Date: Wed, 22 Mar 2000 05:59:37 EST
From: ZELGADYSS@aol.com
Subject: Brian's 7 Sea's of Lonliness 20-21

OK this is my first time at a story like this, I have read many from the
archive and loved them. This is about ME, MY life, and MY fantasies with
Brian Littrell and the BackStreet Boys. I am in no way implying anything
about the sexuality of the BackStreet boys, and if your not 18 GIT! Enjoy
and please send mail to Zelgadyss@AOL.com with good or bad comments on the
story. Just remember its my first time, and any resemblance to other
stories I am sorry it's coincidental and quite on accident.

Part 20...were getting along quite quickly now *laughs* but I am sure I'll
post more steadily. All is well in the lands of the lost Paradise
Island. So without further Ado, let's see what's going to happen.

Additional Note: Congrats to Kevin and Brian on their engagement. May all
your days be filled with the happiness and Joy your music has brought to us
the fans, and may you find everything you truly desire in life with the
mate you to wed J

Brian's 7 Sea's of Loneliness
part 20 by Jon


	As we walked away, I could feel the energies of the place stay with
me. I felt better in so many ways, spiritually, I felt myself healing. The
past was slowly oozing away from my heart, where it had held onto me. The
memories had tormented me for years, stopping me from ever totally moving
on in my life. I held onto these feeling for so long, that I could totally
feel it whisk away from my body. I felt a great weight being lifted off my
shoulder as I walked away with Brian. Looking at him, I could feel him so
close, yet he was so far away from me. Mentally anyhow. There was a large
distance emotionally, but I had to wonder was it me that was keeping the
distance, I felt hurt, but I learned from all the things in my past that
holding onto that hurt, and holding onto the pains of the past often times
held your future at bay. Stopping you from doing the things you love. As we
walked, I just kept thinking, oblivious to the fact Brian was right there
with me. I think he was saying something, but I couldn't make out the
words. I felt the vicious pattern repeating itself, and I was the one doing
it.
	A small grin replaces the normal depressed look that adorns my face
when in a neutral position or thinking, as I could finally feel the past
leaving me, as I dealt with it piece by piece. I had all but ignored Brian
most the way when he stopped and I bumped into him, not exactly watching
where I was going. "Oops, you OK Brian?" I looked out to him, to see if I
hurt him. He gave me a real funny look. I almost laughed seeing the look,
he looked so cute.
	"Jon, what's going on with you. Your really out of it lately. Your
mind seems to have wandered away from this place. Or gotten so entrenched
that it refuses to leave?"  Brian said with such a sincere look on his
face. So I looked at him and smiled. A genuine smile, that people hadn't
seen in me for so long save for Brian, that it was almost as Bright as the
moon. Brian's face turned into that of a bewildered child. He was trying to
read me, but not many people were ever able to do that as my mind was
always churning, and my thoughts changing. Its hard to read the mind of a
mental Chameleon. But I could see in his eyes nothing but the fondest,
caring look, as well as a bit of worry. It made me wonder if my choice to
go home was worrying him, and bothering him. No I guess I knew that was
bothering him. He must be worried he'll never see me again. But I had to go
home. I had to at the very least take a week or two to just analyze the
situation I am in...and then Figure out where to take it, where I want to
take the relationship. How far am I willing to go for this man, and did I
love him. Well I knew I loved him, but I wanted to be truly sure I loved
him, beyond a shadow of a doubt. And I knew the only way I could figure
that out was time alone, and to think a lot. I had to make sure that I did
this right. I had decided to call the label as I had an idea.
	The noise from the camp sight were getting loud, so I assumed
something was happening. So me and Brian left that choice moment and went
to see what the commotion was all about. I could see the guys feverishly
trying to start a fire, as a helicopter flew over them but didn't seem to
notice. Now I had a good amount of wood, but big fires always started
small. So I went over there. "OK OK OK, MOVE! I can't get a big fire quick
with 5 people in the way." I said as I started to get the smaller stuff,
and some paper from my notebook out to start the fire, Again I cheated and
lit a match for times sake, and sanity sake. In a matter of 10 minutes or
so I had a sizable fire going. Unfortunately, it wasn't producing much
smoke cause I used good firewood, so I had to think quick. I started
looking for leaves, but all I found were palm leaves. "Well these will have
to do. Guys, I need some branches of palm leaves. I just hope they burn and
produce a large amount of smoke." The guys had done what I had said, and in
their rush nick was about to throw them all in at once.
	"Nick, Not all at once that will drown the fire." I had to chuckle
at his enthusiasm tho. I took one of the bigger branches and held it by the
fire. It soon caught on fire and was producing a large amount of black
smoke. I hopped the gods knew I wasn't trying to do this to hurt the
planet, but merely to signal the plane. After about a half hour the palm
branch was gone. "Well you gonna burn another Jon?" AJ looked at me
questioningly.  "Nope. Note yet. That smoke is dangerous, and we'll wait a
bit before burning another, I can't hear any chopper anyhow." Of coarse, as
if right on time, I could hear the faint sounds of a chopper just to prove
me wrong, approaching the island. As it did all the guys started burning a
palm leave making a billowing smoke cloud to show they were there.
	Soon the chopper was seen over head, and making a decent upon the
small area we had shared for a week and a half. It was blowing sand and
blankets everywhere, as it landed. Blowing the fire out in the process as
well. I shielded my eyes so that the sand that was being kicked up wouldn't
fly into it. I think AJ with his ever present sunglasses was the only one
not shielding his eyes from the chopper. Soon as it landed, and the
propellers were stopped, a few people from the coast guard stepped out with
medical bags, looking around to make sure no one was hurt. "Is everyone
OK?" one of the medics asked.  Immediately all eyes were focused on
me. "What, I was only in the middle of a hurricane, and a tree fell on me,
why you guys all staring at me like that?" With that I tried to laugh,
Brian gave me a look that said your hurt, they're fixing it. Kevin had a
similar look which added to my want to laugh, AJ and Howie had sympathetic
looks, as if remembering what had happened. Gracie had a look of amazement
that I hadn't been whining the whole time, and the pilot and stewardess
looked at me as if I was nuts, saying what I said as if it was a normal
day. Truth was, I just hated hospitals and doctors, and I was fine save a
limp, bruises, and cuts that weren't bad. I would heal over in a week or
two. Still the medic was already at my side looking me over. She was poking
the bruises to se if I would scream or yell. I refused to, I just bit on my
lower lip, so hard in fact I could taste the blood, And clenched my eyes
shut, determined not to let this person see I was hurt. Finally she gave
up, noticing what I was doing. "OK son, your gonna have to go to the
hospital, if you won't cooperate here then I am sure you will there." I
shrugged having my plan backfire, as I thought of ways to get out of
it. The medics quickly gave everybody a once over to see if anyone was
hurt, gave me a REALLY dirty look, and then they escorted us onto the
plane. Between the 2 medics, and 8 of us, it was going to take 2
helicopters, Having had 2 on the rescue, another not to far away, they
radioed the second one over.
	They started discussing who should go into which chopper. It was
assumed that Kevin and Nick were going in the same one. Brian wanted in
with Kevin. I was dragged into that one by Nick, despite the look I gave
him. I was definitely honing my evil eye on these guys lately. As I was
dragged into the chopper, I was seated next to Brian, And Nick across from
me. You could see the longing in Kevin's eyes to hold Nick, and in Nick's
eyes was almost a wishful look, as if he was planning something big and
saying a last minute prayer it would work. But he was one person I had a
harder time reading, for like me, his mind was always on the move plotting,
planning, and sometimes even conniving.
	As the choppers had flown into the coast guard station, you could
see about 30 people standing in the area inside awaiting their arrival, but
you knew if that much family was there, the camera crews weren't to far
behind. I could see a look in Brian's eyes as I smiled to him. Kevin and
Nick had the same look as well. It was a look of joy upon seeing their
families, who were now rushing onto the main landing site to see the
guys. Both choppers now landed safely, and all the people ran out to see
their families, as the guys had as well run out too see their families. I
let them all go, as did Gracie on her flight, and just took a step back. I
walked into the station to get a cocoa, and relax, letting them all have
their moment in the sun with families, and friends. One of the medics came
up to me, and I looked past to try and find Gracie, who amazingly enough
found her "Mom" and "Dad". Another two people I disliked, but I was glad
they were here for her. "Sir, you need to be looked at by a doctor, by
rights you shouldn't be alive having a tree hit you, and being out in a
storm!"
	Again I looked away from the medic, not feeling to bad, and caught
a glimpse of Jackie's face having heard what had happened. It was shock,
then horror. Disbelief, shock again..and then she stared. She had the rest
of the guys in tow, and I kept sipping my cocoa, watching everyone walk
in. "Ma'am, I appreciate all your trying to do here, but I will be fine, I
plan on going home and resting. After I get a good week rest, I will go get
a new job, but I really am fine." I said this in a whisper so that I hoped
as few people as possible could hear me. Jackie's jaw dropped, and Brian
got a tear in his eye he refused to let fall. Nick just looked at me..they
were a bit too close not to hear I guess. "So your really leaving us Jon?"
Nick said, in such an innocent way, it was cute. He had the biggest puppy
dog eyes on him, I almost had to laugh. Another part wanted to cry and give
in. His eyes were just TOO good, I was amazed, he must have gotten away
with murder with eyes like that.
	"Yes Nick, I really am." I stated flatly, and plainly, watching yet
MORE people pouring into the small area, and the place was getting packed,
yet it felt as if all eyes were on me, instead of the guys where it was
more important. I could see Harold, Brian's brother in the wings trying to
come forward, as if to scream. He looked LIVID, but I couldn't blame him,
could I? I mean he was seeing his brother crushed, but I knew that my heart
was so hurt. I know I need to move past it all, and just go on. With or
without Brian I needed to go on. I looked up to see their limo's pulling
up, and they were escorted to a meeting, And the room thinned out to see
the press conference. Jackie stayed back, and I think Harold wanted to, but
she just gave him a look. I always thought how funny it was that family
could look at each other a certain way and get the desired reaction.
	See some people face their pain, and manage to find a way through
it. I tend to want to run. Its all I knew how to do in life was run. I kept
my little world hidden deep inside, no one came in, no one could hurt
me. Almost everyone let in had hurt me...People hear all I went through as
a kid and say how strong I was to be able to face it all, and come out as I
did. If they had only known I was terrified, scared to death of the world,
I wonder if they would think I was so strong. It's true yes, I managed to
survive so many things, but at what cost? The cost of me shutting myself
off to the world, in my infinite ways of learning's of the world, I never
learned some of the basics. I had forgotten them if I ever knew. I'd
forgotten how to forgive a mistake. I'd forgotten how easy it was to be
shunned, and how painful it felt, I had forgotten how to think with my
heart and not my brain. I let my need to survive out do my need to be
loved. At what cost is survival worth? Was I willing to live a life alone
and lonely?
	Jackie looked at me, and I think she knew I was thinking, and she
looked to have at least gained her composure. "Jon, why are you leaving
him, I thought you loved him? I mean what could have possibly happened
there that was so bad its worth losing something as grand as love?" I
looked at her...and looked....and tried to talk, but nothing came out.
Closed my mouth as I re-thought what and how to say. Only one word came out
tho. "Fear." That was my only answer, I was afraid to forgive, afraid to be
hurt, afraid that if given another chance he would hurt me so much worst,
and maybe this time I wouldn't survive the heartache. My mind was reeling,
as I saw so many images in my head, I saw what it would be like if I let
him back into my life. If I managed to learn to forgive, could I learn to
forget? Could I learn to Love the way I wanted to be love. And not once
could I answer my own questions for sure, all I knew was, Brian's heart was
being torn, and he couldn't do anything to help it, it was me, and me alone
who could change it. Deep down I know he was sorry, I think I knew in the
instance he said it he was. And deep down he knew it too. "Jon, Fear can
only rule your life if you let it. And if you let fear dictate your every
action, can you live like that? Can you truly be alone forever, because
your afraid of being hurt? If you never take a chance, and risk a little,
how can you ever expect to be loved in return? It's not the happy times
that make love grand, it's the times when you feel your not going to make
it, and when you look to your side, there stands someone, someone so
fantastic, that no matter the odds you want to fight and give whatever it
takes. Those are the times you truly love, and learn. And grow."
	I looked to her and nodded, as I finished my Cocoa. I slowly got
up, and smiled down at her "Thank-You Jackie, tell Brian that I said
good-bye please, I need to go now."  She looked to me and nodded having
tried everything she could think of, and still to no avail. "So this is it
Jon, you really are going to go?" I merely nodded to her. "I have to
Jackie, and one day maybe I will see things I didn't or couldn't, and maybe
I won't. But I have to follow my heart, and right now it says I need to
go. It may be the hurt, or it may be the only way I ever knew how to deal
with the pain was alone. Or it could even be that I am running, I can't
even explain all the things in my head right now, I just know I need to go
for right now. I need to get away from what happened, ALL of what
happened. And the guys need me away right now two, and you'll see why if
you haven't already." She just looked at me funny as if to say what, but
nodded and I walked off. I could see Gracie and her "family" going to a
Taxi as well, I figured he was going home, my only question was how much
she was given a choice and more so if she agreed or not, but there wasn't a
lot I could do there, people have tendencies of repeating vicious patterns
in life, and her parents were one pattern she hadn't dropped.
	I called the next taxi that went by, and asked for the airport, I
already had the ticket waiting for me, as the BSB management had taken care
of the arrangements. In fact they had managed to keep a lot of arrangements
for me, as I found myself secluded from the normal terminal where most
people wait. I had figured it was just because my face was on the news a
lot at the time, and they didn't want me to be mobbed for having the
accident and what not. I just brushed it off, s I looked to the terminal,
it was on MTV, which for an airport is BEYOND strange. But I watched
anyhow, as they went to Special Live coverage of the BackStreet Boys
conference. I could still see the hurt in Brian's eyes tho he hid it well
for the camera's and acted quite the happy man, as if he was too happy to
be home. Kevin and Nick sat next to each other, but kept their distance and
were careful. I thought they made a cute couple. I could see AJ and Howie
half looking around the crowd, for what I suspected was Gracie. Or me for
that matter, as none of them knew when I was leaving so they might have
assumed I'd be there.
	"How was it on the Island Guys?" was managed to get through by a
young reporter over the dim of the crowd, each looked at the rest, and
decided they all answered, again with those looks that talked, I smiled at
seeing how close they were. Kevin Spoke up first "It was difficult at
first, we really were unprepared for this. Howie hit his head, and none of
us really knew what was going on. Had a dear friend of ours not warned us
he felt bad, and to buckle up, more of us may have been hurt." Nick took
over from there and put his piece of it in "And he was also the one that
made us stop yelling and start setting up for a stay, and making lean-to's
and a fire, he really had it together." Brian was next in the line and took
a moment to think then added "He also saved my life, and braved a hurricane
with a tree on him, he found the most beautiful place, and when he showed
it to me, I had never seen such beauty." I swear I saw a tear forming, and
then Howie piped up quick to draw attention "We had all he supplies we
needed, but when it came right down to it, when you don't know what to do,
all the tools in the world don't matter." And then AJ grabbing Howie into a
noogie "I knew what to do all along, I just let him take over for us, so I
could play!" then he flashed a grin to show he was just teasing the people
trying to lighten the mood. The same reporter shouted one more question
pushing his way to be heard, but in the newspaper business I am sure they
all did it as you could see. "Well this man sounds like a regular
hero. Where and Who is he?"
	That seemed to have been the wrong question to ask, but the guys
couldn't just say they've been through a lot and leave on the second
question. I saw Nick look away, and Brian looked like he saw a ghost. No
one knew how or what to say. So I pulled out the cell phone Brian gave me
at the island to hold in my pack. Its amazing how people forget to take
some things back, but maybe it was for a reason, and I dialed into the main
PR guys Line.
	"Hi, yeah I am watching the news which is Live coverage from the
press conference, and it would seem they want to hear from me, and/or see
me. And the guys are struggling, if you want to patch me through I will
give a BRIEF answer to a few questions, but I'm not going on TV, and NOT
MTV with the way I look, and feel, and I need to be home." I heard the ok,
and the yeah uh huh, I mean I knew I was bailing them out, but I had to. I
didn't want the guys to have to lie, and it was obvious that none of them
wanted to answer, Kevin looked about ready to speak up, when he saw a
signal from the PR guy. He promptly backed off, and just waited a minute to
see what was happening, as he wasn't sure what he wanted to say really
anyhow.
	"Hello?" I said into the phone, and seconds later I heard my voice
on the TV, and under a scroll at the bottom, I read "Voice of Jonathon
Burke" amazed they spelled it right, and muted the TV as to not cause any
complications. "Well I was watching the TV, and saw the interview, and you
all wanted to know who and where I was. Well I am getting ready for a plane
to take me home at the moment." As soon as I said it, I wish I hadn't, I
could see the guys visibly shrug, and their faces were all so sad. "But my
name is Jonathon Burke, And they make it sound like I was a hero, but all I
was, was a prepared man. All I did was what I knew had to be done, and the
Scouts had trained me to do when I was younger. It was little really, I
mean I helped make a few make-shift tents and started a fire, any one of
them could have.....BUT AJ cause he thought he could!" and I chuckled to
show I was trying to lighten the mood as well, but none of the guys seemed
o laugh. "Well I hope that clears me up as to who I am and where I am, I
must be off now, as my plane is boarding, guys keep in touch please, and I
will miss you all a lot. Just remember I will ALWAYS be there if you need a
friend, and Brian SHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! If you tell the world about that place
on the island, it will be a popular vacation resort and the beauty will be
ruined!  And SMILE guys! Your home now. Bye-Bye." And I hung up.



Brian's 7 Sea's of Loneliness part 21 by Jon


	As I boarded the plane and put my bag up, I started thinking of all
the things, good and bad that I had been through in the past month or so. I
remembered all those happy times, and being trampled by the girls, I
remembered being flipped when I caught up to then at the burger stand. I
remember him getting me to the hospital...which was no small feat I assure
you, and I remembered all the loving looks. I remembered the times that in
no way could I ever forget, or ever want to forget. It was a chapter in my
life I wasn't sure I was ready to close, or wanted to. Maybe I was running,
or maybe I was just going to pull myself together. But in either case, I
knew deep down in my heart that I loved the man I was getting onto a plane
to get away from. I guess I had a lot of thinking to do in the time I was
gone. Should I go back and stay there. Would they even call and keep in
touch as I so asked? Only time would tell, but for now I had to start
living my life, and start being my own person. I needed to push the
thoughts of Brian out of my head and start going forward, unfortunately my
mind had other idea's and was running on its own, for every time I closed
my eyes, or heard a name on the winds, it even seemed as if the tree's
themselves beckoned his name, as I listened to them torment me in the agony
of leaving him. But part of me said I needed some time away, that this time
would tell me for sure one way or the other what needed to be done and if
we were meant to be.
	As the flight wore on, I heard the usual announcements, they really
do try and dumb things down..perhaps to much, I mean if you can't put a
safety belt on the right way there is a small problem there, I mean its
push and click. BUT I just humored the stewardess, and did as they said,
and eventually my mind, being as worn out as it was, drifted off into
sleep. I started dreaming of the lost island paradise, that cove I used to
go to, in the middle of no where. In the middle of a deserted island, in
what should have been the worst time in a person's life, I managed to find
one of the most significant things I had ever seen. It was pure, untainted
by the greed of man. Unscathed by the raw impurities that humans seem to
put into just about everything they touch. Me being just as guilty as the
next. I dreamed about the time when I was flying with the birds, and free
as the wind. I remember the feeling of utter bliss coming over me, as I
reveled in the pure beauty of nature. One of the things we don't do enough
in life, relish in the simple beauty of things.  The beauty that soon
disappears. Too often not taking a minute to just stop and look at things
in nature, the beauty a tree gives in autumn as the leaves turn, and the
flowers in mid summer. It made me think of the simplest things in life. And
then there was Brian's face.


**** Back At The Conference

	The guys had heard the end of the phone call. Brian tried his best
to stay in his seat and not leave after it, but the feeling was just too
much for him. The guys all realized what was about to happen, and Kevin
stood up and addressed the crowd "I'm sorry folks, but its been a really
emotional day, and I am afraid we have to go." With that Brian turned and
walked away, waiting long enough for the excuse to be said and then leaving
the area. As he went to the back, he saw his mother waiting with the look
on her face that said she knew he was hurt. He went right to her and the
tears started falling. One after another the tears racked his face, and he
cried on her shoulder. She had heard the phone call, and even Nick had a
few tears on his face, as he hugged Kevin close. So close Kevin was having
a hard time breathing, but endured it knowing Nick was hurt, and rubbing
Nick's back. Yet he wasn't sure if he was doing it to console Nick, or
himself. AJ and Howie even found themselves almost in tears. As I had
touched them all in different ways throughout the short time I was there.
	Jackie could feel for her son, for she too was at this point in her
life once, with a love that left her, although she was never sure it was
her true love. In Fact it was a blessing in disguise as shortly after she
met Harold, and made a glorious life for herself and her kids whom she
loved very very much. She could only wonder if that's what was happening
here, but deep down she knew it wasn't. She knew that was his true love
walking away, without fighting, and she couldn't for the life of her figure
out why or what to say, all she could do was to do her best to console her
son and hope it all worked out.


*****Back in Worcester

	I had gotten back to my small apartment after landing in
Boston. Some things never change. The airport was busy and no one was
waiting for me. I amazed myself when thinking someone actually cared enough
to wait at the airport for me, but I just went home. My machine had a few
messages, no doubt people wondering why I hadn't called them by now, though
I didn't bother to check them, as all I wanted to do was take a nice, long,
hot shower and let the water wash away the grim of the past few weeks. Let
me get my head straight and clear, and sit down to watch some TV. So
without but putting my bags down, not even unpacking I went straight into
the bathroom and started the hot water, easing just enough cold water on so
I knew I could stand in the shower and not be burned.
	I Quickly undressed and jumped into the shower, allowing the water
to fall all over my body. I just stood there for awhile, probably close to
half an hour, and all I could think of was Brian. I slowly just fell to the
ground of the tub and cried, for leaving, for not being there, for not
forgiving, and not being honest to myself. In my quest to shut people out
and not be hurt I had managed to hurt myself more than anyone ever
could. Eventually I washed up and got out, more because the water went cold
than anything else, and finally turned the machine on to get my messages,

*Beeeeep!* "You have 5 messages" the mechanical voice told me. "Message
one" I heard James's voice pour into the room "Hey Jon, where have ya been,
haven't heard from you in awhile, you OK? Give me a call, love ya J.G.G." I
smiled hearing his voice, its true I hadn't called him in forever. "Message
2" by now I had gotten the pad to write who I needed to call back. "Hey
Jon, it's Kate, haven't heard from you..in...well almost forever, where did
you disappear to? Did something happen? Call me Jon, and By the way I got
the SWEEEEEETEST picture of JC you just HAVE to see. Later, Kate." I
smiled, she could always find a way to put a smile on my face. "Message
Three" "Jon, where did you go, I haven't seen you online, or heard from you
in weeks, its James hun, and I'm worried, give me a ring, luv ya J.G.G." I
looked at the pad, and marked an XX by James's name to show it was
twice. "Message Four" "Hi Jon" a sniffle is heard as if the person on the
other end was crying. "Jon..it's Nick" I heard him say that and immediately
my heart sank, but at least I knew that Nick still had the number. "Jon, I
can't I can't believe you left. We just heard the phone call and your
really gone aren't you? Well I guess we should thank you for all you've
helped us with, Especially on the island, and for calling the station so we
didn't have to explain who you were, it was really nice, nice of you." I
could hear Nick getting choked up while he was on the phone, I had just
hoped Kevin would be there to hold him, he sounded like that's all he
wanted right now, was something solid, stable, and there. "Well I got to go
Jon, see ya later, Nick." I could hear a few sniffles before he hung up the
phone. And I wrote his name down, and found my pad was covered in tears. I
hadn't even realized I was crying, but I was. I large part of me never left
them, and never could. "Message Five" A tentative voice spoke into the
phone "Jon..its Brian, I just called to say thank you, for all you've done
for us. I know it was wrong for me to get this phone number the way I did,
but I had to call you and tell you that I still love you Jon, and I want to
be with you.... I can't imagine being without you, but now its a bitter
reality. Please come back Jon, we all miss you, especially me. If not,
please at least call us and let us know your OK, don't stop being friends
with the guys because of what I did, its not fair to them. They don't have
enough good true friends, and its not fair for our problems to hurt them
too." I could hear the despair in his voice, as well as the pure emotions,
I knew it took a lot for him to make that call but I still didn't know how
or what to do anymore. My head was spinning, and I could feel a large pain
in my head. I ran to the toilet, and started to throw up, feeling my
stomach churning, and my head pounding. I knew it was a migraine when the
feeling got so intense, my eyes burned, and the light was actually fueling
the headache.
	I slowly found my way to the bed, and laid down covering my face
with a thick blanket to keep the light out, and drifted off into a fitful
rest. My head just being there, hurting, finally after looking at my clock
I noticed it was only a few hours after I went to bed, so I assumed it was
a day and a few hours cause the headache was gone, and I know that takes a
lot of rest to do, and two, there was another message on the machine, but I
ignored it, not really in the mood to hear from anyone at the moment, I
just wanted to be alone in my misery. Its funny how they say misery loves
company, cause mine just seemed to like me all alone. I got up and signed
on-line, another thing I hadn't done in forever, and started checking my
mail. Or rather seeing I had 823 mails, and decided against it.
	So instead I made dinner, and got a soda, and started to type out
emails to say hello to people and started calling people back. I talked to
Kate for like 2 hours and she still was raving about the most GORGEOUS
picture of JC she had found, and I laughed.  Even if I had told her all
about what had happened (assuming Gracie hadn't) there was no way she'd
believe me. But we just talked for awhile about everything and nothing all
at once. Then the phone rang soon as I hung up. I figured it was Kate
telling me again how I HAD to see this picture, so I answered smiling "Hi
Kate, yes picture, JC, in mail, gotcha."  Then a confused James voice came
through "What about JC hun? And mail? And its James, I can't believe you
already forgot me you Ham." I could hear the smile on the other end. He was
always so cheerful. It took a lot to get that man down. "Well I was calling
to check in, haven't heard from you in so long I wanted to make sure
everything was ok." "Yeah James, everything is alright." I tried to hide
all the pain and disappointment from my voice, but I should have known
better with James, he wasn't having any of that. "Well Jon, you know I'm
here when your ready to talk, I know something's bothering you, but you'll
tell me when your ready." We had just gone on and on, as if nothing had
happened and not a second had passed since we had last talked it was really
quite refreshing, I hung up the phone, and just smiled.



TBC....i KNOW its been awhile,, and I wanted to put SO much more into this
release, but I figure this should hold over well till the next release (no
this isn't the end, not yet J ) so till next time. This is Jon.  PS. I HOPE
all you guys (and gals) support Brian and Kevin in their decision to get
married, I mean they shouldn't HAVE to tell us, but they did, and I keep
hearing people say they aren't listening to the music now, which frankly
angers me a bit. One of my sisters friends said if Nick gets married she's
killing herself. A bit eccentric? I think so.