Date: Tue, 4 Jan 2000 22:11:20 -0800
From: CrazyStar <crazystar@canoemail.com>
Subject: crazy7

*'Sup? All the previous disclaimers and stuff hold true yo. Stay
cool. :)

Crazy
Chapter 7

Lance was shocked to say the least. He was totally clueless as
to what could have happened to make Ryan freak out like that. He
had never seen someone so scared and afraid. It was like Ryan
had seen a ghost or something. Ryan's face had been completely
drained of colour, his eyes were a strange gray colour, and the
tears... It had been a long time since he had seen anyone cry
like that. Not since... Tiffany. But, no that couldn't be it. He
was out there with Justin, and neither of the two were attracted
to other guys; were they? No, Lance decided, if Justin had any
tendencies towards guys he would have heard about it by now.
Lance shook his head to rid the lingering thoughts from his mind
so that he could focus on the task at hand.

As Lance walked outside to find Justin, he thought about how it
always seemed like when something crazy went on, that Josh took
the lead. It was different when they were dealing with business
stuff, because Lance always had total control in those
situations. But when it came to personal stuff, Josh was always
the one who knew exactly what to do in order to make things
right. He wondered if Josh knew what was going on. Oh well, it
didn't really matter did it, because Justin would fill him in,
right? He hoped.

Lance found Justin half-hanging out of the hot tub, sobbing like
a mother who had just lost her only child in a terrible
accident. Immediately, Lance turned to the side of him that was
totally comforting and caring. It hurt him to see his friends
upset. And in this case, not just one, but two friends, seemed
to be in a lot of pain. He knew that he had to do whatever he
could to fix the situation. He quickly approached Justin and
pulled the wet, sobbing friend into a deep hug to try and calm
him. Justin was shaking. But he wasn't sure if it was from the
cold, or if it was due to whatever had happened between him and
Ryan just a few minutes ago.

"Just?" Lance patted his back, and climbed into the tub with
him. It was a good thing that he was still wearing his bathing
suit. "What's wrong buddy?  What happened?" There was nothing
but fear and anguish in Justin's eyes. Something really terrible
had happened between the two friends.

"I...I...I..." Justin was stuttering and Lance was having
trouble understanding what he was trying to say, so Lance pulled
Justin into another hug hoping that it would calm him down
enough so that he was able to talk. A zillion emotions became
built up inside of Lance; the most prominent one at this point
being sadness. He let a few tears drop from his own eyes as he
released a huge sigh.

"Do you wanna go inside and get changed first? I mean, you'll
feel a lot better if you told someone what happened. At least I
always do. Ok Just?" Justin just hung his head staring at the
bubbles in the water. Lance didn't think that Justin was going
to move, so he grabbed Justin's hand and lead him out of the hot
tub, and then across the lawn into the house. Lance had to
practically drag Justin upstairs to his room. He went through
Justin's drawers and grabbed a pair of blue plaid boxers, a
white t-shirt and a pair of gray Nike sweatpants for Justin to
put on before pushing him into the bathroom. "Here. Get changed
Just, ok?" Justin nodded and slowly closed the door. The sadness
remained in the room even after he had disappeared from it.

Lance borrowed some clothes and quickly changed before Justin
came back into the room. It wasn't really necessary to rush
though, because it took Justin almost twenty minutes to
reappear. Lance didn't think that it was possible for Justin to
have looked any worse than when he went into the washroom; Lance
had been wrong. Justin looked like he was going to die. By now,
Lance was starting to get upset. It hurt him that Justin wasn't
telling him what was going on. Justin just sat there on his bed
staring at his bare feet.

"Just?" Justin didn't say anything. Lance finally broke down and
starting to cry and he started to rant. "Justin look. I've got
no clue what happened. I want to help you, but there's not a
whole lot that I can do if I don't know what happened. Please?
I'm scared. I don't know what could've upset the two of you so
bad. Ryan looked so bad; he almost passed out before making it
upstairs to talk with JC. And now you look like you're about to
die. Justin, please, let me help you... please... please?"

"L-l-lance... I... I can't. I mean..." Lance didn't think that
Justin could have cried anymore, but he started again.

"Why? Justin? Why? There's nothing you can't tell me. I will
always be there for you. No matter what. I don't know what you
think is so bad that you can't tell me. I mean, I'm your friend.
I'm not going to ditch you just because you tell me something
that I might not want to hear. But I do *snif* I want to be here
for you now.... Just? Let me help. I promise, I won't get mad or
anything. Please?" Justin looked up and saw the sincere look in
Lance's eyes and knew that Lance wouldn't run away.

"Ok... I mean... all right." Justin sighed deeply before
continuing. "Lance, I... I like Ryan."

"Yeah, of course ya do buddy. We all do."

"No! I mean, I don't just like him... I *like* him. Ya get?"

"Oh." Lance sat there and thought about it for a second. Justin
liked guys?  Or at least one guy. Woah. "Cool Just." Lance knew
he needed to be completely supportive. Justin almost perked up
for a second. He must have a pretty bad crush. "So what
happened?" He pleaded for him to continue.

"Umh... I kissed, him." After Justin had said the word kissed he
almost smiled, but then as the memory of Ryan running away after
the kiss flooded back into his head he started to get upset
again and raised his voice. "But he ran away Lance. WHY? Why did
he run away. I mean *snif* he did kiss me back, but he ran
away..." Justin grabbed onto Lance and sobbed into his shoulder.
Lance didn't know what to do. He didn't know what to say. He had
a pretty good idea as to why Ryan would've run away. I mean, can
you imagine, after being assaulted by someone and then having
one of your friends kiss you. He must've been afraid from
remembering what had happened a little over six months ago. He
didn't think that Justin knew about that, so he couldn't tell
him that. Lance wondered if it was just the realisation that
Ryan had been kissed by another guy that made him run away. He
knew what he felt like when he was coming to grips with being
bi. Everything had been messed up, and he spent hours crying
because he didn't know what else to do. He hadn't asked to be
made like that, but God didn't give him that chance y'know?
Maybe that was just it. He was about to say that when there was
a quiet knock on the door.

****

"Justin?" My voice was totally hoarse from all the crying I had
been doing. I was afraid, but Josh was there in the hallway.
Before I had knocked he had whispered to me that he'd be right
out here if he needed me. I nodded slowly before knocking. There
was nothing but silence emanating from Justin's room. I was
starting to think that there was anyone in there until Lance
slowly opened the door.

Lance gave me a funny look as he slid past me. It was either a
really goofy look of encouragement, or it was a look of complete
and utter confusion. I wasn't sure, but I knew that there was
something that I had to do besides standing in the hallway
trying to figure out the message that Lance was sending me. I
let out a long deep sigh before entering the room.

"Just..." He didn't look up. He kept staring at the floor, and I
could see tears falling from the tip of his nose. I suddenly
felt incredibly nervous. I mean, what if he changed his mind
after Josh had helped me figure everything out. I almost turned
and left the room, but I convinced myself that I had to do this.
No matter what happened. I had to tell him how I really felt.
Besides, I knew that if I had turned around that Josh would've
just sent me right back in there again. "Just..." I walked up to
him, and lifted his chin with my finger so that he could see my
eyes. At first he resisted, but then he gave up and let me move
his chin. My heart sank into my feet when I saw the look on his
face. But I knew that I had to keep going. "I'm sorry. Just...
I'm soo sorry." His eyes which were barely open before were now
wide open and full of curiosity, and maybe even a little bit of
shock. "I mean, I was really scared earlier. I didn't mean to
run away... I... I... I liked it Justin.  I'm sorry." I hung my
head down sat down on the bed a few feet away from Justin.

I didn't know what else to say. I couldn't cry anymore. I'd
already done more than enough of that. As far as I was concerned
there wasn't much more I could do. Except, well... "Just?" I
kept my head down, but I could see out of the corner of my eyes
that Justin's head had snapped in my direction. "I, uh.. I have,
umh, feelings for you."  I know that he had taken a chance in
the hot tub, and I was willing to take a chance now. I had to do
it. I'd end up kicking myself for a long time if I didn't. I
turned to look at him, and he was smiling.

"I know." Justin whispered as he reached for my hand. He softly
squeezed my hand. "I know Ry. I do too." He smiled showing off
his pearly white teeth.  For the second time that night I was
completely shocked. I mean, I should've known that he wasn't
going to change his mind, but... you never know.

A whole new wave of emotions came crashing over me. I couldn't
tell if it was happiness, or extreme exhaustion. At this point
there were only two types of emotions that I could have: good or
bad. These emotions were definitely good. In fact, I'd have to
say that these emotions were extremely awesome. It had been a
really long time since I had felt this way. For the first time
in months I felt... completely relaxed and free. All because of
the totally kick ass guy sitting on the bed right next to me.

Justin was looking at me with this curious look on his face. He
was still smiling, but he was also beaming. When I looked over
at him it looked like he had been studying my face. It was as if
he was memorising all the features of my head. His look was one
of complete concentration. He looked so cute. He looked like he
had been pondering the writings of Aristotle or something in an
old and highly sophisticated European church. I couldn't hold it
in any more. I had to give into the urge to kiss him. And I
did...

I didn't know whether I should consider this out first kiss or
our second. Really, I couldn't care right now. All I knew was
that he was right here with me, and he felt the same way that I
did. It was something greater than either of us. Something so
powerful that it was sending electrical jolts throughout my body
as my soft lips were pressed against his. I could spend forever
just like this. Here, with Justin. I drew my arms around him and
pulled him tight. We released the powerful kiss that had
initiated the close contact between the two of us, and enjoyed
the feeling of each others' contact. The warmth between us
totally put me at ease and I started to drift off into sleep.

Well, at least until Justin began to run his fingers through my
blond hair and whispered into my ear. "Ry?"

"Mmmm hmmm?" I was starting to feel sleep take over, but I
fought it just because I could never deprive Just of anything,
ever. I would feel forever in debt to him for all the pain that
I had caused him.

"You're still in you swimming shorts dude. You've gotta change,
k?" Justin's voice was soft and it was sending chills down my
spine.

"Huh?"

"Now that I've got you I'm not going to let you catch pneumonia.
You've gotta get changed." Justin started to giggle lightly and
I smiled at the care he was showing me; yet again. Justin was
amazing. For some reason, well Justin was the reason, I felt
completely safe, and if he wanted me to do something I was going
to do it. I smiled.

"K." I let go of him, but he didn't let go of my hand. He was
determined to maintain contact with me, and y'know I totally
wasn't going to argue with him. Just stood up with me as I went
in search of my boxers and shorts. When I found them on the
floor in the corner of Justin's room I picked them up and
reluctantly tried to let go of Justin's hand. He wouldn't let go
though. "Just, I've gotta get dressed. Just like you said. I'll
be right back. I promise." With that Justin pulled me close and
quickly kissed me on the cheek. He slowly let go of my hand, as
I trudged towards the bathroom. I turned to look at him one last
time before closing the door. "Right back." I whispered to him,
and with that I closed the door.

****

Lance had his ear up against the door. "I don't hear anything
Josh."

"Hmmm..." JC twisted his face as he thought about what could be
happening in there. There were two major options: either they
were both sitting there staring at the floor not saying
anything, or... they had made up and were enjoying the company
of one another. Josh seriously hoped that it was the latter.

"What do you think is going on in there?" Lance was worried. He
supposed that hearing nothing was probably a good sign. At least
they weren't trying to kill each other. Not that they would.
'They're both mature' he thought... 'maybe they were making
out?' Lance's pink, southern lips curled up into a broad smile
at that thought. That would be cool.

"I dunno Scoop..." The door to Justin's room opened abruptly and
Justin stood there with a huge grin on his face. The two guys in
the hall were both kinda shocked at first. The last thing they
had expected was for the door to open.

" 'Sup guys?" The goofy look on Justin's face was totally
comical and both Josh and Lance had to stifle their giggles.
Josh immediately took command of the scene.

"Not much Just. Are... are you guys ok?" JC was pretty sure that
everything was fine, but he had to ask in order to put his mind
completely at ease.

"Yup. We're totally cool. But I think that Ryan's going to crash
soon. He's pretty exhausted y'know, so I'm gonna let him have my
bed and I'm gonna sleep on the floor yo."

"What happened?" Sometimes Lance let all the peroxide get to his
head and didn't think too much before he says something;
especially when he was tired. JC lightly punched him in the
shoulder to get him to shut up. "Ow!" Lance whined and started
to rub his arm.

"We all need to sit down and have a chat guys... but not now.
We'll do it in the mornin' k? Cuz we all need to get some decent
shut eye before we talk yo." Justin smiled. He'd never felt so
incredible before. It had only been a few minutes and he already
missed Ryan. JC nodded in complete understanding.

"A'ight Just. Have a good night then k bro?" Josh stepped up to
Justin and gave him a deep, brotherly hug and whispered in his
ear. "Way to go Just." They both smiled at each other as Lance
budged in.

"You've definitely got some beans to spill boy, but I can wait
'til the morning. I'm going to crash here in the guest room as
long as that's cool."

"For sure Lance. I'll catch ya in the morning." Just gave Lance
props before Lance pulled him into a quick hug in the dimly lit
hallway.

"Thanks J. G'night." Lance's southern accent actually seemed to
get thicker the longer he was awake.

****

I took a long look at myself in the mirror. I was trying to see
what it was that Justin saw in me. I totally knew what it was
that I saw in him: a completely cool person... someone who was
talented, intelligent, thoughtful, caring, cute... the list went
on. But I really couldn't figure it out. Why? Something in my
brain told me to shut up and not knock it. It also told me that
Justin himself was the only one that could answer that question
for me, and that it was totally no use to try and figure it out
on my own.

With that I slid the still somewhat damp bathing suit down my
legs. I very quickly dried off and whipped on my Gap plaid
boxers, smoothly sliding my shorts over top of them. I looked in
the mirror again to make sure that I looked all right. I was
pretty amazed that after everything my hair was somewhat decent.
Usually after being in a pool it goes all crazy and fluffy, but
it was just lying flat on my head as if I had brushed it all
forwards. My eyes were still a little red and puffy around the
edges, and they were definitely bloodshot. They were also giving
off this freaky blue colour; they were cold and looked like ice.
I was kinda entranced by them.

When I finally broke back to normal I decided it was time that I
went back to Justin. Everything would be ok then. I slowly
opened the door and saw Justin standing in his door waving
goodnight to who must be Lance and JC. Before he even noticed I
was back in the room the door was closed and he let out a long
sigh.

"Thank you." He said out loud. His back was facing me. I knew
who he was talking to, and it wasn't me. But I couldn't contain
my need for him to be close any longer. I crept up to him and
wrapped my arms around him letting him know that I was totally
there. I could feel the tension in his body leave as he
completely relaxed in my arms. It was such an awesome feeling,
Just standing there with him... feeling him... smelling him- he
smelled so good; like a... I don't know how to describe it, but
his scent was to me like the smell of candy is to a six
year-old- being with him.

Our hands found each other and our fingers became intertwined.
Justin spun me around so that I was facing him and he kissed me.
I felt his tongue probing my mouth and so I let him in. Somehow
we managed to get to the bed and I laid down. I loved this, but
I was definitely tired and was starting to give in to my body's
need for sleep. I wasn't going to last much longer...

****

I opened my eyes and found myself in a dark hotel room. My hotel
room. What the hell was going on? Where was Justin? How did I
get back here? I picked up my watch and looked at the time.
Tears started falling like rain in storm. My body started to
shake. I couldn't see anymore. I screamed.

"NOOOOOOOO!"

It was Tuesday morning. That was the day that I met Justin.

"What the fuck? ARGH!"

Sobs overtook my body. How could this happen? This couldn't have
been a dream. No, no, no, no! I loved him. It happened; I swear
it did. I was there. He was there. Josh and Lance were there
too. "This is not allowed to be a dream!" I... I had waited so
long to find someone that cared for me like I was a person. It's
not fair.

"Justin!"

****

"Ryan? Are you ok?" I awoke with a start, and opened my
eyes--only to see Justin here, holding me. He looked afraid.
"What happened Ry? You just screamed No, and something about
this can't be a dream..." There were tears in his crystal blue
eyes, again because of me. Except this time, it was out of
concern, and not sadness. My heart leaped into my throat at the
thought of loosing him now.

"Just?" Not only my words, but also my own eyes begged of him.

"What?" He whispered back to me. The entire time he was holding
me and rubbing little circular patterns all over my naked back.

"Can you promise me something?" I swallowed hard and an audible
"gulp" was heard as I tried to swallow the gigantic lump in my
throat.

"Anything."

"Don't ever disappear. I need you." I smiled at him. It had only
been a few days since I had known him, and it had only been a
few hours since I had been able to openly express my feelings
for him, but I knew now that I loved him. Some might think that
it was way too premature to say that. But I knew it. Sometimes
all the laws of the civilized world have to be thrown out of the
window; all because we were equipped with a strange organ that
seemed to make reason unreasonable. The heart was a strange
thing, but when it tells you something you need to listen to it.
If you don't... you might not know what you could be missing.
And there was no way that I wanted to miss this. I knew that I
loved him because my heart told me I did. It has nothing to do
with the fact that I was lonely before. It isn't even affected
by the fact that I had never truly loved someone before. For
that matter, I had never ever really understood what love was
before this. But now I knew. And I'm so sure, that I'd risk my
life on it. I've never been so sure of something in my life.

I grabbed Justin's free hand from where it was laying on the
forest green sheet. I turned to look iinto those brillant eyes of
his, and whispered, "I love you."

********************


Ok, that's it... that's all you're gonna get. Props to Jeff for
helping me with the editing stuff. Go read his story "Twist of
Fate." It's way too cool. Til next time y'all... oh yeah, and
have a totally CRUNK New Year! :)