Date: Sun, 02 Jul 2000 18:22:06 -0400
From: Rachel <rel24@drexel.edu>
Subject: Crying Like a Church on Monday

Author's notes at the end
* a few people have read parts of this story when it was titled 'Maybe
Today.' *

Disclaimer: This story is fiction. I do not know the Backstreet Boys. And
frankly, it's really none of my business what happens in their personal
life. This is just a story that popped out of my strange mind and ended up
here. Also this is a story that involves homosexual themes, so if you
aren't allowed to read a story about two men in love with little more then
kissing in it, GET OUT! You have been warned.



		Crying Like a Church on Monday


i was dancing with your shadow



	I guess I should have seen it coming. Everything was too perfect.
I was too happy. I don't deserve that much happiness. Seven years
though. Seven years. I'm 28 now so that's a quarter of my life spent
with her. We were going to get married in June. Only a few short weeks
away actually. I guess I should have seen it coming.

	It still hurts though, knowing that someone who's been a part of
my life for so long isn't going to be there ever again. She was pretty
adamant that it was over.

	"Kevin! Kevin!" Someone shook my arm and I blinked, breaking
myself out of my musings. My cousin Brian was looking at me with
concern written all over his face.

	"You missed your entrance Kev. Is everything okay?" He knew she
had left me so why ask if I'm okay.

	"I guess I lost track of where we were. Sorry."

	"It's okay. Just try and pay attention this time. The sooner we
get finished the sooner we can all go home."

	Home. My home was filled with reminders of her. Everywhere I
looked I would see something that was important, somehow, in our life
together.

	I let my gaze drift out from the immediate vicinity of the booth.
AJ was crashed on the couch, a hat covering his face. Nick and Howie
were playing cards. My lack of concentration was forcing them to stick
around longer then they had to.

	"Okay you guys ready?" Mike, our engineer asked Brian and me
through the headphones.

	"Yeah we're ready."

	Mike cued up the music and Brian began to sing. I watched him
closely so I didn't drift away again. Then I saw her out of the corner
of my eye.

	"Kristen!" I shouted as I threw off my headphones and ran out of
the booth. The woman who had walked into the studio turned to look at
me.

	It wasn't Kristen. Actually she didn't look like Kristen at all.
I could feel the color spreading across my face as everyone stared at
me. Mike sighed and turned off the backing music again.

	"Why don't we take a few minutes guys." Mike stood up and
stretched.

	"Actually let's call it a day." Nick said handing the cards to
Howie and standing up.

	I knew Mike wanted to argue that but he looked around at the
faces of the other people in the room and decided against it. I leaned
against the wall and slid to the floor, trying to disappear.

	Howie woke up AJ and Brian stepped out of the booth. They were
all looking at me. I guess I did cause a little bit of a scene but I
could swear that it was her.

	Nick walked over to me with a smile. Nicky, my littlest brother.
The one I can always count on when I need him the most. I smiled wanly
at him as he sat down next to me.

	"What do you say to grabbing a case of Coronas and a couple of
steaks? The boat is all ready to go. We'll have a Kevin/Nick night."

	I shrugged. "I don't know if I'm in the mood Nick." Nick threw
his arm over my shoulder, resting his head gently against my own.

	"Don't care if you're in the mood or not. You're coming with me."

	I listened to Nick breath for a few minutes as I thought about
his order. Nick and I hadn't always been close. As a matter of a fact I
found him to be incredibly annoying when we first started out. He was
only 13 so he acted like a kid and an insecure kid at that. Then he
began to need me to talk to. That's when I realized that the little kid
that I took care of wasn't a little kid and he had some real issues to
deal with.

	The first Kevin/Nick night on the boat had only taken place about
two years ago. Nick was 18 and I was 26. He had to tell me something
important and he needed me to listen. That's when Nick told me he was
gay. I don't know what he expected me to do when he told me, but I
don't think I reacted the way he had thought I was going to.

	He was Nicky. So what if he's gay. I still love him. So in the
past two years, we've grown even closer because of the secret I kept
for him. The other guys were told about three months ago. So far no one
seemed to have a real problem with it. Which was good, 'cause I would
have to kick their asses if they hurt Nicky.

	It was kind of interesting actually. After Nick told me he was
gay, I lost any reservations I had about holding back any affection
towards him. I've always been an affectionate person for the most part.
I had held back more with Nick over the years because he seemed to be
uncomfortable with it. After he came out, he began to accept my hugs
much more readily. Now he would hug me whenever he felt like it.

	"I guess I don't have a choice do I?" I said to him softly,
reaching for his hand and squeezing it tightly.

	I saw Brian give us a strange look, but he quickly looked away,
instead turning to see if AJ was ready to go home yet. Up until a year
ago, Brian, AJ, and I lived together. I moved in with Kristen, leaving
the two of them alone. Brian wasn't home that often anymore, instead
choosing to spend more time at Leighanne's house. I don't think it
really bothered AJ at all. It gave him more time alone with Amanda.

	"Are you going with Nick?" Howie squatted down next to me. He had
driven me in this morning so I didn't have to worry about my car.

	"Yeah." I looked away from him and back at Brian. I caught his
eyes again. I can't read Brian anymore. I used to be able to read him
like an open book. Both of us have changed over the years in the band.

	"You two be careful and don't drive the boat while drinking."
Howie said in a scolding tone. Nick lowered his eyes.

	"We only drove the boat drunk once." Nick said softly. "And
nothing bad happened."

	"I was just joking Nick. You didn't really drive the boat while
you were drunk did you?" Howie's eyes opened wide at this revelation.

	"Leave him alone Howie. I made him do it." I said angrily. I
didn't want him to upset Nick.

	"Okay Kev. I'll leave Nicky alone. Sorry." Howie stood up and
walked away from us.

	AJ yawned and waved as he walked out of the studio. AJ's been
very distant lately. I think being in the band was starting to bother
him. I firmly believe that AJ's going to leave after this record and
tour.

	"I'm hitching a ride with AJ today. I'll see you guys tomorrow."
Brian said waving as he followed AJ out.

	Howie looked at the two of us again. "Promise me you will be
careful. I don't want to get a call from the police or the hospital."

	Ever the vigilant parent, Howie had been even more worried about
the rest of us since the last tour ended and we headed back into the
studio. Sometimes, like now, his concern was unfounded, but I
understood having played the role of 'Daddy Kevin' for so long.

	"Thanks Howie, but we'll be okay." Nick smiled at him warmly,
trying to convey to Howie that we really would be fine.

	Howie nodded and looked over at me. I looked away, not wanting to
meet his eyes because I would get a lecture from him about dwelling on
her.

	"I'll see you guys tomorrow." Howie turned and left. I let out a
sigh of relief when the door shut leaving Nick and me alone finally.

	"You're really tense around them aren't you?" Nick asked me as he
gently rubbed my hand with his thumb.

	"I wish I knew why. I just feel like they don't trust me
anymore." I rested my head on Nick's shoulder, feeling safe and loved
for the first time all day.

	"It's not you Kevin, it's me." Nick said softly. "You're the only
one who is really comfortable with me. The other three are just going
through the motions."

	"That's not true." I protested even though I knew the validity of
his statement. The look Brian was giving him and I was enough to
convince me of that.

	"Kevin it's okay. Honestly it is." Nick pulled his hand away
gently and started to stand up. I pulled him back down, taking his face
in my hands.

	"If they ever say anything to you, promise you'll tell me. I
don't want them hurting you."

	Nick lowered his eyes, trying not to meet my own eyes. "I will
Kevin. I promise."

	"Good." I leaned forward and kissed his nose softly. Nick giggled
like he always did when I did that to him. He told me once that it
reminded him of when his mother would kiss him goodnight when he was
little.

	"Are you ready for some beer and beef Kevin?" Nick looked me in
the eye this time, a smile playing across his soft lips.

	"Yeah I guess so."




slow down memories hall I said wait




	"Do you remember when you knew you were in love with Kristen?"
Nick asked me as we stared up at the stars.

	"We were both working at Disney. I was Aladdin and she was Ariel.
Kristen finally agreed to have dinner with me. About halfway through
the dinner I realized that she had captured my heart. I've loved her
ever since."

	Nick reached over from his deck chair and squeezed my hand. I
nodded slowly, fighting back the tears that were threatening to fall.

	"Kevin. You can cry out here. No one is watching."

	I looked over at him, blinking rapidly to be able to see him
through the tears. I nodded again and let the tears fall. I began to
sob, horrible shuddering sobs. I hadn't cried yet. I couldn't seem to
let myself do it. I've just been dead since she left me.

	I could feel arms around me, holding me tightly. I didn't know
who was stroking my hair. I clutched at the arms, pulling the person
closer to me. I buried my head in the strong chest. Arms wrapped around
me again, gently rubbing my back as I sobbed.

	The tears kept on coming, soaking through Nick's shirt. I was
sure it was Nick holding me. I could hear his voice as he talked to me,
telling me that everything was okay. Just keep on crying he said.
Crying is good for me. He sounds like he's at the end of a long tunnel.

	Nicky. My little Nicky. The man holding me was all grown-up. He
didn't need me to take care of him anymore. Another person walking out
of my life.

	I pulled away from Nick and looked at him.

	"You're going to leave me too." My voice sounded thick, like my
tongue didn't know how to work anymore.

	"Why do you say that Kevin?"

	"You don't need me anymore."

	Nick took my face in his hands. "Kevin you are my best friend.
I'm always going to need you in my life."

	The tears began again. Nick pulled me to him, letting me cry on
his shoulder.

	"I wish I could make you feel better Kev. I wish I could take
your pain away." Nick whispered softly as he gently stroked my hair. I
snuggled up against him relishing the feeling of someone holding me.
The tears stopped.

	I lifted my head slightly so I could see Nick's face. Those
gentle blue eyes stared down at me with love. I lifted my hand and
stroked his cheek softly. I watched him lean into the touch of my hand,
closing his eyes briefly to enjoy the feeling.

	For some reason me heart soared at my ability to bring a little
happiness to Nick just by touching him. I knew he was lonely. It wasn't
easy for him to talk to people, much less open himself up enough to
admit he was attracted to someone.

	"Nicky I'm sorry." I said to him softly. Nick gently squeezed his
arms around me. "Why are you sorry?"

	"Because I haven't been the friend you've needed. I've been too
wrapped up in my own life to pay attention to yours."

	"Oh Kev." Nick whispered. "You've been a great friend. You've
stood by me despite the attitudes of the other three. Without you I
probably couldn't deal with them."

	"Are they really that bad?" I settled myself basically on top of
him. He stretched his legs out on the deck chair, leaning back against
the back of the chair. I rested my head on his chest, letting my legs
fall on top of his. Nick rested his arms on my back.

	Nick shrugged. "They have their good days and their bad days.
Most of the time they just avoid the subject which is fine with me. But
other days it's just unbearable."

	Nick paused. "Last week Brian and I went out shopping. Nothing
major, just usual stuff. I needed a new pair of jeans. He needed some
dress shirts. So we went together."

	"I offered to go into the dressing room with Brian while he tried
the shirts on, like we always did before. Brian practically pushed me
away from him, telling me that there was no way a faggot like me was
going to watch him change."

	I could hear the change in Nick's voice when he told me what
Brian had said. The pain wasn't hidden at all. It was bare and visible
to anyone who cared enough to listen.

	I sat up, forgetting about my own pain and looked at the face of
my best friend. Nick's eyes were filled with unshed tears and his lower
lip was quivering.

	"Nicky why didn't you tell me about that?"

	"Because you don't need to solve my problems for me Kev. I'm an
adult. If people have a problem with the fact that I'm gay, then that's
their problem not mine."

	"Nick these are your band mates, not strangers on the street.
Brian is your best friend. How can you say that it's not your problem?"

	I tried to pull away from Nick to look at him. Nick held me
tightly.

	"Kevin I've spent my whole life dealing with myself. I've finally
come to terms with being gay. If the rest of the world can't deal with
it, it's their problem, not mine. I got past my hang-ups. I just want
to live my life."

	I settled back against Nick to think about what he had said. I
guess I could see where Brian was coming from. My parents had been the
exception in the family. They raised the three of us to be open-minded
and to think for ourselves. Brian's parents were the norm. Harold and
Jackie had raised him to be a God-fearing, Bible-spouting Baptist. He
believed everything that the Bible told him. No wonder he was having
problems reconciling the Nick he has known for years with this new
piece of information that differed from his ingrained views.

	I don't know how long I laid on top of Nick, just holding him
closely and thinking to myself. I felt him shift under me.

	"Kevin?"

	"Yeah Nick?"

	"Can you get up? My legs are falling asleep."

	"Oh yeah. Sorry." I got up and took Nick's deck chair instead. I
sat on the edge and looked at Nick.

	"What are you staring at?" He shifted uncomfortably under my
gaze. Nick reached for another beer as he waited for my answer.

	"You. Sometimes I just can't believe how much you've grown up
over the years. It amazes me."

	Nick laughed, tilting the Corona back to take a drink. "We've
been together for a long time Kev. I had to grow up one of these days.
Believe me, I fought it as much as I could."

	I grinned and reached for another beer myself. Nick and I had
been doing a fairly good job of taking care of the case of Coronas we
had bought earlier that evening. Dinner was over a long time ago. We
had just been staring at the stars and talking. Or just sitting in
silence drinking our beers.

	The guys used to bug us about what we did when we went out on the
boat all night long alone. Nick never offered to take any of them on
the boat so they were always curious. I doubt they would really be that
interested in what we did. We ate dinner, drank a lot, talked, cried,
and passed out. It never changed. And both of us loved every minute of
it.

	"I went to visit the family the other day." Nick said to me,
breaking the silence.

	"How's the Carter clan doing?"

	I could see the grin on Nick's face even in the darkness. "Great.
BJ got straight A's last term. And Leslie and Aaron are both on Little
League teams."

	"How's Mom and Dad?"

	Nick chuckled as he took another drink. "Mom keeps trying to fix
me up with a friend of her's son. Dad keeps telling her to back off and
let me find my own boyfriend."

	"So are you going to let her fix you up?" I knew that Nick needed
someone in his life. There was a void in his life that none of us could
fill for him.

	"I don't know. It's a little strange. The situation is a little
tough considering who I am and how little the public knows about my
life. I can't risk getting caught on a date with another man."

	"Do you want to do it though?"

	Nick shrugged. "Part of me is intrigued with the idea. So yeah I
guess if I could I would let Mom fix me up."

	I was silent for a moment. I could help him out with this. "What
if I told you I could make it happen?"

	Nick raised himself up and looked at me. "How?"

	"Do you remember my friend Chris, the guy I used to work with at
Disney?" Nick nodded. "Well he manages a small restaurant in Tampa. I
used to take Kristen there all the time. He will take any measure
necessary to make sure you aren't bothered or recognized."

	Nick was quiet. I guess he was thinking it over. I took another
drink of my beer.

	"Will you go with me Kevin?"

	I practically dropped my beer at that. "Why do you want me to go
with you?"

	Nick lowered his eyes and looked at his lap. "I've never been on
a real date before. There was that stuff with Mandy when Brian was
trying to fix me up with her, but it wasn't a real date. I would feel
better if someone else was there with me."

	"Yeah I guess I can go with you." I took a deep breath. "I guess
I need to find a date then."

	"Oh Kev. I'm sorry." Nick's voice was filled with regret at what
he had asked.

	I just brushed it off. "Don't worry about it. I'll just take
Missy if JC will let me borrow her for the evening."

	I had introduced my best friend Missy to JC about a year and a
half ago. Little did I know that they would be my first and only
successful fix-up. I hadn't really played a big part in getting Chris
and Gwen together.

	"The guys are on the road aren't they?"

	I took a quick note of the date. I was dismayed to realize that I
had pretty much lost about three weeks. 'Nsync's latest tour had
started on May 5.

	"Yeah I guess they are aren't they." I looked at my beer sadly.
"Nick I didn't even realize they had left."

	Nick got up and sat next to me again. He must be getting used to
playing the comforting friend role to the hysterically crying friend I
was portraying so well at the moment.

	"It's no big deal. The guys haven't been around for awhile since
their new album has been released. We haven't even seen them since
March."

	"I know. It's not just that. What else have I missed over the
last three weeks since Kristen ended it?"

	"Not much. AJ and Amanda are fighting again, but they'll be fine
in a few days like usual. Brian and Leighanne are planning their
wedding. Howie is just chilling and working on the plans for his Lupus
fundraiser."

	"What about you Nick? What have I missed in your life?"

	Nick put his arms around my waist and rested his head on my
shoulder. I grabbed his arm with my hand, holding onto it tightly.

	"Basically I've been sitting back and watching my friends. I've
been watching you go through this break-up with as much strength as any
one man can have. I've been waiting until you were ready to talk about
everything with me."

	Nick's arms tightened around my waist. "And I've been mentally
kicking myself for being happy that Kristen broke it off before the two
of you got married."

	I pulled away from him quickly, standing up and looking down at
Nick angrily. "You were happy? Why?" I couldn't wait to hear his
reasoning for being happy that my heart was torn to pieces.

	"Petty jealousy. It was as simple as that Kevin." Nick said
simply, not letting his gaze move from mine. His blue eyes held me
captive in his gaze.

	"Jealousy? Why were you jealous?"

	Nick sighed and finally looked away. He got up and moved to the
railing. Looking out over the water, he shouted back at me.

	"Are you sure you want the truth Kevin?"

	I came up behind him and slipped my arms around his waist pulling
him tightly to me. He shuddered slightly in the cool air. Nick turned
to face me, my arms still around his waist.

	"Do you want the truth?" He asked me again, whispering.

	"Yes." I stared into his eyes as I waited for him to answer me.

	Nick took a deep breath and broke his eye contact with me. "I was
jealous because you loved Kristen back. I was jealous because I knew
you would never feel that way about me."

	I broke my hold on Nick and backed away. My mind was reeling. Had
Nick really just said that he was in love with me? Well maybe not in so
many words, but that was the gist of what I was getting. Because I
loved Kristen back and I would never feel that way about him. Oh God,
how had I let Nick fall in love with me?

	"Kevin you didn't let me fall in love with you. It just happened.
I couldn't help it." Nick shouted into the wind, which had picked up in
the past few minutes.

	"How can you be in love with me Nick? How?"

	"I don't know! I just am!" Nick ran his hands through his short
hair.

	"But why me? Why not someone else?"

	"Because you are in my heart. I feel like my heart is going to
burst every time you look at me, or hug me. You mean everything to me
Kevin. I didn't mean to fall in love with you. It just happened, but I
don't regret the love I have for you."

	I didn't know what to say. I was stuck on auto-pilot. My heart
decided to speak before my mind could process what I was going to say.

	"I love you too Nick. I don't know why or how, but I do." I
shouted back at him.

	A moment later, there was a flash of lightening and rain began to
pour down, soaking us instantly. Neither of us moved.

	"Do you mean that Kevin? Or are you just playing with me?" Nick
asked, staring back at me in astonishment.

	"Of course I mean that. Have I ever lied to you before?"

	In a flash, Nick was in my arms, hugging me tightly. Our lips
moved together and we began to passionately kiss each other. I couldn't
get enough of Nick's soft lips and tongue. I wanted to possess every
inch of him.

	Nick pulled back and looked me in the eye. "I'm all wet." I began
to laugh. I hugged him tightly. "So am I."

	Nick grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the door to the
bedroom downstairs. "Then lets go get out of these wet clothes."

	I let Nick pull me downstairs, my mind going a thousand
directions at the same time. I did want this. I don't know why but I
did want to have sex with Nick. I was a little surprised that my body
was responding to his actions.

	Nick pushed open the bedroom door and pushed me down on the bed.
He climbed on top of me and grinned happily. A moment later his lips
came crashing down to meet my own in another mind-blowing kiss. I
pulled Nick's wet T-shirt off, tossing it across the room. Mine joined
his a moment later.

	He ran his hands down my chest tracing the ridges of my stomach
with his fingertips.

	"You're incredible Kevin." Nick moaned softly. I pulled him down
into another kiss, losing my self in the feelings my body was sending
to my brain. And I was gone.







have i been seduced and forgotten you said baby haven't we all



	The morning sun shown through the curtain covering the cabin
door. I blinked rapidly, not sure of where I was. I could feel someone
laying across me. I looked down and saw Nick fast asleep on my chest.
He was naked. I was naked. You didn't need to be a brain surgeon to
figure this one out.

	I slowly slipped out from underneath his arm. I grabbed a T-shirt
and a pair of boxers from the small dresser next to the bed. Nick let
me keep some spare clothes there just in case. I guess I was pretty
glad they were there this morning.

	I stood at the railing, looking out at the ocean, trying to
figure out what had just happened. I held my pounding head in my hands,
rubbing my temples gently as I thought. I remembered kissing Nick and
taking his clothes off. I didn't remember anything after that. Maybe I
didn't sleep with him. But then again both of us were in bed together
naked.

	What business did I have sleeping with Nick of all people? Why
was I letting myself fall for him? Was I really falling for him or was
it the alcohol and the emotions of the night?

	I wasn't gay. I'm sure of that. It had been years since that
night...with Ray. I'd pretty much blocked that out of my mind. That had
been so many years ago. I had just been experimenting.

	"Kevin?" I heard Nick's voice call softly from behind me. I
turned to look at him. He had thrown a pair of boxers on before he had
come up on deck.

	"Hi Nick." I didn't move towards him and he didn't move towards
me.

	"Kevin did last night really happen?" He hugged his arms to his
chest, shivering slightly in the wind. I wanted to walk over to him and
wrap my arms around him to warm him up. Something was stopping me. I
couldn't move.

	"I was going to ask you the same thing." I said with a slight
edge to my voice. If he was questioning it too, maybe it didn't happen.

	"Well I'm pretty sore, so I'm going to assume something happened
last night." His voice had the same edge to it that mine had.

	I sighed heavily and turned away from him. Apparently I did have
sex with Nick last night. And apparently I took his virginity too. From
what he had told me in the past, he hadn't even kissed someone before
last night.

	"Kevin I think we need to talk about this." I felt Nick's hand on
my arm, squeezing my bicep gently.

	I put a hand to my forehead, squeezing the temples. "I don't
think we need to talk about anything. Let's just forget what happened."

	"Then we're in agreement. Let's never speak of last night again."

	I looked up at Nick in surprise. The last thing I expected was
for him to agree to that.

	"So you're not in love with me?" I asked him as he walked away. I
stared at his retreating figure as it stopped suddenly. He turned to
look at me.

	"Are you in love with me?"

	"I asked you first." It was a pathetic attempt to deny the truth,
but I needed to hear what he felt first.

	"No Kevin. I'm not in love with you. At least not in that way. I
do love you but not in a romantic way."

	I squinted in the sun, holding my hand up to block it out so I
could see Nick clearly.

	"I'm not in love with you either." I said desperately.

	"Okay then. We're in agreement. It was just sex and we'll never
tell anyone about it, ever." Nick walked back towards me.

	"Agreed." I said softly. Nick held out his hand to me. I
reluctantly shook it.

	"Now let's go get dressed. We gotta' get back on land so we can
get to the studio. Don't want the guys looking for us now do we."

	Nick grinned at me warmly. I nodded, smiling back slightly. Nick
threw his arm around my shoulder.

	"Hey you wanna' drive the boat home today?"

	I smiled at him for real this time. "Yeah. I haven't driven it in
so long."

	"Cool. I'll make us some coffee." Nick let go of me and began to
skip ahead.

	"Hey Nicky." I called after him.

	"What Kev?"

	"Better wear a turtleneck today. I seem to have bitten you." I
smirked slightly at the bright red mark that was so prominently
displayed on the right side of Nick's neck.

	Nick's face turned bright red and he clapped his hand over his
neck. "Other side Nicky." He quickly switched sides and glared at me.

	"And how am I supposed to explain why I'm wearing a turtleneck in
May in Orlando Kevin?" I could tell he was just getting an attitude as
a joke.

	I shrugged. "Not my problem. I guess you should have left some
marks on me that I would have to cover up."

	I shook my finger in his face jokingly. "You have much to learn
about sex my boy."

	"I guess you didn't look at your back this morning Kev." Nick
grinned letting his hand fall from his neck.

	"What do you mean?" Nick looked at his nails absentmindedly.
"I've really been meaning to cut these things." He shook his hand in my
face and walked downstairs.

	I began to laugh. For the first time in three weeks I was truly
happy. Leave it to Nick to figure out how to make me smile. All
thoughts of the previous night were pushed out of my head as I chased
him downstairs.





now i don't like crying because it only gets me wet




	"So you want me to call Chris later?" I whispered to Nick as we
walked down the hall to the studio together.

	"Let me call Mom first and let her know that she can fix me up
with this guy." Nick rolled his eyes. "She is going to be ecstatic."

	Nick grabbed my arm and pulled me aside right before we walked
inside. "You can't see it can you?" He asked gesturing to his neck.

	I shook my head, still slightly proud of myself for leaving that
mark on him.

	"Nope. We covered it up pretty well." I really couldn't see it
through the layers of foundation we had put over it.

	"Okay, let's go inside and field questions about the night on the
boat." Nick rolled his eyes again. I laughed at him, shaking my head as
I followed him into the room.

	Howie was in the booth with Mike. AJ and Brian were lounging on
the couch, flipping channels on the TV and arguing about which cartoon
to watch.

	"I vote for Spiderman." I said as I sat down heavily on the couch
next to Brian. He sat up quickly and looked back and forth between me
and Nick.

	"You guys are back early. Didn't get too drunk last night?" AJ
asked with a grin, flipping to Spiderman.

	"Nah we just woke up early despite the amount we drank. Damn
sun." Nick grumbled jokingly, purposely sitting so his right side
wasn't facing Brian or AJ.

	"We weren't expecting you for at least another hour. Mike's
gonna' be thrilled that you're back so early. He wanted to work for a
bit with you Kevin." Brian said glancing at me suspiciously. He got up
and walked over to the food.

	I groaned softly. "How long's Howie been in there?"

	"Only about ten minutes. You got some time to relax."

	I sighed and leaned back against the couch. "That's good. I'm
bushed."

	"So whaddja guys do on the boat last night?" AJ asked, perching
on the couch like a little kid. He began to poke me in the side to try
and get me to talk.

	I swatted at AJ's hand, missing by a mile. "Missed me Kev." AJ
stuck his tongue out at me. Nick grabbed it before he had a chance to
react.

	"Heyth lethh gooo ofth my tonguth." AJ mumbled as Nick held on to
his tongue.

	"Hmm...what was that? I don't think I quite caught that one. How
about you Kev?" Nick asked jokingly.

	"Nope didn't catch it. Can you repeat it for us AJ?"

	"He told you to let go of his damn tongue Nick!" Brian shouted
from the other side of the room. He stomped out of the room and slammed
the door behind him.

	Nick let go of AJ's tongue in shock. "I'm sorry AJ." Nick
mumbled.

	"Don't worry about it. It was just a joke." AJ said, waving it
off.

	"Is Brian okay?" I asked, wondering what had set him off like
that.

	AJ shrugged. "He and Leighanne had a fight last night. All I got
out of him was that it had something to do with his attitude towards
Nick and that Leighanne was tired of it. Then he stomped off to bed
angrily. Boy did it ruin the nice make-out session I had going with
Amanda on the couch."

	Nick hung his head. "I wish people would stop making a big deal
about this." He spoke softly.

	AJ looked at him for a moment before getting up and sitting next
to him.

	"Hey Nick. I know I haven't been that great about this
whole...gay thing. And I'm really sorry about that. I've been doing a
lot of thinking about it lately and a lot of arguing with Amanda about
it."

	AJ paused for a moment to collect his thoughts. "You're still my
little brother. Just be prepared for me to give all of your dates the
3rd degree. They gotta' pass the AJ test before they're allowed to take
you outta' the house."

	Nick grinned and threw his arms around AJ. I was a little
surprised despite AJ's words that he hugged him back. "Thanks AJ."

	"Hey no problem Nicky. I'm sorry I was such a jerk to you about
it."

	AJ let go of him and looked over at me. "And Kevin sorry about
not being supportive and brotherly over the past few weeks. I guess I
fucked up by keeping my distance. I thought you wanted it that way."

	"AJ don't worry about it. I guess I did need the space for a bit.
It took a lot for Nick to get me to talk to him last night."

	"If you ever need to talk, I'm here for you Kev." AJ put his arms
around me and hugged me briefly as well.

	"Thanks AJ. The same goes for you." I sat up and looked at the
door. "I guess he's not coming back."

	AJ grinned and put his hands behind his head. "I doubt it. You
know how Brian likes to play the drama queen when he gets the chance."

	I sighed and pushed myself off the couch. "I'm going to go chase
him down and talk to him. You two play nice."

	AJ grinned again. "No problem Kev." Nick looked at him and smiled
as well.

	I walked out of the room just barely catching AJ's next question
to Nick.

	"So Nick where did ya' get that hickey?" I winced slightly but
kept walking. It was up to Nick to handle that one. I had to handle
Brian.



but i can't help failing to remember to forget you



	I wandered around the halls for a bit trying to figure out where
Brian had run off to. I knew my cousin pretty well and there were only
a few places that were still inside the building that he would hide out
in.

	I decided to check the gym first. When Brian was really upset he
tending to starting lifting weights no matter what time of day it was.
I can understand that more then his compulsion to break things. I've
seen Brian decimate an entire set of dishes in about five minutes when
he was really pissed off at management. Of course that was a long time
ago when they were fucking with his health. Now he just sticks to a few
glasses per tantrum. AJ and I had to limit him after the entire set of
dishes were broken. We didn't have anything to eat off of.

	I pushed open the door to the small gym. Sure enough Brian was in
there lifting weights.

	"Brian." I called out to him. "What do you want Kevin?" He asked,
not even breaking his rhythm to look at me.

	"Can we talk?" I walked over to him and picked up a set of
dumbbells. I began to do curls with him.

	"I'm not really in the mood to talk Kevin. I just want to lift
weights alone." Brian grunted softly as he lifted the barbell again. As
usual when he was angry he was pushing himself too hard, using a weight
that was too heavy for him.

	"Why don't you use something lighter?" I suggested, already
knowing the answer before he even said it.

	"Fuck you Kev."

	Oh a new answer. Maybe Brian was becoming more creative. Nah,
just less civil.

	"So you and Leigh had a fight about Nick last night?"

	Brian sighed and put the barbell down. He glared at me angrily.
"Does AJ have to run his mouth about everything?"

	"No, but I did ask him what was wrong so all he did was answer my
question."

	"By running his damn mouth." Brian shot back at me. I grabbed him
by his shirt roughly, pulling him towards me.

	"What the hell is wrong with you Brian? You've been acting like
an asshole lately. This can't just be because you learned that Nick is
gay."

	Brian jerked himself away from me, pushing me backwards. "Fuck
Nick being gay! I'm sick of that even being an issue."

	"Then what is this about?"

	Brian was quiet. He ran his hands through his hair before looking
back at me.

	"It's about you not talking to me anymore. What happened to Brian
and Kevin, the Kentucky cousins? I don't even know who you are
anymore."

	"You're always so busy talking with Nick, spending time with him.
The five of us are a family Kevin and you are pushing the rest of us
away."

	"But last night is the first time I let Nick drag me away
since...since Kristen broke up with me." I protested, feeling like this
was all my fault now.

	"I'm not even talking in the past three weeks. In the past months
you have been pushing us away, choosing to spend time with Nick over
any of us. Even Kristen. Did you even consider that part of your life
when you started to focus entirely on Nick?"

	"I never focused entirely on Nick." I growled at him. "Kristen
didn't mind that I spent time with him. She let me go whenever Nick
needed me."

	"And Nick always needs you. The great and powerful Kevin can fix
whatever little crisis is happening in our poor Nicky's life. Always
the hero coming to the rescue aren't you Kevin?"

	"Fuck you Brian." I gritted my teeth, trying not to lose my
temper.

	"No Kevin. Fuck you. Why didn't you tell me that Nick was gay?"

	"I thought Nick being gay wasn't an issue anymore?" I shot back
at him.

	"Well I lied! It is an issue! I can't stand the thought of him
being gay! It sickens me Kevin and it sickens me that you don't have
any problem with it."

	"Oh grow up Brian! This is the year 2000. Nick is gay! A whole
hell of a lotta people are gay. There's nothing wrong with it."

	"I wouldn't expect you to understand considering...." Brian
trailed off, turning his back to me.

	"Considering what Brian?" I shouted at him.

	"Considering you're gay too!" He shouted back at me.

	My jaw dropped and I just stared at him. Did he just say that I'm
gay? Where had that come from?

	"I'm...I'm not gay." I stammered out. "Why would you even think
that?"

	"Christ Kevin have you ever taken a good look at yourself? Before
Nick came out the rest of us were sure that you were the gay one!"

	I sat down heavily on a nearby bench. I couldn't process this.

	"What are you telling me?" I asked him dumbly.

	"Well let's see. You've just been dumped by your second fiancée‚e
whom you had a seven-year 'comfortable' relationship with. You are the
most touchy-feely person with other guys that I have ever met. Plus you
just act gay. I'm sorry. There's no other way to describe it."

	"But I'm not gay." I said softly, looking down at the floor. My
mind kept flashing back to the night before. Having sex with Nick was
an indication that I wasn't all-together straight either.

	"Are you sure about that Kevin?" Brian's cold voice broke through
the haze in my mind. I looked up at him in astonishment.

	"No." I whispered. "No I'm not."

	"Then get sure." Brian said harshly, walking out of the gym,
slamming the door behind him.

	I don't know how long I sat there in the cold gym, sitting on the
weight bench, staring at the ground.

	I wish I could take the past few months of my life back, do them
over again, knowing what I know now. I would do so many things
differently. I wouldn't distance myself from Brian this time. I
wouldn't let Nick monopolize so much of my time. And I wouldn't let the
girl of my dreams get away.

	 Years ago I used to dream about what it would be like to be in
love, to know that another person was there with you for the rest of
your time on earth. I never dreamed how I would feel when the love
disappeared.

	Or re-appeared in the most unlikely of places.

	Nick.

	I hadn't been lying to him when I said that I loved him. It
wasn't just the beer talking or the emotions of the moment. It was the
gods honest truth. I love Nick with all of my heart.

	But it wasn't a love I want to act on.

	I don't want to set my feet on the path of loving Nick. I guess
my own personal prejudices had come back to raise their ugly heads. I'm
not prejudiced towards gay people. I'm prejudiced towards myself being
gay.

	I have never even considered the possibility that I was gay.

	Okay that's a lie. I did consider it before but I brushed it away
quickly. I just decided that I could appreciate the beauty of the male
form while still being straight. I just didn't act on that
appreciation.

	Nick.

	Nick.

	Nick.

	What am I going to do there? I don't want to act on my feelings
for him even though he knows about them now. He didn't return them or
so he said. It could have just been a ploy to get past what happened
last night. Kinda of like it was when I told him that I wasn't in love
with him.

	I do not want to go with him on a double date. I do not want to
help him start a relationship.

	I'm being selfish.

	"Kevin?" A voice broke through my thoughts quiet and questioning.
One of the last voices I expected to hear at the present time.

	"Brian?"

	I looked up at my cousin with a confused expression. He shouldn't
be here. He should be as far away from me that he could get.

	Brian sat down next to me. "I shouldn't have said the things I
said. I had no right."

	"Brian?"

	"Look can we go somewhere and talk? Civilly?" His voice pleaded
with me.

	I nodded dumbly. "I need to tell Nick I'm leaving. He drove me
here today." I saw anger flash across Brian's face momentarily.

	"I told Mike that we are all leaving today. I think Nick and AJ
are going to go shopping but we can tell him that we're going out
before we leave if you want to."

	I nodded again. "Thanks Brian."

	Brian stood up and tentatively reached for my hand. I took it and
he hauled me up so I was finally standing.

	"I want you to tell me about you and Nick while we are talking
Kevin." He said it simply and straight-forward. It wasn't a request. It
was an order. And I understood that I had to answer it.

	"Okay."










and i know it's going to be a long time and i'm crying like a church on
monday



	"Hey beautiful." I grinned happily at Missy when she opened the
door of the house that she and JC shared.

	"Hey yourself. Come give me a hug stranger." I bent down slightly
and wrapped my arms around Missy. She hugged me tightly.

	"So how are you holding up Kev?" She asked leading me inside.
"Depends which personal crisis you're asking about." I answered dryly.

	"Which personal crisis seems to be less pressing at the moment?"

	"Kristen leaving me." I answered quickly. That was true. As the
days passed, the pain dulled slightly. She wasn't around for me to pine
over. Nick was.

	"You're doing better with that then?"

	"Better in comparison to how I was doing." I bent down to scratch
Pegasus' stomach as she lay with her paws in the air and tail wagging,
waiting for me to say hello.

	"Come upstairs with me. I have to finish getting ready." I
noticed that Missy was only in her slip and bra. "JC's asleep upstairs
but he won't wake up."

	"I thought he was on the road." The last time I had talked to JC
he had no time off until the end of July.

	"Management gave them three days off to do whatever they wanted
since they had the reporters with them last week. So JC flew home this
morning. He's been sleeping ever since."

	Missy pushed the bedroom door open and gestured for me to follow
her inside. I followed her in and looked over at the bed. JC was passed
out cold his arms and legs spread out across the big bed.

	"Since we're going on a date with Nicky tonight, why don't you
fill me in on how your doing with that personal crisis." Missy shut the
bathroom door behind us and gestured for me to sit on the toilet while
she finished putting on her make-up.

	I sighed heavily. In the past week since Nick and I had sex on
the boat, nothing had seemed to make sense. The revelation that Brian
thought I was gay still troubled me to no end. He and I had talked
about our relationship and he made it clear that he wasn't going to
stand for the way we had been treating each other lately. I was a
little surprised that Brian wanted to help me come to terms with my
confusion regarding my sexuality. So far I couldn't find an ulterior
motive and he hadn't been quoting the bible at me. Maybe he really did
want to help.

	As for me and Nick, we tried to pretend that nothing had
happened. We still acted the same way around each other. He seemed
genuinely excited about the date tonight with Peter. That was the guy's
name that Jane fixed him up with.

	"Well the last thing I want to do is go on this date with him
tonight but I made a promise to him and I won't break it."

	Missy nodded. "That's good."

	"I still don't know where I stand on the whole 'gay' issue. The
other day I almost had myself convinced that I was gay. Then I woke up
the next morning and I was convinced that I wasn't gay. All I want to
do is sleep to forget about all of this."

	I dropped my head to my hands and closed my eyes. I could hear
Missy putting down her lipstick. She put her arms around me and gave me
a kiss on the cheek.

	"Kevin don't fret about this so much. Have you considered that
you might be bisexual?"

	I shrugged, resting my head on her shoulder. "I've been batting
that option around as well."

	"Let me ask you another question then." I waited for Missy to
continue. "Are you attracted to men?"

	I nodded. "Okay. Are you attracted to women?" I nodded again.
"Are you attracted to Nick?"

	"Incredibly." I whispered. Missy sighed and straightened back up.
"You've got it bad Kevin. How are you going to survive tonight?"

	"I'm going to drink. That was my brilliant plan."

	"I guess I'm driving then."

	There was a knock on the door and JC poked his head inside.
"Umm...can I pee?" He mumbled, his voice full of sleep.

	"Of course honey. Kev, hop up on the counter so JC can pee."

	"I'll just leave while he's peeing." I said, slightly
uncomfortable with the idea of being in the bathroom while JC was
peeing.

	"Don't worry about it Kev. I can go if you're in the room." JC
said as he walked into the bathroom, scratching his chest.

	I got off the toilet and sat on the counter looking at Missy
while JC peed next to us.

	"Are you guys ready for your date?" JC asked when he finished. He
bent over to flush the toilet. Straightening up, he walked over to the
sink to wash his hands.

	"Kevin's not really thrilled about going but we're almost ready
to go. I just have to throw my dress and heels on."

	JC looked over at me. "Have you made any decisions about Nick
yet?"

	I shook my head. At Missy's suggestion I had called JC the other
day to just talk to someone who wasn't directly involved in the
situation. I can't really say that it helped a whole lot. JC's not that
great at giving advice, but he listens really well.

	JC yawned. "Well you know that I will always be here for you
whenever you just need a friend." He leaned over and gave Missy a kiss
on the cheek. "I'm going back to bed. You two have a good time
tonight."

	"Thanks JC." I said sadly. "Sleep well sweetie." Missy said,
shutting the bathroom door behind him.


	"Now Kevin. I love JC, but whatever advice he gave you, don't
listen to it. Remember what happened the time he told Lance to get
Danielle a vacuum cleaner for Christmas."

	I chuckled at her attempt to cheer me up. It had been pretty
funny when Lance had pulled me and Missy aside and told us JC suggested
that particular gift.

	"Don't worry. I never take JC's advice seriously."





praying for these feelings to go away




	"Come on Kevin." Missy pulled me forward. I dragged my feet as
much as possible, but stopped when I saw Chris walking towards us. I
put on a fake smile and walked towards him.

	"Hey Aladdin." Chris said with a smirk. "Hi Ursula." I shot back
at him.

	"Hey I only played Ursula once when I filled in for Gwen." Chris
threw his arms around me and clapped me firmly on the back. He let go
of me and turned to Missy.

	"Missy sweetie." He picked her up and spun her around. "Hey
Chris. How's Maggie and the kids?"

	Chris, Missy, and I go way back. There's kind of a funny little
circle that revolves around us thanks to Disney. Missy, Chris, Chris'
wife Maggie, Kristen, Gwen, and I all worked together at Disney. The
six of us shared a house together for about a year. Then I left to join
Backstreet. Chris and Maggie got married. Gwen, Missy, and Kristen
lived together until about a year ago. Missy moved in with JC. Kristen
moved in with me. Gwen's been dating Chris Kirkpatrick almost as long
as Missy and JC have been dating. She moved in with him.

	"Maggie's great. Jenny and Pat are happy little monsters like
always."

	Chris put his arm around my shoulder again. "How are you doing
Kev? Maggie and I were so upset when we heard what happened."

	I nodded. "Thanks Chris. I'm doing a little better."

	Chris let it drop. He knew me pretty well after all the years
we've been friends and he knew I wasn't in the mood to talk about it.

	"I set aside the cigar room for you tonight so that you won't be
seen by any other patrons."

	"Thanks Chris. I owe you one." I said as he led us into the small
room in the back.

	"No you don't. I still owe you a month's rent from March 1993."

	We all laughed at that one. "You know. The interest on that must
be incredible." I said, stroking my goatee thoughtfully.

	Chris smacked my arm lightly. "Just for that, I'm gonna' make
sure that Jenny pees in your pool the next time we're over."

	"I guess it's a good thing I never plan to invite you over
again."

	"Whatever old man. I'm going to go make sure no one attacks Nicky
and his date."

	Chris kissed Missy on the cheek and left the room. I pulled out a
seat for Missy and sat down next to her. She put her arm around my
shoulder.

	"So what do you plan to start off with tonight?"

	"What do you mean?"

	Missy chuckled and reached for the drink list. "Beer, wine, hard
liquor, mixed drinks. What's your poison tonight Kevin?"

	"Well wine is a big no-no like always. I just can't handle myself
when I'm drinking that. Beer takes too long to get me drunk. So it's
going to be hard liquor and mixed drinks."

	"Can I make a suggestion?"

	"Of course."

	"I always love Amaretto Sours. Have one of them for me, your
loving best friend and designated driver."

	"Okay sweetie."

	We both sat in silence, trying to cheer ourselves up for this
impending date. I felt bad dragging Missy along tonight since JC is
actually home. 'Nsync has been on such a whirlwind of activities and
publicity appearances since January. I know that the two of them have
gotten very little time to spend with each other.

	"Yeah Kevin and Missy are already here Nick." I heard Chris'
voice clearly as he came towards our room. Both Missy and I jumped to
attention, turning to face the door.

	Chris came into the room first giving both Missy and I the famous
Chris Dilkus raised eyebrow look. Nick was behind him. My smile froze
on my face when I saw how handsome he looked tonight. I wanted to turn
away and get my bearings but I had to be polite when Peter walked in
the room.

	Peter. There is no other way to describe this man other then
gorgeous. He looked like the all-American boy next door. He had sandy
brown hair, big blue eyes, and a light sprinkling of freckles across
his nose. He wore thin wire-rimmed glasses and his clothing was
impeccable. Black dress pants, a light gray dress shirt and a black
vest over top of it. And his body underneath those clothes was
obviously very nice.

	I turned away for a moment and caught Missy's eye. She stood up
and wrapped her arms around Nicky's neck.

	"Nicky! How's my little boy doing?"

	"Hey Missy." Nick kissed her softly and she let go. Missy turned
to Peter with a smile.

	"You must be Peter. I'm Missy." She wrapped her arms around him
and hugged him tightly as well.

	"Hello Missy." Peter took her hugging in stride, which was
impressive. Most people tend to freak when Missy hugs them when they
first meet her.

	"This is Kevin." Nick said as I stood up to shake Peter's hand.
"It's very nice to meet you Kevin."

	I shook Peter's hand, my fake smile plastered across my face. He
had an impressive handshake. "Nice to meet you too Peter."

	"Well can I get anyone a drink to start you off?" Chris asked,
noticing the pained expression on my face.

	"I'll have a Jack and coke." I said quickly, sitting back down.
Missy sat down as well giving me a sharp look.

	"Anyone else?" Chris asked looking around at the other three
people in the room.

	"I'll have a Tom Collins." Peter asked, pulling the chair out for
Nick, who blushed slightly.

	"I know that Nick will be having a soda or something right
Nicky?" Chris asked daring him to try and order a drink considering
Chris knew he was only 20.

	"Yeah I'll have a cherry coke."

	"And my darling Melissa?"

	Missy scowled at him. "Call me Melissa again Christopher and
Maggie will be a widow."

	"So Missy will be having a gin and tonic." Chris said with a
smile. "Minus the gin." She said. "I'm driving tonight."

	"Okay Missy will be having a tonic with lemon." Chris left the
four of us sitting in the room staring at each other.

	"How's Josh doing Missy?" Nick finally asked, breaking the
silence in the room.

	Missy smiled happily. "My boy is doing just fine. He's actually
home for a few days. Management gave them a few days off since they had
the reporters with them last week."

	"Josh is home and Kevin still dragged you along? Shame on you
Kevin." Nick said to me jokingly.

	I didn't say a word. I just stared at the napkin on the table in
front of me, concentrating on the patterns in it.

	"Believe me Kevin is going to be better company then Josh would
be tonight. All he's done since he got home this morning is sleep. He
promised me that he will be awake tomorrow."

	Silence again. Peter looked very uncomfortable. He would shoot
looks at me every so often. I think I was scaring him. I looked over at
Nick. I could read his blue eyes and they weren't happy with me.

	I sighed and looked around at everyone again.

	"Peter, tell us a little about yourself." There. I did my part.
No one can say that I was just out and out rude to the boy.

	"I'm 25 years old."

	Too old for Nicky. Strike one against him.

	"I graduated from USC three years ago with a degree in
advertising. I've been working for Disney since then hence the reason I
ended up back in Orlando."

	"Another Disney guy! Both Kevin and I worked at Disney."

	Peter smiled warmly. "Really? What department?"

	Missy blushed. "Well he was Aladdin and I was Ariel's understudy
and a member of the Sea corps for the Little Mermaid."

	"Oh performers." Peter's voice showed how much disdain he felt
for the performers.

	I hated this guy. Strike two.

	"Yeah performers. Missy is actually a teacher now and Kevin is a
member of the Backstreet Boys with me." Nick tried to make things
better.

	"Really you teach Missy? That's great. Teaching is such a under-
rated occupation."

	Missy exchanged glances with me. I mouthed to her that I wanted
my drink. She nodded.

	"I think I'm going to be drinking tonight too." She whispered
into my ear.

	Peter was not impressing me with his witty conversation and
stunning ability to relate to the three of us. However Nick looked like
he was having fun, so I swallowed my anger and smiled some more.

	Our waitress showed up and placed our drinks in front of us.
Missy stopped her and asked for a gin and tonic. She nodded and told us
the specials of the day.





so do me a favor baby put down your new god and love me like sunday
again




	The good thing about being totally wasted is that no one can hold
it against you what you happened to say or do. Well hopefully no one at
the table will hold it against me.

	The more I drank, the more talkative I got. I personally thought
I was being very funny when I began to tell embarrassing stories about
Nick. Like the time he came running into my hotel room at three in the
morning because Brian had told him that he was really an alien. Or the
time he got really drunk and decided it would be funny to piss on
Howie's bunk.

	Peter and Missy were laughing as they were getting pretty drunk
too. Somewhere in the back of my alcohol-addled brain I noticed that
Nick was really quiet. His arms were crossed and his expression was one
of pure hatred. And it was directed at me.

	Chris came back into the room a moment later to check up on us.
He noticed Nick's expression immediately and grabbed me.

	"Kevin. I really need to talk to you about something."

	I nodded drunkenly and pushed my chair back from the table. "I'll
be right back. When I get back I'll tell you about the time Nicky left
his stuffed bear in Australia."

	Nick dropped his head into his hands as Missy and Peter began to
laugh.

	"Kevin Scott Richardson! What in the hell are you doing to that
poor boy?" Chris asked angrily. He had dragged me into his office
behind the kitchen.

	I dropped into the chair heavily and looked up at Chris. "I have
no idea Chris."

	Chris began to massage my shoulders gently as he talked. "I'm not
letting you have any more to drink tonight Kevin. I think you've had
enough. And you've definitely embarrassed Nick enough in front of his
date. How would you like it if I had done that to you when you had your
first date with Kristen?"

	I slumped down further in the chair. "I'm an asshole."

	"Yes you are. And you're making it really obvious that you want
Nick for yourself to everyone in the room, including him."

	My head shot up and I turned around to look at him. "How did you
know?"

	"I didn't. You just told me." Chris said softly. He walked away
from me for a moment.

	"Is this why Kristen left you? Because you're in love with Nick?"

	Chris' back was to me as we spoke. "I don't think Kristen knew. I
didn't even know until about a week ago."

	"What happened a week ago?"

	I closed my eyes tightly. "I slept with Nick."

	Chris grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me hard. "What the
hell were you thinking! He's just a baby. And I thought you grew out of
that?"

	I kept my eyes closed tightly as Chris screamed at me. He was one
of my best friends. He knew about everything that had happened to me
before Kristen.

	"Are you going to answer me or not, Kevin?"

	"I just ignored it Chris. I didn't let that side of myself be
expressed anymore."

	Chris sat down on his desk and lifted my chin up. "Open your eyes
Kevin."

	I slowly opened my eyes back up and looked at him. His face was
filled with concern.

	"Why are you doing this Kevin?"

	"Doing what?"

	Chris sighed. "Torturing yourself by helping Nick go on a date."

	I shrugged. "Because he doesn't love me. I just want him to be
happy."

	"Christ." Chris muttered softly. "You are a piece of work Kevin
Richardson." He hopped off the desk and wrapped his arms around me,
hugging me tightly.

	"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"

	"Well, you certainly keep all of us guessing."

	"Thanks I guess."

	I smiled weakly at him. Chris reached for my hand and pulled me
up. "I have to get you back in there before someone sober realizes that
you are still gone."

	I nodded. "I promise I'll stop making fun of Nick."

	"Good."




i was hiding in your bedroom when i saw him come inside





	I reached for a bottle of water from the table. Howie and AJ were
currently in the booth with Mike. Brian had wandered off somewhere
mumbling something about tacos. Nick and I were alone.

	He had been treating me like shit since that night. I guess I
couldn't blame him. I had acted like a complete asshole to him.

	Missy and JC had sat me down the next day and reamed me out for
my actions the night before. I guess I couldn't blame them either. I
took everything they said. They were right.

	"Nick?"

	Nick's eyes flicked over towards me for a moment, then returned
to the TV screen. He reached for the remote and turned the volume up a
little louder.

	"Please Nick."

	Nothing. I couldn't take this silent treatment anymore. I walked
over to the TV and shut it off. He turned it back on. I turned it back
off and grabbed the remote from his hand.

	"What the fuck are you doing Kevin?" He shouted at me.

	"Trying to talk to you." I said sitting on the couch next to him.

	"You did enough talking at dinner the other night. I think I know
exactly how you feel about me."

	"I deserve that."

	"Yes you do."

	We both stared at each other, unblinking. His eyes were
glittering with anger. I'm sure he saw the regret in my eyes.

	"Did I ruin your chances with Peter?"

	Nick slowly shook his head. "Those chances were pretty much
ruined when he opened his mouth. I couldn't be with someone like that."

	I felt like smiling, but I kept the solemn expression of regret
on my face.

	"I'm still sorry for saying those things in front of him and
Missy."

	Nick shrugged. "I don't care that Missy knows, though I'm sure JC
knows, which means the rest of the guys in 'Nsync will know and I'll
never live down the teasing that Justin'll give me."

	"You can tease him back. Apparently just saying the name Kate
makes him blush and stutter like an idiot."

	Nick grinned. "So Justin's got a girl?"

	I nodded. "According to JC, he's pretty stuck on her. She was one
of the reporters who traveled with them for a week."

	"Good for him."

	We both were silent again. "Why'd ya do it Kev?"

	"Stupidity."

	"So you decided to embarrass me completely because of pure
stupidity?"

	I nodded. "And I know that's a lie Kevin. Will you tell me the
truth?"

	"Someday Nick. I can't now though."

	"Kevin do you know what tomorrow is?"

	I nodded. "June 17th. My wedding day." I whispered. "Are you going
to be okay?"

	I shrugged. "Probably not. I think I'm going to stay home and
drink myself into a stupor."

	Nick nodded. "Okay. If you need anything, just call me."

	"I will."

	The door opened and Brian walked back in, holding a huge bag from
Taco Bell.

	"I brought some real food back." He said with a grin, dumping the
bag on the table on top of the fruit and vegetables that the record
company thought we should be eating.

	"Kick ass." Nick said, standing up and heading towards the table.
He reached for a chicken soft taco and a packet of hot sauce. I watched
the two of them devour a taco each before saying a word to each other.

	"I'm going to go take a walk." I said to them, leaving them
alone.

	Nick and Brian watched me leave the room. I shut the door behind
me and waited a second before putting my ear to the door. I knew I
shouldn't be eavesdropping on them, but I couldn't help myself.

	"Is he okay Brian?"

	"He hasn't let me talk to him about anything besides Kristen or
this record in about a week. We were making a lot of progress."

	"I thought he was doing better with the Kristen situation."

	"Nick. What happened between you and Kevin?"

	"Bri, it's not that easy. Some shit happened between us that we
can't talk about to each other, much less anyone else. I wish I could
just turn back the clock and fix the past."

	Nick's voice was hurt. "Bri, I love him. And he treated me like a
child in front of a stranger."

	"Nicky. Kevin's going through a lot of shit right now. Just give
him time."

	Brian was sticking up for me. And he didn't seem at all surprised
that Nick was in love with me.

	And Nick was in love with me.

	I backed away from the door slowly. I didn't want to hear
anymore. I hated my life. I hated myself. I needed to get away.

	"Kevin?" A voice broke into my thoughts. I turned around slowly.
AJ was standing behind me with a cigarette in his hand. We wouldn't let
him smoke in the studio, so he would go outside the room when he wanted
one.

	"How long have you been listening to them?" He asked me, taking a
drag on his cigarette.

	I held my hand out. He passed me the pack of cigarettes. I took
one out and he lit it for me.

	"Kevin. We all know that you are in love with him. Why won't you
admit it to yourself?"

	"Am I that obvious?" I muttered, holding the lit cigarette in my
hand. I don't smoke. I took a small drag and let the smoke sit in my
mouth.

	"Actually yes, you are."

	AJ walked over to me. "Howie, Brian, and I had a talk the other
day about the two of you. Brian was actually the one who brought it up.
Do you know how he feels?"

	I shrugged. "He's been helping me through some stuff lately. I
guess he's mad at me for feeling this way."

	"Nope. He's sick of watching the two of you pine for each other,
as are Howie and I."

	"What do you want me to do AJ?"

	AJ shrugged. "Whatever feels right to you Kevin. We can't force
you to do anything you don't want to do."

	"I'm going to go home AJ. Tell everyone that I'm okay." I
whispered to him, handing him my lit cigarette.

	"I'm going to call you later. Just to make sure you're okay."

	I nodded. "Thanks Alex."




i can't live in his shadow is that where i'm dancing till i die




	My hand closed around the neck of the bottle I had been drinking
from. I had been basically been drinking since I left the studio
yesterday. I had managed to sound sober enough when AJ called me last
night for him not to come over here.

	I stood up shakily and changed the CD again. I had no clue what I
was listening to most of the time, I just liked the sound of music
playing as I wandered through the house.

	I vaguely recognized Janet Jackson's voice coming through the
speakers as I sat on the kitchen floor holding my bottle of scotch.

	Today was supposed to be my wedding day. I was supposed to be
standing in front of my brother Tim as he married me and Kristen back
home in Kentucky. I was supposed to be happy. I was supposed to
be...dressed.

	I looked down at myself for probably the first time all day. I
was sitting on my kitchen floor wearing a pair of socks. That's it. I
struggled to get up from the floor, falling all over myself in the
process. I gave up and began to crawl along the floor, listening to the
song filling the house.

How could it be
That you know me
My deepest fears
My fantasies
Confide in you
What no one knows
But it feels so real
When i close my eyes
I can see your face
When i lick my lips
I can taste your smile
When i see your name
My heart starts to race
If i can't read your thoughts
Then i feel empty
Is this a new
Way to love
Never face to face
Is it enough
Does it really count
Or am i a fool
So tell me please
am i wasting my time
Your phrases
Descriptive
And through the textured words
With beauty
You post it
And use such colored verbs
We've never met
When i close my eyes
I can see your face
When i lick my lips
I can taste your smile
When i see your name
My heart starts to race
If i can't read your thoughts
Then i feel empty
I'm rushin' home
To turn you on
Sometimes you're there
Sometimes you're gone
Wait for hours
For your return
So tell me please
Am i wasting my time
Your phrases
Descriptive
And through the textured words
With beauty
You post it
And use such colored verbs
So tell me
You think that
Maybe we've gone insane
To find a, a lover
And trough the words of pain
We've never met
When i close my eyes
I can see your face
When i lick my lips
I can taste your smile
When i see your name
My heart starts to race
If i can't read your thoughts
Then i feel empty*

	I opened my eyes and found myself in the laundry room. I reached
for clothes that were in a pile, putting something on to cover my body.

	I have no clue what I've been doing for the past 24 hours. I took
another drink of scotch, not even tasting it anymore. How much have I
drank today already?

	I sat up and looked around the laundry room for a moment.
Everything seemed to spin around and shift.

	My vision coalesced to pinpoint one object in the doorway. A
person, watching me as I struggled to function.

	"What the hell are you doing here?" I slurred angrily, spitting
the words out as best I could.

	"You're drunk Kevin. Let me help you." A hand reached out to me
and I tried to hit it away.

	"I don't need your help. Why are you here?"

	"It's the 17th."

	I began to laugh. "Guess what! I'm aware of the fucking date!"

	"I needed to see you today. To try and explain."

	I pushed myself up, hitting away the helping hand again. "You
picked today of all days to explain why you left me. How sweet of you.
Do you enjoy pouring salt in my wounds?"

	Kristen stood her ground, taking the abuse I was flinging at her.

	"Well start fucking talking you bitch." I spit out, barely aware
of what I was saying.

	Kristen's hand met my cheek with force. I raised my own hand,
pressing it against my face, looking at her with shock.

	"Don't you ever fucking call me a bitch again, Kevin!"

	The slap had sobered me up enough to realize that Kristen was
standing in my house. She was really there, not just an apparition in
my mind like usual.

	 "Why did you leave me?" I asked softly, taking another drink
from my bottle of scotch.

	"Let's go sit in the living room."

	I shook my head stubbornly, swaying as I walked towards the door
in the laundry room that lead out back.

	"Fine. Let's go sit outside."

	Kristen followed me out, shutting the door behind her. It was
raining. I didn't know that it was raining. I staggered over to a chair
on the back porch and sat down in it heavily.

	I watched the woman I had loved for so long as she arranged her
long limbs on the chair. Her slender hand pushed her long blond hair
back behind her ear. She licked her lips before starting to talk.

	"I do love you Kevin."

	"You've got a funny way of showing it." I said bitterly.

	Her glare was frosty. I shut my mouth, determined not to say
anything again until she had finished.

	"I do love you Kevin, but I can't live my life like this anymore.
This isn't a relationship anymore. It hasn't been for a long time. It's
not for lack of trying on my part either Kevin."

	Her voice was accusing as she shot a withering stare at me.

	"I don't know where I stand in your life anymore. I have never
come first in your heart. I guess I let myself believe that I didn't
have to be first as long as I was in your heart. Not anymore. I know
who is first in your heart and that explains so much about our
relationship."

	I closed my eyes.

	"I don't even think you realize who you really are in love with.
Do you Kevin? Do you know who your heart belongs to?"

	I nodded, keeping my eyes closed. "Nick." I whispered.

	"When did you finally figure that out Kevin?"

	"A few weeks ago." My voice was still a whisper. My hand clenched
the neck of the scotch bottle tightly. I didn't make a single movement.

	"Do you still want me Kevin? Are you still in love with me?"

	"I'm not willing to throw away seven years of my life because you
don't think I am in love with you anymore. Of course I love you. I've
always loved you."

	My voice got louder as I spoke, finally rising to a point where I
was almost shouting.

	"Well I've already thrown away seven years of my life with you
Kevin. I'm not willing to throw away anymore of my life on you."

	"Why are you here?" I asked her, my voice filled with despair.
This was not making me feel any better.

	"To end this finally. I talked to Brian the other day."

	I interrupted her. "You talked to Brian! When?"

	"Thursday. What does it matter when?"

	I shook my head slowly. "You wouldn't understand."

	"You're right. I wouldn't. Because you never let me in enough for
me to understand what's going on inside of you."

	"You talked to Brian? What did he say?"

	Kristen sighed heavily. "He told me that you have been beating
yourself up over this. And he also told me that you are finally trying
to come to terms with your sexuality."

	Her voice quivered slightly on the last part. Apparently she was
uncomfortable with that fact too.

	"I'm not coming back to you Kevin. I came here today to close the
book on this part of my life. I had to see you one more time to make
sure that I was doing the right thing for me."

	I nodded my vision blurred from unshed tears. "Are you?"

	"Yes I am." She stood up slowly. "Goodbye Kevin."

	And she was gone again. I cried on my back porch, listening to
the faint music still being played through my house. I could hear
Lauryn Hill's voice. I could hear her words. And I just sobbed more.

It could all be so simple
But you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

Is this just a silly game
That forces you to act this way
Forces you to scream my name
Then pretend that you can't stay
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain't workin'
It ain't workin'
And when I try to walk away
You'd hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy
This is crazy

I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been
I just can't be with no one else
See I know what we got to do
You let go and I'll let go too
'Cause no one's hurt me more than you
And no one ever will

No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain't workin'
It ain't workin'
And when I try to walk away
You'd hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy
This is crazy

Care for me, care for me
I know you care for me

There for me, there for me
Said you'd be there for me

Cry for me, cry for me
You said you'd die for me

Give to me, give to me
Why won't you live for me**


	I took a deep gulp of air, trying to get oxygen to my burning
lungs. My eyes felt gritty and my face was wet. I was all alone.

	The phone was next to me. Barely realizing what I was doing, I
picked it up. My hand shook as I dialed Nick's number. I needed him now
more then I ever did before.

	"Hello?"

	"Nick." I whispered. "Nick."

	"Kevin! Is that you?" His voice took on a panicked tone.

	"Nick. I need you..."

	And I finally, mercifully, passed out.




now i don't light candles because they only make me see that light




	I blinked slowly, squinting at the light in the room. I was in my
bed. The shades were drawn. A lamp was on over by the chair in the
corner of the room.

	I opened my eyes all the way. Nick was curled up in the chair
with a book.

	My head hurt. I didn't remember what happened except...Kristen.
Had she really been here? I turned my head and let the tears begin to
fall again.

	A moment later, I felt a weight on my bed. Nick's hand brushed my
cheek.

	"Kevin." Nick's voice was soft, loving. He slid closer to me,
leaning over to kiss my forehead.

	"You're finally awake. You had me scared for awhile."

	I turned my face away from Nick. I couldn't look at him. Nick's
hand gently pushed my face back towards him.

	"What time is it?" I managed to choke out. My throat was dry and
my lips were cracked. Nick picked up a glass of water and held it to my
lips so I could drink it.

	"Almost 10 pm. You've been passed out since about 2:30 this
afternoon. What happened?"

	I shook my head, squeezing my eyes closed to keep the tears in.
Nick let it drop. He squeezed my hand tightly.

	"I cleaned up a little for you. This place looked like a tornado
hit it. Interesting CD's you were listening to by the way. Did you pick
the most depressing one's you could find or did it just happen that
way?"

	"I don't know what I was listening to. I remember Empty and Ex-
factor. That's it."

	Nick nodded. "I found those CD's mixed in the pile. I cleaned
those up."

	I could tell he wanted to say something else too. Nick looked
away. "I cleaned up the living room too Kevin."

	"What did I do to the living room?" I whispered.

	"You got sick in it. A few times." Nick turned his head away from
me. I closed my eyes again, feeling the embarrassment rise in me. I
didn't even remember throwing up.

	"Thank you." I whispered, squeezing Nick's hand back.

	I yawned, the need to go back to sleep overtaking me. I didn't
want Nick to leave though.

	"Nick. I need you." I whispered. He nodded, getting up and
walking over to the lamp. He turned it off, plunging the bedroom into
darkness.

	A moment later he slid under the covers, wrapping his arms around
my back. I grabbed his arms, holding on to him tightly. I could feel
his bare skin pressed up against me as he held me tightly. Nick rested
he head right behind mine.

	"I love you Kevin."

	"I love you Nick."




that i can't help failing to remember to forget you




	 "NO!!" I screamed, sitting straight up in the bed. Sweat was
pouring off my body as I shivered violently.

	Nick sat up and quickly turned on the light.

	"Kevin! What's wrong?" He knelt on top of the covers, taking my
hands in his own and forcing me to look at him.

	I couldn't focus, my eyes were filled with tears. The sweat
dripping into them burned as I tried to blink it away. Nick's hands
trembled as he wiped my face with the blanket.

	"Nick." I mumbled, falling onto him heavily. Nick sat me back up
and pulled the blankets off of me.

	"We're getting in the shower. Come on Kevin. Help me out here."

	I couldn't make my limbs move. They were so heavy. Nick half
dragged, half carried me into the bathroom. I could feel him pulling my
boxers and socks off.

	I could feel the water running over my body as Nick held me up.
He was in the shower too, holding me under the water as he trembled. I
had a momentary realization that I was scaring the shit out of Nick,
but then it was gone.

	The water.

	The water.

	Nick.

	My bed again.

	Nick holding me, smoothing my hair as I laid on his chest.

	Whispering something to me.

	Moonlight.

	Sleep.




and i know it's gonna be a long time and i'm crying like a church on
monday




	I blinked, my eyes slowly adjusting to the sunlight. Nick was
sitting on the bed, Indian-style, watching me. A smile broke across his
face when he saw my eyes open.

	"Kevin?" His voice was soft, anticipating the pain I was in.

	"Yeah." I whispered back.

	"How are you feeling?"

	"Like I'd rather be dead. What happened?"

	Nick shrugged. "I don't really know. You've been pretty much
unconscious since I got here yesterday."

	"What day is it?"

	Nick smoothed back my hair. "It's Sunday, the 18th. It's almost
12:30."

	"I made it." I whispered a small smile crossing my face. "Yes you
did. Barely." Nick said, still running his hand gently over my hair.

	"Kristen was here yesterday." I whispered. Surprisingly no tears
came when I said that.

	"Oh Kev." Nick said softly.

	"She wanted to explain. She wanted to tell me why she left."

	Nick nodded. "You don't have to tell me this Kevin." I nodded.
"Yes I do."

	He nodded again. "Okay. Go on."

	"She said that she wasn't the person I loved. My heart belonged
to someone else."

	Nick's touch became lighter. "Who is that?"

	"You." I whispered, reaching up and taking his hand in mine. Nick
stopped moving.

	"Kristen said that?"

	I nodded, trying to sit up so I could look at him face to face.

	"Is she right?"

	I reached my hand out, trembling slightly and touched Nick's soft
cheek.

	"Yes, she is."




praying for these feelings to go away




	Nick pulled his hand away from mine and climbed out of my bed. He
ran his hands through his short hair as he walked over to the window. I
didn't say anything. He didn't say anything. The ball was in his court.
All I could do was wait.

	"You can't do this to me Kevin. I can't go on living my life
wondering if you are just telling me what I want to hear."

	I slowly climbed out of bed.

	"I'm not doing that Nick. I wouldn't let myself believe that I
felt this way for so long. I'm sorry that I played around with your
heart Nick."

	Nick turned around to face me. I imagine that I made quite a
sight at the moment. I could barely stand, the world was spinning so
much. I hadn't shaved in two days. My eyes were probably red from
crying.

	"Let's get you in the shower."

	Nick led me into the bathroom and helped me into the shower. He
stayed in the room with me to make sure that I was okay. When I was
finished, he sat me down on the toilet and carefully shaved my face for
me.

	I felt terrible having to rely on Nick so much, but I could
barely lift my arms. Nick led me back into my bedroom and dressed me in
sweatpants and a T-shirt.

	He quickly threw on his clothes from yesterday. Neither of us had
said a word during the whole shower. I knew Nick had to think about
what I had said and I didn't have the energy to push him.

	Nick sat me at the kitchen table and poured me a cup of hot
coffee. I took it gratefully, sipping it slowly.

	"Do you want anything to eat?"

	I shook my head. "Only the coffee for now. Thank you."

	Nick sat down next to me and watched as I drank my coffee. He
sipped on a cup of tea he had made for himself.

	"I love you Kevin." Nick said suddenly. I looked up at him from
my coffee. His face was sincere. His eyes told me that he was telling
me the truth.

	"That morning after...after we had sex, I lied to you. I told you
that I didn't love you. It was all a lie Kevin. I'm deeply, madly,
passionately in love with you."

	"Nick." I started, but he held up his hand.

	"Let me finish Kevin. Yesterday when I got here, you were passed
out on the back porch, barely breathing. The phone had fallen to the
ground and a broken bottle of scotch was at your feet. Music was
playing throughout the house at top volume. I had no clue what to do to
help you. So I picked you up and carried you into your bedroom. I
undressed you and laid you down on your stomach. Then I curled up in
that chair and watched you as I cried. I didn't know if you were alive
or dead and I couldn't move to check on you. I was afraid I had lost
you before I even had you."

	He drew in a deep breath before continuing.

	"And then when you woke up from whatever nightmare you were
having, you were so out of it. I took you into the shower and you
didn't even realize where you were. I have never been more frightened
in my life. Promise me you will never do that to me again."

	I nodded. "Never Nick. I promise."

	His hand found mine and squeezed tightly. "I can't let you get
into a relationship with me Kevin. I won't let you subject yourself to
my life. I don't want you to go through what I have to go through."

	I shook my head. "The guys know. All of them. AJ told me
yesterday that they know already. They just want me, us, to do what
makes us happy."

	"I know how the guys feel. I'm talking about the hiding, the
fear, the self-loathing. You can never be yourself again if you are
with me Kevin. We will spend the rest of our lives hiding."

	"And I love you too much to make you go through it too."

	Nick started to get up, but I refused to relinquish the grip I
had on his hand.

	"I don't care. Weren't you the person who told me that if the
rest of the world can't deal with it, that's their problem, not yours.
You just want to live your life. Well I just want to live my life too.
And I want to live it with you."

	Nick sighed and sat back down.

	"You don't know what you are getting yourself into Kevin."

	"And neither do you Nick. You've never done this before either. I
at least have spent seven years hiding my relationship with my
girlfriend from the public. I have some experience in hiding."

	Nick's face scrunched up for a moment as he shook his head
slowly.

	"Oh fuck it."

	Nick leaned over and kissed me softly on the lips, pressing his
own against mine. I kissed him back.

	When he pulled away, there was a smile on both of our faces.

	"I'm going to guess that oh fuck it means yes, you will be my
boyfriend."

	"Yeah I suppose it does."











so do me a favor baby put down your new god and love me like sunday
again




	It was Monday morning. Nick had spent the night at my house again
last night. We had stopped at his place to get him clean clothes before
heading to the studio to face the music, literally.

	None of the guys were in the booth. They were all sitting around
drinking coffee and watching cartoons when we walked in.

	"Morning." Nick said to everyone. Grunts of hello were heard from
all of them. He went over to get us some coffee while I sat down next
to Brian.

	"Hey guys." I said trying to hide the huge smile I had on my
face.

	"Why are you so happy?" Howie asked grumpily. "Oh no reason." I
said looking over at Nick with a smile.

	AJ raised an eyebrow at me questioningly. "How did Saturday go
Kevin?" He asked.

	I frowned. Nick handed me the coffee and sat next to me. He
reached over and squeezed my hand briefly before letting go.

	"Kristen showed up."

	The TV was immediately turned off and all attention in the room
turned to me.

	"What happened Kevin?"

	I shook my head, gesturing towards Nick. He understood and
explained what had happened, leaving out the part where she told me
that I was in love with Nick.

	Brian wrapped his arms around me when Nick finished. "Oh Kevin.
I'm so sorry about all that."

	"Good thing Nick was there for you Kevin." AJ said to both of us.
Nick and I exchanged glances.

	AJ knew something that Howie and Brian hadn't picked up on yet.
And he was going to keep dropping hints until we said something.

	"Where's Mike at?" Nick asked, looking around the room.

	"Meeting." Howie grunted. He still wasn't awake enough to
participate that much in the conversation.

	"Okay. Kevin and I want to talk to you guys about something."
Nick took a deep breath as the attention in the room switched to him.

	"Did you two finally get together?" Howie asked before Nick could
speak.

	My jaw dropped. Nick's jaw dropped. AJ began to smile. Brian sat
there.

	"Well I'm going to take that as a yes since neither of them can
speak to say yes or no." Howie said reaching over to give me a hug.

	"Well congratulations to both of you." He said turning to give
Nick a hug too.

	"Both of you know how I feel about this since I've been on both
of your cases for some time now." AJ said grinning happily.

	I slid down to the floor to sit next to my cousin. He hadn't said
anything yet. Brian's eyes were focused on his folded hands.

	"Bri?"

	"Yeah Kev?"

	"You okay?"

	Brian shrugged and looked at me. "I know we've been trying to
figure this out together and all, but I guess I had still hoped that
you would choose to be straight."

	He nodded slowly. "I know. It's not a choice and part of me knew
that you would eventually realize how much you love him. I don't hate
you Kevin and I'm not going to stop caring about you because of this.
It's just going to take some time for me to accept that you and Nick
are actually together in that way."

	I hugged him tightly. "Thank you Brian." I whispered. I knew that
was a big step for him. He let go of me and stood up.

	"Nick."

	Nick stopped talking to AJ and Howie and turned to look at Brian.
He took Brian's out-stretched hand and stood up.

	"You've always been my little brother. I guess now you're part of
the family for real."

	Brian pulled Nick into a hug for the first time since Nick had
told him he was gay.










there ain't no use in trying to stop me



	"Give me a hand with this Kev." Nick said as he struggled with a
huge plant.

	I wiped off my hands and ran over to help him. We were adding
some new plants and trees to the yard in back of our house.

	Yeah, our house. Nick and I decided that we needed a place of our
own about six months ago. We had found this perfect slice of heaven
almost immediately. We snapped it up the day we saw it.

	It's been a year since Nick and I got together. We're still happy
and very much in love. And now we are both free from the pressures of
hiding our relationship.

	The five of us had officially announced the end of the Backstreet
Boys at the last show of our tour. We had all known it was coming and
we weren't surprised. Most of our fans weren't either. They were
naturally disappointed, but they seemed to understand that we needed to
move on.

	AJ has already released a solo album titled 'Johnny No-Name and
his Tin-Can Orchestra plays Sinatra.' It's actually a pretty funny
album with AJ poking a lot of fun at himself.

	Brian got married in August. He and Leighanne are pretty much
staying out of the spotlight for now. He is planning on recording an
album of his own but he hasn't decided when he wants to do that yet.

	Howie has thrown himself into charity and fundraising projects,
mainly focusing on Lupus. His Lupus 2001 concert was even bigger then
the one the year before, drawing such acts as 'Nsync, TLC, Elton John,
Destiny's Child, 98*, and many others. The surprise ending of the
evening had been a performance by the five of us. It was kind of nice
to get back up onstage.

	Neither Nick or I had any real plans to re-enter the music
business. Nick decided that he wanted to go to college. He enrolled in
the University of Tampa starting this fall. He's an art major.

	I was basically just enjoying the time I had with Nick. I've had
a few offers to do some modeling but I had requested not to start those
until the fall when Nick started college.

	Nick and I never made an announcement about the two of us. When
the band did end, we stopped hiding. If we went out in public, we
weren't shy about holding hands or kissing each other. The press picked
up the story quickly and ran with it.

	AJ was the one who finally told the press with our full
permission. It helped the publicity for his new album as well as got
them off our backs.

	It hasn't been all happy and easy for me and Nick. My mom, even
as open-minded as she is, didn't take it very well. She's gotten a lot
better, but she still can't refer to Nick as my boyfriend, even though
she does treat him like a member of the family.

	Nick's family on the other hand, was thrilled. Jane was so
excited that her little Nicky had finally found someone. And the fact
it was me, someone she knew and trusted, made it even better. Robert
was happy because it meant that Jane would stop trying to fix Nick up.
That was driving him batty.

	Missy was thrilled because it meant that she didn't have to
listen to me whine about Nick. JC was also thrilled for pretty much the
same reason. The two of them got a little surprise in their lives about
a month ago when Missy gave birth to a baby girl. They named her Laura.
JC is on top of the world still. He can't stop talking about her in
interviews. The rest of the guys have to put their hands over his mouth
for any of them to get a word in.

	As I helped Nick carry the plant into the backyard, I found
myself looking forward to the future. Anything could happen now.

	"Hey Kev."

	"Yeah Nick?"

	He put down the plant and looked at me. I looked back at him with
a smile on my face.

	"I love you."



Author's notes:

	The title for this story 'Crying Like a Church on Monday' is taken
from the New Radicals. The little phrases between sections are the lyrics
to that song. I don't know why I ended up using that title and those
lyrics. They just seemed to speak to me today.

	* This song is Empty by Janet Jackson. It appears on The Velvet
Rope CD

	** This song is Ex-Factor by Lauryn Hill. It appears on The
Miseducation of Lauryn Hill CD.

	I couldn't tell you why I decided to post this as a single story
instead of breaking it up into chapters like my other stories. I guess I
wanted it all out at the same time.

	I hope everyone enjoyed it. Let me know what you think. Thanks!

	Also check out my other, now completed for the most part, stories.
Escape, Choices, and Little Earthquakes.

	Catch ya' guys with the next story. Look for it in the next month.
It's called 'The Fragile.'

	Rachel