Artemis Fowl and the Emotions Conundrum
by Mr Malaprop
This is a piece of fiction, the characters and events depicted are purely the products of my imagination and no similarity is intended to any real events or persons. Any such similarity is completely coincidental.
Thanks to my friends HCFU (Freedom, Nick and Thorns) for their constant encouragement.
None of the above is responsible in any way for any imperfections in this story, that responsibility rests solely with me.
And finally: If you shouldn't, don't. If you don't like it, stop. If you want to flame me, you're wasting your time.
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Artemis Fowl and the Emotions Conundrum
by Mr Malaprop
Artemis Fowl was watching through a window. He felt a strange thrill of guilt at being a voyeur. Guilt was not an emotion much known to him at all.
In the room his friend and business partner Mulch Diggums was suspended in a harness of some sort in what looked like a very undignified fashion. The bum flap in his trousers was open as Foaly’s truly impressive horse dick ploughed the dwarf’s truly amazing arse.
Despite the glass Artemis could hear quite clearly when Mulch suddenly screamed “Fuck me harder, pony boy!”
* * *
Artemis came awake with a start - and with a sticky wetness in his underwear for the fourth night in a row - and a feeling that there was something missing deep, deep inside of him. It was always the same dream. It was always the same result. He was confused by the whole thing, and Artemis Fowl did not take well to confusion! He was even confused by the language he used in the dream, not at all like his usual fastidious speech.
He knew it was all about sex, of course, that was a given. He knew about nocturnal emissions, he knew the sticky stuff was semen and that it contained sperm, he knew all of that - after all he was a genius! He knew all about the engineering and mechanics of sex, even if he did find much of it slightly distasteful. He knew too that part of him yearned to be ploughed like Mulch was in the dream. He lay for a while thinking about the whole thing, he was in a dilemma, he was lost and he knew he was probably going to have to seek some advice from a real live person and not from the internet or other anonymous source. He felt so foolish, he was 14, for heaven’s sake! He knew that other boys his age or even younger talked about sex all the time between themselves and many were in some ways sexually experienced as well. Perhaps that was his problem, he had no experience at all apart from these recent dreams about a centaur and a dwarf! He wondered vaguely whether that was considered in some way “alternative sexuality” stuff as it involved cross species sex - as Foaly was half horse did that make it bestiality?
He was wandering off on intellectual tangents again, something that he often did with this uncomfortable subject, it was a defence mechanism, a retreat. He pulled himself back to the issues a hand. As Dr F. Roy Dean Schlippe he had submitted a paper on the psychology of this in the past, he knew what he was talking about.
SEX - he had to face it! Masturbation, too. This was something he knew about but had been hesitant to try. No, not hesitant - he was scared! He, Artemis Fowl the Second, scourge of Interpol, one of the greatest criminal minds the planet had ever seen, was terrified of sex and terrified of masturbating or wanking or jacking off or jerking off or Onanism or beating his meat . . .
“SHUT UP!” he inwardly screamed at himself.
Making lists and showing intellectual prowess was not the way out of this one. No, he had to talk to Butler about it, Butler would understand. He would be too embarrassed to talk to his father, and the mere thought that his father might then share the information with his mother was enough to make him cringe and sweat with embarrassment. He knew intellectually that they must have been sexual at some time in their lives but he wasn’t sure that they would be able to help him at all. And surely they weren’t sexual now!
Having made up his mind to do it he decided, in fairly typical Fowl fashion, to do it immediately. Normally he would summon Butler to him but he was a bit reticent to do so on this occasion. No, he would go to Butler! His mind made up Artemis, ignoring the damp discomfort in his underwear, drew on a Thai raw silk dressing gown and knocked on the adjoining door between his suite and Butler’s. He knew the door was never locked, Butler insisted that he should always have access to Artemis’s room just in case they had unwanted guests at Fowl Manor. There was no immediate reply so Artemis tapped again then pushed open the door. He could hear water running in Butler’s bathroom, he could also hear Butler’s voice, a little indistinctly but he appeared to be talking to Artemis himself in the shower. The only clear words Artemis could hear were “Oh yes, milk it for me Artemis!”
He was even more confused by this eavesdropping. What did it mean? What did it mean for him? What did it say about Butler and about their relationship? No, it didn’t have to mean anything, the relationship they had was purely professional, even if Butler was the closest thing to a friend Arty had ever had. He sat on Butler’s bed and waited.
After a moment there was a muffled “Oooooh Yeeessssss” from the bathroom then a minute or so later the shower stopped. Another minute or two’s pause then Butler, a stark naked Butler, walked back into his bedroom carrying a towel over his shoulder. Seeing Artemis he hastily grabbed the towel and wrapped it around his waist. The scion of the House of Fowl was dumbstruck by the size of what he had just seen. Not as big as Foaly for sure but still it made his own almost hairless little cock seem very immature.
“Is there something wrong Artemis?”
“I don’t know Butler, but I think I need your advice.”
“Of course. Can I get dressed first?”
“No, Butler, if you don’t mind I’d like you to stay just as you are. Just come and sit by me on the bed.” The big man was disturbed by his charge’s hangdog look. He came and sat as bidden, debated to himself a moment then put his arm round the still slender shoulders and pulled Artemis against him. He sensed that there were growing pangs involved here; the poor lad was not having an easy time of it, that much he knew.
Artemis settled for a moment against his friend and protector’s side.
“Old friend, I’m so confused about things. Mostly,” here he took a deep breath, “erm, mostly I’m confused about sex.
“I understand the principles involved and how things work, I think - but it seems to involve a lot of emotions as well and, well, I’m not very good at that.”
“Artemis, I . . .”
“No, please let me finish. I’ve also been having nocturnal emissions and some very strange dreams. I’ve been dreaming about Foaly having anal sex with Mulch! I’ve had the same dream for each of the last four nights and I always end up with, erm, damp underwear!
“And then,” Artemis blushed dark red, “and then I heard you talking about me in the shower and I got hard in my underwear then you came in here naked and I got harder. Then when you put your arm around me I thought I’d explode! I keep on wanting to come in here at night and cuddle up to you like I used to do when I was little - but I don’t do it; it’s fear again, I’m afraid. I keep getting these strange feelings and don’t know what to do with them. I hate not being in control Butler, but I don’t know what to do. Do you think if I,” he paused and looked down at the floor, “if I masturbated just once it would all go away and I could be back in charge again, instead of my body ruling my head?”
“Do you mean, Artemis, that you have never masturbated?”
“Never, not once. I’ve thought about it but it scares me in a way; but now I think I’m going to have to learn because this is driving me insane.”
“Master Artemis, masturbation is perfectly normal, perfectly natural - not only that but it is positively good for you as well.”
The boy glanced up at his friend, confidante and protector. “I know, I’ve read that, all the stuff about prostate cancer and so on . . . but I’m still scared.” He looked up into his friend’s eyes. He kept eye contact as he carried on in little more than a whisper “Please Domovoi, will you teach me? Will you show me how it’s done?”
“You mean you want me to show you? Are you asking me to do it for you, Arty?”
“Yes, that’s just what I’m asking. I think I’d like that very much, thank you Domovoi. But there is one thing.”
“Yes Artemis.”
“If you do it for me, can I do it for you as well?”
“My dearest Arty, I’d be honoured.”
Butler reached down and uncinched the dressing gown and pushed it back off the boy’s shoulders, Artemis slipped his hand under Butler’s towel guiding it in the direction of the sizeable tent he could see. They both made contact with their prizes at the same time. They both sighed and looked in one another’s eyes. Butler took another risk and lent down to kiss Artemis’s sweet lips.
* * *
In Foaly’s control room in Haven a certain centaur and a certain dwarf sat glued to the monitor watching Artemis having his first taste of sex. After three hours non-stop it looked as if he was developing not only a taste for it but a certain virtuosity as well.
“Well Mulch my lad, do you still think my idea of a dream projector is unworkable.”
“Foaly, I hate to say this, but you’re a genius.”
“Yes, I know. Now get back in that harness, you’re an even bigger fairy than Artemis is turning out to be!”
© Mr Malaprop 2005