Date: Mon, 30 Sep 2002 05:06:34 -0400 From: DLS Subject: The Sun From Both Sides Part 8 Once again, huge thanks need to go out to Karen and Scotty T for reading over what is to come. Thanks also to Drewbie, just for being Drewbie. And of course, thank you to Matt. There are far too many things to thank you for, boo, so I guess just thank you for everything. SHMILY, sweetie. :) Disclaimer is the same as it ever was. Nothing contained in this story is meant to in any way represent or depict real life. Well, except for the fact that apple butter and bacon sandwiches are the perfect breakfast food. That part is true, but that's it. The rest is all fiction. It is, however, fiction that has a decidedly adult slant to it. If you're not of age or shouldn't be reading this for some reason, please stop reading now. Otherwise, enjoy! PART 8 I woke up lying on my stomach, with my left hand under my pillow and my right hand resting on Brian's stomach as he slept. I took a moment to convince myself that he was really there, and that the night before hadn't been a dream, then slipped out of bed to answer Nature's call. Locating my underwear and a t-shirt, I pulled them on and wandered out into the hall, making sure to close the door behind me. We had kicked off the covers during the night, and Brian was pretty much spread-eagle on the bed, which I decided no one but me needed to see. Flipping on the light in the bathroom and locking myself in, I quickly took care of business, and decided to take the time to brush my teeth while I was up. That way I could complain about Brian's breath when he finally woke. Standing in front of the mirror, I found a huge smile on my face. I tried, but I couldn't stop so I decided it could stay. "Lucky bastard," I told myself, bringing my hand up to brush my hair back off of my forehead. It was definitely time for another cut. Without looking away from my face, I reached out and turned the water on to wash my hands. I moved them under the stream of water, finally looking down to pay attention to what I was doing, and froze. There was a ring on my finger. My left ring finger, to be exact, and it hadn't been there the night before. I lifted my hand again and inspected the ring closely, already knowing where it had come from and fearing what it meant. It looked to be a platinum band, with a celtic knot design running around it. At equal distances around the outside of the ring were four circles, worked into the weave of the knot. Within three of the four circles was a symbol, and the fourth one was blank. The symbols looked very familiar, but it took me a couple of minutes staring at them to think of where I had seen them before. They were runes, though I couldn't remember what they meant. I remembered Brian reading one of my rune books during our stay at the cabin, but I hadn't realised that it had this much of an affect on him. Hopping up on the vanity, I turned the ring around and inspected it closely. The detail was incredible, and I knew that he must have had it specially made for me. Slipping it off of my finger, I inspected the inside of the band, and found a simple leaf pattern running all the way around. It truly was a beautiful ring, but the meaning behind it scared the hell out of me. I tried unsuccessfully to convince myself that it was just a gift, and that there was no higher meaning than to be something nice to make me happy. But I knew that if that were the case, he would have given it to me the night before with the letter box. Especially after I had given him two gifts. He would have felt the natural yet absurd need to 'even the score.' No, there was more to it, and we were going to have to talk about it before anything else happened. If the ring was what I thought it was, we were definitely going to have to talk. Slipping off of the vanity, I headed back to the bedroom, completely forgetting about brushing my teeth. I grabbed a towel on my way out the door to dry my hands, already noticing the way the ring felt underneath the material. I entered the room determined to wake Brian up and talk to him right away, but that determination faltered when I caught sight of him. He had rolled over in his sleep, and was now in what resembled the fetal position, hugging my pillow to him. He had a small, satisfied smile on his face and I watched as he moved his head slightly, nuzzling into the pillow more. Leaning down, I gathered the blankets from the foot of the bed and spread them back over him, deciding that giving him a few more minutes wouldn't hurt anything. And, it would give me a chance to figure out what I was going to say to him. I started for the reading chair in the corner, but made a quick stop at the bookshelves first, pulling down one of my books on runes. I sat in the chair, pulling my feet up under me and spreading my lap quilt over my legs, then started flipping through the book until I came across one of the runes from the ring. It looked like an angular upper-case letter 'P', and the book identified it as WYNN, the rune of joy and balance. According to the book, it signified inner understanding, and a need to bend with the wind rather than against it. It was the symbol of joy and fulfillment through hard work. Well, that made sense. If there was anything that I had been trying to do with the last five weeks of my life it was trying to achieve inner understanding, and it had lead to the fulfillment of being back with Brian. The last sentence on the page caught my attention and I read it several times. It said that the rune signified both a conclusion and a new beginning. That definitely applied to Brian and I. Turning the ring one-quarter turn, I found what appeared to be an upper-case letter 'X'. GEOFU, or 'gift' according to the book when I located it. This one was also obvious in the way that it applied to my relationship with Brian. Associated with Venus, the goddess of love, GEOFU signified the need for peace within one's self and with the rest of the world. It also served as a reminder of the responsibility of love. One must return just as much as one receives in order to retain the balance. I glanced up at the sleeping form with a frown. I wasn't at all sure that I could ever return the love that Brian had shown me. He sighed in his sleep, making me smile again as I watched his mouth move. I did love him, but did he know how much? He had shown me very clearly, but had I done the same? Shaking my head a little, I turned the ring and eyed the blank circle there. Why would he leave one circle blank? Was I supposed to pick out one of my own and add it in order to complete them? I was about to turn the ring again to get to the fourth circle when my brain rolled over, shaking loose a half-memory. Going with the instinct, I flipped through the pages faster, coming to the end of the runes listed. There was a blank one. Left blank, WYRD represented fate, and the message that it conveyed was one of immutable fate, karma, or destiny. The reason Brian had picked it was obvious, but it became more so the further I read. WYRD also represented the blank face that must be worn. It stood for the things that we must keep secret from the rest of the world. If that wasn't a perfect fit for our situation, I didn't know what was. I glanced up quickly as he rolled over on the bed, now facing me. He had obviously put a lot of effort and thought into this. Turning my attention to the fourth and last rune, I found a diamond, or an angular lower-case letter 'o'. It didn't take long for me to find it in the book. It seemed to be one of the more popular ones, and was mentioned often. ING, the rune representing fertility. I frowned a little bit as I read, wondering how fertility would apply to Brian and I, but it soon became clear. According to the book, ING was a rune of completion, signalling the bringing together of two parts to make a whole, and indicated a new child, or simply a new idea or venture. The changes indicated by the occurance of ING in a runecast heralded happiness and fulfillment. One of the last paragraphs grabbed and held my attention. It said that one of the things that was strongly associated with ING was the orgasm, which was defined as 'the little death that plants the seeds of new life.' Aside from the clear reproductive meaning of that, I took my own as I knew Brian had. I had suffered a little death, and come close to making it into a real, palpable, final one. Out of that had come my renewed life with Brian at my side. The very last thing that was mentioned about ING was that the eventual outcome of the venture indicated was shown by the surrounding runes. I certainly hoped that was true. Closing the book, I set it on the table beside my chair and got up again. I took down the other three books on runes and runecasting from the shelf and returned to my seat. I checked the runes in each of the books, looking for other interpretations of their meaning. But, aside from alternate pronunciations and slightly different symbols, they all basically agreed with the first book. Adding those books to the other one, I sighed and sat back in the chair, putting my feet up on the edge of the table and staring out the window, absent-mindedly twisting the ring on my finger. Was it a proposal, or was it just a symbol of the rebirth of our relationship, meant to reassure me and let me know how dedicated to me he was? There was only one person who could answer that. Well, maybe three, but Nick wasn't there, and Kevin was still asleep as well. As I swiveled the chair away from the window, my eye caught a flash of light from the window seat across the room. It was the morning sun, flashing off of the brass latch of the letter box Brian had given me. 'Wait until later for that one too,' Brian had said when I found the letter inside of the box. I wondered if this was the later he had been talking about. I had been about to finally wake him up, but instead I passed by the bed and moved the rest of my things off of the window seat. Lifting the letter box, I sat down, leaning my back against the cushion that lay against the wall. I read the inscription on the front of it again and smiled to myself as I lifted the lid. I took out the letter that Brian had written me and broke the seal on the back. Unfolding the two pages of stationery inside, I smiled as I caught sight of the first word written in Brian's thin script. 'Nathaniel, 'If things have gone the way I planned, you're reading this after finding the ring I put on your finger while you were sleeping. Knowing you, you're probably sitting there waiting for me to wake up so that we can talk about this. Please let me sleep. With a little luck, you wore me out last night.' I smiled and looked up at him for a moment, then bent my attention back to the letter. 'I know that you're going to over-analyse this, and I also know that I would stumble all over myself trying to explain the way I feel about you and about us. So, I have stolen an idea from you and decided to put it all down in this letter. Besides, I needed something to put in your present. 'The ring on your finger is an engagement ring. Make no mistake about that. I want you to be my husband, Nate. Nothing would make me happier than to stand up in front of our family and friends and celebrate our love. 'When I was watching JC and Matt get married, the only thing I could think of was how much I wanted it to be us standing there, exchanging our vows and giving ourselves to each other forever. Marrying Leighanne was the last thing on my mind. I had seen you arrive just before the ceremony, and I made up my mind to find you afterward and talk with you in the hope that we could work things out. 'But when I was able to get away and try to find you, you weren't there. I've spoken with Matt and JC, and they told me that you only stayed long enough to wish them the best before leaving. I imagine that me and the rest of the guys were a big reason for that. 'I almost called you when we got back from the wedding, but that was around the same time that you stopped speaking to Kevin, and closed yourself off in your emails to Nick. It was clear that you didn't want to hear from me, and I wanted to respect that. Now that I know what was going on, I wish I had called anyway. Maybe we could have straightened things out before they got so bad. 'We've already lost a year to my stupidity, and another year to my mother's vindictiveness, Nate. I don't want to lose another second with you. I want you to be the last person I see at night, the first person I see in the morning, and the only person in my dreams. Forever. 'You know what the beautiful thing about writing this is? You can't argue with me or try to over-rationalise the situation. Sometimes your rational side is the one I dislike most, I think. While I understand why you like to keep your mind working, sometimes you've just got to go with your gut instead. I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. It's a simple thing, sweetie, with a simple solution. We get married. Or, as close to it as we can. 'I love you , Nathaniel. Marry me. 'Brian' I read the letter again through the tears that were trying to rise in my eyes, then folded it and put it back in the envelope, running my fingers along the edges of it as I thought about the situation. I knew I had a tendency to think too much, but it was the way I'd always been, and I didn't expect it to change. Not only did it let me keep my mind from going places that I didn't want it to go, but it also helped me with my writing. It allowed me to put myself into a situation and see the details. Not just what was there, but how and why it was there. Were things ever as simple as Brian was making it sound? I had my doubts. There were always variables to consider, and things to be worked out. Working from my gut was definitely not my strong suit. "Nate?" I looked over to find Brian sitting up on the bed, wiping at his eyes. "Right here." His head turned toward the sound of my voice, and he smiled even before he dropped his hands from his eyes. "What are you doing up?" "I woke up a little while ago." "Why didn't you come back to bed?" "When I got back from the bathroom, you looked like you were quite content humping my pillow. Didn't want to break up the love-fest," I smiled. Brian blushed and put my pillow back where it belonged. "So what have you been doing?" "Thinking." "Thinking about what?" I arched my eyebrow and moved my hand into the light so that it would reflect off of the ring. "Oh." By the expression on his face, he knew what was coming. "Brian, we have to talk." "Did you read my letter?" I held it up. Brian sighed and ran his hands through his hair. "Okay. I guess it was too much to hope for to not have to talk this to death. But can we at least be in the same part of the room?" I knew that he was trying to keep the disappointment out of his voice, but it wasn't working. 'Talk this to death' wasn't the most encouraging expression. I let out a sigh of my own and put the letter into the letter box, noting that I still had the letter from Matt and JC to read as well. I closed the box and joined Brian on the bed. "Look, Brian--" "Are you saying no?" Talk about getting to the point. "It's not that simple." "I think it is, Nate. Do you love me?" "Of course I do." I dropped my gaze, staring at the ring as I spun it on my finger with my thumb. He moved over beside me on the bed, sitting with his leg resting over mine, and his hand on my back. "Do you want to be with me forever?" "More than anything else." "Well, I love you and want to be with you too," he said, putting his finger under my chin and making me look at him. "What more is there?" I wanted so badly to kiss him, but I was afraid that he would misinterpret it as acceptance rather than an attempt to give and take comfort. Reaching up, I took his hand in mine and lowered it from my face. "There's lots more to it, Brian. I love you, and you love me. And we want to spend the rest of our lives together. That's wonderful, and more than a lot of people ever find, but I can't marry you. Not yet. Nothing's ever as simple as that, Brian. Not in my life." "That's because you won't let it," Brian let go of my hand and leaned back against the headboard of the bed. "Why can't you just do something because you want to?" "You really think we can do something like this because we want to?" "Yes!" "Brian, we've got to be *ready* for it! You might be ready, but I'm not." "What's holding you back?" "I am! Jesus, Brian. A month and a half ago I was lying in the bathroom bleeding to death." I saw the wince, though he tried to cover it. Dammit, I hadn't wanted to bring this up, but he wasn't leaving me much choice in the matter. "I thought my life was over, and now I'm sitting here thinking about committing to forever with you. I can't do that yet. So if you have to have a concrete answer, I have to say no." "You said we wouldn't lose any more time together," Brian mumbled, watching as I started to twist the ring on my finger again. I looked down as well, catching the image of GEOFU again as it passed. I thought back to the part about the responsibility to give as much love as one receives, and wondered if this wasn't the ultimate way to show Brian how much I loved him. I sighed again and drew my thoughts back from that road. Getting married wasn't a way of proving a point. It was an expression of love, not the proof of it. I slipped the ring from my finger and put it in his hands. My heart broke to see the expression on his face as I closed his fingers over it. "I'm not leaving you again, Brian, but I can't commit to forever until I'm sure. Not sure of you or of us, but sure of me. I've started putting the pieces back together. You're the most important and the largest piece, but you're not the only one. I have fences to mend with my friends and family, and I have to see if my writing is going to continue." He started to open his mouth, but I put my hand up to stop him. "I know that I finished the book for you, but that's a totally different thing than starting a new one. Especially one that I want published. That was hard before. Now it seems almost impossibly hard, but I'm going to try it. Whether it works or not remains to be seen, but I have to know." "You'll do it." The surety in his voice was enough to make my doubts quiet, but they were still there. I wanted so badly to believe him, but there was still a lot to prove. "I hope so and I think you're right, but I can't say for sure until I've actually got a project past the point where it might die on me. I've got to figure out where I stand here before I take on more." I regretted it the moment it came out of my mouth. "So, what? Being with me is just too much of a burden on you?" Brian asked, his eyes narrowing just a little. I reached out and grabbed his hand, locking my fingers with his before he could pull it away from me. "Don't ever think that. Being with you is the best thing I have in my life. Some days, it's been the only thing that kept me going and got me through my sessions with Dr. Lauler. But that doesn't mean that I'm ready to get married. It's not fair. It's not fair to you. I can't just pile all of this extra stuff on you." "You're doing it again," he said. "Doing what?" "Making my decisions for me. Let me decide what's fair for me." "I can't do that. This isn't like not visiting me in the hospital, where you had all the information and could act on that. You don't know what's going to be going on with me over the next few months or more, Brian. It's going to be pretty difficult." "I'm ready for that." "No you're *not*. That's the point. First of all, I don't want you to have to be ready for it. You're going to be involved enough as my boyfriend. I'm going to be leaning on you a lot, along with everyone else, while I try to get back on my feet again. I won't tie you down to me until I can stand on my own again. I told you a long time ago that I didn't want to be half of one, but one of two. "And you're not ready for what's coming, Brian. You can't be, because *I'm* not ready for what's coming, and it's my second time through. You know it's going to be hard, and you're right. But you don't have a clue how hard. I can't do this and have to think about dragging you along just because I have your ring on my finger. I won't obligate you like that." Brian shook his head. "You make it sound like a long-term lease on an apartment, Nate. I'm going to be with you anyway, why not as your husband?" "Because I don't think I can handle the added stress of knowing that I've obligated you to do this with me. As it stands, you can walk away from this if it gets too hard for you. I know you don't think that you ever would, but even if you wouldn't, I want -- need -- to know that you can. I couldn't stand the thought of putting all of this on your shoulders unless I know that you can give it back if you need to." "I wouldn't do that." "No, I don't think you would. But I need to know that you can. That's why I can't accept that ring. It's an obligation that I can't ask of you." He sat and watched me for a moment, guaging my expression. When he finally spoke, the anger had gone from his voice. While I was glad about that, I didn't like the hint of fear that had replaced it. "You aren't just saying that because you're having second thoughts about us?" My surprise must have registered on my face, because his expression changed immediately, and he seemed almost embarrassed about having asked. "No, I'm not having second thoughts. We belong together, and someday I want that ring back on my finger, but we can't now. *I* can't now. I have to be able to go into it knowing that I can make you happy, rather than just pile my baggage on your shoulders." "What about getting engaged and leaving the wedding until you're totally ready?" I so wanted to give him that much. "We can't be legally married, Brian. An engagement is, right now, as far as we can take it, which makes it an even bigger deal for both of us than it would be. In my mind, it's as good as a wedding ceremony, because it's the highest level of committment that we can make right now. "I realise that a lot of this sounds like I'm splitting hairs, and maybe I am, but that's the way I see it, and I won't commit to you until I'm sure about what I'm bringing into the committment." "Answer me one question." I closed my eyes for a second. In my experience, when someone said that, they were getting ready to ask a doozy of a question. Bracing myself, I agreed and opened my eyes again. Brian took my hand and looked into my eyes. "Will you marry me? Not tomorrow, or next week, or next year even. When you're ready, will you marry me?" "As long as--" He grabbed my chin and made me return my gaze to his. "As long as a lot of things," he said. "When you're ready. I understand that there's a lot you have to clean up in your life, but *when* you're done that, will you marry me? I'm looking for a one word answer, Nate. And so help me, if you say maybe, I'll punch you out right here and now." I smiled at the glint that returned to his eye as he said that last, and nodded. "Yes. When I'm done piecing my life back together, or at least done enough to see what the final picture's going to look like, I'd like nothing more." Brian's smile surfaced again, and he slipped the ring back on my finger. My right-hand ring finger this time. "Then you wear this for me. When the time's right, we'll put it back over. You're right about the engagement being a bigger deal since we can't actually be married. So, we're going to be engaged to get engaged at some undetermined point in the future." I looked down at the ring and sighed. It looked so good on my hand, and felt so right. Brian grabbed my hand as I started to take the ring off again. "And," he said quickly, "if at any time before we get engaged, I feel like it's too much to handle, I promise to talk to you and we'll discuss whether we move forward. No obligation to stay if I don't think I can do it." "Brian--" "And that ring doesn't leave your finger for a second until I get to put it back on the finger it belongs on or I take it back. Nate, I'll wait for as long as I have to, but I need this. Please give me this much." I thought about it. If we were a regular hetero couple, we would be getting engaged. That was a huge step, but one that, under different circumstances, I would take in a second. I didn't doubt our love, but Brian needed to be sure of who it was that he loved, and at the moment, I wasn't even sure of who I was. "No obligation to you?" "I can drop you like a hot potato," he grinned, knowing that I was caving. "That's a pleasant thought," I said, returning the grin. "It's an unthinkable thought." Brian's expression quickly became serious. "Nate, you asked me to wait to marry you until you're ready. I'll do that, but I'm asking you for something in return. I'm asking for a committment from you to try to get ready. I want to be able to be out on tour, or in the studio, and know that you're mine, and that you can just look down at your hand and know I'm there. That we're there for each other." I was already going to be trying to get to the point where I could marry Brian. So, basically, he was asking for a gesture from me showing my committment to something that I was already committed to. That, I could do. I nodded and grinned at him. "Can this count as your birthday present?" "No. You've still got to find me something extravagent and beautiful for my birthday." "Extravagent and beautiful, eh? How about me with a big ribbon around me?" I laughed. "Will you be wearing the ring?" Brian arched his eyebrow and smiled. I looked down at the ring and smiled. "It's so nice-looking on me, it would be a crime to take it off again." "Then..." He was going to make me say it. "Then, I guess you're engaged to be engaged to be married to a 25 year old basket-case." Brian grinned and pulled me into a hug. "As long as he's my basket-case, I'm happy." "Brian?" "Yeah?" "When we get married, does that mean I get to stop being the 'other woman'?" "What?" "You're already married." He rolled his eyes and looked at me. "Minor technicality." "Hardly minor. What are we going to do?" "I don't know, sweetie. Leighanne knows that it's over, and she knows about you. We're still married on paper, though. How much longer that lasts, I don't know. Personally, it works well for us if she and I stay married, but I don't want to tie her down like that. So, I honestly don't know." "I want to meet her." "That shouldn't be a problem. She's been wanting to meet you since shortly after I told her about you." "Shortly after?" He smiled. "It took her a little while to come to terms with the fact that I was in love with another man. Quite a while, actually. She wasn't very impressed. But, once she got over the shock of it, she came around pretty quickly. Nick and the guys all helped with that. And she wants to meet you." "You should have brought her." "I asked her, but she decided against it. She said it would be awkward for us to have her around. So, you're supposed to come visit me soon so that you can meet her." "The wife and the mistress in the same room?" I teased. "You sure you're up for it?" His grin came forth to greet me. "I think so. In my mind you're my wife already. But she's agreed to keep it up at least until we take care of my mother. That way, she won't know what's going on until it's too late." I sighed and nodded, pulling him into another hug. "Okay then, we'll figure that out as we need to, I guess. Now give me a kiss?" Brian continued to hug me as he dug his feet into the mattress and shoved me. I fell backward to the mattress, both of us laughing, as he pressed his lips to mine. The kiss seemed to last forever, and yet was over too soon. He moved his lips to my neck while I tried to catch my breath. I ran my hands down his back, expecting to slip them into the waistband of his boxers. But his boxers were somewhere on the floor near the foot of the bed. As soon as the thought occurred to me, I realised that I could feel Brian growing hard against my leg, and if we kept this up, a kiss was going to be the least of what I got. I smiled at the thought and let my hands continue their journey. Brian seemed to think of the same thing at the same time, and lifted his lips from my neck to glance at the bedside clock. He sighed and started to sit back up. "I'm suddenly very aware that I'm naked," he laughed, pulling the covers over himself. "And this is a bad thing?" "Being naked with you is never a bad thing," he grinned. "But the fact that your father is going to come barging in here in about ten minutes to tell us that breakfast is ready is kind of an incentive to put something on." I reached over and started to pull the sheets away from him again. "I hardly think that, after what they probably heard last night, Dad is going to barge in here ever again," I laughed. Brian giggled and pulled the sheets back up. "Still, they'll know what we're doing if we aren't out there." "And they'll think we were playing checkers last night?" Brian blushed, but stood his ground. "I'm in town for two more days. We'll have lots of time. I'd rather not give the guys any more ammo than you already did." I laughed and let go of the sheets, leaning in for another brief kiss. "Okay, but I hardly think that it counts as ammo. Trust me, it was a compliment to you." "Do me a favour?" "Anything." "Bring that up when they start in on us?" "Deal." "Do me another favour?" "You got it." "Hand me my underwear?" I decided that, if Brian was going to be such a prude, I would take the time before breakfast to unpack and get everything back in order. I would finally be settled in my own home again. I quickly hung up my clothes and unpacked my computer, setting it up again on my desk. The next thing to be unpacked was my picture of Brian and I, which took it's customary spot on my nightstand. Brian smiled and picked it up. "God, we're cute," he laughed. "You're cute. I'm sexy," I amended with a grin, putting my suitcase under the bed and opening up the smaller bag that held my personal stuff. "No argument here." Brian reached out and snapped the waistband of my boxers. "Hey!" I swatted his hand away and took out my stationery box. It was going to need a refill. Smiling, I took out one of the last pieces of paper from the box and wrote myself a note to buy more, then packed the box back into my desk, along with the disk that contained my only copy of 'The Critical Exchange' and my pen. The last thing I took out of the bag was a bundle of letters. They were the responses to the letters I had sent out after I woke up in the hospital. I had specifically requested that people write me back, even if we were going to be talking. I wanted them to be able to take the time and sort out their feelings rather than feel like they were on the spot when we finally saw or talked to each other. Until the night before, I had received responses from everyone except JC and Matt, though I had known that theirs was on its way. I had spoken with Matt a couple of times from the hospital. Sometimes it helped just to have someone else who understood on the other end of the line, whether or not you talked about it. Which we never had. I hadn't wanted to put it on him, and he seemed to sense my reluctance to talk about it, and so he never brought it up. There was, of course, some understandable awkwardness between Matt and I. After what had almost happened between us, his letter had definitely been one of the hardest to write. The way things had been left, I hadn't really expected much in the way of response. Though, with Kevin's delivery the night before, I guessed I was soon going to find out where things stood. Looking through the envelopes in my hand, I wandered over to the window seat, where my new letter box was still sitting. I sat down as I came to an envelope with Brian's handwriting on it. The next four in the stack were from each of the guys. They had been the hardest to get my letters to. I couldn't send them to their homes, because not only did they probably receive endless numbers of unsolicited mail, but there was no way of knowing when they would be home again. And I couldn't send them to their management, because they would have just been put with all the fan mail that they received. I had wound up having to wait until Brian had come to visit - with AJ that time. I snuck the five letters into Brian's backpack when he went to use the washroom. He had, predictably, found them and wanted to know what I was doing. I had made him promise not to read his until he was on the plane going back, and to make sure that the others got to the guys. Everyone else had been easy to get to. They actually had addresses and lived normal lives. "What are you smiling about?" Brian asked, sitting down beside me. We were both wearing just our boxers. Apparently Brian was satisfied that it looked sufficiently innocent if someone did come barging in. I turned the envelope around to show him his own writing. "You didn't need to write those letters, you know. At least, not to me and the guys." "Yeah, I did. It helped me sort things out, having to explain it to everyone. And don't even begin to tell me that I didn't owe Nick an explanation. I can't believe I didn't think about him being the one to find me." "You did have other things on your mind," Brian pointed out, resting his hand on my knee. "It wasn't good stuff, but it was there, and Nick knows that." "I know he does, but I also know that he's going to have that image in his head forever. I don't know that I'll ever be able to make it up to him." "You don't have to--" "Brian, I have to. Nick may not need me to, but I have to." "Okay, sweetie." His hand rubbed my leg reassuringly. "So have you heard back from everyone?" I nodded and opened the letter box, taking the letter from JC and Matt out. "I have now. Though I haven't read this one yet." "Then I'll let you read it." He started to get up, but I pulled him back, turning him on the seat and pushing him back against the wall. I then turned myself and leaned my back against his chest. Brian's arms immediately came around me. "Stay," I told him. "I'm sure you're mentioned. You can read all of them, if you want." "No. I'll stay for Matt's, but the rest are yours." "Suit yourself, but the offer stands." I ripped open the envelope, feeling something move around inside. Tilting it up, a small medallion on a chain fell into my hand. I looked at it for a moment, not knowing what it was, then pulled out the letter and opened it. Brian rested his head on my shoulder to read with me. 'Dear Nate, 'Let me begin by telling you how good it is to hear from you again. I won't tell you how much you had us worried, but I'm relieved to learn that at least some good has come from it now that you and Brian are back together. Though he's been down a lot with Kevin to see the baby, he's not the Brian I first met at my home over a year ago. You're good for him, and though I'd never tell the lunkhead so, he's good for you as well.' "Hey, who's he calling a lunkhead?" Brian asked, making me laugh. I turned my face slightly and gave him a kiss on the cheek, telling him that I'd be his basket-case if he'd be my lunkhead. He grinned and turned my face back to the page in front of me. 'If I can distract JC long enough to write a few words without him watching over my shoulder, I wanted to tell you how important being with that person can be. Through ups and downs, my life with JC has been blissfully happy, and I can no longer see myself without him. As you and Brian do each other, he completes me. Through all the tragedies and hardships, I can draw strength from him, strength I do not possess alone. Learn to give and take that from Brian. It's worth more than you can imagine. 'I would be remiss if I did not point out that no apologies are necessary where the wedding is concerned. The day would have been sorely lacking without your presence at the ceremony, like your place in our lives. I do regret that I wasn't more observant. I, of all people, should have seen the signs. I hope *you* can forgive *me*. Even considering my history, I don't presume to know what drove you to that point in your life again that you felt you had no way out, but I'm glad the Good Lord saw fit to grace us with your presence a while longer (I know you're not a big religious person, but bear with me, I did marry a Catholic, after all :)' "Can you believe him?" I asked, looking over at Brian. "After all I did, he turns around and asks *me* for forgiveness. Like he wasn't busy enough during the wedding. Now he apologises for not being attentive enough to play shrink? That boy is one in a million." "Two in a million," Brian corrected. "What?" "There's two people like that. JC found one, and I fell in love with the other." Brian started to nuzzle my neck again. I heard him gasp a little, but didn't pay much attention. His words had struck home, instantly taking me back to Matt's house almost a year before. I had actually been quite nervous about showing Brian the letter from Matt, fearing just what it might contain. But, Matt and I had agreed never to talk about what had happened, and he had been true to his word. But Brian's words unnerved me slightly. "I'm not like that." "Bull. If someone that you loved had tried what you did, and you had seen them a few months before, you'd be kicking yourself in the ass just like that. Talking about how you should have noticed, and maybe you could have helped. Face it, sweetie: you're a good one. The idea that you might have been able to help would be driving you insane." His lips returned to my neck. I put my hand on the top of his head and pushed him away again. "Stop that, or you'll give me a hickey." I heard him laugh as I turned my attention back to the letter. 'I've missed the Nate I could talk to with such openness, but if the letter was any indication, he just might not be as far away as I thought. JC and I have wanted to tell him for a long time that we loved him and that we'll be there for him, but I know that you've heard little else of late. That being the case, I decided that deeds said more than words, so enclosed you'll find a symbol of faith. 'It's a St. Jude medallion, patron saint of lost causes. It was given to me when I was a patient there almost a decade ago. It's not necessarily testimony to some higher power, but rather faith in oneself and a steadfast determination to walk your chosen path, secure in the knowledge that all of your friends and loved ones are there for you, now and always. 'Have a wondrous holiday season, and we'll see you soon. 'Love, 'Matt and his wonderful husband, JC (guess who made me add that last part?)' I smiled and looked the letter over again, then folded it back up and added it to the others. "They're just too much," I said, looking at the medallion in my hand again. Brian reached around me and took it out of my hands. Opening the clasp, he pushed me forward a little so that he could fasten it around my neck. I glanced down at my chest. I was starting to look like Mr. T with all these necklaces. I was wearing the black cord one with the jade 'N' hanging from it, the one that Nick had given me the night before, and now the one from Matt. Each was precious to me, and I didn't want to think about taking any of them off. My consolation came from the fact that Brian was almost as laden as I was. He was wearing two. The one from Nick, and the medallion that I had given him that first time we were to be parted. The one that had belonged to my father, and had meant so much to my mother and I. Brian had reclaimed it during his second trip to visit me in Westvale. He'd gone to the apartment himself to get it, and wound up spending the afternoon there alone. 'Trying to find me' was how he put it when I'd asked what he'd been doing. At the time, I'd thought it best not to ask what exactly he'd meant. It had clearly shaken him up, so I hadn't fought him when he'd changed the subject. I knew from Nick that he hadn't taken it off since then. "That must mean a lot to Matt," he said, indicating the medallion and catching my attention again. "It's seen him through everything twice now." I nodded, not trusting myself to speak quite yet. The medallion was definitely a special gift. Not something that Matt would give up lightly, and I was sure that he would know that I would understand that and appreciate it. I decided to work even harder to get my life back in order, in order to feel like I deserved Matt's faith in me. I was now wearing three tokens of other's faith in my ability to pull myself together. And all represented promises to me. Brian knew of my promise to him, but Matt and Nick didn't. Whether they would find out, I didn't know, but it didn't make it any less real. One other thing became clear to me as well. I was going to find a token of my own faith. Something that I could look back on in the difficult periods and remember how strong I felt at that very moment. How determined I was, and sure of myself. "Penny for your thoughts." I looked back at Brian and smiled. "Just thinking about symbols, and my need to find one." "Huh?" I'm sorry, but there just isn't an uglier syllable in the English language than 'huh'. I grinned and made a mental promise to work on getting him to say 'eh' instead. "I was thinking that I've got a symbol on my finger from you, and one around my neck from both Nick and Matt. And I need one from myself, you know? Something to think about and show my faith in myself." "How about a tattoo?" That was interesting. And something that I probably would never have thought about on my own. But what would I get? "Do you have any idea how long it's going to take me to think of a design?" I asked with a smile. "What about a pen? One of those feathery ones, like Shakespeare would have used? Laying in front of a bottle of ink or something?" I discarded it immediately. "Too cheesy." "How about a big dragon all the way across your back?" I laughed. "I don't think so." "Ring of thorns around the arm is always good." "Too overdone." "Heart that says 'mom'?" "Too tacky." "Anchor with a snake?" "Too Popeye." "Naked woman?" "Too hetero," I laughed. "Big picture of my face across your chest?" "You just want to be able to kiss yourself without feeling stupid in front of the mirror." I grinned and sat up. "I'll have to give it some thought. But I'm sure as hell not doing it until I'm sure. I don't want to be ninety with a picture of an old pop star on my chest." I jumped away before Brian could grab me and ran for the closet. "What are you doing?" "It's almost eleven. Thought I'd see if anyone else is up yet. Since you already ruled out anything fun, we may as well make the best of the morning." I smiled and pulled down a long-sleeve light shirt. Aside from Brian, Andy and her parents, and the staff at the hospital, no one had seen the scars on my arms, and I wasn't ready for anyone to. Everyone knew they were there, but I'd taken to wearing long-sleeve shirts almost exclusively. The only time my arms were bear was when I was alone or only with Brian. Slipping the shirt over my head and making sure that the sleeves hung down over my palm a little bit, I held my hand out to him. We'd talked about it, and I knew Brian didn't like my hiding my wrists, but he didn't say anything as he came over and took my hand, and we walked down the hall together. The first thing that became clear was that we needn't have worried about being interrupted. It didn't look like anyone was awake yet. Brian and I stopped inside the living room doorway and smiled. Kevin and Kristin were both still asleep, and she had her face nuzzled into Kevin's shoulder. Kevin's arm was around her shoulders, holding her close, and both were smiling. Brian chuckled and nodded toward AJ and Howie. They were the complete opposite of Kevin and Kristin. AJ was on the edge of the mattress on one side and Howie was on the edge on the other side. They were laying with their backs to each other. There was enough room between them to fit at least two more people. I laughed and headed for the kitchen. I was betting that there was going to be a need for coffee as soon as people started to rise. Brian came with me and jumped up on the counter as I got the coffee pot started. I was just finishing up when Mom came shuffling into the room in her housecoat and slippers. "Morning," she said, looking like she was more than half asleep still. "Morning. What are you doing up?" "Dad and I flipped for cooking breakfast last night after we went to bed. I lost, so he's sleeping in. I don't know why I let him talk me into flipping for things. In all the years we've been married, I've never once beat him." "Glutton for punishment," I said, giving her a kiss on the cheek. "Since we're up already, Brian and I will give you a hand." "Thanks, dear. You could start by getting out some bread and making toast. I'll get started on the eggs and bacon. We'll let the rest of them sleep until it's ready." "What can I do?" Brian asked, preparing to jump off of the counter. Mom put her hand out and placed it on his knee. "You sit there and look pretty for us," she smiled. "No, really, I can help--" "Don't bother," I grinned, pushing him back again. "First, you never contradict Mom. When she's spoken, it's law. Second, we've got it. Mom's got the stove, and you don't want to get between her and her stove. And all I'm doing is toast. You stay there, or you can go back to bed if you want." "I'll stay," he smiled as I pushed the button down on the toaster. "I was hoping you'd say that." Five minutes later, with everything under control, Mom announced that she was going to go and start waking Dad up. He was notorious for being up one second, then sound asleep again the next. It usually took a couple of tries to get him out of bed if he didn't have to go to the office. Brian and I were left in charge of not touching anything while keeping an eye on everything. As soon as she was out of the room, Brian threw his legs around me, pinning me against the cupboards and against himself. "Brian--" "Shhhh. We've only got a couple seconds," he smiled, kissing me. Things were starting to get interesting when Mom returned, heralded by a smack from her wooden spoon -- right on my ass. I jumped and just barely managed to avoid clamping my teeth down, which would quite likely have severed Brian's tongue. "Ow!" I backed away from Brian and started rubbing where she had hit me. "If that bruises, lady, I'm charging you with child abuse!" "Is it bruising?" she asked with a grin. Brian grabbed the leg of my boxers with his toe and pulled them down to check. He came very close to giving Mom more of a view than she could handle. "Nope, no bruise. Nice red mark though." "Brian!" I spun around, pulling my underwear back up. "What? She asked, I checked." "Nice ass," Mom said, laughing and enjoying the shade of red I was turning. "Don't call Brian names," I laughed, elbowing him in the stomach. "Hey!" "Sweetie, there is something that you can do." "What?" He knew something was coming. "Go and get my robe for me? I suddenly feel a little more exposed than I like." Brian smiled and jumped off the counter. "Okay, but I want it on record that I'm not in favour of you covering up." "Noted, now go," I said, pushing him out the door. "He's a sweetie," Mom commented, as soon as he was out of earshot. "So things are good between you then?" "Pretty good, yeah. He asked me to marry him." I tried my hardest to say it without inflection, as though I was mentioning the weather, but I detected a hint of unbridled joy in my own voice. "He WHAT?" She spun around so quickly that little bits of egg flew off the end of the spoon. I just smiled and held up my hand for her to see the ring. Grabbing my hand, she pulled the ring directly under the light, spinning it on my finger. "That's beautiful." "So's he," Brian said from the doorway, making us both look up at him. He had my robe in his hand, and was wearing his own. Mom practically bowled him over giving him a hug. "Whoa! Don't get too excited yet! Nate said no." "What?" "Not no, exactly," I explained as she turned to look at me. "Just not yet." I explained my reasoning again as clearly as I could. This time, I had Brian to help, which made it a bit easier. "So you're not engaged, you're engaged to get engaged?" Brian and I smiled and nodded, joining hands. "But I'm going to get a wedding out of his eventually?" We smiled and nodded again. "My two boys," she said, pulling us both into a hug. I smiled over at Brian and noticed the grin on his face. He was obviously happy at being claimed like that. "And no one else knows?" She drew away, looking at us. I started to shake my head, but Brian gave a slight shrug. "Nick and Erron both knew I was going to ask him, but they don't know how it turned out." "Erron knew about this?" I asked, surprised. I had figured that Nick would, and maybe Kevin, but not Erron. "Nick suggested we let him in on it," Brian explained, handing me my robe and sitting back up on the counter. I figured that he knew you better than anyone but Andrea, so we told him. He was really excited. He wants to be the best man." "Yours or mine?" "Don't think he cares," Brian laughed. "I'm so excited!" Mom gushed, turning back to the stove long enough to make sure things weren't burning. "What plans have you made? When is the wedding? Where is it going to be? How many--" "Wait," I told her, putting my hand on her arm. "No plans until this ring changes fingers. Not even one single little plan. None." "But you've got to start thinking about this." "No, we don't. That's part of the idea. This is as big a step as I'm comfortable with right now. The next step, you can start planning all you want." I gave her a smile, then leaned and gave her a kiss on the cheek as well. "Until then, no plans." "No plans," she conceded. "Promise?" "You need a promise from your mother?" "You afraid to give one to your son?" Mom sighed and smiled. "Can I have one plan? Give me one plan!" Brian started laughing from the counter. "Come on, Nate. She's going to burst if she doesn't get to do something now." I rolled my eyes and extended one finger. "One. One plan. That's it. Any more than one plan, and you're not invited to the wedding." Mom smiled happily. I knew she already had twenty plans going through her head, but I also knew that she would keep them all to herself until I wanted to hear tham. She turned back to the stove and continued with breakfast as I started more toast. Brian and I shared a look, and I knew that he was aware of what was going on in her head too. There was a quick knock at the door, then it opened and a whirlwind of energy came swirling through, straight at me. "Uncle Nate!" Norry shouted, jumping at me. I just reacted quick enough to catch him and sweep him up, resting him on my hip. "What are you doing here?" "Aunt Andy brought me." "She did?" "I did," Andy said with a smile, stepping through the doorway, with Carrie, Nick and Erron right behind. She gave Brian a kiss on the cheek, then started to give me one too, before pulling back. "Damn, boy. That's quite the hickey you got there." Mom started to laugh, still facing the stove, and Brian looked as though he was trying to shove the words back into Andy's mouth. "Quite the what?" I asked, looking from Andy to Brian. "Holy shit, Nate. What happened to your neck?" Nick asked, stepping into the kitchen. "Brian!" "I'm sorry, sweetie. I didn't notice until it was too late." "What's a hickey?" Norry piped up. "Nothing you need to know about yet," I told him, setting him down on the floor and unzipping his jacket for him. "And something that's going to get Uncle Brian a spanking." I got his jacket off of him and then worked on his boots. Once he was out of them, I sent him in to wake up Uncles Howie, AJ and Kevin, and Aunt Kristin. We all grinned as we waited, then heard a satisfying 'oomph' as Norry jumped on AJ. Norry started to laugh as AJ wrestled with him. By the sound of it, he managed to throw him on Howie to wake him up too. Pretty soon the three of them were making enough noise to wake the dead. Right on cue, Dad walked out into the kitchen. "What's all the racket?" "The children in the living room," I said, smiling. "Ah. Now, what happened to your neck?" Brian started to chuckle, and I smacked him in the leg. "Nothing." "Doesn't have anything to do with all that noise last night, does it?" He asked it with a totally straight face. If I hadn't already known, I would have been able to figure out where Andrea got her evil streak. Brian started laughing, and no amount of smacking could get him to be quiet. "Unless you want a detailed description, I wouldn't ask again," I said, smiling at Dad. "What's this about noise last night?" Nick said quickly, testing me. "Well, Brian and I were going to bed, and he was going to unpack my stuff," I started. "But, I was more interested in having sex with him, so I stopped him and we got undressed instead. After we were undressed and on the bed--" I cut off as Mom put her hand over my mouth. I breathed a mental sigh of relief. I'd been hoping she'd shut me up sooner, and wondering what I was going to do if she hadn't. "Don't encourage him," she told Nick with a smile. "Come on, it was just getting to the interesting part!" I laughed and removed Mom's hand. "Tell you what Nick. I'll tell about my night, if you tell about yours." Nick shut up instantly, and a lovely red colour rose on his face. Erron matched him nicely. "I thought so," I added smugly. "Okay, birthday gift for Brian: muzzle," Andy laughed, heading into the living room to see what Norry was up to. "I'm not the one who needed it!" Brian called after her. "Dammit, we're never having sex again unless there's no one around for miles," I laughed, following Andy and enjoying the look on Brian's face. Breakfast was served, and was going fine until Erron decided to start things up again. "So, Nate. New ring?" Bastard. He used just the right tone to get everyone's attention, too. Andy reached across the table and took my hand, inspecting the ring. "Nice." "Thank you," I smiled. "Brian gave it to me." "Isn't it on the wrong finger?" Nick spoke up with a smile. "Does anyone else get the feeling that they know something we don't?" Howie asked the table. He was answered with a nod from everyone but Mom, who just smiled and waited for us to explain. "Yes, there's more to it," Brian said, taking my hand. "But no, it's not on the wrong finger. I asked Nate to marry me." There was a collective gasp from those at the table who didn't know about it, and then everyone started talking at once. Brian and I looked at each other and started to laugh. We finally managed to get them to be quiet so that we could explain further. "He asked, and I turned him down," I said, which achieved total silence from everyone but Norry. He was having a conversation with an invisible friend apparently named Tony. "You said no?" Erron asked, breaking the silence finally. "Why on earth would you say no? I was sure you'd jump at it." "He didn't say no, exactly," Brian told them. "He just said not yet." I spoke up for myself. "I can't tie Brian to me until I know exactly what he's going to be getting. And it's going to take me some time to figure that out. Until then, I can't ask him to make that kind of committment." "But you didn't break up." I smiled at Nick. "No, we didn't break up. We're engaged to be engaged." "Which means?" "Which means that I've promised to get engaged to Brian, as soon as I'm comfortable with what I'm bringing into the engagement." We went around the table for about half an hour, explaining until everyone was on the same page. Everyone was very supportive, and more than once I had to suppress the plan-making. I assured Erron that he would be my best man, which made him happy. Erron loved an excuse to dress up. Once everyone was caught up, and breakfast was long gone, we broke up into cleaning teams. I managed to use my pull as the only actual occupant of the apartment to get Brian and I put on table duty. Which meant that we were done first, and relaxing in the living room while everyone else was washing, drying, or wiping down. Norry was contenting himself with cartoons. I liked having a lot of people in the apartment. It seemed right, after so long with no one but me rambling around in it. It was probably too big for one person, really. There was more than enough space to wander around in it, though I hadn't really put it to much use since moving in. The bedroom, bathroom and balcony were pretty much the only places I spent much time during that year. But, at the same time, I was looking forward to having it back. In a way, I was moving in for the first time. I was going to be able to enjoy the space, and make the most of it. Of course, I would have loved it if Brian could stay with me all the time, but at least he had somewhere private that he could escape to. And I had the peace to get started on my writing again. Well, normally I had the peace. With ten people in the kitchen and dining room and a three-year-old watching TV, there wasn't much peace to be found. Brian and I sat together on the couch, watching TV with Norry. Actually, I was watching Norry more than the TV, and trying to pretend that no one else was there. This was what it would be like if we had a child of our own. Just a normal family, hanging out in front of the TV. "Norry?" He looked away from the TV and smiled at me. He really was an adorable kid. "Come here for a minute, buddy." He got up and came over immediately, standing in front of me until I picked him up and sat him on my lap. Brian sat up a little to give me a bit more room. Reaching behind my neck, I unfastened my cord necklace and brought it around in front of me. "Do you know what letter this is?" I asked him, showing it to him. Brian started to tell me that he wouldn't know, but Norry answered right away. "It's 'N'." I smiled. Jeff and Cindy had been tutoring him at home already, trying to make sure that he got into the 'right' preschool. "That's right. Do you know what it stands for?" He thought about it for a minute, but shook his head. I hadn't thought so. From talking with Jeff, I knew that his knowledge was limited to the letters and numbers, and his colours. Basic stuff so far, but he was a bright kid. He'd catch on fast. "It stands for Norry," I told him with a smile. He smiled back, but looked to Brian for confirmation. Brian grinned and nodded. "And it also stands for Nate, like Uncle Nate." "That's right. And I'm going to give you this to wear, okay?" I put it around Norry's neck and fastened it. It was relatively tight on me, but big on him. Not big enough to slip off, but much looser than when I wore it. "It's yours now." Norry grabbed the jade letter and stared at it upside down, smiling. He seemed very proud of it, which was more than enough to get me smiling. "What do you say, Norry?" Andy asked from the doorway to the dining room. "Thanks, Uncle Nate," he said, giving me a hug. Then he moved on down the line. "Thanks, Uncle Brian." I had to hold back the tears that came at that. The instant acceptance of Brian into his life, not once wondering if it were odd to have two Uncles like us. I wanted that. More than anything, I wanted that innocence in my life. "You're welcome, Norry. Just take care of it, okay?" Norry promised that he would, and I put him back down. He went back to his position in front of the TV, stumbling a little as he tried to walk and look at the necklace at the same time. Brian looked at me and noticed that I was trying to keep from crying. Taking my hand, he brought it to his mouth and kissed it. "What's wrong?" I sniffed and took a deep breath. Getting up, I took my hand out of Brian's. "Nothing, sweetie. Just give me a few minutes, okay?" I asked, making a bee-line for the bedroom. To Be Continued...