Date: Sun, 11 Aug 2002 03:54:03 -0400 From: DLS Subject: The Sun From Both Sides Part 7 Once again, huge thanks need to go out to Karen and Scotty T for reading over what is to come. Thanks also to Drewbie, just for being Drewbie. And of course, thank you to Matt. There are far too many things to thank you for, boo, so I guess just thank you for everything. SHMILY, and Happy Anniversary, sweetie. :) The disclaimer stays the same as always, too: Nothing in this story is meant to in any way represent anything having to do with real life. If you shouldn't be reading this, don't read it. If there's nothing stopping you from reading and you feel like doing so, I hope you enjoy it. I take no responsibility either way. ;) Email is dls_stories@hotmail.com, as always. :) PART 7 "Did you get them?" I asked, closing my suitcase. I was going home. After five weeks in Westvale, I was finally going to get to spend the night in my own bed. No more doctors, nurses, and custodial staff shuffling by my door at all hours; no more antiseptic smell in every breath; no more twiddling my thumbs while I prayed for a visitor, or lunch, or invasive surgery, or anything else to break up the monotony. "Relax," Erron laughed. "I got them. I told you I would." "Where are they?" "In the car. Now would you just hurry the hell up and get ready? I want to get home." "Sweetie, you can't be in as big a hurry as I am." "Nate, it's almost seven o'clock on New Year's Eve. The last place I want to be spending the evening is here. I know we said we would spend it together, but I at least want to do it somewhere comfortable and familiar." I started packing up my computer case and gave him a smile. Erron and I were almost back to normal. There was a little tension there, but we were definitely back on track. It had taken him almost two full weeks to finally come to visit. He had called first, making sure that I was willing to see him, which had almost made me laugh. If there was one of us who had any right to refuse to see the other, it was him. I, of course, had been overjoyed to hear from him, and had started to cry when he had finally walked through the door. That had dissipated some of the awkwardness. Seeing me cry had started his own tears, and we had soon both been bawling. I managed to apologise to him approximately a billion times in the two hours he had stayed with me that first day, and he had finally forgiven me just to shut me up. After that first visit, Erron hadn't missed a day. Every day for at least an hour, he came just to sit. Sometimes we talked about my therapy, and sometimes we talked about why I had tried to kill myself again, and what he had gone through trying to deal with it. Sometimes, we just sat and didn't talk at all. The silences were uncomfortable at first, but then I came to welcome them. Sometimes it's the lulls between conversations that mean the most. "I'm going to frame your letter, I think," he said, pulling my mind back to the present. My hands had continued of their own accord, and my computer was all packed away. "What?" "Your letter?" He was, of course, talking about the letter I had sent him apologising and trying to explain as well as I could what had happened. It had been that letter which gave him the final push to call and ask if he could visit. "I think I'm going to get it framed." "Why on earth would you do that?" "I think it might just be the first time you've ever admitted that you did something wrong and needed help," he giggled, putting my suitcase at the doorway. He picked up a small carrying case and handed it to me so that I could pack up my personal affects. "You're such a bitch," I laughed, taking the bag and opening it. The first thing I added was the box of stationery -- now basically empty after my little letter-writing campaign -- and my pen. I added my toothbrush, deodorant, and all of my other personal things. I was doing my best to wipe any traces of Nathaniel James Healy from the room. "That's what you love about me." "No," I said seriously, sitting down on the bed as I zipped the bag back up. "I love your heart, and I love your soul. Deities help me, I even love that mouth of yours. I just put up with the bitch so that I can have access to the rest of you." He knew I was being serious but, as always, he was uncomfortable with hearing exactly what he meant to someone else. Erron liked to think that he just breezed through life, maybe making someone smile here and there, but not leaving much of a mark behind him. He refused to believe how incredibly special he really was. "What about my ass?" he grinned, defusing the sincere moment. "You gotta love my ass. I've been doing butt-robics for months!" He turned and lifted the back of his sweater to give me a good view of his ass. "Oooh baby!" I laughed, reaching out to pinch him. He jumped and turned around, grinning at me. "What time is it?" I glanced at my wrist immediately, then laughed. "Where do you find stuff like this?" "Only the trendiest places," he assured me with a smile. I continued to look at the watch on my wrist. I had spent Christmas in the hospital, and Erron had somehow managed to get me to agree to let him spend it with me. Brian had wanted to fly up to be with me, but I had refused. Christmas wasn't a time to be in the hospital if you didn't need to be. Brian had tried to argue with me, saying that he didn't want to spend it with his mother, but a phone call had taken care of that. Brian had spent the holiday with Nick and his family in Orlando instead. Nick had informed me that Brian had been subdued, but happy, which made me happy. Erron had been supposed to spend the entire day with Cindy and Jeff, but had changed his plans in order to keep me company. He had stopped over there first thing to drop off his present for Norry, and had stayed for dinner, then come to Westvale. Cindy had sent me a plate, insisting that no matter how good the food was, it wasn't a home-cooked Christmas dinner. I dropped my hand again as I thought about that. Cindy refused to see me still, though it wasn't out of anger. She called everyday to talk, but she couldn't come to the hospital. She shared my aversion to them, though not to the same degree. Erron and I had agreed that she probably didn't want to take the risk of actually showing an emotion. Jeff had been by several times to see me, and to assure me that they were both there for me if I needed them. He had also delivered a note from Cindy, replying to my letter to them. I had probably read it a thousand times, not quite believing that they were both still willing to be there. "Nate?" I looked up quickly. "Eh? Oh, sorry. Spaced out there for a minute." "No kidding. You okay?" "Yeah, just thinking about how lucky I am to have you guys in my life. Glad that I didn't screw everything up beyond repair." "Well, don't try any harder." "Deal." "So can we get out of here?" "Not yet. Dr. Fitzgerald signed off on my release, but Dr. Lauler is supposed to come by and finalize everything." "Well, where is he?" Erron asked impatiently. "What time is it?" I glanced at my watch and again started to laugh. "Stop doing that!" "Didn't mean to that time," he smiled. "Really. What time is it?" "Ten after seven." Erron sighed dramatically and dropped into a chair. "Where the hell is the good doctor?" "Cut him some slack, sweetie. The man's not even supposed to be working tonight. He's coming in solely for the purpose of letting me get out of here for New Years." "Dr. Lauler says he'll be here in ten minutes," Gloria said, strolling in like she owned the place. Gloria was without a doubt my favourite person in the entire building. Always cheery -- but not too cheery -- and willing to give you a smile, she had quickly won a soft spot in my heart. I took every opportunity to let her know it, too. "Aww, you came to see me off?" I asked, reaching out and brushing her jet black hair behind her ear. "How sweet." She laughed and swatted my hand away. "I could have you arrested for sexual harassment, you know." "Ah, but then you'd never get to have your way with me," I grinned. "Last chance to take me right here, Gloria. After tonight, you might never see me again." "You're such a loser," she laughed, pushing me back on the bed. "Normally I'd say you aren't my type, but you're *so* my type. Too bad you're such a queen." Erron started to laugh from his chair and gave Gloria an encouraging thumbs-up. "So my charms have no effect on you?" I asked, gently placing my hand on hers as she rested it on the foot of the bed. "Oh, I'd make you mine in a second," she sighed, patting my cheek. "But somehow, I don't think you'd be up for it," she added, looking pointedly at my groin. "He might be up for it right now," Erron chipped in. "Take it from me, Glor, it's hard to tell." "Hey!" I shouted, throwing my pillow at him. "I'll have you know I haven't received any complaints from --" I cut my words off as I saw Gloria leaning in to catch the name. She knew Brian and I were together. And I knew that she knew. And she knew that I knew that she knew. But his name had never been mentioned in terms of our relationship, and I appreciated it. Brian and I had managed to keep ourselves under tight control during his visits. It wasn't hard when one of the guys was in the room -- they had all been to see me at some point during my stay at Westvale -- but when they decided that they were hungry and left us alone to go searching for sustenance, it got a lot harder. Still, we managed. We kept the lap-sitting to a minimum, as well as the snuggling whenever there was a reasonable chance of someone coming by. But regardless of our attempts, Gloria had almost caught us enough times to have put two and two together. Luckily, we both trusted her to keep it to herself. Non-disclosure agreement or not, Gloria wouldn't tell a soul. Hell, she wouldn't even mention his name like that to me. I knew that it was her way of telling me that she was safe. This time, I just grinned and finished my sentence. "Brian," I said, pointedly, looking her in the eye. Her smile expanded. "Thanks," she said, touching my hand. "I hope you two are very happy." "I'm going to try and make sure we are," I assured her. "And thank you. You're one of the few saving graces that this place has. And you're definitely my favourite one." I leaned over and gave her a gentle kiss on the cheek. "I'm not happy about why you're here, Nate, but I'm really glad I got a chance to get to know you," she said. "You're something special. I hope he knows that." So we were back to 'he'. "He does," Erron assured her, coming over to us. "Don't forget your picture." I mentally smacked myself in the forehead and opened my night stand, taking out the picture of Brian and I that I kept there. It only came out at night, before I went to sleep, or when I was sure that I wouldn't have any surprise guests. Gloria reached out and took it from me. "That's so cute," she grinned, looking at it. "When was this taken?" "Right after our first date," I smiled, looking at it over her shoulder. "AJ took it in the hall of their hotel." "You're a good-looking couple." "Thanks," I said, taking it out of her hands and packing it away before someone surprised us. "Personally, I don't know what he sees in Nate, but everyone's entitled to have bad taste every now and then." "Hey, the patented Nate Healy charm worked on you too, as I recall," I pointed out, cuffing him in the arm. "Like I said," he grinned. "Everyone's entitled." "Fuck you." "You had your chance." "Okay you two," Gloria laughed, pushing us apart a little. "If it's bad taste in men that's your specialty, Erron, you can take a shot at Dr. Fitzgerald." I snickered at the mental image. Gloria had informed me several weeks earlier that the good doctor 'played for my team.' "Word is he just broke up with his boyfriend." "Nah. Nate forbids me to even think about it." "Like I want him in the family," I smiled. My relationship with Dr. Tony Fitzgerald had started out rough and gone downhill from there. Instant dislike wasn't something that I had been very familiar with before landing in Westvale, but I was definitely familiar with it now. And it appeared to be a mutual thing. I was convinced that he was only releasing me to have me out of his hair. "Well, Nate," Dr. Lauler's deep voice spoke from the doorway. It had taken him almost a week of daily sessions to finally get over calling me Nathan, and the reason for the name change had been a session in and of itself. "It looks like you'll be ringing in the New Year in the privacy of your own home." Gloria smiled and made me promise to stop by the nurse's station before I left, then disappeared with a nod to the doctor. "It's about freakin' time," I laughed, shaking his hand. "I really appreciate you coming in just to let me out." "Least I could do," he assured me. He shook hands with Erron as well. They had met several times, and Erron had even sat in on a few of my sessions. Dr. Lauler had wanted to include as many loved ones as he could, since we had completely nixed the idea of group sessions. "I'll give you a call next week about setting up some appointments," he continued, taking his pen out of his pocket. "I want to establish a regular time. I assume that you'll be in town for the next while?" I gave him a quizzical look. "I know that your heart would have you moving around quite a bit," he elaborated. "Oh, yeah, I suppose it would. But I'll be here in Toronto for the forseeable future. I might go down to LA for a week or something to see Andrea and our parents, but I'll be sure to let you know before I go. Other than maybe a couple of days here or there to catch up with the tour, I'll be here." "Good, good." Dr. Lauler flipped through the different pages on his clipboard, signing and initialing where necessary. "Then I guess I'll be talking to you next week." He offered me his hand again. "Thank you for everything," I said, shaking it energetically. "You helped me so much." "You helped yourself," he assured me. "But for the record, I'm proud of you. It's been a hard time, but you've done very well so far. Just keep up your positive attitude, and I think you'll be fine. And remember your friends. You've got a lot of people who care about you, Nate." I smiled at Erron. "I know I do." He had tried to get me to call him Max, but it just hadn't felt right. "Right then, I'll be seeing you at your next session?" "Count on it." "Then goodnight, gentlemen, and Happy New Year." He turned with a smile and disappeared into the hall. "Nice guy," Erron commented, picking up my suitcase. "The best," I agreed as I pulled on my jacket. I picked up my computer bag and my personal items, and followed him to the door. Turning back around to make sure that I wasn't forgetting anything, I found myself lost in thought almost instantly. I was reluctant to actually turn my back on the room, now that the time was here. Five weeks of my life had been spent there, but it seemed like so much more. I had basically relived my life during my therapy, and had experienced as broad a range of emotion as someone can without permanent mental trauma. Always assuming that I didn't *have* any permanent mental trauma. I had relived my life in this room, and now it wasn't mine anymore. While I was overjoyed at the prospect of being back in my own apartment, I found myself a little sad about leaving my temporary home, and wondering if it was possible that a room could hold onto something of its inhabitants. If it would remember me in some way. "Ahem." Erron was beginning to get impatient. "Erron?" I asked, turning to look him in the eye. "What?" "You wanna go home with me tonight?" "Here we are," Erron commented as we stepped off of the elevator. His voice was quite a bit louder than it normally was. I chalked it up to excitement. "Guess so!" I returned, raising my voice as well to mock him. He merely stuck his tongue out and urged me to unlock the door. Putting my key into the lock, I paused and looked back at him. "I really appreciate you staying with me tonight; I know you probably had plans. Thanks for being here." I turned and drew him into a hug. "Anytime, sweetie," he said with a slight laugh as he hugged me back. "Now can we go inside? I know you want me and all, but I have to pee and all this squeezing isn't helping." I laughed and pushed him away again, then finished unlocking the door. Shoving it open with my foot, I picked up my luggage and stepped into a home I hadn't seen in what seemed like forever. A home that was full of people, all yelling 'surprise'. I almost fell back a step looking from one smiling face to another. "Keep going, numbnuts," Erron laughed, pushing me inside. "I wasn't kidding about having to pee." I sort of dropped my things inside the door, still taken aback by the presence of all these people in my home. I was still trying to make sense of it all when Brian stepped out of the crowd and opened his arms. Seeing the expression on my face, he smiled and stepped toward me, drawing me into an embrace. "Happy New Year, Nathaniel," he whispered before kissing my cheek. I went with the first thing my mind supplied. "You're not supposed to be here until tomorrow night." "I'm happy to see you too," he chuckled. "Did you really think that I wouldn't be here when you finally came home?" I pulled away and looked him in the eye. "You're supposed to be spending the night with Nick." "He is," Nick said as he appeared next to me, then pulled me into a bone-crushing hug. He gave me a spin, then set me down again. I looked over his shoulder to see the rest of the guys smiling at me as well. They had all come to see me home. "He may be your boyfriend, but he's my son," Mom said, pushing Brian out of the way playfully and giving me a hug as well, quickly followed by Dad. I hugged them back and started to smile as the magnitude of what was going on hit me. They were all there to welcome me home. New Years was incidental; they were there for me. Wiping a tear from my eye, I smiled back at Mom. "I can't believe you did this." "Don't thank me," she said, indicating Brian. "It was him, Erron and Andy who put everything together." "Speak of the devil," I smiled, seeing her daughter moving up behind her with a grin on her face. Andrea stepped in between her parents and drew me to her with a laugh. "Welcome home!" I smiled and hugged her, determined not to be the first one to let go. It seemed she had the same idea, because the hug lasted for at least a minute. When I felt her arms finally release me, I gave her a kiss on the temple and stepped back. I couldn't think of anything to say. Looking from her smiling face to those of everyone else in the room was overwhelming. "Thanks," I finally managed, slipping my hand into Brian's. He hadn't left my side. "Thank your boyfriend, it was his idea. We just helped put it together." We all turned our smiles on Brian, making him blush. I was about to give him another hug when I was attacked at shin-level. "Uncle Nate!" Looking down, I saw Norry's smiling face staring up at me, and he was raising his arms, wanting me to pick him up. I glanced sharply around the room until my eyes settled on the ones they were seeking. Cindy nodded with a smile. Reaching down, I put my hands under Norry's arms and lifted him up. He threw his arms around me and gave me a hug, which brought the tears on full-force. "Hey, buddy," I whispered, rubbing his back. Brian reached over and wiped my eyes, but it didn't matter. More tears fell to replace the ones he brushed away. He soon gave up trying and started to rub my back comfortingly, much as I was doing to Norry. Norry didn't seem to be in any hurry to end the hug, so I decided I wouldn't be either. I walked with him to his mother as the group by the door dispersed and broke up into smaller bands of people. I leaned in to give her a kiss. "Thanks for coming." "I would have come to the hospital--" I shook my head until she stopped talking, then gave her another kiss. "Doesn't matter." "Don't you ever scare us like that again." She rested a hand on my arm. "That's the plan," I assured her with a smile, then balanced Norry better so that I could shake Jeff's hand. "Nice to see you back here," he commented with a smile. He had his hand resting loosely on Cindy's shoulder. "Nice to be back here. Thanks for everything. Thanks for this," I said, indicating the toddler in my arms. "He missed you." "Me too," Brian whispered softly, then tapped Norry on the shoulder to get his attention. "Hey Norry, how about you and I go and see if we can't find ourselves some chocolate?" Norry practically leapt from my arms into Brian's. Apparently no amount of missing me could overpower the need for chocolate. Brian's grin was from ear to ear as they went off in search of sugar. Cindy smiled. "Norry'll never go to sleep tonight. Maybe we should make Brian babysit to teach him a lesson." "That's what uncles are for," I told them. "We get to spoil the kids, then dump them back off with the parents. You should have thought about that before you decided to be parents." "We'll remember that when you have-" Jeff said, then caught himself. "Oh, sorry." The smile never wavered on my face. I had a feeling that you couldn't have sandblasted it off. "No problem. If it's meant to be, we'll have them someday. If not, I'll just have to work twice as hard at corrupting yours." But he had definitely hit a nerve. "I think you'll do a fine job regardless," he assured me. "I can't wait until he's old enough to spend a few days with his Uncle Nate." "Well, when you've got him completely mess-proof, he's more than welcome," I laughed, then caught movement out of the corner of my eye. Looking past Jeff and Cindy, my eye fell on Carrie, Howie, Kevin and a woman that I assumed was Kristin talking by the patio. Carrie saw me looking and gave me a small wave. "Would you two excuse me for a bit? I suppose I should mingle." They both nodded and I made a beeline for Carrie. I swept her up in a hug before she could get me, making her laugh. "Careful, or I'll have Kevin take a round out of you," she warned when I set her back on the floor. "He's only ever interested in wrestling when I'm half-naked," I laughed, elbowing Kevin in the stomach as he put his arm around me. "Nate, this is Kristin," he smiled, indicating the rather striking woman beside him. "Honey, this is Nate." "So you're the one I've heard so much about," she said, shaking my hand. "These guys hardly shut up about you." "It's all lies," I assured her with a grin. "Oh, I doubt that. I just can't believe that I didn't even know they knew you until a few weeks ago. Now it's practically all I ever hear about." Until Brian and I had gotten back together, none of the guys had mentioned what had happened. As far as she had known, Brian was straight as could be. Though from what I had heard from the rest of them, it hadn't been possible to hide the fact that while loving Leighanne, he hadn't been entirely happy in the marriage. She simply hadn't been told why. She had taken to the idea of Brian and I being a couple quite well by all accounts, and her manner certainly spoke to that. She was very welcoming. "Glad to hear that they haven't forgotten just how incredible I am." Howie laughed and punched me in the shoulder. "And it's nice to see that you're still as modest as ever. Welcome home." "Thanks, Howie. Thanks for coming. I know you had your reservations about Brian and I getting together." "All in the past," he said, shrugging it off. "Brian hasn't been like this since you left. Anything that makes him smile like that can't be all bad. Not even you." "Boy, they don't call you Sweet D for nothing, eh?" I laughed. Carrie reached out and cupped the side of my face in her palm. "How are you doing?" "Good. A bit overwhelmed by all of you being here, but I'm glad you're here. I still can't believe it, though." "New Year's is for being with family," Kevin pointed out, squeezing my shoulder. "Where else would we be?" Howie gave me a pat on the back and nodded. "You look a lot better than the last time I saw you," Carrie said. She had only been to visit once. Her excellent work on my book had made sure that she was kept on her toes. She probably could have come more often, but it would have involved informing the powers that be that I was in the hospital, and neither one of us had wanted to do that. "Well, you happened to come by on a particularly hard day." In truth, she had come to visit on one of the hardest days. My session had been long and emotional, and I had been missing Brian even more than usual. Seeing Carrie knock on the door had started the emotions, and they had almost gotten the better of me before I brought them under control again. "We're all proud of you," Howie said, smiling. "You're a pretty tough guy, you know." I grinned and gave him a brief hug, then shrugged. "I have a couple of reminders of how weak I am, actually," I said, indicating my wrists. "But I appreciate the sentiment." "You standing here is a much bigger reminder of strength," Brian announced, coming up behind me and putting his arm around my waist. I smiled when I turned to look at him. He had Norry cradled in his other arm. Norry's mouth was covered in chocolate, and he was holding a chunk that seemed to be the remainder of Santa's feet in his hands. I winked at him, making him laugh. Reaching out, he offered me a bite, but the trailer of drool that ran from the chocolate to his mouth wasn't all that appealing. "Thanks, buddy, but I think I'll pass." Santa's boots retreated and went back into Norry's mouth. Brian laughed as his hand started to pull on my shirt. I looked over and smiled, then reached behind me and pulled the tail out of my pants, letting him slide his hand underneath and rest it on my back. I probably looked like hell, but I had certainly learned that some things were more important than neatness. "You guys look so cute." Kristin put her hand in Kevin's and smiled at the two of us. "You've got to have kids." I glanced briefly at Kevin's face and found him nodding. "Brian's childish enough right now," I laughed, then felt him pinch me. "But it's something I've always wanted." We talked in our little group for a while, then broke up again. Brian gave me a peck on the cheek, which Norry quickly imitated. I could feel the chocolate marks as he pulled away again, and smiled as everyone laughed. Then Brian took him down the hall to clean him up. I managed to get a moment by myself, standing just outside the kitchen and watching everyone mingle. It was the first time that everyone had been together, that I could recall. I stood and watched them interacting for a few minutes, and experienced an enormous feeling of support and love within the room. I couldn't believe that the scared orphan I was in university had turned into someone with such an incredible family as I saw before me. Before the tears could start, I made my way to the balcony door. No one was out there because of the temperature, so I stepped outside for a few minutes to compose myself. As soon as the door was closed behind me, I started wishing that I had remembered my jacket. Toronto in mid-winter is no place to be without warm clothing. Leaning against the railing and crossing my arms over my chest, I watched everyone through the glass. I noticed Nick and Erron talking animatedly on the couch. Every now and then, one of them would reach over and touch the other on the knee or arm when they were making a point. It seemed very sweet. Though they hadn't gotten together, I knew that they had become close friends since our time at the cabin. My eyes went from them to Mom and Dad, holding hands near the fireplace and talking with Andy. They were smiling and laughing like they hadn't a care in the world. It occurred to me that -- now that I was home again -- it probably felt like they didn't. My heart skipped a beat when I realised that my adopted family was standing directly below the portrait of my parents and I that I had brought home with me from the storage space outside of town. For a brief moment, it seemed incredibly unnatural, and then the feeling dissipated. I thought that my parents would probably have liked Mom and Dad. While Mom and Dad were a lot more outgoing and fun than my parents had been, they would have had enough in common with them to have been able to interact as equals. My father had practically refused to spend time with those he didn't consider equals. It had been one of the things that had frustrated me the most about him. Mother had been much more open-minded about such things, but she always deferred to my father. That had been one of the things that had frustrated me the most about *her*. If my father bothered to give an opinion on something, his was the only one that had mattered. Brian returned from the washroom and set Norry down on the floor. He immediately ran to Jeff and jumped in his lap, talking animatedly. Brian had probably told him a story, and he couldn't wait to relate it to his father. Brian laughed as he watched Norry, then turned back to talk with Andy and our parents as Carrie joined them as well. Kevin, Kristin and AJ were sitting with Jeff and Cindy, and they were all listening to Norry as his arms flew about with the telling of his tale. I smiled at the joy on his face, and said a silent prayer to whatever deities weren't too busy ringing in the New Year that it would never be lost. Innocence had to be lost, to some extent, but I wanted the joy to remain with him. It was watching him that finally got to me. Kids were the ultimate expression of love between two people. Words and actions were wonderful, but to actually produce another life out of your love was something that was beyond description. Having children of my own was a thought that had never been far from my mind throughout my entire adult life. Considering that the idea had been brought up twice since I'd walked through the apartment door, I wasn't surprised to find it suddenly front and centre in my thoughts. While I loved being Uncle Nate, and I was going to make sure to make up for the time that I had lost with Norry, it wasn't the same. I wanted to have one of my own. I always had. Brian and I had talked about it briefly during our time in Memphis, when we had been watching the children play in the park near Matt's house, but it had been more of a general discussion. We both knew that it wasn't going to happen in the near future, if ever. I turned my attention to Brian, who was still chatting with Andy, Mom and Dad by the fireplace. I knew that he loved me, and I knew that he would do anything to show that and make me happy. But there was this one thing that he couldn't do. Aside from the physical problems which, of course, could be overcome, there was the practical problem of his fame. As long as Brian was in the closet, we wouldn't be able to have kids. We couldn't achieve that ultimate symbol of our love for one another. I turned away from the window and took in the city instead, watching my breath as it was blown away by the slight wind. I knew I should be happy with what I had, especially after the stunt I had pulled, and chastised myself for feeling down. There I was with a room full of people who were willing to forgive me and stand by me through apparently anything, and I was complaining about the one thing that I couldn't have. Brian had shown me his love beyond anything I could imagine just in being willing to take me back after what I had done to him, and I was still wanting more. That and the room full of family inside was, I decided, just as much an expression of love as anything else. Maybe more so, since it came from more than that one person. "Hey," I heard from behind me, and felt my jacket settle on my shoulders. I turned to find AJ smiling at me. "What are you doing out here?" I wiped at the one stray tear that had started to fall and put my arms into the jacket and zipped it up. "Freezing my nuts off," I laughed. "Brian won't be happy about that," he grinned, then leaned against the railing beside me. "You okay?" he indicated the leftover wetness on my cheek. I wiped at it again before it could freeze. "Yeah, just thinking too much, as usual. Wondering how I managed to gather such an incredible bunch of people around me, and why they're still there after everything." "Believe it or not, you're pretty incredible yourself. If you forget about the last month and a half or so." "Try year and a half." "Fine, year and a half," he conceded with a shrug. "Doesn't matter. I'm telling you, man. The kind of person that you draw to you is the same kind of person that you are. Look in there." He turned me around to look into the apartment again. "Each of those people in there is just like you in a way. Each of them is different enough to keep things interesting, but they're all connected to different parts of you. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron have the parental thing going, where they share a little bit of each part of you, but none wholly. They're like most parents, giving you bits of themselves when you need them, and trying to make sure that you have what it takes to face what you need to. "Carrie and Kevin share your business-like side. The part that knows when there's a job to do, and does it, but tries to have as much fun as it can while doing it. They know how to have a good time, but they also know that there's a time and a place for it That was part of what made them so good together. I guess it's too early to say what you and Kristin have in common. "Howie, Jeff and Cindy, I would say, are your introspective side. The one that likes to sit back and be inconspicuous. The part that would rather sit off to the edge of a conversation and listen to what other people have to say and what it means than get involved in the discussion themselves. "Nick, Erron and I would probably be your more flashy side. The side that likes to take a bit of risk, and likes to be noticed. Outgoing and fun and more likely to take over a conversation than take part in it. Likely to lose sight of the big picture for a while in order to enjoy living entirely in the moment. "Andrea is you without the penis," he laughed. "You're so alike it's scary. If I didn't know any better, I would say you really were brother and sister. Twins, probably. That's why you're drawn to each other, I think. You recognise the kindred spirit. "It's almost the same thing with Brian, but it's more. You can see it when the two of you look at each other. You're like one person split down the middle. Neither one of you is complete without the other. He shares everything that Andrea does, and the one thing that she can't." My eyes moved to take in each person as he talked about them. When he stopped talking, I looked back to him with a smile. It was the most thoughtful thing I had ever heard him say. I had always wondered what he could come up with if he put his mind to it, and it was nice to finally see the results. His words had struck a chord, fitting nicely with my thoughts before he had appeared with my coat. "Thanks, AJ. That was exactly what I needed to hear." His explanation of how my new family fit together had gone a long way to setting my heart at ease. "Anytime, man. It's good to see you home." "You forgot one person in there, you know." "I didn't forget. As soon as he's old enough, Norry's going to want to be exactly like his Uncle Nate. Who wouldn't? And if he's lucky, he'll manage to be even half the man you are." "I can think of better people to model one's self after," I whispered, not meaning for him to hear me. I rubbed my wrists together without thinking about it. It was a nervous habit that I had developed in the hospital. He heard me anyway. AJ reached out and stopped my arms from moving. "He won't have to deal with everything you have. And if he does, he's going to have you to be there and help him. You're going to know what he needs, and how to give it to him. He's a pretty lucky little guy." "AJ?" "Yeah?" "Give me a hug?" "Sure." AJ wrapped me in a bear hug, actually lifting me off of the ground. I laughed and waited for him to put me down again, then gave him a normal person's version of a hug. "You really should let this part of you out more," I whispered. He was grinning when we parted. "No way. If I do that, Kevin will want me to be more responsible." I laughed and shook my head as I heard the patio door open. Brian came out, zipping up his coat and smiling at us. "What the hell are you two doing standing out here in the cold?" "Nate was trying to freeze his nuts off so that you would leave him alone tonight," AJ grinned, then patted me on the back and headed inside before I could hit him. Brian's smile grew as he came over and put his arm around my waist. "Really, is anything wrong?" "No, not really," I told him. "Just needed a few minutes to get my mind together. Seeing everyone all at once overwhelmed me a little." Brian's face fell a little bit. "I thought it would be nice to have everyone welcome you home." He thought I was complaining about the party. "C'mere." I grabbed the side of his head and kissed him, stroking his temple with my thumb. "I love having everyone here. My mind just got away from me for a minute. Nothing bad, just powerful." "You sure?" "Positive." "What were you thinking about?" "Norry, to start with. It's great having him around again. I hadn't realised how much I missed him until I was holding him." "He's a nice kid. I think he even likes me." I laughed and squeezed him, leaning us both against the railing. "Of course he does. He'd like the boogeyman as long as he was willing to pump him full of chocolate. Jeff and Cindy threatened to make you watch him tonight while he's on his sugar high." Brian grinned. "I can think of worse jobs. Though I'd much rather watch you tonight." I briefly considered bringing up having children with Brian, but since things hadn't changed, there really wasn't a point. There was no way that we could adopt or find a surrogate without someone finding out about it, and that couldn't happen. "I think that can be arranged." I smiled and nuzzled his neck. "Then I just started to think about how much I loved everyone in there, and how much they meant to me. I still can't believe that they're all here." "They love you." "Even love has to have its limits," I said. "And I definitely pushed them." "Yeah, you did. But we're all still with you." "That's what amazes me. I leave you, put everyone around me through hell, push them away as far as I can, then try to leave them forever, and here they are welcoming me home. I don't get it." "Would you be here?" "What?" "If, say, Erron, had done what you did to us all, would you be here to welcome him home?" I hated it when he was right. "If you're going to start making sense, I'm going to have to stop arguing." "Good. Now kiss me again, and let's go inside before neither one of us have any nuts left." I laughed and kissed him, settling my hands on the small of his back and pressing him to me, but with so many clothes on, the physical contact wasn't as close as I wanted. Pulling my head away from his, I made a suggestion. "How about we go inside first?" "Sounds good to me." I took his hand, noticing how warm his fingers were compared to mine, and wondered how long I had been on the patio. He opened the door and slipped out of his jacket while I did the same. As soon as we had them off, he was holding me again, pressing his lips to mine. As my mouth met his, I felt his hands slip under my shirt again and jumped as his cold fingertips reached my bare skin. Knowing how much colder mine were, I followed suit, pulling his shirt up at the back and putting my hands on the small of his back again. Brian jumped and made a noise, but it was muffled by my lips. Breaking the kiss, I instead sucked his bottom lip into my mouth and bit it gently. "Woohoo!" Nick shouted, drawing attention to us. I opened my eyes to see everyone in the room watching us kiss. Pulling back a little and resting my forehead to his, I smiled at him. Brian grinned as well as he could without being able to use his bottom lip, and winked at me. I let his lip go and turned with him to face the room, both of us blushing. I was surprised to see Jeff and Cindy smiling openly at us, rather than being embarrassed at seeing us kiss like I would have expected. After everyone stared at us for a few seconds, they turned their attention back to their conversations. Everyone but Erron and Nick, that is. They were both smiling at us. After a couple of seconds, Nick raised his head a bit to the side, inviting us to go over and sit with them. "Brian?" "What, sweetie?" "Don't let go of my hand," I told him, slipping my fingers around his. "Okay," he agreed with a smile, and we walked toward the couch where Nick and Erron had started talking again. "I pretty much meant ever." "I know." Brian and I spent another couple of hours moving from person to person, making sure to spend time with everyone. The only time he let go of my hand was when he went to get us some food. Andrea had actually cooked, and the dining room table was covered in finger foods and sweets. I wondered how long she had been in town, since the food obviously represented more than an afternoon's work. I also wondered what I was going to have to do to make up for her having to cook. We had managed to work our way around to the couch again when he pulled me to a stop and made me sit down. "Can I say something?" he asked the room. Everyone immediately quieted and gave him their attention. "What are you doing?" I asked, wondering what he had up his sleeve. He didn't answer me. Instead, he addressed the room again. "I know that Nate told us all not to get him anything for Christmas this year." I smiled to myself, knowing that he had anyway. I had made sure to tell everyone not to get me a present, because their still being in my life had been more than present enough. With each of them, I had had to make them swear not to, knowing that unless I did so, they would ignore me. Which, I was sure, was what Brian had done anyway. "But I couldn't resist getting him something." "Don't you think you should wait until later to give it to him?" AJ asked, making everyone laugh. Again, Jeff and Cindy surprised me by laughing along. "Like you wouldn't want to watch anyway," Brian retorted. Nick stepped forward with a wrapped box and handed it to Brian. Brian took it and sat down beside me. "When I saw this, I knew that you had to have it. It's not much, and it doesn't even begin to tell you what you mean to me, but it's a start." Brian handed me the box, which he had apparently wrapped himself. It looked like it had about four rolls of tape on it. Obviously, his talents lay elsewhere. Before I opened it, I gave Erron a look, and saw him disappear. I waited until he came back and gave me a nod before saying anything. "One of these days, you're going to listen to me," I told Brian. "And you might just get a spanking later," I looked pointedly at AJ, who smiled and winked at me, "but thank you." "Open it," he urged, giving me a quick kiss. I searched for a seam that wasn't taped down, or a gap somewhere that I could get a finger under, but couldn't find one. Andy laughed and leaned over the back of the couch. Using one tine of her fork, she lifted a corner of the paper for me, then stood back up again. With a grin, I pulled at the paper and finally started to rip it off of the white box that it was covering. Balling up the paper, I threw it at Norry, who tried to catch it and missed, then started to laugh and chase it around, kicking it away everytime he got close enough to grab it. I laughed for a moment, then pulled open the box and slid the contents out onto my lap. Clearing away the tissue paper, I uncovered my present. "Oh," I said, looking at it. Sitting on my lap was a beautiful wooden letter box. It was stained a chocolate brown colour, and looked to be made of teak. On the front of it, below the small latch lock, was a little brass plate with an inscription on it. Picking it up and looking closer, I read what Brian had had written there. 'The face of all the world is changed, I think, since first I heard the footsteps of thy soul.' I felt the tears start as I read, and tried to blink them back. Looking up at Brian, I saw the joy on his face and pulled him to me. "I love it," I whispered, hugging him. "Thank you." "I promise to fill it with letters, letting you know how much I love you," he said, loud enough for the rest of the room to hear. There was no holding the tears back now, so I let them fall as I kissed Brian for all I was worth. We kept it innocent for the crowd around us, but we both felt the passion and love in it. We continued, lost in our own little world, until Kevin cleared his throat dramatically, making us laugh in embarrassment. "Sorry," I announced, blushing. "I'm not," Brian grinned, stealing another brief kiss. Everyone laughed and started to turn away, thinking that we were done, when Nick called them back, reaching into his pocket. "I have something too." I gave him a look, trying to be stern. "You were under strict orders not to." "No, you said I couldn't get you anything this Christmas. I actually had this already. I was going to give it to you last Christmas, but you... um... weren't there." He winced a little at bringing my leaving up. I sighed, knowing that he had a valid loophole there. Besides, it meant I got another present. "Actually," Nick continued. "It's not just for you, it's for you and Brian." Brian perked up at the notion of getting a present too. Nick smiled and handed him the little jeweler's box that he had taken from his pocket. Brian frowned in confusion, and looked at me. I just shrugged and urged him to open it. Brian opened the box and showed me what was inside. There was a silver infinity sign resting inside, with loops on either end, and chains running through the loops. Brian lifted it out of the box and held it up. It looked like two necklaces attached to one charm. "It's great, Nick, but you do realise that people might talk if we went around joined at the neck, right?" I grinned, wondering what was going on as I took up the second chain, letting the sign dangle between Brian and I. Nick laughed and reached over, grabbing it. He twisted it somehow, and then took his hand away. The sign had split in two, and Brian and I were each left holding part of it. I lifted the chain to look, and found a figure eight dangling there. The charm had split lengthwise, leaving us both with our own symbol. Looking closer at mine, I noticed that one loop was joined to the other in a curve, and there were small nubs along the curve. Looking over at Brian's I saw the same curve only reversed, and little channels cut into it to match up with the nubs on mine. When put together, they would curve around each other and fasten together at the nubs. "It's called an infinity necklace," Nick explained, smiling at the expressions on our faces. "The two separate pieces are to remind you that you're both whole people on your own, but you're also one half of something very special. When the two halves are put together, the symbol represents the eternal nature of your love." "That's so sweet," Andy said, leaning back over the couch to get a better look. "Where did you find it?" Cindy asked as she grabbed Brian's hand to look at his half. "I got them last year in Orlando. When these guys were in Memphis. I was shopping with my mom, and I saw it in the window. Since she doesn't know about Brian and Nate, I had to go back later in the week and pick it up. Once I read the card that came with it, I knew that I had to buy it for them." I found the card that he was talking about, and read it quickly. It basically said the same thing that he had just told us. It added that, once we put them on, the necklaces were only to come off when they could be joined together. So unless we were together, they had to be around our necks. "Thanks, Nick," Brian said, giving him a hug. I quickly followed suit, then reached over and took Brian's from him. I opened the clasp and put it around his neck, fastening it again, then handed him mine so that he could put it on me. He smiled as soon as he got it fastened, and leaned in for another kiss. Nick seemed really pleased with himself, and I made a note to find him something nice to thank him. After all, the rule had been no presents for me. I hadn't said anything about not buying for them. Which brought me to my next order of business. "Does anyone else have any surprises?" I asked the room with a smile. Everyone laughed, and Andy pointed out that most of them knew how to follow orders. Kevin smiled and cleared his throat. "I've got something." I gave him an exasperated look and a smile. "Don't worry," he grinned. "I didn't buy it. It's not even from me, really. He picked up his jacket from the chair it was in and reached into the inside pocket, pulling out an envelope. "Kathy gave me this to give to you. It's from Matt and JC." He leaned over and handed it to me. "I think you might want to wait until you're alone to read it, though." Figuring that it was probably a response to my letter to them, I decided that he was probably right. With a smile, I thanked him and then opened my new letter box to put it inside. Brian grinned when he saw me open it. Inside was another letter, and I recognised Brian's handwriting on the envelope. "Wait until later for that one too," he whispered, slipping his hand into mine. I nodded and placed the letter from Matt and JC into the box, then closed it again and set it carefully on the coffee table. "Anything else?" I asked, looking at everyone. No one said anything. "Good, because I have something." They all groaned. "I couldn't get any shopping done, but I managed to get a couple of things for you," I said to Brian. "Erron helped me get them finished and together." I gave Erron a smile, which he returned as he handed me the two boxes that he had retrieved for me. I handed Brian the bigger of the two. "This one could probably have been better if I'd had more time, but even with the open schedule I've had over the last five weeks, I barely got it finished. I hope you like it, because it's meant just as much to me as I hope it does to you." "If it's from you, I'll love it," Brian assured me, making me smile. I watched nervously as Brian started to rip open the paper. Moving my gaze to Erron, who was sitting across from us beside Nick, I found him smiling and nodding, assuring me that Brian was going to like it. I crossed my fingers, making him chuckle. "Oh my god," Brian said softly, seeing what was in the box. I looked back to him just as he looked up at me. "I told you it was for you," I smiled. "You did it." "Yeah, I did." "Told you you could." "What is it?" Dad asked. Brian lifted the book out of the box and set the box on the floor beside him. Turning the book around for the rest of the room to see, he never took his eyes off of me. "Is that what I think it is?" Carrie asked, looking at me. "Yeah. Yeah, it is," I said with a smile, taking it from Brian and handing it to her. "What is it?" Dad asked again. "It's a manuscript," Carrie told him, looking at the cover, then flipping it open. "'The Critical Exchange,'" she read to the room. "'By Nathaniel Healy.'" "You wrote a book while you were in the hospital?" Howie asked, reading over her shoulder. "No, I finished a book while I was in the hospital. It's a story that I started a long time ago, and started working on again in Memphis when we were there visiting Matt and JC." "How come I didn't know about this?" Carrie asked, flipping through the pages. "Because it's never going to be published," I told her, reaching out and lifting it out of her hands. "Why not?" "Because it's mine," Brian said gently. "He wrote it for me." "And only for him," I added, opening to the dedication page. "'For Brian, who guides me back to the path when I wander from it. Who walks at my side, supporting me when I stumble, carrying me when I'm tired, and loving me no matter where I lead him. "'Know that, even in accepting this gift, you have brought me back to the path once more.'" I handed the manuscript back to Brian. "Erron got it printed and bound for me. I was going to wait until you got here tomorrow night to give it to you, but this seems better." Brian smiled as he leafed through the bundle of papers on his lap. "I can't believe you actually did this." "I couldn't either. Remember that first time we talked about it? When I didn't know whether I could write or not anymore? That's what was on the disk that Andy sent with the rest of the stuff. It took me a few days, but I started to get back into it. Once I realised that it was working, that's what I spent the majority of my time on. It was almost a mixed blessing when you came to visit, because I couldn't work on it." "And you're not going to publish it?" AJ was sitting on the arm of the couch that Erron and Nick were on. "No, I'm not. There's only that one printed copy, and I've got a copy on disk. If anything happens to those, it's going to cease to exist. I wrote it for Brian, and he's going to have the only copy." "Can I read it?" Nick asked with a smile. I almost agreed, then realised that it was out of my hands. It was hard giving something up that had been such a huge part of my life. It had been solely mine for so long that sharing it was going to take some getting used to. "I don't know. It's not mine anymore. If Brian wants to share, he can. If not, that's good too." "I'll think about it," Brian said evilly, clutching the book to his chest protectively. "Stingy bastard," Nick grumbled with a smile. Brian grinned and handed it to Nick, who immediately started to look through it. I cleared my throat for attention again, and handed Brian the other box. "This one is no less from the heart, but I didn't make it. Erron picked it out for me." "You didn't have to get me anything else," Brian said, looking at the box. "I know, but I wanted to." Brian tore the paper off of the second box, then lifted the cover. He took out the compass that I had asked Erron to buy for me and turned it over in his hand before showing it to the room. I took his hand and pulled him into my lap, putting my arms around him. "My mother was very much in love with my father, even though he wasn't always an easy man to love. Sometimes it seemed downright impossible, but she never stopped loving him. No matter how upset she got at him, there was always love in her eyes when they looked at each other. "I asked her one day when I was younger why that was. I didn't understand how love could be so strong and enduring, no matter what happened. And I've never forgotten what she told me. "She said that my father was her soul's compass. That the time that he was away from her made her feel like she was wandering without any direction, until they were together again. She also told me that, if I was lucky, I would know first-hand what she was talking about. That someone would someday mean so much to me that I didn't know where I ended and they began. "I used to sit up at night, wondering if I would ever have that. If there would ever be someone in my life that would mean so much to me that I would be lost without them." I looked Brian in the eye and took his hand. Up to this point, I'd known exactly what I was going to say. I'd gone over it many times in the hospital, wanting to be sure I managed to convey everything the compass represented. "You are my soul's compass," I told him. "I found you and I let you go, and I spent more than a year completely lost and going in circles before you found me again. I don't have the words to describe how much I love you. This was as close as I could come." I tapped the brass cover on the compass. Brian looked at it closely and found the inscription that I had asked Erron to have put on it. 'Heart, mind, body, soul, Guided by the stars above. Given freely, given whole, Given here to you, my love.' "For not knowing what to say," he said, beginning to tear up a little, "you say it pretty well. I love you too, Nate. Never leave me again." I tried to tell him that he didn't have to worry about that, but he stopped me by pulling me into a kiss. My mind considered the people around us for about a millisecond before I answered Brian's kiss with the same intensity. This time no one cleared their throat, and there were no pillows thrown. Everyone waited for us to finish, averting their eyes as much as possible. When we finally came apart, Brian and I were both still leaking a little around the eyes, but we were both smiling as well. "I love you," I said, leaning in to lick his Adam's apple and enjoying the slight shudder it caused. "Enough to have more presents for me?" I laughed and slapped his leg. "Well," I whispered, "I do have something to give you, but it better wait until we're alone." "Oooh," Brian grinned, shifting on my lap. "I can't wait." "Well try," Nick said, obviously having heard us. He dropped a hand on Brian's shoulder and pulled him off of me. "You can have Nate all to yourself later. Right now, you've got to share him." Brian sighed and stood up. Kneeling down, he put my letter box on top of his book, and slipped the compass into the letter box. "I'll put these in our room." Before Brian got back, Norry had claimed his place on my lap. He looked to be coming down off of Brian's chocolate-induced sugar high. Cindy offered to take him, but I told her he was fine right where he was. Instead, Cindy and Jeff sat with me and we talked for a while. I almost asked what had changed so much that they weren't squeamish about Brian and I showing our affection so openly, but decided that why didn't matter. We chatted for about half an hour before Andy announced that it was almost midnight. Looking down, I found Norry fast asleep on my lap, his thumb planted firmly in his mouth. With a smile, I managed to stand up without waking him. "I'll put him in the spare room for now. No sense waking him up if we can help it." "Fine," Jeff agreed. "We'll probably not stay long after midnight anyway. He'll be fine in there. Just leave the door open a bit in case he does wake up. He'll be scared if he doesn't know where he is." I nodded and carried Norry into the spare room. The bed was made, and I assumed that Andy must have been staying in there rather than on the couch or in my room. Laying him down gently, I gave him a kiss on the forehead and pulled a light blanket over him. Brian appeared at my side as soon as I emerged into the living room again. "Don't want you kissing anyone before me at midnight." "Don't worry." I linked my hand with his again and we headed over to talk with Kevin and Kristin. About five minutes later, Mom called our attention to the clock. I glanced down at my watch, and heard Brian snickering. "Where on earth did you get that?" I showed him more clearly. "Where else would I get it?" The watch had been Erron's Christmas present for me. He had had his own grinning face put on the face of the watch. It was the sort of thing that Erron bought knowing that I would wear it just for him, like the bunny slippers. Brian laughed and pulled my arm around, showing it to Kevin, Kristin and Carrie, who got a kick out of it as well. They were still laughing when Mom started the countdown. As we got to five, Brian grabbed me. "I can't wait," he smiled, then pressed his lips to mine. I wasn't about to argue, and wrapped my arms around him and kissed him back. I heard everyone laughing at us until we heard 'Happy New Year!', and then they fell silent. Pulling away from Brian again, I looked to find Kevin and Kristin locked in an embrace as well. "Nate," Brian whispered, then nodded toward the couch. I turned and felt my chin drop to my chest. Nick had Erron's head in his hands and was kissing him for all he was worth. Not that Erron was putting up a fight about it. His arms were around Nick, pressing them tighter together. I grinned. "Whoa, look at those two," Kevin laughed, noticing as well. I was happy to see him being so nonchalant. Nick had told me months ago that he had told the guys that he was bisexual, but I knew that Andy, Mom, Dad, Jeff and Cindy were still in the dark. Each of them were watching the two of them as well. "Wanna trade?" I asked with a grin, spinning to face Kevin and Kristin again and trying to change the subject. I didn't think Nick and Erron particularly wanted us staring at them. Kevin smiled and took the hint. "Sure, though I don't really much want to kiss my cousin." "I was talking to your wife," I laughed, then grabbed his head and planted one on him. Kristin and Brian both started to laugh, then shared a brief kiss as I let Kevin go. He was blushing heavily, but he was smiling. I grinned and gave Kristin a kiss as well, not wanting her to feel left out. She smiled and winked at me, then took Kevin's hand as he just laughed and shook his head at me. Brian and I made the rounds, handing out the kisses. Andy and Carrie had paired up with Howie and AJ, who were both solo as well. But they were perfectly content to get one from me and Brian as well. When we finally made it around to Nick and Erron, I leaned in and winked at Erron. "I can't promise as much heat as Nick, but I do love you." I gave him a kiss, then gave Nick one as well. "I sense a story here that I need to know about." "Let us figure it out, and then we'll tell you. You'll be the first to know," Nick grinned, looking at me briefly, then returning his attention to Erron. "That's all I ask," I laughed. "It's not gossip if you're the first to know." Brian grinned and gave them each a kiss as well, then took my hand as we walked over to the patio door. We didn't step outside again, but stood and looked out over the city. Leaning forward, I let my forehead rest against the cool glass and smiled, thinking about how lucky I was. I exhaled, fogging the glass too much to see through, and leaned back away from it again. Brian reached out and wrote 'I love you' in the condensation, then kissed the hand that he was holding. I smiled and drew him into a hug, content to just hold him for the first few minutes of the new year. Eventually, Cindy and Jeff decided to leave. They retrieved their son, then made the rounds saying goodnight. Brian and I each gave Cindy a kiss and shook Jeff's hand, and thanked them for coming. They, in turn, wished us each a happy new year, and told me how nice it was to have me home again. We made tentative plans to have dinner soon, then they excused themselves. I lasted about fifteen minutes after that before I started to yawn. "Is everyone staying here tonight?" I asked, looking around and wondering where we were going to put them all. "I'm going to stay at Erron's," Nick said, making us all grin. "Me too," Andy said, surprising me. "There's more room, and apparently there's need of a chaperone." She winked at the two of them, and I noticed that they were holding hands. "Erron offered me a bed, too," Carrie announced, picking up her coat. "Then that leaves the spare room for Mom and Dad, one pull-out for Kevin and Kristin, and the second one for AJ and Howie, as long as they don't mind sleeping together," I said, looking around. "Sounds good," Mom said with a yawn. "I think I'm getting too old to be staying up this late." "I know the feeling," I smiled. It had been a long day, and unless I was mistaken, I wasn't going to be going to sleep any time soon, no matter how quickly I got to bed. "Then it's settled," Andy announced, grabbing her jacket. "And we'll be back for breakfast in the morning." I smiled and rolled my eyes. "I'm not cooking." "I'll cook," Dad said. "But that means you'll eat when I say you eat." "Fine, as long as you don't say we eat before at least eleven," Brian laughed, making Dad smile. Andy grabbed Nick, Erron and Carrie, and headed for the door, and AJ and Howie started to move the couches so that they could both be pulled out. It was the first time they would be used since I bought them. I took Kevin by the hand and brought him with me to get some sheets, blankets, pillows and pillowcases. When everyone was situated, Brian and I bid them all a good night and headed to bed. On the way down the hall, I heard AJ extract a promise from Kristin and Kevin that they wouldn't try to 'break in' the couch. They extracted the same promise from AJ and Howie. Brian heard it too, and laughed with me as I closed the door to the bedroom. I slipped off my shirt as soon as the door was closed, and watched Brian as he moved my bags from the bed to the window seat. As much as I hated leaving things packed, I wasn't about to take the time to take care of it at the moment. Brian, it seemed, had other ideas. Unzipping my suitcase, he started to take out my clothes and hang them up in the closet. I noticed that he had already claimed some of the space there, and wondered how long he had been in town as well. Wondering what he was up to, I walked over and put my arms around his waist from behind, effectively stopping his movement. "What's going on?" "Nothing. I just know how much you hate not being unpacked." "That's sweet, but I think for tonight, I'll deal with it," I said softly, pulling his collar to one side so that I could kiss his shoulder. "Right now I have bigger things on my mind. Much bigger," I pressed myself against him and kissed his neck. "Ooh." Brian turned in my arms and moved in to kiss the hollow of my neck. "Sounds good to me." "Thought it might," I laughed, grinding against him gently. "I'm not going to catch you up in the middle of the night unpacking, am I?" "That depends on how much you can tire me out," I told him, pulling his shirt off and taking him in my arms again. "Think you're up to the challenge?" This time it was his turn to press against me. There was no doubt that he was up to it. "It might take me a couple of tries, but I'll do my best." His hands dropped to my belt. "Why, sir, are you trying to get into my pants?" "No, I'm trying to get you out of them." He knelt down and kissed my stomach as he managed to get my belt undone. He quickly unbuttoned them and then pulled them down my legs without bothering with the zipper. I smiled as his hands ran back up my legs, then into my boxers. I kicked my pants off, then stepped on the toes of my socks and managed to pull them off as well. Reaching down, I put my finger under Brian's chin and lifted it, bringing him to his feet again. "Mission accomplished," I told him, then kissed him. When I pulled away, I sat down on the edge of the bed and pulled him to me, burying my face in his stomach. As my tongue entered his navel, I let my hands work at his belt until I felt it come loose. I continued to kiss his stomach as I pulled his pants off of him, and I felt him removing his own socks the way I had a moment before. Grabbing him through his boxers, I squeezed gently. Brian moaned and dropped his hands to the back of my head, running them lovingly through my hair. Keeping my hand where it was, I kissed my way back up his chest and neck, then finally back to his mouth. His lips immediately found mine again, and I sucked his tongue into my mouth. One of his hands remained behind my head, pressing us together firmly at the mouth, while the other dropped down, gently caressing my back, until it found the waistband of my boxers and slipped inside. "I love you," he whispered, breaking our kiss briefly. I kissed him for another moment, then pulled away and removed my hands from his body. He looked at me questioningly, probably wondering if he had said something wrong. I just smiled and stole another brief kiss, then swept him into my arms, eliciting a surprised cry from him. "What are you doing?" "I'm putting you to bed," I said softly, craning my neck for another kiss. Walking around to the side of the bed, I lay him gently down again, then climbed on top of him. I ground my hips against his as I kissed his neck, enjoying the sound of his heavy breathing as he reacted to me. Gently running my hand down his side, I brought it to rest on his thigh, lifting his leg until he got the idea and soon had them both wrapped around me. We kissed for another few minutes, trying to keep the moaning as low as possible so that everyone in the building didn't hear us. Suddenly, Brian's legs uncrossed from around me and he flipped us over. I wound up under him, with him sitting up and straddling my hips. "I do love you," he whispered, brushing my stomach with his hand. "I know you do. I just still can't believe that you're here." "I'm here. And I'm not going anywhere." Falling forward, he caught himself with his hands to either side of my head, then leaned his head forward and gave me a gentle kiss. While it contained some of the passion of the others, I knew that it was meant to reassure me more than to turn me on. It did both. Sliding my legs out to the sides, I knocked his knees out from under him, causing him to drop onto me with his full weight. It knocked the wind out of me a little, but feeling him against me was more than worth it. He laughed and pressed his lips to mine again. I lay with Brian's head on my chest and absent-mindedly ran my fingers through his hair. As intense as our love-making had been, I felt energised rather than drained. There was a part of me that still refused to believe that it was all happening. That, despite myself, I had managed to wind up with Brian after all. I kept glancing down at him, just to make sure that he was still there. His head was lying directly over my heart, and I knew that he could hear it thumping. I wondered if he knew it was going faster than normal just from having him there with me. There was no way I was going to be going to sleep any time soon. Things were finally catching up to me, and were sending my mind in a million directions at once. Brian was back in my life, I had rediscovered my writing, I was surrounded by family who loved me and had stood by me through some of the darkest days of my life. Going down the list of my blessings, I stopped when I got to Erron and Nick. I loved them both very much, and it looked like there might be potential there for a relationship. Nothing would have made me happier than to find out that they were together. Looking down at Brian, I amended that. Almost nothing could make me happier. They both deserved to be as happy as I was in that moment, and I had a feeling that they could do that for each other. They had gotten close during our time at the cabin, though Nick hadn't been ready for anything like a relationship. And I knew that they had remained in contact ever since. I had suspected that that was partly so that Nick, Brian and the rest of the guys could keep track of how I was doing, but I knew now that that wasn't true. Brian and Nick hadn't known how bad off I was until they had shown up at the apartment that day with everyone else. Erron had kept them in the dark, knowing that I didn't want them to know what was going on. Which meant that they had remained in contact purely because they enjoyed each other's company, and had become friends. I could think of no better foundation for a relationship, and I was hoping to hear good news from them in the morning. Brian shifted against me, breaking my train of thought. Well, not breaking it exactly. Just shifting it back to him, which didn't take much convincing. I smiled down at the top of his head and thought once again about how lucky I was to have him. Just when I thought that he was falling asleep and I had resigned myself to sitting up for hours holding him while he slept, he looked up at me. "Sweetie?" "Yes, love?" It was the first time I had felt entirely comfortable enough to call him anything other than Brian since we got back together. I smiled as I realised how easily it had come back into my vocabulary. He must have noticed too, because his smile grew. "You wanna do it again?" Apparently he wasn't as tired as I thought. "Yes, love," I laughed, and pulled him on top of me once more. To Be Continued...