave, I will."

Leo raised his hands in mock surrender, "Fine, I got it. I'll leave."





****************




Shane awoke the following morning to voices. It was Leo talking to someone
outside. For a moment, he was puzzled; wondering why Leo wasn't in the room
with him and then it all came back to him; last night and everything that
happened after.

He got out of bed, making his way to the living room where he was greeted
by the intoxicating smell of coffee. He assumed Leo must have been talking
to the delivery person. He poured himself a mug of coffee, and sat for
moment as he sipped. He wanted to get his thoughts together before he
approached Leo.

He was still sort of mad at Leo. They both knew how fragile this thing
between them was. They knew it was raw, beautiful and utterly
breakable. Why did he keep doing stupid shit like this?  After sipping
about halfway through the cup of coffee, he felt ready.

He found Leo in the bathroom. A white towel was wrapped around his hips as
he tipped his head back to drag a razor down his jaw. The blade cut
smoothly through the foam of shaving cream leaving a trail of smooth skin
behind.

He watched Leo in silence; one stroke, then another, a quick tap in the
sink filled with water to rinse the razor, and repeat.

When Leo was done, he set the razor aside and leaned over the sink to rinse
off the leftover cream on his neck. He finally noticed a flicker of
movement in the mirror and glanced back to find Shane watching him.

"Hey," Shane said. He was wearing boxer shorts, and his hair was still
disheveled from sleep.

"Hey," Leo muttered, looking back at the mirror as he reached for a towel
to wipe his face.

Leo didn't look back as he heard Shane's footsteps approach him from
behind. He felt Shane slowly fit himself right up against his back, skin to
skin; felt Shane brush his lips over his bare shoulder. He looked at their
reflection in the mirror, couldn't see Shane's face, but watched as his
arms encircled his waist.

"How did you sleep?" Shane whispered close to his ear.

Leo hesitated for a moment then said quietly, "Not bad."

"That's good," Shane murmured, "because I barely got a wink last night."

Leo's lips twitched into a smile, "Really?"

He felt Shane nod against his shoulder, and press closer to him, "I missed
you. I stayed up all night staring at the ceiling. I wanted to come get
you..."

"Why didn't you?" Leo asked as he tilted his head against Shane's cheek,
allowing himself sink into his lover's embrace.

Shane kissed him on his temple, and then whispered into his ear, "Because
you were a jerk last night."

Leo stayed quiet for a long moment, doing nothing more than enjoying the
warm weight of Shane against him, "He was touching you."

Shane sighed and rested his forehead on Leo's back, "You're being
paranoid."

"No," Leo insisted, "You picked him up, right there in front of me, and you
let him..."

"What?" Shane exclaimed. Heat flushed through him as he pulled his hands
away from Leo and stepped back, "What did you say?"


Leo forced himself to stay calm, "Are you gonna deny it?"

Shane gave an incredulous look, "Are you fucking kidding me?"

Leo shrugged, "I know what I saw..."

"I know Chris," Shane interjected, "I didn't just pick him up at the
bar. We were roommates in college, sophomore year. We weren't good friends
or anything so we lost touch..."

"Oh," Leo said.

"That's all you can say, `oh'?"

"Well, I guess it was a mistake"

"You clocked a guy because you made a mistake? What the fuck, Leo?"

"What was I supposed to do? I sat there, waiting for you like a fool,
thinking you would come to me, and the next thing I see is some guy to feel
you up..."

Leo continued, "I've held back; but I can't take it anymore."

Shane scoffed, "So bring it."

Leo ran his hand through his damp hair tiredly, "I don't get it; will I
ever be enough for you?"

"I don't understand."

"I send you flowers, which you don't even acknowledge. Instead, you go to a
bar and pick up some sick fuck who roughs you up... then you say you want
to come on tour, and I bring you, and what do you do? You pick up some guy,
right there in front of me... I want you, but I won't be taken for a fool,
Shane. Why would you even think its okay to do that...?"

"Okay, you need to stop saying that. I didn't do anything. He didn't
touch..."

"I fucking saw you!" Leo snapped.

Shane was taken aback at Leo's sudden show of emotion.

"Chris never put his hands on me..." Shane began then paused as he recalled
his conversation with his friend last night. "You mean when he held my
arm?" he asked thoughtfully.

Leo just stared back at him.

Shane sighed, "Do you know what Chris does for a living?" he continued
without waiting for a response, "He's a personal trainer. He was at the
club last night with his business partners; they're looking to start up a
chain of high-end gyms and they attend events like to scout celebrities,
athletes, businessmen, rich housewives... He tried to get me as an investor
but I declined, and he then he wanted me to sign on as a client. He wasn't
feeling me up; he thought my arms could use a little work, said he could
help me pack on ten pounds of muscle in no time..."

"Your arms are perfect," Leo sighed as he took in the lean planes and
curves of Shane's body. He felt stupid now, for thinking Shane was doing
anything with Chris. And he also felt kinda bad for Chris... but he wasn't
going to admit it.

They stared at each other for a long moment. Shane knew he wouldn't be
getting an apology from Leo; frankly, he didn't want one. But he knew there
was something very wrong here.

Shane looked at him intently, ignoring his joking tone, "We can't keep
doing this; our signals keep getting crossed. It's like every time we're
together, we're fucking or else we're pissed off at each other... there's
got to be something more... or we're never going to make it work."

Leo came up to him, and stood so close, that Shane took a step back, his
back hitting the door, "So, let's make it work." He leaned forward to kiss
his lover but Shane stretched out a hand and pushed him, squeezing by to
get free.

"Don't try to distract me with sex. It's always good between us when we
fuck and then we get distracted and we don't communicate. You don't trust
me; we need to talk about that."

He walked away, then glanced back at Leo and added, "Put some clothes on
then we'll talk."






*************






Shane looked up as his lover approached. He poured him a cup of coffee from
the silver carafe then made space for him on the couch.

He leaned over, pressing his lips on the smooth skin along Leo's jaw and
then lower down to his neck. "You smell good," he murmured.

The effect was immediate on Leo; heat shuddered down his spine, connecting
to his dick. His mouth curved into a lazy, wicked smile, "Now, who's
distracting who?" he asked as he set down the coffee, and took hold of
Shane's chin, kissing him hard and urgent.

What Shane had said earlier was absolutely true. Sex between them had never
been a problem. It, however, was what had brought them to this mess; they'd
never been able to keep their hands off each other, from the first time
they'd met... and even now.

Shane pulled back a little and breathed softly, "Leo?" His tone was
hesitant, and so quiet, that it caught his lover's attention.

"If I ever leave you," he said softly, "it won't be for anyone else. It
would be because you don't want me anymore."

"Shane, what are saying...?" Leo asked, unsure where Shane was going with
this.

"You've wanted me to talk to you," Shane said, "So let me talk. I don't
know if you think I make it a habit of picking up guys at bars – I
don't."

"I didn't mean..."

"Yes, you did. That's why you lost it with Chris. You thought it was going
to be like the last time with the guy who choked me. It's okay... I'd have
thought the same thing too...

He continued drawing patterns in Leo's palm, "I didn't mean to make you
jealous; Chris really is just a friend... and I didn't think you'd draw
some kind of correlation between him and what that bastard did to me. But,
you've got to understand the person that I am. I don't do that... I don't
pick up random guys for sex. In the past three years, I've been with you
and Drew; seriously, I'm an anomaly among gay men."

"My friend, Jenny, thinks my taste in men sucks. She's right." He looked up
at Leo and smiled shyly, "But I'd like to think I've broken my losing
streak."

Sighing he continued, "This thing between us, it's raw and beautiful and
utterly breakable. Nothing has come easy for us, and I'm terrified that
you'll leave me. I don't want to lose you, even if I sometimes act like I
don't care. You really are the best thing that's happened to me. Before
you, I was just an empty shell, and you sort of breathed life back in to
me."  He hesitated for moment then said, "I haven't talked about
Drew... not because he's special... but because it hurts. You find it easy
to forgive me when I screw up, but Drew never did. We fought all the time,
all the goddamn time and I think we both forgot what it was like to just be
with each other without the anger. We weren't anything special, not like me
and you, but we hung on too and it sort of messed us up."  Shane glanced up
then, his eyes briefly meeting Leo's, brown on blue, before looking away
again.  With a soft sigh, he asked, "Have you ever been dumped?"

Leo frowned, momentarily puzzled by the question. He shook his head.

"Of course, you haven't. Who in their right mind would leave you? I'll tell
you what - I've been dumped. And I don't mean once or twice; at my last
count, Drew had left me about fourteen times and that's not counting a
couple of times he left for a night or two and returned."

Shane leaned back, closing his eyes before continuing thoughtfully, "The
first time he left, we'd been together two months. We were going to have a
party; he'd redecorated our place and wanted to show it off... sort of a
housewarming, I guess. I worked late that day, a guest on the show
cancelled at the last minute and we had to get a replacement... we were
down to the wire, and I didn't really have a choice. He'd asked me to take
care of something, the florist, I think... but I forgot. When I got home,
we had this huge blowup and he left... I'm sure I said some things I
shouldn't have... I wasn't innocent. At first, I thought he'd gone for a
walk or something and he'd be back... but he didn't. He didn't come back
and our friends came the following day for a party. I got a call from him
about an hour before the party was supposed to start... he wasn't coming.

He opened his eyes, although still lost in thought, "That was probably one
of the more humiliating ones. Can you imagine trying to explain the
whereabouts of your missing boyfriend to your friends?"

He shook his head, "He came home the day after, apologized and we patched
things up... until the next time it happened and then he left again."

He got off the couch, walked to the window where the thick white clouds
loomed outside, "Now, you wouldn't think I'd be stupid enough to hang
around, waiting for him after the second or third time he left, but you'd
be wrong. I did. I waited."

Shane smiled although Leo could see that it didn't quite reach his eyes,
"For some reason we just couldn't make it work. It was always one thing or
the other – I made much more money than he did, and that bugged him a
little.  My friends didn't like him and I suppose I didn't defend him or
our relationship as well as I should have... In the end, it really was more
of a nightmare."

Leo was genuinely puzzled now. So where was the angst coming from; why the
regret over Drew, if the relationship had been this hurtful?

Shane continued before Leo could voice his thoughts, "I grew dependent on
him... I don't know... maybe it was more of a parasitic relationship, but
either way, it was very harmful for me. Of course, I didn't realize it at
the time. Whenever he was around, I'd just wait for the other shoe to drop,
because sooner or later, we'd get into a fight and he'd leave. I found
myself trying to forestall anything that could trigger him leaving. `What
would Drew want?' became my daily mantra. I thought he was my air... that
the only time I could breathe was when he was around... and then I met
you. As it turned out, I hadn't been breathing with after all."

He walked back to the couch and sat at the very edge, leaving a vast
distance between he and Leo.

Leo inched closer to him, pulling his hand into his, but Shane jerked his
hand out from the warmth of Leo's. He didn't want to be touched at that
very moment.

"I'd like to say that I left Drew for you, but I didn't. Remember the
morning after you'd spent the night with me, and you asked me to come back
with you to L.A.? Well, the only reason I said no was because I was going
to meet up with Drew to try to patch things up. My friend, Jenny, once said
that I have an affinity for pain. I do. Despite everything he'd done, I was
ready to take him back. I don't know why, but I conned myself into thinking
this time, it'd be different."

Shane paused, listening to the silence around him then resumed, "Somewhere
along the way, I changed my mind. A conversation with my friend gave me
some perspective and I ended it with him. It didn't go well; he said things
to me that really hurt. Just in case you haven't noticed, I do this thing
where I don't talk... a talk show host that doesn't like talking, go
figure. Well, I don't talk about my feelings. I can't help it, I'd rather
listen than talk... maybe that's what makes me a good talk show
host... anyway, I let Drew do all the talking, let him take a couple of
good shots at me... it hurt, you know. He was brutally honest... some of
what he said was true, but a lot of it was bullshit... and I don't know
why, but I just sat back and took it. When he was leaving, the furniture I
gave him, they weren't mine... I'd bought them for him... I'd been trying
to buy his affection then and it just made sense to let him take them. If
he didn't take the things, I would have given them to charity."

He lifted his hand to lower his lip and stroked it thoughtfully, "Let's
just get one thing straight - I may still feel many things for Drew, but
love, isn't one of them – not any more. There's some guilt, though... a
lot of guilt. We'd both being faithful over the years... even when he left
me; I knew he'd never stray. But the last fight we had... care to guess
what it was about?"

Leo shrugged.

"It was about you."

Leo's eyebrow shot up in surprise.

"Yup, we argued about you. See, we'd just fucked, and he said he loved
me. I don't know what I was thinking but I said, "I love you, Leo.""

Shane paused for a second, "That's how long I've known I was in love with
you. But anyway, I swore to Drew that it was a mistake. I didn't anyone
called Leo and I certainly didn't love him. I don't think he bought it,
though."

"What I regret," he continued, "is this, even at the end; I couldn't quite
bring myself to say to Drew, "I've met someone who's better than you; who
could quite possibly be the best thing that's ever happened to me."  I
don't know why I didn't tell him about you... I would've loved to see the
look on his face."

He laughed ruefully. "I wish I'd said more before he left. I wish I'd said,
`Drew, I'd erase every single memory of the last three years just so I
could live as though you'd never existed'. I'd tell him that he made me
feel as worthless as... as a penny with a hole it. I'd tell him that he
broke my heart so many times that I think some pieces are lost forever.

"It should be easy to just let go of a bad relationship," Shane
sighed. "One should be able to walk away; forget it ever happened... not
me. I cling to pain like white on fucking rice. What I feel for Drew, isn't
love. It's a little guilt, a lot of regret and a whole fucking shitload of
anger."

He finally risked a brief glance at Leo before turning back to look away,
"And that's why I don't talk about Drew."

A sharp intake of breath was Leo's only response to Shane's words.

Shane finally looked straight at Leo, crooked his head to the side and
asked out loud, "So now you know, what do you think?"

An uncomfortably long silence began because Leo was still trying to wrap
his head around everything Shane had just shared.

"I think..." Leo began then stopped. He wanted to be sympathetic to Shane's
pain. Really, he did, but he could not help the growing resentment that had
built as he listened to his lover.  He tried again, "I don't think you're
ready for this... for me, or everything that I have or want to give you."

Shane was taken aback. He'd just bared his heart to Leo. Literally told him
things that he hadn't even shared with Jenny and this was his response.

"What are you saying?" Shane asked softly.

Leo shook his head and bit down hard on his lip, at once frustrated at
Shane and desperate to get through to him, "You and Drew had your chance;
he screwed up or you screwed up... either way, it doesn't matter. I'm here
now. I'm the one who's here waiting for you to make up your mind. It's not
Drew who's here with you."

"I know," Shane said desperately. "I know you're here. I want you here, and
I want to be with you."

"So prove it. Do something... anything... show me that I'm the one you
want. Not Drew or any other guy who comes your way. I'm not the one who
maintained a relationship after we met, okay?" Leo argued. "You did. You
knew I left Joni for you. I made a choice from the very beginning that I
wanted you – I fucking want to be with you and I haven't wavered
once. Hell, I haven't so much as looked at another woman since I met you."

Leo leaned forward, gaze fixed on Shane, "You, on the other hand, have been
with Drew, and now that bastard at the club who almost killed you."

Shane said immediately, "He didn't..."

"And there you go, making excuses for him," Leo cut in heatedly. "Why don't
I get a break? Why don't you make up some excuse for me; forgive me for
leaving you once, unlike Drew, I might add who left you what, like twenty
times. Let go of the one fucking thing I did to hurt you. Why don't I get a
free pass, like Drew, huh? You were going to take him back, even after I'd
left Joni for you. God damn it, Shane, he left you over and over again, and
he hasn't paid – isn't paying – the price you're making me
pay... Why?"

"Because I love you," Shane yelled, stretching his vocal cords to their
limit, and clutching his throat when he realized they were still not at
their normal capacity.

"I love you, but you hurt me," he repeated again, in a lower voice. "Drew
made me feel worthless, but you made me feel like dirt, and I'm working on
the forgiveness thing, but you just happened to be the guy who came around
after Drew. He might have put me down and pushed me into the coffin but you
fucking nailed the door shut on me. I don't have any more free passes. I
don't want to get hurt anymore."

Leo shook his head, "You wear your pain like a suit of armor and nothing I
do or say is really going to change anything, is it?"

Leo stared at him, his eyes questioning, as he met Shane's wide blue ones.

"I love you," Shane repeated. "You're right; I didn't forgive, even when I
should have. I kept holding on to the anger and pain... that was what Drew
and I did to each other. We held on to our pain for so long... it consumed
us and we never could forgive each other. I'm sorry. I screwed up. I don't
have any more free passes, I don't want to get hurt but you deserved more
chances than I ever gave you. I should've forgiven you a long time ago. I'm
learning how to trust again... I love you, and I trust you."

There was nothing but silence when Shane repeated himself sharply, "I love
you and you don't even have the balls to say it back to me. I know you feel
it too."

Leo sat back, and said tiredly, "Does it even matter?"

Shane remained in stony silence.

Leo sighed, "I love you too. There, I've said it. So, tell me, what's
next?"

Shane didn't know what to say. He felt breathless, like he'd just been hit
hard in the gut. This was the moment he'd been waiting for, right? That Leo
would tell him he was in love with him.

It was totally unfair, how ironic his life was. That he and Leo would
exchange those three words in just about the most unromantic way possible.

In a Julia Roberts or Meg Ryan movie for instance, there'd be strains of
melodramatic music in the background. The entire plot would have let up to
this moment, the climax, when the protagonists would say `I love you.' And
they'd hug and kiss and live happily ever after, and then the credits would
roll.

In real life, however, he and Leo didn't have Celine Dion singing about
their hearts going on forever. There was no director yelling `cut' and
asking for a re-take.

All he and Leo had was silence and the weight of their words hanging in
between.






*****************






The sun was low, cutting into the horizon, as the road stretched out in
front of them. There were a couple of cars on their sides, but the road was
not busy. The purring sound of the engine was the only noise Shane could
hear as they rode along the dusty road.

It was Shane's first time in St. Louis, and he hadn't realized, until Leo
pushed a helmet into his hands, that they would be going into the city on a
motorcycle.

"A bike, seriously?" he'd ask in disbelief.

It wasn't a bike, it was a motorcycle, Leo said, and besides, it was a
Ducati blah blah blah... He'd nodded knowingly while inwardly he imagined
all the ways his life could end while riding on that thing.

Leo stopped for a second and asked, "You have no idea what I'm talking
about, do you?"

Shane smiled, "Nope."

Leo had sighed, "It's red and shiny."

"Sounds cute."

"My baby is not cute," Leo growled.

Shane didn't know anything about motorbikes, but even he could tell that
she was something special; he watched in amusement as Leo oiled and
polished her lovingly.

"What's her name?"

Leo mumbled something under his breath.

"What was that?"

"Angel. Her name's angel."

Shane couldn't help the burst of laughter that escaped him, "Why would
you...?"

"I was twenty one when Paul gave her to me, okay?" Leo explained
earnestly. "Our first album debuted at number one, and the he brought her
here with this huge fucking bow. I thought she looked like a demon on
wheels, you know all tough and fierce... and red."

"So you named her angel because..."

"It seemed clever at the time; a demon named angel," he shrugged again; "I
was twenty one, go figure."

Shane laughed, "Aww... that's so cute."

Leo gave him the finger.

They hit the road soon after, although not without some cajoling from Leo.

"What if I fall off?" he'd asked, staring at the massive red, black and
chrome motorcycle.

"Not if you hold on to me."

He was nervous as hell when he got on, clutching tightly to Leo's
midriff. Leo patted his hands reassuringly, "You okay back there?"

"No," he yelled into Leo's ear.

Leo chuckled, "Ready or not," and the bike was off like a shot.

It was nerve-racking and exhilarating, at the same time. Once they got on
to the open road, he laughed as the wind blew through against their bodies,
and he was finally comfortable enough to release his chokehold on Leo.

Leo kept to his promise of showing him his old neighborhood including the
house he'd lived in, and the parks he'd played in as a child. Later, they'd
stopped at a little hole in the wall Chinese restaurant where they'd had
the best Kung Pao chicken Shane had ever tasted.

It was past midnight when they finally returned to Leo's home. Shane could
almost swear that in the month he'd spent with Leo, he could count on one
hand, the number of times he'd seen daylight.

When the bike stopped Shane realized just how fast they had been going; his
heart pounded as blood rushed into his ears. He welcomed the silence as he
got off the bike while Leo kicked the stand down.

Tugging off his helmet, he commented, "I still can't believe you own a home
only in St. Louis."

Leo raked a hand through his sweaty hair, "And where would I live?
Hollywood? Beverly Hills? I'm not that kind of guy. I rent some
condo-hotels when I'm on tour or working... otherwise, I come here."

It made sense. Every time Shane thought he was done uncovering the mystery
of Leo Malone, he went and did something that made Shane realize there were
still many more layers to discover.

Shane smiled, "I like that you're not that kind of guy."

Leo blushed.

It was rare to see him color up at Shane's words. Shane thought that he
would have to tease him more often.

Leo pushed open the front door, and held out a hand to Shane.

"Come on, I want to show you something."

He led Shane through the large foyer, up a flight of stairs, and then
another flight until they came to a door.

Leo paused for a moment, looked back at him and smiled shyly.

Shane wondered just what was going on.

When Leo pushed open the door, Shane realized that they were on some sort
of rooftop deck.

The wind was blowing hard and he was glad he was still wearing his leather
jacket.  He let go of his lover's hand to walk to the balcony where he
looked down on the expansive grounds of Leo's home; security lights shone
brightly, illuminating the manicured lawn and sculpted hedges.

He looked up to stare at the stars in the night sky, "It's so beautiful
here. I've never seen so many stars; in New York, I see two or three if I'm
lucky."

After a few moments, he sighed, "I can't believe I head back tomorrow."

Hearing nothing from Leo, he looked back to see what he was doing and
gasped in surprise.

Leo had gone down on one knee. His left hand hung loosely from the pocket
of his leather jacket while his right clutched a black velvet box. With
Shane's attention on him, he popped it open to reveal a gleaming silver
ring.

Shane walked in a daze to meet him.

"I don't understand," he said softly.

Leo smiled shyly, "I know it's sort of a gimmick... and it's clichιd... all
we're missing is champagne, and roses, and me reciting a poem to you. Well,
really it'd be a song because itf I was going to write anything, I would
write a song not a poem. Although, some songs can be poems and poems can be
songs and you'd never even know the difference..."

"Shut up," Shane said, laughing as he sank down to the floor next to Leo,
"you're babbling."

"Okay," Leo said, just as Shane pushed him down so he could straddle his
waist before leaning forward and covering his lips with his. The kiss was
long and hard and Shane rocked his hips downward to press on Leo's
hardening cock. After a few moments, he pulled back from Leo, panting
loudly as he got up to shrug off his jacket, and undress quickly.

"What are you...?"

Shane hushed Leo as he crouched back over him, pushing him back down on the
ground and straddling him once again. He needed to express something to Leo
that he wasn't sure words could capture. The only way he could think to
communicate right now, was by making love.


He sank down on his knees; low enough to rub his crotch against Leo's denim
clad one. He lifted his weight slightly so he could reach under him to
unbutton his lover's jeans and release his cock from the layers of fabric
restraining him.

He spat in his hand, stroking Leo's thick length before sucking on his
finders and reaching behind to work himself open. His finger slid into his
opening easily, his muscles lax and looser than he'd expecting... it's no
surprise, though, since he and Leo keep fucking like bunnies. He moistened
his fingers again, before sliding them once more into the warm heat of his
ass.

Leo was looking up at him, eyes heavy lidded with lust, as he stroked. He
brought his hand up to Shane's mouth, pushing his fingers inside, in
wordless demand. Shane sucked obediently, wetting Leo's fingers and
releasing them, so Leo could wrap his moistened fingers around his cock.

When Shane thought he was sufficiently open, he pushed away Leo's hand,
which was wrapped around his cock, and took hold of it. He rested back and
focused on sliding Leo's slick cock into his hole. He eased downwards
slowly, his scooting his knees closer on either side of Leo's ribs.

It was a slow burn. It'd been a long time since he'd taken a cock almost
dry. He shifted, sitting back further with one hand on Leo's stomach for
support. He felt full already, but he still had some length to go.

He paused for a few moments when he felt Leo's hands slide up his thighs.

"You okay?" Leo asked.

"Gimme a sec," he gasped.

After a short while, he swiveled his hips and nodded to Leo who arched up
so that Shane could slide down.

"Shane," Leo groaned in a hushed tone, watching his lover's body gleaming
with sweat in the moonlight. He reached up to get his hand around Shane's
cock, jerking it with quick motions.

Shane lifted his hips experimentally, trying to figure out how much he
could take, and moaning with each thrust. The burn was slowly giving way to
pleasure as he began a stilted rhythm, riding Leo up and down. In no time,
Leo was working with him, his hips arching up to push his cock into Shane,
just as Shane slid down to take every thrust.

They didn't last long. Leo pulled Shane's cock to completion until cum
splattered all over his fingers and chest. Shane's ass clenched tightly
around him, and Leo followed soon after, pleasure curling through him as
his thrusts lost their rhythm and he released his essence in side Shane.
"Fuck," Shane groaned, shuddering as Leo rolled his hips upward. He reached
forward for his lover, wincing when Leo's cock slipped free with a filthy
sound.

They laid there in silence, covered in seat and cum until Leo broke the
silence, "You still haven't said yes."

Shane sighed, rolling half onto the floor. He reached for his shirt, using
it to wipe sweat and cum glistening on his skin before throwing it to Leo,
who was still fully dressed, save for his open fly.

He sat there in the dark, naked and vulnerable even as his heart lurched
painfully for what he was about to do.

He reached for the velvet box, neglectfully cast aside in the throes of
lust. It represented everything he'd wanted.

The ring was silver, maybe platinum, he wasn't sure; really didn't know
much about ring. There were several diamonds embedded in it and he guessed
it was pretty expensive. It looked like it would fit. He didn't try it on,
not when he knew he would not be able to take it off.

He glanced up at Leo, "What does it mean?"

Leo had cleaned up and tucked himself back in. He moved closer to Shane,
drawing his hand into his and placed a soft kiss on his knuckles, "Whatever
you want it to mean."

Shane sighed, "I want it to mean everything."

"Then it does."

Shane's breath caught for a moment, staring at Leo. He looked so young
right now. How old was he again... twenty four, twenty five... what did he
know?

He shut the velvet box; it felt so heavy in his hands. He pushed it back
into Leo's with the words, "It doesn't mean everything."

Leo glanced down at the rejected box. When he looked back up, Shane could
barely stand to take in the hurt in the eyes.

"You're saying no?" Leo asked quietly.

Shane shook his head, "I'm saying you don't know what I'm asking of me."

Leo pushed the box aside, taking Shane's hand in his again, "The ring
represents a commitment. I told you before, that I would give you
everything and that's what I'm offering, if you would do the same."

Shane sighed. This was it; He had to be honest, he couldn't not tell Leo
what had been weighing down on him from the very first time they'd gotten
together until now. It'd been one of the first things Jenny had pointed out
when she found out who he was seeing.

He laughed bitterly, pulling his hand out of Leo's grip "Leo, you want to
give me everything? You can't even give me a date."

Leo's expression became wary at Shane's words.

"The time I've spent with you, it's been wonderful, but it's been thirty
days of night," he paused, looking around the deck and then up into the
night sky.

"We go out only in the cover of darkness. We hide our relationship like
we're doing something wrong... we're not. We can't I kiss in public the way
Joni used to. Why can't you hold me when we're out the way you held the
others."

Leo was expressionless as he listened to Shane's words, "So what are you
saying?"

"I can't go back into the closet. Not for you, not for anyone else."

Leo shook his head and said flatly, "I'm not asking you to go back in the
goddamn closet..."

"So what do you want then," Shane cut in sharply; he was near tears, angry
at himself that he was rejecting Leo, not after everything they'd been
through. But resolved, that he was doing the right.

"You give me a ring that you say means everything but how could it mean
everything when we can't acknowledge what we have. So you'd go about your
life like you're single? And I'd go lie to everyone I know that I don't
know you? That your ring means nothing to me... or that it's a gift from a
friend?"

Leo wanted to speak but Shane cut him off quickly. He had too much to get
off his chest, couldn't let Leo persuade him into this.

"And then what happens when we're caught. Some paparazzo gets a photo of us
kissing and then what? You deny it..."

"I'd never deny you," Leo said.

Shane shook his head, scoffing, "So then, what would you do?"

Leo kept silent.

Shane wiped a tear that had suddenly sprung. What the fuck, why was he
crying? He was doing the right fucking thing, so why was he breaking down.

"And so if it takes ten, twenty, forty years before anyone found out about
us... you'd be okay with that? You'd be okay with hiding us for that long?
You would stand to be in the closet for years... I thought you didn't give
a shit about what anyone thought. I know it's your career, and it could get
ruined, but fuck..."

Shane swallowed hard, fighting hard to maintain his composure, "If you're
going to choose your career, I would have to choose myself."

Leo's eyes bore into Shane, as he watched his near hysterical lover,
"You're blowing this up, Shane disproportionately. It's just a ring; it
means a lot of things – we're committed, we love each other, we don't
stray..."

"So you're saying it doesn't have to mean everything?"

"No, but..."

"So then, it means everything?"

Leo went silent.

Shane was thoughtful when he spoke next, "You would be content to let Perez
Hilton or some other slime ball determine our fate?"

When Leo didn't respond, Shane shook his head, "No, not after how hard
we've fought for this thing. If it's worth it to you, if it means
everything to you... if you would almost give up your life for this... then
you or I deserve to choose our fates."

Shane got up and put on his jeans. He thought back to his conversation with
Dominic. He hadn't, until now, realized just what Dom meant by being
passive. He had been passive for so long; with Drew and now with Leo.

"I'm not going to let a tabloid magazine determine our happy ending. We get
to do that, not them."

Shane wished once again, that there was a director who would call, `cut' so
they could re-do everything that just happened. Or a screenwriter, who
could rewrite the scene, more jokes, less angst and of course, a happy
ending.

He walked by Leo, to pick up his shirt, glancing at his lover briefly "I
think it's okay to be selfish. I say, screw the world and do what you
want...hell, do what I want. Just don't let the choice to be with me become
your default choice when the Enquirer gets a photo of us."

He nudged away the velvet box with his foot as he walked away, "Maybe I'm
asking too much... I know I'm being selfish. I want to be selfish...just
give me the ring when it means everything."



To be continued.



**********



Thanks for reading. The final chapter will be posted in early September.

One thought on this chapter, I'm really quite pleased with Shane in this
one. I think he's grown in a way I'm really proud of. And for those who
wondered about Dominic, well, I hope this chapter shed some light on the
role he plays in Shane's life, a role which Jenny just couldn't play.

I'm far behind on emails; I apologize, life sort of got in the way. I do
intend to respond to every single one, so please keep them coming.

jayse@mindless.com