Date: Thu, 02 Nov 2000 06:02:13 GMT
From: JT
Subject: Fated Love Chapter 9: I Chose To Take The Lonely Road

     It has been over three weeks when JC left me.  Three weeks and four
days to be exact since he found out about Ethan and me through my journal.
I've been going crazy since the day he left.  I couldn't do anything but
thinking about him.  I tried to call him so many times to explain, but he
never returned my calls.  I was on the verge of breaking down.  I couldn't
stand not being able to see him.  One day I called Lance and found out that
the group was in Orlando for a few days.  I decided I would go to see the
guys and him.  I got dressed and left for Chris' apartment.  It was my luck
that everybody was there but JC.  They were all really happy to see me, and
I was happy to see them also.  However, they seemed a little tense and
uneasy.  I sensed that they were hiding something from me, and I could tell
my presence made them uncomfortable somehow.  I sat there and talked to the
guys for about fifteen minutes before I hit the subject.
     "So how is JC doing?" I asked Justin.
     "Oh! He is doing fine Tom." Justin seemed scared when I asked him about
JC.  His voice was shaky and he tried to evade my eyes.
     "Where is he Justin?"
     "He went out with a friend and they should be here soon" Justin
replied.
     By now I noticed that everybody else has paid their attention to Justin
and I.  There was a long and awkward silence before I spoke up "I guess I'll
be leaving.  I just want to come to see how you are doing.  I hope I'll see
you around sometime."
     "Whoop!   Just in time to avoid getting wet.  We're lucky that we got
home before it started raining.  Thanks babe! That's the best present I've
ever got"
     I saw two figures at the door.  One leaned forward and gave the other a
kiss on the lips.  I was unable to speak as I stood there frozen looking at
the two people who had just entered the house.  I stared at them.
     "Hi everybody!  JC and I are back" this person's voice brought me back
to reality.
     "Oh we have company here.  Hi! How are you doing? My name is Jason" he
extended his hand.
I just stood there looking at him.
     "Jason this is Tom, Tom this is my boyfriend Jason" I heard JC
introduced.
     "I'm sorry.  Nice to meet you Jason" I shook his hand "Excuse me but I
have to go now"  I quickly walked towards the door.  I walked out of the
house didn't even bother to close the door behind me.  All the guys seemed
so shocked, they just stood there watching me walked away.  I didn't even
realize it was raining when I walked.
     "How could you be so cruel?" I kept asking myself that question "You're
deliberately trying to hurt me.  I would never have thought that you would
try to hurt me JC."  I kept walking.  I didn't know where to go.  I didn't
know what direction I was heading, and I didn't care.  I just let my feet
took control.  I felt so crushed, so devastated.  My whole world collapsed.
Everything I hoped and waited for was destroyed.  He has moved on, he has
left me for good this time.  I felt like there was s a sharp knife pierced
through my heart.  The pain was unbearable.  It hurt so much that I have to
grab my chest as I slowly fell down on my knees.
     But I slowly got back on my feet and kept walking.  I felt that every
step I took the pain would be lessened a little.  I didn't even notice that
JC was walking at a distance behind me.
     "Go back JC!  He's a devil.  He only comes to hurt you" JC mumbled
"He's pretending so that you would take him back.  Just ignore him and go
back.  Just ignore him and go away" JC kept talking to himself and continued
to follow me.
     I couldn't tell if it was the tear or the rain that ran down my cheeks.
  Yet I kept on walking, the further I got away from that place the better
it would be.  I was distracted by a loud noise of the horn, and when I
turned my head in that direction I was blinded by two beams of light
approaching me.  In a pointless attempt, I put my hands forward to stop the
car.  I was thrown up, rolled over the car and fell back down on the ground.
  As I lay on the ground, I saw a figure running toward me.  I tried to lift
my head up and looked at him.  My vision was blurred by the rain, and the
blood ran down from my forehead.  Before I closed my eyes a face appeared in
front of me "I love you JC" those were the last words that I spoke before I
lost my unconsciousness.

     I didn't know how long I was out but when I woke up I felt that
somebody was holding my hand.  My body was aching all over.  I could feel
several cuts from the pain, and my head was about to explode.  I grabbed my
head and screamed "Ahhh! My head!" I began rolling and kicking and screaming
at the same time.
     The doctor and nurses quickly ran into the room and I was quickly
sedated.  Soon I calmed down and drifted off to sleep.

"Excuse me Dr. Marcus! I'm Tom's mother.  I would like to know how my son is
Dr.  Please tell me he's all right" my mom spoke.
"Hi Mrs. Le! I wish I can say he's all right, but he's in a critical
condition right now.  Besides from all the other injuries he got from the
accident, he had a big bump on his head.  The bump is swelling, it's the
reason for the outburst he just made.  If this keeps getting worse, I'm
afraid he won't make it for another 48 hours" Dr. Marcus replied.
"OH NO!  This couldn't be happening to my Tommy" My mom broke down crying
"Who? Who did this? I want to know who did this to my son"
"Mrs. Le You need to calm down.  I need to ask you a couple questions.  Who
is JC and where is he right now?   Tom kept calling this person's name.
This person may be helpful to Tom's recovery.  We got to get him here"
"Yes, JC JC" my mom frantically looked around for JC.
JC stepped forward to meet my mom "Hi June!" he spoke meekly.
"JC thanks god you are here.  What's happened to Tommy? Who did this? How
did he end up like this?"
"Mrs. Le I don't think it's the best time for this.  I think it's better if
you both go and see Tom.  He needs all the supports he can get" Dr. Marcus
interrupted.
Both mom and JC nodded together as they went in to see me.
"I love you JC.  Why didn't you give me a chance to explain?  I didn't do
anything with Ethan.  You promised me you wouldn't leave me no matter what.
You promised JC.  I need you JC.  I need you.  Where are you?" I kept
mumbling to myself.
"I'm right here TT! I'm right here baby.  Oh god! What have I done?  How
could I do this to you?  I'm right here TT, please wake up" JC took my hand
and held it to his face.  He tried not to cry, he tried to be strong yet
tears began to roll down his face.
He was right next to me, holding my hand and I couldn't even recognize it.
I was in my own world.
     JC and mom sat there for a long time, both tried to get me to notice
them but failed.  After a long time of calling out his name and saying how
much I love him, I was exhausted and fell sleep.
     I didn't know how long I slept.  I woke up with JC and mom on one side
of the bed, and Kenny, Amy and my dad were on the other side.  I stirred a
little bit, feeling every parts of my body ached terribly.  JC immediately
woke up, and he quickly squeezed my hand tightly.  He looked at me and his
face was brightened up when he saw me awake.
      God! He was so beautiful.  I couldn't help but stared at him.  After a
while, I turned my head in another direction and asked a little angrily
"What are you doing here?  Shouldn't you be with Jason right now?"
     He didn't answer because everybody was waking up.  The next minutes I
was busy answering everybody.  My mom called the doctor in to check on me.
     "Hmm! Look like he is much better.  The bump has stopped swelling.
I'll give him some medication to reduce the bump" Dr. Marcus told my mom.
She was so relieved after hearing what Dr. Marcus said.  By the time Dr.
Marcus finished checking on me, the rest of the guys from N'sync and Brian
came in to see me.
     Justin ran up to the bed and hugged me the second he saw me.
     "Ahh! Justin please let go of me.  You're killing me here" I tried to
laugh through my pain.
    "Sorry Tom!  I'm so happy to see you.  I forgot you're hurting" he
apologized.
     "It's ok Justin! I'm happy to see you too"
     All the other guys came forward and asked how I was feeling.  I lay
there talking to everybody but JC.  I tried to ignore him completely.  Not
even once I looked at him.  Finally curiosity won over me.  I turned his
direction to give him a quick glance.  Once my eyes caught a look of his
face, I couldn't turn away.  He got the saddest look on his face I've ever
seen.  When he saw me looking at him, he smiled sadly and mouthed the words
"I love you" I couldn't stand to see that.  As angry as I was in that state,
as much as I blamed him for what happened, I couldn't bring myself to look
at him in the eyes at that instant.  I quickly turned around as I felt my
eyes began to water.
     Being an observing freak, Lance noticed the whole thing.  He always
seemed to see through everything.  He spoke up "Hey everybody, I think we
should let Tom rest, and I think JC and him have many things to say."
     "NO, we don't have anything to say to each other Lance" I interrupted
him.
     "Please baby! Give me a chance to make it up to you.  Please give me a
chance to talk to you" JC pleaded.
     "Give you a chance? Give you a chance?  Did you give me a fucking
chance to explain what happened between me and Ethan?" I screamed.  I didn't
know where all the rage came from "After all the times I've stood by you,
after all the things we have gone through, the least you could do was give
me a chance to explain JC.  You never understand the relationship between me
and Ethan.  I was about to tell you that day JC.  Nobody knows about it
except Amy and Kenny.  They are the only two people who know about it, not
even my family knows JC" I stopped as I tried to pull myself together.
     "The only time I needed you the most, the only time that I needed you
to help me conquer, to get rid of my worst nightmare you pushed me away JC.
I felt like I was sinking slowly in quicksand reaching out for you to pull
me out, but you were standing right above my head.  Instead of pulling me
out of the quicksand, you tried to drown me even faster.  That was how I
felt JC"I couldn't hold it anymore as I cried harder and harder. "If you
really love someone, you would never do that JC.  If you really love me, you
would never do that to me JC.  It was our love that helped me to conquer my
worst nightmare.  It was our love that helped me to overcome my darkest
inner-self, to get over Ethan.  If you couldn't see that then you're not
worthy of my love.  Just like I'm not worthy of yours.  We can't go back and
love each other the same way we did before.  Someday you will forget about
me.  Someday you will stop loving me like I stop loving you right now" I
finished as I looked away sadly.  Was it true that I stopped loving him? Was
it even possible or I was deceiving myself again.
     "Do you want to know what it is between me and Ethan?" I asked.
     He nodded silently.
     "I think we should leave" Lance spoke politely.
     "No stay! I want you to hear it too" I stopped them "Ethan, Kenny, Amy
and I went to the same high school. I first met him when he moved to our
school sophomore year.  The first time I met him I was totally attracted to
him.  I was drawn to him by some mysterious force that I couldn't resist.  I
fell in love with him instantly the first time I saw him.  Even though you
are the first person I love, but you not the first one I fell in love with
JC.  He was" I stopped for a moment to catch my breath "Somehow he knew that
I was attracted to him and he took advantage of it.  Through the three years
of high school, he made my life a living hell JC.  I would have never made
it if it hadn't been for Amy and Kenny" I couldn't go on anymore as I
recalled about my past, tears rolled down my face.  Amy pulled me into a
hug.  I clutched on to her and poured myself out on her shoulder as Kenny
patted on my shoulder and squeezed my hand.
     JC sat there motionlessly.  He also began to cry.
     "The reason he made my life a living hell was he wanted to have sex
with me.  He threatened to out me to the whole school and to my family.  As
much as I was attracted to him, I told him that I would never have sex with
him, not if we are not together.  One day I was walking by myself when I
bumped into him.  He said he wanted to talk to me and asked me to follow
him.  I knew that I shouldn't have gone with him, I knew that I should have
turned around and gone home.  But the thought of being together with him
clouded my reasoning.  I went off with him to a secluded area.  He forced me
to have sex with him.  I should have done it because was that what I wanted?
  What I always dreamed off?  When I refused him, he started calling me
names and beat me up.  Again, if it hadn't been for Kenny, I wouldn't have
been here.  Kenny found me lying on the ground later on.  When Ethan was
done with me, I was barely recognizable.  I was hospitalized for weeks JC.
Despite everything he did to me, I still couldn't get him out of my mind.  I
was still fucking in love with that bastard" I screamed in frustration "I
still couldn't keep myself away from him JC.  Then I met you, and fell in
love with you.  Even though we had our rough times, but I enjoyed every
moment I spent with you JC.  If I could turn back time and make a choice, I
would choose to be with you without any doubt.  Even if I know that we would
end up like this." I looked at him and saw the tenderness, the love in his
eyes.  Why couldn't I just forget everything and give us another chance?
Why couldn't two people be happy together when they love each other so much?
I wondered.
     "Ethan and I met again when I was in a coffee shop.  He approached me.
I was petrified.  I couldn't speak, I couldn't run away even though I
desperately tried to.  He told me so many things.  He told me he's sorry for
the way he treated me in the past.  He told me that he has tried to look for
me for so long without success, and he told me that he loves me.  He asked
me if he could see me again later on for dinner so we could talk.  That day
I was so excited JC.  All I could think of was Ethan and I would be
together. J I decided that I would give up everything just to be with him,
even my future.  I was willing to give anything just to be with him."
     "Even me?" JC's voice was almost inaudible, and there was a great
amount of sadness and pain in his voice.
     "Yes JC, even you.   I was willing to give up everything I have just to
be with him" I couldn't bring myself to look at JC at that moment.  I didn't
dare to as I heard many people gasped at my answer "I was looking forward to
see him at dinner.  I couldn't wait to see him again.  But something
happened during the dinner that changed my decision completely.  Every
couple has a special song of their own.  Every couple has a special song
that they can relate themselves too.  We have one too.  You remember our
song JC?  Do you remember the song the first time you sang to me when we
made love" I asked him.
     Again he nodded silently. I flashed back on the day of our first time
together.  I could remember it like yesterday.  I could picture the room
clearly in my mind.  It was beautifully lit by the candles.  The bed was
covered with 106 rose petals.  I could still smell the scent of the rose and
the candles in the back of my mind.  I could still remember we were making
love for hours on the bed of rose.  There was nothing on our mind, nothing
existed in our eyes at that moment but us.  When I looked at JC, I believed
he was also flashing back to that day.  We both smiled at each other and
mouthed the words "I love you" at the same time.  If I chose this moment to
make up with him, I would be perfect.  If I chose this moment to rediscover
our love, it would be wonderful.  But I knew I couldn't because something
had happened and we would never be the same if we got back together.
     "Maybe it was fate that Ethan and I wouldn't be together because half
way through dinner, the song was played.  As I sat there absorbed every
single word of the song, I realized that I was wrong JC.  It was you that I
love with all my heart and soul.  I was stupid enough to think that I would
give up what we have for something so illusional, something so insignificant
compared to our love.  I finally realized that without Ethan I could move on
and live a happy life.  But I could never live the same with out you JC.  My
life wouldn't be complete.  I could never give up something that I have been
searching for my whole life.  That moment I realized that I was finally over
Ethan.  I was so excited when I walked home JC.  I was so happy because my
love for you has developed to another level.  It has developed to a point
that nothing could make me stop loving you.  I wish you hadn't read that
journal JC.  I wish I could turn back time so I could rip that journal into
pieces and burn it into ashes.  You could never understand how scared I was
when I saw you sitting there with the journal in front of you.  Why JC?  Why
didn't you give me a chance to explain?" I looked at him through my tears.
His face was also wet with tears as he stared at me vulnerably.
     "If you decided to leave me as a punishment, why did you have to break
the heart pendant? We promised each other that we would never take it off.
That pendant represent our love, our trust and a symbol that we would be
together for the rest of our lives as long as we wear them.  Why did you
have to break them JC? When I saw the pieces of the pendant scattered all
over the floor, my heart was shattered into pieces just like that pendant
JC"  I looked at him as the image of his face was blurred by the tears in my
eyes "when you destroyed the pendant, you destroyed everything we had JC"
     "Give me another chance TT.  I promise you I will make it up to you.  I
promise you that I will not fail you this time baby.  I promise you that I
won't disappoint you" JC pleaded.
     "There won't be another chance JC.  Right now, I'm just a body without
a heart and soul" I turned away from him.  I felt so exhausted after all the
talking "My heart has died along with the pendant" I stopped for a few
seconds to gather every little bit of energy left in my body "As much as I
love you, I couldn't stand to see you anymore.  So please leave JC"
     "NO, I won't leave you Tom.  I will never leave you again" He cried as
he took hold of my hands "Just give me another chance TT"
     "Don't you understand it?  There won't be any chance unless you can put
the pieces of the pendant back together" I screamed.  I felt all the blood
rushed up to my head, and I felt the room started spinning.  Then it
happened, I blacked out.

     My mom rushed into the waiting room "What's happened Dr. Marcus?  You
told me that he was getting better.  You told me that he was fine, and he
was before I left.  I only left for only 2 hours.  What could have happened
in two hours?"
     "I'm sorry Mrs. Le.  Something really serious must have occurred
because right now Tom health has gone way down.  It seemed like he doesn't
want to live any more.  He doesn't have the will to fight for his life, and
his bump begins to swell again.  If this keeps getting worse, I'm really
sorry but I have to say it, he won't make it through midnight tonight" Dr.
Marcus informed my mom.
     "NO!" my mom screamed and cried as her body shook violently.  After a
while, she turned to look at Amy and Kenny "Amy, Kenny please stay here and
watch him while I go and make a few phone calls"
Both Amy and Kenny sadly nodded.  They couldn't say anything because of the
shocking news they just received.  The second Dr. Marcus and my mom left the
room, Amy plunged toward JC and pounded on his chest.
     "It's all your fault that he ends up like this.  It's all your fucking
fault" Amy screamed while hitting JC harder and harder.

     Again I didn't know how long I was out.  When I woke up, I didn't see
anybody in the room except for my mom.  She was sleeping while holding my
hand under her face.  I could feel her tears on my hand.  I must have given
her quite a scare I thought.
     "Mom?" I called her, squeezing her hand a little as I tried to wake her
up.
     Her head quickly lifted up and she looked at me "Oh honey!" she cried
the moment she saw me.  Then she quickly pressed the button to call the
doctor.
     "He's still the same Mrs. Le.  There's no sign of progress.  I'm sorry
when I have to say his healthy is the same" Dr. Marcus told my mom "He still
seemed very down.  I have a suggestion.  I think it may help if he's
surrounded by a lot of people he loves.  Talking and sharing about events
and experiences may cheer him up and strengthen his will to live." Dr.
Marcus told my mom.
     "Thanks doctor" my mom spoke as Dr. Marcus exited the room "Honey! I'm
going to go and tell your father and everybody else you are up ok?" my mom
said as she kissed me on my forehead.
     In two minutes, my room was crowded by people, yet it was so quiet.
Nobody said anything.  The silence was dreading.  I knew that something was
wrong.  I knew that something was serious about me.
     "Mom?"
     "Yes honey?"
     "I want to go home mom.  I don't want to say in the hospital anymore.
I want to go home.  Can you take me home mom?"
     "No son.  You are very weak.  You must stay here.  I would do anything
for you, but I can't do what you just ask me honey"
     "I'm fine mom.  I'm not going to die" I said as I could read it on her
face "and even if I die, which I won't, I want to die at home mom.  I don't
want to die in a hospital."
     "Don't say that son, and I'm sorry I can't take you home now.  I'll get
you out of here the minute you are better.  I promise"
     I looked at Amy and Kenny pleading them with my eyes to telling to
persuade my mom, but they shook their heads "I'm sorry Tom I can't help you.
  I think she's right" Amy said.
     I sighed "Ok!  I'm really tired now.  I want to be alone right now.
Can you all please excuse me?" I said.
     Everybody got up and said goodbye to me.  When it came to Brian, I
looked at him intensely trying to convey the hidden message to him.  I hoped
he understood what I tried to tell him through my eyes.  Ten minutes later
after everybody has left, Brian walked into the room.
     "Thanks god you understand Brian" I said happily "You're the only one I
can turn to right now.  Please help me to get out of here Brian" I pleaded
to him.
     "I don't think it's a good idea Tom" Brian hesitated.
     "Please Brian!  I have to go home right now.  I have to something to
do.  You have to help me Brian"
     "Ok Tom!" Brian sighed giving up.  He helped me to get up and put on
some clothes.  We slowly sneaked out of the room.

     "Where are you going Tom?" Brian asked me after he drove me home and
helped me pack.
     "I'm going away Brian.  I can't stay here anymore.  I need to get out
of here" I said as I put the bags in my car "I'm going to Virginia to stay
at a cousin's house.  I already asked her if I could stay with her."
     "How long are you gonna stay there Tom?"
     "I really don't know Brian.  Please don't tell anybody where I go
Brian.  I need to do this.  I want to be away from this place for a while.
There are so many things here I need to forget" I said sadly.
     "How are you gonna go there Tom?  You can't drive by yourself all the
way to Virginia in your condition.  You are still very weak Tom"
     "Don't worry Brian! I'll be ok.  I know my health better than anybody"
I replied.
     "How about we go and return my rental, then I can go with you to
Virginia.  That's way you have some company and I can look after you?" Brian
suggested.
     "No thanks Brian.  I really appreciate it.  You've helped me enough
already"
     "But I really don't think you are strong enough to drive all the way
there by yourself Tom.  Let me go with you.  I don't have anything to do
anyway" Brian insisted.
     "I'm fine Brian.  I…"
     Brian quickly interrupted me "Am I your friend Tom?"
     "Off course you are Brian.  Why do you ask?"
     "Then let me help you.  You need somebody to be with you at this moment
Tom, and I want to be that person" Brian said flatly.
     "I don't know how to thank you enough Brian" I looked at him.  He's the
most caring and the sweetest person I've ever seen.
     "It's my pleasure Tom.  You don't have to thank me" Brian smiled.
     "Ok! Let's go and return your car first then" I said as I finished
putting away the last bag in my car. We got into our own cars and drove
away.  I turned back to take a final look at my house.  I didn't know when I
would be back here.  This was a really big step for me.  I have chosen to
leave behind everything.  I have chosen to take a new path, a lonely path
where I would have to start everything from the beginning leaving behind all
the memories, all the loved ones.


     That's it for now everybody.  Don't I work fast or what?  I hope you
like this chapter.  It's kinda short and sad.  The next chapter may take
longer.  It depends on how much time I have and how much encouragement I
get.  So take care everybody and see you again soon, I hope.