Bane of My Existence
by Dream Howler

Dear Harry,

It has been a week since I last saw you, and you don't know how much I wish I were with you. It's rather lonely in my home with only the silence for company, and of course, my music. Do you know that very few people even know that I play an instrument? Of course you don't, since you don't know who I am. Did you know it was once common to teach any child who had a musical gift, be it singing, or playing an instrument?  It seems to me, that many parents are leaving behind the traditions of the past. I often wonder what will happen to me after I get out of school.

I am sure you are wondering why I wrote you this letter, but I guess I don't really know myself. Perhaps I won't even mail it, though I don't know... maybe I will. I have never been one to back down from something that I want, except one time. I regret that moment every day—the day I gave up, and let it walk away without even a backwards glance.

The main purpose of this correspondence is more of a wish than as a real letter. I wish I could tell you in person how sorry I am for the way I have treated you over the years, but for now, this is all I can do about it. In reality, I could probably never tell you to your face how sorry I am, and have you believe me. Until the day that I can get up enough courage to tell you who I am, I will remain your ever-apologizing subject.

Caesius

P.S. My owl will stay with you until you reply. Please take good care of him. His name is Arrow.

Dear Caesius,

Well, since I don't know anyone by that name who has hurt me over the years; I assume it's a nickname. Did you choose it yourself, or did someone give it to you? Since you won't tell me who you are, I guess "Caesius" is what I will use. It is an interesting nickname actually.

I figured it wouldn't hurt to write you back. I mean; I doubt that you could be Voldemort, considering he would never apologize to me for anything. Of course, you could be one of his followers, or a reporter, so forgive me for being suspicious. On the other hand, I doubt Voldemort would have any of his followers write to me either; it doesn't seem to be his style. He seems to like doing things face-to face.

So, on that note, perhaps you could tell me what exactly you are apologizing for. Many people have hurt me over the years, so it's a rather long list to choose from. If you don't feel up to giving me specifics yet, then tell me something about you that I wouldn't know. Tell me about your music. I like all kinds of music myself.

I am kind of wondering about your previous statement, about you wanting to be with me. Are you saying that you just wish I were around, so you could apologize in person? Or do you really want to be with me—you know, as in more than just friends? On the other hand, perhaps I'm being silly, and you just miss me being around to argue with you.

Well, regardless of your reasoning, I guess the statement rather confused me. If Hermione was here, I am sure she would probably think I was crazy for writing someone who claims to know me. She, or Ron, Erm, maybe both, would probably accuse you of being a reporter for the Daily Prophet, or even one of Voldemort's followers. I don't really get that vibe from the letter you wrote me, but I am not going to totally trust you - just yet.

Anyway, since you made the first move here, is there anything about me you would like to know? I suppose the main purpose of sending these letters was to get to know me better, right? Regardless, I hope you are not disappointed by my reply.

Harry

Dear Harry,

Thank you for returning my letter. I want to assure you that I wouldn't work for the Prophet for all the money in the Wizarding World. The only reason I read it most of the time, is because I am bored, and who wants to read the Quibbler? Well, perhaps Lovegood would, but she has an excuse, right? Her dad does own the paper, after all. Regardless, I was very happy to see Arrow had returned with a letter. As to your questions, well those are pretty easy and harmless

Caesius is of Latin origin. My mother gave me the nickname when I was little, though she hasn't used it in many years. It's actually more of a private name for me now, one that I use when I feel lonely, or lost. Yes, lost. It's amazing how often people will look at me, and never think that those words would ever apply to me. That feeling of loss definitely comes out in my music though. My best friend is always telling me how soulful my songs are, though if you knew my father the way I do, you would understand all of this better.

As for my comment about wanting to be with you, well - I guess you could say it's a bit of both of the ones you mentioned. I do owe you a more personal apology than the one I have offered you here, especially since you don't even know who is apologizing yet. However, I know that if I tell you who I am at this point, I will never receive another letter from you again. So, instead of telling you who I am, I will ask for your advance forgiveness for waiting so long.


Now, let's move on to more pleasant topics. My music is the only thing that keeps me sane these days. Though people look at me and think that I don't have any problems, they would be dead wrong. I am by no means stupid, far from it in fact. Not that I am trying to be arrogant or anything, but I work very hard to make the grades I do. Some wouldn't really agree with that statement, but it's true.

You aren't the only person that I owe apologies to, but those can wait for now. I know once you discover who I am, or I get the guts to tell you, you will realize that apologies don't really come easy to me. In fact, you are probably the first person I have ever sincerely wanted to apologize to in my life. All the other apologies I have made over the years, I never meant it, or I felt forced to make them.

Since we are getting to know each other here, I have a question for you. Have you ever done something in your life that you regret? I mainly mean something like choices in friends, actions, et cetera. I know I have. One mistake I regret more than anything involves a choice in friends. Maybe one day I will be able to tell you just how that one error has affected my whole life.

Well, I suppose I should let you go and let you get some sleep.

Caesius

Dear Caesius,

It's interesting to see that we have a few things in common. I was just thinking about music when your latest letter arrived. Do you write your own music? Do you ever listen to Muggle music? You would be amazed at the large variety of brilliant Muggle music out there.

As to your question, I regret many things in my life, unfortunately. If you know anything about me at all, and not the rumors that dang Rita woman publishes, then you will know most of my tragic details. Truthfully, I regret many things, though the largest, hands-down, was my Godfather's death. He was pretty much the only true family I had left, especially since the Muggles that I have lived with for the majority of the last 17 years, have never treated me like family.

I was just a freak to them, locked away in a cupboard under the stairs until I turned eleven. Then, I suddenly got a tiny, little bedroom, which is where I stay now. I got what seemed like thousands of Hogwarts letters, though if it hadn't been for Hagrid, who came to find me, I probably would have never made it to Hogwarts at all.

My Uncle definitely didn't want me to go to Hogwarts, and become even more of a "freak" than I already was. I think his main concern was that he was going to have to pay for it. Luckily, my parents left me a good sum of money in the family vault.

As far as friend choices, well... there was one that I've always had a "what if" thought about. I'm not sure if you really knew that about me. I was just an abused, scared eleven-year-old the day I met the person who would become one of my enemies. I didn't really know he would become one at the time though. Hagrid had just saved me from my horrible relatives and I was still in shock. I had just learned, by his arrival in fact, that I wasn't a `freak' as my Muggle relatives always said I was, but was in fact, a wizard. My head was still spinning from the news, and I wasn't all that aware of anything else going on around me. That day, my birthday in fact, and I finally found out what really happened to my parents; my relatives never told me the truth, they said that they had died in a car accident. In addition, I found out I was destined to be a "thumping good wizard," Hagrid informed me.

I met my soon-to-be enemy at my very first robe shop. He had this amazing blond hair, and these liquid sliver-blue eyes. Sometimes those eyes haunt me in my dreams. It was too bad that he reminded me too much of my mean cousin, Dudley. Dudley's favorite pastime was `Harry Hunting'—also known as beating me into a pulp. I was small growing up, and it didn't help that they barely fed me either. Dudley was more than four or five times my size in mass, and later became a boxing champion in school. Between the blond's talk of money, and trying to break school rules by smuggling in a broom, he didn't really impress me. Later he insulted Ron, the first boy my age that I made friends with in the new world I had entered, and by the time he told me to stay away from Ron, I decided I didn't like his attitude at all.

Sadly, the blond hated me after that. I think I wounded his pride. Guess he didn't realize at the time that insulting my new friend wasn't the wisest way to make a new friend, and that his name couldn't impress me, because I had no idea who he was. After being told that all Dark Wizards are sorted into Slytherin, and the fact that the blond was sorted there as well, I begged the hat to put me anywhere else.

If I hadn't been sorted into Gryffindor, there is no telling what might have happened between that blond and I. Maybe we might have become friends, but after his father's repeated attempts to hurt me over the years, I suppose it's just as well we didn't become friends. It would be nice to go back to school this year and have a worry free year where he is concerned. He did put a stop to some of his animosity towards my friends and I last year, though it wasn't enough. If he could just stop the mean, sarcastic comments all the time, he might be nice to hang out around. Perhaps I'll make it a birthday wish.

Anyway, I am probably boring you to tears with my life history. Of course, not many know that particular bit of information except he and I... well, and now you of course. Why don't you tell me something about your history? Maybe I can guess who you are without you having to tell me. Write me soon, but let the owl have a little rest, huh?

Harry

Dear Harry,

I don't know what to say after your last letter. I had no idea that you were so badly mistreated at home. If I could, I would make sure they paid for that. You are by no means, a freak like they claim. I can tell you are a very kind, caring, and loyal person—a true Gryffindor. What is most amazing though, is that if you have never had the love at home, at least you have friends.

To your questions: yes, I do write my own music. I also play guitar and piano. I learned to play the piano first. But later, I decided to pick up the guitar, and I like it better, really. My best friend loves playing the piano, so we get together a lot to play. You have expressed an interest in music yourself. Do you play anything? Do you sing? If you don't feel like you can tell me, just let me know. It would be nice to have someone to discuss music with other than my friend.

The story about your known problems with Draco Malfoy is interesting. I doubt that he even knows that you feel that way. Yes, I figured out who the blond is in your story. It didn't take a genius to figure it out, everyone pretty much knows by now that you two have been at odds for years, and he is the only boy that fits the description you gave at our school. You didn't bore me with your story about Draco Malfoy, actually. In fact, it was interesting to hear it from your point of view.

Anyway, I do have a question that you might be able to help me with; it has caused me to wonder a lot. I noticed you came back last year better dressed, and, well, hot. I was wondering who helped you. I don't know if you noticed it or not, but the normal stares associated with you changed a lot last year. I have a feeling you didn't though, or you just weren't interested in who was staring at you. That does make me wonder about something, but I think it's a little early to ask you that question.

I hope that my previous question didn't offend you. I guess in a roundabout way, I was trying to pay you a compliment. I hope that you realize that, and don't think further ill of me. I am looking forward to your next letter.

Caesius

Dearest Handsome Harry,

My, that does sound a bit corny, but I couldn't think of anything else right now. How are you today? I really enjoyed your last letter. It really brightened my day. I didn't really have a good day myself, though I don't really want to talk about it. Luckily, I turned 17 a couple of months ago, so I was able to make the problem go away legally.

Anyway, enough about the depressing topics, I am sure we can find something more interesting to talk about than my wretched day. I was happy when I received your last letter, and found out that you were finally rid of those Muggles who treated you so badly. I don't know how anyone could do that to such a kind-hearted, sweet guy, especially one who has the most amazing green eyes I have ever seen, and with a lithe body like a tiger. You will never know how many times I would follow you down the halls last year, just to watch your arse as you walked.

I know, I sound like a stalker or something, but it's true. The most amazing thing is, that you don't even see it yourself. I guess you could say it is one of your more endearing qualities. I could go on all day about that, but I certainly don't want to make you uncomfortable.

You mentioned in one of your letters, that you went to a Muggle salon to get your makeover, and I must say, that they did a good job. Really, you look much better with the longer hair; it makes your wild tousled look of seem much tamer in comparison to before. I have never had trouble with fashion myself, though it was nice to see you out of those rags, sorry, don't mean to offend you. I don't think I noticed how nice looking you were until you came back to school last year though. Of course, the added height did wonders for that as well. I am glad that you finally had a growth spurt.

As for your last letter, you mentioned the Weasleys; and the love that they share in abundance, and how that is better than all the money in the world. I can't say that I have ever had that kind of love. My parents' marriage was arranged at their birth, and I was just made to produce an heir for the family line to continue. They sleep in separate bedrooms, and lead different lives. I think it's funny really, since I happen to be gay. Maybe it's just fate's idea of a joke.

I am glad that your friends took your telling them that you're gay so well. In times of war, it is nice to know that you have loyal friends. Anyway, on this last thought, I will close this letter. I thought I would let you know that you have forced me to grow up a lot these last two years and for that I thank you. You don't know how much your letters have meant to me this summer, especially the trust you have given me, in sharing so much of your personal life with me, when I haven't even told you who I am.

Caesius

MYSTERIOUS DEATHS AT AZKABAN!

A Daily Prophet – SPECIAL NEWS REPORT

By Rita Skeeter

August 21, 1997

Lucius Malfoy, among others, convicted of being Death Eaters in 1996 by the Ministry of Magic, died yesterday due to several dark, poisonous potions. The Ministry will not confirm anything at this time. There are those in the Ministry who think that either they committed suicide, or someone deliberately put the poison in their food.

An investigation is now being conducted, to determine the cause. Speculations are running wild within the Ministry of Magic, and some even attribute the deaths to You-Know-Who, to ensure that they could not tell any of his plans.

His wife, Narcissa, and their son, Draco, who incidentally, is now the sole heir to the Malfoy fortune, now survive Mr. Lucius Malfoy.

Dear Sexy,

My, I am having troubles coming up with greetings, aren't I? It's so unlike me. I just don't like the mundane `Dear Harry' anymore. It sounds so impersonal. You looked very nice in Hogsmeade yesterday. I think that you look very nice in green and blue I think, though the green brings out your eyes better. It's so nice to see you in clothes that actually fit you well. I know I should avoid the topic, but sometimes I can't help myself. I don't even think you see that half the stares that you get these days are lustful, and not the "Boy-Who-Lived" fame thing, that you're always whining about. .

Have you ever thought of getting your eyes corrected? There are several spells that you could use to do so, you know. If you're afraid of not having the glasses, you could always fix your eyes, and then wear clear glass in place of your regular lenses. It might make for an interesting advantage when you meet You-Know-Who, if he thinks you're blind without them, and you're not. Just a suggestion for you, I'd hate it if you got hurt. If you want the spells, let me know.

I know you said in your last letter that Professor Snape gave you detention again, for something that you didn't do. He does target you a lot, doesn't he? I know you said it's more to do with your parents, and not yourself, but perhaps you're wrong. I mean, honestly, think about it. I personally think he targets you, so that you will be properly grounded. Isn't he the one person that reminds you that you're human, and not just the `Savior of the World,' and that it's not your job to save everyone? I think that he keeps reminding you of this, so that perhaps you'll realize that one day your "job" might get you killed if you get too reckless. I shudder to think of that day when you have to face You-Know-Who. I, for one, don't want you to die, Harry. Perhaps you should ease off of Professor Snape a bit, and maybe pay better attention in class? He is a great teacher you know, regardless of his prejudices.

With that said, I hope you enjoy the little gift I've enclosed. Feel free to have Ms. Granger check it out for you. I assure you though; it is safe and will keep you safe.

Yours,

Caesius

Dear Caesius,

I wanted to thank you for the necklace you sent me. It really saved me from getting a nasty potion burn today, due to Dean's cauldron exploding. It wasn't really his fault, but of course, Snape just HAD to take 20 points away from Gryffindor because of it. He just wouldn't be Snape if he hadn't, I suppose.

You know, I think you were right about Snape though. He pulled me back after class yesterday, and asked why I was suddenly paying so much attention. I told him that a friend of mine suggested that it would probably help my grade, and perhaps I wouldn't get in so much trouble. At least, I was partially honest with him. I know he can tell lies when he hears them, there are several students that think he can read minds.

Oddly enough, he complimented me on my recent potion efforts, and told me that if I kept it up, I might actually pass his class. To say I was stunned would be an understatement. I actually heard Snape say something NICE to me! I guess he has finally started to understand that he either owes me for saving his life at the end of last term, or that I am not my father. Of course, I doubt he is too happy with the feeling that he owes another Potter a debt. My father saved his life once long ago, and he never got a chance to pay that back from what I understand.

Anyway, I guess we should get off my stunned realizations, and on to other more pressing topics. First, could you send me those spells you mentioned to fix my eyes, and secondly, when are we going to meet Caesius? You promised once we got back to school that we could.

Harry