Date: Fri, 18 Jun 2004 01:40:48 -0400 From: Jason Leigh Subject: Up Close and Personal- Chapter 5 The story is fiction. It isn't based on any real characters, events, places and situations. There is no relationship between the names used and that of any real person. CHAPTER 5: One of the less known problems of being a star was that there were very few people in the world to whom Leo could speak frankly. When he did get the chance to speak to someone, he found it very hard. With Paul, Leo could be himself ... he could tell him anything ... or so he'd thought. Admitting that he had a problem with drugs and alcohol was easy, admitting that he'd just had sex with a man was not and what made it worse was the fact that he couldn't get that man out of his head ... and he just tried to kill himself over him. Okay granted he hadn't really been trying to kill himself, he knew a couple of more efficient ways of doing the job and in retrospect, taking those pills had been stupid but damn it, he hadn't expected Shane's boyfriend to pick up the phone. In fact he'd never even considered that Shane might have a boyfriend. Shane hadn't said anything about a boyfriend ... actually none of them said much about anything that night. Who the fuck was this Drew anyway? Had he been with Shane all along? Why didn't Shane say something when he first kissed him? If he'd known there was someone else in the picture he would've backed down ... maybe he wouldn't have backed down but at least he'd have thought twice before kissing him. Well they both had something in common anyway; cheating on their partners. Not that he ever considered Joni a real girlfriend; she was more of a toy to him. Someone to keep him warm at night, someone to drape on his arm at public occasions ... he'd known that the relationship was over for a long time, but Shane certainly helped to speed things up a bit. Shane wasn't supposed to be with anyone except him ... Fuck! Where did that come from? The tabloids would have a field day with that one... Did he really want Shane? It could just be a phase ... everyone has some sexual experience with a member of the same sex, right? And it didn't mean that they were gay, did it? He still looked at women more often than he looked at guys. Actually, besides Shane he couldn't think of any other guy he'd ever wanted sexually. So what did that make him...? He didn't know and he really didn't care. "Leo...? Leo...?" Leo blinked, coming out of his reverie. He glanced at Paul, "Huh?" "Do you want to talk about what's going on?" replied Paul. "You don't have to say anything you don't want to Leo." "It's so fucking hard," Leo said softly. "What? Being in love?" He shook his head. "No, talking about ... everything." "Then don't." "No, I want to... I didn't mean for anything to happen when I went over to his Hotel...I thought that maybe ... actually I wasn't thinking of what I was going to do or say ... I just knew if I didn't go, I would never see him again and I couldn't let that happen." He paused, and then sighed deeply, "Damn, I need a smoke." Paul shook his head "You can't ... not in the hospital." Leo nodded and continued, "The chemistry between us was so ... intense ... but during the interview, he was so fucking efficient and ... oblivious to the effect he was having on me, I thought at first I was imagining it so I hoped he would give me a sign or something but he didn't ... and I found his pen when he left and I thought to myself, that's got to be the sign I'm waiting for. So ... I ...went there... and I ... gave him the pen and he was surprised that I brought it but I could see in his eyes that he wanted to say something more ... his eyes are ocean blue I think ... have you ever noticed how expressive they are... it's as if they reveal everything he feels and thinks ... and ... Oh shit ... Where was I? Yeah ... I ... uhh... I kissed him and ... I ... uhhh ..." "I'm sure I can guess what happened next," interrupted Paul with a slight grin on his face. "But I still don't see what the problem is?" "Yeah... the problem... that was the next morning. You see, I woke up ... and I was in bed ... with a man ... and this was different ... I didn't know what to do ... I was scared I had to get outta there, so I left ... I did leave a note though ...I said I was sorry" "Oh!" said Paul in small voice. "You left a note ... Yeah that makes it so much better..." "I know ... It was a mistake ... but I was terrified ... and I thought that if I just left, I could act like it never happened ... and Joni... I thought if I took her with me, it would make things better ... but it didn't. I couldn't stop thinking about him ... and what I did ... and I wanted to call him ... but I didn't and I thought if I could just go one day without thinking about him, everything would be okay, but I couldn't and I knew it wasn't fair to Joni so I ended that ... and I realized that I just wanted to be with him and I didn't care anymore that he was a guy ... and I was attracted to a guy ... and I didn't care what anyone thought because I'd never felt that way before ... with anyone ... and I thought I'd call him and everything would fall in place ... everything would be just perfect ... but his boyfriend picked the fucking phone ..." Leo stopped as he felt a sudden flash of pain in his forehead that slowly turned into a dull throb. "Are you okay?" asked Paul worriedly. Leo managed a bitter smile and said "Yeah, I'm okay ... my head hurts but ... I'm okay." Now that he'd started talking, he didn't want to stop. He wanted to let it all out. It hurt, but he knew he'd feel better after. He glanced around the hospital room, taking in the surroundings for the first time. The place was papered in some sort of cheery yellow and green pattern, which was supposed to give the illusion of warmth and happiness. But Leo couldn't block out all the depressing medical equipment around him, especially the I.V stand right next to his bed. The hands of the clock showed him only ten minutes had passed since he'd started talking. He began slowly, "I couldn't believe it... I'd just broken up with Joni ... and I was ready ... but he didn't care ... he didn't fucking care ... he'd gone on with his life like nothing had ever happened ... and there I was ... thinking that we had a chance ... I had never been so sure of anything in my life..." "Did you talk to him?" asked Paul. "No, but..." "Then why are you so sure ..." "He's with someone else now, don't you fucking understand," replied Leo heatedly, his voice getting louder. "He would've called if he wanted to be with me ... he would've come ... and he could've found a way ... if he really wanted ... me." "I don't get this Leo. You went after him and then you left him ... for your girlfriend I might add. You haven't spoken to him but you're so damn sure he doesn't want you, although he's called me twice about you." Leo shook his head, "It's not that simple ..." "This isn't like you," interrupted Paul. You never take no for an answer, you always get what you want but now you're giving up so easily. I remember when you first saw Joni, last year on that magazine cover. You went after her like your whole life depended on it ... the flowers, the gifts ... Wasn't she dating someone else at the time?" "I didn't care about Joni." replied Leo. "No... I did... but not like this, not the way I feel about ... It didn't matter if she was with someone else ... she wasn't important, it didn't matter ..." Paul raised his eyebrow in surprise, "Well now, that makes a lot of sense. You didn't want Joni, but you went after her anyway. And now you want Shane, but you're not gonna go after him ... Am I missing something here?" Leo shook his head in exasperation. "I can't go back ... not after what I did ... he's over it ... he doesn't want me, he probably can't remember who I am ... I shouldn't have left ... I knew it was wrong but I left anyway ... And I'm sure he's happy now ..." "Sometimes the best things in life are mistakes ... maybe leaving was a good thing ... You've got to get over it ..." "What if I don't want to get over it?" "I don't know where you're going with this Leo. You want him or you don't. It's easy ... Why don't you just come out and say what's really on your mind" "Huh?" "You're going around in circles over this, you know the answer ... you want Shane, even if you can't admit that to yourself ... the question is why can't you?" "I don't understand what you're ..." "You're in love with Shane ... So are you gay? Bi?" "What?!" "Well are you?" "What?" Gay? Hell No!" Paul persisted, "In love with Shane? ... Maybe?" "Fuck no!" "So you regret ... being with him?" "No, but ..." "You regret ... leaving him?" "Yeah, but ..." "And you left Joni for him because you thought you two had a chance ...?" "Yes, but it didn't mean ..." "And you just tried to kill yourself because he's with someone else now...?" Leo frowned and began to reply, and then stopped. He tried again "I didn't ..." then he stopped again. He turned away from Paul and stared intently at the pale blue sheets covering him on the bed. His knuckles turned white as his grip on the sheets tightened. Paul watched him in silence, and then stood up, "I think I'll go get the doctor." Leo made no attempt to stop him. He was thinking, trying to make sense of what Paul just said. He couldn't be in love, could he? With Shane? The sex had been great... okay it'd been the best sex he'd ever had ... but love? Why couldn't he stop thinking abut him. He knew he wanted Shane, sexually ... but love? He was supposed to fall head over heels in love with a woman ... like Joni ... but he'd left her ... Did it mean ... No, it didn't mean anything, did it? Did he really try to kill himself because of Shane ... No, he'd been depressed a long time, he was unhappy, he was ... in love? No, why would he kill himself anyway, he was rich ... he was ... uhh ... he was ... uhh ... okay at least he had one good thing on his side, he was filthy rich ... yeah ... he could also get any woman he wanted ... and ... he was rich ... oh, he'd counted that already. Two reasons, he had two reasons why he wasn't in love with Shane and why he hadn't tried to kill himself because of him. That was it ... Shane was really attractive and the sex was great ... that didn't make him gay ... he was normal ... he wasn't in love with Shane ... Why did he feel like he was trying to convince himself? ... Why was he still thinking about Shane? "Oh Leo, baby!" "Oh Shit!" thought Leo as he turned around. "I came as soon as I could. How are you? Oh, you look terrible. I've been here for hours and the stupid nurses refused to tell me what room you were in. There's an army of reporters outside, some annoying bitch asked me if we were still together ... how dare she? And the photographers ... I just had to stop for some pictures ... but I got in as fast as I could ... and I've been waiting for hours ... I was so lucky to see Paul and I knew that I'd finally get to see you ... Oh you look absolutely terrible." "Joni! What are you doing here?" asked Leo, immediately he could get a word in. Joni smiled, and tossed her long blonde hair then bent over to kiss his forehead. Leo tried to move his head, but it was against the pillow, so she kissed his temple instead. "Ohhh... you're so warm ..." "What are you doing here?" Leo repeated. "In New York?" She unbuttoned her coat to reveal a short black dress. She draped the coat on the chair and then walked over to the bed and took a seat on his side. "Well you see, there's a Calvin Klein show tomorrow and ..." "No!" interrupted Leo. "Here! Why are you here? What do you want?" A flash of pain went over Joni. She grasped Leo's hand in hers and said "I know it's been hard on you ... it's been hard on me too ... but we'll get over it ..." "What are you talking about?" "Us ... I know we should be together... you know it too. We can start over again ... I was so scared when I heard about you last night ... I was at dinner with Sharon ... you know Sharon? ... And she asked me how you were, and I said fine, and she said hadn't I heard what happened? And I said no, so she told me ... and I was terrified that you were going to die ... and then I knew we should never have broken up ... we should be together Leo. I know you made a mistake, I'm willing to forget it ... I've missed you so much ..." Leo stared at Joni, his eyes wide in shock. Had she just said what he thought she said? Was she serious? Was she crazy? "Joni..." He began, "I don't think ... You shouldn't have ..." Joni pulled his hands to her lips and kissed them softly. She raised her eyes to his and said "Don't say something you're going to regret Leo. I'm here now. It's gonna be alright." He watched her in silence. She leaned over and put her hand to his cheek. "You're so pale", she whispered. Her index finger traced the curve of his cheek, and then moved to his lips. Her breath was coming in short pants as she moved her face closer to his. With her lips only inches away from his, Leo blurted out quickly, "I don't want you, Joni!" She stopped. She let go of his hands and bit down on her lip. "I know you don't mean that ... Tell me you don't mean that." Leo shook his head, "I'm sorry." Tears began to form in her eyes, "I love you. I want to be with you. I know you feel the same way too." She reached out to touch his cheek again. This time, he moved away. "I don't understand. We were fine ... We were doing fine ... And then in Tokyo, you turned cold on me and I knew ... I knew something was wrong ..." She stopped, tears streaming down her face as she gulped in some air. "Is it me? Why don't you want me? Is there ... someone else? Are you in love with someone else?" "No! I don't know ... We're not meant to be ... I'm not the one for you Joni." "Why? Did I do something wrong?" Leo cupped her face in his hands. "No ... It's not you. It's me. You're beautiful and you're smart and you're funny... and I don't deserve you ... You'll meet someone else better than me ... I'm sorry ..." Joni hiccupped as she pushed Leo's hands off her face, "I should never have come here ... I feel like such a fool ..." She got off the bed and grabbed her coat, "I still love you Leo. I hope you find what you're looking for ... but if you ever change your mind ..." Leo smiled "Thanks." Joni walked out the room, shutting the door softly behind her. Leo leaned back on the pillow, his head pounding badly. He'd been awake barely two hours, but it felt much longer. He shut his eyes, pressing them tight as he remembered Joni's words, "I hope you find what you're looking for..." How was he going to find it, if he didn't even know what he was looking for? He opened his eyes as Paul came in with a middle aged balding man wearing a whit coat. He glared at Paul angrily "Why did you ...?" "Sorry Leo," interrupted Paul. "She wasn't going to leave until she saw you." The doctor grinned as he approached Leo's bed. "Hi, Mr. Malone ... I'm Dr Campbell ... How are you doing?" Leo shifted his glare from Paul to the doctor, "How the fuck do you think I'm doing?" Paul held back a chuckle as the grin went off the doctor's face slowly, "Yeah" he thought, "Leo was doing just fine." *********** Shane stood in the window and looked down at Drew as he headed to work. He'd pretended to be asleep until Drew left. They hadn't talked since yesterday, when he'd pushed Drew off him. By the time he'd finally gotten thought to Paul on the phone, and he'd gone back to the bedroom, Drew was asleep. He felt guilty about that. No regret, just guilt. He`d been scared to death at the thought that Leo might be dead ... or dying at the same time he and Drew would've been making love. He would do it again if he had to ... only maybe this time, he'd be gentler when pushing Drew. A smile came to his lips as he remembered Drew's surprised expression. No one had ever interrupted a blow job from Drew, that's for sure. He bent over to pick up Jasmine, who was desperately trying to get his attention by pawing at his leg, and walked to kitchen, where he poured himself lukewarm coffee, leftover from Drew's breakfast. He returned to the room, humming to himself when he noticed the note on the bed. "Shit!" he thought. "What was it with him and notes. Why was he always getting them? Couldn't people find other ways to communicate with him? From past experience, he knew this couldn't be good. He stared at it thoughtfully, debating whether or not to read it. His name was scrawled on the top, in Drew's writing. That couldn't be good either; Drew's writing was usually very neat and legible. Scrawling usually meant he was angry ... very angry. Finally, he reached over and unfolded the note slowly. He let out his breath slowly as he read it. "We need to talk tonight, Drew" He tossed the note on the floor, and then began stripping off his clothes as he went into the bathroom. He turned on the shower and waited for the water to get hot. "What am I doing?" He thought aloud. He was close to ruining his relationship, with someone who wanted to be with him, for someone who didn't want him. He stepped inside and let the water run over him. There was no harm in being concerned about Leo's well being, was there? After all, he`d had sex with him. A one stand, the first in his whole life, and he still couldn't get over it. Did oral sex qualify as a one night stand ... hmmm... he wasn't too sure ... Maybe he should tell Drew about it. He hadn't cheated on him ... their relationship had been over at that time. No, that was a bad idea. Drew probably won't be too happy about it. He would apologize to Drew tonight, tell him he didn't know what he'd been thinking when he'd pushed him off ... he'd tell him ... How the hell did people get over one night stands anyway, it didn't make sense to him. You have sex with someone and never think about them again? How do you do that? How was Leo doing it? Well his life couldn't be going too well if he'd just OD'd yesterday, thought Shane bitterly. Okay, where was he ... Drew ... what was he going to tell him? Would it really be so bad if he ended it with Drew once and for all ... Did he really want to ... He liked the way things with Drew, It helped to keep his mind off Leo ... Did Leo ever think about him at all? Just once? He stepped out of the shower, wrapping a towel around him. With his blonde hair still wet and his body throbbing with heat from the shower, Shane fell across the bed. Why couldn't things be simple? Shane meets Leo. Shane and Leo fall in love. Shane and Leo live happily ever after. That would've been perfect ... But no ... it just couldn't happen that way, could it... at least not in this lifetime. If he did come back in another life, he didn't think he'd want to meet Leo again. The experience was too intense ... too unreal ... too good to last. With a sigh, he got off the bed and prepared for work. *********** He headed straight to Jenny's office as soon as he got there. Knocking softly on the door, he waited for an answer but there was none. So he opened the door and went in. Jenny was sitting astride someone on the couch. Her T-shirt was rolled up to reveal a lacy black bra and she was hurriedly trying to unbutton the shirt of the man beneath her. Shane cleared his throat noisily to reveal his presence. "Oh God!" yelped Jenny as she jumped off the couch in surprise and pulled down her shirt. Mark stood up quickly and began buttoning up his shirt. "Shane! What are you doing here?" "I'm sorry ..." "Why didn't you knock?" "I did ... you guys were ... busy ... I thought ..." "Oh shut up!" said Jenny, her face turning red in embarrassment. She turned to Mark angrily, "Why didn't you lock the door?" "I thought I did," he replied awkwardly. "I ... umm... I've gotta go. I ... umm ... I'll see you later." He made for the door when Shane stopped him, barely able to contain his laughter, "Your shirt's buttoned all wrong." Mark blushed even deeper and mumbled, "Thanks," before he rushed out. "I hope you're happy now," said Jenny resentfully to Shane as she made for her desk. "Happy? Why would I be?" said Shane with a wide grin. "It was funny though ... watching both of you in the throes of passion, scrambling for your clothes." Jenny replied, "We didn't scramble for our clothes Shane, because we were fully dressed. And anyway, we hadn't even reached the "throes of passion" yet." "We'd only just begun ... If only you'd waited a few minutes ...," She added under her breath. "What was that?" asked Shane. "Oh nothing ..." "You should be more careful Jenny ... Anyone could've walked in ... and I'm sure there are rules against ..." "Oh you're such a prude, Shane ...What do you want anyway?" She asked crossly as she turned on her computer. "Do I need a reason to come see my best friend?" "At 9a.m in the morning? I think you do. You just interrupted a very important part of my day so you'd better have a good reason." "I need your advice on something ..." "Shoot." "It's about ..." began Shane, and then he noticed something "You look kinda different?" "Different? How so?" She answered distractedly as she began typing. "Oh yeah ... my hair ... I had it cut yesterday... You like?" "Yeah ... It's umm ... different." Her red hair which usually fell way down her back, now barely touched her shoulders. "Mark likes it. He thought I'd look better with shorter hair." "Ahh, the things we do for love," said Shane. Jenny jerked her head away from the monitor to stare at him, "Love? Who said anything about love? This, my dear Shane, is pure lust." She grabbed a pack of bubble gum and offered him a stick. He shook his head in reply. Popping two sticks in her mouth, she said, "I cut my hair, but that doesn't mean I'm in love with him. We talked about that already and we like it just the way it is. Our relationship's fun and exciting ... no strings attached." "No strings attached?" "You're such a romantic Shane. You attach importance to the most irrelevant things. You've gotta learn to let go ... relax ... All relationships don't have to be some intense and emotional love affair. The best thing to do is keep it simple ... like we are. Technically we're not dating; we're just friends ... with benefits." "Besides," She continued, "Some wise person told me that relationships based on intense experiences don't work. You've got to base them on sex." She nearly had Shane convinced when he remembered something and burst out laughing, "That line's from a movie, Jenny." Jenny joined in his laughter, "It was, wasn't it? It's still true though. You should try it sometime Shane; mind-blowing, impersonal sex." "How could sex between two people be impersonal?" "Oh God. Don't get me started again. You're too emotional, just forget it. What did you want? You said you needed advice?" "Oh yeah, I did. It's ... umm ... It's Drew and I ... we had a..." Jenny flashed him an evil smile, "Trouble in paradise?" Shane ignored her, "I did something really stupid last night. I don't regret it, but he's angry and I know I should apologize but ..." "What did you do?" "Uhhh ... That's not important ... I don't know what to ..." "Sex." "What?" "Make-up sex ... It's the best way to say you're sorry without really being sorry." "I don't think that's such a good idea ..." "It worked fine with me and Alex." "Now I see why that ended in a divorce." "Fine, why do you bother asking anyway? You never take my advice." "Make-up sex? I don't think so. I was thinking more in terms of ..." "Believe me Shane. Nothing says I'm sorry like sex ...Try it. Talking brings up more problems ... and it's boring. Seduce him; Drew's got a stick so far up his ass, he probably needs ..." Shane interrupted her, "Thanks a lot Jenny." She grinned at him "Anytime." *********** Drew stared blankly at the door in front of him. He briefly considered turning around and going to crash over at a friend's place, but he remembered the note he'd left for Shane. They had to talk, but he didn't feel up to it. He was exhausted; he'd left for work earlier than usual and stayed overtime, in an effort to delay his inevitable return back home. With a sigh, he turned his key and pushed the door open. The apartment was dark. He hoped Shane wasn't home. He walked to the bedroom, "Oh no," he thought. There were sounds coming from in there. Strange though, it seemed the lights weren't on. He went in and there were candles lit all around the room. An ice bucket was near the bed with a bottle of champagne in it. "What's going on?" he wondered to himself. Shane appeared from the bathroom, "Drew!" he said in surprise "What's going on?" He asked Shane. Shane said nothing; he moved close to Drew and reached for him. "Here goes nothing," he thought to himself. He brushed his lips against Drew's and pulled him to the bed. He felt the bed dip under their combined weight as he reached for Drew's shirt, fumbling with the buttons and pulling him closer. He could smell Drew's aftershave and feel his breath on his face. "Shane, what are you ...?" began Drew. "Shhh ...,"whispered Shane. He hoped he was doing this right. He should probably have gotten a few pointers from Jenny. His hands were clumsy as he tried to undo the buttons on Drew's shirt. Finally in a fit of frustration, he yanked the front of the shirt hard. Several buttons popped off and hit the floor. They both paused and watched the buttons bounce onto the carpeted floor. "This was never my favorite shirt," Drew said. Shane smiled and covered Drew's mouth once more; kissing him deeply, slipping his tongue into his mouth. Everything seemed to be happening quickly. Drew was only vaguely aware of Shane pushing his hands into his pants and caressing his butt. Drew was already hard but as Shane`s hand moved closer to his dick, he felt it inflate even more. Shane flipped them both over so he was on top, and then he pulled off Drew's pants and briefs. He kissed Drew on the lips, and then moved down, kissing his neck and chest. Drew couldn't believe how aroused he already. Shane had done nothing but kiss him and he ready to shoot. He couldn't remember anything he'd planned to say. Any anger he'd had, seemed to have faded away. Shane kissed his way downward and took Drew's erect dick into his mouth. Drew moaned out loud, "Oh God, Shane that feels so good." Shane took it all in is mouth, sucking deeply on it as he moved his head up and down. He ran his tongue around the base and then took it into his mouth again. Drew whimpered out loud, "If you don't stop Shane, I'm gonna cum." Shane released Drew's dick, now wet and slippery with his saliva, and then he leaned over to the nightstand drawer. He grabbed a tube of lube and squeezed a large amount on his fingers. He applied it to his hole while Drew watched him intently, his dark eyes shining in the dark. "Are you ready?" "Yeah," said Shane as he lay on the other side of the bed and Drew climbed on top of him. He spread Shane's legs apart and positioned himself in between. He leaned down and kissed Shane gently, watching his facial expressions as he pushed his dick into Shane. Shane winced slightly as Drew eased his way all the in. Drew lay down fully on top of him and paused. They were still for a few moments until Shane said "I'm okay." Drew gently pulled out a little, as Shane wrapped his arms around him, and then he pushed back in and began to pump slowly. His rhythm became faster as Shane raised his hips to meet his thrusts. They were both moaning out loud now, the bed shaking with their movements. After a few minutes, Shane felt Drew push in a little deeper as his dick expanded and he knew he was shooting deep inside him. "Oh God, Shane," gasped Drew, as he continued to pump in out until he finally collapsed with exhaustion, on top of Shane. He was panting heavily, and they were both covered in sweat. They lay in silence for a while, and then Drew raised himself on his elbow. Shane's eyes were closed; it seemed he was falling asleep. Drew leaned down and kissed his lips gently. "I love you, Shane." Shane's eyes fluttered open briefly and then closed again, "I love you too, Leo." "Oh Shit," he thought when he realized his mistake. He opened his eyes slowly. Drew was gaping at him in shock, "Leo?" Shane stared at him, cursing himself in silence. Sitting up slowly, Drew's eyes narrowed first in confusion and then anger. He asked again slowly, "Who ... the ... fuck ... is ... Leo ... ?" ... To be continued. Thoughts? Questions? Comments? amabfab@hotmail.com