Date: Wed, 15 Dec 1999 06:03:01 EST
From: ZELGADYSS@aol.com
Subject: Brian's-7-Sea's-Of-Loneliness 18-19

OK this is my first time at a story like this, I have read many from the
archive and loved them. This is about ME, MY life, and MY fantasies with
Brian Littrell and the BackStreet Boys. I am in no way implying anything
about the sexuality of the BackStreet boys, and if your not 18 GIT! Enjoy
and please send mail to Zelgadyss@AOL.com, Or if for some reason it doesn't
work...use Zelgadyss@hotmail.com, with good or bad comments on the
story. Just remember its my first time, and any resemblance to other
stories I am sorry it's coincidental and quite on accident. Also a few side
notes. Please do not reproduce this, or place it, post it, or otherwise
reproduce it without EXPRESS written consent of the author. All songs are
original, copywritten and abide by any and all laws thereof. If permission
is granted to reproduce (And I'm not really gonna say no if it's legit, but
ask first) it must be reproduced whole. Other than that, those are the
legalities, and on with the show (sorry I HAD to)

	Part 18, and things have changed. In the middle of the island
paradise, and what should have been the happiest place to be, a storm
lashed out, consuming love. It wasn't of rain, sleet or snow, ....but of
distrust, and of human insecurities. Then the storm of weather hit, and
took away all the pain....So everyone said I left some loose ends, so I
guess this is as good a place as any to tie them up. I am SOOOO glad I
wrote this story, it has affected me in such a positive way, as have all my
readers. I think my writing has improved, mainly in my songs. So with
that....on with the story.

Brian's 7 Sea's of Loneliness
part 18 by Jon


	His words were but a faint whisper, but Nick had heard them
still. He heard Brian state his intentions to die, but all he could do is
sit there and look out into space. His thoughts but a blur, and his mind
was in shambles. One man died, and now he held another who seemed to be
next. A man who was with him as he was growing, a man who shared his
laughter, shared his tears. Shared the moments of life that few people
could claim to see. This was the man who was with him through thick and
thin. The inseparable Duo, Frick and Frack. This was one of few people he
had learned to lean on as he grew up from a skinny young boy, into a
strapping young man. He had grown up, mentally and physically. And now he
saw his truest friend die in his arms inside. Losing the will to live and
fight, and losing the one he loved. He was saved physically, but a part of
all of them had died out in that storm. As Jon died, so did a little part
of all their innocence. The part of them that thought because who they were
they were invincible had just died inside. A friend, one whom wanted
nothing more from them than what he gave...true unconditional friendship
and love. He wasn't there for the name, he wasn't there for the fame. He
desired none of those things. He wasn't there for the money or for the
comfort.  He was there because he had seen 5 normal people with high
profile jobs who were in need of a friend. And he gave that friendship
without question, tho it went unseen till it was lost.
	So many things the guys had taken for granted in life...but were
just finding out that even life itself wasn't a granted. The biggest life
lesson of all was learned in those precious moments...the hardest part of
life was to let go, and learning to move on.  Also they too learned what
Jon had learned all those years ago about life. It was looking for that one
love, where each kiss seems to last an eternity, and mere seconds all at
once.  As if the whole world revolved around them, and stopped for
them. That one strike of lightning, that changes you forever, And can be
gone as fast as it came. It wasn't the first time Jon had risked his well
being for them..but this time he gave all he had, and there was nothing
more they could do to fix things. For once in their lives they couldn't say
something, do something to make it all better. This was one of the things
they feared most. Not knowing what to do and losing control over
everything. They sat in a place he had fixed up, and started a fire in to
keep warm, yet they felt so cold. Their hearts were left to remember what
had happened for the rest of their lives.
	All they had left were their few memories of a short time with a
good friend, keeping the pictures in their hearts...but Brian lost that and
much much more. He had lost the person who spoke to his soul, the one that
could touch him with a smile, and bring him to tears with the same look. He
could melt his cold heart just thinking of the loving warm arms, and safe
arms. The arms that embraced him at night..his protector from even the
world. He had lost the person who had lifted him in such a short time to
the greatest heights a human could reach. And now that he had lost it, he
was looking for the way to get it back. And the only way to do that was to
join that person in the eternal slumber.
	Nick looked down at Brian. "No..you can't. You have to much more to
do in life, I can't lose you too Brian....no! Your not going anywhere..we
will get through this together, I promise. He saved your life, not so you
could throw it away!" The tears streaming down Nick's cheeks and his eyes
were red with the tears he was crying. His eyes were puffy and his face was
just hurt. The other guys heard him and started looking at Nick. Kevin
finally spoke up when he saw Nick couldn't speak. "Nick were all OK, were
not going anywhere." Nick shook his head, nearing the point where he
couldn't take anymore. "No, Brian said he'll be with Jon soon..I won't let
him go!" And Nick started hugging onto Brian tighter as if to show him he
wasn't letting go. Brian's mind couldn't handle all the eyes looking at
him, and all the things that just happened. So he closed his eyes...and
went to sleep.

**********Out Side

	I soon awoke..feeling the sun on my face. It was the exact opposite
of what I had left. It was a perfect day, birds were flying, and all sorts
of animals were out. I felt like I did at the cove, peaceful, and
content. I figured I had died, after leaving my body, my soul must have
transgressed here to go onto my next life. So I just enjoyed my
surroundings, although part of me was aching to go back..to be there with
the guys, and to make sure they made it through, I knew that if the god and
goddess had taken me, that it was just my time to go, and that the world
was better off somehow without me, or at least would cope without me. The
lives I had touched would soon forget me, and I would be but a distant
memory drudged up at different times and at different places. My heart
touched enough people that I would be remembered in different ways, but
remembered all the more. I had accomplished life's ultimate goal, even if
it was for just a short while. I had found that one love that made me feel
like his eyes saw nothing more than me and my heart, the one heart that
beat like mine. I was given the chance to show my feelings to the world,
and I knew that part of me would be immortalized forever.
	I also felt the throbbing on my back...which I half expected to be
there from the tree, and my head felt a bit dizzy, but it was a mild
discomfort. I really felt no pain. I could feel fire around me..but it
wasn't hot either. It was soothing me. Much like the fire that surrounds
the phoenix, in bright brilliant colors or reds and yellows. Vibrant blues
that just called out to the air to be seen. The rainbow knew of these
colors but never before had they come together to form a symphony of
color. Each blended into the next as if flowing to the ocean of infinity,
carrying me in their beauty. As if my heart had taken shape and form, as if
my desires had come to life in the form of fire, Lifting me and protecting
me from all the pains of the world. Yet it showed me off at the same time,
begging the world to take notice of me, commanding that the world see me,
and see all that I was. Its bold yet caring definition, its soft but strong
flames. It was me. In my truest...purest state. It was my soul, and the
reflection it had. The beauty, the strength, the love, and the
hardships. The gentle hand, yet the rough skin.
	I was flying with the birds, the air going through the flames and
grazing my face like a soft caress wiping away a tear. The birds had
accepted me as one of them, and flew with me, looking down at the majestic
waters below. Seeing the fish swimming in crystal clear water, deeper than
the eye could see. Each twist and turn I made, the wind could be felt under
me, turning with me. I felt the freedom the air held. I felt the rush of
adrenaline flow throughout my body, causing a slight shiver to run through
my spine. As I traveled with the birds, we seemed to be flying aimlessly
away, perhaps this was the transition to my new life, my new place to
exist. But I saw wonders I could have never imagined before. I saw the
birds in the sky and the fish in the water..but as we flew, we entered the
most beautiful forest. The tree's canopy blocked out most light, except for
the stray strands of light that could pierce through the leaves. I saw
flowers that were equally as beautiful as I was in my flames. Only the were
burdened by the loss of light. They had to fight to keep alive, much like I
did. They fought for every ounce of their existence. Then I saw what was
the most beautiful.
	I saw large cats, running through the tree tops, jumping and
leaping. Fast as the light they were running towards. The puma's lightning
speed enraptured me, as the call of the birds enraptured my ears. I
absorbed all of the sights and sounds of this place, as we soon were
exiting..too soon. Much like life I suppose, the greatest beauty ended so
quickly.  Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would see sights this
beautiful, but then again I had seen sights that were this beautiful at the
same time. A smile crossed my face, as I remembered the first time I saw
Brian come out of the limousine. I was shaking, but I kept my
composure. Inside I was falling apart, but on the outside I was calm, cool,
and collected. Then when I found out he liked me. The tears in his eyes,
both of joy and of sadness. The way I had found out, the total randomness
of it all. Yet the fire in his eyes was always so bright. His determination
never said die. Then when they dragged me up on stage, I thought was going
to die at that moment..but he was there with me through it.
	In the same crystal clear water, just moments before I saw fish in,
I now saw his face smiling up at me. His crystal eyes staring at me, as if
beacons of love. And he stared deep into my soul. He was just looking at
me. A few tears had fallen from his angelic face, and a sadness crept into
it. His eyes lost the sparkle, the flame that had made them so special. It
was almost as if he had died on the inside..and lived on the outside. My
heart was torn. Part of me knew I was still in love with him, but part said
he no longer needed me in his life. I had served the purpose I entered his
life for, and now it was just time for me to move on. As I started flying
forward, I saw a grand white light in the water.  It sparkled like no light
I had ever seen, and I saw a few people holding white candles.  They were
sending me off into my next life. And I heard Brian's prayer, as he flames
softly faded away from my body, and I started coming to a halt. I couldn't
let him die because of me.

**************In The Caves
	The guys all started staring at one and other, And Gracie...not
knowing what to do about Brian. So they let him sleep, hoping he would have
a few moments of peace in it. Nick was stroking Brian's hair softly
murmuring he couldn't leave him. And Kevin was reduced to tears seeing his
love and his cousin like this. The wind had stopped blowing and all that
was left of the storm from what they could hear was a small whistling. So
Kevin and the guys got Brian up, knowing they couldn't stay in the cave
forever, and they walked out. The first thing they saw was the horror of
the storm. Tree's were knocked down all over, and small fires were here and
there. Brian started frantically searching for where my body would
be...hoping by some miracle I had survived the brutal storm. But when he
got there, all he saw were the knocked down tree's. Not the tree that held
me. He finally found that one blown meters away. As he fell to his knees,
crying, as I would be lost forever to this island that had now consumed my
life, and my body. No proper burial, not even that decency was left for
Brian to say good-bye with. He just cried, because in his mind, that's all
he could think to do. Hug my backpack close to him and cry, trying to once
more pretend it was me. "But..but....he's...gone....gone
from....me.....no....more....please...pain.....no....more.  ...pain."
Brian's words were irrational, and not all together understandable. He was
collapsing and the guys and Gracie were powerless to stop it.
	A soft shallow voice had pierced the hallowed silence, as all eyes
were to the ground. As soon as the voice was heard, everyone looked up to a
tattered and torn man.

***************Eden's Garden

No more could I stand him being unhappy, damnation or not, I was going back
by his side. Be it the will of the great goddess or not, I had to be with
Brian..so I dove down...and kept kicking through the waters, going as deep
as I could. My lungs were crying for air, and burning from holding it so
long, but I kept kicking down, trying desperately to reach Brian. Finally I
felt like I was falling, down a deep dark crevasse. And I felt my
body. Pain was rushing, and the coldness was all over. I felt like I had
been in a freezer, but still I fought my way up to my feet, and I weakly
spoke. "Brian...I'm coming." As I finally got to my feet, I started
stumbling to the way I thought was camp.  My body had been tossed around in
the storm, and I could have been lifted to a different island for all I
knew, but I still had to try to get to him.  I heard his voice crying out
to his god. And I heard him crying over the loss of me.  I heard his
tears..and saw his form. I felt like I was going to die all over again just
seeing him like that. But I had to be strong. I close my eyes, and gathered
all the strength I had within me, calling forth the energy of my friends to
help guide me. As I walked, ever so slowly towards him, one of my songs
came to my mind, so I touched his shoulder and started to sing for all I
was worth.

Chorus

The gods sent me an angel, On wings so bold.  The gods sent me an angel,
with a heart of gold.  The gods sent me an angel, With a ring of gold.

	The guys all looked up, as they heard my voice. I grabbed onto
Brian, falling to the sandy ground, and I held onto him, as he was my
inspiration for so many things, and ultimately the reason I came back to
this world. He was the beacon that called my name, even if we were just
friends, I couldn't stand to see him like he was, in tears and in need of
me.

	Verse 1

Yeah they sent me my angel.  With eyes of blue.  They sent me his hand, And
his heart so true.  His eyes are so deep, Angelic too.

	The words I was singing, each hit a small cord within me, and I
could feel Brian crying, although I will never know if it was the song, or
my return that sparked the tears, I knew they were tears of joy all the
same.

Chorus

The gods sent me an angel, On wings so bold.  The gods sent me an angel,
with a heart of gold.  The gods sent me an angel, With a ring of gold.


Verse 2

He is my angel, With his warm arms.  He loves holding me tight, safe in his
embrace.  His chest is so strong, It could never hurt me, cause.

	Chorus

The gods sent me an angel, On wings so bold.  The gods sent me an angel,
with a heart of gold.  The gods sent me an angel, With a ring of gold.

	Verse 3

They sent me my angel, >From skies so blue.  He is my angel, Eyes so true.
His heart is an ocean, Sending me waves of love

	Chorus

The gods sent me an angel, On wings so bold.  The gods sent me an angel,
with a heart of gold.  The gods sent me an angel, With a ring of gold.

	Verse 4

My angel is here, Soft to my touch.  And he won't disappear, He loves me
too much.  His heart's a deep ocean, Swallowing me up.

	Chorus

The gods sent me an angel, On wings so bold.  The gods sent me an angel,
with a heart of gold.  The gods sent me an angel, With a ring of gold.

	Verse 5

He is my angel, With words of gold.  His wings are hidden.  Wings so bold.
But he is my angel, Forever I'm sold.

	Chorus

The gods sent me an angel, On wings so bold.  The gods sent me an angel,
with a heart of gold.  The gods sent me an angel, With a ring of gold.

	Verse 6

His lips are like roses, Velvety soft.  Silk and Fine poets, Capture him
not.  The biggest of canvas, Aren't big enough...cause

	Chorus

The gods sent me an angel, On wings so bold.  The gods sent me an angel,
with a heart of gold.  The gods sent me an angel, With a ring of gold.

	As I finished my song, he turned around to see me. His eyes had the
sparkle in them that had drawn me to him in the first place. His eyes were
reflecting his soul, as he leaned in, and whispered "I'm so...so sorry
Jon..I know I was a fool..so many times. But can you forgive me?" I wanted
to jump in his arms right there and tell him I had forgiven him so long
ago, but I couldn't. Part of me was still to hurt. "Brian, let's just get
home. Then I can go home, and our lives can go on. I know you want your
space, and now I will move on, but when you need a friend, I will be here
for you. I will always be here for you." Brian looked like I had just
slapped him, but he knew he shouldn't expect a whole lot. I eased my
Backpack off his shoulders, and I laid down a bit. Gracie came over and
gave me a bear hug, and Nick was soon after. All the guys took their turns
in hugging me, and making sure I was ok. Other than a few bruises and
whatnot I would be fine.


Brian's 7 Sea's of Loneliness
part 19 by Jon


	The guys all looked at me with shock, amazement, and 1,000 other
things running through their minds. Who knew that the power of one's heart
could allow them to endure so much pain, and still survive. They were
amazed that I was still going home as well, but what could they think. What
was I to think. What was Brian thinking. I figured that the storm probably
came from the coast of Florida, and might have been blocking the guys
signal. I saw the stewardess and the captain as well, playing with the
radio, trying to get a signal. "Perhaps someone should make a call to
someone who will be home in Florida?" I said, and the captain jumped up "I
can boost a signal for a short bit, using the transponder, and other parts
from the radio, best guess is 5 minutes tho." All the guys looked at each
other, not knowing who to call they could get through too...then Nick
shouted, "There is ALWAYS someone home at the Carter house. I bet BJ will
be there to Pick up, or mom." Nick gave his cell phone to the pilot, and
the guy started rigging the phone up with pieces, I could see something in
all the guys eyes. The look of hope. I was laying down on the ground,
propped up on my bag, and just looked to the sky, hoping the call would go
through.
	Nick grabbed the phone soon as it was done, and dialed a number he
must have dialed 1,000 times, the battery of the radio powering the
phone. It looked like hell, I was surprised it didn't shock the hell out of
Nick, I'd have been afraid to use it. I think facing the tornado again
would have been my choice. I could hear the ringing, all the way where I
was. My hearing was always real good, I could often hear 2 ends of a phone
call without being on an extension, so I listened. I heard a sob, and a
voice of a girl that had been destroyed answer the phone. "Hello" the girl
said. "HI BJ!" Nick cheerily sad, and we all heard a shill shriek. Nick had
to hold the receiver away from his ear it was so loud. "BJ calm down, I
only have a minute." The screaming continued, and another lady, more mature
picked up the phone, almost angry, the other sobbing. "Who is this.." The
lady asked. Nick answered "Its me mom, Nick." Again another real loud
shriek. This was too funny, I'd have laughed, but I was weak, and knew his
time with the phone was running out. The lady on the other end was in
hysterics too. I heard a real deep base voice pick up "Who on the gods
green earth is this!" He seemed quite angry. Nick a bit shyly answered the
same question once more "Dad, it's me, Nick." I thought I heard him cry...I
guess Nick did too. "Dad.I only have a minute or two left before the phone
dies. I know we been away for a few weeks. The plane crashed, and we are on
an Island on the way to Hawaii, And we were in a bad storm." His dad
answered quickly "Yeah, we were told the plane crashed, it washed up on
shore not too long ago, you were all pronounced dead."  Another scream is
heard, then a few more "As you can hear your mother told the rest of the
families that you guys were alive..we'll see if we can get someone out
there soon, after we hang..." And the phone died. Nick looked heart broken
"If there wasn't a worst time for THAT to happen, at least they know we are
alive now.
	I had to smile just knowing they all had families to go back to,
and I was going back to see them happy, hopping on my plane to go home to
an empty, large apartment.  But I smiled regardless. "Yup now your families
will rest a bit easier. And they can start celebrating your return
home. You know MTV will blow this up..think of all the interviews, and
everyone will want to see you." All the guys groaned. "Nick call em back
and say we are somewhere else were staying here, it beats the interviews!"
AJ said sarcastically. Brian looked like he wanted to agree, and at the
same time wanted to be there for his mother who must be worried sick. While
they were all discussing what to tell the press, I slipped away,
slowly..stumbling a bit, but unseen. I went back to the cove for what
seemed to be the last time. It made me feel so warm inside, as if this was
the place that I was meant to be when I died. In totally happiness, and
nature undisturbed. The truly was the Garden of Eden. The most beautiful
place in the world. I took out my camera, and snapped several films, so I
could never forget any details of this place...but I knew I couldn't let
the world see the photo's, or they would come here, and ruin the beauty. I
debated destroying the film, knowing in my heart that I could never forget
this place, no matter how much I may want to. But I kept the film
regardless. It was my place in this world, I for once felt at peace with
nature, and I could feel the god and goddess very strongly here.
	I heard foot steps in the sand behind me. Maybe I wasn't
unseen...but it was too late to cover up, and just leave. I heard a gasp
behind me, as I turned slowly around, I saw Brian standing there, awestruck
at the place before him. Much like I was when I fist saw the place. He
reveled in warmth of the light, and the majesty of the tree's. The birds
commanded the skies, with colors even a rainbow was far from touching. The
water was clear as crystal, and the fish were big as boxes. He saw the
place I had retreated to this whole time. I had to wonder if it touched him
in quite the same way, and I smiles looking at him. He had the face of the
cat who just ate the canary. I patted the sand next to me, as if to offer
him a seat. It took him a few minutes to understand what I was saying, as
he was captivated by this area. But he soon took a seat near me. And he
looked at me. "Is this where you have been all the days Jon, here in the
forest?" I just nodded. "the beauty called to me, and it was here I first
saw the tornado coming..its also been my solace since you decided you
didn't trust me.." I saw Brian about to say something, but quickly cut that
off at the pass "And before you say sorry again..i know you are, but the
words were still said, and they hurt. A lot. So I am going home to think,
and to be myself, and to figure out who I am again. Once I figure out where
I stand, MAYBE we can try the romance thing again. I want to remain friends
tho. That means a lot to me. You have a lot of friends, but I don't, and I
value the ones I have." He had the look of a lost pup, and of a wounded
bird, mixed with the look of longing and understanding in his eyes. "I
understand Jon."  "We had better get back Brian, that chopper should be by
soon, we have been here a few hours, and I just wanted to say good-bye to
this place, before we left.

**********************************

TBC..seems I forgot that last time.. oops *evil grin* well I hope you like
this installment, I will try for another in a week or two. Working so many
hours its hard, but I have a little time off comming up, so we will see
what happens now won't we J. Keep well, keep safe. Be loved, and love
someone.

-Jon-