Date: Sun, 4 Jun 2000 19:06:56 -0600 (MDT) From: blackdove Subject: Don't say you love, Chapter 2 and 3 "Don't say you love" by Black dove Note: This work doesn't imply orientation, beliefs or anything about the real members of the boy bands here mentioned, this story is fictional and just for fun. In some parts the story will be in first person, in others in third; hope you'll enjoy it; I'm a girl, so if I write anything wrong please let me know. Special thanks to all that lovely persons that have been writing me, you encourage me to keep going, thanks a lot.:) Comments to blackdove@terra.com Chapter 2 Damn, I'm so angry with JC and Justin, I never thought that they would do something like that, I'm beginning to think that those two have hormones instead of neurons......to do something like that, and most of all hurting Lance. I can't imagine how he's feeling right now, he looks so peaceful though, he's lying on the bed with his hand over the pillow, on his side facing me ; Busta is sleeping too, next to him, it seems like Busta were trying to comfort him or...protect him from his pain... like I'm trying too. I remember that from the very start of the band I wasn't very happy with Lance's incursion to the group 'What does this boy knows about show business?'; I remember I thought that he never was gonna make it, that he will ending running to his mothers arms and that he would finish leaving the group, you know, too much discipline, the tours, the fans, to be confined in our hotel rooms...but he didn't gave up, and at some point I began to admire him, no matter how hard the things were, he always had a smile for us, willing to help, and being everyone's support, and before I could realized I was being kind of territorial with him, I think I took him under my protection, like a little brother, trying to keep him for harm...almost... Damn JC, I know his my friend, he hurt Lance without a second thought, and Justin...well I don't know what to think of him, Hell, I didn't even know he was gay!, and I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, yeah I was behind Lance when he opened the door. What happened?, Well I heard Lance talking to Joey, and I thought it would be nice just get together for dinner, and maybe watch a movie, I came out of the bathroom just in time to saw him left the room. "What do you think if we have dinner all together?" I said to Joey who was staring at the tv, as if his life depended on it, he nodded to me absently, so I run to caught Lance with JC, and Justin, and told them my idea...what a fake! I left the room just in time to see Lance open the door of Justin's room. I stand behind him, and what I saw left my like a rock, the door was slowly closed again, and I didn't react immediately, instead I opened the door once more, and there were those two, like nothing had happened, in fact I didn't think the heard Lance came in. "Excuse me" Anger in my voice, now I was getting back to reality, absently JC turn to me in time to saw staring at them. "Oh my God" He said, and he quickly got up, leaving behind a very stunned Justin, who hardly could sat on the bed; JC moved towards me, just when he was about to said something he looked at the hall and he saw Lance. He gave a "does-he-see-me?" look, but I just moved aside, giving him space too move and then he understood everything. He rushed after Lance as fast as anyone could but was stopped by the door which, by that way, hitted him on the face. For a moment JC seem confused, I didn't know if it was for the blow or for what had just happened, he recovered very quickly, only to began to knock at the door and scream Lance's name, was in that moment that I was hit for what was just happening. I ran to Lance's room and I started to scream his name, I was afraid that in such pain he would do something really stupid, soon we were join by Joey...now that I think about it, Joey seemed really concerned, not that he doesn't care about what happen to us, is just that he's not that kind of guy. I don't know how many time passed, I just remember that I heard quite sobs, and they didn't came from inside the room, it was JC who was crying very quietly and softly, I wanted to comfort him, but that would have to wait, in that moment we had a major problem. "It's useless" Joey said as he lend in the wall "I'm going to the reception to get another key, keep trying anyway" I nodded to him, and I began to knock at the door again. "Lance come on, let me in, just me...please man...Lance..." Now I was really worried. After a while I began to wonder why Joey was taking so long, and I don't know, maybe the similitude with this why, but a began to remember a night a special one, a cold one... *** Chapter 3 We were chocked in Germany, it was snowing, and we were expecting a storm, so our plain had been canceled, and we were caught in the hotel, and was that why everyone, including Joey, went to bed early, very early. For some reason I woke up in the middle of the night, I turned on my side and I saw Lance's bed empty, I was sharing the room with him, I found strange that he had gotten up in the middle of such a cold night. I waited for him, but he didn't came back, so I decided to make sure that everything was OK. I didn't wanted to woke up anyone, so I began to look for Lance in the terrace, a quiet place, just as he likes it. Yeah, I found him there, and only God knows what it hurted me saw him like that...he was kneeling on the floor with the absent look but full with tears. I had never seen him like that, and it shocked me, at first I didn't know what to do, but I ended kneeling down beside him and helding him tight, he stopped sobbing and began to cry. We stayed like that a while, I didn't let him go from my embrace, I wanted to be sure that he was better. "It's Ok" I said after a while, he started to laugh very softly "What's so funny?" I asked in my father's-mode, he moved to look at me. "You don't know what's going on, and even so you're saying that It's OK, don't get me wrong Chris, is very nice from your part" He said more calm. "Wanna talk?" I said helping him get up. "Wanna hear?" He said without looking at me. I took him to a near couch and we both sat there, in silence. "I want to help you" I said at last, He looked at me and grinned weakly. " I think it's time" He whispered, more to himself than for me "Chris, there's something you need to know about me first..." "Spit it up Scoop" I said trying to encourage him, but he just nodded to me. "I'm...well...I'm gay" He said at last, I didn't care about that, there's no difference right?, so I just nodded "Chris I'm gay" he repeated again, 'Great, now he's thinking I'm stupid or something' I thought "So I'm hyperactive...Gee Lance! Was it for that reason that you were crying?, I know I'm very important to you, but you could fake it better, don't you think?" He let out a soft laugh "Better" I said smiling at him. "So you're OK with me being gay?" "It's just a difference between you and I, is like you having green eyes and I brown ones, it's not big deal, besides love doesn't make any distinction of genders" He smiles again, but the smile faded and he looked down. "This about that, right?... Love?" I said almost whispering, I know that I hit the right point when I saw a single tear fell from his eye. "Is just...maybe it was my fault...I should have been more understanding with him...I think he's right" "Well fill me with the details" "Before I join you guys, I have...had a boyfriend called Mark, the first in all my live..."He stopped just to look at the sky "...I love him so much, but I don't think he feels the same way...We were doing it great, until I left to join you in Orlando, he was a little upset about me living him to became a superstar...We were distancing ourselves more and more, so I made a last effort to save our relationship. I went to visit him in our last vacations, and I gave him what he wanted...my virginity..." He sighed " I'll stop when you want me to" "It's Ok Lance, keep going" "We have been together like year and a half, and we had never slept together, my decision though...I didn't want to take that step until being completely sure, you know, I guess it had something to do with way I was raised, but I used it as my last resource...". He started to sob, I think that by that moment I already knew the whole direction of the issue. Damn bastard! "When I left him he told me that everything was going to be right, because now I was being good... it didn't work out...he called me tonight just to said that things aren't as he had waited, and the reason for which had been with me all this time was just to have sex, and that now doesn't want to know anything about me..." That was the last thing he could said, he started to cry again, and I held him tight once more, protectively, I wanted to kill that bastard; but Lance was my concern now. We stayed like that all the night, I made myself sure that he was feeling a little better. We returned to our room and he took a shower. I hadn't been of a lot of help, I'm not too good with words, you know. So when he stepped out of the bathroom I hugged him tight. "I will always be right behind you, if you need help come to me" He returned the hug, and whisper a softly "thank you" He didn't tell the guys that he was gay until two months after, just when the son of a bitch began to call him. The first time was Lance who picked up the phone, we heard him discuss and the hang up the phone. I didn't say something, Lance hadn't told anyone about "Bitchy Mark", so I had to wait till we were alone, and that didn't happened until very late. "What happened?" We were already in bed, I was trying to make Busta comfortable, with little success. "He wants me back..." I heard him say, he was on his bed facing the wall and not me, it seemed to me that he was sad. "And you?" "I don't...he betrayed my trust, and now I feel like I'm never gonna be ready to love again..."He turned to face me "He was crying Chris, I think he mean it, but I'm so afraid, besides I don't love him anymore" "As if he deserves it, maybe he wants your money or something, Lance he hurt you once, and he can do it again, I'm glad you stopped loving him" "Me too, but it feels weird you know, he begged me, and I started to argue with him..." "What?" Y asked after his sudden silence. "He told me that if I didn't return with him, he will commit suicide" "Damn bastard, that bull shit, I don't think he'll do it, it's just to make you feel sorry with him" "Yeah...I guess so, I don't want to talk to him again" "Leave it to me OK, I'll take care of that" And I did it, every time he called I answered, until he got tired of try, and came to look Lance. I don't know what exactly happened, we went to clubbing that night, but Lance decided to returned early to the hotel, he said that he was feeling tired and sleepy and that he will return to the hotel. That's all I know, when we returned the police was in the hotel and there was reporters too, in that moment I knew that something was really bad. Some of the cops helped us to enter without being noticed, Johnny was waiting for us in a room that wasn't ours. I think all the guys knew that something was wrong, and that it was related with Lance. "What's going? Where the hell is Lance?" JC was on the edge of madness "Calm down JC, and let me talk. After Lance got back from the club, some guy came after him, I just now that Lance consented to see him in the lobby, there's a bellboy from the hotel that assures that he saw Lance arguing with this guy, and after that he hitted Lance. The bellboy ran to look for help, and then he just heard the shot" "What?!" We scream all at the same time. "Is Lance alright?" Joey held JC, as if he knew that JC was going to explode right there. "Yes he's fine, he's talking to the cops" "Then why the shot?" Justin asked obviously worried about Lance. "It appears that this guy committed..." "Suicide..."I finish in a whisper, 'Damn Mark, he had done it in front of Lance, he should really had hated him', I realized that all the looks were addressed to me "Where's Lance?" I asked to Johnny. "Right there with the cops, Chris how do..." I didn't let him finish I rushed to the lobby were Lance was. He never told me what exactly happened that night, what I remember is all the blood and pieces of brain spread all across one wall of the room, and the body of Mark in the floor, covered with a white sheet. The reporters never discovered who had been involved in the incident, so the storm was from inside. Lance never talk to no anyone, but I know he will never forgive himself, he kept all the pain to himself, and I let him do it, and I promise to myself that I would shield him from any harm, and I won't let him keep the pain for himself again. Lance never cries, specially since that day, he told me once that cry is sign of weakness, and that he doesn't want to be weak, no anymore. Joey came back with the key and we opened the door, Lance was lying on the floor, I moved close to him, and I tried to woke him up, but all I could get from him was nonsense's babbling. I lifted him in my arms and put him on the bed. JC tried to move closer but I didn't let him. "Not now JC, wait until tomorrow, think of all this and talk to Justin" He nodded to me and left the room. "I..." "Don't explain anything to me Justin, if you want to apologize talk tomorrow with Lance" I just heard him walk out of the room. I noticed that Joey was standing nest to the window staring at Lance, something was bothering, but I'll have to wait until he decided to tell me. "Do you think" He said at last "That it was better that he found out this way?" "I don't know I guess so, either way he would ended hurt" I responded him, while I was putting Busta on my legs. "I knew it" "What?" I said half whispering and half shouting "While we were in New York Justin's room was next to us, remember?" "Yeah I remember" "The night you and Lance were caught in Atlanta for cause the rain...well I heard them" I remember that Lance and JC had fight the night before we were trapped in Atlanta, when we came back JC asked apologized him...It had been already a month, a month! "A month Joey, a month!" "Listen I didn't know what to do, I didn't want to hurt Lance or betray Justin and JC" He was right, it was a very difficult decision. "It's OK, I guess is Lance turn to speak, everything is up to him" What do you think?, This part is to explain the behavior of Lance in the story, I really hope you'll like it, I'm still learning!