Blissful Tears

Chapter 14

In the room, Nick moved over to sit with Howie, leaning against his lover for support. Kevin stood close to Chris and held his hand tightly, while AJ sat down on a chair next to Dave the sound technician. Jeff from their management team was there as well. The Littrells walked into the room and looked around. It was obvious to most anyone that there were two couples within the room. Jackie gasped softly in surprise.

Kevin spoke. "Okay, I think everyone is here that should be, with the exception of Harold Jr. but we can't wait. Play the tape Dave."

Everyone immediately recognized Brian's voice as he began to speak softly. "What can I say? I never thought I would be a coward…but I am. I was too weak to stand up to my parents and tell them who I am. I was too afraid of losing their love," he sighed deeply. "But I lost it anyway and so much more. I honestly tried to be the son they wanted. I tried to make them proud."

There was a moment of silence on the tape. It was obvious Brian had been pacing around the studio. "Nick and Howie, I admire and respect you more than you will ever know. You found each other and refused to let anyone stop your happiness." An audible sob on the tape echoed through the silent lounge room. "Nick…Nick I know you're mad at me for this. I'm sorry that…I'm sorry that it won't be Frick and Frack forever. Since we first met, you have been my best friend. None of the crap that we went through, throughout the years, could ever change that, and this won't change it either. I will always be your friend…and I love you…. Howie, man, you have always been the binding force behind us. You kept us all sane when things looked so bleak. I hope you can forgive me for asking you to do it again. I have no doubt that you will love and cherish Nick, and I ask that you help Kev and Alex anyway you can. They will need you." Another pause on the tape, but no one in the lounge moved.

"Cus…I…I don't know what to say to you…. Now that's a first huh?" Brian laughed harshly. "I can only hope that you don't hate me. You have been so much like a brother to me. Anytime I needed advice or was upset, I knew I could talk to you. Please don't blame yourself because I didn't this time. There was just too much pain and I couldn't dump it all on you. I wish you the happiness you deserve. I think that Chris may be the one. I think you have found someone that is worthy of your big heart, loyalty and love." Kevin looked at the man beside him and Chris squeezed his hand in response.

"Harold…I'm sorry bro." Everyone could hear the sound of a chair being moved before Brian's voice continued.

"Mom and Dad. I'm sorry you felt you had to stop loving me. I'm sorry I was such a failure and disappointment in your eyes. I…I thought I could change, and you would be happy…but you wouldn't let me forget about what happened. So I lost my family and more importantly, I lost the one thing that could make me happier than anything else in the world. I know you don't understand that. I'm sorry for that. I gave up the one thing that could complete me, and for what? To be shunned? Verbally abused? I'm going to tell you something that I've said before, but you never heard. I love Alexander James McLean…. And that has never changed, and it will be true for eternity. God, just saying that, I feel freer. I know he's moved on…and God that hurts so much. But I truly hope he finds happiness. He deserves so much more. He deserves someone who will love him, forever. Someone who is strong enough to stand up to those who say love is wrong…" the sound of Brian sobbing quietly echoed through the room. AJ sat silently, staring at the floor. It hurt so much to hear the pain in his love's voice.

"Alex…my wonderful, beautiful Alex, I'm sorry I failed you. I have loved you for so long…but it wasn't enough…. And I know you are blaming yourself for this, so stop. Please?… Despite the pain I felt every time I saw you with someone else, it was my choice to leave, to leave us. I know I hurt you…and I will regret that for eternity and beyond. I hope, someday, you will find it in your wonderful heart to forgive me. I know that is a selfish thing to ask. But I still had to ask. I pray that someday you find the happiness that you so much deserve. You have so much to give and any man would be so incredibly lucky to have you in his life. Don't let my cowardice destroy your spirit, your love of life. Alex…I love you." The tape ended suddenly and the machine clicked off startling everyone in the room.

"Dear God! What have we done?" Jackie whispered as she turned to her husband. They clung to each other as they cried for the pain and agony they had caused their youngest child.

AJ lowered his head to his hands and wept.

Howie held tightly to Nick as his young lover sobbed against his shoulder. He whispered softly into his ear and rubbed Nick's back trying to calm him.

Kevin was too drained to allow more than a few tears to stream down his face. Chris turned to face his boyfriend. "You did good," he said softly as he gently wiped the dampness away. Kevin managed a small smile and leaned forward to softly kiss Chris' lips.

"Thank you, for everything," he whispered. Chris just smiled and held tightly to Kevin's hands.

Harold had walked Jackie to the other end of the room and was sitting talking with her. They talked quietly for a few of minutes before Jackie nodded and stood up. She grasped her husband's hand and they walked back towards the others.

She stopped and looked at the men. "May I say something?" she asked quietly. All eyes turned to her. "Please, let me say what I have to say. I don't understand how one man can love another man, sexually. It goes against everything that I've been taught and believed. But…but that is my problem. It is a problem that I," she looked at her husband. "That we, must reconcile with ourselves and our religion. Kevin, what you said did get through. I speak of Christian values yet the way I have treated my own child is not Christian-like. Despite having the best intentions, I am ashamed of how I have treated Brian, and you too AJ," she added, looking directly at AJ, who had lifted his head when Jackie began to speak. Jackie paused for a moment. "I have a further confession to make. We forced Brian to break up with you AJ. We threatened to expose you to the media if he didn't maintain his relationship with Leighanne. Brian was willing to endure the pain, to protect you and obviously the others too. I know now that if any sin has been committed, I committed it, not you or Brian. Your only sin has been your unconditional love for Brian, something that not even I can claim."

Jackie walked over to stand in front of AJ. "AJ, I know I have caused you and Brian too much pain and sorrow. I hope someday that both of you can forgive me. I know we can't start over, but maybe we can continue in a much better direction from this point forward," Jackie said softly.

Everyone waited for AJ's response. He looked up a Jackie, trying to judge if she was being honest, or if she was saying what everyone wanted to hear. He could see the genuine sorrow and fear in her eyes. AJ stood up and met her gaze. "I'd like to try that Jackie," he said softly and held out his hand. Jackie took his hand. "Now go see your son," AJ said with the hint of a smile.

Jackie smiled back and nodded. "Thank you." She and Harold left the room with Kevin, so he could instruct Jackson to let the Littrells into Brian's room.

After Jackie and Harold were sitting with Brian, Kevin walked down the hall and pulled out his cell phone. He slumped down on a hard plastic chair and hit his speed dial.

He waited for the phone to be picked up on the other end.

"Mom?" he said softly, finally giving into the tears. "Mommy, I need you," he sobbed into the phone. He could here his mother's frantic voice on the other end, but all his composure had fled. He could only grip the phone in his hand as he sobbed.

He jumped a little when the phone was pried from his fingers.

"Mrs. Richardson? My name is Chris, I'm a friend of Kevin's," Chris said quietly. He sat down beside Kevin and gently rubbed his lover's back as he talked to his lover's mother. "No…no, Kevin is okay. It's Brian…. Yes…he tried to take his own life. … Yes, he's alive….we're not sure, he's in a coma. … Okay, call Kevin's number and I'll arrange to have someone pick you up…Okay…You're welcome. Bye."

Chris hung up the phone and turned to look at Kevin. His sobs had subsided and he was simply sitting in the chair trembling. Chris set the phone on the floor and pulled Kevin into his arms.

"Shhh, honey, it's going to be okay," he murmured. "Your Mom is catching the next flight, so she'll be here soon, okay?" Kevin nodded against Chris' chest.

"Thank you," Kevin whispered.

So began the vigil. Almost everyone left the hospital a couple of hours later. Brian's condition had stabilized, but he was in a coma. It had become a matter of waiting, waiting for him to regain consciousness and return to those who love him.

AJ insisted on staying at Brian's side that night. For once Jackie didn't object and try to stop him. Denise arrived at the hospital a short time later and wrapped her arms around her grieving son. She knew there was nothing she could do to help. She remained with AJ and Brian for a few hours, until AJ convinced her to go home. Throughout the night and next day and night, the other band members and some close crew members stopped in every few hours to see how AJ was and if there was any change. During the second day, a nurse stopped by with an envelope that was addressed to AJ. He opened it and read the letter. He smiled slightly to himself and folded the envelope, putting it in his pocket.

During the vigil, AJ and Jackie had time to talk. He wasn't able to completely forgive her yet, but was willing to talk to her, tell her about the son that she never wanted to know. Through tiny steps by both of them, they reached a mutual level of comfort with each other. AJ knew Jackie truly loved Brian, despite how she treated him. Denise helped too by talking to both Jackie and Harold about how she dealt with AJ's sexuality. Ann Richardson joined the conversations also. She had known for a long time that her son liked both men and women, so it wasn't a shock when Kevin introduced Chris as his boyfriend.

By the third day, Howie, Nick and Kevin had to force AJ to take a break. He hadn't been out of the hospital in all that time. Jackie offered to sit with Brian and promised to call if there was even the slightest change. After much convincing, AJ finally agreed. The four men drove to AJ's apartment. Kevin ensured that AJ had some decent food to eat, while Howie and Nick made sure he showered and changed and crashed on the bed for a few hours of sleep.

The scene was repeated two days later. Everyone knew that AJ couldn't keep up the same pace forever. He was only sleeping a couple of hours every night at the hospital and the stress was affecting him.

The second time AJ was forced to go home, he woke up in his bed alone and the pain and fear from the past few days washed over him. He had talked to Brian constantly hoping his voice would bring him out of the coma, but so far, nothing had worked. He tried to think of something else. AJ began to rummage around for some clothes and noticed a CD on the dresser. He grabbed it, put the disc in his player, and fast-forwarded to the song he wanted. The music washed over him as he listened closely to the words. It was perfect. He ran out to the living room and found Kevin and Chris sitting, talking quietly.

"Kev! I have an idea!" he said excitedly.

Both men looked up. "What?" Kevin asked.

"Well, talking hasn't worked, so I'm going to try singing to him. Do you have a number for Kian, Shane and the boys?"

Kevin wasn't sure what AJ was up to, but was happy enough to help after seeing some life return to his friend.

"I think so," Kevin replied as he opened his laptop. Kevin searched his records and found the number. AJ scribbled it down and ran to the phone, to call their friends overseas.

He talked excitedly to someone then yelled to Kevin for an email address. He repeated it for the other person.

"Thank you so much Kian! You have no idea how much this means to me and to Brian. I'll let you know how it goes. So you'll send it in a few hours? Okay. Bye for now." AJ hung up the phone.

Kevin and Chris just stared at AJ waiting for an explanation. He glanced over and noticed. He smiled slightly. "There's a special song I want to sing for Brian. They are going to email the music for me," he explained, then jumped up. "Now, can we get back to the hospital?" he pleaded.

Kevin knew AJ wouldn't relax anymore so the three of them left the apartment. Back at the hospital, AJ immediately checked with Jackie about Brian's condition, but there was no change. He paced around the room for a while, then moved out to the hall. Kevin had promised to check his email every ten minutes and let him know as soon as the music arrived.

About four hours later, Kevin came into the room with a small CD player. He handed AJ a printout and left. AJ read the paper.

AJ,

All of us were horrified when we heard what happened to Brian. The five of you have been such an inspiration to the five of us, as well as good friends. We would gladly do anything to help Brian get well again. A couple of us wondered about the two of you! I guess we were right! We've sent along the music with only background vocals, because we know you know the lyrics. We hope this helps and if there is anything else any of us can do, please give us a call! Good Luck!

All our love,

Kian, Shane, Nicky, Mark, Bryan

"Baby?" AJ whispered softly as he clasped Brian's limp fingers in his hand. "Please wake up. I love you so much. I know I've told you this before, but I'm sorry I hurt you. I know you haven't heard me, but I'll tell you again and again until you do, know that I never touched any of those guys. I was so angry, so hurt by what you did, I wanted to lash out and hurt you back. And I guess I did. Forgive me, please? How could I even think about sleeping with any of those other guys? Only one man holds my heart and you know that's you baby." AJ sighed and sat back, reaching for the small radio on the little table. He pushed the play button and music began to fill the room softly.

"Baby? Kian, Shane and the boys did this for me. I thought maybe some music would make you feel better and I thought this was the right song." AJ waited for a few seconds and began to sing.

I can't sleep, everything I ever knew
Is a lie without you
I can't breathe, when my heart
Is broke in two
There's no beat without you

You're not gone, but you're not here
At least that's the way it seems tonight
If we could try to end these wars
I know that we can make it right
'Cause baby

I don't wanna fight no more
I forgot what we were fighting for
And this loneliness that's in my heart
Won't let me be apart from you

I don't wanna have to try
Boy to live without you in my life
So I'm hoping we can start tonight
'Cause I don't want to fight no more

How can I leave, when everything
That I adore
And everything I'm living for
Boy it's in you

I can't dream, sleepless nights
Have got me bad
The only dream I ever had is
Being with you

I know that we can make it right
It's gonna take a little time
Let's not leave ourselves
With no way out
Let's not cross that line

I don't wanna fight no more
I forgot what we were fighting for
And this loneliness that's in my heart
Won't let me be apart from you

I don't wanna have to try
Boy to live without you in my life
So I'm hoping we can start tonight
'Cause I don't want to fight no more

Remember that I made a vow
That I would never let you go
I meant it then I mean it now
And I want to tell you so

I don't wanna fight no more
I forgot what we were fighting for
And this loneliness that's in my heart
Won't let me be apart from you

I don't wanna have to try
Boy to live without you in my life
So I'm hoping we can start tonight
'Cause I don't want to fight no more

I don't wanna fight no more
I forgot what we were fighting for
And this loneliness that's in my heart
Won't let me be apart from you

I don't wanna have to try
Boy to live without you in my life
So I'm hoping we can start tonight
'Cause I don't want to fight no more

It's all a lie without you, without you         (Westlife)

By the end of the song, tears were rolling down AJ's cheeks and he quickly wiped them away as he opened his eyes and looked at Brian…to be met by a piercing blue gaze. AJ almost fell off the chair as he stood up and grabbed tighter to Brian's hand.