Date: Thu, 01 Jun 2000 21:19:13 EDT From: Laughter and Tears Subject: A Love Like This - Chapter 9 For some reason this took me a long time to finish. I'm not sure why. Anyway, thank you so much to all the people who have e-mailed me and supported this story, it's very much appreciated. I'm a girl by the way ... lol apparently people don't know that. Okay, I'm gonna take a minute out to be lame and say how much I love Nifty. It amuses me night after night and more power to it. And I really want to thank my biggest supporters ... you know who you are (at least you should know). I'll see you on Monday, and the other two, I'll see you in July. Can't wait for the hand flapping and booty shakin'. (Maybe we'll see Wade/Brandon.) Usual disclaimer, usual everything. Feedback is more than welcome! JC stared out the airplane window and watched the clouds pass by, pausing only to glance at Justin, who had fallen asleep next to him with his head resting lightly on JC's shoulder. He had already tried to sleep, but something was nagging at him too much. He couldn't stop thinking about the events of the night before ... Justin drying his tears and holding him all night ... that really scared him. JC couldn't believe he had let himself be that vulnerable, and in effect, forced Justin to try to pick up the pieces. JC knew that he never wanted to feel that way again. He never wanted to lose control like that. There was so little in his life that he could control in the first place that he was going to fight for every last bit he could hold onto. The lawsuit and the legal mess earlier in the year had scared the shit out of him. If they couldn't record together anymore, what would he do? It was one thing to say, "But I can still sing and write music," but what would he DO? Being in 'N Sync paid the bills. He didn't know how to do anything else for a living - he didn't want to do anything else. He just wanted to sing with his four best friends. That was what made him happy. Being a pop star gave him a lot of new experiences, but it didn't teach him how to live in the real world. He was sure he could learn ... eventually ... but the adjustment period would be too hard. And God, what would Justin do? He lived for performing. Thinking about what could have happened literally made JC start shaking. It was all resolved now, but he found it very unsettling to have his life in the hands of other people. They weren't puppets on strings, but people were always making decisions for them. JC understood that with an operation that big, he couldn't control it all. He could deal with that. 'N Sync was getting more and more popular as the days went by. Their world was exploding before their very eyes. It was a dream come true, but it was just so overwhelming. JC felt like the only things he could do were make the music he wanted to make and hold Justin's hand the entire way through. He might not be able to control everything around him, but he would never, ever give up control of his personal life. He had promised himself that. And he hated that he had lost control the night before. He didn't want to be like that. More importantly, he couldn't be like that with Justin. That was his role in the relationship - he was more level- headed and he was the one who tried to smooth things out all the time. If he didn't have that, what else did he have? Justin was so strong for everyone else and sometimes he needed someone to be strong for him, too. JC had always been that person. He'd always been that person, and he didn't want to not be that person. He couldn't help it. Sometimes he looked at Justin and saw that sweet little sixteen-year-old boy staring back at him. He didn't know if it was wrong to feel so paternally towards his own boyfriend, but he couldn't help it. Justin stirred a little bit next to him. "You make such a nice pillow," he murmured. JC looked all around him to make sure no one was looking. He kissed the top of Justin's head and interlaced their fingers before trying to fall asleep again. After they took a taxi back to Justin's house to drop off their stuff, Justin and JC hopped in Justin's BMW to go to Lance's house. Joey greeted them at the door. "Hey, long time, no see," Joey said. "It's been two days," JC replied. "Like I said, long time, no see. I'm so used to having to look at your ugly face all the time, two days felt like years." "Thanks for the compliment," JC said as he and Justin walked through the door. Where's Lance?" Joey motioned upstairs. "Taking care of business. Making some phone calls or something. He told me to make something for dinner." JC groaned. "Joey in the kitchen spells disaster." "Hey, I'm a good cook!" Joey protested. "Yeah, but you're so clumsy. We better make sure you don't kill yourself in there." "Josh, I'm going to go upstairs and talk to Lance, okay?" Justin said. "Sure, honey," JC said, followed Joey into the kitchen. Justin ran up the stairs, anxious to see Lance again. He hadn't called Lance during their break because he was waiting to talk to him in person. He poked his head into Lance's bedroom and saw him sitting at his desk, busily writing something down. "Hey, Lance," Justin said. "Got some time for an old friend?" "Justin, you're back!" Lance exclaimed, smiling. He always felt a little lost without the other guys, Justin in particular. "Yup," Justin said, sitting down on the bed. "I can leave you alone if you have work to do, though." Lance pushed the pile of papers away from him and swiveled around in his chair to face Justin. "Nah, I can always do that later." "So did you have a good time in Mississippi? Don't tell me you spent the entire two days knitting with your mom." "Oh come on, you know I'm not the mama's boy in this group," Lance said pointedly. "No, I saw some old friends, spent some time with Stacey and Ford. Got a lot of sleep." "That's good though. Relaxing is good." "What about you? How was home with the family?" Lance joked. "It was okay." "Just okay?" Lance asked, a little concerned. Justin looked out the window. "Josh told them about - about us." "Really?" Lance couldn't hide his shock. "Wow. How'd they take it? I can't tell from your expression." Justin shrugged. "Okay, I guess. Tyler and JC's mom took it pretty well." Lance noticed the omission of JC's father, but decided not to ask about him. "Well, that's good. JC must feel good about that; it's some weight off his shoulders." "Uh huh." "So are you going to tell your parents now, too?" Lance asked curiously but hesitantly. Justin tensed up but Lance didn't pick up on it. "You'd think that would be the natural progression, huh?" "I take it that you don't want to tell them?" Lance guessed. Justin nodded. "Yeah, well, it only matters what you want to do. Fuck everyone else. It's your life." "Ooh, you said fuck, I'm gonna go tell your mom!" Justin teased. Lance cocked his head to the side. "Hmmm, you could tell my mom that I said fuck, or I could tell your mom that you're in love with JC and sleeping with him ... hmmm, who has the upper hand here? ..." Justin threw a pillow at Lance's head but Lance caught it before it messed up his hair. "You better not, or I'll kick your ass all the way back to Mississippi." "Ow, that sounds like that might hurt." "And I am NOT sleeping with JC." "Yes you are. You're sleeping with him by definition of the word." Justin knew that Lance was just trying to give him a hard time. "Well - " Justin retorted, "Well, I don't have a good comeback for that right now, but when I do, look out." Lance threw the pillow back at Justin who placed it back on the bed. "Lance, can I ask you something?" "Sure." Justin looked at him innocently. "What does the term "yuppie" mean?" Lance groaned. "You should be glad I don't have that pillow anymore or you'd be getting the beating of your life. No more millionaire jokes." "I'm just teasing you, Lance. I told you I'd get you back." "I should know you well enough to know that you're always true to your word," Lance said, grinning. "But seriously, I do have a question for you." "Okay, what is it?" Justin paused for a breath. "When JC and I first told you about - about us being gay, and about us being - together, what did you honestly think?" Lance looked right at him. "I thought it was great. I knew you would be happy together, and that's all I want for you guys." "Didn't it, like, freak you out at all, or anything?" "Freak me out?" A confused look passed over Lance's features. "Good news doesn't freak people out." "Lance, I really need you to be honest with me!" "I am being honest! Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in Chris' eye. I love the two of you together." "Positive?" "Yes, I am absolutely 100% positive. I said stick a needle in Chris' eye, right? Okay, so maybe that doesn't mean a whole lot, but I meant every word I said. When you talk about telling people the truth about you and JC, you always get so nervous and flustered. You really seem to expect them to react badly. Are you really that scared?" "Well, yeah," Justin said, fidgeting. "I mean, what if people don't understand? What if they hate me, and they don't love me anymore?" Justin sniffled a little. "What if my parents don't love me anymore?" "Justin," Lance said softly, sitting down next to him. Lance was aware of his blazing insecurity problems, but he didn't know they were so bad that he would doubt his own parents. "They wouldn't do that. Not over something so little. This is a really little part of you." "Sometimes little things can have a big impact, you know." Lance squeezed his shoulder. "I know, but they won't stop loving you just because you're gay. We didn't. Were you this scared to tell us?" Justin shook his head. "How come?" Lance asked him. "I just knew you guys would be okay with it, I guess," he answered. "You and Joey and Chris - you really KNOW me and JC. Our parents know us, but not like you do. You guys see us day in and day out. You're always there; we spend almost every minute together. You see who I really am. But parents aren't like that ... they know their own version of their children. And I know my parents have these visions and hopes and dreams of who I am and who I'll be, of what my life is like and what it'll be like in the future. It's hard to tell them things that will shatter that. Friends are different. True friends let you change and they grow to accept it, that's just the way things work. But it's hard to break out of the mold that your parents mentally put you in." Lance nodded kind of sadly. "I get what you're saying." "Telling my parents is totally different from what it was like to tell you. First I have to ruin their perception of me in the first place, and if they don't just reject me first, I know I'll have to answer all these questions and they'll want to know all these things and that's just too much for me right now. You guys - when we told you, you didn't ask very many questions. Why didn't you?" "I don't really know," Lance answered, shrugging. "I guess because any questions we had could be answered just by hanging out with you two together." "But there have to be some things you're curious about and still don't know," Justin insisted. "Yeah, but I don't want to bug you with that stuff. Like you said, you don't want to be grilled." "I know I said that, but ask me anyway. You're my best friend and I know you're not going to judge me." "Okay." Lance paused in thought. "So was it, like, I don't know, kind of weird at first? Being with a guy - being with JC, I mean?" "I guess the weirdest thing about it, at first, was being with someone the same size as you," Justin said. "I know that sounds strange, but that's how it was for me. I don't know, like when you're with a girl, she's smaller than you and you're supposed to be the strong one. Now that I'm with JC, I don't have to lean down to kiss him or to look into his eyes. I don't give him piggy back rides or open jars for him. He doesn't pick me up and carry me to bed or anything. It was kind of weird to be on an even physical level. When I used to date girls, sometimes I wondered how it felt when I kissed them, or held them, or whatever." He shrugged. "But now I don't wonder. I know." "That must be really nice to be so equal like that." "Yeah, it's nice, but I mean, JC and I aren't that equal in the end. We're not like split down the line completely. I guess we do kind of have a relationship where one person is the guy and the other is the girl." "And you're the -" "I'm the girl," Justin interrupted, saying it as though the thought of JC being the girl was ridiculous. "Of course I am." "What do you mean 'of course?'" "Never mind," Justin said, brushing it off. "C'mon, we better go downstairs or JC's going to think we're having some kind of lurid affair." Lance shrugged. "Okay." They trooped into the kitchen to see that Chris had arrived. He was sitting at the counter, eating some tortilla chips with salsa. "Chris, don't do that," JC was saying. "Do what?" Lance asked. "He's double-dipping," JC explained. "You can't dip it into the salsa, eat half of the chip, get your drool ALL over it, and then dip it back into the bowl. That's just not right." Chris shrugged. "Maybe for most people. But this is us we're talking about. I've seen you naked, I've shared sodas with you, and I've held your head over the toilet when you've puked. I think it's okay if I double-dip." JC opened the refrigerator. "I swear, I can never win with you. You always, ALWAYS talk circles around me." "It's a talent that few possess." "So what's for dinner, Joey?" Lance wanted to know. "You told an Italian guy to make dinner for five people, so I cooked what any Italian guy would cook." "Pasta?" Justin guessed. "Yup." "And he didn't burn down the house," Chris observed. "Score even more points for Joey." "Okay, I'm not THAT clumsy." The other four exchanged glances before saying altogether, "YES YOU ARE." After they finished eating, Lance and Joey left to rent some movies while Justin, JC, and Chris stayed at the house. They were sitting at the table in kitchen doing nothing in particular. "How long does it take to rent a movie?" JC wondered. "It seems like they've been gone forever." "Oh, you know Joey, he probably met some hot girl in the porno section," Justin replied. Chris cleared his throat. "Just so you guys know, Danielle knows about you two." JC's eyebrow furrowed. "What do you mean, she knows? How does she know? You didn't tell her, did you?" Chris got a little defensive. "No, I didn't tell her. I swore to you I'd keep it a secret and I did. You know how it is with women. You don't have to tell them things for them to know. It's that crazy intuition or whatever." "Is it - is it really that obvious?" Justin asked worriedly while playing with a napkin. He and JC exchanged glances. Maybe all their work to keep their relationship surreptitious wasn't enough? "No, Justin, no one can tell," Chris reassured him. "You don't give anyone reason to suspect. Danielle is just THAT smart. I sure know how to pick 'em. I wouldn't worry about it if I were you. If I didn't even know you two were gettin' busy until you actually told me, then you're fine." JC still felt uneasy. They were just going to have to be more careful from now on. He sighed inwardly at the thought of people discovering their little secret. He remembered the kiss he had given Justin on the plane. They definitely couldn't do those kinds of things anymore. He wasn't going to feel safe doing anything with Justin unless there were four walls and a closed door from now on. "No, seriously, you guys, don't worry about it," Chris repeated to reinforce himself. "So what did she think?" Justin asked. "She thinks it is soooooooo cute," Chris said, fluttering his eyelashes and swooning. "That's my impression of her. I don't know, I think she's picking out the color scheme for your wedding or something. She told me to tell you that you're the most perfect couple she's ever seen. After me and her, of course. But this is so great, though, 'cause she comes around all the time and now you don't have to pretend in front of her." "That's true," JC agreed. "You can hug and kiss and feel each other up in front of her and she'll think it's the most romantic thing in the whole world. Huh. She never thinks it's romantic when I feel her up. No fair." Justin threw his crumpled up napkin at him. "That's 'cause you're not as cute as me." "Oh yeah, let me just go out and grow an afro the size of Texas and wear denim out my ass, and then maybe I'll be as cute as you." JC started to laugh. "Don't make fun of my little denim angel." "I always get picked on," Justin whined in mock protest. "Eh, no you don't," Chris disagreed. "That's Joey's job. I mean, shit, did you see the shirt he was wearing today? Whoa." They all started to laugh just as Joey and Lance returned from the video store. "What's so funny?" Joey asked cluelessly. "Nothing," JC answered. "You don't wanna know." Justin burst into his bedroom, with JC close behind, after their day at Lance's. "I need to take a shower," he said. "I feel all yucky." "You look as pretty as ever," JC teased. "Looks can be deceiving," Justin said over his shoulder while walking into the bathroom. JC collapsed on the bed. He was exhausted, mentally and physically. He had finally adjusted to the general silence of the house, with the exception of the running water, when he heard the familiar ring of his cell phone. He reached for it on the nightstand. "Hello?" he said casually. "Josh?" JC paused briefly. "Hi, Dad." "Was your flight okay?" JC shrugged. "Yeah it was fine. Normal." "We need to talk about what happened last night. Josh, I'm sorry about before." "It's okay," JC said, staring up at the ceiling. "You know that I still love you, right? I am so proud to have you as my son. This doesn't change anything. I was just surprised when you told me. You just sprung it on me out of nowhere." "Yeah, I know," JC replied. "I just had to tell you and I couldn't think of a smooth transition into something like that. So I just spit it out." "I'm glad you finally told me, Josh. I'm glad that you did it even though you were scared of how I would react, and I'm sorry that you were even scared in the first place. But you know, this isn't about how I feel about you being gay, or how your mother feels. This isn't about anyone but you, and I know you're happy, so that's more than enough for me." "Thanks, Dad." JC bit his lip, not knowing what else to say. "Okay, well I just wanted to call and tell you that. And also, apologize to Justin for me, okay? I didn't mean to yell at either of you. I've never known him to be anything but sweet and I'm very happy that you have him in your life." "Okay, I'll tell him that," JC agreed. "Your mother wants to talk to you now. Bye, Josh. I love you." "I love you, too, Dad. Bye." JC heard some background noise and then his mother's voice. "Hi, honey." "Hi, Mom," he said, smiling. "See, I knew things were going to work out just fine," Karen said soothingly. "Yup, right as usual," JC said. "Josh, honey, I didn't really get much of a chance to talk to you about this while you were home." JC sighed a little. It was hard to keep secrets from the entire world except for the people closest to him, who seemed to want to know all sorts of things. He felt caught between absolute secrecy and absolute disclosure. "Sure, Mom, what do you want to talk about?" "You know that I trust you and I know you're very responsible ... you and Justin are being safe, aren't you?" JC's eyes widened. "Mom! That's none of your business!" "I know that, I know I should respect your privacy, but you have to understand that I'm worried about you -" "I do understand that, but this isn't any of your business! It wasn't when I was dating girls and it isn't now!" Karen's voice was filled with concern. "Things are just so much more dangerous for gay couples -" "Mom, I know that," JC interrupted sharply. "And you know, Justin's such a slut and all, I'm sure he's infected with all sorts of diseases - " "Joshua, do not talk to me like that! I have supported you through this whole thing. What makes you think that's changing now?" JC instantly felt terrible for his sarcasm. "I'm sorry, Mom," he apologized. "I know you only asked because you care so much, and I appreciate that you care, really, I do." Karen was silent. JC felt even worse and figured he should give her at least a little peace of mind. "Mom, when I say that you have nothing to worry about it, I mean it. Interpret that however you like." "Alright, Josh," Karen said. "That's all I wanted to know." She sort of wished that JC would be less ambiguous, but she settled for what she got. "And I'm really sorry I yelled at you, Mom," JC repeated. "I didn't mean it, and you didn't deserve it." "That's okay, honey. I'm sorry I intruded so much." JC laughed a little. "You're a mom, you're allowed to intrude sometimes. But I have to go now. I'll talk to you later?" "Okay, bye sweetie! Give my love to Justin and the other boys." "I will. Bye." JC disconnected the call and dropped his cell phone next to him on the bed. He didn't really have to go anywhere; he just didn't feel like talking to his mother anymore. Mom's really worried about nothing, he repeated to himself. They weren't having sex so there was no danger there. JC mindlessly chewed on a fingernail. Okay, so maybe they didn't use condoms for oral sex, but they had both already been tested for everything out there. That wasn't a 100% stamp of approval to throw caution to the wind, but JC felt safe enough. They had never really talked about it that much, surprisingly, but somehow they had come to never use condoms at all. When it came down to it, JC didn't want to use them because to him, that was like saying, "Hey Justin, here's something to protect you from me." It was a selfish reason and he knew it, but he hated the idea of Justin needing any kind of protection from him. His thoughts were interrupted when Justin came into the bedroom with a towel around his waist and his wet hair in disarray. "Oh, my baby's all clean," JC remarked. "Yes, but I could be dirty for you, if you want," Justin said playfully. "Oh, really?" JC asked, sitting up and swinging his legs around to the side of the bed. "Sweetie, come over here." Justin took cute little tiny steps towards him and JC stood up. "You smell so good," he murmured into Justin's ear before kissing his neck. "It's that Irish Spring that does it for me," Justin joked. "Can I get dressed now? I'm gettin' kind of cold." JC kissed him on the lips briefly before going back to kissing Justin's neck and left shoulder. "I just wanted to taste you now that you're squeaky clean." "Well, just to let you know, you can taste me anytime you want," Justin teased. "Oh really?" JC let his hands slide down to Justin's hips. "Is right now okay?" he asked, tugging lightly on Justin's towel. Justin started to laugh. "If you want me, you can have me." JC's hands moved up to rub Justin's stomach. "Put some clothes on, baby. You're starting to get goosebumps." Justin pouted a little and walked over to the closet. JC went back to lying on the bed and watched him get dressed. "Hey!" Justin objected. "This isn't a free peep show." "Are you going to charge me now? Yay, my boyfriend's a whore!" Justin slipped on some pajama pants and turned around. "Oh, you only wish I was. Do I look good in plaid?" "Yes, Justin, you look ravishing in absolutely anything," JC answered, shifting his position uncomfortably. "Josh, what's wrong?" Justin asked in an alarmed voice, noticing JC's momentary grimace. "Nothing, I've just had this pain in my back all day. Must be from the plane ride." "I'll make it all better," Justin offered. He helped JC pull his shirt over his head. "Now roll over," he commanded. JC turned over so he was lying on his stomach. Justin straddled his waist and started pressing JC's skin gently. "Tell me if it hurts, okay?" When he touched a spot on JC's back, JC involuntarily jumped a little. "I'm sorry, baby, I didn't mean to hurt you," Justin apologized softly. He massaged the area a little. "Am I hurting you more, or is that helping?" JC sighed appreciatively. "Oh, that feels so much better, Justin." Justin stopped rubbing JC's back and leaned down to kiss the spot a few times. "God, you're seriously driving me crazy right now," JC said. "I just love having you close to me." "Well, I love being close to you," Justin replied, rubbing JC's back again. "I love the feel of your skin under my fingers." JC closed his eyes and sighed again. "What's wrong, sweetie?" Justin asked with concern. "Didn't we just establish that?" JC replied in confusion. "My back hurts." "No, it's something else," Justin said. "I don't know. You seem happy, but I'm getting these sad vibes from you, too." JC was a little surprised Justin sensed that. "I guess I'm a little bothered by what Chris told us. I mean, I don't care that Danielle knows - I like it that she knows, she's practically part of the 'N Sync family. But we never intended for her to know - yet - and she figured it out on her own. I know Danielle's special, but that doesn't mean that other people can't find out, too." "I know, sweetie," Justin said, working his way down to JC's lower back. "But sometimes I get so sick of thinking about everyone else. Can't we just be totally egocentric for once and pretend that we're the only two people who exist?" "Mmm, good idea," JC said, smiling. "It's just that the less people that know about us, the better, you know?" "Yeah, I know," Justin nodded. "Well, there's four less people who are going to know about it. I'm not going to tell my parents. They don't need to know." JC didn't say anything. "Well, they don't," Justin continued, as if JC had argued with him. "I don't see how them knowing is really going to make anything better." "Okay," JC said simply. "I just don't know what I would say," Justin said. "Look at how hard it was for you to explain it to your parents, and you actually had answers to their questions. I don't have answers for anything." "It's okay, sweetie," JC assured him. "You don't have to apologize." "It's just that ..." Justin continued. "It's just that, how can I make my parents even try to understand when I can't explain it to them. I'm NOT gay, Josh, I'm not." JC turned around as much as he could and gave Justin a confused look. "No, what I mean is -" Justin began quickly, "I love you, I am so in love with you, but I don't know if I could ever feel that for another man. I have never ever been attracted to another man. If I didn't have you - there just wouldn't be anyone else. And the same goes for girls. If I didn't have you, it's not like I would just meet some girl and have some kind of traditional relationship. I mean, I've been with girls before, and it's not so much that it felt wrong ... we just feel right. I don't know. Emotions are emotions, whether they're directed at a girl or a guy, and I can't even begin to say what I could or couldn't feel for some imaginary person out there I don't even know. "There's no way I could tell my parents this. They wouldn't get it. I don't get it. If you have to put a label on it, what does the hell does that mean I am? Am I straight with a twist of gayness? Or is it the other way around? I don't know. And I don't want my parents to know until I definitely do." JC nodded. "I understand." "I'm sorry I'm backing out on this," Justin apologized. "You told your parents and now I'm just being a jerk by backing out." "Justin, get up," JC requested. Justin did as he was told and JC got into a sitting position facing him. "You're mad, aren't you?" Justin said, his eyes filling with tears. "I'm sorry, Josh, please don't be mad." "Justin, don't cry, sweetie. I just wanted to look at you when I said this." JC ran his left hand through Justin's hair and let it rest on the back of his neck. "You haven't done anything wrong. We didn't make some sort of deal. I told my parents because I wanted to. I thought it was time. You'll tell them when you think it's time. That's all that really matters. I only want you to do things for you, not for me." Justin took JC's other hand and pressed it to his chest. "If I could take that warmth I feel in my heart when I'm with you, and tell someone exactly what it's like, I would tell my parents in a second. But I can't ... so I can't." "I know, baby," JC said. "It's okay. The only people who have to know what that's like are you and me. Oh, and I almost forgot to tell you, my dad says that he's sorry about everything that happened and he's very happy that I am blessed with someone like you." "Are you fucking with me?" "No, I swear I'm not. He called while you were in the shower." "Wow," Justin said, a bit surprised. "That was nice of him." "Didn't my mom tell you I have a nice family?" JC said. "Now come over here and lie down with me, and we can pretend that we're the only two people in the world." Justin smiled and crawled over to JC, who covered them with a blanket and turned off the lamp next to the bed. JC pulled him closer so that they could spoon. "Your hair is tickling my face," he said, breaking the short silence. "So what?" Justin shot back. "Your chest hair is tickling my back, but you don't hear me complaining." JC laughed. "Good night, sweetie." Weird place to end, but I couldn't think of a conclusion. Visit my website (http://www.geocities.com/laughter_and_tears) to see this story in html format (ooh ... pretty colors) and to be notified by e-mail right when this story is updated. Thanks so much for reading!