Date: Wed, 5 Jan 2000 22:15:13 EST
From: WriterGray@aol.com
Subject: Brian and his Wil-Part 2 "A Poetic Judgment"

I have tried for a long time to come up with a story lien that makes me
want to write again.. The first one was to be a standalone. But, with
all the responses I got I had to make a second one. I am now planning
the third installment. Over all you should all keep in mind I will try to
write one a month and sometimes I may write more. I am not going to
make promises I can not keep this time. I hope you all like it.. And
for those of you interested my personal site will be up and running buy
the end of January. So, look out for the address here.
Writergray@aol.com

Same disclaimer as before: if you're not old enough. Then you do not
belong here.

"Brian and his Wil"
 A Poetic Judgment
   By Grayson S. Vellar

Intro:

"I Love him!" Kevin shouted into the phone.

"I know you do calm down you hardly know him like this," Missy
responded.

The two had been on the phone for over an hour talking about what Kevin
should do about Howie. Telling his Mother was the actual subject at
hand. How could he tell her? He understood his families' values more
than most, for years he had watched Brian suffer through with Wil.


"I'm not saying you won't be able to tell them. But, what I am saying
is you for one should remember the last time they even thought you were
gay. They shut the idea out and you went ahead and caved in to the
idea. You had told them. They told you it was a phase. Then when the
relationship you were in was over so was their idea of you being gay,"
there was silence on the line. "Kevin I am not saying that you are
wrong for wanting to tell them. I am saying be careful. It could get
you hurt again and that would not be the best thing to have happen,"
Missy finished.

"Missy I have to go now, we're starting rehearsals," Kevin said hanging
up the phone.

Howie was standing near by waiting for his lover. Ever since Christmas
with his family, Kevin had felt out of sorts. They had indeed at one
point in time believed Kevin was gay. But, that was before the
Backstreet Boys. That was with Michael. Howie knew all about it. He
knew of the past relationship that nearly killed him when it was over.
Kevin stood motionless at the phone. Howie continued to keep his
distance over the last few days of Christmas vacation. Kevin had become
quite content on being the homebody and introvert of the group. Usually
as it is rumored, Kevin is the daddy of the group.

"Howie tell the guys I am not feeling well I have to take a walk and
clear my head," Kevin said as he walked away from Howie.

Howie wanted to go with him there was no way however for them to keep
covering up their relationship with management. As he walked back into
the dressing room, the others stared at him. He was suddenly caught off
guard by the emotions and found he was soon sitting on the couch
crying.

"Howie where's Kevin," Brian asked quietly.

Just then, Wil walked in distracting Brian. His eyes averted from Brian
immediately as he noticed Howie. His heart went out to him. Only a week
ago he had felt the same as Howie. Helpless to his own situation, when
everyone else was hopeful. Wil and Brian had not always been on the
best of terms in their relationship but Jackie had changed all of that
for them.

"Howie is this about what we talked about earlier?" Wil asked.

Howie just shook his head yes as everyone else watched. Soon a knocking
came to the door. No one answered it not knowing what they should do
missing Kevin.

"Guy's you need to get out here for rehearsal," Jack Warren shouted
from outside of the door.

Jack was the newest in a long line of onsite managers for the guys. His
job was to confer with Kevin on their daily schedule and take care of
outside business when they were to perform. On most days, he would not
need to come and get the guys to call them to practice. But today was
different with no news of the N'Sync tribulations the label was making
sure everything went as planned. Jack had once worked with N'Sync and
thought very highly of them. But he felt there was nothing good to come
of the current situation. If things continued as they were, he would
have a smaller repartee to deal with in the future.

The guys all had been avoiding the issue in the press. There was
nothing to say about N'Sync as far as they were concerned. Kevin had of
course wanted to say something before all of this got out of hand. He
and AJ had been the closest ones in the group to the other guy's. They
had wished the best of them over all. But, to make any comment in the
public could be construed as a ploy. Whether it be for or against
N'Sync was not the issue at hand it was the reporters that would
construe or misconstrue the facts.

Howie looked at everyone, as he knew they should go out to the stage
for practice. Soon enough there would be others coming in to find them
if they didn't. He couldn't however find his feet to stand. He just
couldn't do it. He had finally gotten what he had dreamed of and Kevin
had gone and walked away. He had talked to Wil about what it meant to
him and it was all going away. His fears were coming true.

					(1)

"Hey Howie you're up early," Wil said welcoming him into the communal
living room everyone shared just hat morning.

"Yeah I have allot on mind," Howie responded while pouring himself some
coffee.

"Anything to do with Kevin," Wil knew very well that it was about
Kevin. He and Brian had talked about what was going on. All Wil truly
felt was like he should be helping. But, he also knew he could not do
so unless they talked to him. Over all he only knew them for a week and
it was going to be difficult to get them to trust him since they didn't
know him.

"Well, you know everything about it just like everyone else," Howie
replied thinking everyone was talking about them behind their backs.

"I suppose you think everyone is talking about you two. But, I can tell
you it is not true. At least they are not talking to me. I know what I
know from observation alone. I also shouldn't have to remind you that I
was in your shoe just last week." Wil said sitting down on the couch
next to the television remote.

"I'm sorry," Howie said sitting across from Wil in a arm chair. "I
guess I am just a little stressed right now. I have finally gotten what
I want and I am never going to have it again after this week. Or at
least that is how I feel. Kevin means so much to me. Here we are right
back at square one every time someone tells him his Mom has called or a
phone call is for him," Howie paused looking out the open sliding glass
door leading onto the balcony.

"You know you guys have always been together. You just have to realize
the limitations had always been there before and now you two being in a
relationship has not changed anything. Kevin is the one in charge of
his personal changes you are in charge of your own," Wil paused
collecting his thought as he stood up and walked to the open door.
"Follow me Howie," He said stepping out onto the balcony. A cold breeze
washed over him as he stepped out into the morning sun. Howie soon
joined him as he leaned over the rail and looked out at the street
below.

"Wil I just don't want to lose him," Howie said.

"I know that. Come over here and let me show you something," Wil said
waving him closer to the edge. "You see all those people down there,"
he said pointing to the traffic down below.

"All those people down there are off to work, or play. Either way they
are living their lives and living them on their own. Most likely half
or even more don't even have relationships with their families outside
of family gatherings. In most American families, people are not that
close. Only big events make it all work and make them accept one
another. It is a known fact that the only reason everyone gets along is
because they bow down to the others expectations. The only other way
for them to get along it to show them that you can stand on your own to
feet and be happy," Wil said looking down now himself.

"So, your saying that Kevin should let her go?" Howie asked.

"No, maybe I didn't make it clear," Wil said standing up straight and
thinking before he began to speak again. "What I was trying to say
before I got ahead of myself is. Kevin is at some point going to
realize he won't be able to make everyone happy. The only one that
matters is him, or even you; if that is where you two are headed." Wil
finished half-questioning himself and Howie at the same time.

"You mean we are the one who have to live our lives. No one else
matters?" Howie asked.

"Well, no one matters unless you make them matter. There will always be
people around you who you will want to make happy other than yourselves
right?" Wil asked.

"Yes, but.." Wil cut off Howie.

"Yes, now all you have to do is figure out if their opinion truly
matters over your whole life. If they have rule over you or if, you do.
Kevin will figure out what to do with his family and you will figure
out if your willing to wait it out. But for now just live your lives
and be happy. There is no one who can truly tell you what to do other
than your own God, God's, Goddess, Higher Power what ever you want to
call it," Wil said stepping towards the door again.

"But Wil for years you let someone get in your way," Howie asked.

"Ah the inevitable question of my own doubts. Yeah Howie I did let
Brian's mom get in our way, but so did Brian and neither of us looked
at it that way. Also, keep in mind our maturity was not ready for a
relationship of this sort. We were kids then, now we're not." Wil
finished off as Brian stumbled half-awake into the room soon followed
by Kevin and everyone else.

						(2)

As they arrived at the stadium Jack Approached them and told them what
their schedule for the day would be. After all it was to be a New Years
Celebration and the Boy's were to be on time. Brian walked along the
outer edge of the crowd with Wil in hand they were as happy as they
could be until Jack saw them up close.

"So Brian I see that this must be the news you wanted to release to the
label" Jack questioned pointing to their intertwined hands.

"No actually originally when I called the meeting and it was put on
hold I had decided to take some time off from the group to get used to
this," Brian said kissing Wil's hand.


"Well. Um... I guess I should get to know this guy then so we can all
work together in the future. One word of advice though. Don't let it
get out, you do know what it will do to your career?" Jack questioned
to which Brian did not respond.

Kevin immediately went to use the phone and make a personal call he had
been trying to make all morning long. Missy was his best friend for
years and she would know what to say. She knew his family and since
Brian refused to get caught up in the mess he had to turn some where.

						(3)

 "Howie we need to get out there. Kevin knows what he is doing we will
just cover his marks right now and we can fill him later of anything
changing. Come on man just pull it together for me okay," Nick said as
they all headed towards the door. Brian turned back around and headed
straight for a confused Wil.

"See you in a little while baby," Brian said before Wil picked up the
envelope Jack had handed him earlier.

The stadium service hallways were far colder than Kevin would have
imagined. He was walking, he didn't know where to but he was walking.
Almost being driven as he went, yet still aimless in his pursuit. As he
happened around the next bend he could not see, the lights were
suddenly out in this section of the hallways. Grappling along the wall
his hand hit something metal and cold. A box was what he felt. Just
like him cold and dense. The switch that stuck out of the box began to
move as Kevin pulled down on it. His curiosity was getting the better
of him as the lights came on at full glare. His eyes took time to
adjust as he was in awe of what he saw printed on the wall.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth, breadth, and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old grieves, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints - I love thee with the breath,
Smiles tears, of all my life! - and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

Elizabeth Browning

The letters rang clear in Kevin's mind. He had wished for those kind of
love all of his life. He made his way further down the hall as he
headed to what seemed to be the right direction. Another poem appeared
on the wall this one in red letter as opposed to the last being in
black.

Love they say is patient,
Love they say is kind,
It sees beyond other's faults,
For love they say is blind.....

Love does not diminish
Or rust and fade with years
But it will gain strength
>From time, laughter, joys and tears.

Love is God's own gift to us
A present from above
He gives us peace, He gives us joy,
But first He gave us Love.

Tears began to fall from Kevin eyes as he continued up and around the
next corner, he could hear his 4 friends singing and practicing. Where
he should be he is not. Where he should remain, he will, in the group,
in the arms of truth and trust.

He swung open the door wide that stood before him. The dust that had
gathered there created a cloud surrounding him. Kevin persevered to
step through. A hand reached out to him as he flailed in the cloud of
Grey. He was being pulled towards the sound. The music pumped around
him, as he heard no words being sung. The hand grasped his tighter as
he struggled scared of the outcome.

Howie's eyes flashed before his as he cleared the cloud and now stood
just off stage staring into the eyes of love.

"Kevin are you alright?" Howie asked wiping away the tears.

"I am now," Kevin replied looking back over his shoulder through the
open hallway. There no longer was a cloud there was no longer any
blackness. He had made it through, he had found his goal. The lights in
the hallway seemed brighter as he began to tell him what had happened.

"I was walking in there trying to clear my head; trying to make it all
make sense. But, all I kept doing was doubting myself and us," Kevin
felt a ping of guilt as Howie took a step backwards. "Howie you know
what my mother means to me and losing her will hurt. But, I have
finally realized that love is more important, my love for you in more
important. As long we have our love then we have what we are most
capable of," Kevin said as Howie took two steps towards him. This was
the first time Kevin had truly said the word Love to him. He felt his
heart pounding as he stepped up to the man before him.

"I love you too Kevin," Howie said leaning in to him.

"Guy's," Brian said clearing his voice. "I think we had better remember
where we are at right now," Brian whispered reminding them that they
were barely out of site from the rest of the stage crew.

"Oh yeah your right. Brian thanks," Howie said with an acidic tone of
voice.

"Brian go grab Wil, I have something I want to show you guys." Kevin
said and Brian turned to walk away only to be stopped by Wil walking
over to them. He was carrying a clipboard and reading its contents as
he approached the group of three.

"Brian I got my contract. It looks okay but, do you know where Kevin is
at I want to...."  He looked up and stopped as Kevin grinned at him.
"Okay now don't I look stupid?" Wil said grinning.

"Cute not stupid," Brian replied.

"Your biased but I can see what you see," AJ said walking up and giving
Wil a knowing glance. This only made Brian start to laugh at him.

"Awe shud up.... I can't take being left out of the loop," Wil said to
Brian smacking him in the arm.

"And I'm supposed to be the blonde one?" Brian asked.

"No that's Nick," Kevin said.

"Nice to have you back with the living Kevin," Wil said.

"I know," Kevin replied. "But, I really wanted to show you and Brian
something down the hall here. If you want to come AJ that is okay with
me," Kevin said seeing his curiosity.

"That's okay Kevin I think I will stay behind with the kid," AJ said
pointing over his shoulder at Nick who was hitting on one of the
dancers.

As they entered the tunnel Brian looked back, thinking it was a bad
idea to let AJ influence Nick. But to bring him along would also be bad
because they were ready to talk finally. Nick was not one who wanted to
talk about the fact yet. He accepted who they all were but ignoring it
seemed to make it not exist at the same time.  As they all rounded the
corner Kevin whistled at the site, the hallway was still moodily
lighted. Dark and dreary but with such words he felt like it was
nothing of the sort.

Love they say is patient,
Love they say is kind,
It sees beyond other's faults,
For love they say is blind.....

Love does not diminish
Or rust and fade with years
But it will gain strength
>From time, laughter, joy and tears.

Love is God's own gift to us
A present from above
He gives us peace, He gives us joy,
But first He gave us Love.

"That's beautiful Kevin," Wil said walking close to the wall to take a
closer look.

"Kevin how did you find this?" Brian asked.

Kevin and Howie were looking at one another though intense eyes. Howie
figured out what had changed. Brian took note of the situation
immediately as he watched them. He knew from reading the poem again
that Kevin finally knew what was important to him.

"These Brian, these," Kevin said walking with Howie's hand in his
towards the next poem.

"Elizabeth Browning," Wil said as they all read again the words of
wisdom.

"So, you went for a walk and found all of this and now you have figured
everything out?" Wil asked Kevin not looking at him.

"I wont say everything, but I will say I know what is important to me,"
Kevin replied as he kissed Howie.

" Love is laughter. Love is tears. Love is heartache, Love is fears.
But when you stand together you will stand Tall and True. Love is love
and it will help you make it through," Wil started.

"Through times of trouble it will never let you down. Through time of
triumph, it will never let you go and never make a sound. You feel it
in your heart. You feel it in your soul," Brian continued as Wil joined
him on the last verse.

"If we stand together then no one can make us let go," they finished
together. Kevin and Howie were confused.

"High School," Brian said seeing their confusion.

"That brings a question to mind, Brian," Howie said while he held Kevin
hand.

"Sure go ahead Howie," Brian replied as he wrapped his hand around
Wil's.

"I guess I should ask both of you this really...." Howie took a deep
breath. "How did you two manage to hold on for so long to one another.
I mean how did you know Christmas Eve. It was only a week ago and you
two act like you have never been apart." Howie asked looking at them
the whole time. Kevin squeezed his hand knowing what he was trying to
do. He did no feel bad that he questioned his love for him at all. He
felt bad that he was so confused yet a the same time confidant enough
to deal with Kevin's problems.

"True love will never leave your heart Howie," Brian said taking a
breath. "That night was the best present my mother could have ever
given me," Brian said thinking back as he remembers what happened the
following morning.

						(4)
"Morning Brian," Jackie said as she sat at the dinning room table
enjoying her quiet morning coffee. " I figured you would be sleeping in
today. Would like some coffee?" Jackie asked as she started to get up.

"No I just never really went to sleep. I have a lot of catching up to
do. Of course Wil fell asleep hours ago," Brian said sitting down
across from her. Jackie started to get up but he stopped her.

"Mom you go ahead and rest I will get it. I just wanted to talk to you
before the guys got up," Brian said heading towards the coffeepot.

"Don't be silly Brian it is not that often that I get to wait on you
anymore. Now let me have my way. Besides I was kind of hoping you would
come down this morning," Jackie said grinning. Just then, the old
Grandfather clock in the main entrance to the house chimed in 6 times.

It was an early start for Brian, but not as early as some of the starts
he had gotten being on tour. He sat down in his father's chair at the
head of the table. He remembered sitting at this table through allot of
occasions; Birthdays, Holidays, Wedding parties. It had happened her in
this house. It had happened here in their hearts.

"Mom, may I ask you what changed your mind?" Brian asked knowing now
that everyone was away from them he could ask her frankly why she had
decided to change her mind and accept his happiness.

"I remember the last time you were here. I remember what you looked
like alone when your Brother had been dating that Girl... What was her
name?" Jackie asked.

"Brenda..." Brian said waiting for her to continue.

"After you left here you really didn't seem to happy and that made me
so sad Brian. I blamed the band I blamed Kevin I blamed you.. I never
blamed me.... Then one day it hit me thinking, that it was my fault
because I had taken away the one thing that made you happy. It was not
God but me.... " Jackie paused looking out the picture window to the
front lawn area. "God is love.... I took it away from you. A mother is
never supposed to take the love from her children. I had always thought
I had taught you right. And there I found myself not letting you have
the love you deserved returned to you," Jackie said not looking at
Brian.

"You did what you thought was right Momma. I knew you were trying to
teach me right. I knew what God said was wrong. But, I loved Wil and he
loves me still. I am so lucky to have a second chance. If God did not
want this to be don't you think he would have stopped it by now," Brian
asked.

"I read once that God was Cruel and I can honestly tell you that it is
true. He punishes us to make us stronger. He tests out our will and our
limits. The trick Brian is to live, care, and love, nothing more. I
believe that's the key to this life. I may not have always felt that
way but I certainly do now," Jackie said turning to look him straight
in the eyes. They at that point finally made a connection after all
these years they had found common ground again.

"So when do you think everyone will be up, it is Christmas morning?"
Jackie asked smiling.

"Nick will be first, Kevin will be last," Brian started to say.

"Then that means Howie will be up late too," Jackie laughed out seeing
the shock on Brian's face. "What
Brian I am not blind. I can see it in their eyes just like I always saw
it between you and Wil," Jackie said and stopped from going any further
as Kevin emerged from the stairs just off the kitchen.

"At least Kevin has good taste," Brian laughed back at her until he
felt a hand on his shoulder.

Brian was laughing so hard that when the hand landed there he choked
trying to stop himself. He was in shock and did not look back over his
shoulder Jackie was laughing now. Brian was turning bright red as he
next heard Wil and Howie talking coming down the stairs.

"No I just thought it was romantic that's all," Howie said.

"I know it was and I have to thank Jackie for it today. You know she
set all of this up. I was ready to give up on life there for a while
and when she called me," Wil suddenly stopped as they reached the
bottom of the stairs. He saw Brian sitting with his head down and Kevin
with his hand on his shoulder. He figured
Brian had taken what he said wrong.

"Brian I didn't mean it that way I really didn't...." He rushed over to
Brian's side kneeling down next to him. "Brian please don't be mad at
me. We have been apart for so long, please don't make too much out of
this. Your mother planned all of us meeting you already knew that," as
soon as he said it he felt enraged.

"Brian Thomas Litrell you already knew that. I told you last night,"
Wil said standing up realizing he had nothing to worry about.

"Yeah well, he thinks Howie taste good," Kevin said blushing as the
words came out of his mouth but he had to get Brian back for earlier.
Suddenly the room fell silent as Wil stood quiet in shock he had no
idea it was a joke.

"No, Wil it was a joke," Kevin shouted as he saw Will turning away with
fear creeping over his face. "I better get out of here before I really
screw this up," Kevin said walking into the living room and stopping
dead in his tracks as he was face to face with the Christmas tree and
decorations. He remembered these family times. He knew he would miss
them when everyone came down on him for being happy. His sadness
suddenly rose and would only climb higher after the day was over. He
would have to figure it out on his own.

Brian stood up and held Wil in his arms, as he was whispering to him no
one else said a word.

"It's all right I am not going anywhere. We will not be apart again. We
both know what we have gone through. It won't happen again," Brian
reassured him.

Jackie felt bad for her actions again as the two huddled together in
front of her. Soon enough, Nick came barreling down the stairs with AJ
shortly to follow as he reached the bottom step he saw them.
Immediately Nick turned and ran back up the steps: running right into
AJ and slamming him against the wall.

"What the?" AJ started to yell as he was pushed.

"Just leave me alone. Tell everyone I will be down in a little while. I
have decided to sleep a little more. I have allot on my mind," Nick
said rushing off to the room he and AJ had shared.

"What was that all about," Jackie asked AJ as he came into view.

"I couldn't tell you one minute he is fine. Then when he ran down here
he turned and ran back up," AJ said shaking his head and hearing Kevin
talking to Howie in the next room.

"Howie it's not like that, you know that." Kevin pleaded with Howie who
would not speak to him.

"Please tell me what to do here," Kevin pleaded.

"Okay Kevin after today we will decide what we are. Right now you go
ahead and break up with me for your family. Go right ahead. Last night
meant nothing. I mean nothing that's fine with me. Right now, I am just
going to go upstairs and call for a flight out of here I think leaving
for home would be a better idea for me than staying where I am not
wanted." Howie said stressing the not wanted part. As he started to
walk out of the room Jackie cut him off.

"Oh no you don't. You may not be family but if I have too I will send
Kevin home packing first. You are welcome to be here, I invited all of
you. If Kevin can't see what love means then to hell with him. I want a
happy Christmas day here. And you make me happy being here Howard,"
Jackie said standing in front of him. Howie could not argue the point
he wanted to but why would he want to make a scene when he was already
hurting. Why fight what he knew he should not.

"I will stay, Kevin should because he is family. Don't worry Kevin I
will move to another room so you won't have to look at me. I will keep
my distance," Howie said walking past Jackie and up the stairs. Jackie
reached out to him but he kept walking the last thing he wanted to do
was have anyone see his heart breaking. He had fallen in love with
someone he thought he knew so well. Someone he admired for years from
afar. Now when they had their time and their moment he had to walk away
to save the hurt that would fall between the two.

"Kevin right now all I have to say to you is...." There was a knock at
the door as Kevin's mother had finally showed up. To Jackie's dismay
Howie family stood just behind her. Kevin was at a loss as Howie's mom
Paula hugged him and wished him a Merry Christmas. He felt bad almost
worse, that if they had of just kicked him when walking in that
morning.

"So how has everything been going," Ann asked Jackie as they stood face
to face.

"Good so far not much for me to talk about. I suppose you should see
your son this morning. From what I understand he is upstairs getting
ready to come down. Kevin could you go up and let Howie know his mom is
here," Jackie asked walking back towards the kitchen.

"Sure thing," Kevin said and stopped as Paula shook her head no at him.

"Kevin actually I need to talk to you outside for a minute if that's
okay," Paula said.

"Okay," Kevin answered hesitantly.

As the two walked out onto the front porch, Harold Senior was walking
up from the Garage with Firewood in his arms. It was cold out here but
Kevin imagined not as cold as it was in his heart; the heart that Howie
could see anyway. The two set down on the old front swing on the main
part of the porch.

"Kevin I need to ask you something about my son," Paula said pausing.
"Look I know you have been father and friend to him for a long time
now. But, I have to ask you this one question and I am not sure how to
go about it. What I ask you has to stay between us now and forever
unless you are okay with the question,"
Paula said knowing this did not sound like herself at all. She was
normally straight forwards and a loving mother. But, what she had to
say was not the most comfortable conversation piece.

"Howie write me all the time and we talk allot on the phone. I know
that you know about that. But, lately he has been telling me he has
finally figured out what he is looking for. He also keeps hinting that
you may hate him after he finds what he is looking for. Do you know
what that may be?" Paula asked concerned for her son.

"His hearts desires," Kevin answered her without looking at her. He
knew if he did, he would break down.

Paula took her hand and patted him on the leg as he continued to look
away. "I would never hate Howie I just couldn't," Kevin said as he
looked over to Paula and her earnest eyes.

"I know that I have known that all along," Paula said hugging him.
"But, what I don't understand is why you have never told him that."
Paula asked and stood up as she saw Howie walk out on to the porch
followed by Jackie.

They hugged briefly as Jackie motioned Paula to follow her. "I think
they need to settle this once and for all and I think maybe we should
lock them outside to do it," Howie quickly looked around at all the
snow.

"Mom it's 30 below out here, we can talk about this upstairs can't we,"
Howie asked as she closed the door and locked it.

"Great now my mother leaves me too," Howie shouted at the sky.

"No one is leaving you," Kevin said.

"You already did. and it hurts," Howie said looking at the closed door.

"I have found in myself a love I do not understand. I have to make a
decision to turn my back on all I know. Or I can lie for the rest of my
life to those people. Howie I am going to loss my family. I love you
and you know that. But what do I do?" Kevin said still sitting on the
porch swing.

Just in side Wil watched as Howie took a seat next to Kevin and pulled
him close to hug him. There was no time however as Kevin's Mother Ann
pulled into the driveway just across the road. Suddenly Howie stood up
knowing the inevitable was on it's way towards them. Wil could see
Howie panicking and felt sorry for him> It seemed just as they were to
set the record straight the record got lost again. There was a sudden
pounding on the door as Jackie rushed to answer it.

"Someone is coming up the driveway," Wil told her as she reached the
door. Jackie looked disappointed as she opened the door and Howie
rushed in and took a seat next to AJ at the fireplace.

"Someone seems cold," AJ commented only to have Howie give him a dirty
look.

"Someone has a right to be cold," Brian said as he walked over to Wil's
side at the window.

"Someone appreciates the commentary guys but knock it off. I can handle
it, it's only for a few days," Howie said as Paula placed a loving hand
on his shoulder and stood by him.

"So when is your family going to get here AJ," Paula asked.

"Their not I sent them to Hawaii for Christmas," AJ replied as he
stared at the fire.

"Nice gift maybe you could get my son to do that for me around Mother's
day," Paula jokingly said.

"I would but Dad doesn't think it is a good idea with his asthma,"
Howie responded.

"Well, then just send me I need a vacation anyhow," Paula laughed.
"Angela could go with me," Paula threw in speaking of his sister.

"Speaking of Holk where is he at?" Brian asked knowing Howie wanted to
get away form sibling discussions.

"Well, he has gone home to see Howie's grandmother. She gets so lonely
at this time of year so we thought it would be best if he went there."
Paula answered turning to Jackie. "Do you have anymore of that coffee
Jackie?" As she walked away from Howie, he felt there was something she
was hiding. Her distance pulled at his every will to remain hostile to
Kevin as he and his mother walked in the front door.

"Are you sure you're alright Kevin. I know when something is bothering
you and I can see it all over your face," Ann asked as he took her
coat.

"Mom I will be okay you know how I get around the Holiday's," Kevin
replied hoping she would let it drop.

"Wait Kevin before you put my coat away I have something for you in the
left pocket," Ann said as he went to hang it up.

"Should I just reach in and pull it out or should I hand you the coat,"
Kevin asked looking at her with a surprised look on his face. Over the
last few years, he had gotten used to the idea that he gave her
presents and her giving him was the farthest thing from his mind.

"Just reach on is Boo, I want you to have what's in there." Ann
replied.

This of course got everyone attention as Harold walked into the room
from the Den everyone was surprised as Kevin hesitated. He looked over
at Howie and watched as he gave him a look of pure contentment. Paula
saw it as she walked over behind Kevin and rubbed his shoulder quickly
while passing him on to go sit down. Kevin held Howie's eyes in his own
for a moment before reaching in. As his hand struck the small box, he
knew what it was immediately. It was time to face what he had always
wondered about. What had happen to the object just at his fingertips.

"Go on Kevin," Jackie said knowing it was killing her more than him to
see what the big deal was.

As Kevin broke silence, everyone was in awe. Kevin had tears streaming
down his face. He had not produced the box yet but he knew in his heart
what it was. It was the one thing left of the legacy that drove him
everyday. It was the one thing he felt closer to in this life than
anything he could have ever asked for. The ring box slipped easily out
of the jacket pocket and Kevin hung it up. Everyone watched as he
walked over and took a seat in between the guys who had all taken up
residence in front of the fireplace.

"Are you going to open it," AJ asked.

"I don't need to I know what it is," Kevin replied.

"Open it," Jackie said and grinned.

Kevin gave in and opened the box towards himself so only he and Howie
could see. He was leaning on the chair arm and half grinning to himself
in amazement. Howie pretended to not be too interested as he looked at
Kevin's father's wedding band. It had been left in his mother's care
for so long and it was the one remaining thing of his father's. Kevin
suddenly began to sib as he handed the ring to Brian. Howie hugged him
from the side trying to make it look like he was his brother and not
his lover. Ann jumped up from where she sat and headed over to him.

"Kevin your father would be so proud of you and he would want you to
have this. It is yours. I know what he meant to you." Anne said.

"Thank you," Kevin said reaching out and standing hugging his mother.
Jackie was crying as Harold reached over and took her hand in his.

"Jackie we should get out the rest of the presents," Harold said
signaling the moving forwards from the moment.

After all the presents were opened and the table was set, they ate
their hearts out. Jackie had made yet again another phenomenal meal for
them to eat. Most of the guys had not been to the house for this kind
of food. They had all visited and were very familiar with the family.
Harold Jr. showed up and was welcomed in later in the afternoon when he
tackled Brian and pinned him to the floor in fun. Not exactly Norman
Rockwell but still a loving family. Loving all except Kevin and Howie.

Later that night Kevin tried to break through Howie's shell by showing
him the ring again. Howie smiled lovingly at him as they began to lean
in Anne walked out onto the porch where they stood.

"Kevin can I talk to you alone for a minute," Anne asked and Kevin felt
the time had come.

Howie walked back into the house and stood just on the other side of
the door. Jackie and Paula noticed this and immediately came to his
aid. They knew what was about to happen. Paula had heard from Jackie on
a regular basis and it had been discussed before the attitude of gay
children's parents. In truth, she was the reason Jackie had changed her
mind to begin with. Jackie had called her after the guys had made it
big bigger than anyone had expected. They were still on tour in Europe
at the time, they were talking about Howie, Paula believed he was a
kind and gentle son. After talking of his nature Paula revealed what
she thought this meant. Jackie already knew about Brian and talked
freely with her about it for hours until she had concluded all of what
today had added up too: Happiness for her son and happiness for all in
her house. She was not going to let Anne put a stop to that. As she
opened the door, she was shocked to Kevin telling her he was gay.

"Mom I love him so much and I know you won't agree with it," Kevin said
regretfully.

"Your right I don't agree with it," Anne paused for a moment until
Jackie stepped out and made her presence know. "You knew about this
didn't you!" Anne shouted at Jackie. Kevin started to stand up but
Jackie just motioned him to sit down.

"I had my suspicions," Jackie told her.

"Your suspicions should have been made known to me," Anne said.

"My suspicions about my nephew are my own. They are not open for public
display. As you know I condemn no one," Jackie told her.

"Yes, I noticed your son and that freak," Anne hotly answered her.

"That freak happens to have been a family friend for years. You have no
right to talk about any of them that way. Kevin even if your own mother
never cares for you again, I will always be here. You can consider
yourself part of the family either way," Jackie said and turned to walk
away. Paula was hot on her way out the door with Howie trying to pull
her back inside.

"Kevin I am your mother it is me or them," Anne said rubbing his arm as
he started to get angry.

"How dare you!" Paula shouted as she stepped out onto the porch. Kevin
looked up at her with swollen eyes and she knew she had to help him.
However Howie reached out the door and pulled her back in fighting her
every move to break free. Kevin knew he was loved by them and
especially by Howie.

"Mom you have to let them be, it is not our business," Howie said
shocking her and everyone else. "He made his choice this afternoon. If
he says he loves me then he will make it, with or without his mother's
consent. But, he has to make that choice on his own. He has always been
able to make choices this is no different," Howie said walking up the
stairs leaving her and everyone else to fend for them selves. He could
not sit around and wait for the axe to fall he could not take it. It
was his dreams that were on the line not anyone else's.

						(5)

"Awe how cute!" AJ squealed as he saw Howie and Kevin kissing as he
came around the corner.

"AJ you sound like a thirteen year old girl when you do that," Wil
said.

"Oh your gonna make it with us after all," Nick said as he joined them.
Kevin, Howie, Brian, and Wil all took steps away from each other to
protect their friendship.

"Okay guys knock it off. I know that you're together already and I
think I can handle it. If you keep hiding it I will never get used to
it," Nick said walking over to all of them and pulling them all into a
hug. AJ couldn't resist as he yelled.

"Orgy in the hallway!" He jumped on all of them as he flung his arms
around them. But the poem caught his eye and he stopped dead as he read
it.

"My God I never have read that before," AJ said.

"That's because you have never been here before," Wil said frankly
staring at the poem again. "But, it is a classic."

"We have to get back out there guys," Nick said referring back to
rehearsals.

"Um before we go I have something I have to do. Well, two things
actually," Kevin said now facing Howie.

"Howie I know we can make it together we have not had that great of a
start will you forgive me. Will you promise to be mine here in front of
our family and friends? If you'll have me I will be the happiest man
you have ever seen on that stage tonight." Kevin said as he was now on
one knee in front of him.

"Kevin are you proposing," Howie asked letting a tear stream down his
face.

"Well, I am. But until we get used to everything this will have to do
for a engagement ring," Kevin reached over with his hand and slipped
his fathers wedding band onto Howie's ring finger.

Brian smiled wide as he knew that he meant it. That ring was all Kevin
had left of his father. Howie pulled Kevin up into his arms and kissed
him for what seemed like forever to Nick. He missed his girlfriend
Mandy so much at times like these it hurt more than anyone could ever
know.

"Ok guys where are you? You should not be down here this is a service
hallway. You have to get ready for the big bash. It is not everyday
that the Backstreet Boys get to perform in a New Years production. To
bad, you all opted to perform early in the evening. Millenium for the
millenium guys come on what do you say?" Jack asked knowing they would
not do anything for him past 10:00 tonight.

"No," they all said in unison as they walked back towards the man that
had tried to find them.

"I have one more thing to do before we get ready and I need all of you
to help me with this," Kevin said walking across the stage towards
their dressing room.

"What's that Kevin?" Wil asked.

"Kevin I know we have never talked about what happened on the porch
that night with your mom. Neither one of you would talk about it after
that night?" Brian said as they all took seats around the room. Jack
never made it inside as they closed the door in his face as he arrived.
This was a sign he should leave them alone to deal with themselves.
Privacy was a thing the Boys very rarely demanded but when they needed
it, they made it known.

"Well, that is kind of what I need to do now. You remember that night
when Howie came back into the house right.." Kevin said as he recounted
the events.


"Kevin I am your mother it is me or them," Anne said rubbing his arm as
he started to get angry.

"How dare you!" Paula shouted as she stepped out onto the porch. Kevin
looked up at her with swollen eyes and she knew she had to help him.
However Howie reached out the door and pulled her back in fighting her
every move to break free. Kevin knew he was loved by them and
especially by Howie.

"You know what Mom this really means a lot to me, he means a lot to me.
The last few years have meant a lot to me. I won't give that up," Kevin
said flatly hoping this would be enough. He soon knew it would not be.

"Kevin I am not asking you to leave the group and you know that," Anne
said.

"No the money is too good," Kevin said as she reached out and slapped
him. He was surprised as she struck him she had not ever done this
before. He regretted saying it, he felt the insult went to far.

"I'm sorry mom I never meant too.."

"Yes you did. Just like you being with him here and now," Your trying
to slap me in the face.

"Mom you can not keep referring to him as just that him," Kevin
replied.

"Ok you can just make your decision on family or friends?" Anne said
and then added. "As a matter of fact I will make a deal with you, you
have until January 1st to make your decision. The Millenium, if you call
me and before then you are still part of the family if not then you can
have your little dream," Anne said walking back into the house and
slamming the front door. Kevin was staring off at the guys as they
listened to him finish up recounting the ending of Christmas day.

"So, that's what happened. Neither of you said a word to any of us
about what was going on. Jackie wanted to kill her and Harold had to
hold her back. When she left it was a breath of fresh air that night.
Of course, you not coming in for an hour got us all worried," Nick said
as he sat between Wil and AJ on the couch.

"Yeah I had a lot on my mind. I have had a lot on my mind since then,"
Kevin said.

"So, you're going to call her?" Howie asked half-angered and half-hurt.

"Yes, she is my mother," Kevin said picking up the phone. As he dialed
and was connected Howie stood up and started to walk out only to have
Kevin grab him by the waist and hold him down in his lap as Anne
answered the phone.

"Hello," Anne answered.

"Mom is that you," Kevin asked knowing it was the whole time.

"Yes, it's me Kevin so you have made you decision I see. Or rather hear
since Howie is crying like a spoiled child," Anne said.

"Actually mom I have made my decision and I must say Howie never asked
me to choose," Kevin paused to see Howie look up at him at the mention
of his name. "I choose Howie. I choose Brian and Aunt Jackie. I choose
the family I have made for myself," Kevin heard a gasp on the other end
of the phone as it went dead.

The end..

Ok there it is. You asked for it you got it.. Write me let me know what
you think and want to see happen here.
Writergray@aol.com