Date: Wed, 15 Sep 1999 10:58:50 EDT
From: D LS <dls_stories@hotmail.com>
Subject: Brian & Me Part 50

Okay, first things first. This story is a complete work of fiction, and is
not meant to imply anything about anyone. While some of the characters
maybe loosely based on real people that I know, none are meant to actually
represent anyone, particularly any of the members of the Backstreet
Boys. We may wish that they were gay, and maybe some of them even are, but
I'm certainly not about to say that they are. :)

As usual, if you are offended or made uncomfortable by material concerning
sexual relations between consenting adult men, lighten up or go somewhere
else. Also, if it is in any way illegal for you to be reading this type of
thing, please don't. Or do, just don't get caught and feel *very* guilty.;)

If any of the BSB happen to be reading this (hey, we can dream can't we?),
feel free to drop me a line and let me know what you think.

***Thanks to Tyler, Jeff, Lauren (author of Lucky Me), Lukas, Matty, Brian,
Yuli, Jake, Matt(author of Search & Rescue), Jeremy, Jared, Johnathan, and
everyone else who has taken the time to write, for their extra-nice
comments. It makes it much easier to sit down and write with people like
you to encourage me. The list could go on and on, but I know that's not
what you people want to read, so I digress...

***Special thanks also to JB and EG (author of Adam, Zach, and the BSB),
who read over what you are about to read and offered their opinions. There
is no doubt that the story is better than it would have been without them.

Drop me a line at DLS_stories@hotmail.com and let me know what you think

Enjoy!


     PART 50

     "Nate..."  I felt Brian nudge me in the ribs and opened my eyes a
little, wincing at the lances of light that immediately assaulted me.

     "Wake up Nate," he said again.  I dared to open my eyes a little more,
and saw him sitting on the edge of the bed, holding my hand. "Hey," he
smiled.

     "Hey yourself," I groaned.  "What time is it?"

     "Almost six," he said, glancing at the clock.  "How are you feeling?"

     "Like you should be on the other side of the bed," I smiled back.

     "Well I think we can manage that," he grinned, crawling across me.  He
got to the point of straddling my hips and then stopped.  "Oops.  I'm
stuck," he laughed, leaning over me and resting his hands on either side of
my shoulders.

     "That's too bad," I said.  "Guess you'll have to stay there."

     "Gladly," he whispered, leaning in to kiss me.

     Our lips met and I felt a spark pass between us.  His tongue caressed
my own and I felt him rest his weight on me and move his hands to the sides
of my head.

     We broke apart again as I rolled to my side, sending him sliding off
of me and into his side of the bed.  He landed on his left side, his face
resting on his (my) pillow, a few inches from my own.

     "So how was your day?" I asked him, gently stroking his arm with my
hand.

     "Well, the morning flew by," he said mischievously.  "But the rest of
it dragged on forever.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to smile when
all you can think about is how much you'd rather be with your boyfriend?"

     "Poor baby," I laughed.  "Do you know how hard it is to get anything
done when your boyfriend keeps calling to see how you are?  And then when
he gets your best friend to call too?" I said sarcastically with a smile.

     "Are you mad at me?" he asked, bringing his hand to my cheek.  The
gentleness in his touch was overwhelming.  I brought my own hand to his and
enfolded it, bringing it to rest between us on the bed.

     "No," I said.  "I know that you're concerned.  And I know that you're
upset that I can't confide in you yet.  But you just have to believe that I
will when the time is right.  And it was good to talk to Andrea again."

     He nodded.  "I just didn't know what else to do.  I could see how
upset you were, and I have a feeling that there's more going on than you or
Nick have told me.  I just wanted you to have someone that you could vent
with.  Someone who knew everything about you and you could talk to freely.
Andrea seemed like the perfect choice."

     I smiled and leaned forward until our foreheads were touching.  "She
was," I assured him.  "She probably called you, right?"

     He returned the smile.  "Yeah.  She called after she talked to you.
She said that you told her what happened, and that there was nothing to do
but wait and see how you handled it.  I don't like it, but I think she's
right."

     I nodded.  "She is."

     "So *are* you okay?" he asked.  "No strings attached.  Yes or no."

     "I don't know.  I'm still a little rattled, and I still have a lot to
work out for myself.  It's not as easy as yes or no.  Am I holding it
together now?  Yes.  Can I keep it up?  Only time will tell, Brian."

     "I don't like the sound of that," Brian frowned.

     "I know you don't.  I promise you, though, that I'm going to do
everything I can to get back to okay so that you and I can move ahead, no
secrets."

     I watched him absorb my words, then nod.  "Alright."

     Rubbing my nose with his, I smiled.  "Thank you," I said softly.

     "Eskimo kisses again?" he laughed.

     "You remembered!" I grinned at him before rubbing my nose against his
again.

     "I remember everything you say to me," he said sweetly.

     "Awww," I said, kissing him briefly.

     Brian's hand came to the side of my head again and ran through my
hair.  "I thought you were going to get this cut," said with a smile.

     "I thought I was cute shaggy," I teased.

     "Oh you are," he laughed.

     "I didn't get around to it.  I got a bit of writing done, and then
Andrea called, and by that time I was already sitting in the bed, so I
figured..."

     "You figured that you may as well have a nap while you were here?"
Brian filled in for me with a smile.

     "Something like that, yeah.  I'll go tomorrow."

     "Okay," Brian agreed.  "This way there's more for me to run my fingers
through."  As if to prove his point, he did so again, pulling his hand away
from my head slowly and letting my hair slip through his fingers.

     "So what do you want to do tonight?" I asked, pulling his hand away
from my head and holding it.

     "The guys want to go out to a club or something," he said.  "We were
waiting to decide until I talked to you and found out what you wanted to
do."

     "A club sounds good," I said.  "But what about Nick?"

     "What about him?"

     "He's a little young for bar-hopping, isn't he?" I asked.

     "Don't worry about him," Brian laughed.  "Do you have any idea who we
are?  Once they see who he is, he never has a problem, as long as we keep
an eye on him."

     "Okay, a club it is then," I said decisively.  "Now what about
dinner?"

     A sly smile spread across Brian's face.  "I thought we'd have dinner
in bed," he said softly.

     "Oooh, and just what did you have in mind, Mr. Littrell?" I asked,
matching his grin with one of my own.

     "Pizza," he said with a laugh.  "I've been craving it all day."

     "Pizza?" I asked, sitting up a little.  "You want to have pizza?  How
romantic," I said sarcastically.

     "Please?" he said, making his eyes round and pouting his lower lip a
bit.

     The light hit his eyes just right, making them shine as if they were
lit from within.  His eyelashes flashed as he batted them at me, adding the
finishing touches to his routine.  I sighed and agreed to pizza.  Anything
to get that look off of his face.

     "Thanks!" he exclaimed, kissing my nose.  "I'll go call."

     "I'm going to shower while you do that," I said as he vaulted from the
bed.  "I feel icky."

     "Okay sweetie," Brian called back to me as he ran into the outer room.
I stood from the bed, realising that I had been in my boxers all day and
feeling quite slobbish.  I smiled to myself and walked into the bathroom,
grabbing a towel from the fresh pile the maid had dropped off earlier in
the day.

     "You've got ten minutes," Brian called from the bedroom.

     "Alright," I yelled back, sliding the glass door open and starting the
water.

     Brian opened the door just as I was hooking my thumbs in the waistband
of my underwear and preparing to drop them.  "Need anyone to scrub your
back?" he asked, looking me up and down.

     "I think I can handle it," I laughed.  "Now if you would excuse me..."

     "It's not like I haven't seen it before," he smiled.

     "If you don't get out of here, you won't see it again anytime soon," I
grinned.  "Now go."

     "Okay," he gave in.  "But I showed you mine this morning."  He turned
and started to shut the door.

     "Bri?" I called softly, making him stop and turn around to face me
again.  I smiled brightly and turned, dropping my shorts and mooning him
before pulling them back up again.

     He laughed and gave me his biggest grin, then turned and left the
room, still chuckling to himself.  I walked to the shower and checked the
temperature of the water.  Adjusting it slightly, I dropped my boxers again
and stepped out of them and into the stall.

     I moaned as the water hit my face, cascading over my shoulders and
easing the tension there.  I could feel it getting cooler as the droplets
travelled down my body.

     I quickly rinsed my body off, then washed and conditioned my hair,
opting to lather and rinse, but not to bother repeating.  I only had ten
minutes, after all.  While I waited the customary time for the conditioner
to work before I rinsed it out of my hair, I grabbed the tiny bar of soap
from the shelf and washed.

     Five minutes later, I was clean and refreshed, though there were still
a few knots in my shoulders and back that were going to take more than a
shower to loosen up.  I stepped out of the stall and onto the tiled floor
of the bathroom again, taking my towel from the rack on the wall beside the
shower stall.

     Drying my hair, I walked to the mirror and used the side of my hand to
wipe away the mist that had accumulated there.  Before it could fog again,
I managed to fix my too-long hair and brush my teeth.  Wrapping another,
dry, towel around my waist, I opened the door to the bedroom and stepped
inside.

     Looking around, I didn't see Brian.  I did, however, see an
immaculately made bed.  The rumples that Brian and I had left in it had
been smoothed out, and the sheets pulled back up, tucked around the pillows
again.

     Wondering what was going on, I was about to step into the outer room
in my towel when I caught my reflection in the mirror atop the dresser in
the room.  Laughing to myself, I checked my steps and went to the closet
instead.

     I opened the door and looked through the clothes that were hanging
there.  'What does one wear to a romantic pizza dinner with one's
boyfriend?' I asked myself sarcastically.  I finally pulled out a pair of
chinos and a white dress shirt.  Since it was so hot, I decided to just
pull the shirt on and leave it unbuttoned, rolling the sleeves up to my
elbows.

     I glanced at the sock drawer of the dresser, but vetoed the idea
instantly.  Bare feet were the perfect accompaniment to casual pants and an
unbuttoned shirt, I thought.  With a chuckle, I closed the closet door and
stepped to the door to the outer room.

     As I reached for the doorknob, I paused.  Brian had started the
stereo, and it was playing some soft, romantic mood music.  I stood there,
hand on the doorknob, for a moment, listening to the music and thinking
about how lucky I was to have Brian.

     After a minute or two, I heard a knock at the door.  Brian opened it,
exchanged a few pleasantries with the waiter, then closed it again.  I
waited another minute so that it didn't look like I had been listening at
the door, then opened it and stepped out into a scene that took my breath
away.

     Brian was whistling softly along with the CD that he had put on and
was spreading out a large red-checked cloth on the floor of the room.  He
had pushed the furniture in the sitting area out of the way and cleared an
area of floor.  The lights in the room were off, and there were large
candles set at each corner of the cloth, illuminating the room in soft,
flickering light.

     Brian heard my breath catch in my throat and looked up at me with a
smile.  "Romantic enough?" he asked.

     I couldn't speak, so I nodded and gave him the most loving smile I
could muster.  He must have got the idea, because his smile turned up a
notch and his eyes started to glitter in the candlelight.

     He held his hand out toward me, urging me to join him.  As if of their
own accord, my feet started to shuffle across the soft carpet.  Reaching
him, I smiled and reached for his hand.  As our skin touched, I felt a
shock pass through my hand.  Not in a romantic sense, though that was there
as well, but in a real physical sense.  My feet shuffling across the floor
had built up enough static to give us both one hell of a shock.

     Brian jumped and shook his hand rapidly back and forth.  "Ow!"

     I grinned.  "Let's try this again," I said, running my hand across the
wooden end table to make sure that the charge was spent.  I held my hand
out to him and he placed his in mine, wrapping the fingers around my own.

     "That's better," he laughed, squeezing gently and pulling me to him.
He wrapped his arms around me, resting his hands together in the small of
my back.  Putting my hands around his neck, I sighed and rested my head on
his shoulder, running my lips over the smooth skin at the base of his neck.

     "Sure is," I agreed.  "What is all of this?"

     "You wanted romantic," he said into my ear.  "You got it."

     "Thank you," I whispered softly.  I pulled away from him and looked at
him critically.  He was also wearing chinos, but he had on a white t-shirt
with his midnight blue silk shirt buttoned over top of it, and black dress
shoes.  "But I feel underdressed now," I laughed.

     "Well I think I can fix that," he said, releasing me and stepping
back.  "You look more comfortable anyway."  He bent down and pulled off his
shoes and socks, tossing them in the general direction of the bedroom door,
and then unbuttoned his shirt.  Once it was unbuttoned, he untucked it and
removed it, placing it on the back of a nearby chair.  Pulling off his
t-shirt, he threw that in the general direction of his shoes and socks,
then put the silk shirt back on, leaving it undone as mine was.  "How's
this?" he asked, holding his arms out and spinning for my inspection.

     "Sexy as hell," I said, walking to him and putting my hands on his
waist, under the shirt.

     "Really?" he said lasciviously.  "I hadn't noticed."

     "Sure you didn't," I laughed.  "You hungry?"

     "Absolutely," he answered, kissing the base of my jaw.

     "That's not what I meant," I said, laughing again.  "Where's the
food?"

     "Right here," he said, spinning in my arms and taking it from the
table.  "I got us some wine too," he said, handing me the bottle and two
glasses.

     "Are you trying to get me drunk, sir?" I asked with a grin.

     "You bet," he laughed.  "Now lets sit down."

     I grinned and stepped onto the cloth that Brian had set down on the
floor.  Carefully avoiding upsetting any candles, I sat down and rested my
back against the couch as Brian stepped closer, holding a pizza tray on a
pedestal and two plates.

     He sat beside me and we were soon sitting with our legs splayed out in
front of us, the pizza resting between us.  Brian pulled a slice free and
set it on a plate, passing it to me before getting one for himself.

     I picked up the bottle of wine and poured us each a glass, laughing
quietly.

     "What's so funny?" Brian asked, relaxing beside me.

     "All of this," I said with a smile.  "Who would have thought that a
pizza dinner could be romantic?"

     "Well, when you're in love, anything can be romantic," he whispered,
leaning over and kissing my cheek.  "And I'm definitely in love."

     "Really?  I thought this was just a cheap fling," I laughed, earning a
nudge in the ribs that almost made me spill my wine.

     "To us," Brian said, raising his own glass.  "To what has been, what
is, and what will be.  To the love we share, and that which we have yet to
discover."

     "I'll drink to that," I smiled, clinking my glass with his and
bringing it to my lips.  Soon the smooth, silky liquid was slipping down my
throat, creating a wonderful heat in my chest.  "Mmmmm, this is nice," I
said, looking at my reflection in the glass.

     Brian took a sip of his own wine and agreed.  "I asked them to send up
the best they had," he explained.  "I don't know a thing about wine."

     "Me neither.  Tell the truth, I don't generally care for it.  But this
stuff is pretty good."  I took another sip before setting my glass aside,
trying to balance it properly on the soft carpet beside me, and picked up
my plate.

     The first thing that I noticed was the extraordinary amount of cheese
on the pizza.  Remembering Brian's fondness for cheese, I smiled and
brought the slice to my mouth, trying to take a bite without making a mess.
"Think you got enough cheese?" I asked him.

     "You can never have enough," he laughed, taking his knife and fork and
cutting a bite-sized piece of pizza and popping it into his mouth.

     "You are not going to actually eat pizza with a knife and fork," I
said, watching him cut another piece.

     "Sure am," he laughed.  "This way there's no mess."

     "But the very basis of pizza is the mess," I argued.  "That's one of
the beautiful things about it.  It's big finger food."

     "Why don't you eat it your way, and let me eat it mine?" Brian
grinned.  "Because your way is the wrong way," I muttered, taking another
bite.

     "What was that, sweetie?"

     "Oh nothing," I smiled.  "Nothing at all."

     "Thought so," he grinned.

     We ate for a minute in silence, then Brian spoke again.

     "Do you ever wonder what would happen if people found out about us?"
he asked as he pulled another slice of pizza off of the tray and set in on
it with his knife.

     "Worry more than wonder, I guess," I said.  "Why?"

     "Just thinking," he replied.  "I mean, I've worried about it too, but
never really stopped to think about what it would be like.  Long term, I
mean."

     "I'm not following."

     "Well, of course there would be the initial reaction from the media
and the fans, but what about after that died down?  Do you really think
that people would stop listening to our CD's?  Would the whole group suffer
just because of me and you?"

     "I don't really know, Bri," I said, putting my plate down and really
thinking about it.  "I would think that you'd lose some fans.  There are
bound to be people who would feel lied to, as well as those who were
disappointed that they would never get to be Mrs. Brian Littrell."

     "Yeah, but I wonder how many of them would be like that, and how many
would just accept it and remain fans."

     I shrugged.  "It doesn't seem to have been much of a big deal for that
guy," I scratched my head, trying to think of his name.  "You know the one
I'm talking about.  He came out a while ago.  He's in that European group."

     "Stephen Gately," Brian supplied.

     "That's him," I said.  "He came out, and there was a bit of media
coverage, then things seem to have returned to normal.  Gotta admire his
courage."

     Brian nodded.  "Yeah.  I don't know if I could ever just come out with
it like that.  He took a risk and it paid off for him."

     "So there's at least some hope that it would work that way for us," I
said.

     "I don't know about that.  The market and the fans are completely
different in Europe and in North America.  They react differently to
things.  There's no guarantee that my coming out wouldn't be a disaster."

     "Well one thing's for certain," I said, trying to lighten the mood.

     "What's that?"

     "Your gay following would certainly pick up," I laughed.  "Imagine all
those guys out there who suddenly realised that they *could* be Mrs. Brian
Littrell."

     Brian snorted laughter and put his hand on my shoulder.  "That
position is taken, I think," he said, looking into my eyes.

     "Damn right it is," I grinned.  "But seriously, what brought on this
line of thinking?  You planning on coming out?"

     "No, nothing like that.  I just got to wondering, after the tabloid
thing with you and Nick, what it would be like if one of us did tell the
world that we're gay.  No big surprise announcements planned from me," he
laughed.

     "Well if you ever do decide to do it, I'll be right there with you," I
said, leaning over and kissing him.

     "I know," he mumbled against my lips before I felt his tongue licking
at my lips.

     We kissed for a few minutes, then sat back up.  I looked at my plate
and saw just the crust left from my last slice.  I groaned and pushed the
plate away.  "That's all for me, I think."

     Brian smiled and stabbed the last piece of his own pizza with his
fork.  He grinned and brought the fork to my lips.

     "Did you not hear me?" I laughed.  "I'm done."

     "One last bite," he said, poking my lip with the end of his fork.

     I smiled and pulled my head away from his fork.  "I think not," I
laughed.

     Brian moved the fork to my mouth again, but tipped it a little as he
did so, causing the piece of pizza to fall off of the fork.  It fell,
landing on my chest and rolling down to rest on my stomach leaving a trail
of tomato sauce.

     "Good thing this shirt's unbuttoned," I said, looking at the mess of
crust and cheese sitting on my belly.  "But look at the mess you made."

     Brian leaned over and picked up the pizza with his fingers, and
brought them to my lips, shoving the food in and then using his thumb and
forefinger to close my mouth again, smudging more sauce across my face.

     "I thought you said the mess was the beauty of eating pizza."

     "Not when it's on me, it isn't," I smiled.  "Look at me."

     "I am," Brian said seductively.  He slid down on the blanket a little
and brought his lips to my stomach.

     "Brian what are you... oooh," I cut myself off as I felt him start to
lick at my skin.  The roughness of his tongue on my stomach felt wonderful
as it flicked back and forth, cleaning up the tomato sauce.

     Brian started to moan quietly as he worked his mouth up my stomach and
chest, licking me clean.  His slight stubble was tickling me, and I
couldn't stop from squirming a little bit.  The combination of the tickling
and the roughness of his tongue was intoxicating.

     Brian's mouth came to rest in the hollow of my neck, where his tongue
continued to flick against my skin.  I moaned and placed my hands on the
back of his head, guiding his mouth to my own.  His tongue entered my mouth
and started to explore.

     His breath tasted of pizza, but since mine did as well, I barely
noticed.  What I did notice, though, was Brian's hands coming to rest on my
waist, running around behind me and pulling me up from my sitting position
a little.

     Brian broke the kiss and looked me up and down critically.  "There,"
he said.  "No mess.  Well except for here," he said, kissing the mark that
his thumb had left on my jaw.  "And here," he moved his mouth to cover the
similar mark on my chin from his finger.  "There, now you're all clean."

     "What would I do without you?" I laughed.  "My human napkin.  Of
course, it was you who made the mess in the first place."

     "Minor detail," Brian whispered, kissing me again.  He moved himself
so that he was sitting in my lap, his legs to either side of mine, and
pulled me to him forcefully, surprising me with his roughness.

     "Brian," I mumbled against his lips as his hands roamed across my
back.  He didn't answer and continued to explore my mouth with his tongue,
effectively silencing me.

     Deciding to enjoy it, I returned his kiss, wrapping my arms around
him.  I was just beginning to really get into it when I felt him start to
grind himself against me.  Surprised, I broke the kiss, causing Brian to
move his mouth to the base of my neck.

     "What the hell's gotten into you?" I asked with a laugh.

     "What are you talking about?" he panted into my ear.

     "You're coming on a little strong, Brian," I said, exhaling loudly as
his tongue flicked across the back of my ear.  "It's not like you."

     "I want you," he whispered.  "What's wrong with that?"  He continued
his assault on my ear and he hadn't even slowed down his grinding hips.

     "Nothing, I guess," I answered him.  "But I don't think..."

     "Don't think," he said.  "Just feel."  With that, he again glued his
lips to my own, pushing his tongue past mine.  His hands moved to my belt
and started to slowly undo it.

     Pulling my head away from his for a moment, I looked him in the eyes,
and didn't like what I saw there.  It took me a few seconds to place what
was there, actually, because I had never seen Brian direct it at me.  It
wasn't love.  It couldn't even rightly be classified as lust.  Both of
those I had seen in his eyes before.  This was purpose, intent, and it left
me feeling very unsettled.

     "I can feel just fine, thank you," I said as he ground his hardness
into mine again.  I put my hands on his shoulders and pushed him away from
me again, meaning to ask him what was going on.

     "Don't tell me you don't want to," Brian said, grabbing crudely at my
crotch.  "I can see how you feel."

     I couldn't believe that this was the same sweet man who had thought to
create a picnic in the middle of our hotel room just to give me a little
romance.  I had to suppress the urge to throw him off of me for his daring.
"No, Brian, you can't," I said, slapping his hand aside.  "You're seeing my
basic biological reaction to being rubbed against.  If you could see how I
feel, you'd stop this now."

     It was as though he hadn't heard me.  "Just get into it, Nate," he
said, trying to lean in to kiss me again.  "Come on."

     "Brian, I said stop it."

     "What's wrong with you?" he asked, still trying to move against me.

     "Maybe I don't like being treated like some piece of meat by my
boyfriend," I answered.  "What happened to waiting until we're both ready?"

     "I'm ready."

     "Well I'm not.  Not for this, anyway.  What, did you just expect to
jump me right in the living room?"

     "Don't be so dramatic," he said.  "I just want to be with you." His
hand returned to my crotch and started to rub gently.

     "Stop it!" I said loudly, slapping his hand away again.  This time, I
gave into the urge and pushed Brian off of me, quickly getting to my feet.
Brian fell backward, landing on his hands, looking up at me.

     "What the hell Nate!" he said, and I could see the anger filling his
features.  "What's your problem?"

     "I was just about to ask you the same thing," I answered, fighting my
own anger.  "What the hell has gotten into you tonight, I said this wasn't
going to happen!"

     "What's so wrong about me wanting to make love to you?" he asked,
getting to his feet.  He started to take my hand, but I pulled it away and
walked a few steps away from him.

     "There's nothing wrong with it, Brian, but you could have taken a
little more appropriate path.  What were you thinking?"

     "I wasn't thinking anything," he said.  "I just wanted to be with
you."

     I knew that he was lying.  I had seen his mind working while we were
kissing.  There was more to this than he was telling me.  "Well that wasn't
the way to go about it," I said.

     "Why are you so angry?"

     "Because we were sitting here enjoying a very romantic moment, and
then you suddenly started grabbing at me like some kind of horny teenager.
Because we agreed to wait until we were both ready, and we haven't even
talked about sex since then.  What made you think that I'd suddenly respond
to that?" I asked, pointing to the area in front of the couch.

     Brian mumbled something, and I saw hurt and anger both flash in his
eyes before he lowered them to the floor.

     "What did you say?"

     "I said I didn't think we were talking anymore!" he spit out.  "I
didn't think you wanted to open up to me anymore."

     "What the hell are you talking about?"

     "You have Nick to talk to now.  I just wanted to know that I still had
some role in this relationship," he said.

     "That's what this is about?  You're jealous of my friendship with
Nick?"

     "It's more than that and you know it!" he said, looking up at me
again.  "You'll tell him things about yourself that you won't tell anyone
else.  Not even me.  And there's something else that the two of you aren't
telling me.  I know there is!"

     "Brian, we've been over this.  I'm not going to argue with you about
it.  I'll tell you when I'm ready and able to.  Did you really think that
this stunt of yours was going to get me to do it?"

     "I thought that this would help you see how much I love you," he
wailed.  "And let you know that you can tell me anything."

     "You picked a hell of a way to make me feel safe with you," I said.
"I can't believe that you would take something as special as our first time
together and use it to trick me into telling you something."

     "That wasn't what I was trying to do..." he started.

     "That's exactly what you were trying to do.  I told you I couldn't
talk about it again right now.  You were trying to get me to do it anyway."

     "I just wanted to make you feel safe," he said.  "I couldn't think of
any other way to do it."

     "If you were listening to me, you'd know that my inability to talk
about this has nothing to do with feeling safe with you.  I love you,
Brian.  I don't know how many times I can say it before you believe it.
All you accomplished tonight was to make me feel cheap."

     Brian's head flew up and he looked at me questioningly.

     "You took something special and tried to use it against me.  That's
not something I would have expected from you, and it makes me seriously
wonder how much I mean to you."

     "Nate..."

     "No, I'm done with this," I interrupted him.  "I'm going to go for a
walk and clear my head."  I started to button my shirt and walked to the
door.

     "You're just going to leave me?" he asked softly, almost so quietly
that I didn't hear him.

     Looking back at him, I could see the tears starting on his face, but
my own hurt and anger was more than a match for my compassion.  "I'm not
leaving you," I said.  "I love you, Brian.  I just don't particularly like
you at the moment."  I opened the door and stepped out into the hall.

     "Nate," Brian called as the door clicked shut.  I steeled myself
against going back in and started to walk toward the elevators.

     I didn't know where I was going, but I had to get away from everything
for a while.  Stepping into the elevator, I realised that my options were
pretty limited, given that I was still barefoot.  I briefly considered
going back to the room for some footwear, then decided against it.  I
sighed to myself as the doors slid closed and felt the first of my tears
fall along with the car.


     Arriving in the lobby, I quickly spotted a chair in a secluded portion
of the room.  It was opposite the front door, away from the main flow of
traffic, and I would almost certainly be guaranteed privacy.

     Walking across the tiled floor, I got a few stares from other patrons,
mostly because of the constant flow of tears on my face.  I tried to stop
them from falling, at least until I was away from most of the people, and
put a half-smile on my face.

     I dropped into the chair and looked around the room.  No one was
looking directly at me, and most of the people entering the hotel didn't
even notice me sitting there.  With a sigh, I sank back into the seat and
thought about what had happened.

     I had seen a completely new side of Brian.  He was like a whole
different person.  It wasn't the aggressiveness of his actions that was the
problem.  Love, and certainly lust, could have accounted for that.  Lord
knows it was hard for me to keep from jumping him a lot of the time.  It
was the deliberateness of it.  That was what hurt the most.

     Brian hadn't been overcome with emotion over dinner.  He had tried to
use my feelings against me, and that was something that I would never have
expected from him.

     "Excuse me, sir?" I heard a female voice say, breaking my train of
thought.  So much for privacy.  I raised my head a little and faced her.

     "Yes?"

     "I was just wondering if you were okay," she said softly.  She was a
very pretty woman, about thirty, with close-cropped dark hair.  She looked
vaguely familiar, but I had no idea if we had ever met before.  She gave me
a compassionate smile then spoke again.  "I was sitting over there and I
noticed you get off of the elevators.  You looked upset.  Is there anything
I can do?"

     For a split second I almost told her.  Then, remembering how dangerous
that could be, I simply tried to return her smile.  "That's very kind of
you, but I don't think so.  I'll be fine in a little while.  I'm just a
little disappointed in someone very close to me."

     "I understand," she said, nodding slightly.  "I'm sorry if I bothered
you.  I just couldn't stand to see someone upset like that without trying
to help."

     "You're very sweet to worry," I said, my smile becoming a little more
genuine.  "And of course you didn't bother me.  It was very nice to meet
you..." I trailed off at the end, waiting for her to fill in her name.

     "Veronica," she said, sticking her hand out.

     "Nice to meet you, Veronica," I said, putting my hand in hers.  "I'm
Nate."

     "Are you sure you're okay, Nate?" she asked.

     "I'll be fine," I said, giving her another smile.  "I just need to
sort a few things out in my head."

     "Okay then, I'll leave you alone to do that," she said.  "Maybe I'll
see you around again."

     "Maybe," I said.  "I'll be here for a few days."

     Veronica smiled again and left me, moving quickly to a seat near the
elevators.  I watched her move off and sit down, then turned my attention
to the floor in front of me, hanging my head in my hands and trying to make
sense of all that had happened.


     I was still doing this when I felt a light tap on my shoulder.
Looking up with a sigh, wiping the stray tears from my face, I expected to
see Veronica again.  "Look, Veronica, I really..."  I stopped in
mid-sentence when I saw Nick and Kevin standing there instead.

     "What happened?" Kevin said, sitting beside me on the small
couch. "And where's Brian?"

     "Yeah, I thought you two were going to have dinner together," Nick
said, sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of us.

     "Oh we had dinner," I said.  "It was the dessert that got us into
trouble."

     "Is this something we should be talking about down here?" Kevin asked,
looking around to see if there was anyone within eavesdropping range.

     "No, I guess it's not," I agreed.

     "Then let's go upstairs and see if we can find Brian," Nick said,
standing again.

     "No," I said, sitting still.  "I don't want to see him right now."

     "Okay, then let's go to my room and we'll talk about it.  Can't have
you two fighting," Kevin laughed, then stopped when I didn't so much as
smile.  "Come on," he said, helping me up off of the couch.  The three of
us started for the elevators.

     Veronica looked up from her paper as we passed by.  "See you later,
Nate.  Hope things are looking up," she said, giving the three of us a
smile.

     "They're getting there, Veronica," I smiled back.  "Nice meeting you."

     She waved as we stepped onto the elevator.  Nick started looking at me
as soon as the doors were closed.  "Who was that?" he asked.

     "Veronica," I said with a laugh.  "She came over earlier to see if I
was okay."

     "What did you tell her?" Kevin asked.

     "I told her that my boyfriend the pop superstar and I were having a
fight, Kevin.  What do you think I told her?" I snapped, immediately
feeling sorry for it as I saw Kevin's eyes widen.  "Look, I'm sorry.  I'm
just a little on edge.  I told her that I would be fine, and thanked her
for her concern.  That's all."

     "Shit, you two must have really gotten into it," Nick said.  I just
nodded.

     "Okay, we'll go to my room, then, and see what we can do about it,"
Kevin said, taking charge.

     "Where were you guys?" I asked.

     "What do you mean?"

     "Well I assume you weren't just wandering around the lobby.  You must
have been coming back from somewhere."

     "Oh," Nick said.  "We went and got Chinese for dinner.  Since you and
Brian were eating alone, the rest of us kinda split up too.  We saw you
sitting there when we got back.  If you hadn't been dressed in white, we
probably would have walked right on by."

     We stepped out of the elevator and into the hall.  Brian was sitting
outside of our door, waiting for me to return.  "Nate," he said, getting to
his feet.  "We have to talk."

     "I can't talk to you right now, Brian," I said, stepping away from
him.

     "Please?"

     "Brian," Kevin said, stepping forward and between us.  "Whatever went
on tonight, Nate needs a little time to get over it.  You've got to give
him that."

     "Kev..."

     "Just give it some time," Kevin insisted.  "You two will work things
out later, okay?"

     Brian looked from Kevin to me, then nodded.  "I love him," he
whispered to Kevin.

     "I know you do, Brian.  So does he."

     Brian nodded again and let himself into the room.  "Are we still going
out tonight?"

     Kevin looked to me, wondering the same thing, no doubt.  "Yes," I
said.  "We're still going out."

     "Okay then," Kevin said.  "You go get ready Brian, and we'll see where
things stand then."

     Brian turned, giving me one last look, then stepped inside our room
and closed the door.

     Nick let out a deep breath and we continued down the hall to Kevin's
room.  We stopped for a moment while Kevin fumbled with his keys, and I
looked back at the door to our room.  I could feel Brian watching us
through the peep-hole in the door, and looked away quickly as a tear formed
in my eye.

     Kevin finally opened the door, and ushered Nick and I inside.  "Does
anyone want a drink?" he asked, motioning for us to sit down on the couch.

     "Rum and Coke," I said, flopping into the seat.  I noticed Nick and
Kevin exchange a glance, then both shrugged and Kevin set about making my
drink.

     "Now what's going on?" he said, setting my glass in front of me and
handing Nick a bottle of water.

     "I'm not sure, anymore," I said, gulping down my drink.  I drank half
of it, then set it aside again.

     "Well what happened tonight?" Nick said.  "Last we heard, Brian was
going to have a nice dinner with you.  Then we find you crying in the lobby
and Brian sitting in the hall.  What happened?" he asked again.

     So I told them.  It took a lot of telling, because apparently both
Brian and Nick had refrained from filling the rest of the guys in on what
had happened between Nick and I.  I had to stop my explanation of the
night's events in order to go back and bring Kevin up to speed.

     By the time I was done, I had long finished my drink, but Kevin
refused to make me another one.

     "So Brian thought that if he could get you to sleep with him..." Nick
said.

     "That I would then feel like I was able to tell him what I told you."

     "That's some messed up logic," Kevin said.  "Why is this bothering him
so much?"

     "He thinks I don't trust him," I said.  "He thought that tonight would
make me see that I could."

     "But it did the opposite," Nick concluded.

     "Pretty much, yeah," I agreed.

     "And you can't tell him what you told Nick?" Kevin asked tentatively.

     "I'd tell him in a minute," I said.  "If I thought I could do it
again.  It's not like Nick and I talk about it.  I told him the once, and
then could barely pull myself together again.  I don't want that to happen
again."

     "You should have seen him, Kev," Nick said, looking at me worriedly.
"He was almost totally unresponsive.  He scared the shit out of me."

     "Then telling him is out of the question," Kevin said.  "We've just
got to make him see that."

     "That's not the main problem right now, though, is it Nate?" Nick
asked.

     "No," I agreed.  "I feel cheap.  It hurts that Brian doesn't think
enough of me to want to make our first time special."  I could feel the
tears rolling down my cheeks, but made no move to wipe them away.  "I just
don't know where I stand with him anymore."

     "Oh Nate," Kevin said, sitting beside me and pulling me into a hug.
"He loves you.  He's just a little hurt himself right now.  Remember that
this is his first relationship too.  He's trying to find his way.  He just
stumbled a little tonight."

     "He stumbled a lot, Kevin," I said, hugging him back.  "But I know
you're right.  We'll get through this, but I'm going to need a little while
to get the image out of my mind."

     "Okay," Nick said.  "Why don't I go and check on him, and make sure
that he's alright.  While I'm there, I'll grab some clothes for you to wear
tonight, and you can get ready here."

     "Thanks Nick," I said, giving him a hug as well.  "I don't think I can
handle being alone with him right now."

     "No problem," Nick smiled.  "I'll be right back."  He jumped up from
his chair and walked to the door, disappearing into the hall.

     "Christ he's stupid," Kevin said, relaxing into his seat a bit more.
"What was he thinking?"

     "Careful Kev," I said, smiling a little.  "You're talking about the
man I love."

     "No, I'm talking about my cousin.  The man you love was nowhere to be
seen tonight," he argued.  "I can't believe he tried something like that.
No wonder you're mad."

     I nodded a little and closed my eyes.  Nothing like emotional upheaval
to wreak havoc on your energy reserves.

     "And how come no one told me about what happened the other night?
Don't you think I should know if one of you is found crying in a ball in
the shower?"

     "Um... not really," I laughed, opening my eyes.  "If I had been able
to avoid it, I wouldn't have told Brian about it.  But since I was sleeping
in Nick's clothes, there wasn't a way around it."

     "But you're okay now?"

     "I'm getting there, I guess.  I didn't think it would affect me the
way it did.  I was planning on telling Brian before too long, but now I'm
not sure if I can."

     "It's really that bad?"

     "Some of it is pretty bad.  There are some good, happier parts to it,
but yeah, most of it isn't good," I said, looking at him.

     "You'll tell it when you're ready, in your own way," he comforted me.
"I have to admit that I'm curious, though."

     "Oh yeah, I know how to build suspense alright," I grinned.

     Nick returned a few minutes later with some clothes for me.  "He's
really hurting," I heard him whisper to Kevin after putting the clothes
beside me on the couch.

     "Join the club," I said, loud enough for them both to hear me.

     "Sorry," Nick apologised.  "But he's really sorry about what he did,
Nate.  He's over there crying.  I had to actually push him toward the
shower before he's start getting ready to go out."

     "I know he's sorry Nick," I tried to explain.  "But that doesn't make
me feel any better about what he did."

     "I know," Nick said quickly.  "I just thought you'd want to know what
was going on in his head."

     "It was thinking that I knew that that got us into this mess," I
mumbled to myself, looking through the clothes that Nick had brought.
"Where's the colour?" I asked, looking up at Nick.

     "You wear too much green," he laughed.  "So tonight, you're going in
black."

     "Oh yeah, that's such a festive colour," I laughed, picking out a pair
of black pants and a black t-shirt.  Just to be defiant, I also took a grey
vest from the pile and folded the clothes together.  "Can I use your
shower, Kevin?"

     "Sure," he said.  "We've got enough time for us both to use it.  Go
ahead."

     I thanked him and headed for the bathroom.  Placing my clothes on the
vanity, I took a clean towel from the rack and hung it on the hook outside
of the shower stall.

     I quickly stripped down and stepped inside, directly under the spray,
and let it wash away the tension, as well as all signs of my tears.

     About fifteen minutes later, I emerged from the bathroom feeling
refreshed and quite dashing in the clothes that Nick had brought me.  I had
tried something a little different with my hair, since it was getting a
little shaggy for my normal style, and was pleased with the results.

     Kevin whistled at me as I walked back out into the main room.  I
grinned and spun for him, then plopped down on the couch.  "Where's Nick?"

     "Getting ready," Kevin answered.  "He's going to check on Brian and
make sure that he's ready."

     "Okay," I said, looking away a little.  "Thanks for everything Kevin.
I know that he's your cousin, and I didn't mean to make you take sides in
this."

     "Nate," Kevin smiled.  "I think Brian did something stupid, and I
think you're justified in being hurt.  As long as the two of you get past
this, I won't be forced to take sides and kick your asses."

     "Thanks for the warning," I laughed.

     "At least it explains something," Kevin said, more to himself than to
me.

     "What's that?"

     "Well, Brian was really preoccupied today at the photo shoot.  I guess
he was just worried about you."

     "What do you mean by preoccupied?" I asked.

     "He took forever to get finished with his shots, and the ones that
they finally did get weren't all that good.  And then he disappeared a few
times."

     "He called me a couple of times, and then called Andrea to get her to
call and make sure that I was alright."

     Kevin nodded.  "I figured he was talking to you.  But he seemed
distracted all afternoon.  His part of the shoot took twice as long as the
rest of us because he couldn't keep his mind on what he was doing.  I was
actually starting to worry that he might be sick or something."

     "Just worried," Nick said, coming in and startling us both.  "I knew
what was going on, but I didn't think it was my place to fill the rest of
the guys in on it."

     "Thanks, Nick," I said.

     He waved it off and sat down with us.

     "Well now that you're here to keep Nate company," Kevin smiled,
standing up.  "I'm going to go and get ready myself."

     "Nice 'do," Nick said, pointing to my head as Kevin closed the door to
his bedroom.

     I put my hand to my head and smiled.  "Thanks.  It was getting a
little too long to look good the usual way.  I have to get it cut."

     "You should leave it like that for awhile," he suggested.  "Go for a
little different look."

     "Maybe," I said.  "We'll have to see what everyone else thinks."

     "Everyone else?" Nick chuckled.

     "Okay, we'll have to see what Brian thinks.  Happy?"

     "How long are you going to avoid him like this?" Nick said.

     "Until I feel better," I said simply.  "He really hurt me tonight,
Nick."

     "I know he did," he conceded.  "But you can't work through it if
you're not talking to him."

     "I'll talk to him later," I said.  "We're all going to the club.  It's
going to be kind of hard to talk in there."

     "Then after?"

     "Don't push, Nick," I said.

     He put his hands up in front of him.  "Okay, fine.  Just know that
we're all here to help if we can, alright?"

     "Alright," I said, grabbing the remote and turning the TV on.  I
flipped through the channels, finding nothing worth watching, until Kevin
rejoined us, also dressed in black.

     "Looking good," I said, seeing him.  He smiled and came the rest of
the way into the room.

     "So what were you two talking about?" he asked, sitting down and
taking a drink of his water.

     "What do you think?" Nick said sarcastically.

     "That's what I figured," Kevin smiled.  "Any conclusions?"

     "Brian's an ass, and Nate's slowly getting over it," Nick joked,
making me smile.

     "You two are too much," I laughed.

     "Just trying to ease the tension," Nick smiled.  "Now how about we
head out?"

     Kevin and I nodded our agreement as the three of us stood up.


     Within ten minutes, we were assembled in the hall.  AJ and Howie had
returned from dinner shortly before, and were all dressed and ready for a
night on the town.  Brian came out of our room, making sure not to stand
too close to me, but obviously not wanting to be too far away either.

     I noticed both AJ and Howie looking at us, wondering what was going
on, but Nick nudged them both and I saw him mouth the words 'I'll tell you
later,' to which they both nodded briefly.

     Kevin pushed the button for the elevator, and we waited for the car.
The tension was palpable, and I could feel four sets of eyes on Brian and
I, waiting for one of us to make the first move.

     Before either or us could bend under the pressure, the doors opened
and we herded inside.  I felt Brian's hand brush my own, but he made no
move to take it, and I sighed to myself.  Apparently, he was going to
honour my request for space and let me come to him.  I gave him a brief
smile in thanks as the doors opened and we entered the lobby.

     Veronica was gone from her seat, as I expected she would be.  Kevin
went to make sure that the limo was ready while the rest of us took seats
and waited.  AJ, Nick and Howie took the chairs, leaving the small love
seat for Brian and I.

     I stole a quick glance at Brian and noticed how good he looked.  He
was wearing almost the same thing as I was, though he had a grey t-shirt
and a black vest.  Nick caught me looking, and I noticed a slight smile
come to his lips.  I gave him a disapproving look, but couldn't maintain it
and finally smiled in return.

     Kevin came back to the sitting area and told us that the limo was
pulling up front.  Standing, we followed him across the almost-empty lobby
and out onto the front steps of the hotel.

     There were no fans waiting for us, so there was no need to run to the
car.  It pulled up and we casually walked down the steps and to the door,
which the doorman was holding open for us.

     I took a moment before getting into the car to smell the air.  It had
the heavy quality that I associated with storms, and I could tell that we
were in for rain.  There weren't any clouds in the sky yet, but we were in
for it nonetheless.

     "Smell something funny?" AJ said, sticking his head out of the door
again.

     "Yeah," I grinned.  "I thought you said you showered."

     "Get in the car, funny guy," AJ laughed, disappearing again and making
room for me to get in.

     I slid into the car, noting that once again the guys had left room for
me to sit beside Brian.  He smiled apologetically and shifted a little so I
could sit down.

     AJ looked at us and was about to ask what was going on when Nick poked
him in the ribs and whispered something in his ear.  He looked at us again,
then looked away and nodded.  Nick stopped talking and sat back up
straight, looking out the window as we rode.

     "So where are we going?" I asked, trying to break the tension inside
the car.

     "A place called the Tempest," Howie said.  "It's supposed to be the
best club in town."

     "Sounds cool," I said, and we lapsed into another round of
uncomfortable silence.

     I turned my head and looked out at the passing city.  I saw my
reflection in the window, as well as that of all of the others in the car.
They were all looking at me

     "You guys can stop staring," I said, and noticed the ghostly images in
the window turn away again with a round of quiet apologies.  I went back to
concentrating on the buildings that were passing by as we travelled through
the dark streets.  I hadn't had time to go exploring Santa Fe since we had
arrived, and I was quickly lost, but it was still a beautiful city.

     "We're here," Brian said softly as the car came to a stop.  I glanced
around as everyone got out, and followed them.

     There was a mob of people waiting to get into the club, but Kevin
skipped in front of them and went straight to the doorman.  "Any chance of
getting in tonight?" he asked, giving the guy a big smile.

     He glanced at Kevin's ID, and his eyes grew as he noted the name.
"Yes sir, Mr. Richardson.  How many in your party?"

     "Just us six," Kevin said motioning to the rest of us.  A murmur
started among the crowd waiting to get in once they heard Kevin's last name
and spotted the rest of us.

     "Go right in," the man at the door said, motioning us through the
doors.  He waited until we were into the club before he let anyone else in,
avoiding our being pestered by people before we could get in and settled.

     "Who's up for dancing?" AJ yelled above the music, running out into
the crowd and quickly finding a girl to dance with.  Howie smiled and
followed him.  Nick laughed and started to dance in place, then grabbed
Brian's hand and dragged him out onto the dancefloor as well.

     "You coming?" Kevin asked, looking at me.

     "Nah," I said, waving him on.  "I think I'm just going to sit for a
while."

     "You sure?"

     I nodded and indicated an empty table off to the side of the room.
"I'll be over there if you need me."

     Kevin looked at me for a minute and then nodded his agreement and ran
out to join the others.  It didn't take long for them to all find girls who
wanted to dance with them.  Brian didn't seem to be too interested in it,
but the girl who had latched onto him didn't seem to notice.  She was just
happy to actually be within touching distance of a Backstreet Boy.

     I weaved in and out of the crowd, thanking the deities again for my
virtual anonymity, and sat down at the table I had indicated.  Within a few
minutes, a waitress came by and I ordered another rum and Coke, which she
slipped off to get for me.

     The DJ managed to avoid announcing our presence to the room, so they
guys weren't pressured into singing or dancing to any of their songs.  As a
matter of fact, the DJ appeared to be avoiding their material altogether,
which I was sure they appreciated.

     About an hour after we got to the club, Nick came running over to the
table and dropped into the chair beside me.  I was still nursing my drink,
having discovered that I really wasn't in the mood to get drunk after all.
I had instead gone through three glasses of water.

     "How you doing?" Nick smiled.

     It was still quite loud, so instead of answering, I made the universal
'so-so' gesture with my hand, rocking it back and forth for him.  "What
about you?" I yelled.

     "This place has a great DJ!" he said above the din.  "He's not even
drawing attention to us."

     "I noticed!  Thought that would make you happy."

     Nick smiled and pulled my glass out of my hand, downing it in one
gulp.  I laughed and pulled the empty glass away from him.  "Get your own!"

     "Can't.  They won't serve me.  Apparently I'm not as impressive as I
thought I was."

     I laughed again.  "I could have told you that," I said, looking into
my empty glass.  "At least one of us got some use out of it."

     "You seen Brian anywhere?" Nick asked.  "He was dancing beside me, but
I don't see him out there."  Nick swept the dancefloor with his eyes, then
shrugged.  "Probably off moping somewhere."

     "Haven't seen him," I said.  "Did you try to talk to him?"

     "I tried," Nick sighed.  "Apparently he's kinda pissed at me too."

     "Why's that?"

     "Because you talk to me, I guess," he said.  "He wasn't happy when he
saw you and I go into Kevin's room tonight, and he bitched me out a little
when I went to check on him.  I didn't know he was so jealous."

     I nodded.  "I did.  I'm sorry all of this is coming between you guys."

     "Don't worry about it," Nick said comfortingly.  "He'll get over it
eventually.  Just give him a little time."

     I sighed and ordered both another glass of water and another rum and
Coke.  Nick smiled to himself as she walked away to get my drinks.

     We sat for a few minutes in silence.  Silence from us, that is.  There
was more than enough noise coming from the speakers.  The waitress returned
a few minutes later with the drinks that I had ordered, and I paid her,
giving a nice tip.  She gave me a smile and wandered off to another table.

     I caught Nick's arm as he was reaching for the rum and Coke and held
it for a moment.  "This is it, little man," I laughed.  I'm not buying you
any more tonight."

     "Please Nate?"

     "That's it.  I'm not going to be responsible for you getting
plastered."

     Nick looked at me for another minute, then downed the drink with a
smile.  "I'm sure I can find someone else nice enough to buy me a drink,"
he said, standing up.

     "Just be careful," I warned him.  "The DJ may not have announced it,
but just about everyone here knows who you are."

     "Okay, I'll see you later," Nick called, running back out onto the
dance floor.

     I sighed and settled back into my seat again, watching the crowd of
people dancing.

     "Excuse me."

     I jumped a little at the voice from behind me, then turned to find a
well-dressed man of about 25 looking down at me.

     "Yes?" I asked with a smile.

     "I was just wondering if you would care to dance," he said, returning
the smile.  "I'm David."

     "Excuse me?" I asked, a little surprised.

     "Oh," he said, blushing a little.  "You are Nathaniel Healy, aren't
you?"

     I smiled again.  While I had been out of the closet for quite a while,
it was still strange to have a man ask me to dance.  Especially while I was
sitting in a 'straight' bar.

     "Yes, I am," I said, offering my hand, which he immediately shook.
"But I'm afraid I'm not in the mood to dance tonight.  Would you like to
have a seat instead?"

     "Sure," he said, taking the seat I had pointed to.  "How come you're
not in the mood to dance?  If I may be so bold as to ask, that is."

     "Just a really long day," I said, smiling.  "But the guys wanted to go
out, and I haven't really had the time to spend with them lately, so I
tagged along."

     "So you really are on tour with them, eh?"

     "Excuse me?"  I asked, not sure if I had heard him right.

     "I said, so you really are on tour with them?"

     "No, that's not what I meant," I laughed.  "Did you just say eh?"

     He smiled and nodded proudly.  "Yeah," he said.  "Born and raised in
Halifax."

     "That's cool," I said.  It was always nice to run into another
Canadian while you were out of the country.  Something I'm sure any other
Canadian could attest to.  "I'm from Toronto."

     "I know," he laughed.  "My mom's a big fan of your book.  It took my
forever to convince her that someone my age wrote it.  I finally had to
print out the bio from your publisher's web page."

     "That's flattering, I guess," I said with a smile.  "So what are you
doing here?"

     "I'm a chemical engineer," he said.  "I work for a company just
outside of Santa Fe.  They offered me the job right out of school, and I
couldn't turn it down.  I miss home, though."

     "I can imagine," I said.  I looked up away from David for a minute and
caught Kevin staring at us.  I smiled and waved to him, motioning him over
to us.  He made his way through the crowd and materialised beside me,
opposite David.  "This is David!" I yelled, introducing them.  "He's a
fellow Canuck!"

     Kevin smiled and shook hands with David, before kneeling down to talk
directly into my ear.  "Is everything okay?  What does this guy want?"

     I turned my head so that I was talking into Kevin's ear. "He wanted to
dance, but we're just talking.  Don't worry about it.  You might want to
try and locate Brian, though.  Nick's lost track of him."

     "Nick's lost track of a lot of things," Kevin said angrily.  "If I
find out who'd been buying him drinks, I'll kick their ass!"

     I blushed a little, but smiled anyway.  "He's fine, just a little
loose.  Can you try and find Brian, though?  I'm starting to get a little
worried about him."

     Kevin nodded his agreement, then said his goodbye to David as well,
and turned into the crowd again.

     "Are they all here?" David asked me.

     "Yeah.  Nick was here just before you came over.  AJ and Howie are out
there somewhere," I said, indicating the mob of people in front of us.
"And I'm not sure where Brian's run off to."

     "Nick's my favourite," David said, blushing.

     "He's pretty cute," I agreed with a laugh.

     "So are you really dating him?" David asked.

     "No," I laughed again.  "I'm really not dating him.  Never have, never
will."

     David sighed dramatically and then laughed.  "Guess there's no sense
in dreaming, eh?"

     I grinned and shrugged in answer.  "The chances would be pretty small,
even if he was interested."

     "Yeah," he agreed.  He was about to say something else when a group of
people emerged from the throng and stood behind him.

     "David!" a girl yelled, getting his attention.  "We're going to
leave!"

     "Okay!" he agreed, standing.  He introduced me to all of his friends,
but I didn't catch any of the names.  One of the girls may have been named
Star, but I'm not sure.  "It was nice to meet you," he said above the
music, holding out his hand again.  I stood and shook it.

     "You too!"

     He gave me another smile and then his friends pulled him back out onto
the dance floor on their way to the door.

     I sat back down and sipped at my water, which was quickly becoming
warm.  I spotted AJ for a moment, with three different girls dancing with
him, but then he was swallowed by the masses again and I lost track of him.
I sat for a few minutes like that, trying to find my friends among the
people, when Kevin appeared at my side again.

     "Found him," he said.

     "Where is he?" I asked.

     "This is the second level of the bar," Kevin said, pointing to a set
of stairs.  "Those take you down to the basement, which is set up for small
groups to sit and talk rather than dancing.  He's down there, sitting by
himself."

     "Thanks, Kev.  Maybe I'll go and talk to him in a while."

     "Alright," Kevin smiled.  "I'm going to go and try to find Nick and
make sure that he's not getting into trouble."

     I laughed and waved as he went off in search again.  Before I had lost
sight of him, Howie passed him and made his way to the table.  Sitting
down, he flagged down the waitress and ordered another drink.

     "Nick told me what happened," he said to me when she had brought it to
him.

     I just nodded and wondered to myself what Howie would have to say
about the situation.

     "Where is he?"

     "Kevin found him downstairs, sitting by himself," I said.

     "You going to get him?"

     I shrugged.

     "Listen, Nate.  I know that I'm about the last person you would expect
to hear this from, but I think you should go and talk things out with him.
He's hurting, you're hurting, and after all that you two have been through,
you really should be together."

     I just looked at him for a moment.  "You're right.  You're the last
person that I would expect to say that.  How much did Nick tell you?"

     "Just what happened after you two had dinner tonight.  He said that
there was more to tell, but that it would take too long and that it wasn't
really his place to tell me about it."

     I nodded.  "He's a good lad."

     "I know I haven't been as supportive of you and Brian as I could have
been," Howie said.  "But you're obviously in love.  Go and talk to him,
Nate.  He needs you as much as you need him, and being apart is obviously
hurting both of you.  Trust me, I know Brian.  After what he did, he's not
going to make a move until you do.  He'll just sit there and cry."

     "I know, Howie, but it hurts, you know?"

     "I understand that, but hurting the two of you even more by avoiding
him isn't going to make it any better, is it?  Just think about it, Nate.
You belong together."  Howie finished his drink and stood up, preparing to
rejoin the throng.

     "Thanks Howie," I said, grabbing his arm for a moment.

     "No problem," he smiled.  "I'll see you in a while."  Howie waited for
an opening in the crowd and then disappeared through it.

     "He's right, you know," I said out loud to myself.  "I know he is,
but... but nothing.  He's right.  That's the bottom line.  So do I go and
talk to Brian?  Yeah, I think I do.  You know, I'm talking to myself
entirely too often," I finished my conversation with myself and laughed.
Downing the rest of my glass, I stood from the table.

     I stopped at the bar and got two glasses of water, then headed toward
the stairs that Kevin had directed me to.  The sound diminished greatly as
I descended, and I figured that the basement level must have been
soundproofed, with the only music coming down the stairway.

     Reaching the bottom of the stairs, I took a moment to get used to the
change in light level.  The main floor was lit with different fluorescent
and neon lights, giving it a garish-yet-strangely-fascinating look.  The
lower level was lit with the occasional hanging light, which left much of
the area in a gloomy half-darkness.  I could see furniture arranged in
several different areas, providing sections to the room for groups to sit
and talk when they weren't dancing.

     Wandering around, I noticed that it was all but deserted down there.
There were a couple of people playing pool in the corner, but that was it.
I had almost decided that Brian must have left when I spotted him sitting
in the darkest corner of the room.  In his dark clothes, he was almost
invisible.

     I watched him for a few moments, noting the downcast expression on his
face.  "No," I whispered to myself quietly.  "I can't do this yet."
Instead of stepping out into the light, I backed slowly into the shadows
behind me, keeping my eye on Brian to make sure he didn't look up and see
me standing there.  I wiped a single tear from my cheek and turned back to
the stairs.

     After the relative silence of the lower level, the main floor was
absolutely deafening.  I headed to the dance floor, but didn't see any of
the guys there.  I glanced to the side and noticed all four of them sitting
at the table that I had been at earlier.

     I slowly made my way through the dancing people to the table and sat
down.  "Hey guys!" I yelled.

     "Hey Nate!" Nick said with a goofy grin on his face.  It was obvious
that he had found someone other than me to buy him something to drink.

     "You ready to go?" I asked them.  "I hate to be a spoiled sport, but
I'm about done in!"

     The four of them looked at me carefully for a moment, obviously
disappointed that I still wasn't with Brian.  "Yeah," AJ said.  "Let's go.
I'll go and get Brian and meet you at the door."

     I nodded and smiled my thanks to him.  Standing from the table, we
manoeuvred our way to the door again and waited for AJ and Brian to join
us.  Once they had returned, Brian still looking morosely at his feet, we
walked out into the night.  The smell of rain was even heavier than before,
and there were a few clouds, but still no actual precipitation.

     The man at the door thanked us for coming, and Kevin flagged the limo
driver, who pulled the car around.  Getting in, we heard several of the
people still waiting to get inside exchange comments about who the group
was, and they started to get excited, even though we were leaving.

     I sat back in the seat with a sigh and Brian sat down beside me
without looking directly at me as the door shut.  The rest of the guys
looked at us sadly, but no one spoke.

     The tension in the car was thick, until Nick suddenly started to
giggle uncontrollably.  We just looked at him, watching as the tears
started to roll down his face.  He couldn't even explain to us what it was
that he found so funny.

     "I wish I knew who was buying your drinks," Kevin said, smacking him
in the shoulder.

     Nick laughed and pointed directly at me.

     "You little fink!" I said, kicking him.

     "Nate?" Kevin asked, looking at me.  "What were you thinking?"

     "Hey, I only bought him one," I protested.  "He stole the other one
right outta my hands.  I told him that was all I was providing.  He was
still basically sober when he left me."

     "So who else?" Kevin asked Nick.

     "I dunno," he slurred.  "Some girl at the bar.  She was really nice."

     "I'll bet," Kevin said, looking at him disapprovingly.

     "You know, you're kinda cute when you're upset," Nick said, reaching
out and pinching Kevin's cheeks.

     'Oh shit,' I thought to myself.  'Don't say anything else Nick.
You'll never forgive yourself.'  Reaching over, I pulled on Nick's pantleg
to get his attention.  "So you were picking up at the bar?" I laughed,
trying to make him lose his train of thought.

     "Nah, not really," he said slowly.  "But she didn't seem to mind
buying the drinks, so I hung out with her for a while.  Then Kevvy here
came and busted me."

     "Poor baby," Howie laughed.

     "Pbpbpbpbpbpt!" Nick stuck his tongue out and gave Howie a raspberry,
covering his arm with spittle, and making the rest of us laugh.

     The limo pulled up outside of our hotel again, and Brian and I took
Nick by the arms and helped him out of the car.

     The ride up in the elevator was a quick one, and we were soon standing
outside of our rooms.  Kevin made sure that Brian and I had Nick, then
excused himself after saying goodnight.  Howie and AJ quickly followed suit
and disappeared into their rooms.
    "Let's get him inside and then get to bed," Brian said, taking his key
out and unlocking the door.

     "Brian?"

     "Yeah?"

     "I think it would be best if you stayed in here with Nick tonight."

     "No," he started to protest, then gave up and nodded his agreement
sadly.

     "Brian," I explained.  "I'm trying to get over this, but I'm not there
yet.  I want to take tonight to think a few things through.  Please just
give me the time?"

     "Okay, I guess," Brian said dejectedly.  "Let's just get him inside."

     "Alright," I agreed.  I took Nick by the arm again and led him inside,
pausing to turn on the light so I wouldn't stumble over anything.

     The room was a disaster area.  Nick had clothes and his bedding spread
all over the room.  Brian sighed and pushed some things off of the bed that
Nick had been using, and I settled him onto it.  He was already practically
asleep.

     "We can just leave him dressed," Brian said, swinging Nick's feet up
onto the bed.

     "No," I said.  "He got me dressed and into bed the other night.  I can
at least return the favour."

     Brian nodded and helped me get Nick undressed.  He removed Nick's
shoes and socks while I pulled off his shirt.  Then Brian removed his pants
and pulled the covers up over him.  Nick belched a little and rolled over.

     "He's such a charmer, isn't he?" I said, laughing a little.

     "He's a good friend," Brian sighed, looking at him.

     "That he is, and you owe him an apology."

     "I know," he smiled briefly.  "I'll talk to him in the morning."

     "Okay then.  I guess I should be saying goodnight."

     "Are you sure about this?" Brian asked, coming to stand in front of
me.  "I don't think I can sleep without you there."

     "I was thinking the same thing, Brian, but I need this.  Please
understand."

     "I don't understand, but that's okay.  If you need time, you can have
it.  Just promise you'll come back to me."

     "I'll do my best," I said softly.  "Goodnight."  I leaned in and
kissed him once, on the temple.

     "Goodnight," Brian said, looking at me sadly.  "I love you."

     "I love you too," I said, turning and opening the door.

     I turned and walked to the door of our room, reaching into my pocket
and pulling out the room key.  Opening the door, I flicked on the lights
and looked around.  Brian had cleaned up the room, moving the furniture
back to its usual place.  The candles and red checked cloth were sitting
neatly on the table, and there was no sign of the pizza or the wine.

     Walking further into the room, I sighed as I thought about what had
happened here earlier.  My eyes fixed on the table and I walked over to it,
picking up one of the candles.  Turning it over in my hand, I remembered
the surprise I had felt when I had opened the door earlier to find Brian
smoothing out the table cloth on the floor.

     Anger and hurt flared up in me again as I remembered how the evening
had gone so wrong so fast, and I dropped the candle to the table again.  It
hit at an angle and rolled off of the end, landing on the floor with a
muffled thump, but I didn't bother picking it up again.

     Instead, I turned my back on the room and headed for the bedroom,
which was also immaculately neat.  I started stripping off my clothes, and
walked around to Brian's side of the bed.  Pulling back the covers, I took
a moment to run my hand over the sheets, wondering if things could go back
to the way they were before.

     "They will," I whispered to the room, and knew that I was right.  My
faith in our relationship was shaken, but far from shattered.  With a
little time, we could get back to where we were.  At least, that was what I
told myself.

     Still feeling confused and frightened, but at least a little more sure
of things, I slid into the bed and lay my head down on the pillow,
expecting to find the smell of Brian's cologne.

     Not smelling it, I was puzzled for a minute until I remembered that I
had stolen it earlier.  Smiling at my own stupidity, I pulled back the
covers on my side of the bed and grabbed Brian's pillow.  Rather than
exchange it for the one I had, I simply pulled it to me, inhaling deeply
and holding it as I would Brian if he were there.

     Relaxing a little, I closed my eyes and let sleep take me.

     For all of half-an-hour.  I jumped up out of the bed, with a scream
locked behind my lips, and backed up to the wall of the room, looking
around frantically.

     Hugging myself for comfort, I found my upper body entirely covered in
sweat, and I was trembling slightly.  Taking a deep breath and letting it
out again, I relaxed a little as I started to recognise my surroundings.

     Crouching down, I landed on the soft carpet and put my arms around my
knees.  "Why can't you leave me alone?" I whispered.  "Just leave me
alone."

     I sat there for a few minutes, waiting for my heart to slow down to
something resembling a normal pace, and fought the urge to cry.  Instead, I
gathered myself and stood, walking toward the bathroom to clean myself up.

     Flicking on the light, I winced a little and felt my way to the
mirror.  Forcing my eyes to open again, I checked my reflection and winced
again.  My eyes were too large for my head, it seemed, and I forced them to
relax and regain some sense of normalcy.  My hair was damp with sweat and I
put my hand to my forehead, finding it cold and clammy.

     Sighing, I ran some cold water onto a cloth and washed my face, wiping
away the sweat, and with it, the nervousness.  I ran my fingers through my
hair, wiping it out of my eyes, and checked the mirror again.  'Better, but
not by a lot,' I decided, grabbing a robe from the back of the door.  I
turned the lights out again and walked back out into the bedroom.

     Looking wistfully at the bed, I knew there was no way I was going to
go back to sleep anytime soon.  Turning, I decided to spend some time on
the balcony until I felt sleepy.  I got to the door to the main room and
found my way blocked by a pillow.

     "I must have thrown it," I said quietly.  I've found that if you're
going to talk to yourself, it's best to do it quietly.  Picking up the
pillow, I was about to toss it back on the bed when I again caught the
scent of Brian.

     A sudden image flooded my mind of Brian holding his hand out to me and
my pushing him away from me.  "He was there.  He was in my dream," I
whispered.  But what did that mean?  It had been the same dream as before,
I was sure of that.  But had Brian been there all along, or was he there
tonight because of what had happened earlier?  I searched my mind for an
answer, and again I came up with the image of pushing him away.  'No,' I
thought to myself.  'He was there all along.'

     "Shit!" I said loudly, throwing the pillow against the far wall and
watching it slide down to the floor where I had been sitting not long ago.
I threw open the bedroom door and walked back out to the main room, heading
straight for the mini-bar.

     Opening it, my hand reached for the little bottles of liquor, but I
checked the impulse.  If I was going to figure this out, and I was
determined to, I was going to need a clear head.  Taking a bottle of water
instead, I closed the fridge again and headed for the balcony.

     The night air was a little cool, and I pulled the soft hotel robe
tighter around me as I leaned against the railing and looked out at the
city below.  There were no crowds, given the time, and the entire city
looked to be sleeping.  A few cars, mainly cabs by the look of them, were
milling about, but the city was about as silent as it's possible for cities
to be.

     I sighed and spun the cap off of the bottle, taking a long drink from
it.  Sitting down in one of the lounge chairs, I put my head in my hands
and tried to think of something to do.  My gaze was caught as a flash of
lightning flared across the sky.  Another flashed in the distance, behind a
tall building, and I had an idea.

     Latching onto it, glad that I finally had some sort of plan, no matter
how vague, I jumped up off of the chair and walked back into the room.
There was a crash of thunder from outside, making me jump, and then I made
my way to the table and picked up the candle that had rolled off earlier.
Turning it in my hand, I felt a smile come to my face and looked back at
the table, searching for matches.

     I found them sitting between two of the other candles and slipped them
into my robe pocket.  Looking around me, my eye fixed on what I needed.  I
picked up a small end table from beside the couch and carried it with me
back to the balcony, setting it down in front of the lounge chair I had
been sitting in.

     The rain had finally started, but it was falling almost straight down,
which kept me from getting wet.  I sat down and took a moment to check the
wind, but the building was blocking most of it.  Pulling out the book of
matches, I struck one and lit the candle, placing it in the centre of the
small table that I had brought with me.

     "When you know the answers are in your head somewhere," I whispered to
myself.  They were the words of the therapist that I had seen following the
death of my parents, when I had been feeling lost and alone.  He had taught
me a relaxation technique that helped me to come to terms with the loss.  I
hadn't tried it since, but I was hopeful that it would help me again now.

     Sitting cross-legged on the chair, I concentrated on the candle flame,
resting my hands on my knees and trying to clear my mind.  I remembered
being afraid at first, thinking that my therapist was going to hypnotise me
or something, but he had assured me that it was just a method to get to
what was going on in my head.

     The flame flickered in what little wind there was, but its gentle
light fell across my face in a somewhat steady fashion.  Feeling my eyes
tire from staring at the flame, I let them lose focus until there were two
distinct images of the candle in front of me, both flickering in unison.
Soon, I felt my eyelids start to droop and I let them close, concentrating
now on the bright afterimage that was imprinted on the inside of my
eyelids.  I let out a deep breath and tried to let my mind wander wherever
it wanted to go.

     Almost immediately, the image of Brian with his hand held out toward
me surfaced.  The look on his face frightened me, and I almost lost my
concentration, but I held on, desperate to find out what it meant.  The
anger on Brian's face I had seen briefly before, but the malice I saw took
my breath away.  As he reached for me, I saw my hands come into view and
push him away from me.

     As he flew backward, he started to move faster until he was only a
blur.  Just before he blinked out of sight in the distance, there was
another blur of movement beside him, and the sound of tearing metal filled
my ears again.

     I gasped and my eyes flew open.  Looking around me, I noticed that the
rain was falling much heavier than before, and the candle had burned down
considerably.  Bringing my heart back under control, I cursed under my
breath.  At least the images were clear now, but I still didn't have any
idea what the rest of the dream was, or what it meant.

     "But that doesn't help with my situation right now," I said to myself.

     With a sigh, I forced my eyes to concentrate on the candle again until
I couldn't hold them open any longer.

     This time, the world stayed black, and there were no images floating
before my eyes.  Instead, I started to hear voices, little bits of
conversations that I had had over the last month and a half.

     At first they were just a jumble of mixed voices, but as I
concentrated on them, some became clear, becoming louder and stronger than
the rest.  I strained to make out what they were saying, hoping that the
answer I was looking for would come out of this.


	"I promise you, though, that I'm going to do everything I can to
get back to okay so that you and I can move ahead, no secrets," I heard
myself say from the darkness.

	Andrea's voice floated into my mind. "You'll know what to do when
you need to do it."

	"I've got to work through this on my own," I heard myself say.

	Carrie was suddenly speaking, almost answering me. "I think you've
got more strength than you give yourself credit for."

	Then suddenly my voice rose once again above the others. "Let me
worry about what I can and can't handle."

	"You can't be everyone's rock, sweetie.ÿ Take some time for
you," Andrea offered immediately.

	"I'll be fine.ÿ I just need some time," I insisted.

	Kevin's voice almost cut me off. "Let it go.ÿ Just get the hell
out of there."

	Finally, there was only one voice speaking, and all the others were
silenced.  In his beautiful southern accent, I heard Brian's voice. "If you
need time, you can have it.ÿ Just promise you'll come back to me."



     I felt myself relax a bit as I listened to the voices.  Though a few
of them hadn't even been directly about the problem I was thinking about at
the moment, I was beginning to see what I had to do.  I smiled to myself
for a moment, then thought about what it was I was about to do and felt the
smile slip from my face.

     I relaxed my concentration and heard/felt the voices losing their
strength and fading into the background again.  Just before I opened my
eyes, I heard one final thought, once again in Brian's voice.

     "Do you get the feeling that things are going to turn out okay after
all?"
     
     "I do now," I said to myself, opening my eyes and leaning forward to
blow out the candle.  "I do now."

     I stood from my chair and looked out at the city again.  The lightning
and thunder were gone, but it was still raining heavily.  Taking a deep
breath, I reached my hand out into the falling rain, watching as the water
puddled in my hand and each new drop sent water splashing across the rest
of my hand.

     I brought both hands together with a clap, sending water flying in all
directions.  Several drops landed on my face, cooling me down a little.  I
sighed deeply and brushed my hands on my robe to dry them.

     Picking up the candle and the table, I walked back into the room and
set them back in their respective places.

     Sitting down at the desk in the room, I pulled a sheet of writing
paper out of my computer bag, removed my favourite pen, and started to
write.

     Dear Brian,

          I'm leaving...

To Be Continued...

Thanks for reading everyone! :) As always, comments are certainly welcome
and appreciated!

~*DLS*~

dls_stories@hotmail.com