Date: Sun, 07 Nov 2004 13:34:55 -0500
From: Jason Leigh <jayse@mindless.com>
Subject: Up Close and Personal- Chapter 7

The story is fiction. It isn't based on any real characters, events, places
and situations. There is no relationship between the names used and that of
any real person.


CHAPTER 7


	Shane wanted Leo. Badly. He could feel Leo's fingers pressing into
his back, pushing his shirt up. He began trailing kisses along Leo's jaw
line, down his neck and across his throat. Leo's hands were all over his
chest now. They brushed over his nipples lightly and he moaned as he bit
down on Leo's neck. He moved back and took off his shirt quickly. Leo
pulled him forward and Shane wrapped his hands around him, enjoying the
feel of Leo's lean body against his. His hands moved down and found Leo's
belt buckle. He paused. He knew that if the pants came off, there was no
turning back. He'd been waiting for this, for so long. So what was holding
him back now?

	Leo sensed his hesitation and put his left hand over Shane's hands.
Then his other hand on Shane's face, caressing his cheek softly and looking
into his eyes. Shane looked away. He'd been so sure he wanted this. What
was stopping him now? He sighed and leaned his head on Leo's shoulder. Leo
held him tightly. Shane wasn't sure how long they stayed that way; seconds
or maybe even minutes. He usually had control over his desires, but not
this time. He'd never felt this much compulsion to be with someone.

There was that small voice trying to tell him why he shouldn't do this. But
now that he'd stopped, he couldn't hear that voice anymore. All he heard,
or rather all he felt, was how much he wanted Leo. He hated feeling
conflicted, so he shut his eyes, and tried to evaluate the situation.

	So here he was in another man's arms. His boyfriend had left him,
temporarily, for the second time in six months. He was contemplating having
sex with a man who had suddenly shown up on his doorstep, after leaving him
without saying a word a month ago. He wasn't in love with his boyfriend but
he was in love with this person. He hadn't told this person that, but he'd
accidentally told his boyfriend.

Suddenly he remembered Jenny's words to him a while ago, "Shane, you're too
emotional ... all relationships don't have to be some intense and emotional
love affair ... try it sometime, mind blowing, impersonal sex." He wondered
how he was supposed to have "mind blowing, impersonal sex" when he was
already in love.

	Shane opened his eyes. It isn't possible to fall any deeper in love
with him, he thought. I guess I've got nothing to lose. His hands went back
down to Leo's belt and he unbuckled it. He kissed Leo's shoulder and began
trailing kisses again, up his neck and then his lips. He kissed him
once. He felt like he was drugged and briefly wondered if he was on
something. He didn't care because he was going in for more. He kissed Leo
again and again. Each kiss felt better than the last.

	Shane realized that they were still leaning against the door. He
pulled back and hooked two fingers on the belt loop of Leo's jeans. He
smiled and took a step backward; pulling Leo with him. Leo got the hint and
allowed himself to be pulled by Shane. They made their way slowly, in that
position, to the bedroom. Unaware of anything around them; Jasmine barking
at Leo, wondering who the stranger was, and the phone ringing continuously
until it ended with an angry Jenny leaving an urgent message for Shane on
his voice mail.

	The door shut softly behind them in Shane's bedroom. They took off
their remaining clothes quickly and then they came together; each one
longing for the other's touch. They kissed slowly, feeling no urgency to
rush. As Leo lowered Shane down to the bed, Shane was aware of the fact
that they hadn't said a word to each other. The room was dark and filled
with silence, except for the sounds of their breathing and occasional
moans. Leo pressed his body into Shane's, their erections grinding against
each other.

	Shane wrapped his legs around Leo and whispered urgently "Now ... I
want to feel you in me now." He arched upwards and ran his nails up and
down Leo's back.

	Leo moaned out in pleasure at the sensations Shane was producing in
him. He looked so beautiful lying there in his arms but he briefly wondered
if they weren't taking things a bit too fast. "Are you sure you want to do
this?" he asked as he lifted his head to look at Shane. In the dark, they
couldn't see much of each other.

	Shane considered it for a moment, and then he replied "Are you
afraid you'll hurt me?"

	Leo nodded.

	A sudden flash of anger went through Shane as he ran his fingers
through Leo's dark hair, and then pulled his face down until their lips
were almost touching, "Too late."

	Leo opened his mouth to respond but Shane covered it with
his. Their tongues moved slowly against one another, and then Shane
withdrew his tongue and began sucking on Leo's lower lip. Suddenly, Leo
jerked back in pain and stared in shock at Shane. He lifted his hand to his
lip, because Shane had just bitten down on it, drawing blood.

	Shane's blue eyes were glinting in the dark as a wicked smile
spread across his face. He leaned forward to Leo's ears and whispered in a
low sensual tone, "How does it feel to be on the receiving end?"

	Leo said nothing, trying to understand what Shane was feeling right
now. In his eyes, he could see Shane's love for him as well as his anger,
and he could feel the blood gathering on his lower lip.

	Shane lifted his head and stuck out his tongue, licking the blood
on Leo's lip. He ran his fingertips up and down Leo's back, and then he
said, "Get over yourself and your guilt. I'd like you to fuck me. Now."

	Leo felt himself getting harder because of Shane's words. Somewhere
at the back of his mind, he knew something was wrong. He realized that he
was thinking with his dick not his brain. He looked down at the tube of
lube Shane was offering him. He needed to stop this right now. Shane
wrapped his legs tighter around him and nibbled on the base of his neck.

	At that moment, Leo felt incredibly light headed. He suspected that
blood had stopped flowing into his brain, because his cock was harder than
it had ever been. He grabbed the lube.

	He applied it liberally on himself and then placed a moist finger
near Shane's rosebud. He moved his finger over it at first, teasing him
lightly, and then he inserted it slowly. He leaned down and kissed Shane's
stomach, then his navel and then followed the trail of hair until he got to
Shane's erection. His finger probed deeper as he slowly took Shane into his
mouth. He inserted another one and began pushing deeper into Shane's
passage and then pulling out.

	Shane moaned out in pleasure and pushed down on Leo's fingers,
"Uhhh. Leo, please. Don't stop."

	Leo ran his other hand up and down Shane's thigh as he took him in
deeper into his throat; licking and sucking him harder.

	Finally Shane called, "Oh fuck. Stop. I've got to ... feel you
... in me ...now."

	Leo pulled out his fingers gently and pushed Shane's legs farther
apart and placed himself on top of him. He pushed his penis to Shane's
entrance and paused for a split second.

	"What are you waiting for?" asked Shane.

	Leo pushed into the hot, moist, passage and paused. Waiting for
Shane to accommodate the head of his penis, he leaned down and kissed
him. Pushing his tongue against Shane's lips, he urged Shane to open up and
inserted his tongue into his mouth.

	They were panting into each other. One inhaling and another
exhaling the other one's breath. They were like one, joined together as
they stared into each other's eyes.


	Suddenly Shane thrust upwards, drawing Leo further into him than
Leo thought possible.

	"Fuck me," said Shane.

	Leo took that statement seriously. He pulled out slightly and then
slammed himself back into Shane.

	He was shocked at the force he'd just used, so he looked into
Shane's face searchingly, afraid that he'd hurt him. Instead he was
rewarded with a groan and then a smile.

	"Harder," said Shane finally, pushing back and wrapping his legs
even tighter around Leo's waist.

	Leo nodded and did as he was told.

*********


	At some point in the night, Shane had fallen asleep. He was awake
now; eyes wide open and staring into the darkness, unable to sleep
again. He'd been dreaming about Leo; Leo's voice, his touch, his scent, his
body covering his but the dream had been so vague. He was trying to make
sense of it but he couldn't. He'd woken up in a panic. Wondering if he
would lose Leo again ... wondering if Leo left already ... but he
hadn't. He could feel Leo's breath on his neck as he slept and his hand was
draped around his waist.

	The room was dark except for slivers of moonlight shining through
the windows. He looked around but he couldn't see a thing. He didn't like
the darkness or the silence. It was oppressing. He felt like the walls were
closing in on him and suddenly, he couldn't breathe. He closed his eyes,
took in a deep breath and exhaled softly. He needed some space; he needed
to get out of here, now. He moved Leo's hands gently and untangled himself
from his embrace. He got off the bed and felt for his jeans on the
floor. Their clothes were scattered everywhere and he couldn't make out
what was his. Finally he did. He slipped on his jeans, left the room and
shut the door softly behind him.

	He walked quickly to the first window he saw, pushed the blinds and
opened it then inhaled the fresh air. As he stared down at the city lights,
he smiled because he realized what just happened to him. He was having a
panic attack. He sighed softly. He'd just had the most amazing sex ever and
the man of his dreams was lying in his bed this very moment ... he should
be feeling like the king of the whole fucking world but here he was, having
a fucking panic attack. How typical, he thought.

	Suddenly, he felt two arms wrapped around his waist. Leo leaned
forward and nuzzled his neck. He ran his tongue lightly over Shane's
shoulder and neck then he kissed Shane's hair and murmured, "What're you
doing out here?"

	Shane instinctively leaned back into Leo before he could stop
himself. The arms pulled him in possessively and their bodies seemed to
mold into each other as they stood in silence until Leo asked again, "Is
everything okay?"

	Shane stiffened and moved out of Leo's arms. He turned around and
said, "You got what you came here for, so why are you still here?"

	He began walking away and then he turned around, "Are you waiting
for me to fall asleep before you leave? Don't do me any favors, Leo."

	He smiled at Leo, "Besides, I'm not sleepy. You might be stuck here
till morning, and we wouldn't want that, would we."

	He left behind a very puzzled looking Leo and went into the
kitchen, opened the refrigerator and grabbed a beer. He took a long swig
and watched in silence as Leo walked in. In the bright, lights of the
kitchen, Shane could see Leo's face much more clearly. His lip was red and
swollen from where he'd bit him earlier, and suddenly he felt guilty.

	He set down his beer and took a towel hanging on the wall. He got
some ice and placed them in the towel then he turned to Leo, "I need to put
this on your lip, it's swollen." Leo nodded as Shane placed a hand on his
neck and applied the towel to his lip softly, with his other hand. Leo
flinched, and stared into Shane's eyes as they came into contact. Shane
moved his eyes downwards. He knew he didn't have to do this, but he just
wanted to be close to Leo anyway he could. He didn't want to look into
Leo's eyes, but now, his eyes were resting on Leo's body; his chest was
moving up and down slowly with each breath he took, and Shane was
momentarily distracted. He felt his hand moving down as if it had a will of
its own. It was moving to the spot on Leo's chest where his heart
was. Maybe if he placed his hand there, it would make Leo understand how he
felt and make him feel the same way too. And then he blinked. Oh Shit, he
thought, what am I doing?

	He looked up into Leo's eyes and saw a hint of amusement there. He
lifted the towel and took a step backward but Leo's hands came around his
waist. "Stop," he said. "Let me go."

	"Wait." Leo said, "I'm trying to get something."

	"I said, let me go," Shane repeated angrily.

	Leo tightened his grip on his waist and smiled, "But it's mine."

	Shane became very angry, "Do you think you can have me anytime you
want? I'm just some kind of object you come to when you want to get your
fucking rocks off?"

	Leo shook his head slowly, "Actually, I just want to get my
cigarettes. You're wearing my jeans and their in the back pocket." He slid
his hands slowly into the jeans pockets, taking as much time as he could
and pulling Shane closer to him at the same time, and then he withdrew them
and brandished a crumbled pack of Marlboro Red and a lighter in front of
Leo's eyes.

	A deep flush crept unto Shane's cheeks and he looked down at the
jeans, "Sorry ... I thought you meant ..." and then he stopped. He tried
again, "The room was dark so I grabbed the first pair of ..."

	Leo laughed as he lit a cigarette and inhaled deeply, "I don't give
a fuck about the jeans, Shane. Besides, they look better on you."

	Shane turned around and walked to the other side of the kitchen,
where his beer was.

	Leo became serious as he began to speak again, "I care about you
Shane. I've never felt like this before. I didn't come here to get my
fucking rocks off; you've got to believe me. When I saw you at the
restaurant, I knew I had to see you again, because if didn't ..." He paused
as he tried to frame his thoughts into words, "If I didn't, I thought
... Oh fuck I don't know what I thought ..."

	He stopped again and put the cigarette to his lips, blew out air
and continued, "Have you ever had something ... something that felt so good
and you thought, if you had it just one time, then it would be enough
... and you would never want it again, but each time you experience, it
gets better and better and you just want it even more."

	He sighed, "I'm not making sense, am I?" He didn't wait for a
response and continued, "I thought that maybe if I saw you just one more
time, then I'd never have to see you again. That I'd get you out of my
system and I wouldn't feel this urge to be with you again ... Not one day
goes by without thinking of you. My life is mess, not because of you, but
because I can't get you out of mind. You're in my head, in my thoughts;
you're even in my fucking dreams. I know I hurt you, and I'm going to have
to live with that for the rest of my fucking life, but I don't want you to
think I used you. I swear Shane, I didn't come to you for sex; I came here
because I had to see you."

	Leo waited for Shane to say something, but he didn't. He ran his
hand through his hair, becoming desperate as he wondered what else to say,
"I probably sound crazy but that's how I feel. You're still angry, I can
see it in your eyes and I saw it when we were making love. I don't know
what to do, to convince but this isn't about sex." He laughed, "I could get
laid by a different girl every single day of my life if want to, but you
see I had never been with ... I'd never been with someone like you
before. You're a guy and I had all these conflicting emotions. I knew I
wanted to be with you so I followed you to the hotel, but later I woke up,
you were sleeping and you looked so beautiful but I couldn't believe that
we'd just done what we did, so I ran out of there as fast as I could. I was
scared and I was stupid. I wanted to get as far away from you as I could. I
convinced myself that my attraction to you was nothing more than a mistake;
lust, drugs, alcohol. I thought that once I was with Joni, everything would
become normal again. I've never been questioned my sexuality. I've
experimented with all sorts of things, but I've been straight all my
fucking life. Being with you for a couple of hours was more than I could
handle; I was being forced to reevaluate everything, and I couldn't handle
it. Joni did nothing for me. I couldn't even kiss her without thinking of
you; your face, your eyes, your lips. And I knew what I'd done. I'd made a
mistake so I ended it with her because I couldn't continue pretending. I
wanted to be with you but ... but ... I couldn't." Here Leo stopped,
because he didn't want to go into details about calling and talking to Drew
on the phone and what led to his overdose.

	"I shouldn't have waited this long to see you. I should've tried
harder. But I wasn't sure how you felt. I knew you felt something for me,
but it wasn't till today, I knew just how strong it was. I guess what I'm
trying say is I'm sorry. Will you forgive me, Shane?"

	Shane looked down at the empty beer bottle he held in his hand. He
placed it on the counter, walked over to the refrigerator and grabbed
another bottle. He turned to Leo and asked, "Do you want a beer? There's
Bud light and Coors. There's also some other kind I don't really like but
..."

	"Did you hear me Shane?" said Leo. "I asked you a question, "Will
you forgive me?"

	Shane continued looking into the fridge, "There's also bottle of
red wine, but it's been open a while now ..."

	"Shane, will you please answer me?" pleaded Leo.

	Shane slammed the refrigerator door and turned to Leo, "I can't."

	"You can't or you won't?" replied Leo.

	"This isn't about forgiveness, it's about trust," said Shane
angrily. "I don't trust you. You show up at my door and we fuck. I don't
see you for two months and then you show up at my door again, and we
fuck. There's nothing more to this than fucking. I can't forgive you now
because I forgave you a long time ago. I couldn't sleep tonight. You're not
the only one having dreams, Leo. I dream about you every fucking night. I
woke up because I thought you'd be gone and surprise, you were still
there. But you want to know something; I hoped that you'd be gone. So that
you'd prove me right and I wouldn't have to deal with you because I don't
know how to do it. This is more serious than I ever thought it would be. I
don't fuck every person who shows up at my doorstep, but with you, I can't
even say no. I don't know where to draw the line. Saying no to you isn't
even an option when you're around. I can't help myself, I just want to be
with you every fucking way that I can. And I don't like it. I don't like
not being in control of my emotions because I know there is no fucking way
in hell this is ever going to last."

	Shane paused and then stared at Leo, "You're going to be in New
York, for how long? A week? A month? And then you're going to leave me?
You'll go back to Joni or some other woman and I'll be alone ... alone with
a fucking broken heart. You chose her once over me, and you might do it
again."

He stopped suddenly, afraid that he sounded needy and desperate. He briefly
wondered if he'd made a mistake earlier. He'd thought that it wasn't
possible, to fall deeper in love with Leo; but he was and he couldn't help
it. He tried to recall the anger and pain he'd felt when Leo left him, but
he couldn't remember.  He was trying hard to stay angry at him, clutching
at straws and trying to think of the most hurtful thing to say.

"What is this to you? A summer romance? Just another fling? What if you
wake up and you get scared again, are you going to run? I know you
will. You'll return to your life in LA, and you wouldn't even remember the
name of that fucking queer you fucked a couple of times in New York."

	Leo stared at Shane pointedly, "I wouldn't remember the name of the
fucking queer I fucked in New York because I never fucked any, Shane. We
made love and I can't forget that, not even if I wanted to. I didn't choose
Joni over you; it was the other way around. No one else could ever come
before you. I'm not going to make you any promises I can't keep, but I hurt
you once and I swear I will never do it again."

	Shane was silent for a long time; thinking and trying hard not to
let his defenses down. He failed; Leo's words had gotten to him. He looked
at Leo and added, "Willingly."

	Leo sighed, "Yes, I'd never hurt you willingly. I want you. I'll
always want you. Joni isn't an issue anymore, don't compare yourself to
her. I might be a million miles away, but I'll always come back from you."

	Shane took a sip of his beer and then placed it on the counter. He
turned to find Leo standing right in front of him. "What do you want now?"
he asked.

	"I want you to understand how sorry I am." He put his hand on
Shane's face and caressed his cheek softly, "You're so vulnerable. I've
never met anyone like you. You're like a rose; you're beautiful and fragile
but you've got thorns and I never know when I'll get pricked."

	Shane smiled at this analysis of his personality, "You've got a way
with words, Leo but you know what they say about roses ..."

	"No, tell me," said Leo.

	"Handle with care," replied Shane.

	Leo nodded, "I'll be sure to remember that."

	"And I'm sorry for biting your lip," Shane added. "I couldn't help
it."

	"I've never had anyone express their feelings to me that way. It
was different ... interesting ..."

	"Painful?" asked Shane.

	Leo pouted, "It still hurts. Isn't there something you can do to
make it feel better?"

	"And what would that be?" Shane asked.

	Leo leaned forward, his lips a few inches away from Shane's
lips. "I don't know. Got any ideas?"

	Shane placed his two hands on the sides of Leo's face and kissed
Leo tenderly on his lips. "Is it any better now?"

	"No," replied Leo with his voice low and husky. "I think you need
to do it again."

	Shane pulled Leo in again, kissing him more intently this time. He
pulled back and traced the outline of Leo's lip with his finger, "Better
now?" he asked as Leo parted his lips and sucked deeply on his finger.

	Leo shook his head, staring deeply into Shane's eyes which
reflected the same intensity of desire he was also feeling.

	 "I think we need to do something more serious about it," said
Shane as he took Leo's hand and began leading him to the bedroom.

	"I think so too," said Leo. "It's just what the doctor ordered."


To be continued.


Note to Readers- Thanks a lot to all those who wrote me. You definitely
encouraged me to finish this chapter. This one I think is really different.
It's slower and more thoughtful. I was trying to capture a certain mood
between lovers. Ever had one of those quarrels that are mixed up with sex
and you don't know where one ends and the other begins. They go on and on
but never get resolved. I don't quite know if I succeeded but I tried
... and gave up. Well good news though, I have the next chapter about half
way done, and it should be up pretty soon. If you've got any thoughts or
comments, email me.  jayse@mindless.com