This story contains graphical descriptions of homosexuality between consenting adult males. If this is not your desire to read such kind of articles, or you are not of consenting age in wherever you are residing, please do not continue.

This story is written completely based on fantasies. The author does not know the celebrities, establishments, cities or countries mentioned in the story, hence has no knowledge on the sexuality of the celebrities mentioned. It is of pure coincidence if the story should resemble any real life experience of any individual.

Classification: RPS
Catergory: Angst
Part: 1/1
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Jeffrew
Copyright: © 2002 Jasper Jeff
Author Notes: Please don't kill me for doing this...
Summary: A birthday without Jeff.

August 8

It would be August 8th the next day. It was going to be my 25th birthday.

It no longer mattered anyway.

Because Jeff didn't want me.

Not anymore.

I wrote a letter yesterday. Just trying to explain.
Couldn't find the words to say. Cause you are so far away.
So far away.
I wrote a letter yesterday. It's so hard for me to face.
That it had to end this way. But my love will never change.
Will never change.
When I search my soul to find the truth about the love we shared.
I wonder why you're no longer here.

Nick and Justin were sound asleep in their respective hotel rooms. We were in mine. Unbeknownst to the two of them, we had been going out. They would disagree. Nick loved Jeff as a brother, but he would be jealous of him for himself was supposed to be the closest to me. Typical over-protective jealous big brother. Justin might probably say it would be bad to the group if things didn't work out for us.

But we both knew then, it was a love that would last.

It was about a month after we went steady. As we got hotter by the minute, room temperature rose. It was rather normal for guys in our early twenties - hormones were still going strong but experiences taught us control and techniques.

We were patient enough to wait until our test results to come back. To wait until we were sure that we were seeing each other exclusively. Both results were negative. A healthy medical record and the promise of monogamy, we would be enjoying the closest two people could get - without the safety barrier.

Clothes were literally everywhere from the door to the bed. I couldn't wait to be with him. Neither could he hold off any longer. Of course, sex wasn't the major part in our blossoming relation. But it sure was an inseparable part.

I had wanted this since we started going out. And I decided I would give myself completely to him, on our very first night together.

I was no virgin. But I wanted to give everything I had to this man that I loved. Totally surrendering myself for this man to possess was the best way to prove my love for him. As badly as I wanted to make this a memorable night, I checked every resource I could tap into. I had to learn as much as I could about being a bottom.

He noticed my lack of experiences. There was a tear from him. He said it was because he was deeply touched.

"You didn't have to. I'm just as happy in any way I can be with you."

"I wanted to. Now I'm complete thanks to you. I felt your love embrace me when you were inside."

"Silly you."

"Promise me that you'll love me, forever."

"I promise."

About a week later, he wanted to feel my love. I took him for the first time in a way no other man did before.

We were then complete with each other.

We were cuddling in his hotel room, mindlessly flipping through channels. Nothing was on.

Suddenly, a song came into my mind and I started singing softly.

Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darlin'.
Do you feel my heart beating. Do you understand?
Do you feel the same? Am I only dreaming?
Is this burning an eternal flame?
I believe. It's meant be, darlin'.
I watch you when you are sleeping. You belong with me.
Do you feel the same? Am I only dreaming?
Or is this burning an eternal flame.

I felt his arms around me tightened.

"It's beautiful. Do you know I love this song?"

"Not until you just told me."

"I love it. Sometimes, I wondered if there'd be someone singing this to me."

"I just did. I can sing for you any time, if you're not tired of my singing yet."

"Go on. Keep singing. I can't get enough of it."

I melt into his arms singing the words with our love.

Nick sighed and Justin smiled. It was when we told them about us.

It became a ridiculous competition for Nick to fight for my attention. Jealous big brother frightened to lose his younger brother to his best friend. Jess said he was being silly and topped it off with fit of laughters. Justin joined her. Nick turned bright red.

Jeff, being his playful self, made sure Nick saw him kissing me every time the three of us were in the same room.

I didn't object to that show of affection. Truth to be told, I enjoyed seeing Nick getting annoyed.

And of course, I loved it whenever Jeff kissed me.

"Why do you always have to go half naked for a photo shoot or something?"

"'Cos they want to see my chest."

"I hate them."

"Do you hate yourself? You like seeing me half naked too. Or do you prefer me totally nude?"

"You're my boyfriend! I AM allowed to and supposed to enjoy seeing you in any stage of dressed or undressed."

"That's valid."

"And do you really have to wear those semi-transparent clothes they give you?"

"I look good in them, don't I."

"I don't want to have other people ogling over you like wolves over a piece of meat."

"Being possessive?"

"I don't know... I'm so frustrated about this. Why can't they just go ogle at Nick?!"

"Come here..." He pulled me into a tight embrace, kissing on my forehead. "I don't care how they look at me, and you shouldn't care anymore about that. There's only you in my eyes."

"I'm just... insecure. I'm afraid one of them might take you away from me."

"No faith in me?"

"I believe in you. I'm just so damn scared that I may not be good enough for you. And maybe one day, you might leave me for someone better. You're too beautiful..."

"You're my beautiful boy. There's no one going to be better than you for me."

We were the perfect couple amongst friends. Whenever away from the public eyes, we would hold hands. A simple gesture to remind ourselves that the other was there. Absentmindedly, I would bring his hand up and kiss softly on the back of it. Our friends would rolled their eyes as if they hadn't seen it thousands of times before. He would simply gave me his sweetest smile thanking me.

Friends would complain but we didn't care.

We might not be out to the world, but we were happy on our little world.

I've been talking in my sleep. About the way it used to be.
Girl, I pray that you'll hear me. And then I'll see you in my dreams.
Oh, in my dreams.
But I can't forget the words you said to move on with my life.
And no matter what I'll carry you inside.

We started arguing and fighting over minor things. I thought it was quite normal. Didn't most couples involved themselves in mindless fights?

Both of us were the stubborn type. But ten out of ten times, I gave in. Fighting with the man I loved wasn't a pleasant idea. So I let him win.

He wanted ESPN instead of CNN. He won.

He wanted chinese instead of pizza. He won.

He wanted a vacation in Panama City instead of going up the Rockies. He won.

He was tired and needed more space to relax. I slept on the couch.

I molded myself to fit him. I didn't care about what I wanted anymore. What he wanted was what I wanted.

He was standing there, in only his boxers, watching out the windows. Weak lights from the outside casted on him like a halo. He was my angel from heaven.

He had been distancing himself. I didn't know since when it had begun, but it was getting more apparently.

He were always busy and didn't stay over in my place as frequently. And when he did, the bed was just a bed for sleeping in. It felt worse than sharing a bed with a mere friend. We were making love less than before. Even with him next to me, I felt alone.

I came up to him from behind, hands trembling trying to wrap around his waist. A chill ran down my spine and I needed his warmth to keep me from freezing in my loneliness. He pulled away at the first brush of my fingers against his skin.

"I'm tired. Let's get to bed."

He left where he had been standing for the past 15 minutes. I stood there. Then fallen onto the floor.

I wept till tiredness brought sleep over me there right next to the window.

When I woke up, a blanket was wrapped around me. I was put to bed.

But he was gone.

"Where are you?"


"I came by and you weren't home."

"I don't want to be home. It's so cold and lonely in there."


"Aren't you going home?"

"Why? You won't be there anyway."

"I don't want you to wander out there at night time. It won't be safe."

"Like you care..."

"D, don't make this difficult. I care about you."

"No, you don't. You don't even touch me anymore."


"Please, go home. I'm worried about you."

"You don't love me."

"I do."

"Then why're you doing this to me? You're treating me as if I were a stranger to you."

"Lots of things are on my mind lately."

"Don't think I'm a fool. You've met someone else."

"I haven't. I'm sorry for being a jerk lately. Go home, please. We'll talk about us tomorrow when I come over. Okay?"

"I don't want to go home. I don't want to be alone."

"I'm tired now. I promised I'll come over first thing in the morning."

"You promised to love me forever. You've already broken that promise."

"Damn it, Drew. I do love you."

"But you have found someone else."

"Told you I haven't."

"Oh, yeah? Who's Fred? Who's this guy keeps calling you? Who keeps sending you little love notes?"


"Don't take me for a fool."


"I'm sorry."

"How long has it been?"

"About half a year."

"Better looking than me?"


"Better body than mine?"


"Better in bed?"

"Not really."

"A total bottom."

"It doesn't matter."



"Why him?"

"I feel comfortable with him."

"Do I make you uncomfortable?"

"It's different with him. I met him and we grew close. I'm serious about him."

"What about me? What about us? I thought we were serious. I thought we were being monogamous."

"We are... different..."

"When do I get to meet him?"

"Drew, no. I'm having a hard time dealing with the two of you. Please don't make it harder on me."

"You think it's easy for me, don't you? I'm willing to share even if it means I don't get to have all of you."

I was pathetic. I loved this man too much. Never would I had thought that I would say the things I just did.

"You won't be happy."

"No, I won't. But I'll still have a little of you."

"I don't think I can go on like this."

"Then pick one. Him or me."

"I can't..."

"The day after tomorrow will be my birthday. Either you pick, or I'll pick."

I hanged up. Somehow, I knew his decision already.

He didn't love me. Not anymore.

I turned 25 in Nick's arms, crying. It wasn't so bad to have an over-protective big brother sometimes.

Nick realized I needed him there with me more than him going off to strangle Jeff.

You can just walk away. But I don't feel the same.
My heart still beats for you, breaths for you, sings for you.
And those feelings will never fade. I can hide my pain.
But I can never hide the way I feel for you.

"D, you look like a wreck."


"What happened?"

"Nothing. I miss him, especially this time of year around my birthday. I hate myself for doing that."

"Tell me something that I don't really know."

"I miss him. Seriously."

"It's been a year already."

"I know..."

"Time to move on."

"I don't want to let go."

"You have to. It's not healthy."

"Have you ever met someone that you believe he's the one destined to be with you the rest of your life? That's what I feel about him."

"I hate to be cruel, but he left you. That stupid jerk doesn't deserve you."

"Still, I'm unable to hate him. I still love him."

"Anyway, happy birthday, Sprout."

"Thanks, Justin. It means a lot to me."

"Nick's coming over soon. We three are going to have a good time tonight."

I hadn't had any good time since leaving Jeff.

Sooner or later you're going to realize.
That this type of love happens once in your life.
So open your eyes, girl, and see what we could be.
Come back to me.

This used to be our song. We wrote it together.

It now becomes my song. A song which carries my pain.

Every word of it now draws crimson from my heart.

From the author:
Yeah, I'm an attention-sucker. Write to me with your comments and ideas!

Copyright © by Jasper Jeff