Date: Sun, 10 Dec 2000 11:46:10 -0800 (PST)
From: NCfan <ngclle@yahoo.com>
Subject: boy-bands/desperate measures 4

Disclaimer: I do not know the Backstreet Boys.  This following piece of
writing is a work of fiction.  Anyone under 18 should not continue to read
as this contains adult material.

Again, I thank all of you who emailed me with all your suggestions and
compliments.  You guys are my inspiration!!!!  Please email me with
comments!  ngclle@yahoo.com

*************

Brian's bright blue eyes only reflected disturbance as he looked at me,
pondering his impending speech.  Perhaps he did not know the words to say
that could make the situation less poignant than it already was.  The truth
was probably very simple.  Only, the people involved made it complicated.

Brian could see the fire in my eyes, I knew it.  But he sat there ignoring
my aching body.  It was aching for a revelation.  Maybe Nick loved me.
Maybe he told Brian all along and that all the things he did was just a way
to play hard to get.  If that were the case, he was good.  Damn good.

Brian sighed.  Mahbe he no longer knew the reason why we were going through
this conversation.  Could he be afraid to reveal, afraid to betray Nick's
trust in him?  Finally, in an irritated voice, Brian bit his lip.  "Look,
Kevin, let's just keep this lunch friendly and not be so demanding."  With
that, Brian looked down at his plate, the lack of resolve soaring through
his body.

I stared, dumbfounded by Brian's words.  Did I hear correctly?  Did Brian
just refuse to reveal Nick's secret?  I mustered all my energy to hold
myself back from punching Brian in the jaw.  In my calmest voice that could
chill any human to the very bones, I expressed my innermost thoughts.  "You
mean to tell me that you threw me millions of hints, pushed my curiosity to
its peak only to sit there like a log and and keep your sorry mouth shut?"

Brian was dead!  I didn't think that I could control myself anymore.  The
anger was so powerful, I felt dizzy all of a sudden.  Then, just then, his
voice hit me like a bag of stones.  "If you really want to know, why don't
you ask Nick?"

Did he just taunt me right there?  I swore he was taunting me.  "And how do
you suggest I approach him?" I answered calmly, my heart feeling like ice.

Brian looked at me uncomfortably.  "Umm, ask him about his life.  Ask him
about his past."

I gritted my teeth.  "What makes you think that he would want to tell me."

Brian was trembling by now.  "I don't know," he fumbled.  "Be creative.
Look honest."

Could Brian be that dense?  Be creative?  Look honest?  What kind of sorry
excuse of a plan was that?  I felt fire from within.  I was about to jump
at Brian and beat the truth out of him when I suddenly noticed that Brian
was gone.

All right, so I wasn't going to beat it out of Brian.  That leaves me with
just one choice.  I grinded my teeth to try to dissipate the unsettled
feelings from inside me.  Would Nick respond to my questions?  And what was
it I was trying to find out anyways?

*************

I knocked on Nick's door.  The last thing I needed was to see that big oaf
Michael there.  "Just a minute," Nick's sweet voice rang out.  That boy
needs to learn about not trusting people.  Sheesh.  His voice is so full of
. . . trust.

As soon as my last thoughts finished, Nick opened the door and looked at me
in shock.  "What are you doing here?" he asked defensively.  I was amused
at his expression, half scorn, half wonder.

"I just wanted to talk.  Do you have time?" But before he could answer, I
walked into his apartment.  Sometimes I can be so overbearing.  To my utter
relief, Michael was nowhere to be found.

I turned around to face Nick, who had already closed the door behind him
and locked it.  I gulped.  Then I looked into his eyes, those crystal blue
eyes.  No, they were more sapphire than crystal.  How do I approach this
. . . after what happened yesterday?

Nick shrugged.  "What do you want to talk about?"  I nearly choked.  His
voice was gentle, with no hint of anger.  Wasn't he supposed to be angry at
me?  Wasn't he supposed to throttle me before I continued?  Why was he
being so nice to me?

"I, umm, wanted to . . . what I'm saying is that . . . I don't know why I
did what I did . . . the truth is . . . "  Damn it.  I sounded stupid, like
someone had cut off my tongue.  If only that were the case!

Nick leaned back against the wall.  Again, he was at least ten feet away
from me.  He closed his beautiful blue eyes.  "Brian told you something."
His voice was so calm, I became scared.  He didn't point his fingers at me,
but I knew he was accusing me.

I gulped.  "Yes, and no."  Maybe I should say as little as possible.

His eyes opened once again, and I tried to avoid looking at them, but I
couldn't.  They were so hypnotizing.  Then, he continued.  "I think I've
figured it out," he said with an extremely lulling voice.  But my mind was
too mesmerized to understand a single word he said.

"What is it, Nick?" I asked weakly.  "I know I haven't been the greatest
these past few days.  But you've got to give me credit.  I've tried."  I
didn't even know what I was talking about.

He looked at me with disappointment, ignoring my words.  "You like to play
around a lot, don't you Kev?"  Gosh the way he said my name was so
intimate.

Nick continued.  "You like to mess with people's hearts and then crush
them, don't you?"

My mouth dropped.  "What are you saying?" I asked weakly.

Nick stared at me, only to stab me over and over again with his judgment of
me.  "People like Michael, Eric, Tom, Chris, John.  How many boyfriends do
you want to hurt before you let go?  Why is it so important that you try to
win people over and then stomp on them?"  Nick's eyes watered a little, but
I could tell that he didn't want to cry in front of me.

I was dumbstruck by this sudden confrontation, and more hurt than he
probably would have thought.  "Why are you b----ing about this now?" I said
harshly.  "What I do with my life is none of your business!"  I walked
straight up to him and held him by the shoulders.

We were close, inches apart.  Then, without any words, I looked into his
eyes and suddenly knew the secret that Brian alluded to.  How could I not
have interpreted those puppy dog looks in his eyes?  He loved me!  He loved
me all along.  Why else would he have followed me around the city last
night?  Why else would he have asked me why I raped him?  He wanted to know
if I had loved him at all!

I pushed my face against his, capturing his lips with mine as I tried to
shut him up.  I could feel him yielding to me initially, but within half a
minute, he pushed me away.  "Why is it so important that you try to get
me?" Nick asked.  "Am I that interesting of a prize?  Or am I that fun to
play?  If you don't love me at all, then why did you go through all that
trouble to court me?"

I couldn't answer him.  My throat was dry and aching.  If I didn't love
him, then why did I go through all that effort to seduce him?  "Because you
were so innocent.  I was angered.  I guess in some ways, I'm jealous of
your purity."

His eyes watered.  "So you never loved me, at all."  Nick said softly.  It
was more of a statement than a question.  He gazed at me and I couldn't
look into his eyes.

"I'm sorry, Nick.  I didn't mean for it to go so bad.  I was angry and I
needed an outlet.  I needed to feel loved, to feel wanted."

He turned away from me, staggering a little.  "You don't need to say
anymore.  You had a bad past.  You needed an outlet.  Well, I'm glad that I
helped you relieve some steam.  I hope you feel better."

He started to walk away from me, but before he disappeared from his room,
he turned around.  "And Kevin?  If it makes you feel any better, you
shouldn't doubt your skills of seduction.  Apparently, a man would have to
be stone not to respond to you."  With that, he was gone.

I stared at the wall blankly for the next few hours.  So that was it.  My
grand plan did work.  I made Nick fall in love with me.  He wasn't begging
for sex, but he fell in love with me.  Then why didn't I feel good?  Why
did I feel so empty inside?  I've proven that I'm extremely attractive.  I
even got little Nicky to fall in love with me!  Damn it, I feel like I'm
going to jump off a bridge.

Slowly, I staggered back to my room and waited for sleep to wash away my
sadness.  I made him fall in love with me, I sobbed bitterly.  And with a
heavy heart, I fell asleep, his picture on my chest.

I woke up to a merciless pounding on my door.  I could kill that damn
Brian!  "What is it?" I screamed at the door.

"Let me in!" Brian demanded.

With a grunt, I walked to the door and unlatched it.  Brian stormed into
the room in fury, making me fall back from shock.  "Where is he?" Brian
yelled at me.

I looked at the clock.  It was midnight!!!!  How could I have slept so
soundly.

"Where is he?" Brian cried out more urgently as he suddenly realized that I
might not know where Nick was.

"How the hell should I know?"  I said, irritated.

"How could you possibly have gotten him so upset?  And why are you here
sleeping rather than comforting him?" Brian cried out, exasperated.  "If I
had known this, I would have told you myself."

I glared at Brian.  "You knew it all along and you didn't tell me?"

Brian looked miserable.  "It was a sensitive issue.  I couldn't just tell
you.  I didn't know how?"

"Oh, so you let me guess my way into a conversation with him today!  So
there, happy?" I said sarcastically.  "He bursted into tears and ran off.
I don't know where."  I paced about the room.

Suddenly, I noticed that Brian was completely silent, and there was a look
of confusion on his face.  "He bursted into tears?" Brian asked.  The most
unnerving thing was that he looked deep in thought, as if he couldn't
possibly understand why Nick would burst into tears after confessing his
love to me and me rejecting it.

"Yeah!  I told him that I didn't love him back!" I spat at Brian.  The
expression on Brian's face scared me.

"He loved you?" Brian phrased it in the form of a question.  His eyebrows
were raised high from the shock and surprise.

I stopped dead in my tracks at Brian's question.  "Yeah, that's what he
told me."  Suddenly, I couldn't find my voice again.  I turned my head to
look at him.  "That was what you were going to tell me this afternoon,
right?" I croaked, suddenly realizing just how complicated this situation
was getting.  Brian's face became white as a sheet.


Brian began to tremble.  He shook his head as the tears flowed freely.  My
heart seemed to have fallen ten feet into the ground as Brian uttered the
next words.  "I've gotta find him.  G-d, no.  I've gotta find him."  He
turned around and dashed for the door.  But I was too slow.  I couldn't
grab him in time as he disappeared behind the door.  I quickly ran after
him and jumped into his hotel room.  He didn't try to lock me out.  He
grabbed his cell phone.  I knew he was trying to get a hold of Nick's cell
phone.  I stared nervously as he frantically dialed the number.

My heart started to heave as I suddenly realized the amount of fear in
Brian's movements, in his words.  He never cussed, but in the past few
minutes, I heard him scream out every profanity there was.  I was starting
to get scared, really scared.

"Nick?!!!!" Brian screamed into his phone.  "Nick?!!!!  This is Brian!
You're there right?  You're okay, right?  Where are you?  I'm scared.
Please call me back now!!!!!"  I actually thought he got a hold of Nick,
but then I realized that it was Nick's voice mail.

I twisted my fingers nervously around each other.  Nick loved me! But that
was not the secret.  My mind screamed out in fear.  The curiosity I had
about Nick's secret was still burning, but compared to my worry over him,
the curiosity was nothing.

Nick loved me.  Then why did I push him away?  Did I not love him?  Was it
really just a game?  I closed my eyes and all I saw were his beautiful
light blue eyes.  Why couldn't I get them out of my head?  What was wrong
with me?

Nick loved me . . . and I love him.  The tears slid down my cheeks.  And I
love him.

****************

Brian and I stared at each other while we sat in his room, anticipating
Nick's call.  If Nick truly cared about his, please let him call and tell
us that's he's okay, that he just needed an outlet to vent himself.

I promised that as soon as that phone rang, I would push Brian aside and
scream into the phone that I love Nick.  But half an hour passed by.  Brian
left a few hundred other messages on Nick's voice mail.  Still, Brian's
cell phone did not ring once.

I was becoming impatient.  I was still hurt that Brian did not take the
time to settle my curiosity once and for all and just me Nick's damn
secret.  Just when I was about to ask him nicely, Brian looked up at me
with sadness.  "So that you don't make another stupid mistake again, I'll
tell you.  But only because I don't want you to hurt him again."  Brian's
voice showed no compassion for me.

I nodded, waiting, hoping, praying.

Brian closed his eyes and the tears started to trickle down again.  "Nick
is very sick.  The doctor said that he will get a lot worse than what we're
seeing now.  They don't know when or how he's going to die.  They did lots
of blood work on him.  They said something about his blood cell count being
really high.  They said he has some type of leukemia, but not the ones that
have been treated easily.  They don't know what they're going to do with
him and any therapy is really experimental at this stage."

I gulped, but couldn't swallow.  I couldn't find my voice at all.  I didn't
need to say anything because Brian continued.

"They said that he has some type of chronic leukemia, and that since it's
insidious, we don't know when he'll have bouts of seizures, pain, or
bleeding."

I finally found the courage to say something.  "When did you find out?" I
squeaked.

"About a month ago."

"Does management know?"

"Yes."

"Then why are they making him go through all these promotions?" I demanded
angrily.  "And how long were you and Nick gonna keep this from us?"

Brian sighed.  "Nick didn't want you guys to worry.  He said he could
handle it on his own.  He said that it hadn't gotten to the point where
it's bothering him.  And plus, he wanted some time alone to think things
through."

I felt myself crumbling from those words.  "And why would you want him to
think things through?  So that he could foster suicidal thoughts?"

Brian immediately shook with rage.  "Don't say that!!!!  He's not suicidal.
He couldn't be.  He knows that we need him.  He knows that we love him.  He
wouldn't hurt himself unless he wants to hurt us as well."  Brian was
becoming hysterical, making me panic as well.

Just when me and Brian were about to throttle each other, we heard a soft
knock on the door.  We both ran for it and gazed in relief as Nick stood in
the doorway.  We were speechless.  Then Nick looked at us with his pale
face and in a soft voice, he said, "I just wanted to let you know that I'm
okay.  You don't have to worry about me."

With that, he turned around and walked back to his room.  I immediately
jumped in front of him.  "Nick," I pleaded.  "can I speak to you in
private?"

He nodded quietly and continued back to his room.  I hesitated, but
followed him.  I couldn't see his face, but I could tell that it would only
reveal sadness.  I followed him into his room.  Again, he put a lot of
distance between me and him, but I waited until he sat on his bed before I
walked over to him and sat near him.

Nick was the first to speak, though.  "You don't have to feel bad, Kevin.
I know you've been through a lot, and when Brian told me about your past
. . . don't blame Brian.  I forced him to tell me.  I guess I was unclear
about you and just wanted to know how you thought.  I've been thinking a
lot lately, and mostly today.  I won't blame you for anything.  You could
forget what we've said this afternoon.  Don't feel guilty about it.  I'm
not that young anymore, and I guess I should show some maturity.  You've
had a rough past.  Your innocence was taken from you at such a young age.
I guess I sort of understand your distrust in people now."

I felt myself sliding deeper and deeper in the mud.  The way he talked was
so soothing, so gentle.  I wanted to cry, but felt too undeserving to do
so.  I tried to put my hand on his, but he pulled his hand back.  "Nick,
don't do this.  Don't hold things back.  If you're angry, do something.
Punch me.  Scream at me.  I promise I won't fight back.  Don't say those
things.  They hurt.

And about what happened this afternoon, when you said that a man would have
to be stone not to respond to me?  Well, I just want to say that I man has
to be ten times as dense as stone not to respond to you.  Nick . . . I love
you.  I love you just as much as you love me, or even more.  Sometimes,
when I look at you, I can't keep my eyes off you.  It's not about the
conquest.  Honest, I couldn't admit it before, but I will now.  I wanted
you to fall in love with me because I was scared to admit that I've fallen
for you.  And now, I'm completely bruised from falling too deep.  I love
you, Nick."

There, I said it.  I put the ball back in his court, to do with my love as
he so desired.  He could stomp on it if he wanted.  He could shove it back
in my face.  But if he wanted to start a relationship with me, I would be
on my knees crying with joy.

But he didn't do any of that.  He didn't try to crush me.  And his next
words would forever haunt me.  Those eyes of his began to show what I was
afraid of--distrust.  His voice was still so gentle as his words stabbed my
heart and left me sullen for days.  "You don't have to pity me, Kev.  I'm
ill, but I'm not dying yet.  It's not like I'm going to die anytime soon.
If you had truly loved me, you would have said so this afternoon.  I don't
want you to say that you love me just because you're sorry that I'm going
to die.  Even if you don't love me, I'm gonna fight my leukemia until the
end.  I don't want to be your charity case.  I don't want a relationship
where I'm giving more than receiving.  And I don't want to force you to
love me."

I shook my head.  "No, that's not the case.  I love you, Nick.  I've loved
you since . . . "

But he cut me off.  "Since the day you forced me into bed with you?  Or
since you found out that Michael was competing against you and you found
that it would be a challenge to see if you can fight with him for me?  Or
since you found out that I had leukemia and had a slim chance of curing it?
You don't have to say anymore.  It's true.  I've loved you, but you don't
have to return it if you don't love me back."

I pulled his face so that I could look into those eyes.  "When did you
start loving me?" I asked him.

He gazed at me, those blue eyes wet with tears.  "Ten boyfriends ago."

"What?" I asked, confused.

"If you count the number of ex-boyfriends you had backwards starting with
the most recent one, then it you had gone through ten boyfriends ever since
I started falling in love with you."  His voice was so soft.  His lips
looked so soft.

"I don't even remember," I said as I continued to gaze into his eyes.

"But I've counted every one.  You were always confident.  You were
seductive.  You were really smooth.  Every one of your boyfriends were
mercilessly in love with you.  You're so beautiful.  But I knew that you
could have anybody you wanted.  You always went for the more experienced,
more masculine men.  I knew that my feelings for you would never be
returned.

And then, that night, you got drunk.  I guess if you weren't drunk, you
would have never gotten into bed with me.  I'm not as attractive as all
those men you dated, not even as attractive as Michael.  I guess I let my
hopes get too high.  I wanted to believe that you were attracted to me.
But these past few days, I've gotten to think about it a lot.  I have to
grow up and face reality.  I can't possibly let myself believe in
delusions.  I guess what I'm saying is that it's as much my fault as it is
yours.  That's why I don't blame you, Kevin."

I sat there, stunned by his words.  The love he had for me was so pure.  I
didn't know what I had done to earn such chaste love.  I raised my hand so
that I could stroke his hair.  I wanted to touch him, to feel if this were
for real, but he jerked back.  He wouldn't let me touch him.  "Please,
Nick.  Don't hold back like this."

He looked at me, his eyes full of anxiety.  "Don't.  I've used all my
strength.  I don't think I could handle anymore."

I bent forward and kissed him gently on the lips.  He tried to push me
away.  I knew why.  He thought I didn't love him, and that he wouldn't be
able to hold back his passion anymore.  I didn't care.  I pressed my lips
against his soft lips and kissed him passionately.  It began gentle, but it
became really intense.  I parted his lips and pushed my tongue into his
mouth.  Slowly, I drew him down onto the bed with me on top.  It was only
kissing, but it felt like I was making out heavily with him.  We never took
off any clothes, but I felt like we were both on the bed naked.

My hands slowly but urgently held his head so that I could push it towards
me.  I hoped I had answered his question about the pity.  If he actually
believed that what I had was pity, he was wrong!

His mouth was so sweet, hundreds and thousands of times more than my
favorite ex-boyfriend.  I couldn't believe how high I was, to have him
return a kiss.  We kissed for what seemed like hours.  Both him and I were
panting and broke the kiss only long enough to take another breath, but we
continued quickly.  I knew I was already hard, but didn't want to press it.
I wasn't going to have sex with him just like that.  He was too special.
The kissing was enough for me, for now.

Finally, I reluctantly broke the kiss.  "Does that answer your question
about the pity?" I asked him as my eyes roamed his eyes, his nose, his
lips.  Before he could say anything, I lowered my face and we began another
series of passionate kisses.  That night was the most sensual night I have
had since I was born.  I didn't care about the future nor the past.  I only
focused on how honey-like his lips and tongue were against my mouth.  If I
had anything to do with it, then he would never ever fall in love with
another man again.  I made sure of that.

***********************

All right, I've tried.  If anyone has comments, please email me at
ngclle@yahoo.com

I knew that I was kinda mean leaving you guys with a cliffhanger last time,
so I thought I'd end this installment on a less heart-wrenching note.  Do
you think this story should end soon?  Or do you want me to keep up this
story and develop Michael's story plot better?  Give me some feedback and
I'll see if I can satisfy you guys!