Date: Sat, 9 Oct 1999 18:13:14 EDT
From: Storywrightr@aol.com
Subject: All Grown Up

Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. It contains characters who
share names, descriptions, etc., with real-life people (specifically
members of the groups *N SYNC and Backstreet Boys); however, this is all
fantasy and in no way is to insinuate anything about those people.

A big thank you to Eriker for her encouragement and inspiration; she's a
great new friend.

This is a one-part, one-time-only story. I think it's complete as
presented-- allowing each reader to come to their own conclusions about
what is not written here. Comments will be welcomed and appreciated--good
or bad! E-mail me at storywrightr@aol.com. Thanks.


All Grown Up


J: Hello?

B: Justin?

J: Yes. Who's this?

B: It's me. How are you?

J: Me? Brian? Is that you?

B: Yeah. How are you?

J: Fine--perhaps a little surprised to hear from you.

B: Should I not have called?

J: No, no--that's not what I meant. I was just caught off guard, I guess.

B: That's okay . . . you don't have to be on guard with me.

J: [pause] I didn't mean it that way.

B: I know. I was just trying to make a joke, I guess. I guess not a very
good one either.

J: That's okay. Why did you call? I mean, it's okay--but it is a surprise.

B: Um, I just wanted to talk to you. Wanted to catch up. It's been a long
time since we talked.

J: Yeah, it has been. When did we talk last? I can't remember. Guess
we haven't seen each other since we ran into each other in LA--what?--
the beginning of last year?

B: Yeah, that was the last time.

J: Are you well Brian?

B: Yeah, I'm doing pretty good, actually.

J: Good, I'm glad. You know that I would never want anything but
good things for you. I hope you know that.

B: Yeah, I know that. And me for you. [long pause] So I saw that you
did that show in Vegas. I watched it on the Web.

J: [laughing] Yeah. Remember how we all swore we'd never turn into
those former stars who hang on just to perform their old songs in
Vegas? And here I am!

B: Hey, that wasn't the same thing. You did a great show. And you
were doing a lot of new stuff--you aren't living off your old hits. You
never have.

J: Well, thanks. I do love to sing, but it's starting to seem less and less
worth it. I'm really enjoying doing some work with some new young
singers. They have so much energy and some great fresh ideas. I have
two groups I'm working with right now. They seem to appreciate the
old man's advice--or maybe they're just being polite. I'm trying to help
them avoid some of the mistakes we made--or were made for us or to
us because we didn't have enough say over what we were doing. I try to
let them make their own decisions--even if they are just starting out.

B: That sounds great. I love hearing the enthusiasm in your voice when
you talk about them.

J: Oh? Yeah, I guess I am really into it. When it boils down to it, I
guess it's just about helping others, huh? I mean, that human contact.
Maybe that's why I'm not into performing as much. I know performers
affect their fans, but it's gotten to be a little too distant for my taste
these days. I like being face to face with the people I'm dealing with.

B: Yeah, I know what you mean. The industry is nothing like it was
when we were the big acts, huh? I guess some of it's better and some is
worse.

J: Yeah, that's for sure. What about you? I have to admit that I haven't
been following the industry news much. What have you been up to?
[pause] I'm sorry, I didn't mean that to be hurtful. I really have just lost
track of what anybody is doing these days.

B: No, that's okay. Why would you know? [pause] I'm really in the
background these days. But I have been writing the last few years. A lot
of what I write never gets sung by anyone--at least not in any public
way. But I have been showing some of my stuff to a few artists lately--
both ones from our day and younger ones. I'm doing a lot of ballads. It
seems no matter where music goes, people who sing all kinds of music
like to put ballads in sometimes. I've even gotten good enough with my
Spanish to do some Spanish lyrics myself--with a lot of polishing by
someone else. But I'm getting there.

J: That's great Brian. I'm so happy for you--so happy that you are
writing. You really are talented, you know.

B: I guess. It's what I enjoy the most. Much more than performing--not
that I get too many offers for that these days! But that's okay. I like
behind-the-scenes.

J: Hey, I'm sure you could get just as many gigs as you wanted, if you
wanted them.

B: I guess. I guess I've just realized that I really don't want any.

J: Well, that's good to realize.

B: [long pause] You know what next week is, right? I mean, did you
think about it?  . . . Do you ever think about us?

J: [pause] Oh Brian . . .

B: I'm sorry Just. I didn't mean to say something wrong.

J: Is that why you called?

B: I just can't help thinking about it Justin . . . Twenty years ago next
week . . . That's a long time.

J: That's right. It was a long time ago. A very long time.

B: Oh. I guess I shouldn't have called.

J: No Brian; I'm okay with you calling. But I guess I just don't think
there's much reason to talk about something that will only result in
opening old wounds.

B: Oh. I guess I don't think of our time together as just "wounds."

J: See, Brian? This is what I mean. Let's not do this. Let's not hurt each
other.

B: I didn't mean to hurt you by calling.

J: And you didn't. But it seems like I may have already hurt you by
what I said. I don't want to do that.

B: But do you just think of those years as bad? Nothing good from
them?

J: Brian! No! I mean, even if there was nothing else, there's our
daughter!

B: Yeah. And she is wonderful. I'm so proud of her.

J: Yeah, me too. Not that I feel like I deserve to have much pride. Not
sure that I can take any credit for how she turned out.

B: What do you mean? You've been a wonderful father to her!

J: Yeah, right. The first few years touring and leaving her--even if we
had promised ourselves we wouldn't. Then all the arguing and crying
and craziness she had to witness at such a young age! It's a wonder she
isn't a total mess. Her strength must be genetic--I don't think it's
anything that her adopted parents gave her.

B: I don't believe that. I see so much of you in her. She's learned a lot
from you Justin.

J: Well, I'm thankful for your mother. Jackie's the one that deserves the
credit for how she turned out. Jackie made a lot of sacrifices. She had
her for a lot of important years.

B: Yeah, but you've had her with you a lot for the past five years.

J: Yeah, as a teenager. But let's be real--if she hadn't already learned
some important things about life, it would have been a little late at age
13 to instill much important stuff into her. [pause] You know she
worships you, right?

B: No! But I do know that she loves me. That's the greatest blessing
I've ever had in my life. And after all she had to put up with during her
life. I wonder . . .

J: [pause] You wonder what?

B: I can't help but wonder sometimes if she would have been better off
being adopted by some other couple. A nice stable home . . . If we
hadn't pulled so many strings--put out so much money to get her. What
if just some nice normal family had taken her in.

J: Brian . . . look what a wonderful person she's become! We must have
done something right along the way! Or as I said, Jackie did. Yeah, she
had a crazy life--hectic anyway. But you know what? I do believe she
knew she was loved. By us. By her grandparents. By all her crazy
uncles! We did give her love!

B: I was disappointed that she didn't finish school. . . . I wanted her to
have that kind of normalcy in her life.

J: She's really talented, Brian; she had opportunities and felt she had to
take them. You know, I bet we're in an Oscar acceptance speech
someday! . . . Anyway, she made her choices. And she's strong and
independent and happy. She's a smart girl going after what she wants.

B: I know . . . see? I told you she was like you!

J: [laughing] What do you mean?

B: For only 18, she's sure strong headed. And like another 18 year old I
remember, she's convinced everyone around her to let her do what she
wants.

J: [pause] Well, I hope her choices turn out well for her.

B: You mean you hope her choices turn out better than yours did.

J: I didn't say that!

B: Well, pretty close. It's okay, you don't have to protect me. You can
say you wish you'd made other choices.

J: I'm not trying to protect you. And yes, how many people can look
back at their lives and not wish they had made some of their choices
differently. Can you?

B: No. There are plenty of choices I would have made differently. But
there are some--some of the big ones--that I'm glad I made as I did.

J: Well, of course. I don't want to change everything about my life.

B: That's a relief.

J: Did I detect just a little sarcasm there?

B: Sorry. I didn't mean to be sarcastic. I guess I'm just feeling like some
of the most important things in my life were maybe not as important to
you.

J: That's not fair Brian. It was a long time ago. We were SO young! We
were little boys playing at adult games--in our work, our business, our
love. I mean, we had no idea what we were doing.

B: We were in love. Weren't we? Or don't you even believe that
anymore?

J: [quietly] We were in love. Yes we certainly were in love. Or at least
what we thought love was. But no matter what the fairy tales say, that's
not enough. Especially not if you are young and immature.

B: I guess I still believe in the power of love.

J: Well, that's good for your songs.

B: Ouch, that was a little low.

J: Sorry, it came out harsher than I meant it to. [pause] I believe in the
power of love. I just also believe in the power of maturity, strong
relationships, and honesty--with ourselves and others.

B: Yeah, I guess you need them all working together, huh? [pause] But
do you have any pleasant memories of our time together?

J: Oh Brian . . . of course I do. We had some wonderful, joyous times. Like two little boys playing together.
Best friends. But I could fill my swimming pool with the tears we shed--I SHED--during those years! I
cringe to think about what I was like. I don't know how anyone could stand to be around me! So self-
indulgent! So self-consumed! I mean, the jealousy! The fear of being alone for even a day! That's not love
Brian . . . that's some kind of sick codependent relationship. And as I said, the only excuse I can come up
with is that we were very young. At least that's the only reason I'm comfortable with. I really don't think we
wanted to hurt each other, but we certainly did! And a lot of other people in the process. Wasn't it a relief
when it was over? When the pain was finally over?

B: You forget . . . I wasn't so aware of my feelings the last couple of
years--or the couple after that.

J: Yeah, well, that contributed to it all too.

B: I know, I'm sorry--that's all I can say, is that I'm sorry . . . and live
my life differently one day at a time.

J: Hey--you've really turned your life around. I'm very proud of you. I
said that that contributed to things--it certainly wasn't the only reason--
or even the biggest. We had so many pressures. So many people
dependent on the "business" that we were--like some kind of living
money-making machines. Too many people. It was all too big.

B: Yeah, it was. Too much of it was about the money. Especially the
last years when everyone knew that the end was coming. Everyone
wanted one last hit on the money wheel!

J: Yep, that's true.

B: [pause] Um, about my drinking? I'm about to reach my eighth
anniversary. Eight years sober.

J: Oh Brian! That's really wonderful! I'm so proud of you! Really--
really! I'm so happy for you!

B: Thanks. That makes me feel good to hear you say that.

J: I know that your drinking contributed to our problems, but I also
know enough--can admit enough--to say that I contributed to your
drinking too. I sure wasn't making life very easy on you. I think I'd get
an A+ in enabling, what do you think?

B: Hey, I'm not judging anybody. [quietly] Especially not you.

J: Please Brian! Let's not set up little Justin as some perfect person. I
had my faults. Unfortunately, most of them don't have a twelve-step
program to help with them. Well, CODA. But my problems went a lot
deeper than that. It took a lot of years in therapy to understand some of
what was going on--and to start living a life that I was more
comfortable with.

B: That was really good for you, huh?

J: Yeah, once I let go and let it work for me. When I got honest with
him and with myself. I know you resented it. You thought it finished us
off. And in some ways it did. If I hadn't been in therapy I wouldn't have
had the courage to move out and move on. To start to grow up--no
matter how late.

B: Yeah, I guess I resented it. But I've also been on the other side now
and know how important it's been in my life.

J: I'm glad. Are you seeing someone now? I mean are you seeing a
therapist now?

B: Yeah. Going on six years, I guess. It's good. Not all fun--but good.
I've learned a lot about myself. Learned a lot about why I've done some
of the things I have in my life.

J: Yeah, that's the value of it. Unfortunately it doesn't necessarily mean
that we change or change as fast as we'd like or that things get fixed,
but it really does make a difference when you understand some of the
reasons you do the things you do. Helps to keep from repeating
mistakes sometimes.

B: Yeah. And helps to evaluate what's important and not. [long pause]
Listen, I don't know if it's appropriate for me to ask you this or not--
whatever that means--I mean are there rules for two guys that were
together and then not together?

J: Brian, what are you talking about? Appropriate to ask me what?

B: Well, for my anniversary--my AA anniversary--I'm going to speak
at a meeting. And . . . oh never mind . . . sorry.

J: Brian! What? I'm sorry, am I being dense here? I don't know what
you're talking about.

B: I was wanting to ask you to come to the meeting. [long pause] Sorry,
I know that's a lot to ask. And like you said, we shouldn't start hurting
each other again.

J: Is that what it would be? Would it be hurtful? Would I be hurt?

B: I don't know. I wouldn't want you to be. But we do try to be honest.
I guess it could be hurtful if it's hurtful for you to hear me speak about
the old days. The days when I was drinking. And about how and why I
stopped.

J: I guess I know the story--I've never heard it from you, but I've
certainly pieced it together. The accident. Your injuries.

B: Well, you of all people should know not to believe everything you
see on those tabloid sites! [laughing; then calmly] Yeah, the accident,
the injuries. But more, the loss . . . the sadness . . . the loneliness . . . I
mean I'd lost . . . [whisper] you; [pause, then stronger voice again] I'd
lost our family; I'd lost the guys--even as friends. I'd lost my career . . .
[long pause; a sound that could be crying] I guess I have some work to
do on this before I'm ready to stand in front of a group, huh? [pause]
When I was in the hospital feeling sorry for myself and going through
detox at the same time--though all the pain killers really kept me from
having to feel my body go through alcohol withdrawal--I had a lot of
time to think--and to feel sorry for myself. But it could have been so
much worse. I came so close to running over a little girl on a bicycle
just before I hit that tree. So close! A girl just the age our little girl was
then. I kept thinking about the loss her parents would have felt--what
we would have felt.

J: You know that it was your mother's decision not to let her visit you
in the hospital . . . she just didn't want her to see you that way.

B: I know. And I agreed. As much as I wanted to see her, I couldn't
stand the idea of her seeing me banged up and in traction--and drugged.
It was after I'd been there a week or so that I had my first visitor other
than my mother. It was Nick. After all we'd been through--after all I'd
put him through--it was Nick that came to visit. It wasn't all that
friendly a visit. He kind of yelled at me. Asked me if I had finally done
enough damage to myself and the people who loved me. Asked if I was
done trying to kill myself. I started to wonder if I was glad he had
come. But somewhere in there, as his eyes filled with tears, it finally hit
me that he was there because he loved me. Oh not the way he had
thought he loved me years before--he was already settled with JC by
that time--I mean really settled with him. But as a friend--a brother. He
was really trying to help me. I reached out with my arm that wasn't in a
cast and pulled him to me. We just held each other and had a good long
cry. I promised him then and there that I would overcome this thing.
Before he left I called and made an appointment to see a psychiatrist in
the hospital who dealt with alcohol abuse. I even went to my first
meeting that week right there in the hospital--or the meeting came to
me! The psychiatrist got me in touch with some people in AA--staff
and patients--and they came and gathered around my bed and had an
impromptu meeting to allow me to get started. That's the day that I'll be
celebrating the eighth anniversary of.

J: I didn't know that Nick did that for you. He really was always a good
friend to you, wasn't he?

B: [small laugh] I can't believe YOU said "always"! I mean I remember
some times he wasn't a very good friend to me--to us; certainly not to
you.

J: Yeah, well, we got through those times for the most part. I mean, if I
can justify my actions by saying I was young and immature, I guess I
owe it to him to let him use the same excuse. Anyway, you know that
we've stayed friends through the years. I mean, with him being with JC,
I do see him once in a while. And he has turned out to be a good man.

B: Yeah, little Nicky has grown up a lot. And who'd have thought that
he and JC would really end up together and make it last all this time.
Remember all the back and forth and craziness in their lives? I guess in
the end their love was strong enough to make it.

J: [pause] As opposed to ours?

B: Yeah, I guess.

J: Did you ever think that it might have been all the craziness that
allowed them to finally end up in a good and strong relationship? I
mean, the breakups, the other men, all the shit they went through. In the
end, they could actually choose each other with better self-knowledge
than we could have.

B: Oh, so we should have been with other men? Was that our problem?

J: Brian . . . you know what I mean.

B: No, I'm not sure I do.

J: Not have other men, necessarily, but if we had lived life more before
we became so tied to each other. I mean, we were two little boys who
loved each other. Then we had sex. Then it seemed the only thing we
could do about all that was to get married--like we were some straight
couple in the fifties! I mean, it's a wonderful fairy tale. And I guess we
lived a fairy tale for a while--but not a very comfortable one. I just
mean that a person who has had some time to grow up and have a little
more self-knowledge and experience is much better equipped to make a
commitment to another person. Someone who isn't just searching for
safety and security. Someone who has developed that on his own--and
for himself. It's only in the past couple years that I've come to the point
that I think I'm finally ready for a mature, healthy, adult relationship.
Unfortunately, it took two failed relationships with men I really loved
to get to this point. But I had to get to the point that I know who I am
and get my sense of security from ME. Now maybe if I ever have
another chance, I will be able to bring something to the relationship
other than just neediness. I mean I still have my needs--I am human!
But I think I understand them. I also think I have something more to
offer the other guy now.

B: What do you mean, if you have another chance? Justin, you are as
beautiful at 38 as you were at 18! You could have anyone you wanted.
[quietly] And I hope you will find someone who makes you happy.

J: Well, thanks for the compliments, but that's sort of the point--I don't
really need someone to make me happy. I AM happy--for the most part.
As much as anyone deserves, I think. I have a wonderful daughter who
turned out to be a spectacular person despite my involvement; I have
wonderful friends; I have money enough to live comfortably; I get to
dabble in music and other things that make me happy and fulfill me. So
if I never have another "love," then that's okay. I guess I'll still be better
off than most people in the world.

B: Good. I'm glad you are happy, Just. You do sound good. Strong. I
guess all grown up, huh?

J: Yeah, well, let's not get carried away! [laughing] I think I still have a
lot of growing to do. Hopefully I have the time to do it too. It's funny, a
lot of the time I still feel like I'm 18, you know? I mean, I've been
blessed--and maybe all that dancing didn't hurt; but my body still feels
the same as it did way back then.

B: Wish I could say that.

J: I'm sorry Brian--I didn't mean to bring up a bad subject.

B: No--no! I'm happy for you. I have to live with the outcome of my
mistakes--and the pain--both physical and emotional.

J: How is the pain. Are you in pain--physically?

B: I'm okay. I can't do everything I once did, but that's okay. I probably
can do as much as most 44 year olds--or maybe more. I look at guys
that are my age and think, "Surely I don't look like that!"

J: Well, unless you have hired a really good touch-up artist, the pictures
I've seen of you lately look pretty good.

B: Why thank you!

J: I think I just "heard" your silly smile!

B: Yeah, I think you did.

J: That's nice. I think that was the first time in this whole conversation.

B: Yeah, well, we've been talking pretty seriously for the most part.

J: Well, it was nice not to for a couple minutes.

B: [pause] Just? I'm sorry that you and Jason didn't last. I mean, I had
hoped that you'd found someone right for you.

J: Hmmm . . . yeah, I did too. And maybe I did. Maybe I just wasn't
ready yet. He's a good man. Just has a few problems--like most of us
do. And unfortunately his problems and my problems clashed.

B: You said you were finally feeling like you were ready for a
relationship . . . would you consider getting together with him again?

J: Jason? God no! [pause] Well, that was perhaps a little strong!
[laughing lightly] For one thing, Jason is living with someone, and as
far as I know, they are very happy together. I hope so. But even if he
wasn't, Jason and I met at a CODA meeting. And I don't think either of
us had been going long enough! I'm afraid we kind of molded ourselves
into old patterns pretty quickly. Maybe if I met him for the first time
today . . . but no, I don't think he's really changed. I don't think he's
grown. I think he's just found a codependent relationship that works for
him--for them--for now. Maybe it will always work.

B: I see. And no one else in the picture?

J: No. I'm certainly not looking. I'm enjoying the freedom of being
alone. I like it. I like pursuing my interests and not having to be
concerned with what it might be doing to someone or to a relationship.
It's a wonderful freedom. One day, when I can manage, and the right
man is available, maybe I can have it all . . . but it's not going to happen
today!

B: Yeah, I understand.

J: Do you?

B: Huh? Yeah! I do! Hey, I haven't been snoozing in all those AA
meetings over the past eight years!

J: [laughs]

B: [laughing lightly, then becoming serious] I've learned a lot. And
even more in therapy. I've actually worked on a lot of the issues you are
talking about. I can finally be at peace alone. I don't have to fill my
time and my life with stuff--and especially not with booze. I go to the
beach sometimes and just spend hours alone. That's actually when I do
my best work. And it is pretty good, Justin--I really think so. I
mentioned the ballads? But I've been working on a musical too. You
know? Like an old-fashioned musical with story and everything. I'm
really proud of it Just! I've only shown a couple of the songs to a few
people. They were really complimentary. But I have a lot of it that no
one has seen or heard yet. It feels good. It feels good to create
something. Something I hope will also mean something to other people.

J: That's really great Bri! I can't wait to hear it!

B: Really? Would you want to hear it?

J: [pause, then quietly] Yeah, Bri--of course I would.

B: I'd like for you to hear it. I'd be afraid, but I'd like it.

J: Afraid? Why? What would be the big deal?

B: Justin . . . You were always my biggest fan. But I also know that
you're a very good musician. You know your stuff. If you liked it, I'd
know that it was good. But you'd also know if I was just wasting my
time. But I'm not wasting my time--cause I'm doing it mostly just for
the joy of doing it. Even if no one ever hears it.

J: Hey, don't think you're going to be one of those great composers who
leaves behind his greatest work to be discovered after he's dead! Don't
hold out on us--let the world hear it!

B: [laughing] Funny! I won't hide it. But I want to do some more work
before letting it really be heard.

J: That's okay. But I hope you will let me hear it at some point.

B: I will. [pause] So that's been a big part of my life the last year. And
it's letting me express a lot of feelings that had been kind of all cooped
up in me. It's a great way to get them out. To express them. That's how
I'm doing some of that growing that you were talking about. Some of
that maturing. I don't know if I'm really ready to be in a relationship
again, but I hope to be healthy enough one day. I guess I maybe don't
think I have to be all fixed up before I can be with someone again. I
mean, I think being in a relationship is the only way I'm going to be
able to learn some of the lessons I need to learn--to feel the feelings and
to find out if I've grown or not. I certainly understand myself a lot more
than I did--and that helps; but if I wait until I'm perfect, let's face it, that
ain't going to happen!

J: Yeah, that's a good point. One I should think about. It may just be
another aspect of my perfectionism and my avoidance that keeps me
thinking I have to get myself all fixed up perfect before I can be in a
relationship again. I'll have to think on that one. [pause] So, you seeing
anyone now?

B: Me? No! . . . No. . . . I mean, I never have much. I mean, for a
couple dates or for a really short time or something, but not really.
Never really connected with anyone. You talked about that part of our
problem was that we hadn't been with other guys, but I don't know. I
guess so--but just because it's natural to wonder what others would be
like. I mean it's just human nature, right? Straight people get to at least
do it with dances and stuff in junior high school and high school--even
college; they get to try out lots of partners--if not sexually, just trying
the personalities. We never had that chance. But when I did have the
chance, I just discovered that I was right all along--I had had the man of
my dreams--the great love of my life. . . . and I let him get away.

J: Oh Brian . . . you can't let yourself think like that.

B: Why not? It's true. And I know you think this just means I haven't
changed. But Justin, it really means I have! Honestly I don't sit around
and cry about it. I do have a good life. Like you said--I have good
friends. Most of them are new since we were together--most of the old
friends wouldn't have anything to do with me--even now. And that's
okay--maybe even good--for all of us. And as you said, I have our
daughter. For whatever reason, she still loves me . . . and I cherish her
beyond any words! And my work. Luckily all those royalties still pay
the bills and give me the freedom to work on music that means
something to me--not just music that might sell. No, I have a good life.
If I were to be in a relationship today, it would be the icing on a very
nice cake that doesn't even need it. But it would make it all the more
special.

J: That's a really nice way to put it--a nice way to think about it.

B: But with a more mature and clearer mind, I absolutely believe that I
had the love of my life. I'm not doing self-pity stuff here--I'm being
very honest with myself--and for once, with you. I don't sit and cry
over us Justin. But I think it's also healthy to realize what I had and
what I don't have. I'm not saying I could never be happy with another
man or that there will never be another man in my life, I'm just saying
that with all the bad stuff we went through, all the jealousy, all the pain
and hurt, all the difficulties, you were still the love of my life--and you
still are. I still fill with joy when I think of you. And pain and sadness
that you aren't in my life anymore. But mostly joy. Especially at what
kind of man you've become. I guess if I had it to do over again, I'd
somehow put off our getting together and try to just be good friends
with you. Get to know you. Make sure you were in my life. Then when
we were both more prepared and more ready, get together. And make
you mine forever. And I'd have put all the other stuff out of the way.
Have you ever thought about what might have happened if we had quit
our groups? I mean, we stayed because we loved the performing--we
loved the guys--AND we had contracts. But what would have happened
if we had just quit it all? Or what would have happened if we had quit
and each gone solo--or become a duo? We thought we were staying for
the guys--out of love for them. But look how it turned out. We
probably would have hurt them less--in every way--if we had just left
and done our own thing. There's no real reason to think they wouldn't
have survived without us. But of course this is all just whatever. You
know St. Augustine wrote that all of life is predestined. That we really
have no choices in our lives. The idea is that we just THINK we make
choices. That if you look back at the big decisions in your life, there
was just one clear decision to make--that there really was no question.

J: [with a small laugh] When did you start reading philosophers?
[pause] So we had no choice but to live the lives we did? Is that what
you are saying?

B: I don't know. I don't remember ever feeling I had much choice in
any of it. I told myself--and you--and the others--that I was doing it for
love. Maybe I was doing it for fear or some other need. Or maybe
because I was too immature to know any better. But I don't really
remember feeling I had much choice about any of it. It always seemed
that things just kept going. Course, that's why I've been in therapy and
in the program--to get clearer on my choices. Maybe it's predestination,
but maybe it's different with healthy knowledge--maybe predestined
knowledge! [laugh] Anyway, with that knowledge, the obvious--maybe
even predestined--choice can be something other than it would have
been without that self-knowledge. [pause] Am I making any sense?

J: [with a small laugh] Yeah, for some unknown reason, you are
making a LOT of sense! Isn't that scary!

B: Hey! I'm allowed to grow up too! And to get a little smarter. And a
lot wiser. That does come with age, you know? Even if you don't try to
gain it!

J: And you are so much older than me! [laughing]

B: Hey! Watch it little boy!

J: [softly] Yeah, I will.

B: You're as sweet as you ever were--but now with a maturity that
makes it seem all the more precious.

J: [almost whispering] Brian don't.

B: Don't what? I'm not meaning to make you uncomfortable. Gee, Just,
we've grown and changed, but who knows us better than the other one?
I mean, you don't know me grown up, maybe; maybe I don't really
know the man you've become over the past ten years, but as you said,
we were like kids together. We're like family--in the strongest sense of
that word. We certainly knew each other then. [pause] And I know this
will make you uncomfortable to hear, but I'd love more than anything
to get to know the man you've become . . . and to show you that maybe
I've grown up some too. [pause] I'm sorry, I don't mean to make you
uncomfortable--and I really don't want to hurt you or make you sad . . .
I just had to say those things. Had to go after what could mean having
the greatest joy of my life back in my life.

J: It doesn't hurt me. It does make me a little uncomfortable. But not as
much as I would have thought it might. [pause] Don't know why.

B: Well, I'm glad I didn't cause you pain, anyway. I wish I could still
cause you joy. I wish my love for you could cause you joy.

J: Oh Brian. You gave me so much joy. And maybe if I'm honest with
myself you still do. I don't know . . . I guess I know what therapy will
be dealing with tomorrow, don't I? [laughing nervously]

B: [with a smile in his voice] Yeah. . . . So you're still seeing him?

J: Yeah. Once a week--though I might be scheduling some extra
sessions! [laughing]

B: That sounds like a good idea! [laughing too; then serious] Justin, I
don't know what will come of any of this--if anything. But thank you--I
mean really thank you! For letting me talk to you. For letting me feel at
ease enough to tell you these things. It means a lot to me, you know?

J: You don't have to thank me Bri. You have always held a big place in
my heart--and I guess you always will. As you said, no matter what the
future holds.

B: Thanks for saying that.

J: Brian! Stop saying "thank you"! [laughing]

B: [laughing too] Okay, okay! I got it! [pause] What a wonderful
sound--you laughing; us laughing. That's the best music we ever made.

J: Ah, the poet re-emerges! . . . I'd love to hear your ballads--or at least
read some of the lyrics. May I?

B: Sure. I'll "e" you some today--both some with sound and some just
words.

J: Thanks. I'll look forward to it. [pause] Brian?

B: Yeah, ba--I mean--I'm sorry. . . . What were you going to say Justin?

J: [pause, then a very small laugh--just an audible smile] When is your
meeting? When will you be speaking for your eighth anniversary? I
don't know the actual anniversary date.

B: [quietly] Well, it's the same as our anniversary . . . it was on our
twelfth anniversary that I had that first meeting in the hospital. The
accident was just the week before what would have been our twelfth
anniversary. So my eighth anniversary for AA is the same as our
twentieth anniversary.

J: [also quietly] Oh, I didn't know. [pause] So are you speaking that
day?

B: Yeah. If that's way too uncomfortable for you, I understand--you can
just say so. You don't have to like make up an excuse or anything.

J: Hey, you're forgetting, I'm an adult now! I tell the truth--for the most
part! [both laugh] No, I'd like to be there. You wouldn't ask if it wasn't
important to you. I think it's maybe important for me too. Not all
the important things are very comfortable, but I'm trying to do the
important ones these days. And this certainly qualifies, I think.

B: Thanks Just. Really! Thank you. And if you decide that you really
aren't comfortable with it, just let me know, okay?

J: Sure. Don't forget to send me your songs--if you are ready to share
them. I'd like to hear them or read them or whatever. Hey, maybe I
could do one of them?

B: That would be wonderful! But I'd just like you to see them. I hope
you like what you see.

J: I bet I will. You've always been really talented Bri.

B: Thanks. That means a lot to me. [pause] Well, I guess I better go.
Thanks again for talking to me Just. Really thanks! You don't know
how much this has meant to me.

J: Maybe I do . . . Thanks for calling Brian. It's meant a lot to me too. I
have a lot to think about.

B: Yeah, I guess we both do . . . We'll keep those shrinks busy for
weeks! [laughing]

J: [joining in the laughter] Yeah, we will.

B: [pause, then just a whisper] Okay--bye Justin.

J: [also whispering] Bye Bri.