Date: Wed, 08 Sep 1999 14:36:18 EDT From: D LS Subject: Brian & Me Parts 47-49 Okay, first things first. This story is a complete work of fiction, and is not meant to imply anything about anyone. While some of the characters maybe loosely based on real people that I know, none are meant to actually represent anyone, particularly any of the members of the Backstreet Boys.We may wish that they were gay, and maybe some of them even are, but I'm certainly not about to say that they are. :) As usual, if you are offended or made uncomfortable by material concerning sexual relations between consenting adult men, lighten up or go somewhere else. Also, if it is in any way illegal for you to be reading this type of thing, please don't. Or do, just don't get caught and feel *very* guilty.;) If any of the BSB happen to be reading this (hey, we can dream can't we?), feel free to drop me a line and let me know what you think. ***Thanks to Tyler, Jeff, Lauren (author of Lucky Me), Lukas, Matty, Brian, Yuli, Jake, Matt(author of Search & Rescue), Jeremy, Jared, Johnathan, and everyone else who has taken the time to write, for their extra-nice comments. It makes it much easier to sit down and write with people like you to encourage me. The list could go on and on, but I know that's not what you people want to read, so I digress... ***Special thanks also to JB, who read over what you are about to read and offered his opinions. There is no doubt that the story is better than it would have been without him. He's become a wonderful new friend. :) Drop me a line at DLS_stories@hotmail.com and let me know what you think Enjoy! PART 47 I was stunned by the question. Did Nick mean how did *I* know that I was gay, or how would *he* know if he was gay? From the way he was acting, it was more than just an innocent question. He looked to be about two steps away from a total breakdown. I tried to clear all the thoughts from my head as I struggled to keep my face from showing my shock. "Nick," I started. "I'm not sure what you're asking." "Neither am I," he wailed, the tears starting again. "I'm so damn confused about everything." "It's okay, Nick," I soothed him, rubbing my hand up and down his back. "We'll talk this through." Nick nodded and let out his breath in a shudder. "Please help me Nate. I'm so tired of thinking about this." "I'll try Nick, I promise," I said. "But I need to know something first. Are you trying to tell me that you think you might be gay?" "Yes... no... I don't know," he said, trying to pick up his tea again and spilling more of it. I picked up the cup and placed it in both of his hands, letting him drink from it without it shaking too much. I could feel the tremours in his hands as they brushed against my own. "Okay," I said. "But this is more than just idle curiosity?" Nick nodded again. "Well then, let's talk about it. How long have you been thinking about this?" "A few years," he whispered, sipping some more tea. "Years? Why haven't you told anyone?" "What was I going to tell them?" he asked, looking over at me. "I don't even know what to tell myself. I've got all of these questions and no one to help me find the answers." "Well, I'll help you if I can," I said, earning a thankful smile from Nick. "When did you really begin to wonder about it?" "After we started to become popular. People started to question which way our doors swung almost immediately. All the other guys just laughed it off, even Brian," he said. "I just tried to do what they did, and eventually it started being natural to just evade or deny stuff like that." "I can understand how that would happen," I said. "How old were you when you joined the Backstreet Boys?" "Thirteen. Why?" "Well, thirteen is a pretty big age for stuff like this," I said. "It's when people really start to come into their sexuality, whatever that may be. I'm assuming that, if you were in the group, you didn't go to high school?" "No," he said. "I had a tutor." I nodded. "And if you didn't go to high school, you probably didn't have a whole lot of close friends your age, right?" "No," he said again. "I spent most of my time with the guys. Between rehearsals and shows and my schoolwork, there wasn't much free time." "And Brian was already dealing with being gay, so he wouldn't have been as attentive to your situation as he could have been. Kevin and Howie are quite a bit older than you, so they wouldn't probably even have been thinking about what you were missing." "What was I missing?" Nick asked. He had calmed down considerably, though he was still sitting in a defensive posture. "Well, a lot of people figure out a lot about themselves in high school. They interact with their friends and the other people their age all day every day, and can decide what they do and don't like about what they see," I explained. "If you didn't have that, you missed the opportunity to see what others your age were doing." Nick nodded. "But the guys were great friends," he said. "I'm sure they were, but none of them were thirteen," I argued. "And they were caught up in their own things. So far as I know, Brian was the only one who had cause to doubt his sexuality, and he was dealing with that at the time, not you. "And since you missed interacting with people your own age, you missed the chance to explore your sexuality. There were no cute girls to catch your eye, no attractive young teachers for you to have a crush on. You didn't really have much of a sexual outlet, did you?" "No," he shook his head. "Unless you count the guys," he smiled. It was nice to see Nick coming around. He had stopped trembling now, and was sitting back in his seat with his hands cupped around his tea cup. I grinned back at him. "We'll get to that," I laughed. "So you're saying that it's normal for people to wonder about this kind of thing at that age?" "Completely normal," I agreed. "You just didn't have the chance to really settle the matter before your popularity exploded. Hell, lots of people don't ever settle stuff like this, but at least experiences like high school and college give them the chance to figure out how to deal with it." "But shouldn't I have it settled by now? Why am I still so confused?" "Nick, you're dealing with it. There's no schedule for it. Having half the civilised world wondering if you're gay doesn't exactly help." "You got that right," he smiled. "Why does it matter to them?" "I'm not altogether sure," I said with a sigh. "But it does, and it's no good wishing that it didn't." "I guess so," he said. "I just wish people would mind their own business sometimes. I realise that losing some of our privacy is the price you have to pay for popularity, but *some* things should be off-limits." "You'll get no argument from me," I sighed. "After all, if it hadn't been for an over-zealous reporter, I wouldn't have lost my time with Robbie." Nick nodded sadly. "And that was just one reporter for a local newspaper," Nick said. "Now we've both got to deal with the tabloids and major media around the world." I sighed again. "But like I said, dwelling on it doesn't do anything to answer your questions. Would it help if I told you about how I came to deal with being gay?" "You'd do that?" he asked, looking up at me. During our discussion, he had moved to a crouching position on the couch. He was leaning against the arm, facing me and I was leaning against the other arm. "Of course," I said. "If you think it will help." "It's just that I know you haven't really talked about it with Brian. He said it has something to do with your parents, and you never really talk about them." "Yeah, it's a bit of a touchy subject," I conceded. "But why did I go through it, if not to help someone else manage it better?" "You don't have to Nate," Nick said. "Don't you think Brian should be the one to hear this?" "He'll hear it," I continued. "When the time is right, he'll hear it. Right now, I think he'd want me to help you if I can." Nick nodded so I would know he understood, and I started to speak. "First of all," I said. "I have to preface this by telling you that I know that what I went through isn't as bad as it could have been. I know that a lot of other people have it worse than I did, and I don't want to seem like I'm bitching and moaning about it. Okay?" "Nate," Nick said, setting down his tea cup again. "Don't worry about any of that. Just tell me what it was like for you, from your perspective. That's the only one that matters." I nodded and gave Nick a smile. "So when did you decide you were gay?" Nick asked, getting back to the matter at hand. "I'm not entirely sure," I said. "I think I'm one of the lucky ones. I pretty much always knew. I used to think dirty thoughts about my best friend in first grade." "First grade!" Nick exclaimed, sitting up. I laughed. "Yeah. We used to play doctor," I added with a sly smile. "Is he...?" "No," I said, thinking about him for the first time in years. "He married right out of high school. He's got a couple of kids now, actually. I just always knew that there was something different about me. While all of my other friends were starting to come around to girls, I just didn't see it. Most of my really close friends were girls, but I didn't think of them as anything more than that." "So you just always knew that you were gay?" "Well, I always knew that I was different from the rest of my male friends. It took me a long time to get to the point where I understood what that difference was, and even longer before I was comfortable thinking of myself as being gay." "But there was never any doubt that you liked boys better than girls," Nick said. "None," I agreed. "I couldn't even bring myself to ask a girl to be my fourth-grade girlfriend. You know, where you get a kiss and think you're going to get married?" Nick laughed. "I remember." "There was just no appeal for me in that," I said. "I didn't date until my second year of high school." "Boy or girl?" Nick asked with a smirk. "What?" "In high school. Did you date a boy or a girl?" "Always a girl," I said with a laugh. "But that's jumping ahead a little bit. If I'm going to tell this, I'm going to have to start at the beginning..." Nick and I sat there for more than an hour while I told him about my life. I did most of the talking, with Nick periodically asking questions to clear up something he didn't understand. It was a rather lengthy story, and I hadn't told any of it since my third year at university, when I had confided in Andrea. It felt strange to be discussing it again, and quite unsettling. I had thought that I would be telling it to Brian, but if I could help Nick, I was determined to do so. I only broke down once during my story, at a particularly difficult part, which was better than I would have expected. When I had told Andrea, it had taken several hours, lots of tears, half a bottle of tequila and an entire package of cigarettes to get it out. Nick waited quietly and held me until I was done crying and could continue. He asked if I wanted to stop, but by that point, I had to finish as much for myself as to help Nick. "And the rest, as they say, is history," I concluded with a sigh. It felt like I had been talking for hours, and I poured myself a luke-warm coffee to wet my parched throat. "Unless I miss my guess, you went out and got a copy of my essay," I said. Taking the crooked smile on Nick's face as an affirmative, I added "So you know pretty much what happened after that." "Jesus Nate," Nick said. "No wonder you reacted the way you did when you thought Brian rejected you because you were gay, and again when Robbie's mom cut off his contact with you." I nodded. "And that's why Andrea was so protective of you." I nodded again in answer. "I can't believe you went through all of that. You seem so normal." "Thanks a lot," I smiled, slapping his knee. "You know what I mean," he said with a grin. "You just seem to have it all together, you know? Like you don't have a care in the world." "Well, compared to before, I don't," I said. "Remember the expression 'whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger'? I'm living proof." "I guess," Nick said. "Do you see why I told you all of this?" I asked, trying to get his mind away from the more depressing parts of the story. "Frankly, no," he admitted. "I don't see how it relates to where I am right now." "My high school and university years may not have been the most ideal ones you could hope for," I said. "But one thing that they did for me was teach me to deal with my feelings. I had to find out who I was, if only so I could understand what was going on. I came out of that with a very solid vision of myself, and I've been able to rely on that when I need to. I know who I am. That's what I chose to take away from my experiences. I may have also brought some additional baggage, but it's worth it to me." "And I didn't have any of those experiences. That's what you're getting at, right?" Nick finished for me. "That's it exactly," I said with a smile. "I wouldn't wish what I've been through on anyone, but you missed a lot of chances to get to know yourself, and constantly trying to show a good side to the cameras isn't helping you figure it out." "So what you're saying is that you don't know how to answer my question." "Which one?" I asked. "How do you know if you're gay? If you've always known, you can't answer that." "Nick, I don't think that anyone can answer it, regardless of how they came to realise that they were gay," I said. "It's the kind of thing that you need to figure out for yourself." "That's a lot of help," he grumbled. "Look, all I can do is tell you what it was like for me. Of course it's not going to apply to you. We're totally different people with totally different lives." Nick nodded and sighed. "Thank god," he said, then apologised. "No need to be sorry," I said, trying to smile for him. "I got through it, regardless of how close it was. You don't need something like that to answer your questions." "But I've been thinking about it for three years now, and I don't think I'm any closer to an answer." "Have you been thinking about it?" I asked, grabbing his attention. "What?" "Have you been really thinking about it, or have you been avoiding it? When you think about whether or not you're gay, do you actually sit and try to puzzle it out, or do you get so worked up about it that you can't see anything but the panic and paranoia?" Nick sat and thought for a minute. "That sounds about right. I'm afraid that if I let myself think about it too much, I might slip up somewhere and let the world know. That could be a disaster, as you know." "Yeah, I know. Brian and I have the same problem. But if you're not going to actually think about this, you'll never get any answers about it." Nick sighed and agreed. "Can I ask something?" "I guess," he said warily. "Do you find yourself attracted to guys?" Nick shrugged, confusing me. I was about to ask when he started clarifying. "I guess. I mean, I can appreciate a good-looking guy, but I don't know if I could see myself actually dating one." I nodded. "Okay. You'll figure this out, Nick. You really will." "I hope so," he sighed again. "I'm getting really tired of all the confusion." "And now you've got me to talk to about it," I said with a smile. "That helps," Nick smiled back. "I'm glad I told you." "So am I, Nick," I said. "Can I ask you another question?" "Sure." "Why didn't you tell Brian about this? I mean, when he came out, why didn't you say something?" "I wasn't sure about anything," he explained. "And after the way Howie reacted, I didn't want to say anything if I wasn't sure. Even if it was just to Brian, he had a lot to deal with without me adding to it." "I guess that's reasonable," I conceded. "But I think you should talk about it with Brian, at least. The rest of the guys can wait, but I think he may have more of the answers that you're looking for." "No," he said quickly. "I don't want him to know yet. Nate, you have to promise me that you won't tell him. Please?" He sat up with a look of such panic that I felt my heart ache for what he must be going through. I put my hand on his arm to calm him down. "Okay Nick, it's okay. I won't say anything if you don't want me to. But keep what I said in mind, alright? I think Brian might be of some help here." "I'll think about it, but I don't want him to know yet," Nick said, relaxing a little. "At least until I get used to thinking about it. Really thinking about it, I mean," he added with a slight smile. "Okay," I said. "But promise me that if you need to talk about it, you'll let me know." "I promise," he said. "Besides, Brian has more than enough to worry about right now, without adding my problems to the pile. So do you. You've got to help him through all of this, write a book, and try to figure out what's going on in that head of yours." "I told you already, Nick. Let me worry about what I can and can't handle. Brian's a lot better since he talked to his father, he's going to make sure that I get time to work on the book, and there's not a whole lot I can do about where my mind goes while I'm sleeping. Just remember your promise to come and talk to me if you need to. I won't say a thing to anyone until you say so." "Okay," Nick agreed. "But the same goes for you. If you need to talk about anything, and I mean anything. Brian, the dreams, whatever, you come to me, okay?" "You'll be the first to know," I smiled. Nick and I decided to go out and grab some dinner, since we didn't know how long the others would be gone. Nick went back to his room to change, and I went to clean myself up. I stepped under the shower spray and tried to force myself to relax. Talking with Nick had been harder than I had thought it would be. I had thought that the time elapsed would have made talking about what I had been through easier, but I had apparently been wrong. Different images kept flashing through my head as I let the water run over my shoulders. Faces of people I had known, some friends, most enemies. Places and things I had seen, things I had felt. Bruises that had healed, but in some ways would never go away. Finally, the tears starting again, I couldn't take it any more. I shut off the water and half-fell half-sat in the corner of the shower stall and let myself go. My shoulders shook as I sobbed. I brought my knees to my chest and rested my forehead on them, wrapping my arms around my legs. Rocking gently, I continued to cry, trying to banish the images that were assailing my mind. Without the warm water washing over me, the air conditioned room was quite cold, and that, combined with the emotions coursing through my body, left me crouched in the stall, trembling and holding myself. I was still sitting there when Nick started calling my name from the other room. I kept rocking back and forth, completely unaware of him. He came into the bedroom, still calling me, and found his way into the bathroom. "Nate!" he yelled, catching my distorted image in the glass doors of the shower and hearing my sobs. The concern in his voice broke through to me enough to get my attention, and I turned my head to look at him as he slid the doors open. "Nate!" he said again, kneeling down to look at me. "Shit, Nate, you're freezing." I stared glass-eyed at him for a minute, tears still streaming down my face, then looked at my arms, which were covered in goose-bumps. But I didn't say anything, just continued to rock slowly. Nick stepped into the shower stall with me, soaking his feet as he did so, and grabbed me beneath the arms, forcing me to stand. Once I was standing, he walked me out into the bathroom and wrapped a large towel around me, rubbing my arms vigorously with it to get he circulation going again. "I don't think I'm up to going out," I whispered apologetically to Nick. "That's okay Nate," he said soothingly, still trying to get me warm. "Don't worry about it." I stopped talking and bit my lip a little as Nick finished with the towel and walked me to the bedroom, sitting me on the bed. "Jesus, Nate, how long were you in there?" I shrugged my shoulders and shivered a little bit, making him look more concerned, if that were possible. "Okay, let's just get you into bed," he said. "Do you have any warm pajamas or anything?" I shook my head. "No, I - we - just sleep in our boxers," I said without looking up at him. "Okay," he said again, wrapping a blanket around my shoulders and making me hold it closed at the front. "I'll be right back. You just sit right there, okay?" I nodded absently and he ran out of the room. I had finally succeeded in clearing my mind, but now I was stuck somewhere in an odd sort of limbo. I was numb, and it wasn't from being cold. Nick came back into the room carrying a small bundle. "You're going to hate me for this in the morning," he said. "But Brian's stuff would be too small for you, and you need something warm." He set the bundle down on the bed beside me and walked to my luggage, searching until he found some boxers for me to wear. He gave them to me, and I managed to slip them on without his help. I started to protest as he unfolded the clothes he had brought for me. "No," I said softly. "I said never." Nick smiled, apparently pleased that my sense of humour was showing through, however weakly. "Don't argue," he said sternly. "You need something warm, and this is it. Now put them on." He handed me the sweatpants and sweatshirt. I sighed and started to pull on the sweater, getting it backward. Nick took my hands away and turned it around, pulling it down over my head and forcing my hands through the sleeves. He then put my feet into the pants and stood me up, helping me get them on as well. "I look like hell," I mumbled, looking down at myself. "You're just going to bed," he argued gently, walking me around to the side of the bed. He pulled the covers back and made me get under them, then tucked them in around my chin. "Now you get some sleep. I'll be in the other room until Brian gets back, okay?" I nodded absently. "Nick?" "Yeah?" "Thanks," I said, closing my eyes. "You're welcome, Nate," he said, sitting down on the edge of the bed. "What are you going to tell Brian?" I asked. "I don't know. We'll have to tell him something. He's going to wonder why you're in my clothes." "You can't tell him," I said. "Nate..." "You promised," I insisted, forcing my eyes to open again. "You can't." "Okay," he soothed, putting his hand on my arm. "I won't tell him what happened tonight. But we've got to tell him something." "I know," I nodded again. "Tell him that we talked about me. Don't tell him what I said, just that I said it. Understand?" "I understand, Nate," he said. "But he's going to have to know about what happened in the shower." "Okay, he's got to know about that, I guess, but nothing else," I said, drifting off. "That'll be more than enough to worry him already." "Alright Nate, nothing else," Nick agreed. "Now you go to sleep." I pulled the blankets closer to me as I rolled over on my side. "Goodnight Nick. I'm sorry about all this." "Don't be sorry," Nick said, getting up. "Everything's going to be fine. I'll see you in the morning." "Okie," I whispered as I finally fell asleep. I woke up some time later, just barely grazing the surface of consciousness. I could hear Brian and Nick talking in the other room. "Nick, you're going to tell me what happened," Brian said. I could hear the fear in his voice. "He made me promise not to, Brian. All I can tell you is that we talked about how he grew up, and how he came to terms with being gay. I can't tell you what he told me, and I think you know that. I can say that's it's not a very happy story, and whatever doors he opened in his head to get it out and tell me, they weren't easy to close." "What the hell are you talking about?" Brian asked. The fear had given way to anger now. "What did he tell you?" "Bri, I can't tell you. He said that when the time was right, you'd hear it." "But he could tell you?" "There's more here that I can't tell you, Brian, but yes, he thought he needed to tell me," Nick said. "But what did it do to him?" Brian asked. "What happened?" "When we were done talking, we decided to go out and get some dinner. We didn't know when you were coming back, so we thought we were on our own. I went to my room to get changed, and he was supposed to call me when he was ready." "Then how did he wind up sleeping in your clothes?" Brian said quickly. "When he didn't call, I started to wonder what was going on. I waited for half an hour, but he still hadn't called, so I came over to see what was taking him so long. I found him in the shower stall curled up in the corner crying." "What?" "I told you, whatever he had to do to get his story out, I don't think he was ready for it. He was sitting in the shower, covered in goose-bumps and shivering. I had to call him a few times before I even got a reaction out of him." "Nick, you have to tell me what he said." "I really can't Brian," I heard Nick insist. "It was the last thing that he asked me to do before he fell asleep. He's determined to tell you himself, when the time is right." "Is he okay?" Brian asked, almost low enough for me not to hear. "I don't know Brian," Nick answered. "I think he'll be alright, but he had me worried for a while. I got him out of the shower and dried off, but he couldn't even dress himself. He was too out of it to manage that." I heard Brian sigh. "Okay. If you're not going to tell me what happened tonight, I'll have to trust him and wait for him to do it. Thanks for being here, Nick. Thanks for taking care of him." I sighed contentedly at the concern and love in his voice, and rolled back over in the bed. I didn't even get to hear Nick's response before I was asleep again. PART 48 I awoke the next morning with Brian's arms wrapped around me. I was on my side, with him snuggled right up behind me, his head resting beside and on top of mine. Brian had pulled the sweatshirt up at the front so that he could rest his hands on my stomach. I took a moment to enjoy the love that I could feel from him, even in his sleep, then tried to decide what I was going to tell him. I knew I couldn't go through my story again. Whatever doors, as Nick had called them, that I had opened were still there, and were still open. I could feel the memories hiding just below the surface, and I was certainly not ready to let them free again. Not even for Brian. Sighing to myself, I realised just how hot I was. Folding the covers back from me, I gently removed Brian's hands and rolled him over onto his other side. Then I slipped out of the bed and took off the sweatsuit that Nick had lent me, making a mental note to thank him for everything he had done. Enjoying the coolness of the room, I walked around and stood looking down at Brian. He looked so peaceful, but I knew that as soon as he awoke he'd be worried about me. 'How can I not tell you?' I asked silently. 'How can I let you worry about me without trying to make you see?' But I couldn't. I wasn't ready to go through it again, and I didn't see anything that Brian could do about what had happened. 'Nick could tell him,' I thought. But no, this was the kind of thing that he had to hear from me. I had made Nick promise not to talk about it, and I intended to hold him to it. Still feeling like I was lost somewhere without any idea how to find my way to where I needed to be, I got back into the bed and curled up to Brian, resting my hands on his stomach this time. He sighed a little and then settled, a smile coming to his face. "I love you," I whispered. "I just can't tell you. Not yet." I lay my head down again and closed my eyes, hoping I'd be able to find the words to make him understand. I awoke as Brian tried to get out of bed. "Bri?" I asked sleepily. I glanced at the clock and noticed that it was quite late. Apparently, we had missed breakfast. "Shit," he whispered. "I was trying not to wake you up." "Where are you going?" "Just to the bathroom," he said softly, kissing my forehead. "I'll be right back." "Okay." Brian got out of the bed and walked into the bathroom, shutting the door. I heard the click of the light switch, then rolled over a little and tried to get ready for the conversation that was going to come. I had almost drifted back to sleep when the door opened and Brian came back to bed. He slid in beside me and his hand found mine under the covers. "Your feet are cold," I giggled as his foot ran up my leg. He planted the souls of both feet on my leg, making me jump. Seeing the smile on my face, his finally surfaced for the first time. "You must be feeling better," he said. "Much, now that you're here," I said quietly. "I want to talk about it," he returned. "Not right now," I said, almost pleading with him. "Can't we just lie here for a little while?" "Nate, I'm worried about you." "I know you are," I said, getting closer to him. His cold feet moved as I crossed my leg over his and brought my head to rest on his shoulder. "But I don't know what to tell you." "Tell me what you told Nick," he said. "Please, tell me." I looked up at his face. All trace of a smile was gone. The only emotion there was concern. "Brian, I can't. Please. I can't go through it again right now." "You told Nick," he said quietly, and there was something new in his voice. He was jealous. "You have to listen to me, Brian. I told Nick because at the time Nick needed to know. I had to tell him. Don't ask me why he had to know, because I can't tell you. You have to trust me, though." "And I don't need to know?" Brian asked with a hitch in his voice. "My best friend finds my boyfriend freezing and curled up crying in the shower because of some discussion that you two had, and I don't need to know about it?" "Brian, I'm fine now. I just got into some things last night that I haven't thought about in a long time. Things that I didn't expect to be talking about with anyone," I said. "Nate, you're not fine. I can feel you trembling just from talking about it. There's obviously something more going on than you've been letting on." I sat up in the bed, breaking most of my contact with Brian's body. "Until last night, I was fine. You've got to believe that. There are just some things that I haven't told you about my life. Things that I don't like to think about, let alone talk about. They got a little out of control on me. That's all." "But I don't understand why you could tell Nick but you wouldn't tell me," Brian said, his composure slipping a little. His eyes squinted shut for a moment to stop a tear from falling. "Why don't you trust me?" "Oh Brian," I whispered, pulling him up from the mattress and holding him. "It's not that at all. There are circumstances that you don't know about here. Nick's dealing with something, and he came to ask me for some advice. He made me promise not to tell you what it was, but what I told Nick was what I needed to tell him to help him with it. "I didn't plan on telling him at all, but it was the only thing that I could do to help him. Please, believe me, I was going to tell you first. And I will. I just don't think I can handle it again right now." "You'll tell me?" he asked, looking me in the eye. "Yes," I nodded. "When I'm ready. I promise. But you've got to wait until I can handle it better. I don't want last night to happen again." "What did happen?" "I don't know," I sighed, laying us both back down and pulling the blankets over us. I put my arms around him and rested my head on his chest. "I thought I could handle telling Nick about my life. I thought it was behind me, and that I would be fine. Once he left and I got into the shower, it all just came flooding back. It was like going through it all again in a couple of minutes, and it got away from me." "It's that bad?" Brian asked, putting his finger under my chin and forcing me to look up at him. "Some of it is, yeah," I said, shivering a little against him. "But I can't Brian. Please?" "Okay," he said, hushing me. "When you're ready. I'm not saying I understand, but I trust you." "Thank you," I said. "And Brian?" "What sweetie?" he asked, putting his arm around me. "I know you're planning on trying to get Nick to tell you what his problem is." "No, I wasn't..." "Yes you were, and I want you to promise me that you won't. He doesn't need you pressuring him. Let him work through it if he needs to. He'll tell you when he's ready." "Fine," Brian sighed. "What is it with you two and secrets?" "Brian, please don't put it like that." "Like what?" "Like we're conspiring together to keep something from you. Neither one of us are ready to tell you yet. When we are, you'll be the first to know. Now can we please talk about something else?" I wasn't sure at all how much longer I could keep from crying just thinking about having to go through it all again so soon. "Gladly," Brian chuckled. "I think we've had more than enough drama lately." I nodded my agreement, dragging my stubbly chin against his chest. "Hey, that tickles!" he laughed. I kept moving my head around, until he finally threatened to get out of bed if I didn't stop. "So what should we talk about?" he asked. "Well, for starters, why did we miss breakfast?" "When I got back last night and found out what happened - what little Nick was allowed to tell me - I called Kevin and told him that we wouldn't be there for breakfast. I wanted you to get as much sleep as you needed, and then I wanted to talk about what happened," Brian explained. "That was sweet," I said, kissing his shoulder. "Thank you." "Anything for my baby," he grinned. "So where did you go when you left here last night?" I asked, enjoying just being with him. "We went and got some dinner, and then we went to a club," he said. "I would have come back and asked you to come, but you really looked like you could use the sleep when we left." "I was tired," I said. "I don't think I would have been up for a club anyway." "So why were you awake when Nick came by?" he asked. "You should have been napping." "I had a two-hour nap," I said. "There's only so much napping one person can do, no matter how tired they are." I was hoping that he wouldn't push any further. The last thing that I needed was to tell him about the nightmares. He didn't ask again, though. He just nodded. "Oh hey!" I said, sitting up a little. "Did you get talking to Howie?" He smiled. "Sure did," he said. "He told me at dinner. Why didn't you say something?" "He asked me not to tell you until he could apologise himself." "Well it's about time," Brian sighed. "Do you get the feeling that things are going to turn out okay after all?" "Everytime I'm with you," I said, making him smile. "You're pretty," he laughed, running his finger down the side of my face. I turned my head and bit his finger, using my tongue to pull it into my mouth and suck on it. "Ooooh," Brian cooed. "Wha ah oo ooin oo-ay?" I asked him. "What was that?" he laughed, pulling his finger out of my mouth. "I was wondering what you were doing today," I grinned, moving up and nibbling on his ear instead. It was the only way I could think of to keep his mind off of the night before. "Hmmm... well, this is nice," he giggled. "But I have a photo shoot this afternoon with the rest of the guys. Kevin's going to call when I have to get ready." "So until then?" I asked, blowing into his ear. "I'm all yours," he grinned. "Good," I smiled, pulling the covers up over top of us. "I want to spend some time just being here with you." PART 49 Brian and I stayed in bed for the rest of the morning, revelling in just being close to one another. We barely said a word, but the important things are those that can't be put into words anyway. Kevin called for Brian shortly after noon. I rolled over and picked up the phone. "Kevin if that's you I'm gonna kick your ass," I laughed. "Well, get your kicking boots on," Kevin responded. "You knew it was coming." "But I'm not ready to give him up yet," I protested. "He's keeping me warm." "I'm sure he is," Kevin laughed. "But he's got to get ready to go. Kick him out of bed and get him in the shower." "What if I refuse?" "Then I come barging in there and drag him out. Regardless of what I may have to look at," he laughed. "Now come on. I promise you can have him back, just as soon as we're done with the photo shoot." I sighed dramatically as Brian smiled up at me. "Alright, I guess. If you promise. He'll be ready in a little while." "Twenty minutes," Kevin insisted. "Forty," I countered. "Half an hour. That's it. We'll be cutting it close as it is," Kevin bargained with a chuckle. "Geez, you'd think you were never going to see him again." "Thirty minutes," I agreed. "Thanks Kevin." "Yeah yeah, don't thank me. You're the one that has to put up with him for half an hour," he laughed. "Talk to you later, Nate. And don't make me come in there to get him." "Would you have a little faith in me?" I said with a smile. "He'll be downstairs in the lobby looking all pretty in thirty minutes." "He better be." "You doubt my persuasiveness?" I asked with a laugh. "No, I doubt your self-control." "Very funny. I'm hanging up now, because you're eating into my goodbye time." "Terribly sorry," he said. "See you tonight." "Yeah, tonight," I agreed, hanging up the phone. "Now where were we?" Brian said, pulling the covers over our heads again and planting a kiss on my lips. I took a moment or two to enjoy it, then pushed him away. "Oh no," I said. "You're not getting me in trouble with Kevin. You have to be showered and ready to go in about twenty-five minutes." "That's lots of time," Brian said softly, rubbing his leg against mine. "Then there should be lots of time for a proper goodbye," I said, kissing him briefly. "When you're done getting ready." "But sweetie..." he whined. "No buts," I said sternly. "You have to get ready now, or there's going to be no kiss goodbye." Brian threw off the blankets and vaulted off of the bed. I laughed as he ran for the bathroom, overshooting it. He reversed direction and disappeared through the doorway. A moment later, I heard the shower turn on and the gentle swish of the stall door closing. I got up as well, and walked out into the main room. Picking up the phone, I ordered coffee, then opened the door to the balcony and stepped outside. The view was incredible, and I was soon lost in the beauty of the city below me. "Done!" Brian called from behind me. "Did you shave?" I asked without turning. "You need it." He sighed and turned around again. "Done!" he called again a few minutes later. "Did you brush your teeth?" Another sigh. "Done!" he called for a third time. I finally turned and looked at him. He had indeed shaved, but he was standing there in a towel. I felt my resolve to see him out the door slip a little, then grabbed what little of it I could and steeled myself. "You're not even dressed," I said, trying to sound stern. "I was hoping you would help me," he said michievously. "Now why on earth would I want to see you with *more* clothes on?" I asked with a smile as I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around him. "I don't know," Brian said, shrugging. "Why don't you and I..." I said seductively. "Yeah?" "Go back into the bedroom..." "Yeah..." "And find you something to wear," I concluded with a grin. "You have five minutes before Kevin comes after me for you being late, and I think we both know you won't defend me." "You're such a tease," Brian said, standing his ground and pulling me tighter to him. "But I'm a tease with a back-bone," I laughed. "Now go and get ready. At this rate, all you're getting is a peck on the cheek as Kevin drags you out the door." Brian grinned and turned to walk into the bedroom again, making sure to take his time. Just before he shut the door, he removed the towel, giving me a brief look at his ass as he did so. I laughed quietly to myself and walked back out onto the balcony. Leaning against the balcony, I tried to figure out what I was going to do about Brian. I couldn't tell him yet, but I couldn't make him wait much longer either. He was already starting to question my faith in him because of my refusal to confide in him. I jumped a little as he slid his arms around my waist. "Penny for your thoughts," he said softly in my ear. "I was just thinking about how wonderful you are," I lied. "Is that so?" he said. "Yep. You are a wonderful man," I said, spinning in his arms so that we were facing each other. At least this wasn't a lie. Brian pretended to consider it for a moment before nodding. "Yeah, I am pretty wonderful, aren't I?" he laughed. "You know what else you are?" I asked, kissing his nose. "What?" "Late. Now get that cute little ass of yours in gear and get out into the hall." "You saw?" he grinned. "I saw. Now get moving." I pulled Brian by the hand to the door, then opened it and pulled him out into the hall. Glancing around, I didn't see any of the other guys yet. "See? I'm not late," Brian protested. "There's still lots of time for a goodbye kiss." "You're incorrigible," I said with a smile. "That's what you love about me," Brian returned, pulling me back into an embrace. "Is that what it is?" I asked, moving my lips toward his. "That, and my cute ass," he grinned as we kissed. Brain put his hands on my hips and I placed mine around his neck as we got further into the kiss. As our tongues met, I started to run my fingers through his hair, then stopped, afraid to mess it up for the photo shoot. Then the rational part of my mind spoke up, mentioning the presence of a hairdresser at the shoot, and I let my hands go where they wanted to. Brian's hands, meanwhile, had found the small of my back, and then the waistband of my boxers. I felt his hands run under the elastic and hook at the thumbs. We weren't exactly indecent yet, but Brian was pushing it. I kicked him in the shins and he stopped moving his hands. He didn't retract them, but they didn't go any further. I smiled against his lips and opened my eyes briefly, catching the smirk on his face. "You two have a room, and you still have to make out in the halls?" Aj laughed from behind us. We jumped and broke apart, turning to find all four of the other guys standing in the hall. I was just saying goodbye," I smiled. "I didn't want Kevin coming after me for making him late." "Well from the look of it, that kiss should last him for a few hours," Kevin laughed. "Let's go." "Bye," Brian said sweetly, kissing me on the cheek. "Bye," I answered, kissing him back. "Bye!" AJ called out as he walked to the elevator and started making kissing noises. "See you later, Nate," Kevin and Howie both said, joining AJ at the elevator and dragging Brian with them. He put on a sad expression for me and waved dejectedly, making me laugh again. Nick was the last to leave, coming to stand beside me. "Nate?" I looked at his face and saw concern written all over it. "Are you okay?" "I'll be fine," I said, giving him my best smile. "That's not what I asked," he replied, his look becoming more intense. "I know, but it's the only answer I have right now," I said. "Did you tell him?" "No. I can't yet. I need time to work up to it again," I answered, looking down at the carpet. "I'm sorry that you went through all of that just to help me," Nick said sadly. "If I had known what it would do to you, I wouldn't have said anything last night." "It's okay Nick. I'll be fine. I just need some time." He nodded. "Okay. I'll see you tonight when we get back?" "Sure thing. I missed breakfast, I won't miss dinner," I smiled. "Nick!" Kevin called. "Okay," Nick said, putting his hand on my arm briefly. "Bye." "Bye," I answered, watching Nick join them and the five of them get on the waiting elevator. I turned and went back into the room, falling on the couch with a sigh. A few minutes later, I got up and answered the door, taking the carafe and mug from the waiter. "What am I going to do?" I asked the empty room. "Why can't I just tell him?" But the answer to that was clear, if unsatisfactory. I wasn't ready for that. The previous night had proven that I couldn't handle it yet. But that left me wondering what to do about Brian. He had told me that he could wait until I was ready to tell him everything, but there was something in the way he had said it. As though he thought I didn't have enough faith in him, like I didn't trust him with it, and it broke my heart to see that in him. "Am I ever going to get to the point where things go well?" I asked, still talking to the room. "Just once, I'd like things to be easy. Smooth sailing. Is that too much to ask?" I fell silent, as though expecting an answer. It was this that convinced me that maybe talking to an empty room may not be as theraputic as it was insane. Smiling at myself a little, I took my coffee out onto the balcony and leaned out over the railing. 'All over the city,' I thought. 'People all over the city are going about their lives. They have pasts, all of them, but they're still going. Don't see any of them curled up in a shower stall crying for no reason.' I sighed and sipped at my coffee, trying to make sense of what had been happening to me the last few weeks. The nightmares were starting to worry me. If they were getting bad enough for me to be screaming in my sleep, it was only a matter of time until Brian found out about them. That would only worry him more than he was already. 'And what can I tell him about them?' I thought. 'The only thing I know for sure is that they're getting worse and they're scaring the hell out of me. Neither one of which is going to put Brian at ease.' The sound of tearing metal rose to my ears once again, supplied by my overeager and well-trained imagination. 'Where the hell is that coming from?' I screamed in my head. 'What does it mean?' I tried desperately to remember any other details from my dreams, but nothing would come. There was a blur of movement, and then the metallic shriek. Again I had the feeling that if I had tried hard enough last night, I could have remembered more, but I was still terrified to do that. I didn't need any more nightmare images invading my day. I sat down in one of the lounge chairs and rested my head in my hands, sitting my coffee on the concrete beside me. I wiped my hair out of my eyes, noting that it was longer than it should be and making a note to have it cut soon. I took a deep breath and let it out again, deciding that I may as well get some work done rather than wallow on the balcony all day. Standing up, I grabbed my coffee and headed inside again, leaving the door open so that I could get some breeze in the room. I picked up my computer bag and started to unload it onto the dining table, quickly setting up my little workstation. I had just turned the computer on when the hotel phone rang. "Hello?" I said, putting it to my ear. "Hey sweetie," Brian said. "Hey yourself." "Just wanted to see if you were getting any writing done, or if you went back to bed," he laughed. "I just finished my first cup of coffee and set up the computer," I said. "Relax. No need for Carrie to hunt you down yet." "Just making sure," he said. "Everything okay?" "Everything's fine," I answered with a slight sigh. "I'm just going to get a bit of work done, and then maybe get a haircut." "But you're cute when you're shaggy," he whispered. "But I'm cute when I'm not, too," I argued with a laugh. "Well, you got me there," he conceded. "Listen, I've got to go. Someone messed up my hair this morning, so I have to redo it." "I'm sure whoever did it had a good reason," I replied. "I'll talk to you later." "Love you." "Love you too, Bri." I said as I hung up. Laughing a little to myself, I walked back to the table and entered my password. Opening two windows, one for the chapter that I was currently working on and one for the notes I had made on what was to happen next, I started to type. An hour later, I sighed in frustration and resisted the urge to throw the laptop off of the balcony. Instead I printed out the little that I had managed to get done and looked it over. Not that it took long. I had a grand total of one and a half pages. And in that little time, I had managed to type 'Brian' instead of my main character's name three times. Taking out my editing pen, I scratched them out and inserted the proper name. Then, sitting down on the couch, I quickly read over the printout. By the time that I was done with the editing pen, my one and a half pages had dwindled to three usable paragraphs. I walked over to the table again and inserted the pages into a folder of editing to be done, then slammed the screen down on my computer with a curse. "I don't know if I can handle this," I sighed to the room. "I really don't." I would have continued the one-sided conversation, but my cell phone started ringing from the bedroom. With another longing look at the computer, I ran to answer it. Picking it up, I mentally prepared myself and flipped it open. This would mark the third time that Brian had called to make sure that I was okay. "Hi sweetie," I said. "Before you ask, I'm fine." "Glad to hear it hon," Andrea laughed. "And why wouldn't you be?" "Oh, sorry Andy," I grinned. "Thought you were a Backstreet Boy." "One of the cute ones?" she asked. "The cutest." "Well then, you're forgiven," she laughed again. "Now why would you think I was Brian?" "He's already called twice in the last hour and a half to make sure that I was okay," I explained. "I was playing the odds." "Well they don't come much odder than you, my friend. Actually, I'm calling because of him. He called me and told me that he was worried about you. Why is he so concerned? What happened?" Damn, I thought. Why did he have to be so... so Brian. "Andy..." "Is it his mother?" she interrupted. "Did she hit you or something again?" "No, it's nothing like that," I said. "He's just concerned. He's worrying too much, as usual." I was trying to sound casual about the whole thing, hoping that she would let it drop. No such luck. "And you're lying about something," she said. "What's going on?" "Andrea, it's nothing. I'll be okay." "I'm sure you will, sweetie, but if you're *going* to be fine, it is implied that you aren't fine *now*, and that's what I want to hear about," she insisted. "Can't we just let it drop?" I asked plaintively. "How long have you known me?" she asked. "Too long sometimes," I joked. "Long enough to know that you won't let this drop, I suppose." "Then get talking." I relaxed back on the bed, resting against the headboard and putting a pillow behind me. As I moved it, I caught the distinct odour of Brian's cologne and took a moment to savour the sensation. It was amazing how calming just the scent of him was. "Nate?" I heard from the phone, bringing me out of my reverie. "Sorry," I apologised. "Just zoned out for a minute." "What'd you do? Find his eyelash?" she laughed. "Nope, just his pillow," I grinned. "Well are you comfy now?" "As comfy as I get without him beside me, I guess," I sighed. "Then tell me why he called me. Now." she ordered. "Okay," I gave in. I knew that if I didn't tell her everything, she'd just call Brian and get the details from him. What few of them he knew, anyway. "But you have to accept from the start of this that there are a few things that I can't tell you. They're not mine to tell." "Who's are they?" "You'll see. But I don't want to spend time arguing with you over them. If I can't tell you, I won't tell you. And we both know that that stare you use to get information out of me isn't going to work over the phone." She laughed and gave in. "Okay. There are some things you can't tell. But you better tell me what you can. Brian sounded pretty worried, and I'm not far behind him." Taking a deep breath, I tried to decide where to start. Looking at the rumpled side of the bed where Brian had slept, I made up my mind. "I've been having some pretty screwed up dreams." "Screwed up as in..." "As in waking up in the middle of the night covered in sweat with your jaw clenched and fists holding handfuls of the sheets trying not to scream." "What are they about?" she asked. "I wish I knew," I said. "The only thing I can remember about them is the sound of metal being torn apart. Everything else disappears when I wake up." "How long have you been having them?" "Off and on for a few weeks," I said. "They started shortly after I joined Brian and the guys in Chicago." "And you didn't tell me about them? What does Brian think?" "Um..." "You haven't told him? Why the hell haven't you told him?" she asked concernedly. "What was I supposed to do, Andy? Yes, Brian, I know that you're having a hard time with Howie, and your mother thinks I'm Satan and all, but did I mention that I'm starting to go insane? I don't think that's a very constructive approach," I said sarcastically, and immediately hated myself for the bitterness that was clear in my voice. "Nate..." "I'm sorry Andrea," I said quickly. "I shouldn't have gone off like that. I just don't feel myself the last little while." "It's alright, Nate," she soothed. "But there's obviously something more to all of this. If Brian doesn't know about the nightmares, why did he call me?" "I'm coming to that," I said. "Last night, after we got in from the airport, I went straight to bed. I didn't get any sleep on the plane, and you know what that does to me." "Yeah..." "Well, I went to bed, and ordered Brian to go out and have a good time with the rest of the guys. Nick was going to stay and sleep too, so they were going to dinner or whatever." "Please tell me you didn't sleep with Nick," Andrea laughed. "God no!" I said, smiling again. How did she always manage that? "But I had another dream, and I woke up screaming. Nick heard me and came running." "Good boy," she said. "But if they're bad enough that you wake up screaming, how are you managing to keep this from Brian?" "Last night was the first time it's happened. Until now, I've been able to keep it in. Anyway, Nick came running, and he made me tell him what was going on. We talked about the dreams, and I made him promise not to tell Brian about them. Not that he could tell him much, since I don't really know anything either." "Okay..." Andrea prompted. "So after we were done talking, something happened with Nick. This is the part that I can't tell you, because he swore me to secrecy about it. Suffice to say that Nick was having a personal problem, and he wanted my advice about it." "That's so sweet," Andrea intoned. "I'm so glad that you two are getting close." I stopped to think about it for a moment, and realised that she was right. Nick was quickly becoming one of the best friends that I had ever had. Looking back on it, it seemed so easy. I had always had trouble opening up and making new friends, but with Nick it seemed to have always been there. "Me too," I said finally, returning to the conversation. "But this thing with Nick is really upsetting him, and I did the only thing that I could think of to help him deal with it." "I'm going to assume that it was more than make him some warm milk?" Andrea joked. "I told him about me," I said. "What do you mean you told him about you?" "Everything. Well, almost everything. My childhood, my first year of high school and how that ended, my parents. Pretty much the whole thing." "Shit Nate!" Andrea yelled into the phone, making me take it away from my ear for a moment before settling it back again. "You told him all of that? Must be one hell of a problem he's got to get you to talk about that." "It is," I said. "You mentioned that you were glad that Nick and I were getting close. I just couldn't stand to see him the way he was, and the only thing that I thought might help him was to tell him." "Did it help?" "I think so. It gave him a few insights, I think, and started him thinking about things a little differently." "I bet. So which one of you told Brian?" "Neither one of us," I said. "I made Nick promise to let me be the one to tell him." "Well why did you telling Nick your life history make Brian so concerned if he doesn't even know the story?" "After I told Nick, we talked for a while, and then decided to go and get some dinner. He left and I went to have a quick shower. Something happened while I was in the shower, Andy. Remember how I reacted after I told you?" "Yeah," she said worriedly. "You refused to talk about it again. You tried to make yourself forget and almost wore yourself out trying to stay busy." "Well, this was almost the exact opposite. I kept seeing things. Jack, my parents, stuff like that. It just sort of flooded my mind, and I couldn't get rid of it." "So what did you do?" she asked. I'm not a big believer in telepathy, but I got a very clear mental image of what she was thinking. "Nothing like what you're worried about sweetie," I said quickly, allaying her fears. "I broke down, though. Nick found me three-quarters of an hour later sitting in a ball in the corner of the shower stall crying." "Shit," Andrea said under her breath. "He got me out of the shower and into some warm clothes, and put me to bed. After I made him promise again not to tell Brian what I had told him, he sat with me until I fell asleep." "Remind me to give him a big hug next time I see him," Andrea said, making me laugh. "Will do," I agreed. "The problem was, Nick had to tell him about what happened in the shower, since I was fully dressed in bed, and it was obvious that something was wrong." Call me proud, but I just couldn't bring myself to tell her that I was wearing a sweatsuit. "So Brian knows that you and Nick talked about your past, but not what you talked about, and he knows that you had a breakdown in the shower, but not why," Andrea summed up. "That's about the size of it, yeah," I said. "Well no wonder he's so worried," she said. "He's more than worried, Andy." I ran my hand over Brian's side of the bed, smoothing the wrinkles there and kidding myself that I could still feel his warmth in the softness of the sheets. "He's pissed because I told Nick and not him." "And you can't tell him why you talked to Nick, because then you'd have to tell him what Nick's problem is." "Right. So now he's worried about me and jealous of Nick." "And how are you doing, really?" she asked. That was the question, wasn't it? I wasn't sure how to answer. Half of the time, I felt fine, if a little uneasy, but the other half of the time, I felt like I was about one step away from total emotional breakdown. I briefly considered lying to Andrea, but knew that she'd hear it in my voice and only worry more than she already was. "I don't know," I said honestly. "I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. Howie's finally coming around, but now I have Brian's mom to contend with, and making sure that Brian is okay. I have to constantly worry about people finding out about Brian and I, and the dreams aren't helping. I don't want Brian to find out about them until I have some sort of idea what's going on. I'm worried about Nick, and still trying to recover from what happened last night, and now I have to think about Brian's hurt feelings. "To be perfectly honest, Andy, I'm scared. Things are piling up and nothing's getting easier. I tried to write this morning and may as well have been typing in Gaelic for all the sense it made." I felt the first tear swell up in my eye and for a moment the room blurred. Blinking, it fell, followed by another and another, until I was crying freely. "Everything's starting to seem like it's getting ready to fall apart. Me included. I don't know what to do about it, and I'm scared," I said. "Nate," Andrea said quietly. "Do you need me? I'll be on the first plane if you want me to come." "No," I managed to say. "I've got to work through this on my own, Andy. I know you want to help, and if I think you can, I'll tell you. I promise. But you don't need to come." "Are you sure? You've got me worried, kiddo." "Trust me, you're no more worried than I am, but I think this is best." "Alright, but if you need me, you call. And talk to Nick if you need to," she mothered. I used the back of my hand to wipe at my face, clearing away the dampness there. "I will." "Okay, I'm going to let you go, if you're sure you don't need me to come down there." "I'm sure," I said. "I'm just feeling a little at wits end." "Which is understandable, Nate. You always take too much onto yourself. You can't be everyone's rock, sweetie. Take some time for you and get some rest. Forget about all of this stuff for a while." "Thanks, Andy. I feel a bit better just talking with you." "Me too," she laughed softly. "Thing's will work out, Nate. You'll get through all of this, and then you'll have clear sailing." "Clear sailing," I said wistfully. "I wonder what that would be like." "You'll see. I promise." "Okay, Andrea. I'll try to keep that in mind." "You do that. I'll talk to you later?" "Count on it," I said. "Thanks." "No problem, hon. Bye." "Bye," I said, flipping the phone closed and sliding down on the bed. Brian's pillow fell down over my face, and I took a moment to enjoy the smell of him again. Inhaling deeply, I felt a smile come to my face. I exchanged my own pillow for his, resting my head gently down in the spot that Brian's had been a few hours before. Rolling over onto my side, I lay my hand on the spot of the bed where his heart would be if he were with me, imagining the silkiness of his skin under my touch. I closed my eyes and drifted off, still wondering about my ability to keep things together and be there for Brian. And Nick. And myself. To Be Continued... Thanks for reading everyone! :) As always, comments are certainly welcome and appreciated! ALSO: The next installment and those after it will now be coming out later than before. I am going to try and keep it to once a week for as long as I can. I'm getting a wee bit busy lately, and finding the time to write is getting harder. :( DLS dls_stories@hotmail.com